My life as a sitcom

How’s this for a “Lucy” moment?

On Saturday I had a busy day planned. The Dodgers were playing a day game and I had to hustle down to the ballpark to prepare for my postgame radio show.

I began grabbing my daily vitamins and gulped them down hurriedly. That’s when I realized – Oh shit! I also took two Advil PM’s – mild sleeping pills.

I barrel down to Dodger Stadium. I figured I had at least a half hour before they would take effect. But just to be safe I kept the windows wide open and played “the Best of Otis Redding” at ghetto blaster levels.

Arrive at the park and head down to the field for the daily Joe Torre managers’ Q & A with the media. A scrum of reporters surround Joe as he sits in the dugout and answers questions. He goes into a lengthy monologue on his philosophy of managing. Really great stuff. Everyone is paying rapt attention – except the guy standing right in front of him. I’m yawning. This does not go unnoticed.

I spot the Dodger trainer and ask him what I should do. First he said, “Read the labels” then suggested I should eat something immediately to help absorb the drug.

Great advice. I hadn’t eaten since last evening. I’ll go up to the press box dining room and wolf down breakfast. Some fruit, and I think those are eggs – I’ll be good as new.

As I step off the field, my broadcast partner Josh stops me. There’s an affiliate luncheon going on. Representatives from all the radio stations that carry Dodger games are assembled in the conference room. We’ve been asked to make an appearance.

Couldn’t we do it next year? Apparently not.

So we trudge up there. It shouldn’t be too bad I tell myself. A brief hello and a beeline to the chow line. Five minutes tops. We arrive and wait while others are still being introduced. I take a chair and the chair feels reeeeeal comfy. Too comfy.

Finally, we’re introduced and asked to say a few words. I get up first – primarily just to keep moving. I forget what I said but it got a big laugh. I hope I didn’t ask if any of them had some spare Benzedrine. Almost home free. A few words from Josh and we were outta there. But then, someone new entered the room.

Tommy Lasorda.

Tommy is a great speaker and he dazzles his audience…for the next HALF HOUR! I feel myself start to momentarily doze off. The only thing that kept me awake was the fear of loudly snoring during his World Series stories.

Eventually, he wraps it up. Josh gives his speech in twelve seconds, and we finally split.

I power down breakfast, drink glass after glass of ice tea. I ask the food service people if they happen to have any Jolt Cola in the back. Alas, they don’t. Nor do they have Red Bull, Mountain Dew, or schnapps.

I go to my seat on press row, starting to feel a little more awake. Then the game begins. The Arizona Diamondback pitcher can’t get the Goddamn ball over the plate. Ball one, ball two, ball three, ball four, ball one, ball two, fouled away, ball three, fouled away, fouled away, ball four, visit from the pitching coach, ball one, ball two, ball three…

Not that baseball is a slam-bam action game anyway but this contest was molasses. I look around and now I see other media members starting to nod off, some from the game, others experiencing the normal food coma after six sausages and seven strips of bacon. I start thinking, what am I going to talk about on my radio show if I nap from innings two through eight?

I decide to gut it out, guzzle ice tea, and wonder if there’s any way to just suck out the caffeine?

Manny Ramirez hits a big three run homer. The crowd goes nuts. That wakes me up a little. Enough.

I’m able to stay awake during my broadcast – something I hope the listeners can do too. Then it’s back home, with Otis Redding blasting so loud you’d think I was a gang member. Since I had dinner plans there was no time for a nap. So I down a Coke, keep my dinner engagement, and practically trip a waiter to get his attention. “Hey, where’s the bread?!”

I make it through dinner. I’m now exhausted. It’s been a long day. I go to bed early. Lay my head on the pillow. Ahhhhhh. And now, finally….

I can’t sleep.

Tomorrow: Something about CHEERS I bet you didn’t know.

Don't buy a mattress without checking with Shelley Long first

When Shelley Long was a struggling actress in Chicago she got a job being the spokesperson for Homemaker's Furniture. And here's the neat thing. Even when she became a big star on CHEERS she still went back and did their local spots. That loyalty and kindness is who Shelley is... along with being amazingly talented.

Here are a couple of those commercials.



This one I think was a few years later.



Oh, she's also a wonderful friend.

Thank God! It's BACK!!!

The new season of INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT premiered last week! This for me is like a new season of THE SOPRANOS or MAD MEN. In case you're not familiar with the reason to own a TV, here is my account of last year's IBP.

In my relentless and noble quest to discover absurd television shows for you, I have found INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT on the Style Network. It’s a reality show where the hosts invade big indoor malls, corral hot looking women, and in three hours they have to compete in a beauty contest for the grand prize of a trip to Mexico. There are three competitions – bathing suits, talent, and evening wear. The contestants are given $300 and three hours to buy everything, including hair and make up. So they become the first five women ever to buy glamorous evening gowns at J. C. Penney’s.

The hosts are Debbie Matenopoulos (pictured, who ten years ago was a 20-something host fired from THE VIEW and today is a 30-something size zero blonde Jillian Barberie wannabe) and Cameron Mathison (best known for performing heartthrob heavy lifting on ALL MY CHILDREN). They’re very high energy and bubbly and should be hosting kids’ birthday parties.

The show begins with them accosting young shoppers at the mall and asking if they’d like to participate. At one point Cameron went up to two equally cute girls and invited one to take part while just dismissing the other. Nice.

One woman’s boyfriend said, “Mexico? I want the damn cash money!”

