Wednesday, March 14, 2007

American I-dull

I rarely post two articles in one day but I’m compelled to rant about last night’s AMERICAN IDOL. The second new post follows.

Is there one part of Diana Ross’ face and body that she has not had redone… at least twice? She is now officially the world’s weirdest Chia Pet. And when she was hugging Sanjaya I could swear she whispered, “I love you, Michael.” The ick meter was pegging the red.

The Diana Ross song Sanjaya should have sung was “I’m Coming Out”.

Randy chided Blake Lewis for taking liberties with “You Keep Me Hanging On”, a classic Motown tune. As opposed to telling every other contestant they have to do something different and make the song their own. Lil Jon has a larger vocabulary.

LaKisha vs. Melinda. The rest are just schmuck bait.

Could they pad the show any more? Christ! It was so long Paula’s drugs were wearing off.

If you’re like me, you’ve never seen more than four minutes of any results show. You tivo right till the end.

Brandon Rogers – see you in PIPPIN at the Jupiter Theatre in Florida.

Phil Stacey could easily win AMERICAN SERIAL KILLER.

Jordin Sparks looks like an Amazon standing next to Ryan Seacrest. And she’s probably 5’ 2”.

In fairness to the contestants, they sure had a dreary catalogue of songs to choose from. No one could make “Love Hangover” sound good.

How many weeks until Lulu???

Sure, the girls all try to sound like Whitney Houston. But at least Whitney Houston can sing. The guys strive to be Chris Montez.

I love that Haley forgot the words. What’s the point of a live show if there are not screw ups? I’d love the theme one week to be the songs of Danny Kaye.

For whatever reason, Simon doesn’t want Haley booted off the show just yet. As he was saying she wasn’t that bad 30,000,000 voices at the same time said, “He’s banging her!”

I loved how Mensa president, Paula Abdul said the audience was too stupid to notice when a contestant went up on the lyrics. I’m sure she hopes that’s true, considering how many times she probably screwed up her own lyrics. ‘Instant replay, instant replay, instant replay, instant uh…uh…uh…”

Chris Sligh and Drew Carey are not funny without their glasses.

Diana Ross seemed impressed with the girls but was she impressed enough to sleep with their boyfriends?

Please let it be Sanjaya that gets voted off tonight. Let him break down and cry and run into Elizabeth Taylor’s arms.

And now for you Non-Idol fans....


Anonymous said...

Diana Ross' ouvre is surprisingly lackluster. I've been asking for Bjork night, but will they listen?

Sanjaya doesn't sound any different than he did when Randy, Simon and Paula thrust him on us in the first place. This is what their pandering to the tween market hath wrought. And now we all must pay.

Sanjaya, he...could...go...all...the... oh no, he's been tackled by "KiKi" La Kisha and her fleet-of-voice cohort, "Tiger" Doolittle. But what's this? A fumble in the form of one too many adult-contempary classics, and an agile Blake Lewis is being cheered off the sidelines by an impressive flank of teen girls and middle-aged gay men to put down his beat box and make the touch down! Score!

Anonymous said...

With the freelance jobs I do in the evening (compiling job listings for a freelance writing newsletter; writing lengthy reviews for ScreenIt (, American Idol is blaring on the TV next to me, since my parents and sister always watch it.

I tolerate it because I find the perfect opportunities during the show to be snarky and my sister's a terrific audience member for me. But man, do they know how to grab those who don't pay a whole lot of attention to the show beyond the funny bits. I'm looking forward to Barry Gibb, Peter Noone, and Annie Lennox during the "Poor World. Here, Let American Idol Help You Telethon."

Damn you Idol! You've taken my ratings point for yourself! ;)

Anonymous said...

Let's all chip in and buy Ryan Seacrest a razor...ick.

Anonymous said...

For me, AMERICAN IDOL ended last week when Antonella got voted off, and there went my last reason for watching... Or living... Where were those pix on the Internet located again?

Ian said...

Ken, no comments about the "stay out of my closet" exchange between Simon and Seacrest? My cat ran up to the TV, arched her back, and hissed at the screen.

Anonymous said...


Where did you find that picture of Diana Ross? Is she rehearsing for a role as a refugee in an upcoming movie? Did she just lose all her possessions in a fire? Did she forget to make the installment payment to her plastic surgeon?

How can Petula Clark look so good on her British Beat PBS Special and Diana comes off looking liking she failed the audition to make the movie version of WICKED?

Marcia said...

First time visitor; linked from Nancy Nall. I bow to you and your AI humor; you rock.

Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

I don't remember laughing so hard as when Sanjaya walked out on stage. Before he even sung a note, I was on the floor.

