Sunday, November 19, 2006

Thanksgiving travel tips

The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here are some travel tips:

Leave for the airport NOW. Especially if your flight is on Wednesday.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an ear ache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.

Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Three words of advice if you’re driving a long distance: XM satellite radio. Especially if you’re crossing Texas and want to listen to Air America.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

There are NO bargains in the Sky Mall magazine.

When you’re stuck in St. Louis and all flights are grounded (and trust me, you WILL be), grab lunch at Mike Shannon’s.

If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never sit next to anyone whose already eating or reading Ann Coulter.

Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember – the parade is on TV. And it’s the same balloons as last year. The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last year, COMMITTED won’t be there.

Never pay to see an in-flight movie starring Debra Messing.

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.


Anonymous said...

Very funny! I've tried to convince my girlfriend not to check any luggage, but she needs her hairdryer and dresses based upon mood. I'll have to try the duct tape thing.

So how is finding parking at Lax on the Monday before Thanksgiving? Should I be worried if I haven't made reservations yet?

Diane said...

just remember the key words to listen for at every airport bar - "would you like to make it a double for a dollar more?" I think it's now gone to 2 dollars, but still worth every penny

Anonymous said...

Love your politics suck!

Sean Carter said...

These are some useful tips you've posted....i'm sure these will be very helpful....and i'll definitely hare with all my blogger buddies....and hey also visit my Thanksgiving Blog sometime and check out all the cool info I've posted there...visit soon and have a great Thanksgiving!!!!

Warren Fleece said...

Celebrate the Canadian thanksgiving instead! 2nd Monday in October, no waiting.

That's Canada: better football, better thanksgiving.

Anonymous said...

I'm only driving two hours to my Thanksgiving feast with the relatives.

With a seven-month old.

Piece of cake, really.

O/T: Found this very funny parody of S60 at Television Without Pity.

The Curmudgeon said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Curmudgeon said...

"You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else."

Why? As long as they sit somewhere else, I've won, haven't I?

EditThis said...

I agree with the curmudgeon. I usually grab the seat first, and then try to outglare everyone who walks by so I can sit by myself.

Joel said...

Nice tips, Ken. How 'bout this one:

If you're one one of those small jets, pick the side of the plane that only has one seat. That way you get a window and an aisle seat at the same time. It also means you can go to the bathroom as much as you want without bothering anyone. The stooping-induced crick in your neck (if you're over 5'8") is worth it.

Scribe LA said...

Nice tips as usua, Ken. Planes Trains and Automobiles is one of my all-time favorite movies. And it's still as funny if not funnier than it was back in the day. In fact, I'd say the flick is a classic example of how a comedy should age, n'est pas?
Happy Turkey Day.

Anonymous said...

Your BLOGS are very nice and all the stapes also well.
But i also give a segation-

Anonymous said...

Ken's XM Radio tip is money! Lord help you if you find yourself driving through Dallas and you land on WBAP. Nothing but Rush sycophants like Mark Davis. Talk about getting road-rage... sheesh!

And no offense, but why do some people call Thanksgiving "Turkey Day"???

I mean, what do they call Halloween? Candy Day?

Anonymous said...

There is too such a thing as Flinstones Valium, it's called Dramamine Chewable.

Anonymous said...

I must have done something really good in a past life since I flew from and to O'Hare with well-behaved children, checked baggage and nothing went wrong! It's makes me fearful for Christmas. I'm afraid I've used up all of my travel karma...

Anonymous said...

Traveling is great: new places, new people, new traditions. But nowadays it is getting difficult to travel because of the safety measures. Everyone needs to pass a clearance check before getting visa. I’ve heard that the British Embassy requires fingerprints scanned before issuing visas. This is good for the security, but I bet this will make difficulties for travelers.

Anonymous said...

Hi! I see you like to travel too. Don't you want to leave your contacts at my site ?

Anonymous said...

Here is a handy tool for the holiday.

GasDandy is an easy-to-use tool that tracks a vehicle’s mileage and maintenance information, providing data that can be used for both business and personal purposes. By making these figures readily available, the program also gives the consumer the opportunity to save money and to proactively identify problems that can shorten the life of their vehicle(s). Download a free trial version of GasDandy today at

Anonymous said...

And if you are forced to sit next to a California liberal who shuts their eyes in concentration while they make pointless opinions to you , don't forget to grab a parachute along the way . If they are from San Fransisco and they ask the stewardess for a half latte chocolate expresso then forget the parachute. Just jump and end it all .

Anonymous said...

really nice tipps. thank you for this. i just bookmarked your blog

Anonymous said...

Thanks.. for your tips. I think you have much experience on travel. I am finding this type of tips since 1 years. So this tips is very helpful for me.

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dining room tables said...

Travel in the day of thanksgiving is hard. That day is one of the most important day of the year. You can't celebrate it while traveling. But after reading your tips. I think it is going to be fun traveling on Thanksgiving day.

Wall Mirror Gal said...

Too funny. "Planes, Trains & Automobiles" is one of my all time favorite movies and is very fitting for hectic Thanksgiving travel.

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