Thursday, March 08, 2007

American Idol: my take so far

As we head towards the final twelve, here are my AMERICAN IDOL thoughts so far this season.

The winner will be Melinda Doolittle or Lakisha Jones. Lakisha has the edge unless she wears a mini-skirt again.

At times the show should be called ARETHA IDOL. Please. No more “Chains of Love”.

If you have HD you can actually see brain cells pouring out of Paula’s ears.

What happened to Kellie Pickler? Where is that sweet girl next door? She appeared last week looking like the young Dolly Parton. Raccoon make up, J-Lo butt, body tan from a bottle, and she must’ve gone for the full Macy’s Day balloon size boob job. Bring back the old Kellie.

And Fantasia looked like a fullback in drag.

When Diana Ross is a guest judge will her advice to all the girls be “sleep with record presidents”?

New name for Blake Lewis: Twenty-five Cent.

New name for Jared Cotter: Cosby Kid

Ryan Seacrest is seamless hosting AMERICAN IDOL. I goof on him for being a toady red carpet interviewer but in this role there’s no one better.

I’m guessing the “major” announcement on Thursday is either that Paul McCartney has agreed to appear on the show or Paula Abdul has learned to print her name.

Jordin Sparks is the teenage Kimberley Locke.

In Antonella Barba’s bio she said people would be surprised to learn, “I win eating competitions.” After those oral sex pictures circulating the net I don’t think anyone is surprised. And then when asked, “Who are your heroes in life?” she answered, “Walt Disney”. My favorite shot of her is the one where she’s completely naked with a few rose petals sprinkled on her snow white body.

The Stephanie Edwards on AMERICAN IDOL is not the same one who got canned from the Rose Parade broadcast. I know there’s a lot of confusion about that.

Sanjaya Malakar – meet Prell!!!

He looks like Violet, the daughter in THE INCREDIBLES

I don’t get why the judges are so ga-ga over Chris Richardson. Well, Paula, sure, but why Randy and Simon?

Phil Stacey looks like Gollum in a Navy uniform.

Sundance Head is a good singer but his daddy, Roy was even better.

It seems almost inhumane that ten seconds after they learn they’ve been eliminated, contestants are asked to sing in front of 30,000,000 people. To me the only genuine touching moment in the show so far this year was Alaina Alexander being unable to sing her song and other contestants helping her out.

Does Brandon Rogers also play Gary on CSI?

One day he'll be singing backup for Melinda Doolittle.

I’m really looking forward to British Invasion week with guests Lulu (my personal favorite. I love Lulu) and Peter Noone (Herman from Herman’s Hermits). I can’t wait to hear contestants have to sing “I’m Henry the 8th I ‘am” and “Dandy”.

Whatever happened to Taylor Hicks? I mean, even Ace Young was sighted on the MIKE & JULIET SHOW.

This year they’ve introduced IDOL CAMP, a summer camp for kids. Finally, they’ve figured a way to capitalize on AMERICAN IDOL! I always knew there would be money in this franchise if they only looked hard enough.

Nicole Tranquillo, who was voted off, is better than half the singers still there.

Sanjaya Malakar – meet Head & Shoulders!!!

Randy’s added a new move this year! Sucking his teeth and saying “I don’t know. I don’t know.” Say what you will, the man is an entertainer.

Chris Sligh is genuinely funny and can sing. When he gets voted off, which he eventually will (because girls say they value a sense of humor above all else then vote for the guys who look like Justin Timberlake) I’m sure Fox will have a gameshow for him to host like ARE YOU SMART ENOUGH TO TIE YOUR SHOES?

And finally, I’ve said this before, it’s okay to be an AMERICAN IDOL fanatic, to watch every week, to read blogs, or post comments, but once you’ve actually VOTED, then you’ve crossed over to the dark side. Unless Antonella sings on the show wearing the rose pedals, then I’m on speed dial for two hours.


Anonymous said...

Coca-cola...must have a coca-cola. Why does any sponsor want to be known as something Paula Abdul puts into her body?

Seacrest, Out!

He's seemless...and he is actually excited and entertained by everything going on around him on the show.

More scenes from Arthur!!


Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

Just wanted to point out--that wasn't Antonella in those oral sex pictures. It was some porn chick.

Melinda Doolittle will win it all.

When Paula Abdul was missing at the top of the show I immediately pictured her being wheeled on stage like Hannibal Lecter. But drunker.

When I watched Sanjaya do that Hawaiian hula thing I knew at that exact moment in time that there was no one gayer in the world.

Ryan Seacrest has got to be 3 inches shorter than the floor itself. How is it possible that EVERYONE is taller than him?

