What it's like to go Viral

I woke up one week ago today and discovered I had 129,000 hits in one hour. What the fuck? I had gone viral.

This was a new experience for me. Over the last 7 1/2 years I had had big spikes in traffic, usually when I had guest bloggers like Aaron Sorkin or my daughter, Annie, but never had I received one million page views – not even for my Traci Lords rant.

Now that the craziness has died down and I’m once again forgotten, I can reflect back and share the experience.

It's insane to think that some nimrod can sit at a computer and bang out a point-of-view essay and over a million people read it.   This is Cliff Clavin's ultimate dream -- even more than getting a joke on the TONIGHT SHOW. 

The best part was being exposed to so many new readers. The worst part was how many of them never came back. Hey, what did I do? That’s perfectly normal in the blogosphere and I have picked up some new followers (and for that I’m very grateful. Not grateful enough to give you VERONICA MARS T-shirts but still.). But it’s a huge ego boost to see all that traffic and incredibly humbling when your numbers drop worse than week two of 1600 PENN.

The viral post in question was my rant against Zach Braff using Kickstarter to fund his movie. If I had my druthers and could choose which of my articles I would have preferred got a million hits it would probably be my tribute to Larry Gelbart, something strictly funny, or a plug for my book so I could make some damn money. But hey, I’ll take it. From time to time articles I write get linked from other sites, but that’s never in my thinking when I write them. And I’m usually surprised by the ones they pick. Getting an MRI generated big interest. Casting Tom Hanks – meh.

I figured the Zach Braff piece would result in some controversy. I’m no stranger to that. Roseanne Barr savaged me in her blog (which I consider a badge of honor), Diana DeGarmo’s mother had to be restrained, Traci Lordds tweeted that I was an a-hole, any time I say something even remotely political like Sarah Palin is an idiot I get grief, and worst of all is the hate I receive whenever I say anything nice about Patty Heaton.

But all that was nothing compared to this. I checked on Thursday and when I Googled “Zach Braff Ken Levine” there were seventeen complete pages of articles and discussions. Yikes! The ones that got me were those with headlines like KEN LEVINE IS WRONG, as if anyone in the world knew who the hell I am.

That brings up another issue – lots of articles and commenters confused me with the other Ken Levine, the far-more-successful creator of Bioshock. On the day the piece ran he tweeted: “Dear Internet, I am not the guy who hates Zachary Braff, that is tv writer and sportscaster Ken Levine. Met him once, nice guy but not me.”

But in addition to all the comments on my blog, a lot of bloggers and websites did their own articles reacting to my happy little essay. A thousand sites I had never heard of with names like Buzzo and Trendstop and Waaznew? I am thrilled and relieved to say that in the articles and the comments, even those who disagreed with me did so in a very respectful way. (I once wrote an offhanded joke about a certain shock jock morning team and received a thousand death threats, all misspelled.) In the best sense of the word, what we had here was a debate. Some arguments against my position were forceful but not personal. No one said I should “be in a plain crash and DIE!” (And there’s no such thing as an “Oozy.”)

On the other hand, there is a new trend on the net that if you disagree with someone you are labeled a hater. Your points are summarily dismissed and you're just a hater.  Or a troll.   Mr. Braff himself paints his naysayers with this one brush so I guess I'm a hater, despite saying nice things about him and promising to praise his next movie if I like it. 

From what I hear there was a lot of discussion about this topic around town so it took everyone’s mind off Justin Bieber’s Anne Frank comment for two days. And some newspapers ran it. Imagine if I had done something really noteworthy!

Ultimately, I have no idea the percentage of people who agreed or disagreed with me, but I stand by my position. And I wish everyone success who has a project on Kickstarter. Even Melissa Joan Hart. (Please follow me on Twitter, Melissa. PLEASE?)

As of this writing, I have not heard personally from Zach Braff, Rob Thomas, nor Melissa but I don’t expect to. I’m sure I’ll bump into each of them at parties or at the very least on the next WGA picket line and it will be real awkward.

The interesting phenomenon, that I alluded to earlier, is that as fast these things go viral, they disappear almost as fast. But every day or two some other site will pick it up and there’s a renewal of comments calling me ill-informed and naive so I still have that to cling to. Only fourteen of my fifteen minutes are up.

So I’ll happily go back down under the zeitgeist radar where my readers can get a laugh and won’t be confused when I discuss comedy writing. Why would a major video gamer discuss seltzer bottles? It’s nice and comfortable and manageable enough that we can all get to know each other. And if I want another spike in traffic I’ll just ask Annie to guest-blog for a day.

What's the latest on all those TV pilots?

Things are starting to fall into place for the networks' fall schedules. Many of the pilots that they were so high on two weeks ago are dead. Sure things like BEVERLY HILLS COP didn’t make it on the CBS schedule. Other front runners are wondering what happened.

The networks went back to New York last week to cobble together their schedules. As a prominent agent once said, “Everything turns to shit over Mississippi.”

It’s why you can’t get too excited when the network is thrilled that you had a good table reading, or you hear it’s some executive’s pet project. And even if your pilot turns out great and tests well, there’s still no guarantee it will get on the air. Or if it does, not be relocated to next April. If a network is enamored by a star they’ll often pick up a show even though they know it still isn’t perfect. That’s the case with SUPER FUN NIGHT. But ABC so wants to be in business with star Rebel Wilson that they’re willing to pick it up and retool. The odd man out might be you.

FOX gave a series commitment to DADS, a multi-camera Seth MacFarlane vehicle – a commitment – and that one still needs plenty of work.

Now this isn’t to say that these two are unique cases – each year plenty of new shows get revamped,  recast, etc. between the time they’re picked up and aired – and it’s not to say that the revamping doesn’t sometimes result in successful series. HAWAII FIVE-O was tinkered with endlessly and did alright. Come to think of it they’re still tinkering (as well they should).   Parker Posey and Alex Kapp Horner were just replaced on their picked-up pilots.  (Talk about we have good news and bad news...)

The bottom line on why shows get picked up – need, scheduling requirements (e.g. we need another multi-camera sitcom to go with our Tim Allen existing multi-camera sitcom), commitments to producers and studios, and first and foremost – does the network own the show? If there’s one slot open on NBC and you have a show at Warner Brothers that’s going up against a show owned by NBC/Universal, who do you think has the edge?