Man, he's a terrible singer.

My favorite was when the camera would do those sweeping crane shots and we'd catch a glimpse of Randy, Simon, and Paula laughing hysterically.

For me, it's Melinda Doolittle and Blake Lewis all the way. And I absolutely loved the new arrangement that Blake came up with. Good stuff.

peg said...

Since pretty much no one will understand the Danny Kaye reference anyway, wouldn't it be nicer to credit the person who actually WROTE the material and suggest that they do a Sylvia Fine Kaye week? Y'know, credit where credit is due...

Otherwise, a perfect review. I can't wait for the "inspirational" week, myself (maybe, if he's still there, Sanjaya can pull in the massive Hindi vote with his powerful rendition of "ghandi but not forgotten").

Anonymous said...

I pray you used Paint Shop to alter that picture of Diana Ross. Otherwise, it's clear what's happening. She's have work done to look like Michael Jackson. S-C-A-R-Y.

Mary Stella said...

Diana Ross's hair was so big, I expected her to tip over backwards at any moment. Bless her for maintaining her youthful appearance -- but they did less work restoring the Sistine Chapel.

Phil Stacey = Uncle Fester, The Idol Years.

My top male and female picks are Blake and Melinda. I don't have faith that America will vote Melinda to win, although she deserves the title. Lakisha deserves it, too. Then again, I bet the record companies are already lined up to offer them contracts.

Not winning hasn't hurt Chris Daugherty's career.

OhioRuthie said...

Diana Ross IS THE best entertainer ever to grace the stage. Her soothing voice was medicine to my soul growing up. The only time I ever felt peace. She is a gift.

YOU on the other hand...hmmm who are you? Oh wait you want to be a comedic far you aren't funny. Too bad they don't have a surgery to give YOU some talent.

Anonymous said...

I couldn't make it through the entire show, it was one of the most boring shows ever.

Anonymous said...

If there is a God, and I doubt that on a daily basis, Sanjaya will be put out of his misery. He knows he has no business being there, can't even answer the question "do you think you should still be here" convincingly.

maven said...

Hey, Ken: You are so right on about AI so far. Can't we all just fast forward to a Lakisha/Melinda finale? None of the guys have impressed me at all. The girl's side is power-packed with the above two and Jordan.

Anonymous said...

Dude...yo listen up. You suck as a comedian. You can't blog without hating. You got some serious issues, man. It's just not working. Leave Diana Ross alone, she's at least SOMEBODY WHO HAS TALENT, you, on the other hand, need to find yours.

Anonymous said...

He's clearly outclassed, but who among you will not miss Sanjaya and his ebony locks when he is on his merry way? I only hope that he has survived long enough to secure his place as a future guest host of the TV Guide channel...

Karen said...

Sanjaya isn't going anywhere according to Dialidol:

Probably the reason he's staying is because he's Vote for the Worst's poster child right now.

Anonymous said...

Not only did Haley forget the words, she called herself a schmuck for doing it! How's that for live television?

Anonymous said...

Since Ohioruthie and Anonymous have declared you talent-free for dissing surgically-enhanced Diana Ross, the woman who, in her autobiography, wrote "It's a big responsibility to have a lot of hair." I have to ask, how did you get all those gigs writing MASH, Cheers, Frasier and many, many other shows when you have no talent and are not funny. Did your mom golf with every TV producer in Hollywood?

I think I have it. You do have talent and are funny, you're just not a psychotic-ego-queen like Diana. Anyway, never again criticize anyone who gives Ohioruthie "Peace". Maybe she could send you a list of people to leave alone.

God, if Ohioruthie has to lambast everyone who finds Diana Ross's ego insufferable or her vanity beyond comprehension, she must have time for nothing else.

OhioRuthie said...

Seymour I think its time for your medication...take a nap and then resume your ass kissing position.

This guy could have went in many different directions with his 'opinion' and decided to be a classless hack...a true writer would have found more appropriate wording in forming his opinion...I don't doubt he wrote for those shows but if this article is any indication...he never wrote ANYTHING ALONE that made it on television. Unlike Ms. Ross who has had a wonderful solo career.

Okay Seymour're on...kiss kiss..keep talking maybe your hero will single you out and post a message to can only fingers are crossed for you babe. Hmmm is your hero so good looking that he feels he can toss around insults? I look around and see...stay tuned for a blog post of my own.

Anonymous said...

For the masses who are interested...there is now official AMERICAN IDOL ice cream flavors available in stores, from the company that sells it as Dreyer's on the West Coast and Edy's in civilization.

Mike Barer said...

She looks like Yoko Ono in that picture.

