Wednesday, May 01, 2013

Summer Movies Preview 3

Part 2 was yesterday Part 1 on Monday.  Today I wrap up my annual look of what will be going on in the background while people text:  


THE BLING RING -- Emma Watson in a true story about teenagers who rip off stars like Lindsey Lohan. Wouldn’t it be great if Emily was caught and then had to share the same cell as Lindsey? Now that movie I’d see.

THE INTERNSHIP – Vince Vaughn re-teams with Owen Wilson.  This time they try to crash Google.

EVACATEUR – Documentary on original shock talk show host. Will do okay the first weekend then nothing. That’s because the kids will get wise that it’s about Morton Downey Jr. not Robert Downey Jr.

RAPTURE-PALOOZA – Tagline: Satan wants to marry Anna Kendrick. Does Ari Emanuel make his film debut?

VEHICLE 19 – A guy drives away in a rental car with a woman bound in the truck. Big deal. That comes standard in every Alamo rental.

PACIFIC RIM – If you read that title and thought it was probably a movie abut World War II, you’re not the intended audience. Sci-Fi blockbuster. Robots, explosions, and everything else the 54 other end-of-the-world movies coming out this year feature. I’ll bet there are even some burned out old Impalas somewhere.

GIRL MOST LIKELY – Kristen Wiig stages a suicide to win back a boyfriend. I guess she’s never heard of oral sex.


THE WOLVERINE – Hugh Jackman reprises his steel fanged Marvel comic character. In this one he tries to put in a contact lens.

FAST & FURIOUS 6 – The ultimate challenge: street racing through a farmers’ markets.

TWENTY FEET FROM STARDOM – documentary on backup singers. I’m singing “yeah yeah yeah” with this one.

COCKNEYS VS. ZOMBIES – Isn’t this every NYU film student’s spec screenplay?

THE HEAT – Melissa McCarthy and Sandra Bullock in a buddy yuckfest. Sandra has shown she’s adept at comedy and Melissa is very funny when not in MIKE & MOLLY.

WHITE HOUSE DOWN – What is it this time? Terrorists? Aliens? Termites? Whatever. We’ve seen it.

TURBO – Animated film starring Ryan Reynolds. He can’t open a movie to save his life, but maybe his voice can.


ELYSIUM – Matt Damon’s entry in the Sci-Fi/ End-of-the-world/ burned out old Impalas summer sweepstakes. How do we know the future won’t be like THE JETSONS?

WE’RE THE MILLERS – Jason Sudeikis and Jennifer Aniston pose as a family trying to smuggle marijuana across the Mexican border – and let me guess, eventually they do become a family? Oh well, at least Barbra Streisand's not in it.

THE TO-DO LIST – Star Aubrey Plaza's to-do list is try to play a different character than the one she plays on PARKS AND RECREATIONS and every other project.

See ya at the movies!  Maybe.

14 comments:

The Curmudgeon said...

Wolverine trying to put in a contact lens would probably have made for a more thrilling movie than the one that's awaiting release.

Anonymous said...

Emma Watson?

swedishfish said...

It's Emma Watson, Ken, not Emily. Two *very* different actresses...

Charles H. Bryan said...

I have to say that I'm rooting a little for any movie called RAPTURE-PALOOZA. "Two teens battle their way through a religious apocalypse on a mission to defeat the Antichrist." Good plan for a Senior Trip, I say.

Ken, you make a good point - based on movies, we seem to really hate the future. Instead of burned out Impalas, why isn't the future full of even bigger flat screens in every home being watched by people with even bigger asses? The future isn't BLADE RUNNER; it's FRIDGE RUNNER.

Scooter Schechtman said...

Pacific Rim is already on dvd. Here's a review:
"Watch as these Asian Beauties serve up their Poo Poo Platters! Warning: An hour after watching, you’ll crave another serving!"

I must add it may not be the same movie as the title is rather broad.

Emily said...

Ken was obviously thinking of me...

Mac said...

Emma Watson and Lindsay Lohan sharing a cell? It's already been made - inside my head, on a continuous loop.
How many more variations on Zombies can there be? 'Zombieland' closed the closed the book on it for me; I don't see how they can improve on that.

James Moran said...

Genuinely thrilled to feature in your summer preview for the first time (long time reader)! I wrote Cockneys Vs Zombies, and am honoured to be Levined, sir. A drink is on me if you're ever around London way.

Also, I hope you like it if you get to see it, I'm calling it a feelgood family horror-comedy, because it kind of is...

James Moran

Javier Silva said...

James Moran> Good Luck for your movie.
Mr Levine> Fun and entertaining post and Now I see how you get a week off from writing the blog, take the summer movie list, micro review, spread into chapters and Voila! free week to fish or swim or do something fun

Cap'n Bob said...

All this and $10 popcorn keeps me away from the theaters.

Michael Stoffel said...

Cap'n Bob said...

All this and $10 popcorn keeps me away from the theaters.

Exactly. Who can afford it anymore?
It will all be on TBS in three years.

Mike Shannon Drayer said...

Baseball funny - last night on the MLB.TV game of the day, the Pirates & Brewers were locked in an 8-8 pitchers' duel. Bottom of the 7th, the Suds put 2 men on prompting a meeting on the mound with the Pirates' mgr., the infield, plus the pitcher & catcher. As you know, pitchers & catchers talk to one another while placing their respective gloves over their own mouths. Soon the camera goes to the TV booth where the Brewers' lead announcer, Brian Anderson (I think) with his hand over his mouth says, "I'm going to call the rest of the game like this." Certainly it was much funnier to see than it is to type. And it was much more entertaining than any of the coming movies!

Storm said...

@James Moran: Sounds like your film would be a fun double-featured teamed up with "Attack the Block", which I enjoyed immensely; monsters don't stand a chance against East End folk. Looking forward to your film; best of luck from an Anglophile nerdgirl!

Cheers, thanks a lot,

Storm

chuckcd said...

There's a joke in there somewhere about a head and a "wiig" but I can't seeem to put it together...