And before you get outraged, just know this is business and this is the way it has always been done. Producers know it, writers know it, actors know it.  Sometime you get jobbed but sometime you are the happy beneficiary. You just gotta play the game. And it is a game.

Who were the winners this year? Bill Lawrence certainly. He got a bunch of new shows on the air. Chuck Lorre picked up his fourth series (but that pilot deserved to get picked up on merit alone). Star producers like Joss Whedon (of course), Mike Schur, Greg Garcia, David E. Kelley, and Jerry Bruckheimer had productive pilot seasons. Star stars did well as well. They usually do. Robin Williams, Anna Faris, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Allison Janney, Will Arnett (again???), Tony Shaloub, Dylan McDermott, and Marg Helgenberger all landed series on CBS. And as mentioned, ABC thinks Rebel Wilson is a big star. NBC thought Maya Rudolph was two years ago. NBC comedy star power includes vehicles by Michael J. Fox and Sean Hayes.

It's a big year for comedies.  20 new sitcoms have been ordered.   Of course, last year 16 were ordered and only two survived (NEIGHBORS and THE MINDY PROJECT -- would those have been the two you guessed last September?).

Which brings us to the casualties – those current shows that were axed last week. Since I’m generally focused on comedies – NBC cancelled everything other than PARKS AND RECREATION (yay) and somewhat surprisingly, COMMUNITY (there’s a rumor that they might ask series creator, Dan Harmon back, but that’s ONLY a rumor -- repeat:  ONLY a rumor). But WHITNEY (thank God), GO ON, THE NEW NORMAL, 1600 PENN – gone. (What a difference a year makes. Last year the two stars of THE BOOK OF MORMON – Andrew Rannells and Josh Gad – both got series on NBC. This year, they’re both out.) SMASH was also put out of its (and our) misery.

But the message is clear. NBC was a disaster last year. It’s hard to build an audience with so many new shows but what choice did they have? Last year they had star vehicles (like Matthew Perry in GO ON), the Olympics to promote their schedule, THE VOICE, and SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL. And still they finished the year in shambles. I read their pilots and the one that was my favorite is still in contention. It’s called ASSISTANCE by playwright, Leslye Headland, and it stars the wonderful Krysten Ritter. By the time you read this it could be on the schedule or dead or both.

CBS cancelled RULES OF ENGAGEMENT (the show that everyone thought had been cancelled three years ago), but as of this writing picked up three new comedies. So it sounds like they will add another hour of sitcoms. Of all the networks CBS is always the most secretive.

ABC dumped MALIBU COUNTRY, HOW TO LIVE WITH YOUR PARENTS, FAMILY TOOLS, and HAPPY ENDINGS but picked up several new series. Steady performers, THE MIDDLE and SUBURGATORY will be back.

HAPPY ENDINGS is shopping elsewhere and may wind up on USA. It fared the best when following MODERN FAMILY and MF begins its syndication run on USA in the fall so the thinking is HE might be a good complement. Stay tuned. This is a whole new opportunity for cancelled series and failed pilots that never existed until a few years ago. Shows like COUGAR TOWN and SOUTHLAND (although it was just cancelled) have gotten a second life on cable channels. Studios are currently scrambling to see if they can do just that.

This is the time when things change and update almost by the minute. Networks are putting their final schedules together, deciding which of the shows they’ve picked up will be for the fall, mid-season, and how many will be ordered.

Let the games continue!

UPDATE!

I had to share this. A sideline reporter for the L.A.Kings interviewing Matthew Perry yesterday. Check out what he says about GO ON. You won't believe it I promise you. Thanks to my son, Matt for finding this.

Vacation tips: Where to find writers

I read articles all the time about where tourists visiting Los Angeles can see stars. There are also maps to the stars homes (although Jack Benny and Lucille Ball have moved to more permanent residences. ). But what about all those millions of visitors who come to Tinsel Town just to catch a glimpse at writers? There’s yet to be an article about that….

Until now.

So for those of you scribe groupies hoping to see an actual TV or screenwriter this summer vacation, here are some places to go:

NATE N’ AL’S – This perennial Beverly Hills delicatessen is officially Broadway Danny Rose west. Here is where old comedy writers go to die of heart failure. Usually in tables of five or more, piled high with pastrami sandwiches (“I’m hungry now that I’ve quit smoking!”) the old sitcom guard holds court, trading stories of the good old days when Elizabeth Montgomery was a doll to work with but that Cosby kid was a handful. (“Two comedy albums and suddenly he knows funny!”) Morning meetings between writers and agents, managers, or producers start about 9. The ones that are over by 10 are working writers, the ones that go on til 11 are not.

THE AMC THEATRES, CENTURY CITY – weekday matinees only. Usually in pairs. Listen for the keywords: “Who greenlit this shit?”

THE FARMERS’ MARKET FOOD COURT – weekday mornings, early. They have coffee, read the trades, bitch about their fantasy baseball teams, and get the hell out before all the tour busses arrive.  The smart ones are by Bob's Donuts.  Worth the trip just for one of those sinkers. 

Every STARBUCKS and COFFEE BEAN on Ventura Blvd between Vineland and White Oak. The scribes are easy to spot, sitting in front of computers, nursing one $3.00 ice blended for eight hours.

ART’S DELICATESSEN – Studio City. The San Fernando Valley equivalent of Nate N’ Al’s. Close to CBS Radford with oversized artery clogging triple deck sandwiches that include pastrami AND chopped liver. The one-time popular haunt of all the MTM writers so it’s kind of a shrine.

CEDARS SINAI HOSPITAL – West Hollywood. Home for all reunions of GRACE UNDER FIRE, CYBILL, and ROSEANNE writers.

THE SMOKE HOUSE – Burbank. Across the street from Warner Brothers studio. The bar area. Leave it to writers to think a good place to pick up chicks is at an old style red booth restaurant that’s been around since John Barrymore used to pass out there. Historic note: Captain & Tennille were discovered playing the Smoke House lounge – thus adding even more to the hip factor.  Toni is now 71 (but looks great). 

RESIDUALS – A bar in the valley that used to let writers pay for drinks with residual checks that were under a dollar. They eventually had to discontinue that practice because they were getting too many. I myself have received a check from THE SIMPSONS for one cent. And I’m sure it cost $5.00 to process and mail the check.   Just last week I got a check from THE JEFFERSONS for sixty cents -- probably my royalty from 100,000 DVD's sold. 

THE BRENTWOOD COUNTRY MART – Westside smaller version of the Farmers’ Market Food Court. Writers and news anchors hang out here. You’ll have no trouble telling which is which.

