How to tell a bad sitcom

Charlie Hauck is a terrific comedy writer (FRASIER, MAUDE, etc.) and a hilarious author. His comic novel about a writing team launching a sitcom starring the diva from hell is both hilarious and all-too-real. The book is called ARTISTIC DIFFERENCES and well worth reading.

On one page he explains how you can tell a bad sitcom. Simple rules, worth repeating here.

1. Any show in which any character at any time during the life of the series says the words “Ta da!” is a bad sitcom.

2. Any show in which one character says to another, “What are friends for?” is a bad sitcom.

3. Any show in which a character says “Bingo!” in the sense of “Eureka!” is a bad sitcom.

4. Any show in which an actor or actress under the age of seven says cute things in close-up is a bad sitcom.

5. Any show in which an actor or actress over the age of seventy-five says vulgar things in close-up is a bad sitcom.

6. Any show that resorts to the use of Dr. Zarkov dialogue (named for the villain in the FLASH GORGON series, where one character tells another character something they both already know, for the benefit of the audience) is a bad sitcom.

7. Any show in which a character, in the closing minutes, says, “I guess we’ve all learned a lesson,” and then goes on to explain what that lesson is, is a bad sitcom.

And if I may add a few of my own:

8. Any show where the studio audience says “Awwwwww” and the producers leave it in is a bad sitcom.

9. Any show that makes a Willard Scott joke is a bad sitcom.

10. Any show with opening titles that show close-ups of the cast and then freeze frames to catch zany expression on each is a bad sitcom.

11. Any show with Jim Belushi is a bad sitcom.

Hangin' in Philly with the President of the U.S.

Hi from Philadelphia. The last time I was in the City of Brotherly Love in October it was with the President of the United States. We hung out in someone’s backyard.

I guess you want an explanation, huh?

Fall 1980. My partner David and I sold a pilot to ABC. It was about the White House Press Corps. We sort of pictured the young David Letterman as a hotshot reporter who slept around. Even though he wasn’t strictly an actor we felt he could play that. Judging by recent headlines I’d say we were right.

For research purposes we managed to obtain credentials to temporarily join the press corps. We spent two days at the White House. All that great banter you heard on WEST WING as staffers moved through the halls – we heard none of that. For the most part journalists are confined to the press room where crackling dialogue is replaced by constant bitching.

On the third day we got to make a campaign swing. President Jimmy Carter was vying for a second term. He had as much chance as Al Sharpton but we didn’t know that at the time.

This was the President’s itinerary: Fly to Dayton, Ohio. Speak at a town hall meeting. Fly to Philadelphia. Motor to Upper Darby and speak at an informal backyard town meeting. Then fly back to D.C…. in time for dinner.

We awoke and watched the TODAY SHOW where Jane Pauley rattled off the itinerary and showed the house. How bizarre to think I was actually going to be there.

We zipped out to Andrews Air Force Base and boarded the press plane. When the President travels there is always a press plane that accompanies Air Force One. He takes off first so we can cover that and then we land first so we are in place to cover his arrival. Air Force One has to basically kill time in the air for a few minutes while we land and get settled. I always thought they should do some loop-de-loops, have a little fun up there in the air.

We completed the Dayton portion of the campaign swing and headed for Philly, Pa. There was no such thing as seat belts and tray tables up . These reporters were forever walking down the aisles, leaning over backrests, having conversations while powering down candy bars and beer. Even through heavy turbulence. David and I meanwhile, strapped ourselves in and had death grips on the armrests.

Landing in Philadelphia we were ushered to a waiting bus. Once President Carter arrived and shook hands with Jack Bauer or whoever was in the greeting party we joined Carter’s motorcade and headed for Upper Darby. If you ever get a chance to be in a presidential motorcade do it. Rush hour in Philly and we barreled right through the city. All the streets were blocked off and there were stopped cars for miles. It must’ve really sucked for those million-plus commuters but it was sure cool for David and me, speeding through red lights. Yeah, baby!!

We pulled up at this suburban house (it looked better on the TODAY SHOW) and scrambled off the bus. We were led to the backyard. These were the days before cellphones (if you can even imagine that) so a bank of phones had been nailed to what seemed like a 2X4 nailed to a backyard tree.

Chairs were set up for about fifty hand-picked blue-haired supporters. We were in a roped off area – unfortunately within arm’s reach of a large platter of homemade cookies. Within seconds they were gone.

President Carter came out of the house and addressed the group. I thought to myself, “this is just surreal. Here I am, standing in a stranger’s yard in a town I’ve never been, elbow to elbow with Sam Donaldson, Robert Novack, Helen Thomas, and Leslie Stahl, mere feet away from the leader of the free world, who is perched on a high stool, the family barbeque shoved into the corner. On the other side of the wooden fence are armed gunmen in the alley. Overhead is a Marine helicopter. I was sure one of the shooters in the chopper was going to take out one of the reporters for hoarding a bunch of cookies.

Two hours later David and I were eating lobster in a Georgetown seafood grotto. We stopped at one point to say, “What the fuck just happened?”

The pilot never got picked up. And of course, neither did Carter. But it was one of the great days of my life. And now I’m back, hanging with another icon who will be forever remembered in the pages of United States history – the Phillie Phanatic.

How to interview a celebrity

As a public service to any toadie journalist assigned to do an inane starlet profile here is the style sheet YOU MUST FOLLOW!!!

Whether it’s for the LA TIMES, ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY, PARADE, or MERCENARY LIFE there is a specific protocol you are advised to follow to the letter. So please take note:

The interview must be a lunch date at a chic café, clearly identified.

The celebrity will arrive late. You must report how late and what her excuse was. And you must forgive her. Even if the excuse is, “I forgot” or “I had to liquor up to do this because I find you repulsive” you must be charmed.

It’s important to describe her outfit. Is Natalie Portman wearing jeans? Lead with that. Gwen Stefani has new sunglasses? Hold page one! And for godsakes, whatever you do, describe the celebrity’s hair. Was it pulled back? Tousled? No one gives a shit what Claire Danes thinks but they sure as hell need to know whether her hair was red, blonde, or strawberry blonde? You spent five years in journalism school at Northwestern. Use your tools.

Painstakingly note whether she picks at an egg white omelet or a Waldorf salad. Celebrities don’t eat, they “pick at”.