Ian said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ian said...

Wow, I'm really blown away by ohioruthie's vituperative comments... I can appreciate that she is a long-time Diana Ross fan, but your comments about her were just not that harsh. You saw the world's weirdest Chia Pet; I saw the Crypt Keeper in drag. And to your credit, Ken, you're an equal opportunity offender... I don't think anyone on last night's show escaped your blog unscathed (the show was so long that Paula's drugs were wearing off... hee hee... Leno's writers will be kicking themselves for not coming up with that one), but ohioruthie didn't see fit to come to the defense of anyone other than Ms. Ross. Oh yeah... she's THE best entertainer ever to grace the stage, so that makes sense.

Anonymous said...

So on Danny Kaye night, who will sing D-O-D-G-E-R-S song (Oh, really? No, O'Malley)?

Anonymous said...

I'm looking forward to hearing Sanjaya sing the Russian composers song on Danny/Sylvia Fine Kaye Night.

Ohioruthie dear, Ken is not my hero. That would be Barry Humphries. And if you'd read some of the past exchanges you'd realize that ass-kissing is something I only participate in in private.

But Ken has been one of the most successful TV comedy writers on network TV for the last three decades. He has written and often directed, and sometimes created, many, many episodes of the best sit-coms from MASH on. It's just a fact.

Diana Ross is a great performer, and showed her acuity by nailing every singer's strengths and weaknesses and giving more useful advice in one show than Paula Abdul has given out in 6 seasons.

She is also well-renowned as one of the largest and most insufferable, tyrannical divas in all of show business, a walking nightmare that no one in their right mind would ever want to work for - or near. Many great stars are monsters. Diana is one of the most monstrous. Ken was kind in his jibes at her, and he tossed jibes at EVERYONE on the show. BTW, do you think Diana looks that way NATURALLY? Darling, she has had work done on every square inch of her epidermis.

As for me, well I saw "The Wiz" when it came out over a quarter of a century ago, and the memory of Diana giving her age as - was it 23 or 24? - still makes me laugh as loud as it did in the theater.

Get over yourself.

Anonymous said...

BTW ohioruthie, you're right: Ken "could have went in many different directions", but as he is a successful, professional writer, it was far more likely that he could have GONE in many different directions.

Love seeing a pro writer criticized by a subliterate.

Anonymous said...

Ken you are being a little too cynical. When Simon praised Haley I turned to my wife and said "He is only saying that because he WANTS to bang her." She can hold out a few more weeks.

OhioRuthie said...

Saymore..its nice to see writers have their own groupies.
I said all I have to say about your hero on my blog..just click on my name.

Also I think a 'professional' television writer who trashes talent publically must not want to work anymore.

OhioRuthie said...

Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...


Just out of curiousity...what do you want to be when you grow up?

Actually I don't think Diana Ross looks like a Chia Pet. She looks more like Angela Bassett in What's Love Got To Do With It after the fist fight in the car with Laurence Fishburn.

Anonymous said...

In all the hubbub did you miss Diana Ross' addition of a new word to the English language?

And the new word is: Drum roll.......... "Pronunciate."

Cap'n Bob said...

Ross is a wreck, an ego on legs, an over-the-hill bundle of scar tissue trying to exhort enthusiasm from an audience that otherwise wouldn't clap for her unless she caught fire. Her performance wouldn't have gotten her to Hollywood during the initial screenings.

I cringed every time she said pronunciate (while she was conversating with the contestants) and wished someone would have called her on it.

I'm glad Haley's still there. She's one of the few girls left worth looking at.

BTW, I found the perfect way to watch the show--tune in half way through. I switched from Dick Tracy Versus Gruesome at 9:15, saw the rest of the show, and returned to the movie for its rousing finale. Diana Ross mde for a passable Gruesome in the interim.

Anonymous said...

I haven't watched Idol regularly since the first season but, like a sleepy meth addict, I find myself tempted to start up again after reading your recaps.

But because of my lack of viewing, until I read who the "special guests" would be next week, I thought you were joking about Lulu.

And if Ms. Ross really said "pronunciate", I think the tables have turned and she's now doing an imitation of Beyonce.

Anonymous said...

I didn't think Diana Ross looked so bad for a 62 year old.

Anonymous said...

ohioruthie: Seymour I think its time for your medication...take a nap and then resume your ass kissing position...Okay Seymour're on...kiss kiss..keep talking maybe your hero will single you out and post a message to can only fingers are crossed for you babe......stay tuned for a blog post of my own.

its nice to see writers have their own groupies.
I said all I have to say about your hero on my blog..just click on my name.