THE OAKWOOD GARDEN APARTMENTS -- Burbank. See recently divorced writers.

Any coffee shop above Hollywood on Franklin – Lots of guys trying to write the next PULP FICTION. Or MINDY PROJECT.

Happy hunting. One rule though: no handing out spec scripts! Let me repeat that:

NO HANDING OUT SCRIPTS!

Either working writers will be pissed or non-working writers will give you theirs.

And again, HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

Happy Mothers Day

This is my favorite mother joke. Actually it's a mother-in-law joke and it comes from the very politically incorrect but screamingly funny AMOS & ANDY SHOW. I believe this was written by Mosher & Connelly (who went on to create LEAVE IT TO BEAVER and THE MUNSTERS).

The Kingfish sets up a blind date for "Mama". Hoping the poor guy would like her and take her off of his hands he arranges for Mama to go to the beauty parlor. He's talking to the hair stylist, describing Mama. He says (and I'm paraphrasing), "Picture a grapefruit that's been out at sea. And it washes ashore, all covered with seaweed and crabs. Now it sits in the sun for a couple of weeks and gets all wrinkly and rotted and bugs are now flying around it. Can you picture that?" The hairstylist says "Uh huh." And the Kingfish says, "Good. If you can make her look that good I'd be satisfied!"

TOMORROW: I update the network pilots and cancelled shows.   Happy Mother's Day.

Recommendations

As longtime readers of this blog can imagine, I am sooooo broken up over the cancellation of WHITNEY that it's hard to write a new post today.  What is NBC thinking?  (Note for new readers:  I'm joking. I can't believe WHITNEY lasted two years.   A full updates on pilots arrives Monday.) 

So instead I will offer  some recommendations. I have not been paid or compensated in any way for these.  I offer them because I genuinely think you'll enjoy them and I'm in mourning.  You'll notice I'm not plugging my own books although that's, y'know, IMPLIED!

Miriam Trogden is a hilarious comedy writer.  She just returned from Paris and was interviewed by a fashion blog (of all things).  Her answers are priceless.  You can read it here.

Phoef Sutton has written a terrific novel called 15 MINUTES TO LIVE.  Fun twists and turns, and one of the weirdest romances you'll ever fine.  Treat yourself.

Baseball fans -- and especially Dodger fans -- Josh Suchon has written the definitive account of the charmed 1988 Kirk Gibson season.  You may think you know all that happened but you don't.  It's a great inside look at the game of baseball and the oddballs who play it.  WARNING:  Not for Oakland A's fans.  You can find it here.

I'm often asked who my comic influences were, and since I'm a radio geek, a big influence was Bob & Ray.  They were a comedy team that consistently performed the most inspired, silly but smart material.   Always funny, always dry, and as you will hear from this example -- absolute MASTERS of comic timing. 

Bob's son, by the way, is Chris Elliott.  Anyway, there's a new book out about them by David Pollock.  It's a nice chronicle of radio, the early days of television, and there's also some great stuff about MAD magazine in there.   And along the way, lots and lots of laughs, and comic pointers.  It's available in paperback here. 

For good beach reading there's Janet Evanovich & Lee Goldberg's THE HEIST.  Available here. 

What does THE BATES MOTEL have in common with MUPPET BABIES?

Tomorrow night I plan to be in Santa Barbara where CHEERS creators Glen & Les Charles and James Burrows will speak at UCSB. Should be fun.  I've always wanted to meet them.  Meanwhile, keep those Friday Questions coming. Here are this week’s:

Ron P. starts us off:

There's obviously been a lot of spinoffs... some successful... others not so much. But has there even been a prequel ?

Okay, readers, help me out here. Yes, first of all, although some of these might be prequels to movies, not other series. Still, off the top of my head there’s MUPPET BABIES, SMALLVILLE, FLINTSTONE KIDS, THE CARRIE DIARIES, BATES MOTEL, and HANNIBAL.

I’m sure there are more. Suggestions?

From Steve B.:

Ken, it seems that TV writing used to be more of a freelancer business, with less writers on staff and more freelance scripts handed out. If this is true, which do you think was the better system, both for the writers and for the shows?

Well, it’s certainly better for the writers to be on staff. More security and you’re getting paid by the episode in addition to any script assignments you get.

But it’s more advantageous for the showrunner to be able to give a writer a script first to see if he has a good feel for the show. That way he can staff his show only with writers he knows can contribute. The only downside is that a writer he may be considering gets a firm offer of staff work at another show and he loses him. And when you’re in the middle of staffing season (which we currently are) it’s like an insane game of musical chairs. So showrunners often don’t have the luxury of being able to audition potential staff members. Still, if I could, that’s a risk I’d be willing to take.

Best of luck to everybody either trying to staff or get on staff.

YEKIMI has a question related to my recent post on the “Boys in the Bar” episode of CHEERS.

Say you have the script for the two guys (extras, or for that matter anybody who may have a part, speaking or not, that interacts with the main cast) that kiss Norm....are they there for the table read, or does someone sit in for them and they're cast later?

In a case like this we would give the actors a few lines during the body of the show so they don’t come out of leftfield. But chances are they’d be hired for three of the five days so no, they wouldn’t be at the table read.

In each episode you look at the guest cast and decide how many days you’ll need each person. And crew people generally fill in for them in runthroughs if they’re not on set for the first day or two.  For table readings, writers usually get to pinch-hit.  I can say I've done scenes with Ted Danson, Kelsey Grammer, and David Hyde Pierce.   And I was so awesome the parts weren't cut as a result of my reading!

therapydoc is next:

Any idea if the MASH theme song was ever associated with a real suicide? It always creeped me out, the thought that people might sing it and then pop a cyanide.

In the movie there is a suicide sequence played for comic purposes. I suspect the lyrics were designed to complement that. But I can’t say for sure.

I can however, tell you this: Never ever were the lyrics sung on the television series. That was an iron-clad decree by series creators Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart. It’s a decision I happily stood by.

Please leave your questions in the comments section.  Thanks! 

Taking a dip in the SHARK TANK

As opposed to the one I've been swimming in the last two days.

The only reality show I’m hooked on is SHARK TANK, Friday nights on ABC. No one sings, no one has to ride a bike through Siberia, Salsa dance, prepare a 5-star meal on a George Foreman grill, share a house with Melissa Rivers, not shower for a month, or whore themselves for a date. No one’s self worth is determined by Sharon, Mariah Carey, or worse -- people we've never heard of.