Note that she eats healthy and it’s paying off. You must compliment a celebrity’s appearance. Jennifer Aniston is “glowing” and “radiant” and when Courtney Love shows up looking like the dog’s breakfast she is dressed “casual” and “fun funky”.

Once the budding young diva starts yammering learn what is print-worthy and what is just utter brain-dead nonsense. Listen carefully because often you won’t be able to distinguish one from the other.

She will tell you that she is now in “a good place”. Report that. She’s learned some real “life lessons” on her last movie. At this point she’ll start talking real fast and you might have a tough time getting it all down. So make it easy on yourself. Write it all out before the interview.

She’ll tell you what she thinks of the world situation. She’ll have suggestions for how to fix it. Ignore!!! All of it. Complete balloon juice. This is where you can pick at your food.

She’ll gush about her latest movie. That’s the only reason she’s there. It’s certainly not to spend time with you. Should you excuse yourself after lunch and go to the bathroom for three minutes, by the time you get back she’ll have no idea who you are.

The thing about this film was that the director (just fill in the blank here) who is a “genius” allowed her to tap into an inner place she didn’t know even existed. He unleashed the “little girl” in her and maybe two or three past lives. It was really “scary” and “profound”. She “suffered” as a result but that’s okay because she is “all about the art”. It’s okay to eliminate all the “y’knows”, “ums”, and “likes”, but you must keep every “I’m all about...”

Do not bring up anything negative. Yes, she killed that pedestrian but it was only one and it was before she was in her “good place” and besides, she’s all about Africa now, so that’s what you need to focus on.

Never EVER talk about yourself or bring up any topic other than her. She will stare at you in disbelief like you just killed her puppy. A call to the publicist (who’s sitting at the next table with five of her best handlers) is certain to follow.

By now she’s sipping her cappuccino (which must be duly reported as well as whether she stirs it lazily, holds the cup with two hands, etc. This is vital information.). Very gingerly, bring up boyfriends. She may volunteer that her relationship is “in a good place” and then you’re home free. Again, no negatives. Do not mention that she ruined a marriage or broke up a home. Listen for these words: “(blank) has given me a real sense of self and opened my eyes to so many things.” It means she’s wrapping it up.

Thank her for taking the time. She will shake your hand and thank you. She’s amazed you got so much information out of her. She usually never is that revealing. You’ll look away for a second, a gesture of modesty. Poof! By the time you look back she’ll be gone.

If you get back to the office, write up the story, and see that you’re short you can always slug in the following: She gets great gas mileage on her Prius (even though she drove up in a Porsche). She never actually sees any of the movies she’s in. She’d like to do a comedy someday because people don’t realize it but she’s soooo funny. Harry Potter changed her life. And she’s all about the truth but she also just discovered power walking.

Write that up, see it three weeks later as a cover story in PEOPLE, and request a transfer to Iraq.

Rocker Hospitalized After Bad Butt Injections!!!

Hello from Philadelphia. Brrrrrrrrr. I’m always amused at some of the headlines in the HuffingtonPost (where I'm a contributing writer). These are from Friday and today.

Celebrity Chef's Ex-Fiancee Charged With Beating Him With A Wristwatch

British Reality Star Shows Her Nipples

Rocker Hospitalized After Bad BUTT Injections

Lindsay Wears Studded Jacket, Sad Face To Court

Whoopi Goldberg Producing Science Channel Trivia Show

What Can Danish Hogs Teach Us About Antibiotics?

Language Barrier Love

Queen Elizabeth, Prince Philip Slip Out For Date Night

10 of the best minutes of VOLUNTEERS

I actually discovered a recent good review of VOLUNTEERS! The words "idiot" and "stupid" and "moron" are used a lot but it's still very positive.

Here's one of my favorite sequences. Lawrence Bourne (Tom Hanks) posing as Kent Sutcliffe (to avoid a gambling debt) is on a plane to Thailand with fellow Peace Corps volunteers. There he encounters Tom Tuttle from Tacoma (John Candy) and Beth Wexler (Rita Wilson).

Meanwhile, I too am on a plane today. Heading to Philadelphia to cover the Dodgers NLCS Series for Talkradio 790 KABC. Save me a Cheesesteak.

What to watch? MAD MEN or ICE ROAD TRUCKERS?

Here are some Friday questions and answers. Leave yours in the comment section.

Let’s start with Patrick:

With dialogue that deals with the involvement of lawyers, is there often a decision to just try something else in order to avoid a hassle? On The Office tonight there were two lines that seemed odd. At one point Dwight said something like, "... I search engined her." Obviously he meant Googled. Seemed like a specific choice to not use the term. Then later their was an entire segment based on a youtube video, and a character actually said, "I saw it on youtube." Any ideas on why one monstrous, topical, copywrite protected term was used and the other wasn't?

Yes, it makes no sense but that’s what we deal with on a daily basis. It depends on the network and the reference and the day and the phase of the moon. When I was consulting on the show IT’S ALL RELATIVE a few seasons back, ABC had a policy where any mention of brand names was forbidden. I don’t know if it’s like that over there now. But since comedy is specific it made things incredibly hard.

I remember once we had a character come back from a 7-11 in the middle of the night. But he couldn’t say “7-11”. Well, who says, “I just came back from an all-night convenience store”? We wrestled with this for a half hour. I don’t even remember what we finally landed on but I did make the observation that here were seven highly-trained comedy writers wasting valuable time looking for synonyms for 7-11.

I will say that on CBS we didn’t have that problem and when we were doing CHEERS, NBC let us mention specific brand names of liquor. Customers didn’t have to order “Jack Dandies” or “Granny Goose” vodka.

From David:

My question dates back to the beginning of season 4 of Cheers - after Diane leaves Frasier at the alter at the end of season 3 --- what was the thought process in keeping the Frasier character around past the first ep of season 4 when he comes back to say Diane left him? He certainly was expendable at that point. Glad you kept him, but wondering what led to that.

Kelsey really scored with the audience and the producers saw the potential of making him a series regular. Having a tightly-wound psychiatrist hang out in a bar exposed daily to the woman who jilted him seemed very funny, and a real test of his sanity – a test he rarely passed. By the way, doesn't he look a little like Jack Torrance from THE SHINING in this picture?

amyp3 asks:

Do you think mockumentaries AND flashbacks are a lazy way of storytelling? (I can remember taking a screenwriting class years ago and being told "Don't do flashbacks.")

