As you continue to enter Ken's Komedy Kontest (Friday's post) here's even more incentive. This is one of the many great perks of being a writer.
Several years ago my partner and I had a pilot deal with a studio. At the time we were told that the networks were looking for “out of the box” ideas and one popular trend was to take real life personalities and create fictional shows around them. (I guess this approach worked sooo well for Bette Midler’s BETTE.) But the more outrageous the personality the better. We said to the studio executives, yeah, but can any of these people act? Guess the network geniuses (now no longer in those jobs, by the way) didn’t think of that. But we said we were willing to at least explore this area.
A few days later they called and said, “Would we be interested in developing a show around Traci Lords?” We thought, really, she wants to do a sitcom? Isn’t that a big come-down from porn? But we were told she was serious so we said, sure, we’ll take a meeting. Why not? How often do we get to meet porn stars without paying?
We cooked up a series idea that would show Traci trying to make it as a legit actress having to deal with the added baggage of her questionable past. We would see her home life, work struggles, “colorful” former co-workers – your typical sitcom world. We would call the series THE TRACI LORDS FAMILY SHOW.
So off we went to meet her, knowing full well no network in their right mind would EVER put on a Traci Lords show. Try selling that to the red states affiliates.
We met her at her manager’s office and to answer the obvious first question – she still looked pretty great. Not smoking hot but she made the transition into legal age very nicely. However, one thing was painfully apparent after two minutes – she was seriously unfunny. And yet, that didn’t stop her from LECTURING us on comedy. As we sat there dumbfounded listening to her drone on and on about what’s funny and what’s not I thought to myself, this is truly the nadir of my career.
I will say, to our credit, that we were quiet, respectful, and at no time did either of us stop her and say, “Excuse me, dear, do we tell YOU how to give a golden shower?”
Alas, we didn’t do the project. I hear she found some other writers. I guess the show didn’t sell.
Oh well. I’m sure she’s now on to procedural drama, explaining forensics to the CSI gang.
32 comments :
We cooked up a series idea that would show Traci trying to make it as a legit actress having to deal with the added baggage of her questionable past...
Questionable?
Geeez. What questions could there be?
Well, I mean besides the obvious one: You really did that? I thought it was some sort of trick photography.
I find it interesting how provincial this town can be, I can name a dozen actors (at least one of which currently on a network TV series), who started with a career in porn...
Ken, I'm curious what kind of comedy "tips" she offered you and your partner. Could you elaborate?
"Out of the box". Now that's funny!
(Mom, forgive me.....)
The only bush I trust is my own.
Pilates is S&M for prudes.
And John Gregory Dunne wrote something along the lines of: Feminism is a twelve step program for homely chicks. ( Nothing Lost)
I must admit I've never seen any of her work.
Ken
Those sexy pics of Traci almost enticed me to enter the Komedy Kontest, cheers.
ps- any chance of a signed naked Traci Lords script being added to the prize pot ?
I have her cd. I like it.
Too quote Yogi, "This is like deja vu all over again."
Yea, but you never can hear "Network executives are idiots" stories often enough. ;)
(I also can't help feeling this idea was concocted by some network exec trying to shag at least a one-night stand with Ms. Lords. In fact, they should have sent Tracy around to all the affiliate managers in those Red States, to see if there was anything she could do to convince them to air her show.)
that meeting wasn't as interesting as i imagined it could've been.
Maybe she just had a fear of cummitment.
The worst thing about that was the show's title when there are so many good options:
Off My Back
I'll Lick This!
I'm No Screwup
shame she wasn't older, or you might have had:
AfterMILF
Tracy's not judging the Komedy Kontest is she?
*checks Emmy shelf*
Whew!
off topic i know... but anon! that quote... i have never heard it before and its totally classic... what is that a yogi bear quote?...
seriously.. people lol all the time.. i actually did lol on that...
oh my god... that is sooooo good.. i cant stop smiling... hehehehehehehehehehehehehehe
"Yogi Bear"?!? You've made a boo-boo. No picnic basket for you. Yogi Berra, baseball's master of the malaprop, said that. He also said other cleverisms such as, "When you come to a fork in the road, take it." He's got a book out somewhere, I'm sure.