Folks pitch new products they’ve created to a panel of millionaires and billionaires who invest their own money if they like the product. It’s that large exhibition hall in every state and county fair where hucksters try to sell you a dizzying array of magic car waxes, self-cleaning woks, vacuum cleaners that double as dehumidifiers, and nuclear-powered nose hair trimmers. Only, instead of Suzie Homemaker being the target customer, it’s the woman who started QVC.

You’d think it would be a snooze. Infomercials and boring business-related discussions on distribution, cost margins, profit projections, etc.  Ugghh!  And yet, for me, it’s appointment television.

Some of the amateur entrepreneurs come in with better mousetraps and you feel glad for them. One or more “sharks” (millionaires/billionaires) invest and with their infusion of cash and contacts you suspect the product will become a big hit.  It’s the American Dream, carefully staged.  And who doesn't love those little guy makes good stories?  (Especially this week.)

Then for amusement they have idiots pitching such must-have-items as electric zappers to shock squirrels who try to eat from a bird feeder and a full body spandex suit. And invariably, the nimrod who has the squirrel taser wants $200,000 for 5% of his company.

The sharks themselves are somewhat entertaining.

Every panel has to have a villain and in this case it’s Kevin O’Leary, a bald arrogant shyster who calls himself, Mr. Wonderful. He’s caustic at times, disruptive, but always amusing and often he parcels out excellent advice. Whenever he makes an offer though it’s always ludicrous. “I’ll give you $30,000 for 70% of your company and I want a dollar for every cookie you sell in perpetuity.” I’d say no one is that stupid but hey, Rupert Murdoch bought My Space for a billion-and-a-half, so from time to time a yokel takes Kevin up on his offer.

Robert Herjavec is the smooth, handsome, personable shark who never buys anything. Why he’s there I don’t know. He samples the cupcakes in a jar and frozen gumbo and loves everything and everyone then says the business model doesn’t work for him so he’s out. We’re going to find out that he isn’t as rich as he says he is when he also shows up as a contestant on CASH CAB.

Lori Grenier launched QVC and is the real deal. Happily, she doesn’t come off as a Prada-wearing devil. Whereas Mr. Wonderful is all bluster, Lori just whines. She’s Garry Marshall if he looked kinda like Streisand. But Lori is a sharp cookie who knows what she wants. Sometimes there’s a bidding war between the sharks and if I were the young capitalist I would probably go with Lori.

Sometimes Barbara Corcoran is on instead of Lori. She’s a real estate billionaire, a little older, essentially Jane Hathaway on the BEVERLY HILLBILLIES.

Daymon John is the cultured mogul with a diamond stud in his ear. He sits back and plays Yoda. But from time to time he will invest. And he’s another of the sharks I’d go with if there were options. You know with Mr. Wonderful that if he partnered with you you’d never get him on the phone. One of his flunkies might return your call in a year. But Daymon would probably call you back. So would Robert, but that might be to ask you for a loan. Again, why is he even there?

Finally, you have billionaire (Dallas) maverick, Mark Cuban. Charming, boyish, and whip smart. This is not “Arthur” after rehab. He asks great questions and will invest if he likes the package. When he passes it’s usually with a good explanation. Robert’s is always, “I just don’t see it” and Daymon rarely bothers at all. “I’m out” is all he offers. Lori will let the guy down easy, Barbara will blame Mr. Drysdale, and Kevin will just say the person should kill himself because he’s too stupid to live. If I were lucky enough that Mark wanted to go in with me, I would take him over all the others. Mark would take my phone call. Mark would send me a Mavericks jersey.

One feature of the show I love is the updates. Each week they follow-up on a former contestant. They’re always the success stories of course. But sometimes they feature contestants who the sharks didn’t back, and we see that they thrived anyway. Of course, getting exposure on a national television show (even on a Friday night) didn’t hurt.

Like I said, it’s the kind of show you think would get repetitious, and for the most part it does, but for some reason I love it. Week after week. And I probably will continue to love it as long as Zach Braff doesn’t show up pitching his freakin’ movie.

My response to your Zach Braff comments

First off, wow! I’ve never gone really viral before. Yesterday I got 622,000 hits. I’m going to be real pissed if today it goes back down to 12.

Thanks to all of you who commented, even those who disagreed with me. Your arguments were thoughtful, well stated, and you made some great points. See Roseanne? People can take issue with me without calling me an asshat.

And you all are welcome to keep commenting.

But let me respond.

A lot of you contend that Zach Braff has actually brought increased visibility to Kickstarter, which is good for the site and good for the little guy seeking backing for his/her small film. If that is so, then great! My underlining concern is that the unknown filmmaker gets hosed. If in fact, he doesn’t, then I’m thrilled. Will this be the case? I don’t know. I think we’ll have to see in a couple of years. In the meantime, more actors and known quantities will jump on this gravy train. That’s a given. Will unknowns still reap the benefit when there are twenty former sitcom stars asking for your money?

Sidebar #1: Did you see where Melissa Joan Hart is trying to get a project funded on Kickstarter? And here’s her big incentive: She’ll follow you on Twitter for a year.  Oh, be still my heart! You and Melissa will be BFF’s! Every day she’ll go on Twitter to see how you’re coming on that dress you’re making for the prom. OR… she agrees to follow 20,000 people and never once looks at her Twitter page. Which do you think is more likely?

Others said my point that investors have a finite amount they will spend and will put their money into Zach’s project instead of others is a fallacy. It’s not a zero-sum proposition. Okay, you may be right. I have no hard evidence either way.

One reader, Andrew wrote: I'm not sure why you, a professional, published author, are writing a blog. Blogs are supposed to be for people who haven't made the connections to get published yet, or whose views are too outrageous or controversial. How dare you take up valuable cyberspace on Blagger that could be going to unknowns?   Uh, the difference is there's more than enough space for all blogs, and I'm not asking for money.  I provide the content of this blog for free. And occasionally you get your money's worth. 

Angry people asked what right I had to determine who should qualify for Kickstarter and who shouldn’t? I never said Zach Braff should be banned. I just said I didn’t support him.

If you choose to support Zach Braff, fine. Or VERONICA MARS (more on that later).