It depends on the project. Would SPINAL TAP be anywhere near as good if that story weren’t told as a mockumentary? And would LOST be as rich if we didn’t see flashbacks that really illuminated the characters?

But certainly these devices can lead to shortcuts. Characters in mockumentaries just tell the interviewer what they’re feeling instead of us seeing it in behavior. And flashbacks are an easy way around exposition.

Lazier still are the devices of narration or popular songs. Why expend a lot of energy trying to craft an artful way of conveying a character’s attitude through behavior when you can just say in voice-over what they’re thinking? This is one of my pet peeves, as you’ll recall in my review of Woody Allen’s VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA.

And why use dialogue and acting to create a mood when you can just show the character and play an old song that conveys the message the director wants to convey? Nora Ephron is a big fan of this. So is Nancy Meyers. I’m not sure either could make a movie without Louis Armstrong.

And finally, from Richard Y:

I'll chime in on a Friday Question regarding the Nielsen television ratings. I have read (or heard) that they claim to have a 50,000 household list (also heard that it is only 5,000). Regardless of the number it is what advertising rates are established by and if a TV program fails or succeeds.

With that low of a number generating what the rest of the country watches long term why can't they tap into the two largest cable providers, Cox and Comcast, for example to generate the figures? They would be able to see not only what is being viewed 'live' but what is also being recorded (Tivo, DVR) and does not make any difference when it is watched.

Wouldn't this be a more accurate figure for the networks and advertisers to go by? No privacy issues as only the program information is gathered not where you live although they could also include geographical areas. Just a thought.

First of all, there is a privacy issue. Because if they can collect data from cable boxes they can determine exactly where they came from. This was actually an issue with Tivo. They were able to monitor just which shows were being taped and from where. Not sure if it’s still like that.

Not every house is hooked up to cable. Or satellite. And if the method of measurement is different depending upon how you receive television then you’re still not getting an accurate account of just who is watching.

There is some formula for registering data recorded on DVR’s but I’m not sure how that works. I do know it saved DOLLHOUSE.

All of this used to be less of an issue when there were only three networks. Even with a larger margin for error you basically knew that ALL IN THE FAMILY beat the living crap out of GETTING TOGETHER. But now everything is so fractionalized. It doesn’t take too many Joe Six Packs with Nielson boxes to kill PUSHING DAISIES or make ICE ROAD TRUCKERS a hit.

I find it interesting that since radio has abandoned diaries for people meters (little pager devices that accurately record whatever radio is within earshot) station rankings in most markets have been completely upended. Turns out the oldies format that just two years ago was considered dead and obsolete is now leading in most major markets.

So you wonder, does MAD MEN really get beat by ICE ROAD TRUCKERS?

All the Neilson and other rating services can tell us with 100% accuracy is that no one is watching Jay Leno.

Hello from Dodger Stadium...

...where the National League Playoff Series is now underway. Before the game some goofy guy from the Jimmy Kimmell Show was walking around the field in just a towel. I'm sure hilarity ensued. No flyovers, no boy in a balloon -- just Billy Ray Cyrus singing the "Achy Breaky Star Spangled Banner". 50,000 people were disappointed it wasn't his daughter Miley.

A giant flag was unfurled that stretched from foul pole to foul pole. Fox Radio's Ben Maller wondered, "What do they do with it the rest of the year?" It took about fifty people to get it off the field, although Rick Monday could have done it himself.

It was 80 degrees at game time. Tomorrow it should be 90. In Philly on Sunday 40 and rain. If MLB plans on having playoff games well into October they should provide domes.

I'll be co-hosting Dodger Talk after the game on 790 KABC from the Baseline Box Club on the first base side. Stop by... if you can still walk.

Who do you think Fox is rooting for in these two championship series? Rupert Murdoch is ripping hearts out of employees and presenting them as a sacrific to the Gods to ensure a Yankees-Dodgers World Series. So if there's a Phillies-Angels Fall Classic you know it's residual karma from airing "Who's Your Daddy?"

I'll be going to Philadelphia with the team. It would be fun to meet some of my Philly readers.

Gotta go. They're about to serve cupcakes.

Decoding Hollywoodspeak

Most of the real creativity in Hollywood goes into positive spin. Here are some industry expressions and what they really mean:

“Hospitalized because the actor was simply feeling dizzy due to a medication he was taking for an ear infection” – drunk

“Hiatus” – cancelled

“Good Exit Numbers” – DOA at the boxoffice

“Highly qualified” – knows somebody

“They’re still good friends” – the ugly divorce settlement is still pending.

“They’re just good friends” – they’re humping nine times a day

“I want to spend more time with my family” –fired.

“I want to explore other exciting opportunities” – fired

“Creative differences” – fired

“Parting by mutual agreement” – fired

“We think the script needs a fresh eye” – the director will now destroy your screenplay

“They have a lot of respect for each other” – they despise each other

“No comment” -- he did it

“Fielding offers” – unemployed

“Projects in development” -- unemployed

“Looking into financing” – unemployed

“Tom Cruise is interested” – I’m a really bad liar

“Proactive” – active

“She’s a perfectionist” – she’s a bitch

“Entry level position” -- slave labor

“Thanks for coming by” – no sale, I hated it.

“I really liked it” – thanks for coming by.

“I really loved it!” -- it got good coverage

“He’s in a meeting” – you’re not important enough to talk to.

“Back end” – money you’ll never see

“It just needs a little polishing” -- page one rewrite

“We’re pleased with the demographics” – the ratings are shit

“Commands a great deal of respect” – he’s a fucking nightmare

“Do you have a card?” – I want to get away from you but don’t want to appear rude.

“Zitcom” – Any half hour on the Disney Channel

“Exhaustion” – overdose

“A private matter” – a public scandal

“I’ll give it a read” – I’m throwing it away

“The studio is really behind it” – it’s going straight to DVD.

“He’s taught me so much” – I’ll never work with that asshole again

“Freelance” – unemployed

“High concept” – gimmicky

“Actor’s Director” – he can’t shoot action movies

“Director’s Director” – his movies haven’t made a nickel.

“Emmy winning writer” -- blogger

"Go F*** Yourself" and other happy high school memories

Time to stagger down Memory Lane. Here's another short excerpt from the book I'm writing on growing up in Los Angeles in the 60s. This is from the Fall of 1965.
Football games were usually followed by Friday night dances. I won’t belabor this excruciating exercise. Janis Ian made a nice living writing songs about teenage angst at dances and such. But it was a chance to see how much more fun life would be if I were better looking. Or could dance.