The five contestants are selected and they each have a “coach” to assist them. It can be a buddy, a boyfriend, mom. The five groups for the Houston competition were:

Sarah (a squat rocker chick with a nose the size of her off-kilter pony tail) and her coach, Jovaney (a flamboyant gay boy sporting an Elvis pompadour and a self proclaimed expert on fashion). Good thing there was no charm competition because Sarah might’ve lost points had the judges overheard: “All I can say to the other girls is get the fuck out of my way!” A real debutante.

Caitlin (a 37 year old mom) and her impossible to remember friend.

Diamond (African-American, pretty) and her coach, an Anthony Anderson lookalike in a bright red shirt you could see from Houston to Galveston.

Shanna (cute Texas girl) and her non-selected friend Rebekka, who was even more attractive than Shanna.

Tiffany (sassy) and her hot looking young mom (who must’ve had Tiff when she was eleven).

For the next three hours these groups race around the mall like idiots. Sarah modeled a bathing suit for Jovaney who said, “I told you to go on that Hollywood Diet.”

Tiffany said, “I’d buy what my mom wanted but I don’t want to look like no whore.”

Diamond was seen shopping for jewelry next to the flip flops display.

Shanna revealed to host Cameron that she was getting over a tragic death in her family. Obviously flustered, he comforted her by saying, “Well, you look beautiful.” Looking for the perfect exit line, he chose: “Thanks for being so honest. That was obviously touching.”

Tears for Diamond as well as she told hostess Debbie that she was named by her grandma who has since passed away. She finally composed herself and said, “I’m crying because grandma is dead… and I only get $300.”

Jovaney (who obviously can’t spell Giovanni) to a store clerk: “Do we get a discount for being beautiful?”

Shanna’s coach thought she should buy some stick on boobs.

Nerves were frayed. Tiffany refused to wear the “booty shorts” her sainted mom suggested. Jovaney said to Sarah, “Did you just get accepted to the hottest fashion school in New York? No. That’s what I thought. I did. So listen to me and win.” Charm girl Sarah retorted with: “Bitch!”

Finally it was showtime. For a crowd of bewildered mall shoppers the five women showed off their bathing suits, gliding down the catwalk with the grace of the Budweiser Clydesdales.

Then it was the talent competition. Diamond did a rap number and was quite good. Shanna performed improv comedy, asking the audience for items to use as props. She put a purse over her head and said, “Hey, where did everybody go?” That was her funniest moment. Sarah belly danced. The highlight was not chewing gum. Tiffany sang “If You’re Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands” (horribly off key), but the best was Caitlin who gave a German lesson (I kid you not).

Then came the evening gown competition, more clomp-clomp-clomping.

37 year old mom, Caitlin (who was absolutely gorgeous, by the way) was worried. Earlier in the show she said, “I’ve always been insecure about my outer beauty. I’m hoping that today will help with some of my confidence. And I’ll be able to accept myself for who I am.”

Caitlin was the first one voted off.

Diamond, the only one with talent was eliminated shortly thereafter.

The winner: Sarah, the stumpy punk girl with the bump on her very ethnic nose.

Tiffany came in second and won a prize too. Two nights in Las Vegas and tickets to see MAMA MIA. Tiffany also learned a Big Life Lesson. In a really heartfelt way she said, “I should listen to my mother more.” (I guess mama knows best when it comes to the whore look.)

INSTANT BEAUTY PAGEANT airs… God knows when on the Style Channel. Just set your tivo. It’s Americana and kitsch at its best. And you’ll learn German.

Why do I write for television?

Friday Question of the Week time. There is one of those meme things going around. Various scribes on the blogosphere are being asked why they wanted to write for television? You know me. I can’t resist a good meme (whatever the hell that means).

My partner David and I started out at a time when television comedy was vastly superior to film, certainly in quantity and variety of styles. This was the early 70’s (1970s not 18) and with the exception of Woody Allen and Mel Brooks movies there was very little hilarity on the silver screen. It was a golden age of cinema with Coppola, Spielberg, Friedkin, Lucas, DePalma, Scorsese, Ashby, Altman, and whoever directed BLACKUA turning out one classic after another. But comedy was relegated to the back seat.

TV was a different story. This was the heyday of ALL IN THE FAMILY, MASH, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, MAUDE, BARNEY MILLER, THE ODD COUPLE, and BRIDGET LOVES BERNIE. We were much more inspired to write for television (especially that last classic.

Plus, when we started we knew NOTHING about writing. I had to buy a TV script just to see what one looked like. So we figured it was probably easier to master 35 pages than 120. And since we’re still trying to master those 35 pages I’d say we were right.

Another thing I like about TV is the immediacy of it. You write something, it gets filmed next month, the following month it’s on the air, ten minutes later it's on HULU, eighteen minutes after that the DVD comes out, and within an hour used copies are available for $ 19 on Amazon. You can serve it while it’s hot. Movies take forevvvvvver… and that’s if you’re even lucky enough to get one in production. We wrote our first draft of VOLUNTEERS in 1980. It came out in 1985.

TV is also a writer’s medium. Film is a director’s. Writers become show runners in TV. They get thrown off the set in movies. TV writers have some control. Movie writers get rewritten by the director and his wife’s slow cousin.

And it used to be that if you wrote a show that aired on a major network, more people would see it, even if it finished dead last in the ratings, than have seen all the live productions of HAMLET put together. But with NBC’s line up that’s no longer true. Still, more people will see a show you write for the Peacock network than have seen all the productions of Joan Rivers’ one-woman show ever staged.