But know this about Zach Braff – he made $400,000 an episode the last year of SCRUBS. His estimated worth is $22 million.  He raised $2.4 million.  Couldn't he front that himself?  Especially since he'd get a lot or all of it back when he gets a distributor.  A Twitter follower, Julieta Colas tweeted: “I think Zach Braff, in particular, is at a point where he should be giving back to the community, rather than asking.” I’m just sayin’… (well, actually she’s just sayin’…).

In Zach’s promotional video (where he was able to get Jim Parson to join him – another advantage he has over the peons) he claims that there were investors willing to back his movie but they wanted some control. They wanted casting approval and final cut. It’s their money, you can’t really blame ‘em for that. And I appreciate his standing up for his vision. But you know what? If he gets his film made, exactly to his satisfaction – he’s still going to have to go to Hollywood for distribution. And it’s not impossible that a buyer might say “We’ll distribute it but we want you to cut this scene or take ten minutes out of the movie or change the music.  Now depending on whether he has other offers he might have a big decision to make at that point.  He still might end up editing his film to someone else’s specifications.

And if his movie does get distributed, some "evil" studio will share in the profits.  

Sidebar #2: When Billy Wilder was faced was this same “final cut” issue on the first movie he directed he shot only the angles he would use. There was no other way to cut the film. There were no alternative angles anywhere.  So there are ways…

And finally, a lot of you agreed with me about Zach Braff but not VERONICA MARS. You pointed out that creator Rob Thomas did try for years to get Warner Brothers to make it and they flatly refused. This was a viable alternative. There would be no VERONICA MARS movie had it not been for Kickstarter. Fair enough and I’m looking forward to seeing it. I also give Rob Thomas points for ingenuity. He was the first to use Kickstarter in this regard.

One great distinction a lot of you made is that for Rob Thomas and VERONICA MARS, this was an absolute last resort.  Zach Braff had backers but chose not to use them.  Kickstarter was a luxury for Braff, a necessity for Thomas. 

But keep this in mind re VERONICA: Warner Brothers had to approve Rob Thomas’ plan to take the project to Kickstarter. This means Warner Brothers does still own it (or part of it). If it’s a hit they still make a nice profit. Look at it from their perspective. They get a possible hit movie, they didn’t have to lay out a cent for production, and they don't have to share the profits with the investors.  They give them T-shirts and souvenirs and they're off the hook.  How sweet a deal is that? On a project they didn’t even believe in.  What a win/win.

I understand the passion of VERONICA MARS fans and wish there were enough ALMOST PERFECT fans so I could do the same thing. But again, I worry that studios now view this as a viable way to get movies made at no cost to them.  Warner Brothers is probably saying, "If only we knew about this before we greenlit JACK THE GIANT SLAYER."

And I’ll just leave you with this – I love Kickstarter because it offers an alternative to the studio system. Hollywood continues to consolidate. Conglomerates get bigger and bigger. And choices become fewer and fewer. The result is a new GI JOE every summer. Through websites like Kickstarter we have the chance to see different, more personal, less commercial fare. We also have the chance to see amateurish shit but that’s beside the point. I just want to make sure those young filmmakers have a shot. That’s all.

And I want my Twitter feed to be so dazzling that Melissa Joan Hart will follow me. 

UPDATE: I understand that Zach's fans have been asked to rally to his defense so I'm getting a lot of comments supporting him, which is fine.  Please continue (although I'm sure I'll now get a bunch saying that's not true -- whatever).  I just want everyone to know why the sentiment seems so skewed.  Okay.  Get back to bashing. 

I won't give Zach Braff one dime

Zach Braff is trying to raise money on Kickstarter to fund a movie he wants to make. Zach Braff is a good actor and a fine filmmaker. GARDEN STATE was a terrific movie. But I wouldn’t give him a dime.

Why?

Because it defeats the whole purpose of Kickstarter.

The idea – and it’s a great one – is that Kickstarter allows filmmakers who otherwise would have NO access to Hollywood and NO access to serious investors to scrounge up enough money to make their movies. Zach Braff has contacts. Zach Braff has a name. Zach Braff has a track record. Zach Braff has residuals.  He can get in a room with money people. He is represented by a major talent agency. But the poor schmoe in Mobile, Alabama or Walla Walla, Washington has none of those advantages.

So someone who otherwise might have funded the Mobile kid instead will toss his coins to Zach Braff because he figures it’s a better bet and he gets to rub shoulders with show business.

Yes, it might take Zach Braff a year of knocking on doors to get his money, so now he figures, hey, just show up, sit back, and let the cash come to me. This is not an option Walla Walla kid has. I’m throwing my support to those who really NEED it.

Recently, Kickstarter was used to fund a new VERONICA MARS movie. This is obscene to me. It’s a known television series distributed by a major studio. Are you a big fan of VERONICA MARS? Want to support it? Great. Buy ten tickets and see the movie ten times.

This is what Hollywood does, dear reader. It sees an opportunity for exploitation and takes it. The Sundance Film Festival is another prime example. At one time it showcased modest little movies by unknown filmmakers. Kevin Smith made CLERKS – a grimy black and white film starring all unknowns. The result was discovered talent. Now look at the festival. Every entry features major Hollywood stars. During the festival they all descend upon Park City, along with Harvey Weinstein, reps from every major studio, and a thousand CAA and William Morris agents. Any hint of the original purpose of the film festival has long since vanished.

If Will Ferrell or Brad Pitt – just to name two random examples – are in an independent film, do they really need a film festival to get Harvey Weinstein to screen their film? The chubby nerd from New Jersey who maxed out his credit cards to make a film about a local convenience store couldn’t. He needed a film festival. He needed an audience to appreciate his effort before he could be recognized. And now today’s equivalent of a young Kevin Smith can’t even get his movie into a festival much less Harvey Weinstein’s screening room.

Sundance is a lost cause. But Kickstarter isn’t. Not if we put a stop to this now. If you only have so much money to give to charity, give it to cancer research and not to help redecorate Beyonce’s plane. Support young hungry filmmakers. The next Kevin Smith is out there… somewhere. He (or she) just needs a break, which is what Kickstarter is supposed to provide. Zach Braff can find his money elsewhere. He did once before. He’ll make his movie. And if it’s half as good as GARDEN STATE I will praise it to the heavens in this blog and urge you to go spend your money to check it out.

When I used to broadcast for the Orioles one of my partners was the legendary Chuck Thompson. Most of our games were at night. Chuck was an avid golfer. He played the public courses and only on weekdays. He used to say the weekends were for the “working man.” Chuck could play any day he wanted, they could only play on Saturday and Sunday so he didn’t want to take one of their starting times. It’s a great way to live by.