Is this supposed kissing up for attention any different than attacking another, more popular, blogger in hopes that you'll get more than 3 comments on your blog someday? Perhaps, you're projecting your own attention seeking behavior (and need for medication) on others.

Anonymous said...

"Dick Tracy vs Gruesome" was on, and I missed it? Rats! Boris Karloff & Anne Gwynne steal the film, and I haven't seen it in 40 years. And to think I wasted that time watching AI! Boris is my hero. I'm his groupie, and I'd kiss his butt if he hadn't died back in 1969.

Yes Mike, Diana not only said "Pronunciate", she said it over and over, taking great care to correctly pronunciate her invented word.

Ohioruthie dear, I am not Ken's groupie. In fact, were you to lock us together in a room and then turn on a baseball game, you would see bloodshed soon, as Ken LIVES for baseball, and I find it torture to endure, and despise all sports.

But I read his blog because the man has been making me laugh for about 35 years. Diana certainly makes me laugh at times, if unintentionally, but you've yet to give me even a giggle.

A professional writer who "Trashes" talent simply doesn't want to work with THAT talent. I think you'll find that Ken is reluctant to work again with Mary Tyler Moore or Teri Hatcher. NO ONE is their right mind wants to work with Diana Ross. For that matter, I don't believe Miss Ross employs any comedy writers, and she should fire the writer who told her to use "Pronunciate" on national TV. It was probably an employee who hates her intensely (as all her employees must) and was deliberately trying to make her look even more ridiculous on national TV than her hairstylist and plastic surgeons already had.

BTW, I'm a professional writer myself, with a couple of published books, some TV episodes, a few produced stage plays, and a LOT of radio comedy in my resume. You'll find that a LARGE number of the other folks posting comments here are pro writers also.

And no one reads a comedy writer's blog to read praise of Diana Ross. You sound like one of those loons outside the Michael Jackson trial, who foamed at the mouth whenever anyone pointed out that Jacko was a wacko pervert.

Oh someone has a groupie all right, and it's Diana, and you may reapply your lips to her refurbished and lifted butt now.

Anonymous said...

"I said all I have to say about your hero on my blog.."

OhioR, I just read your piece on Ken & Miss Ross, and you never MENTIONED my hero. Not one word about Barry Humphries.

What a little liar you are.

But I loved the bit in one of your postings where, because your sick mother was moving in with you, you killed three of your dogs. That was lovely.

By Ken Levine said...


I am not taking sides nor do I know Seymour. My policy is not to delete comments unless they're REALLY unspeakable, they're spam, or they're hateful and signed anonymously. So I'm allowing Seymour to have his say just as I'm allowing you to have your say.

As for me being so mean and toxic, well, that's your opinion but I don't share it.

Sorry to lose you as a reader. I like to have readers who don't always agree with me. Keeps me on my toes.

All the best,


Anonymous said...

Ohioruthie, you have contacted me, in that I read your reply.

I guess you're are right. I'm a hateful [Rude Term for a person who is too close to his mama], unlike yourself, who never spews hate, anger and rather appalling language.

On the other hand, I've only put pets of mine to sleep because they were in incurable pain, not to make room for mommy. But it was a cheap shot on my part, though it certainly seems to have hit the target.

You, on the other hand, are above cheap shots, like when you raked Ken over your coals for criticizing your divine Diana Ross's appearance on your blog, by posting his picture and then saying: "Doesn't look like he is in the position to be insulting people on their appearance if you ask me." Truely elevated discourse.

Ask Brandon Rogers what he thinks of Diana, after he lost his last chance to sing on national TV because Diana had to just stand and bask at length in the worship of the audience, rather than getting on with her song, (Must have been my ears, but she sounded "Pitchy") eating up the time for Brandon's farewell song.

But I can really, really assure you, I am not Ken. If I had his money, I'd be in London, instead of North Hollywood, attending theater instead of surfing the net.

I wish you joy of your love of Miss Ross. It's good someone can. I was in an acting class with Mary Wilson for a while, 20 years ago. She of course knows Diana quite well. She didn't seem to like her too much. What was the word she used? Oh yes. Toxic. Just like Ken and I.

Adieu. It truely has been fun.

Unknown said...

The program seeks to discover the best young singer in the country, through a series of nationwide auditions. The outcomes of the latter stages of this competition are determined by public voting by phone. The format features three judges who critique the contestants' sportsbook, performances in order to facilitate the voting: record producer and bass player Randy Jackson; former pop star Paula Abdul; and music executive Simon Cowell. The show is hosted by former children's game show emcee and television personality Ryan Seacrest; comedian Brian Dunkleman cohosted with Seacrest in season one.