There are certainly plusses for writing screenplays too, and we’ve been fortunate enough to do both. But for some reason we always come back to television. Of course that could also be because they’ve heard of us in television.

Funniest ten seconds of the conventions

Unconventional coverage

Hi there: If you haven't seen the below post about THE SITCOM ROOM, please scroll down. Thanks.Here's another installment from my upcoming memoir on growing up in the fabulous-for-some 60s. It seemed a timely entry.

1964

I’ve always been fascinated by the National Conventions. I am hardly what you’d call a wonk but (a) these political bacchanals were great theater, and (b) there was nothing else on; even ABC pre-empted programming.

At one time there was great drama at these back-slap-fests. You didn’t know who the presidential candidates were going to be until after the conventions, not three months before. Today the only suspense is can you stay awake? But back then it was rollicking good fun – thousands of goofballs in straw hats and bolo ties waving campaign signs and hoping to get the West Virginia delegates into the sack.

For years later it would not be as amusing, but that’s getting ahead of myself.

Each of the three major networks provided their own coverage. Most households had a decided preference for one over the others. We were a CBS family. Uncle Walter Cronkite conveyed trust, reassurance, and objectivity. There was no CBS News “with an attitude”, no “Cronkite Factor”. Just a middle-aged rumpled reporter who looked more like your family doctor than Chad who cleans your pool.

NBC countered with the equally credible “Huntley-Brinkley Report”. Chet Huntley was the stern father with the voice of God. You always expected him to take you out to the back of the barn if you talked during his newscast. David Brinkley was the nerd who made good. Together they developed a large following, rivaling CBS’.

No one watched ABC. When the crown jewel of your primetime schedule is THE PATTY DUKE SHOW, it’s hard to take the news division seriously.

The Democratic Convention was in Atlantic City. Senator Robert Kennedy introduced a short film on his late brother and received a 22-minute standing ovation. Hubert Humphrey was named VP candidate and got the kind of reception reserved for comics on open mic night.

Quick aside: I missed LBJ’s acceptance speech. I was in the Corbin theater watching A HARD DAY’S NIGHT. That was a 90-minute standing ovation, along with continuous shrieking, screaming, and swooning. The crazed girl next to me kept crying out “Paul! Paul! Paul!!” “That’s a screen!” I yelled, finally. “It’s a movie! Paul’s not there! He can’t hear you!” The Beatles were live in Los Angeles on August 23rd. I did not attend the concert. Tickets were expensive ($4.00 apiece!), impossible to get, and mom wasn’t too keen on driving by the Hollywood Bowl and picking me up out front.

The Republicans convened in the aptly named Cow Palace in San Francisco, choosing Barry “what’s the point of having nukes if you don’t use ‘em?” Goldwater as their nominee, and right-wing Bill Miller as his running mate. Ironically, Miller’s daughter is Stephanie Miller, the left-wing talk show host. On the scale of rebellious children, that ranks above the minister's daughter who becomes a whore.

Highlight of that convention was when NBC reporter, John Chancellor was ejected from the main floor. Wearing bulky headphones and an aerial sticking out of the top of his head, he was led away by security thugs on national television. His sign-off was classic: "This is John Chancellor, somewhere in custody."

Announcing another SITCOM ROOM

Not positive of the dates, but I'm trying to schedule the only SITCOM ROOM
of the year for sometime in November, in Los Angeles. (That's my weekend seminar where you actually experience being on a writing staff. Did you see the post below? You'd be doing that (but not as tortuous.)

Anyway, the seminar will be limited to only 20 people so if you want to get all the info as soon as it's available please join the Sitcom Room Alert List. Just click here.

The people on that list get first crack at the 20 spaces. Hope to see you there -- when we determine where there will be and when.

The rewrite night that turned into morning

Here's another sticky writing problem. We had an episode of ALMOST PERFECT where Kim & Mike go off to a resort hotel for a romantic weekend. But she gets sick and hilarity ensues. At least we thought it would. It did not. The table reading was a complete disaster. Nothing worked... and we had some really good food poisoning jokes.

On those rare occasions when that happens we usually just throw out the script and replace it with next week's show. But we had spent a fortune on the hotel set. Two rooms and a hallway had been constructed. And most of our regular sets had been removed to make room.

So this was our task: come up with a whole new story and script, and it must be set in two hotel rooms and a hallway. And it must be completed that night. I'm getting a tic just thinking about it.

What follows is the end result. Much of the credit goes to our amazing staff. Mike & Linda Teverbaugh, Dave Hackel, and Drew Vaupin & Phil Baker. Without them we'd still be on page 4.

One other note: I bet you recognize the actor we hired to play her former boyfriend.

Good news for PRISON BREAK fans!

Dr. Sara Tancredi is back!

Dwindling fans of the show will remember that she was killed and decapitated last season. But the resulting outcry prompted the producers to reconsider. The only slight complication: how to bring her back? Producers of PRISON BREAK have often been accused of absurd storytelling but this time I think they’ve devised an ingenious and completely plausible explanation.

Once Michael & Lincoln escape from the Panamanian prison (they morphed into birds and flew out – another story turn easy to buy), they enter a cantina to have a brew and discover Senor Wences is alive and still performing. He would now be 130 (but I don’t have a problem believing that). In his act he converses with the head in the box and sure enough it’s Dr. Sara!