Kickstarter is for the “working man,” Zach. And VERONICA. And (soon) Harvey.

Hello to all the new readers as this post has apparently gone viral.  Please feel free to look around and come back.  I'm usually funnier than this. 

And further update -- thanks for all the great comments, even those that disagree with me. Here  is my response to all your thoughts.

The Days of Wine and Onions

I’ve done many travelogues from major cities like New York, Paris, and London.  (You're welcome to buy the book.)  But today comes one from a small town, Walla Walla (along with a lot of photos). I was there to speak at the kick-off banquet for their summer college league team, the Sweets, and visit my good friend Mr. Great Big Radio who moved there when he entered the Witness Protection Program.

First – the flight. New feature at the Alaska terminal in LA – Monet’s California Deli. How can anyone think of French Impressionism without thinking of a pastrami on whole wheat with mustard and sprouts?

Flew first to Seattle (where I’m already forgotten) then took a prop plane to Walla Walla. By “prop” I don’t just mean propellers. I think this might have been the exact plane we used on WINGS. Steven Weber’s lines may still be taped to the flight panel.

Walla Walla is located somewhere in Washington, fifty miles north of Hooterville and thirteen miles west of Pixley. It is known for its onions, wine, and prison. And it’s the home of the Tidy Bowl Man!

The town itself is very charming. Population: 30,000. The Jewish population doubled when I arrived. Now that it boasts 150 wineries Walla2 has gotten very trendy in spots. Picture Carmel with grain elevators.

One winery -- Cayuse – is so snooty there’s a waiting list just to get on the mailing list to let you know if you’re maybe eligible to join their wine club. This is not a joke. Unless their Edith Grenache Rose is also the Fountain of Youth, an orgasm with every sip, and can cure eczema, I for one would tell them to stick their waiting list where the grapes don’t grow and make do with the other 149 spectacular vineyards in the area.

Former NFL quarterback, Drew Bledsoe is the owner of one. Doubleback. Everyone is welcome to join his mailing list except Tom Brady.

All of Walla Walla’s historical figures fought for peace, were then brutally slaughtered, and now have statues. TV’s Batman, Adam West hails from the area. If reviews count, Adam deserves a statue too.

The place to go for breakfast is Tommy’s Dutch Lunch. From the outside it looks like the shack where Jeffrey Dahmer stored his victims, but the food is delicious. We sat at a large table and three guys who could easily have been Larry, Daryl, and Daryl just sat right down. “Yeah fellas, don’t be shy. Squeeze in here. They serve biscuits and gravy so this must be Benihana’s.”

Nice touch on the wall behind me – a fly swatter.

City charm extends to the maximum security prison. It looks like a racetrack. They even call it State Penitentiary Grounds. Lovely white picket fences and serene rolling lawns. Alas, “backstretch”, “in the money”, and “pick three” mean very different things.

One must-see attraction is the Museum of Un-Natural History. Founded by Gerry Matthews, America’s beloved Tidy Bowl Man, it’s one of most impressive collection of worthless tchotchkes in the world. Bizarre figurines, surreal kinetic mobiles, questionable art pieces, and junk are arranged in dazzling displays of satire, political statements, and the need for meds. This is like a CT-scan of Terry Gilliam’s brain.

They have a restaurant called Mr. Ed’s. I’m sure business was booming during the horsemeat scare.

I was there during Release Week, which thank goodness didn’t mean all the inmates were set free. It meant the wineries released their spring lines. And Cayuse deleted their waiting list.

Jacobi’s is an Italian restaurant in a train car (Mussolini promises that all entrees will be delivered on time). The night I was there one table of nineteen people all wanted separate checks. Yeah, we’re the cheap ones.

The Walla Walla Sweets banquet was held in the former Lincoln Logs factory, which explained why none of the corners matched. Where are Lincoln Logs made today? China.

There’s nothing like the purity of college league baseball. You sit close to the players, watch them live out their dreams, and what’s a ballgame without a salmon burger?

Eighteen times I drove by Popular Donuts and there was never a single car in the lot. Just how popular can they be?

Ever notice that roads to vinyard tasting rooms are always winding? Customers are asked to sample five wines then negotiate hairpin turns.

I imagine the road to the Cayuse tasting room is unmarked. If you can’t find it in the dark with your lights off you’re not the type of person worthy of sampling their vintage Merlot.

Thanks to Mr. Great Big Radio, Bonnie of Bonnie’s Survival Cookies (kicking Popular Donuts' ass), Zach, the Walla Walla Sweets, and of course, the Tidy Bowl Man for reminding me again how terrific small town living can be. No traffic. Free parking. Only one Starbucks downtown. And everyone is friendly… well, almost everyone.

Hey, if any of you convicts from the prison are reading this blog, do me a favor and apply for the Cayuse wine club. Say: “Although many of us in cellblock D find your Armada Vineyard Syrah lacking in nuance, some of the murderers enjoy it at mealtime. It especially compliments Sloppy Joes.”

The CHEERS episode we wrote that is now very timely

With the recent announcement by NBA player, Jason Collins that he's gay, I've been asked to talk about the "Boys in the Bar" episode of CHEERS that my partner David Isaacs and I wrote.  The story has suddenly become very timely.  So here again is my behind-the-scenes account of that episode:
Sometimes you just never know.

David and I wrote an episode of CHEERS the first season called “Boys in the Bar”. We were also producing the show at the time with the Charles Brother and Jim Burrows.

The subject matter was a little tricky. It had been reported in the papers that a former player for the Dodgers, Glenn Burke admitted he was gay. We thought, what if Sam’s roommate during his playing days made the same admission? It seemed like a great way to explore the homophobia you find in some sports bars. Okay…most.

So we came up with this story: When Sam’s ex-roommate reveals he’s gay Sam must decide whether or not to support him. There is concern from the bar regulars that if Sam does the bar will go gay. I never said these were smart bar regulars. Still, Sam does back his former roomy and the regulars are very on edge. The next day, when they suspect two patrons of being gay they try in their clumsy oafish way to “encourage” them to leave. The suspects eventually do and Norm, Cliff, and the gang are feeling very good about themselves until they realize they chased out the wrong pair. The real gay guys are standing on either side of Norm and both kiss him at once.