Meanwhile, on the Janis Ian-girl side of things, it must’ve been worse. First off there was now a level playing field. In junior high the early bloomers got attention regardless of looks or personality. But now they all had breasts. Bad skin and braces were no longer overlooked for Double D’s (well, maybe for Double D’s but certainly not B’s.) And decorum dictated that boys had to ask them to dance, not the other way around. So every two-minute song it was another round of rejection.

One night I spotted one of these undesired girls. She was standing by herself in her ill-fitting party dress. She looked heartbreakingly sad. So I approached and asked her to dance. And she told me to go fuck myself. From that day on my Friday nights were spent at home watching TIME TUNNEL.

Taft was no different than any high school. There was the caste system, there were cliques, where you sat in the cafeteria defined your place in the world. Everyone wanted to bang the cheerleaders. “Reputations” were important. If you made out with too many boys you were labeled a slut. Good girls lived in mortal fear of guys bragging (which at that age they all did). One good girl ingeniously got around this problem by sleeping with her brother.

My classes that semester included English Literature taught by a woman who must’ve dated Chaucer. Geometry taught by a very attractive young babe who only had one arm. Chemistry where I was introduced to the magic of the Periodic Table. I think I had history. I don’t remember. Drivers’ Ed (a class I would repeat endlessly as "Traffic School" to clear speeding tickets off my record), P.E., and my elective was “Art Production”. We painted banners and posters for upcoming school events. Imagine getting class credit for tagging!

1965 was really the last year of the 1950’s. We still thought and acted like we were in THE DONNA REED SHOW or OZZIE AND HARRIET. There was an innocence that steadfastly persisted despite pesky flashes of reality – riots, a war, civil unrest, drugs, teen rebellion.

Still you don’t believe, we’re on the Eve of Destruction.

In truth it was more like the Eve of Distraction. At least for me. It was hard enough to focus on my own self-centered little life with all the changes that were about to take place.

Answers to the JON & KATE quiz!

If you got none right because you didn't take the test, you are a well-adjusted human being . You have priorities and can recognize that this is just a satiric piece, making fun of the most vacuous inane couple television has ever created.

Extra credit for not even knowing who Jon & Kate are.

If you actually took the test, you are a sad pathetic individual. Get a life, get help immediately, or go to work for TMZ.

Thanks so much for playing.

Take the JON & KATE quiz!!

There’s been so much written lately about Jon and Kate Gosselin but how do you know what is true and what is just absurd? Test yourself on Jon & Kate! Answer these TRUE OR FALSE questions. Warning: some of them are actually TRUE.

Jon says he’s half-Jewish.

Jon signs up for J-Date.

Kate once had an affair with the Unibomber.

Kate made unauthorized withdrawals from their ATM.

Jon is selling his colonoscopy exam video to INSIDER.

Kate filed for child support.

Jon is one of 103 Major League ballplayers who in 2003 tested positive for steroids.

To earn more money Kate has signed on to star in a Toni Tennille tribute show in Branson, Missouri.

Toni Tennille set to star as Kate in upcoming biopic.

Jon’s kids are a quarter Jewish.

Kate goes to court to block scheduled circumcisions.

Blake Lewis idolizes Kate.

Kate has no idea who Blake Lewis is.

Jon drives a Kia. That must be the non-Jewish half.

Jon’s lawyer is having an affair with Kate’s lawyer.

Kate cries, “I can’t pay my bills!”

One of Kate’s children is really Tom Brady’s.

Jon blames Kate for having to send away family dogs.

Kate visits Amish farm.

Amish file restraining order on Kate.

Jon says he’s half-Amish.

Jon signs up for A-Date.

Kate claims Jon doesn’t floss.

Jon says sex with Kate is like “striking out the pitcher”.

Kate still buys Tang.

Jon recently won the Nobel Peace Prize. Republican say: “It could have been worse”.

Kate has eight Barry Manilow CD’s.

Jon wants them back.

Kate can bend spoons with her mind.

Jon used money from their joint account to sign up for the Sitcom Room.

Kate is suing Ken Levine to get the money back.

Ken is counter-suing Kate to get the fifteen minutes of his life back he wasted writing this quiz.

ANSWERS SOON

My trip to St. Louis

Took a quick trip to St. Louis with the Dodgers this weekend. Long enough to eliminate the Cardinals and move on to the National League Championship Series. However, on the bus to the airport we passed the Edward Jones Dome – a gentle reminder that Los Angeles may have beaten the Red Birds but St. Louis still has our Rams.

St. Loo is famous of course for the Anheuser-Busch brewery. Although locals insist it’s not the same now that the Busch family has sold it to Germans. They claim the beer tastes different. I couldn’t tell but I did notice the Clydesdales goosestepping in a recent parade.

St. Louis in the fall is highly preferable to St. Louis in the spring when there are floods, the winter when there are blizzards, and the summer when it is so hot and humid it’s like living in Fidel Castro’s mouth. The leaves were beginning to change, there was a crispness in the air, and late day shadows from the Budweiser billboards blanketed much of the city.

The signature Gateway Arch stands tall and shimmers, still awaiting a companion arch so that the world’s first ten story McDonalds can open.

Nearby is the Citygarden with a giant statue of Pinocchio. Why I don’t know. Maybe it’s a monument to puppets… or liars.

St. Louis is the birthplace of Chuck Berry, owner of many hit and police records. It’s also the “Home of the Blues”. Several cities claim to be the “Home of the Blues” but so what? George Clooney has eighteen homes. Why can’t the Blues have six?

In nearby Hannibal Mark Twain was raised. For more information about Hannibal (and this is true, you can try it) call 1-TOM-AND-HUCK.

Sports and Budweiser are very big here (no matter how it tastes). And there are some great restaurant/sports bars. Mike Shannon’s, Stan Musial's, Jbuck's. Every major figure associated with the Cardinals other than Jose Oquendo has his own eat-and-drinkery. The pulled pork sandwich at Jbucks is delish.

I tried to get some of the players to join me for a day at Sophia M. Sach’s Butterfly House but they passed. To their credit, they could have lied and said they needed to prepare for the most important game of the season but instead they just said, “No fucking way, Mary!” It’s taken me two years to earn that kind of respect.