Michael is overjoyed but now must face his toughest break-out yet. He and his brother must spring Sara from Senor Wences’ ironclad stage trunk. This becomes the 22 episode story arc for season four.

They enlist the inside help of “Johnny” (Wences’s hand) but is he a true friend or foe (two-handed)?

A further complication: “T-Bag” Bagwell suddenly falls in love with Sara, now that she’s just a severed head, his stated preference for women.

And still another thorny problem that will be addressed realistically: Sara hears her biological clock ticking and wants to conceive children.

This season promises to be action-packed with twists and turns even Chekhov would marvel at.

PRISON BREAK premiered Monday night. If you missed it I’m sure it’s available on line. Or you could always just rent BOXING HELENA.

Labor Day in Hollywood

Labor Day marks the unofficial end of summer. In the entertainment business it means this:

The movie industry resumes after three months of vacation. When agents submit spec screenplays there will be executives there to read them. (But only for a couple of weeks. The Toronto Film Festival is days away and they’ll all be gone for that.)

Your agent returns from his-or-her vacation. They rented a villa in Nice for a month and then met up with more successful clients than you, rented a yacht and cruised the Mediterranean, buying some amazing artwork along the way. Your vacation was an August weekend in Tucson.

Sitcoms are back in production. Show three has just filmed and there is no script for show four. It goes into production on Wednesday. Pre-production began right after Memorial Day. What happened to all that lead time???

Showrunners on new shows are being bombarded with notes from nervous networks, studios, non-writing producers, actors, managers, and spouses.

Showrunners on new shows are also making those obligatory calls to the network crying that they’re not getting enough on-air promotion. They’ve seen one promo for their show while ads for STUDIO 60 are still running even though it’s been canceled.

Hour dramas are already way behind schedule. Upcoming scripts are being revised, slashing any scene that can’t be filmed in an hour.

Showrunners on ensemble dramas are receiving those calls from cast members’ managers complaining their clients aren’t getting as much to do as other cast members (whose managers are also complaining).

Network development people are a month into hearing pitches and they’ve heard the same one eleven times already. “What if we went home with the Joker and met his family?”

Writers who spent months preparing their pilot pitches only to be shot down in the first minute now scramble to come up with something else.

Mandy Patinkin walks off whatever project he’s currently on.

Oscar campaigns get sent upstairs for approval.

The Cedars-Sinai cardiac ward is reserving a couple of private rooms. October is just around the corner.

HAPPY LABOR DAY!

The Jerry Lewis Telethon

What would Labor Day be without Jerry? To get you in the mood for this year's telethon, here again are my thoughts on last year's extravaganza.

Okay, I admit it. I unabashedly love the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON. I look forward to it every year…for both the right and wrong reasons.

It does benefit a very worthy cause, the Muscular Dystrophy Association. The videos of the kids are both heartbreaking and inspiring. Let’s hope someday there’s a cure.

But the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON is the absolute height of entertainment cheese, a time warp to a Las Vegas scene that everyone but Jerry realizes has long since passed, and is the home of the most insincere sincerity that only show business can create. The treacle just oozes out of your speakers. Born in the swinging 60s, nurtured by Sammy Davis Jr. (combining over-concern, hipness, gross sentimentality, and jewelry), this style was perfected by Jerry Lewis who added his own special touches. No one could beg with such passion while sticking a cigarette in his ear. No one could deliver a biblical sermon, break down crying, then go into his spastic retard character for comic relief.

The Frech call him Le Roi du Crazy. They still shortchange him. Since his auteur movie days he has developed his own unique and delicious blend of condescension and humility. Every year I know what I’m going to get and am always richly rewarded.

This year Jerry called local New York co-host, Tony Orlando: “Only the best Puerto Rican to ever come to this country.”

Now how can you NOT love this???

Nowhere do superlatives fly like the JERRY LEWIS TELETHON. In only one half hour I caught “infamously wonderful”, “exceptional talent”, “most talented”, “most amazing”, “most exciting”, “unmatched”, “extraordinary”, “a true legend”, and “a treasure in every sense of the word.” On the other hand, Jerry described guest David Cassidy as “that little cocker”. He’s probably right but still!

And of course, hugs for all. Except one. I'll get to that later.

Jerry looked better than in years past – especially that one where he was on steroids and looked like a Macy’s balloon. And his hair is no longer jet black. Finally, at age 80 he’s starting to grey.

I miss the fact that he doesn’t emcee all 21 hours anymore. By hour 16 he used to be slobbering about Dean even when the media director from Safeway markets was trying to hand him a check.

And then there’s Ed McMahon. For sixty years America has been wondering – just what IS this guy’s talent? Say what you will, the man has made a wildly successful career for himself by playing the toady to the host. And we only get to see that obsequiousness one time a year now.

There was also Jann Carl and Tom Bergeron to interview people and pronounce the big words. Jerry is quoted as saying, “They’re GIANTS in their field” and he’s “Proud and humbled” to have them.

Since Jerry and Ed now take the late night hours off, who fills in and emcees? This is not a joke. Puppets!!

In LA we had three crawls going constantly. I’m sure other stations had local storm warnings, sports scores, news headlines, and promos for the new season of JUDGE JUDY so there were as many as six crawls.

