Tuesday, October 03, 2006

Who's who on LOST

LOST is my favorite show. In preparation for Wednesday night’s season premiere, here are the handy character sketches you’ll need to be up to speed and fully enjoy the show.


JACK (Matthew Fox) – Handsome doctor who’s the unofficial leader of the castaways. You know that because his name is Jack. All alpha male drama stars are named Jack. God forbid an action hero is named Percy. Is hot for Kate. Still asks for insurance before providing medical aid.

KATE (Evangeline Lilly) – When not murdering people is charming and sexy. Gets caught in nets a lot. I love that about her. Every guy lusts for her even though they know she’s a homicidal fugitive. But, as Mel Gibson would say, “as long as she’s not Jewish.”

JOHN (Terry O’Quinn) – Believes everything is for a reason. Puts him in conflict with Jack who believes the actors are just making the stuff up. Father duped him out of a kidney. Caused a rift. Miraculously able to walk once on the island. Had he claimed it was Scientology would have been shot.

CHARLIE (Dominic Monaghan) – One hit wonder UK rock star. If rescued, the first thing he will do is fire his agent for this gig. Is drug addict. Known to snort trees and bushes. Loves new mother Claire. Nicknamed her baby “Turnip Head”. Doesn’t realize it’s a nickname.

CLAIRE (Emilie de Ravin) – Kidnapped and escaped while pregnant. Suspects captors did alien probe type tests on her. Abductors could get an extra five years tacked onto their sentence for that.

HURLEY (Jorge Garcia) – Been through this before. Survived the cancellation of BECKER. Won a $156 million lottery and has been cursed ever since. Until he won he didn’t realize he was 200 pounds overweight. Vocabulary includes, “Dude” and…well actually, that’s it.

MICHAEL (Harold Perrineau) – African-American. In order to get his kidnapped son back he shot two series regulars. But they were only season two regulars so he’s still considered an okay guy.

WALT (Malcolm David Kelley) – Nine year old son of Michael. Mystic powers. Conjured up a polar bear on the island. Grounded two weeks for that.

SAYID (Naveen Andrews) – Terrorist with heart of gold. Tortured people before it became non PC.

SAWYER (Josh Holloway) – Handsome bad boy. The guy all girls desire until they realize he’s terrible for them and marries an accountant named Percy instead.

JIN-SOON (Daniel Dae Kim) – Korean. Married to Sun. Went into her father’s business as thug. She doesn’t know her Dad is in Asian mafia. Horse head in bed was explained away as fraternity prank. Only speaks in sub-titles.

SUN (Yunjin Kim) Married to Jin-Soon. Learned English by watching MASH. Pregnant but husband is impotent. Someone’s in for a shock during May sweeps. Actually, two people.

MR. EKO (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbale) – African African. Spiritual, mysterious, strong as hell. In another life the Indian in CUCKOO’S NEST or James Bond’s guide in DR. NO.


Unknown said...

Very cool. Lost kind of reminds me of the story I'm trying to tell over in THE NEW ADVENTURES OF BATTLE BOY. You can find weekly episodes over at www.TNAOBB.blogspot.com

Anonymous said...

You got a little caught up in your PC-ness. Mr. Eko is actually not African American, which makes me wonder what black guys call themselves in Africa. African Africans? Regardless he's the coolest badass on TV. SPOILER - Lost is actually another Bob Newhart dream!

By Ken Levine said...

Thanks for the catch on Mr. E.

Alex Epstein said...

Africans in Africa call themselves Tutsis and Hutus and Xhosa and Zulu and Yoruba and Khoi and so on. And Boer.

Anonymous said...

More PC alerts. Sayid is a terrorist? Sure he joined with some, but he was working for the CIA or something.

Anonymous said...

"but he was working for the CIA or something."

Probably so was Osama, but he's still a terrorist.

Anonymous said...

Sayid wasn't a terrorist. He was a Iraqi governement torturer, who later did some outsourced torture for the USA.
And torture isn't becoming non-PC, it's the other way around. It used to be frowned on, but now the Bush administration is trying to make torture PC.
But funny piece. I doubt we'll be seeing Michael & Walt this season, but I could sure be wrong.

Anonymous said...

Ken..I've never related to LOST whatsoever. All I can say is that they CAN'T be in a earthly dimension. I mean, even if the GPS tracking in the flight recorders wasn't working...an ocean going jetliner that crashes, yet leaves THAT many people with little or no injury, MUST still be in pieces big enough for a search plane to spot.

Joshua James said...

Now that Michael's gone, who's going to announce with great urgency "He's my SON!" every ten minutes or son.

I mean, this is a dramatic departure from the first two seasons (have you seen my son? HE'S MY SON!) and I find it difficult to imagine what it's going to be like (damn it, don't you understand, man, HE'S MY SON, I HAVE TO FIND MY SON!) to have a whole scene without Michael interjecting in between the various "dudes" and polar bears about how this kid he has barely spoken to in ten years (what do you know, man, don't you get it? HE'S MY SON! MY SON! WALT!!!)

Personally, putting the two of them on a boat heading out was the best thing (MY SON, MY SON, I'VE GOT MY SON BACK, DON'T YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND? HE'S MY SON!) to happen to the show since the polar bear attacks.

scribosphere said...

Lost is good, and so is this blog.

You're added in the Scribosphere.

Warren Fleece said...

Wednesdays at 8? Isn't that where NBC is sticking "30 Rock". Ouch.

Here's a UTube link to a 30 Rock scene. Looks funnier than Studio 60 right off the mark.


matt said...

I don't know why Charlie is still on this show. He ran out of story a long time ago.

Matter-Eater Lad said...

After Locke knocked Charlie around at the end of an episode last season, I thought that would be a good way to end every episode, only with a different character doing it each week. It would also be a good way to get the audience to like any new characters: "Martha, I'm not really sure about this new guy who's apparently been on the island all this time but that we've never seen...Hey! He's beating up Charlie! Guess he's not a bad feller after all!"

knxdave said...

Why isn't Hurley losing any weight?

Beth Ciotta said...

I don't watch a lot of TV (ducks flying vegetables), but I am addicted to LOST. I watched the whole first season on DVD, no commercials, which was especially great regarding the tension aspect. I'm just getting ready to devour the second season on DVD and, as much as I'm dying to see tonight's season premiere, I just can't! Have to watch season two first! Of course, that doesn't mean I won't be back here tomorrow reading your thoughts on the opener, Ken. ;)

Jim Walsh said...

Caught the first few minutes of the season premiere tonight. It opened promisingly enough, with the beginning of a back story involving one of the Others.

No matter - after the opening credits, I tuned out. I have completely lost interest in the show.

Anonymous said...

"Had he claimed it was Scientology would have been shot."

...and rightfully so.