Blake Lewis cool!

And as always, Simon Cowell says the things that's on everyone's mind. Keep it real man boobs!

Anonymous said...

Don't know about the others, but Lulu can still sing pretty much everybody on the show under the table (or whatever the expression is). Didja see her in the British episode of the Scorsese blues series?

Anonymous said...

Sorry to be off topic Ken but,

I commented over at Huffington Post today and I said you weren't a radio guy but I liked you as the Mariners announcer anyway. Of course, after I posted it I thought I remembered you doing time in the minors as a play by play guy or something but it was too late to correct that. It also didn't support my argument but I knew I made a mistake. I didn't know about your experience as a dj or talkshow host. I'm not surprised though because you sounded quite natural and I really enjoyed those years you were with the Mariners.

I will check out your blog now that I know you have one. (who doesn't)

Anonymous said...

Ken, you're right about Kellie Pickler. She did a personal appearance at a mall here in Rochester a few weeks ago and still looked like the AMERICAN IDOL contestant Kellie. Whatever she had done, it must've been in the two weeks before her ghastly appearance last week.

As for Sundance Head's father being Roy -- Ha! Now I know you really came out of radio! I wonder how many other people would remember Roy Head and the Traits and their lone hit, "Treat Her Right"?

Would like to see Randy Jackson try pulling the sucking his teeth bit and saying "I don't know, I don't know" to Mariah Carey the next time he's producing her... How fast would his ass be out on the street?...

Sanjaya Malakar – meet Clay Aiken!

Anonymous said...

Here's the disconnect... Last night's prime time meant watching the Yankees/Reds game from Florida, with special guest star Roger Clemens. Since his "little brother" Andy Pettitte was pitching, the ageless one came down from Astros camp with his son Kody (Kobe?) (Kloney?) to schmooze with pals and (future?) teammates. The highlight was his one-inning stint in the YES Network booth. The guy, despite everything else that will be said, has a pleasant on-air presence and a voice that comes across well.

Yep, Yankees trumped Idol on my set.

Just keep me posted on Barba. I picked her when I saw her first audition (the one with her hometown pal from Jersey). She's my choice, as was Picklet last year.

Anonymous said...

Oh please, people, you're just figuring out that Sanjaya is gay? He makes Ryan Seacrest look like a football quarterback.

I didn't see it this week (who would have thought that finals could get in the way of American Idol), but we here at Northwestern are big fans of Sabrina Sloan, who graduated with a Music Theater degree some years back. She did three years of Waa Mu which means she can tolerate a lot more than i can.

Howard Hoffman said...


Great recap. dawg. Ya started a little wobbly and it got a little pitchy at times, but you're IN IT TO WIN IT! Keep writing loud 'n' proud!


I love you. I mean I really love you. My uncle is sick, but the highway is green. Yeah.


I don't know if you're going to make it to the next post. What's with the white patent leather belt?

Matt Neffer, Boy Spotwelder said...

I'm with you 100% on this one, Ken. Because, truth be told, I'm a recovering Idol-hater and I'm just coming to terms with the fact that I actually like watching the show (and, now, apparently, also reading blog entries about it.) But I draw the line at voting. You're wrong about Lakisha, though. Melinda has her beat.

Oh, dear. I just... I can't believe i'm even writing about this. Can voting really be that far off?

Ed I. said...

The AI people will not let Lakisha or Melinda win it all. After the mistakes that were Rueben, Fantasia and Taylor, they need someone they can market. And it all goes back to the original intent of the competition, for the next pop idol, which Lakisha and Melinda are not. It sounds like they sing the same songs week after week. That is why they introduced the theme weeks, to prevent these people from singing the same song every week.

Really, who would by a Melinda Dolittle album? It would make Taylor Hicks' album look like a hit. And does the woman have a neck? It looks like they just plopped a head on a body.

And for all on the Lakisha bandwagon, I bet you were the same people who at this time last year said Mandisa would win.

Anonymous said...

Paula's image consultant is telling her to come up with new phrases this year...and in 2007, the winner is (drum roll please!)...


She is also working very, very hard at looking very, very serious. It's very, very much not working.

Anonymous said...

No Paula's personality makeover is not working, but Ryan Seacrest's is. You have to go back a few seasons to appreciate how butch he has become.

Mary Stella said...

I thought American Idol was my guilty pleasure. Now my guiltier pleasure may be reading your comments to see if I came close to any of yours when I sent mine off to friends the night before. Yes, I'm shameless in my flattery to your comic brilliance.

I picked Melinda Dolittle to win on her audition night in Memphis. I'm holding fast to that opinion.