The telethon is a throwback to a better Vegas, a classier Vegas – where all performers dressed, dyed their hair, and drank. It was elegance as only the mob could imagine it. There were dinner shows and late night lounge shows, and no gift shops right outside the showrooms. You couldn’t buy Keely Smith t-shirts, Rosemary Clooney refrigerator magnets, or Frank Sinatra lunch pails. But I digress…

Celine Dion recorded a gooey-gram and then sang a pre-taped song from her overblown Vegas show. Dancers were flying all over the place. Dion was raised on a large hydraulic pedestal as she belted out a song she selected just for the occasion. I kid you not, the song she felt most appropriate for the Muscular Dystrophy telethon was called “Drove All Night to Make Love to You”.

Other guests included some fat comic doing alfalfa sprouts jokes (“you call that food?”), a ventriloquist who used Jerry as his dummy, Ace Young, the cast of GREASE, super entertainer Ivanka Trump, John Tesh, Vonzell, Tony Danza, and of course the best Puerto Rican to ever come to this country.

Jerry’s son, Gary performed two songs. In the middle of the second song (a touching teen ballad Gary dedicated to his father called “Everybody Loves a Clown”) Jerry wandered onto the set, stood next to Gary for twelve seconds, obviously felt uncomfortable, and then just left. After the song, nothing. Jerry just moved on to the next thing.

So I guess the only one of Jerry’s kids who wasn’t showered with love and emotion turned out to be his own.

But it's that kind of weirdness that keeps me coming back for more. On the other hand, nothing would please me more than to hear that the telethon has been canceled because a cure has been found. And maybe Jerry could spend next Labor Day fishing with Gary.

Last year's telethon collected $63.7 million dollars. Let's beat it this year.

Happy birthday, Annie

Today’s my daughter’s birthday. Not only is she smart, beautiful, funny, and talented. She’s also sick. Here’s a recent sketch she wrote. Happy birthday, Annie. Your dad loves you.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN: THE MUSICAL


INT. THEATER - NIGHT.

A man in soldier's uniform stands on a stage in front of the
curtain. Note: everything should be as over-the-top as
possible.

RYAN
France during the war is really
depraved.

My name is Ryan and I’m here to be
saved!

The curtain rises, lights go up.

It’s the set of “Saving Private Ryan the Musical.” Really
flamboyant soldiers are singing in front of a set of
Normandy, France.

SOLDIERS
(Singing to the tune of
“Fun, Fun, Fun”)
Well, this evil man named Hitler
Just wanted a pure Aryan nation
And he tried to take over the world
With his administration
So we flew out to France ‘cuz
They’re under German Occupation
So we’ll need
Guns, Guns, Guns
Til we finally blow the Germans
away

CUT TO:
LATER

Private Ryan stands with a French girl. There is fighting
going on in the background.

RYAN
Oh Chloe. I knew from the moment I
saw you that you were the only one
for me. Fate must have brought us
together. I feel like we’ve made
the deepest connection two people
can make. I don’t want to go one
without you.

CHLOE
(Not understanding
anything)
Ummm...Oui?

They embrace.

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIERS
(singing to the tune of
Kokomo)
Omaha
With more dead bodies
Than you ever saw
Things all are tres francois
Down here on Omaha

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIER 1
So let’s get this straight. Even
though we just made it through an
incredibly horrific battle, you
still want us to go look for one
person and inevitably die trying?

MILLER
Umm, yeah pretty much.

SOLDIER 1
Alright, I’m in.

CUT TO:
LATER

SOLDIERS
(singing to the tune of
“Surfin’ Safari”)
C’mon Ryan where could you be?
(searching safari)
All of your brothers are dead. All
three! (searching safari)
Let’s go searching now
Look at all the Germans! Wow!
Search for Private Ryan with me.

CUT TO:
LATER

Ryan and Chloe are about to kiss when:

SOLDIER 1
Here he is guys, I found him!

Other soldiers run is and start grabbing Ryan.

SOLDIERS
(ad lib)
Yay!! We found him! Hurray!

RYAN
What are you guys doing?

SOLDIER 2
We’re saving you!

RYAN
No no. I’m OK.

SOLDIER 2
We have orders to save you.

RYAN
I don’t want to be saved!

CHLOE
Qui sont ces hommes?

RYAN
Uh--une minute--mon amour
(To the soldiers)
Really guys I think I’m fine.
Thanks though.

SOLDIER 1
Well, this sucks.

Suddenly, there is a lot of gun fire. Soldiers start dying
elaborately choreographed deaths. PRIVATE RYAN runs back out.

RYAN
Ok! Ok! I changed my mind. You can
save me.

SOLDIERS
(singing the finale)
So we’ll need
Guns, Guns, Guns
Til we finally blow the Germans
away. Away.

Big freeze. End of the show. Blackout.

Friday questions of the week

As we hurtle into the holiday weekend and the Superbowl of kitsch – the Jerry Lewis telethon, here are some Friday answers to your questions.

What is the biggest difference (if any) between the way you shop a spec script around today and the way you did it when you were starting out?

First of all, there’s paper now, not stone tablets. But semi-seriously, the big difference is that now agents and producers want to see original material in addition to specs from existing shows. This is a big change and a big benefit to you. Producers are looking for original voices, new ideas, novel characters. You’re no longer just hemmed in by the rules of RULES OF ENGAGEMENT (although you have to show you can do that too).

You also don't have to be categorized anymore as just a comedy or drama writer. You can write specs for shows like UGLY BETTY, PSYCH, and MONK that contain both.

I would say this about new material, though. Don't make it too weird. There's a fine line between original and completely insane. Don't submit the play where the audience is expected to build a house while the actors perform in clown make-up and only speak excerpts from Hillary Clinton speeches.