Oh, and YANKEES RULE!
Ken: Didn't you mean "a big 'cum-down' from porn?"
Didn't she show up in Roseanne in later years, were the show was really desperate?
E
jake, I'm pretty sure it's safe to call a 15 year old doing porn, which is when Traci started, to be "a questionable past". I've got no problem with consenting adults, but I don't think we're being to provincial by calling child pornography questionable.
Speaking of deja vu all over again, I may have mentioned in another thread here that I met Traci Lords at one of those celeb conventions a while back. She was quite attractive and very polite (it probably helped that my friend was ponying up for an autograph and photo op).
When we met, she shook my hand. A few days later, it turned black and fell off. Ha ha (ho ho?) -- I kid Traci, but being a comedy expert, she understands and takes no offense, I'm sure.
As a gay man, I must confess that the ONLY time I've ever laid (Yes, single-entendre intended.) eyes on Ms Lords was her brief stint as a waitress on ROSEANNE. (And it was before they got so desperate that they did that win-the-lottery-and-jump-the-shark season.) Anyway, she proved her terminal unfunniness there and then.
But I must second Mr. Hollywood. What was her sage advice on comedy? To learn about gags from a woman famous for not having a gag reflex? That must be gold.
When I saw her on WILL AND GRACE....lemme just say....
Ken, something tells me she fancies herself a real, um....a real...just a real something 'er other.
Perhaps she wanted you to be a John Cassavettes to her Gena Rowlands?
I'm just sayin'....you never know the inner workings of such a mind as the gal in the photo.
I have a bumper sticker that reads TRACI IS LORDS. So she has no comedic gifts. I can laugh at The Three Stooges.
Ken are you recycling posts without telling us first again??
Ken, I can't believe when she started lecturing you on comedy, you passed on the opportunity to say "Hey, do I show up at your job and tell you how to suck c@#k?"
I didn't know Lisa Kudrow did porn.
Or was this a deja concerning Kristie Alley?
Because that would make more sense.
The Lords Giveth, The Lords Taketh Away...
I'm pretty sure Traci never actually did golden showers.
But it doesn't surprise me she couldn't give you comedy advice...
She could never act either.
That's all I'm sayin'
Apparently Traci went to comedy school with some of the commenters here ... :p
I would watch Traci Lords dry her hair for 30 minutes a week.
But, I'm a pervert :)
well i wouldn't mind if she had one, but i think the time had past a little. that means it still can't happen?
I remember being absolutely IN LOVE with her when she was doing porn. Imagine my surprise when I learned she was only 14 when she did the Penthouse lay out as well as getting started in the "biz." She has a very troubled past, she`s trying to get past it and yet she will always be remembered for her porn roles. Hell, I wish I could still FIND some of her old porn, she was and still IS HOT.
The problem with Lords is that if you know anything about her past then you should know she's a habitual liar when it comes to that past. She claims she made virtually no money doing porn and only did about 15 to 20films total. Traci was the highest paid actress in porn at her zenith in the industry and even had her own production company. She came to the porn industry with a fake I.D., they didn't recruit her. As for her claim about only doing 15 to 20 films that is laughable. Traci did close to 100 films in her porn tenure. It's also interesting that Lords only did one film after turning 18 and was then busted by the FBI and that one and only film that could be sold legally in the U.S. was owned by guess who? Lords herself. Traci was a beautiful girl (she's in her 40's now)but her inability to come clean about her past has become annoying to the point of unbearable. I understand the argument that america is largely unwilling to forgive an unrepentant porn star who willingly got into the business like Lords did (I could personally care less that some people choose to do it)but it's highly unlikely she's ever going to get premium roles in Hollywood therefore there's simply no reason to continue lying about what she did and her willingness to do it. The people that feel that Traci Lords is a victim probably also believe the sun revolves around the earth. This woman was no victim of the porn industry. She may have been a victim in some other area of her personal life but she went to the porn industry and lied to get in. They didn't go after her. That is the simple truth of the matter. Her claims of making no money, being drugged out on the set and only making a handful of films are ludicrous. Anyone that knows anything about this woman knows this to be true.
Post a Comment