There are quite a few casinos on the Mississippi River. They used to be on riverboats. Now they’re inland as far as the airport. A lot of Dodger per diem is currently in their hands. Some of these casinos are open 24 hours…

… as is Steak & Shake. There must be a thousand of these in the area. I don’t know about you, but when I get a little hungry at 4 in the morning, nothing satisfies my craving like a good T-Bone and vanilla shake. Not a good place to meet Orthodox Jews however.

Saw an ad for Pulaski County that boasted “Home of Fort Leonard Wood”. This is an attraction??? An army base in the middle of the Ozarks, out where Snuffy Smith lives? Leonard Wood (known affectionately as “Little Korea” in the winter) is hailed in the ad as – "the Perfect Setting For a Family Getaway”. Yeah, maybe the Great Santini’s family.

One of these jaunts to the “Show Me State” I’ve got to get to Branson. This is the town where entertainers go to die. Theater after theater offer such acts as Andy Williams, Jim Stafford (his big hit “Spiders & Snakes” changed the face of popular music forever!), the great Yakov Smirnoff (his ad says “you’ll laugh your YAK OFF!”), Paul Revere & the Raiders (good luck getting into those red velvet suits you wore in 1966), Amazing Pets, the Country & Hobo Show, and a Neil Diamond tribute (“you’ll experience the feel of Neil Diamond”).

To the business at hand, the Dodgers were there to face the Cardinals in the National League Division Series. The winner becomes the champion of, well… nothing. But they get to go on to the next round. The Dodgers came in needing only one more win. They got a monumental break in the game last Thursday when the Cardinals were leading 2-1 with only one out to go and outfielder Matt Holliday botched an easy fly ball that ultimately led to two unearned Dodger runs and the win.

A big question was how were Cardinal fans going to receive Holliday during the player introductions? If he were a Phillie or a Yankee his house would be burned to the ground and his family would need to enter the Witness Protection Program. But Cardinal fans are among the very best in all sports. Energetic, knowledgeable, and infinitely supportive. Holliday received a standing ovation.

The Cards play in the new Busch Stadium, just a stone’s throw from the old Busch Stadium. It’s in a perfect downtown location, right near the former home of the Museum of Bowling (not enough people signed up for their ten week course on “how to score”) and the Tums factory. Beyond centerfield you can see the Arch and the Old Courthouse. Fans pack the park and all wear red. It’s quite a sight. Except in April and September when it’s freezing and June, July and August when it’s unbearably hot, I love going to baseball games in St. Louis.

No one will ever take the great Vin Scully’s chair but I at least got to sit in it for a few moments. I hosted pre and post game Dodger Talk from the spot Vin occupied. No joke – it’s one of the highlights of my life.

The Dodgers won and it was only fitting that along with the champagne, they poured Budweiser beer all over each other. And me. I walked back to the hotel smelling like Kiefer Sutherland at any given 2 a.m.

My heart kind of goes out to the fine folks of St. Louis. Winter is coming, their beloved Cardinals were eliminated, and Rush Limbaugh now wants to buy the Rams. Budweiser sales should really skyrocket this fall.

Speaking Farce-y

One writing question I'm often asked is how are farces constructed? I’m sure fifty different comedy writers would give you fifty different approaches but this is mine.

First off there must be jeopardy. Something the characters need very badly and are willing to go to the greatest lengths to achieve. The situation can be totally absurd to us but to the characters themselves they’re very real. In fact, the greater the jeopardy the crazier they can act.

Secondly, a farce is built on a lie. A character lies and then to keep from getting caught must lie again. The lies multiply, the character digs himself into a deeper hole. And generally, there are several characters forced to lie. Often the lies contradict each other.

Needless to say, this takes careful planning. The structure of a farce is critical. Things have to happen with exact precision. The pressure must never let up. Constant roadblocks must be introduced. Complications on top of more complications. The vice tightens…and tightens…and tightens.

Generally, farces take place in real time. There are no fade outs, no dissolves, no relief. And as the piece builds the pace quickens. If done right, a farce should be a snowball rolling down a hill, gaining momentum and size.

Neil Simon, who wrote the wonderful farce RUMORS, is quoted as saying “At the final curtain, the audience must be as spent as the actors, who by now are on oxygen support. If the audience is only wheezing with laughter, you need rewrites or actors with stronger lungs.”

They’re incredibly tough to pull off but unbelievably satisfying when you do. And for my money, no show ever did them better than FRASIER.

For all you fans of Quentin Tarantino... and the Muppets

Here's the movie you've got to see. PULP MUPPETS.

The episode of CHEERS that sparked an uproar and protests

Heading to St. Louis to cover the Dodgers-Cardinals National League Division Series. Last time I flew to St. Louis in October it was to report to Basic Training at Ft. Leonard Wood, so this is better.

Here are some Friday Q&A’s.

Mary Stella wonders:

Is there an official phrase in the biz for giving big hints to the audience in case we're too dense to figure that a long shot of a kangaroo hopping where it has no place being might be significant?

I don’t know if it’s an “official” phrase but we call that “hanging a lantern”.

Michael Neff asks:

Whatever happened to a GREAT (but short-lived) laugh track-less social sitcom called UNITED STATES? Was it like POLICE SQUAD and too hip for the room at the time?

UNITED STATES was created by Larry Gelbart and his stepson, Gary Markowitz and was a unique experiment. It was sold to NBC with the proviso that all the scripts be written before the show went into production (a la UK sitcoms). The premise was to portray a marriage honestly. It was funny but also dramatic, and at times very dark (Y’know, like any REAL marriage). There was no laugh track, no studio audience, no obligatory happy ending every episode.

It starred Beau Bridges and Helen Shaver and although 35 scripts were written, only 13 were produced and 8 aired. NBC was so terrified of the series they scheduled it at 10:30 and kept moving the day. Imagine a sitcom at 10:30 at night? Needless to say, it crashed and burned.

One critic, Robert Lindsey said this about UNTIED STATES in his review: “While the network describes the show as a situation comedy, it promises to be about as close to THREE’S COMPANY or THE JEFFERSONS as POPEYE THE SAILOR MAN is to VICTORY AT SEA.

From Aron:

My question is about writing classic tv moments. IMHO, the Sam Malone rap is one of the funniest minutes in TV history. Even today, every time I hear an injury report, I play it in my head. When you guys write a gem like that, do you know that it's classic right away, or are you still unsure until the moment Ted Danson turns on the boombox?

