Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Diss 'n dat 5

Will someone tell Melissa from AMERICAN IDOL to please cover up her midriff? No one likes to look at that muffin top.

Judging by the even MORE goofy way Paula has been acting lately I wonder if that red Coke glass in front of her is filled with an “adult beverage”. And then refilled every commercial break.

Lost in all the Oscar hoopla is the fact that Paul Haggis has won the best screenplay award for two years running now on SPEC SCRIPTS. It can happen. See ya at Starbucks.

So Barry Bonds has been taking every steroid known to man. Big surprise. Didn’t you notice his head had gotten so big that the only helmet that could fit it is the one on the little bullpen car?

Barry had previously agreed to be the subject of a new ESPN reality show, following him around this season. It’s going to be much more fun now. BEING BONDSADUCE.

I’m still mourning Edgar from 24. Unless you’re an actor with a “co-executive producer” credit in front of your name don’t buy a house. The good news from a writer/producer perspective is that I bet actors don’t say “boo” when they get their weekly scripts. The words “I don’t know if my character would say that” have never been uttered on the 24 stage. And I wouldn’t raise much of a ruckus on LOST either.

More terrifying than the threat of nerve gas killing millions of people on 24 is the possibility of a romance between First Lady Martha and Secret Agent Pierce. ICK!!!!!!! Please Agent Pierce, save it for Kim.

Great acting by Kim (Elisha Cuthbert) by the way. When told her father was alive she reacted to this momentous news by just standing there with a blank mongoloid expression, as if waiting for the director to yell “Action”.

Have you noticed that all the new pilots are being cast with recycled TV stars? Oh boy. Justine Bateman, Greg Germann, Jonathon Silverman. They’re back!! Give me the fresh faces. Give me Chloe on 24, those workers on THE OFFICE. Maybe one of the reasons people are so attracted to reality shows is that Paula Marshall isn’t on any of them.

The only reason CRASH won is because they sent out DVD’s to every member of practically every Hollywood union. I think I got three of them. So next year all you studios would be wise to send out those DVD’s to all of us. Even if you think a movie is marginal, play it safe, send a copy to me.

How starved for baseball am I? I drove around yesterday listening to the Venezuela/Dominican Republic game. Since they waited for me to get in the car before starting I’m guessing they’re not drawing a big audience.

Why are the producers of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN so upset? Sure they lost the Oscar but they did win the even more prestigious Golden Globe.

Thanks to Mark from and Howard from for the shout outs. Welcome new readers. I hope you'll stick around.


Anonymous said...

Agent Pierce for President!

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know, Ken, that we miss you here in Seattle. Mariners broadcasts haven't been quite as entertaining since you left. And your classic home run call ("It's outta here! Wait...") still makes me smile. Enjoy hearing from you. And always order that chicken fried steak medium rare.

By Ken Levine said...

Thank you, Chuck. I miss being there. Great city and super great announcer in Dave Niehaus. Go Mariners.

Nate said...

Hey Ken, I'm a new reader and love your blog - the frequency of your posts is great. Just wanted to make a small correction, though. Haggis didn't win the Oscar last year for Million Dollar Baby - he was beat out by Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor for Sideways in the best adapted screenplay category (and Eternal Sunshine won best original screenplay)

Anonymous said...

Aaargh, spoilers much ! First time i've had cause to curse your name, Ken.

(We're about 3 weeks behind on 24 in the UK ;)

Anonymous said...

Million Dollar Baby was based on the boxing short stories by FX Toole (great name). Does that still count as a spec?

Poor Edgar. I laughed my ass off when JB kneecapped Robocop's wife - he is still the man.

Anonymous said...

Ang Lee was especially unclassy about the Oscar thing. As he was holding his Best Director Oscar in his hand, he was whining to the E! lady about how shocking and silly it was that he didn't get Best Picture. The classy thing to do would have been to give CRASH a little credit for being good, whether you believe it or not.

eboydowen said...

"The classy thing to do would have been to give CRASH a little credit for being good, whether you believe it or not."

I don't.

Capote wuz robbed.

Anonymous said...

Haggis was also responsable for the worst last years of FACTS OF LIFE.

So it is possible to suck really bad, then to not suck later, which is encouraging.

Anonymous said...

Haggis didn't win a screenplay Oscar two years in a row. He was nominated for Million Dollar Baby in 2005, but the Oscar went to Alexander Payne and Jim Taylor for Sideways.