There was concern from the get-go that this story might be a little too risky for a series that at the time was struggling to find an audience. (It’s bad enough CHEERS was losing to SIMON & SIMON at the time, it was getting its ass kicked by TUCKER’S WITCH too.) We forged ahead anyway and wrote the draft.

Everyone seemed to like it but was still a little worried. To their credit, the Charles Brothers and Jim Burrows did not back away. They put the show on the production schedule.

The first day of production a table reading is scheduled. The cast sits around a large conference table and reads the script aloud. Writers gauge how it’s playing and begin rewriting the things that didn’t appear to work. “Boys in the Bar” seemed to go okay. Not through the roof but decent.

As I walked out of the room Ted Danson approached and said, “Don’t change a word.” I was a little overly defensive and didn’t appreciate the sarcasm, “Hey, give me a break”, I snapped, “We tried for something, okay?” He waved his hands. “No, no, I mean it. It’s great. Don’t change a word.” Needless to say I felt like a giant ass… but was relieved.

The week of rehearsals went smoothly. Just a little tweaking here and there but no major rewrites.

CHEERS, like most multi-camera shows, operated on a five-day production schedule. The first three for rehearsing with the cast alone, then on day four the camera crews come in and the technical work is done. Finally, on day five the show is shot in front of a live studio audience.

The crew is usually a good indicator of what works. We’ve now heard every joke nine times. Nothing is funny to us. They’re hearing the material for the first time.

The crew LOVED “Boys in the Bar’. Big laughs all the way through. And by far the biggest was the last joke where the two guys flanking Norm kiss him. It was easily the biggest crew laugh of the year.

So we felt great heading into show night. Sure enough the audience was with us from the first minute. One joke (Sam telling Diane he should’ve known his roommate was gay, in a piano bar he once requested a show tune) got such a thunderous prolonged laugh that they had to stop cameras. Too much film was being wasted.

The show and the laughs barreled on. I was having the time of my life. There’s nothing a writer craves more than hearing big laughs. Now we’re at the end. The two gay guys lean in and kiss Norm, and…

Silence. Dead silence. You could hear crickets.

It wasn’t like some people got it and others didn’t. Nobody laughed. Not a single person.

I felt like Wile E. Coyote when he runs off a cliff and is in mid-air for a few seconds before he realizes it, then plummets to the ground. That was me and the rest of the staff.

We quickly huddled. No one had an explanation. The best we could come up with was that the audience didn’t realize that was the end. They were waiting for something else. So we reshot the scene and after the kiss we added a line. Norm points to one and says, “Better than Vera”. That got a sort-of laugh but was the best we could do. Cut to the closing credit and get the hell out.

We received an Emmy nomination for that show and won the Writers Guild Award for it. It’s still one of my proudest episodes. But to this day I scratch my head.

The crew liked it! They all got it!

My greatest home run call

Hello from Walla Walla, Washington where I spoke this week at the Walla Walla Sweets kickoff dinner.  People always ask "what's your greatest home run call?"  It came my first year in the minors with the Syracuse Chiefs, and it became sort of a legend.   The Syracuse Post-Standard even did a story about it as recently as last month.   So I told that story and will repeat it here.   Even if you're not a baseball fan (and many of you aren't -- I hear the complaints whenever I do a baseball post) you will enjoy this story. 

The Chiefs were then the AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays (now they're the Washington National's top farm club).  My broadcast partner was Dan Hoard, now the voice of the Cincinnati Bengals and University of Cincinnati football and basketball.   In 1988 our station had a weaker signal than my home Wifi transmitter. At night you couldn’t hear it at the ballpark. When people complained I used to say that this was just the flagship station of the “Worldwide Syracuse Chiefs Radio Network”. I would pause for station identification every half hour and make up all this crap about how popular the Chiefs were in Norway and Bhutan.

We had a third baseman named Norm Tonucci. Sweet kid from Connecticut who was on a year long slump. He came to bat once and I said we had many listeners from Borneo because Norm was a folk hero over there. I then created some story that his father had parachuted behind enemy lines in World War II and single handedly saved the country. I said the currency of Borneo is “Tonuches”, that 90% of male babies and 70% of female babies were named Norm. Every time he came to bat I would reprieve this Borneo connection and night after night he would go 0-3, 0-4, 0-8 (doubleheader).

One night we’re in Oklahoma City and Norm hits a triple. When he came to bat the next time up I talked about how excited the people of Borneo were over the triple. The next pitch he just crushed. And this was my home run call:

“Tonucci swings and there’s a long drive to deep left field. Steve Kemp goes back…to the track…to the wall….NO SCHOOL TOMORROW IN BORNEO!”

Friday Questions

Friday Questions this week come to you from Walla Walla, Washington. Your first question is “what am I doing in Walla Walla, Washington?” I spoke last night at the kick off banquet for their summer college league team, the Sweets. Thanks to all for a great and fun evening. Okay, here are your Q’s and my A’s:

Starting us off is Andrew Wickliffe:

I'm watching season 11 of MASH right now and it seems like production values changed a lot. Like they went to videotape or sets instead of location. The entire show looks different; starting a few episodes after Radar left.

MASH never went to videotape. The look of a show can change if the Director of Photography (Cinematographer) changes. Each DP has his own preference and distinct look. Over the eleven seasons, MASH had several DP’s. That’s probably what you’re reacting to.

Remember also that MASH only filmed exteriors out at the Malibu Ranch during the summer and early fall while there was still a lot of daytime light. Once we went to Pacific Standard Time and it got dark at 5:00 we could no longer fit all the work that was needed into the day. So for the last seven or eight shows each season, any exterior shot (day or night) was filmed on a soundstage. And those tended to look crappy, especially the daytime ones.  Think Brady Bunch backyard.

In planning out the season we purposely held back shows that didn’t require daytime exteriors and filmed those towards the end of the year.  And shows that did need a lot of exteriors were moved up.

The first MASH script ever written with Charles Winchester in it was “Merchant of Korea” written by me and David Isaacs. But since the plotline involved a night-time poker game we didn’t actually shoot the show until maybe the 15th or 16th episode of the season. That script was used as a template however for the other writers to write the Charles character.  And those subsequently aired before ours. 

From Mark Roman:

The Mantra used to be that if you were over 40 that you were too old to write for a sitcom.

I've seen numerous writers stand by those words and said the only way to be 40 on the show it to Create The Show.

Does this theory still carry any weight or has this changed?