We NEVER know if something is a classic. The minute we think we’re creating classic art is the minute an anvil falls on our heads. We (my partner David Isaacs and I) just try to write the best scripts we can. Sometimes we’re extremely lucky and something connects (but I'm still not sure they're "classics"). When that happens we just thank the Gods of Comedy.

Kurt has a FRASIER question:

Is the Seattle background a picture, bluescreen image, or one of those minature scale models?

It’s a backdrop. Actually, two backdrops – one for day and one for night. It’s a bit of a cheat because the photos were taken from the Queen Ann district, which is not downtown. But like everything else about that set – it’s the perfect panorama.

And finally, from Bob Chesson:

One of my all time favorite CHEERS is the Thanksgiving Orphans episode where the CHEERS crew goes to Norm's and a food fight ensues. Having unfortunately not viewed ALMOST PERFECT until directed to in your blog to youtube, I watched the WRAP PARTY episode where there is a food fight in the restaurant involving desert tarts. Did you and your partner write either? Was the WRAP PARTY episode a type of homage to the CHEERS episode? Am I just a conspiracy nut?

We wrote the ALMOST PERFECT along with Robin Schiff. We were consulting CHEERS during the Thanksgiving episode. A joke or two of ours might be in it but the brilliance of that script was all Bill & Cheri Steinkellner.

At the time CHEERS got a lot of flack for that episode because there was a big “stop world hunger” campaign and the show was criticized for wasting food.

In the ALMOST PERFECT episode, the staff of a TV show thinks they’re cancelled, says things to each other they never would have if they thought they’d ever see them again and then learn the show was picked-up for another year. It's a very funny episode. You can check it out here. And this is a detailed explanation of the making of that show. We needed a device to mend fences and a giant pie fight was our solution. We were thinking much more Laurel & Hardy than CHEERS.

What’s your question?

Traci Lords called me an A**hole

I think I’ve reached my pinnacle as a blogger!

Traci Lords on her Twitter page called me an asshole for an article I wrote about her (a TRUE article by the way). I was getting back at her because I wasn’t “good enough”. Oooh, I feel so..so inadequate.

Stepping on toes unfortunately comes with the territory, especially if you’re a humor blog. As Larry Gelbart once said:

“If what you're writing isn't likely to offend or annoy anyone at all, go back and start again.”

I do have rules however. I never try to be malicious or just hurl a gratuitous shot. I once read a review about a show set in Hawaii and out of nowhere the guy rips BIG WAVE DAVE’S, which had been off the air for ten years. Or in the Baltimore Sun very positive review of ALMOST PERFECT the critic says. “Levine is as good a writer as he is a bad sportscaster”. Ouch!

So I try to be a fair and an equal-opportunity sniper.

Sometimes the objects of my ribbing get in touch. Diana DeGarmo’s mother was quite incensed over a piece I wrote about stage parents. We traded emails and actually developed a mutual respect. (I would not recommend this as way of meeting new friends however.) Writer Paul Haggis rebutted something I had said and we became picket line buddies.

Side note to WGA members: Remember all those close relationships you made walking the line every day. How many of them do you still stay in touch with? I owe about six lovely people a call.

Thanks to the LA TIMES misconstruing something I said about Aaron Sorkin’s show STUDIO 60 he came out and blasted me in the paper. But that too got all smoothed over, and Aaron I greatly appreciate the note.

I don’t think I’ll be getting a similar note from Katherine Heigl anytime soon. Or her fans.

The feedback and comments I receive are always fascinating. I usually leave them up, even if they’re unflattering, as long as the dear reader doesn’t hide behind anonymity. An exception to this was when I made one negative passing reference to Opie & Anthony and was flooded with the most vile hate mail ever received. Death threats are not constructive criticism. The Katherine Heigl throng just called me a no-talent blithering idiot. Oh, and one person said I was ugly.

Ironically, I got a tremendous amount of hate mail once for saying nice things about a person – Patty Heaton.

Perception is often the key. I’ve been posting humorous travelogues whenever I stray from home. Vegas, Milwaukee, New York, London, Chicago, Hawaii, Seattle, Dallas, Cincinnati, Palm Springs – lots of places. Never have I received a complaint. But one reporter saw my recent Denver piece and decided I hate Denver (which couldn’t be farther from the truth) and suddenly I’m getting all these irate missives from Denver folks. Jeez, I’m MUCH harder on Los Angeles and I live here.

I do try to stay away from political pieces. Those I now save for the Huffington Post. But just before the 2006 election Larry Gelbart asked me to post a political piece he had written. I was thrilled to be able to do him a favor (plus we shared the same political views). Holy crap! Did that cause a firestorm. Tons of angry readers. The interesting thing is that several said they were never coming back to this blog. And within a month they all were back, commenting as usual.

There have been times I have changed things if I felt I was unjustly attacking somebody or was out of line. But the Traci Lords article – I stand by it.

Again, criticism is an occupational hazard of comedy. I just hope I make you laugh more than I make you want to kill me.

David Letterman's REAL apology

Did anyone on the planet buy David Letterman’s heartfelt apology on his show Monday night? At least Richard Nixon appeared sorry on the David Frost interview. But Letterman’s mea culpa felt so staged and insincere. If Dave really wanted to be honest and really wanted to express his genuine feelings, this is what his apology would have actually sounded like:
DAVE:
First of all, my ratings have gone up 37% so the truth is I feel great about all this.

(applause)

DAVE:
Yeah, there’s the issue of hurting my wife but the big risk of coming forward with this was that my numbers would take a big hit – at least for a while. Michael Jackson owes me a favor and said he’d come on the show.

(big laugh)

PAUL
He’s dead, Dave.

(Paul plays a boogie version of “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”)

DAVE: (feigning ignorance)
What? Did Liz Taylor sit on him? What happened?

(big big laugh. Paul plays an uptempo stanza of AC/DC’s “Overdose”. More laughter.)

DAVE:
Oh. Yikes.

PAUL:
It was on the news and in all the papers. Where were you?

DAVE:
Where do you think?

(big big big laugh)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. You’d imagine with the CBS cutbacks that 48 HOURS wouldn’t have crews to cover that and me but I guess I was wrong. And for that, I’d like to apologize, ladies and gentlemen. Inadvertently, I wasn’t thinking ahead.

(applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh, but really, kids. This has been a trying weekend. Normally, I’d turn to my staff for help but that’s what got me in this mess in the first place.

(laughter and applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. I told you, Paul. If they can forgive me for hosting the Oscars they can forgive me for anything.

(wild laughter and applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. But getting back to my weekend, I met with my team of lawyers, managers, network spin people – who trust me, have enough to worry about with those THREE RIVERS reviews –

(laugh)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. Actually I blame CBS. You know how television influences behavior. I was the one person in America who watched SWINGTOWN and that’s what all those folks were doing. I’m an impressionable viewer, what can I say?

(laugh, applause)

DAVE:
Heh heh heh. So where was I? Oh yes, my apology. This team of experts spent the better part of Saturday debating whether to deny the charges or apologize. And eventually, they worked out a compromise. So I’m admitting to having illicit affairs with members of my staff but claiming that they were all before my marriage.

(applause)

DAVE:
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Seriously, I’m touched. But there is one other issue I’d like to address. To Robert Haldeman, the CBS New Producer from 48 HOURS who hatched this extortion plot -- if you hurt a person and it's your responsibility, you try to fix it. You really hurt me, Bob. I hope when you sit in your cell for the next five to ten, you reflect on my anguish, my discomfort. And when you get out you have some serious making-up to do.

(shouts of “Yeah! Yeah!”)

DAVE: (takes a deep breath, then:
Okay, well, that’s my apology. Great show tonight! Steve Martin and Martin Short! Stay right here!

(Band plays “Saving All My Love For You” into commercial break.)

My latest rant

Tomorrow: my take on David Letterman's Monday night apology, but for today -- what good is having a blog if you can't rant about things you have no control over and will never change?
I had occasion to drive through Beverly Hills last week (where the Iranians who aren’t protesting roost). And there arching over on Rodeo Drive were Christmas decorations.

It was September!

Now granted, Christmas decorations anywhere in sun drenched Southern California are somewhat absurd (“winter” is a destination not a season here), but September? Isn’t that a bit early even for Beverly Hills? Wasn’t Labor Day and summer just a few weeks ago? To my knowledge this is the first year the Christmas garlands have gone up before half the new Fall TV shows premiered. We’re so close to Labor Day that people are still allowed to wear white pants.

The reason is clear: to get potential shoppers into the stores sooner. Segue right from “Back to School Sales” to “Holiday Sales”.

It’s time to ring in the season and wring out those few extra dollars.

And it’s not just Christmas.

If the World Series goes a full seven games this year it will end on November 5th. And with snow-outs even longer. A new tradition is to play an NHL hockey game outdoors on New Year's Day. If they do that at Fenway Park in Boston there may be a conflict with a Red Sox World Series game. For the money that Fox is paying for the Fall (early Winter) Classic, they want the games to lap into November sweeps. And since spring training is now a cash cow games start in February. It used to be such a big deal for baseball fans when pitchers and catchers reported to camp. Soon that big day will be welcomed in by Dick Clark.

The NBA is not much better. Their Finals used to be held in the spring. Now there are so many playoff rounds that the champion isn’t crowned until almost the 4th of July. What’s the point of playing an 82 game regular season when every team but the Clippers get into the playoffs?

Oscar campaigns now begin the day after the Oscars.

Sarah Palin is already running for president.

And speaking of the Fall TV premieres, remember when NBC unveiled their entire new lineup during one “NBC Week”? (Remember when there was an NBC?) Now new entries are doled out from late summer until November. Half a network’s schedule is cancelled before the other half debuts.

The end result is that the product gets diluted. Ratings for big sporting events like the World Series and NBA Finals are down. The Oscarcast is in the tank. Holiday shopping revenue is suffering and although you can make a strong case that it’s due to the economy, it doesn’t help that shoppers are already sick of Christmas by Halloween.

And then there’s the ole' seasonal music. Can you imagine if the songs were revised to reflect the current trend?

“On the one-hundred-and-thirty-fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me – one-hundred-and-thirty-four Jet Blue miles, one-hundred-and-thirty-three little individual boxes of Kellogg’s cereal, one-hundred-and-thirty-two HBO/Showtime/Cinemax/Starz/Encore movie channels…”

You get the idea. Anyway, Happy Easter.

A handy writing tip

Just saw one of my favorite DICK VAN DYKE SHOW episodes, “100 Terrible Hours”. It’s the one where Rob was a disc jockey and had to stay on the air for 100 straight hours just before interviewing with Alan Brady for a writing job. I love that episode for many reasons but first and foremost is the structure. I imagine Carl Reiner and the staff thought it would be fun to see Rob’s initial job interview and of course it had to be a disaster. But how?

The obvious ways: he was drunk, he got in an accident and was all disheveled, he spilled something on his crotch, he had laryngitis, he had a bad cold and Alan Brady was a germ freak, he barged in at the wrong time, etc. You get the idea.

But they found a totally fresh device instead. Have him loopy because he’s sleep deprived. And concoct the best comic way to get him sleep deprived. Radio marathons were a staple of early Top 40 radio so making him a disc jockey was not only ingenious, it was also real. The best comedy always comes from reality. Plus, it gave Van Dyke a lot to play as you saw him get progressively goofier.

This is called getting “the most bang for your buck”. Find a good comic premise for a scene and then maximize the possibilities. In this case, not only was the payoff great but the set-up scenes leading up to it were terrific as well.

Give this some thought when plotting out your spec script. Once the wakeathon story was laid out I’m sure it was much easier for the writers (Sam Denoff & Bill Persky) to fill in the funny dialogue. They had so much to work with.

The hardest comedy writing in the world is when you have characters just standing around with nothing really dynamic happening. You have to manufacture jokes out of nothing. The characters start talking in forced one-liners. When viewers say that sitcoms sound predictable and bogus that’s usually what they’re referring to.

So do the heavy lifting first. Construct a story that lends itself to great comic possibilities. Easier said than done, you say? Yep, but that’s why YOUR spec might sell and the others don’t.

By the way, in the early 60s a San Bernardino radio station held one of these wakeathons. By the end the disc jockey was hallucinating, thinking that a giant Mickey Mouse was coming to eat him. I don’t know whether it was the city that had to issue a permit or the union, but somebody insisted that medical supervision be provided to lend assistance and monitor the d.j. throughout. He would be on the air for 50 minutes each hour and get ten minutes to use the bathroom, stretch his legs, eat, whatever. The medical staff would check his vital signs and ensure he was in no health danger.