Have you seen the movie The TV Set? (It's about a TV writer/creator whose dream project is turned to dreck by compromises with the studio.) And if so, how much of it rings true and how much seems exaggerated?

I have seen it. Liked it but wasn’t knocked out. It rings true at the core – ideas get distorted, you’re asked to compromise every minute – but the TV SET was so over-the-top that I felt it undercut its message.

Even the most monstrous network executive is not as relentlessly overbearing as Sigorney Weaver was in this movie. She was such a caricature that her menace had no teeth. Trust me, real network execs can be both funny and terrifying without having to exaggerate to the moon.

There were also four or five times when I thought, no writer/producer would stand for that. David Duchovny would walk in five seconds.

And the episode where the actor goes off in his own direction while the cameras are running – here’s what would really happen: The writer/producer would take him aside and say, “Hey motherfucker, if you EVER do anything like that again, I will fire you on the spot and beat the shit out of you.” Or he would just start swinging first.

As for the director, there is always a tone meeting before the shoot where the writer/producer tells him how he wants it shot. And remember, the writer/producer hires the director. He’s going to select someone he feels can best execute his vision.

If you watch the movie and just know this is the gist of what happens and laugh at the jokes you should have a good time with it. But it’s not as deliciously horrific and hilarious as it could have been. As always -- real is better.

Drive carefully this weekend.

Fall Movie Preview, Part III

Here are the rest of the Fall releases. Actually, that's not true. There are more but my head's about to explode.

QUANTUM OF SOLACE – Daniel Craig, the best James Bond since Woody Allen is back! Why he wants to continue saving the world when he can have Pussy Galore is beyond me.

SYNECDOCHE, NEW YORK – Charlie Kaufman writes and (for the first time) directs. Should be weird, original, play to sellout crowds in LA and NY and one art house in Kansas.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED – On the other hand, here’s the 8,535,834th send-up of Hollywood. Robert De Niro as a producer making a movie and contending with (hold onto your hats) difficult actors, directors, and the studio. But it will be the first time the movie and the making-of-the-movie documentary will be the same.

HOW TO LOSE FRIENDS & ALIENATE PEOPLE – Simon Pegg from HOT FUZZ pisses off everyone in New York. Not to be confused with the Isiah Thomas Story.

BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA – The events in Germany that led to the emergence of Adolph Hitler.

THE EXPRESS – The first African-American to win a Heisman Trophy. How did Spike Lee miss this one?

REVOLUTIONARY ROAD – Leo DiCaprio & Kate Winslet make love again without a thousand people drowning.

CITY OF EMBER – Bill Murray in a fantasy world. Science fiction adventure not a movie where Murray is the romantic lead.

PASSENGERS –Anne Hathaway as a grief counselor to plane-crash survivors. Sample dialogue: “Okay, let me get this straight. There’s a polar bear on the island? And a hatch? What hatch?”

FLASH OF GENIUS – Greg Kinnear invents the intermittent windshield wiper. Goes into severe depression when he loses Nobel Prize to the inventor of the artificial heart.

FOUR CHRISTMASES -- Reese Witherspoon and Vince Vaughn. MEET THE PARENTS times four. What's Christmas without a high concept lift from another franchise?

REPOL THE GENETIC OPERA – Sci Fi musical comedy starring Paris Hilton. Probably not as good as it sounds.

MARLEY & ME – Two of my favorite writers – Scott Frank & Don Roos, so I’ve got my fingers crossed. Based on the book about the lovable dog, it stars Owen Wilson.

DOUBT – John Patrick Shanley adapts and directs his riveting play about a Catholic School scandal. Beautifully written but possibly a tad goyish.

TWILIGHT – All the kids who read Harry Potter are now older and reading the Twilight series. Teen love is tested when one is a vampire.

FROST/NIXON – The TV interview that became a play now becomes a movie and soon will become a thrill ride.

SEVEN POUNDS – Will Smith’s latest desperate bid for an Oscar. The title refers to the weight of the statuette.

YES MAN – Jim Carrey. No thank you.

Fall Movie Preview, Part II

For your popcorn pleasure:

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO – I can’t tell from that ambiguous title what it’s about. Kevin Smith movie. I have high hopes. At least it’s not JAY AND SILENT BOB MAKE A PORNO.

LAKEVIEW TERRACE – Samuel L. Jackson terrorizes his new neighbor. If you hear him say, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men” move! Fast!

THE SOLOIST – Jamie Foxx as a musical prodigy homeless schizophrenic. Not that he’s trolling for another Oscar but his billing is “For Your Consideration, Jamie Foxx”.

MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL – Dane Cook so avoid as you would any toxic material.

BATTLE IN SEATTLE – Relive those crazy riots that broke out at the 1999 World Trade Organization meeting. Something about Starbucks charging for WiFi.

CHANGELING – directed by Clint Eastwood so I’m in line the first day. I think it’s a drama. Whatever. When’s the first showing?

PING PONG PLAYA – Hollywood is always looking for the next great Ping Pong movie.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL – Keanu Reeves plays an alien. Type casting.

BURN AFTER READING – The Coen Brothers are back with an offbeat (big surprise there) comedy. I have high hopes. MICHAEL CLAYTON stars George Clooney and Tilda Swinton are among the heavyweight cast. Apparently, after the shoot George said to her, “Well, maybe one day we’ll get to make a film together when we say one nice thing to each other.”

THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES – Don’t panic. Jerry Seinfeld is nowhere to be found.

QUARANTINE – Horror movie centered in an L.A. apartment building that doesn’t offer cable.

ROCKNROLLA – Another Guy Richie stylized London caper for you to see and go “Huh???”

FILTH AND WISDOM – Meanwhile, the little missus, Madonna makes her directorial debut. Loose adaptation of The Kabbalah – three scheming roommates.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON – Brad Pitt as a man with a bizarre condition that causes him to age in reverse. Could be stunning or an adventure in bad make up.

W. – Oliver Stone, the man who kills flies by shooting bazookas, tackles George Bush with I’m sure his usual light touch.

MAX PAYNE – The video game comes to the screen. Will audiences respond without joysticks?

The Preview wraps up tomorrow.

Fall Movie Preview, Part I

The summer blockbusters have all come and gone. Eddie Murphy and Kevin Costner have destroyed their careers. Batman, Iron Man, and Hellboy have all bolstered theirs. Now Hollywood turns from saving the world to more important matters like winning awards. Here is my annual Fall Movie Preview. As always, these are just my opinions based on not having seen a single one of these films. Not that that should stop me.

RIGHTEOUS KILL – Robert De Niro and Al Pacino together again as two cops. Scenes where they’re both on the screen at the same time had to be shot in Imax format in order to contain their performances.

THE DUCHESS – Keira Knightley costume drama. The true story of the Duchess of Devonshire’s stormy marriage to the Duke of Earl.

APPALOOSA – Ed Harris writes/directs/stars in this western. Co-starring Viggo Mortensen, Renee Zellweger, and Mr. Ed.

MIRACLE AT ST. ANNA – Spike Lee, World War II. Guess. Brothers kick some Nazi ass!

BODY OF LIES – The trailer just announces “DiCaprio” and “Crowe”, which is all you need because everybody knows Leo DiCaprio and Louisiana State Senator A.G. Crowe.

EAGLE EYE – Shia LeBeouf and Michelle Monaghan are tormented by someone on their cellphones who assumes control of their lives. It’s the nightmare we AT&T customers live with every day. Story by Steven Spielberg. I always wonder why, if it was such a great idea. he didn’t direct it himself.

TYLER PERRY’S THE FAMILY THAT PREYS – Who cares what it’s about? It’s Tyler Perry. Should gross $200 million the first weekend.

NICK & NORAH’S INFINITE PLAYLIST – No, it’s not another THIN MAN movie. Two teens have a wild night. Starring Michael Cera (JUNO, ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT) and the pictured Kat Dennings (SNOBS, a Levine/Isaacs failed pilot).

GHOST TOWN – Ricky Gervais goes Hollywood High Concept. He can see ghosts. He has to break up a marriage for some concocted reason. Not sure if he took this assignment because he really loved the script or a house opened up in the Malibu Colony.

HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL 3 -- Dear God!

SAW 5 – If Shawnee Smith took a chainsaw to the High School Musical kids, that I’d pay to see.

MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA – It’s a sequel. It’s from the studio that made SHREK. Expect MADAGASCAR: THE MUSICAL to hit Broadway the week the DVD is released.

RACHEL GETTING MARRIED – Anne Hathaway in her most challenging role since GET SMART. She plays a recovering drug addict who attends her sister’s wedding and causes an uproar when she claims the chopped liver swan is alive.

THE WOMEN – Writer/director Diane English tells me every week at the gym that it’s good. SEX AND THE CITY without the sex, MAMA MIA! without the music. I guess what you’re left with is, well...“the Women”.

BLINDNESS – In the land of the blind the one eyed man is Julianne Moore. Based on Nobel winner Jose Saramago’s novel about a society where no one can see. Sure. Now you want to pay for satellite radio.

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE – Richard Gere & Diane Lane in a midlife crisis weeper. This is their third film together. “Everybody got excited about the chemistry we have”, says Lane. They played a husband and wife in UNFAITHFUL and audiences cheered when she cheated on him. Not sure about that chemistry thing.

AUSTRALIA – Sweeping epic starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, neither of whom had to apply for work visas. Cattle ranching saga. Explains why rib-eye prices are up at the Outback Steakhouse.

THE ROAD – from the Pulitzer Prize winning novel of the same name. Viggo Mortensen in touching father-son movie that Hollywood studios thought was too dark and grim. Producers were unwilling to compromise and add Abba songs.

BOLT – CG-animated version of THE TRUMAN SHOW with animals. James Lipton does a voice. Sample dialogue: “What is your favorite swear bark?”

Part II tomorrow.

Michael Phelps replaces the peacock as new symbol of NBC

NBC knows a good thing when it swims past them. Taking advantage of Olympic Golden (Medal) boy, Michael Phelps, they’ve struck a deal to carry the 2009 World Swimming Championships and the U.S. National Swimming Championships for the next three years.

But that’s just the start.

Although it hasn’t been announced yet….

Michael Phelps has also signed to star in the spinoff of THE OFFICE. Tentative title: THE OFFICE POOL.

And he will recur on 30 ROCK as Liz Lemon’s new shirtless assistant.

Phelps also will be the underwater correspondent on SNL’s Weekend Update, the new host of THE BIGGEST LOSER: FAMILIES, and KATH & KIM will now become KATH & KIM & MIKE.

Additionally, he's the voice of the car on KNIGHT RIDER.

