Thursday, May 25, 2006

American Idol Finale review

I can’t imagine watching the AMERICAN IDOL finale without Tivo. That would be like having cavities filled without Novocain. 1:58:30 of fill and then the big announcement that everyone in the world expected.

Of course Taylor Hicks won. He’s goofy, slightly addled, has grey hair, and can be a complete embarrassment. It worked for our President.

“Soul Patrol! Whooo!” “Iraq Attack! Whoooo!”

If Clay isn’t gay why is he looking more and more like Peggy Fleming? What’s with the bob?

I hate Paris Bennett. Like I once said, her future will be playing Gary Coleman in the road company of AVENUE Q.

Kathryn looked petrified singing with Meatloaf. It’s hard to do a duet with a man you think is Hannibal Lector.

PUCK & PICKLER – The genius of Kellie Pickler is that she IS that stupid. Why isn’t she co-hosting THE VIEW?

And Kellie is a Mensa member compared to Paula.

The “I am Woman” medley was missing something. I know. Clay.

I loved that they did a tribute to Burt Bacharach. But they never once mentioned his lyricists, notably Hal David. I mean, the man did write “What’s new pussycat? Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh”.

Dionne Warwicke has had a LOT of work done. At one time she used to sing from her diaphragm. Now she sings from her throat…because that’s where her diaphragm is.

Wouldn’t you love it if the song Chris sang in the Bacharach medley was “the Blob”?

Elliott did a great job with “House is not a home”. Not easy because it’s an idiotic song. “A chair is still a chair, even when there’s no one sitting there”. Hard to sing that with sincerity if you have an IQ higher than Kellie’s. (Again, a tip of the hat to lyricist Had David.)

Prince now looks like a Dionne Warwicke impersonator. (I bet Ryan Seacrest asked him backstage for the name of his plastic surgeon.) Face work and hair dye won’t fool anybody. He partied like he was 99.

Tamayra Gray was really put out to pasture. Reporting only once from the Kathryn McPhee rally of seventeen people with four homemade posters.

Where was Rubin Studdard and Fantasia? They couldn’t take one night off from singing the National Anthem at the Toledo Mud Hen game to come on the show?

Mandissa should have stayed in the competition longer. Or even won.

64.4 million votes they said. More than has ever voted for an President. But in AMERICAN IDOL’S case (and George Bush’s) people were allowed to vote more than once.

Whenever they cut away to a Fox star I automatically said “who??”

Thank you, Ace for not going into your icky falsetto. He wanted to. While singing “If you get caught between the moon and New York City” he almost involuntarily blurted out “Sherry, Sherry baby!”

At least Paul Anka wasn’t on the show. Although for a moment I thought he was. Turned out it was just that girl with the ungodly tan.

Highlight of the show was Kathryn singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. If Clay wasn’t gay before that performance put him over the top. It was so moving Ace has come out of the closet.

Highlight #2: Crazy Dave falling off the stage. Only thing that spoiled it was that he wasn’t knocked unconscious.

What was that Carrie Underwood song? “Jesus has car jacked my Jeep?”

Start filling those stadiums, kids. Open auditions for AMERICAN IDOL 6 begin in just a couple of months. Start dying your hair grey and choking on escargot.


Tom Quigley said...

Speaking of coming out: David Hasselhoff's crying jag when Taylor was announced... David, during all those years of BAYWATCH, was it the Playmates you cast as lifeguards, or the real lifeguard, Newman -- the guy who looked like a stork chasing his dinner when he jumped into the waves -- that you wanted?

Tom Quigley said...

Meant to add -- What are the odds that in a couple of years, Taylor's career choices have boiled down to two options? (1) A nightly "Soul Patrol" musical revue at Bally's on the Strip, and (2) Doing SUV commercials for the new, fuel-efficient Kia Sorento....

M. Weinstein said...

Fun blog. I stopped watching after catching some performances that would make Paul Anka pro-choice (had he been there).

Mary Stella said...

Somewhere, a family mourns the death of their guinea pig. Small solace not that their beloved pet appeared on the AI finale, sprawled on top of Clay's head.

Will Teullive said...

Taylor Hicks.. You are a talented guy and good luck to ya’. One question though. How did you manage to look older than Keith Richards when you are only 29?

Keith has decades of self-abuse to blame. After 10 years of pop fame can we expect Taylor to resemble Andy Rooney?

VP19 said...

Open auditions for AMERICAN IDOL 6 begin in just a couple of months. Start dying your hair grey and choking on escargot.

And develop that Southern accent, too. Like NASCAR, it's a regional obsession gone national, although here it developed in the opposite direction.