A tent was set up near the broadcasting site (a store window I believe, just like in the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW). Every hour the disc jockey would disappear into it to get his examination. What the city or the union or whomever didn’t know was that the around-the-clock nurses that were hired were actually hookers. That probably kept him going another twenty-four hours.

Now if they had done that on the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW the title of the episode might have been changed to “95 Terrible Hours and 5 Great Ones”.

Men hugging men

... and then spraying each other with cheap champagne and beer even Norm Peterson wouldn't drink.

This is moments before Manny Ramirez drenched me. If I got stopped at a sobriety checkpoint driving home I would be posting this from the LA County drunk tank right now.

Covering the Dodgers all year for 790 KABC I was privileged to be on the field when they clinched the NL West title last night. These are photos I took from my iPhone (which explains their Pulitzer Prize worthy quality and composition). For you non-baseball fans, just picture these men in tuxedos and you have the MAD MEN Emmy party.

Good luck to your favorite team in the playoffs. And I'll see you Cardinal fans in St. Louis this weekend.

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

A new meme going around asks: “what are five things people don’t know about you?”

1. When I worked at Wallichs Music City, an LA record store, in the 60’s I used to throw Neil Young out of the listening booths for smoking pot. Once every two weeks. If only he had shared!

2. Ann Jillian was my childhood friend (and still is).

3. As a teenager I was offered a job writing for LAUGH-IN. I declined in order to go to college. So I missed my chance to write comedy for Richard Nixon.

4. I’m an idiot savant trivia expert when it comes to Top 40 music of the 60’s. Titles, artists, even labels – I pretty much remember them all. Is it any wonder my sex life in high school was nil? Ask Ann Jillian.

5. And finally – O.J. Simpson was at my wedding. Now this requires explaining. He wasn’t invited. We got married in the outdoor patio of the Beverly Hills Hotel. O.J. had just finished playing a game of tennis, saw the ceremony going on and stood in the back and watched. He wasn’t there for the reception however. He was probably breaking into our room.

Me calling Dodger baseball

The regular season is over but the Dodgers are in the playoffs! They can't seem to win one more game to clinch it but still!

The good news: More games to cover. More Dodger Talk shows on KABC.

The bad news: No, I can't get you tickets. And even if I could, you haven't talked to me since high school. Why the hell should I do you a favor? Oh...and it's Ken, not Kevin.

Earlier in the year I got to fill in and do some Dodger play-by-play. Several of you have asked to hear a sample (not the high school guy, he just wants tickets --and parking passes if possible). I've been lax in uploading it but figure I better do it now cause once the playoffs are over no one is going to give a shit about listening to a baseball broadcast.

So relive some exciting moments and a lot of standing around as I call a Dodgers-Brewers game with Steve Lyons.

Click To Play

The AMAZING jump rope dancers. You won't believe it!

You can keep your Laker Girls or college dance teams. These girls are amazing beyond belief. Introducing the Naval Academy Jump Rope Dance team. Wow.

Agnes Moorhead AS Endora

First off, a couple of spots have opened up for the Sitcom Room seminar. If you're interested check it out. Remember, I only hold this seminar once a year. It's fantasy camp for comedy writers except you also learn a lot and get to see your work performed by professional actors. Let's see Robert McKee top that! Go here for details and to sign up.
Now that we've had a word from our sponsor, let's get to some Friday questions and answers.

Matt has a…

QUESTION: From time to time during opening show credits you'll see the list of actors/actresses in the show and there is always one actor (or actress) who is listed along with the name of the character they play. Why is this?

To improve his billing and separate him from the other cast members. It’s all negotiated in advance and can be a royal pain-in-the-ass. If an agent’s client can’t get top billing they want a “with” credit or “as ‘character name’ credit – anything to set them apart from their fellow castmates. This can get very sticky when you have an ensemble cast and every actor wants some special recognition. And it’s one thing if it’s the great stage and film star, Agnes Moorhead playing Endora on BEWITCHED; it’s another if it’s some skeesix who starred in a series of plumbing commercials.

Credit placement is also an issue. You’ll notice on CHEERS that Ted and Shelley share a card. Ted is first (on the left) but in the lower half of the screen while Shelley takes second billing but her credit is higher. I think Paul Newman and Steve McQueen had the same arrangement in THE TOWERING INFERNO (although it might have been Paul Newman and Shelley Long. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen it.)

Here’s one from anonymous (please leave your name, folks.)

Since a spec is meant to (hopefully) impress a showrunner with how well you understand and can handle the show, is it better to write a small 'family script' (concentrating on the core characters), or a larger one full of other characters, locations, etc. For example: the Cranes at home, or on the road? Hawkeye in the Swamp, or chasing an ailing soldier all over Korea?

The small family script is vastly preferable. Don’t do anything too ambitious. That’s a huge trap. Keep guest stars to a minimum. You show that you can write the best possible episode within the framework of that show. Leave the “special” episodes to the show’s producers.

We once received a spec of WINGS where the teaser was seen through the eyes of a fly in the room. Shockingly, it didn’t sell.

From Bob Summers:

I know you hate the question at a pitch meeting about "What's the first episode of season 7?", but what about shows like "Lost" and now "Flash Forward"?

When everyone sees six months in the future, how do you even think about how are we going to be relevant in season two?

I wondered the same thing watching the FLASH FORWARD pilot (that and what role will Sonya Walger get next?). Maybe after April 20, 2010 everyone will fall asleep again for two more minutes. I wouldn’t drive or get on a plane past that date, that’s for sure.

LOST has managed to ingeniously find ways to keep the story going forward (and backwards and sideways). But there are a number of recent series whose premises seemed very limited to me. After they break of out prison in PRISON BREAK, then what? The truth is the producers didn’t know either.

Last year there were shows about wedding days and worst weeks. How do you sustain those premises? But networks were so intent on looking for shows with “big hooks” they either didn’t ask those questions of longevity or just didn’t give a shit. Get an 18 share now. It’s not like the executives making the decisions are going to be in those jobs in three years anyway.

A couple of seasons ago ABC had a show about a bunch of idiots trying to rob Mick Jagger. What would happen year two – they’d rob Pauley Shore?

What’s your question?