There is definitely an age bias. At least in sitcoms. But networks are not unaware that the writers for their most successful shows – BIG BANG THEORY, MODERN FAMILY, TWO AND A HALF MEN, etc. are generally over forty, and in some cases, over fifty.

It’s definitely harder to get work if you’re over forty but not impossible. One way certainly is to create a show. But there are a number of older writers who are still in demand because of their talent and experience.

Just because you’re forty doesn’t mean you’re not hip. Louis C.K. is forty-five.

worzel wonders:

What is the brand of shirt that Sam Malone (Ted Danson) wears on CHEERS?

Generally Nike. A few years ago I wrote a post about how I borrowed Ted’s wardrobe for an article about me in GQ. (Yes, as unbelievable as that sounds, GQ once did an article about me.) You can read that post here.

And finally, Charlie Van Dyke, whose voice you hear on 1000 radio stations and 700 TV stations, asks:

What's with the current deal of rolling credits so long at the start of a show? I watched two shows on CBS last night and the credits kept popping up for the first 15 minutes of both shows.

Annoying, isn’t it? This is a by-product of networks eliminating opening titles and credits. They fear opening titles cause tune-out. Personally, I think they’re dead wrong. I love opening titles and theme songs. Even with my DVR I never fast-forward through the HOMELAND opening titles, or JUSTIFIED, or any show. Do you fast-forward through the opening titles of MASH or CHEERS? In some cases the opening titles are the best thing about a show. MIAMI VICE falls under that category for me.

But as a result, all the actor, writer, director, producer, and guest cast credits have to be snuck into the content of the show. And in many cases that’s a lot of names.

As a writer it drives me crazy because these credits distract an audience. I want viewers paying attention to the story and jokes. But practically all shows do it now so that irritating practice is here to stay.  It's like a performer trying to sing while waiters are still clearing tables. 

What’s your question? They will find me no matter where in the world I am.

These are the two guys we wanted to be

When my partner, David Isaacs and I were starting out, writing spec scripts and trying to break in, THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW was on every afternoon. We’d watch it religiously, both for inspiration and laughs. Unlike most shows today, the writing credits of THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW were at the end.

We considered ourselves such students of the show that we tried to guess who wrote each episode. We felt we could differentiate the individual subtle styles of the primary writers. Freelance writers would throw us off. We’d mistake Bill Idelson’s shows for someone else’s, but for the most part the scripts were written by either Carl Reiner, Bill Persky & Sam Denoff, and Garry Marshall & Jerry Belson.

If it was an episode from one of the first few seasons you couldn’t lose betting on Carl Reiner. How he wrote so many episodes (they did 39 a season back then) and was still alive in 1965 must less today is remarkable. But in the middle and later years of the show two teams shared the heavy lifting along with Carl.. Both teams were terrific. Persky & Denoff’s “Coast to Coast Big Mouth” is one of the great single episodes of comedy of all-time.

But our favorite team was Marshall & Belson. Their episodes just seemed a touch edgier, sharper, and funnier. It was often hard to distinguish between Reiner and Persky & Denoff, but we could almost always identify a Marshall & Belson script.

So our goal was not to just become comedy writers, we wanted to be “Marshall & Belson.” We wanted our scripts to have that extra dash of sparkle that stood out. We wanted young writers to be able to identify our scripts the way we were able to pick out theirs.

I think that goal served us well. It pushed us to set higher standards for ourselves. With so much competition it's easy to feel you've won just by breaking in.  And that is quite an accomplishment.  But ultimately it's not enough.  What can you do to stay in the game? 

If you’re a young writer toiling on those specs, I really recommend adopting our mind set. Whether it’s Dan Harmon, Tina Fey, Aaron Sorkin, Vince Gilligan, the Charles Brothers, Larry David – whoever you admire – strive to be that good. You never know. Someday someone might want to be you.

Summer Movies Preview 3

Part 2 was yesterday.  Part 1 on Monday.  Today I wrap up my annual look of what will be going on in the background while people text:  


THE BLING RING -- Emma Watson in a true story about teenagers who rip off stars like Lindsey Lohan. Wouldn’t it be great if Emily was caught and then had to share the same cell as Lindsey? Now that movie I’d see.

THE INTERNSHIP – Vince Vaughn re-teams with Owen Wilson.  This time they try to crash Google.

EVACATEUR – Documentary on original shock talk show host. Will do okay the first weekend then nothing. That’s because the kids will get wise that it’s about Morton Downey Jr. not Robert Downey Jr.

RAPTURE-PALOOZA – Tagline: Satan wants to marry Anna Kendrick. Does Ari Emanuel make his film debut?

VEHICLE 19 – A guy drives away in a rental car with a woman bound in the truck. Big deal. That comes standard in every Alamo rental.

PACIFIC RIM – If you read that title and thought it was probably a movie abut World War II, you’re not the intended audience. Sci-Fi blockbuster. Robots, explosions, and everything else the 54 other end-of-the-world movies coming out this year feature. I’ll bet there are even some burned out old Impalas somewhere.

GIRL MOST LIKELY – Kristen Wiig stages a suicide to win back a boyfriend. I guess she’s never heard of oral sex.

THE WOLVERINE – Hugh Jackman reprises his steel fanged Marvel comic character. In this one he tries to put in a contact lens.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 – The ultimate challenge: street racing through a farmers’ markets.

TWENTY FEET FROM STARDOM – documentary on backup singers. I’m singing “yeah yeah yeah” with this one.

COCKNEYS VS. ZOMBIES – Isn’t this every NYU film student’s spec screenplay?

THE HEAT – Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock in a buddy yuckfest. Sandra has shown she’s adept at comedy and Melissa is very funny when not in MIKE & MOLLY.

WHITE HOUSE DOWN – What is it this time? Terrorists? Aliens? Termites? Whatever. We’ve seen it.

TURBO – Animated film starring Ryan Reynolds. He can’t open a movie to save his life, but maybe his voice can.

ELYSIUM – Matt Damon’s entry in the Sci-Fi/ End-of-the-world/ burned out old Impalas summer sweepstakes. How do we know the future won’t be like THE JETSONS?

WE’RE THE MILLERS – Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston pose as a family trying to smuggle marijuana across the Mexican border – and let me guess, eventually they do become a family? Oh well, at least Barbra Streisand's not in it.

THE TO-DO LIST – Star Aubrey Plaza's to-do list is try to play a different character than the one she plays on PARKS AND RECREATIONS and every other project.

See ya at the movies!  Maybe.