Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Summer Movies Preview 2 (the sequel)

This is either my Summer Movies Preview or Fall Netflix Preview.   Part 1 was yesterday.

THE LONE RANGER – Johnny Depp as Tonto.   I guess it’s still politically okay to be in white face.

SMURFS 2 – They’re blue, they’re back, and they’re pissed!

DESPICABLE ME 2 – They’re pink, they’re back, and they’re pissed!

RED 2 – They’re red, they’re back, and they’re pissed!

2 GUNS – When they make a sequel will it be called 2 GUNS 2? Stars Denzel Washington, which is enough to get me and every woman in the world in the theater.

GROWN UPS 2 – Sequel of maybe the worst movie in the last ten years. I’d see FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY again on a loop before sitting through this.

KICK ASS 2 – There was a KICK ASS 1?

300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE – Sequel to 300, but since most of those characters died this is parallel story. New characters will die.

ONLY GOD FORGIVES – Ryan Gosling. I don’t think even the Heavenly Father will let him off the hook for GANGSTER SQUAD.

R.I.P.D. – Ryan Reynolds and Jeff Bridges are dead lawmen who come back to life kill bad guys although what's the point of killing people when they can come back to life?  There is an NCIS spin-off out there with Ryan's name on it. 

BLUE JASMINE – Woody Allen’s once made movies. Now he makes travelogues. This one is set in San Francisco. Some filmmakers do it for the art, others for the money, Woody does it for the Hilton Honor Points.

DEALIN’ WITH IDIOTS – Jeff Garlin encountering the parents of young baseball players. The title might be too generous.

STRANDED – Christian Slater is an astronaut stuck on the moon. This is why you need Lexus roadside service.


DON JON – Joseph Gordon-Levitt wrote/directed/and stars in this film about a modern Don Juan. I guess that means the script I wrote where I star as Don Juan won’t get made now.

PLANES – Disney animation. CARS with airsick bags.

LOVELACE – Amanda Seyfried as ‘70s pornstar Linda Lovelace. I hope Amanda’s throat is more suited for this than singing.

The conclusion tomorrow: 

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

Kick Ass 1 is actually one of the more enjoyable movies of the last few years. Everybody liked it, save for the late Roger Ebert, who didn't like the notion of a 12-year old girl going Tarantino in a room full of armed bad-guys.

PatGLex said...

Actually, I think Despicable Me's minions are yellow.....

(BTW: most of this summer's movies for me: bleh.)

Mitchell Hundred said...

In fairness, Johnny Depp might have a bit of Native blood somewhere in his family tree. Although I've never thought of him as anything other than a white guy, so I don't see how that casting can be okay.

And Kick Ass 2 is likely to suck. The first one was a schizophrenic, disorganized mess which appparently had no problem with the fact that its female lead was a psychopathic child soldier (as opposed to a movie like Hanna). If a movie does not keep a consistent tone from beginning to to end, I can't suspend disbelief and enjoy it.

Unknown said...

Thanks for these terrific previews.

Sorry about your Don Juan script:(

Mark said...

We have Lovelace Hospital here in Isotope Land. I've always hoped that they would introduce a spokesperson named Linda for their advertising campaigns.

Mac said...

KICK ASS was good fun. Over the top, lots of action, Chloe Moretz was great.

The Jeff Garlin one might be good. Interesting to see if he can carry a film.

They should combine the sequel to Grown Ups with the sequel to 300, so that everyone dies a violent death. That would be the only reason for going to see a film with Rob Schneider.

D. McEwan said...

Actually, if you watch From Justin to Kelley with the sound off, it's very pretty to look at.

DwWashburn said...

Every promo picture I have seen for the Lone Ranger has Tonto staring at Loney with that blank stare. Sure hope he does more than this in the movie.

gottacook said...

Jeff Garlin has already carried a film, more or less - one that I came across on cable (which we don't have at home, by choice) a few years ago; it certainly had an amusing title: I Want Someone to Eat Cheese With. He wrote and directed it too.

Mike said...

That's not white paint on Depp's face. There's a bird perched on his head. They tell me it's lucky...

Cap'n Bob said...

Please, everyone, keep this in mind. The Lone Ranger movie has nothing to do with the real LR. This is another Hollywood bastardization of a venerable character with name recognition. And Johnny Depp kept falling of his horse.

Butt said...

Beautiful and Amazing Butt Girls in 2013

Geez said...

You as Don Juan? Don Juan doing what, picking up chicks at the Depends display in Walgreens? Don Juan putting off the ladies while he waits for his generic Cialis to arrive from India? Don Juan smooth-talking the woman who spoons the gravy over his salisbury steak in the cafeteria line at the senior center?

Javier Silva said...

geez -> funy? .... mmm...nope

Louise said...

"Funy?" Javier, there is a cool new book called a dictionary. I suggest you buy one. It will give you the help you need spelling these difficult words.

Diane L. said...

What do you like Ken? It seems like the list gets shorter and shorter. Maybe you need to hang out with some people who have open hearts/minds (not in the industry) and that will get you out of your comfort zone. You're so funny, it's a shame you don't seem to enjoy most things that took place after the year 2005. Your snark is starting to sound like bitterness and life is too short (and you're too talented) for that.

unkystan said...

I've actually seen "Lovelace" and it's pretty good!

Powerhouse Salter said...

Who was that masked man in the blue school blazer? Why... that was the Lone Preppie!

i could be a bob said...

Congrats to your friend Shotgun Tom Kelly and his star on the walk of fame! Not sure if you were there?

jbryant said...

To "Geez": You know, Ken's reference to a script about himself as Don Juan was self-deprecating. Part of the joke is how ridiculous it is that Hollywood would consider making a movie about Don Juan starring a middle-aged screenwriter. The other part of the joke is how self-centered it seems for Joseph Gordon-Levitt to write and direct a vanity project in which he plays a Don Juan type (assuming that's what the plot actually calls for). So it's sort of beside the point for you to make a post that does nothing but take cheap shots about Ken's age. Rest assured that Ken has not actually written such a project, freeing you to go forth and find something real to scoff about.

cadavra said...

"They should combine the sequel to Grown Ups with the sequel to 300, so that everyone dies a violent death."

Done. THIS IS THE END, coming out this summer.