Schedule permitting he’ll be filling in for Ann Curry on TODAY and will hold briefcase number 8 on DEAL OR NO DEAL.

And finally, SUNDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL will have a new co-host for their halftime show (because they only have nine already).

You laugh and say, how could Michael Phelps do all these things? Even Ryan Seacrest doesn’t have that much of a workload. Regis used to but had a heart attack. You’re right. It’s super human. Which is why Phelps will also be joining the cast of HEROES as the guy who can be in nine places at one time.

Five years from now he’ll be performing four shows daily at SEA WORLD, Florida, second on the bill to Shamu.

I love this town.

Tomorrow: My Fall Movie Preview. Don't pre-order your tickets just yet.

What actors hate (besides other actors)

As mentioned in this space before, writers need to remember that actors perform their material. And there are certain things actors hate. As a public service, when writing your script, here are some of those traps that will make for unhappy actors and by extension, an unhappy you.

Actors hate having to give exposition. It’s dry, it’s informational, it’s not fun. Unfortunately, SOMEONE has deliver the exposition. The trick is to spread it around, find ways to hide it, and make it entertaining. Necessary information woven into a joke is a great solution. Exposition itself is a great topic for a later post.

Actors don’t like just asking questions in a scene. They didn’t spend four years finding their “inner center”, “emotional truth triggers” and portraying ice cream cones just to ask questions. But sometimes there is a great temptation to do that. Actor “A” knows all this information, Actor “B” needs to know it. In real life, it’s a simple conversation of Q&A. Not in actor-life. Massage the scene so that Actor “B” has some jokes or comments, or Actor “A” shares information without being prompted.

Similarly, actors don’t like just doing set-ups for other actors’ jokes. Bud Abbott is dead. Spread around the wealth. The tough thing here is knowing Actor “A” is funny and Actor “B” is a lox. Still, you have to throw him a bone or two. Or work in some jokes in the set ups themselves. Or re-cast.

Here’s a common rookie mistake: Having an actor in a scene and not giving him a line for a page or two…or four. If he’s in the scene he needs to have a purpose and needs to be a participant. If he has no purpose, find a way to get his ass out of there. You’d think actors want as much screen time as possible but they would MUCH rather be out of a scene than be a piece of furniture in it.

Here’s a biggie: parentheticals – those little bracketed indicators that suggest the intent of the line. Most actors are irritated, even offended by them. They feel it’s their job to discover the intent. And they like the freedom to interpret the lines as they choose. That’s fine to a point. I still use this device, albeit sparingly (same with underlining specific words I want stressed) because first and foremost I want my scene to be interpreted correctly. But like I said, I am very judicious. I never indicate (angry), (sad), or (jaundiced but insouciant).

That said, you’re probably writing your script to be READ not PERFORMED (actors hate capitol letters too.) So in the interest of having a reader better understand your script and maybe buying it, you can sprinkle in a few more parentheticals. (warning) But don’t go crazy.

Actors balk at thankless roles. The best friend, the harpy-wet blanket (see any ABC comedy wife except Rosanne), the “Ralph Bellamy” boring third guy in a triangle soon to be dumped (Ralph Bellamy -- pictured above -- played this role in HIS GIRL FRIDAY and 297 other movies), and any role played by Emily Mortimer. Find a way to make these characters interesting, complex, or maybe let Ralph Bellamy get the girl.

Long speeches: Actors like ‘em and hate ‘em. They like having a big juicy emotional speech and they hate having to memorize them. Forget that human beings don’t normally speak in long speeches, if you want to give a character a big speech, fine. Don’t give him six. And give him spots to breathe.

Actors protect their characters, as well they should. Writers sometimes have the tendency to sacrifice their characters’ integrity for the sake of a big joke. I gotta side with actors on this one. Once you’ve sacrificed a character you can’t go back. Find another joke.

And finally, most actors don’t want to be seen in an unflattering light. They may voice their objections in gobs of Byzantine actor-speech, but trust me, the real issue is they don’t want to look weak, or mean, or playing the girlfriend of the Elephant Man. They can have flaws but within reason. What you need to do here is either give the characters interesting shadings, multi-dimensions (not always weak, not always giving dogs caramels to eat) or make the parts so meaty that actors suddenly would kill to play them. Villains, in particular, can be delicious, despite how hateful and cruel they are. Is there a more fun character than J.R. Ewing? Or Simon Cowell? Or my favorite champagne villain, Alan Rickman in DIE HARD?

By making a concerted effort to accommodate the actors’ needs (and most of these are just good general writing tips) you stand a much better chance that the actors will embrace your script and even add to it. Their wardrobe and make up issues? That’s someone else’s problem.

The summer of love and subsequent penicillin

Hey, all you hippies, flower children, boomers, war babies, far out dudes, middle agers, and anybody who loves great music.

GREAT BIG RADIO begins a week long tribute to 1967 starting tonight at midnight.

All the hits and a bunch of stiffs you remember fondly will be heard. See if your favorites still hold up now that you're not stoned. Did you really like Nancy Sinatra?

Also, sometime this week -- the Monterrey Pop Festival in its entirety.

So check it out. Right here. GREAT BIG RADIO.

Right on, man!

Hey, let's get up a game of beach volleyball!

One of the most bizarre events in the Olympics is indoor beach volleyball.
They don't have real outdoor beaches in China? Well, it turns out they do. Lovely beaches.But then BAYWATCH premiered in China. Things changed.
God, I feel sorry for the three lifeguards.