You said Cosby kid for Jared. I pegged him as Carlton from Fresh Prince.

I used to think that Simon was too mean, but this season I agree with him more often than not. I'm darn tired of Paula talking over him when he disagrees with her opinion.

Are we positive that's Sanjaya and not his twin sister in disguise?

I liked Sundance Head's interview when he claimed that he puts on a fat suit for AI so he can maintain a private life off-set. He stole that trick of adding disguises to change his appearance from his uncle Mr. Potato Head.

I wish I'd TiVo'd Tuesday night so I could rewatch. I'm almost positive Randy went the entire night without calling anyone 'dawg', saying they where 'pitchy', or that he was "keepin' it real'. That's a first.

maven said...

I think Randy's new phrase is: "It didn't have any 'yo'!"

Melinda and Lakisha are definetly the most talented and entertaining, but they might not be the most marketable. However, I really like Melinda and her stage personality (not her interview personality).

All the guys suck!

Charles Jurries said...

No offense to the guy, but I'll be very dissapointed if Sanjaya lasts long enough to be part of the summer tour.

Anonymous said...

Sanjaya Malakar – meet head lice!

Anonymous said...

You can delete this comment if you like, but flowers have petals and bicycles have pedals.

Thank you, my editor compulsion has been satisfied for today.

doggans said...

//Whatever happened to Taylor Hicks?//

Hey, he was successful enough to be parodied on the latest Weird Al album. Sadly, it was the weakest parody of the lot, but still.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to go off topic for a sec, but I can't help wondering what Ken has to say about this "Sahara" drama playing out in open court...

Ian said...

Ken, I'm watching "Becker" on KDOC right now. Is that a young Steve Buscemi I just saw as a mental patient?

Len said...

Love your daily blog and particularly this entry on American Idol. So funny, so on-target.

And I think I figured how Sanjaya got into the top 12.

He must have outsourced calls to India.

Ian said...

Oops, caught the end credits on that Becker, and it wasn't Buscemi.

Saw "Idol," too, and when it comes to Sanjaya getting through, can only say, in my best Marge Simpson voice, Whaaaaa?

IQCrash said...

For fat men everywhere, I hope Chris Sligh actually does win. I think it'll be that final step into Eatopia when perceptions change and fat becomes the new thin. The new black.

God I hope that doesn't happen.

Anonymous said...

I so agree with a lot of what you said

Im glad Cosby Kid got booted out but why is haley and Sanjaya still there?

I am a big fan, watch every season, never voted not even once!

Lakeesha will win
Melinda will get a record contract
Sanjaya will be a Bollywood start after this
Chris (who I love) i ahve no idea what will happen to him
Gina- I can't!

Randy sucking in his teeth has become the running joke in this house. Are you gonna eat dinner now? SSSSSSSSSSSSSS I don't know dawg, maybe later

I dont think Paula gets drunk or takes pills I seriously think she has some kind of illness. i feel bad for her.
Also she is so encouraging on that show, she's like a teacher, she finds something to good to say of disastrous work.

PS someting is wrong with your comment box

Anonymous said...

Surprising results last night!

I guess Sundance Head is only guaranteed if Paris Hilton is your date to a film festival.

Anonymous said...

I’ve been a long time denizen of New York City. I was totally immersed, participating in and observing many different scenes in the last four and half decades. Been to literally thousands of absolutely legendary concerts. I've had various bands of my own like the co founded early power pop of Radio City. Played lead guitar in the Revelons for a bit at the zenith of new/no wave/punk/much copied today arty pop. Years of "nightclubbing" frenzied dancing, chaotic gigging, meeting and getting women's phone numbers (mostly right but sometimes wrong numbers), doing stand up, performance art-musical comedy revues, producing a public access comedy cable show and exploring every inch of the island of Manhattan has generated a huge amount of data in my memory banks. Its time to share these memories ,document history and generate some new ideas.

I'm planning a series of articles or perhaps a column dedicated to the history of New York nightlife culture. Much of this account you don't read or hear much about, but it greatly influences today's' pop culture. Stories about the Legendary shows at the Fillmore East, prototypical first punk Richard Hell's style/sound that has been copied round the world or reliving the experience of amazing clubs like Danceteria and Hurrah are examples of upcoming topics. I also am very familiar with the various bridge and tunnel scenes which I will also explore, including other clubs like Starbucks that have been long forgotten. In these writings I will take the reader along with me as I re live and recant my memories and observations of the most exciting years in the worlds number one city.

I'm wondering if you would be interested in publishing few articles

Thanks for your time Marc Silvert
I have other samples as well.

This is an article I wrote that appeared in last weeks NYpress