Wednesday, February 20, 2008

AMERICAN IDOL: Boys will be girls

Since it’s the first week and there are four hours of performance shows I’m doing separate reviews for the boys and girls…this week only.

Tuesday night we got our first look at the boys. At least I think they were the boys. Half of them are prettier than the girls.

As opposed to last season, these kids are far better singers and wow, are their teeth white! They can sing, they can bleach – there’s just no end to their talents.

Ryan began by introducing them as “your top 12”. Mine?? I’m seeing half of these guys for the first time. To be honest, with all the 17 year-olds, it looked like the roll call for New Mouseketeers.

The theme was 60s night but to be accurate they should have called it “Mimic Peabo Bryson night”. Who knew every song from the 60s could sound like “Beauty and the Beast”?

Simon was in mid-season form, offering brutally honest critiques and questioning Paula’s sanity. At one point he pressed her to explain some daffy thing she said and she had to go to Randy for help. She should admit to being on drugs. We would have more respect for her.

First up was David Hernandez. Picture a young John Tarturro. He showed us how Peabo Bryson would sing “In the Midnight Hour”. But he’s got a big voice and will likely stick around.

Then we had Chekezie or Parcheesi, or Jacuzzi, I dunno. Usually before performers go by only one name they wait until they become major stars, or at least make it through to the second week. I think he sang “More Today than Yesterday” but as I remember that song, it had a melody. Chekezie could soon be Outthedoorskie.

There’s always one contestant who has never heard of shampoo. This year's grooming nightmare is David Cook. He’s the deranged outlaw that John Wayne killed in the first five minutes of every western he appeared in. David gave the Peabo Bryson interpretation of “Happy Together”. And he has the distinction of being the first contestant to pick up the mic stand. Please consider that when you’re voting.

Jason Yeager was next. Who??? If these people are too boring to be shown in either the auditions or Hollywood week (we’re talking 100 hours of airtime here) then you know they won’t be around long. He sang “Moon River”.

Moon River, wider than a mile, a tale as old as time, a song as old as rhyme, my huckleberry friend…

You get the idea.

Then came Jason Castro (pictured). Imagine Lisa Edelstein with dreadlocks. Here’s the only time I disagreed with Simon. He loved his rendition of “Daydream”. I thought it was weak. Paula couldn’t keep her hands on the table.

Colton Berry must think he’s in Flock of Seagulls. What’s with the blond hair swept way to the side? He looked like he was attacked by a leaf blower.

This year’s token rocker is Robbie Carrico. The judges were fawning over him because he’s so “authentic”. They completely missed that he’s a Bret Michaels clone.

They also loved loved loved David Archuleta. The fact that they were so excited about a 17 year-old who could easily pass for 9 creeps me out more than a little. Still, he’s a good singer and four million middle school girls had their first orgasm Tuesday night.

Luke Menard. Again, who???? Much weaker voice than the others but looks like Hugh Jackman. Will be around long into the competition.

Danny Noriega is an 18 year-old who looks like Jane Fonda in Klute. He sang “Jailhouse Rock” (an Elvis song from the 50s not 60s) with all the soul of, well…Jane Fonda in Klute.

The cute girls continue with Garrett Haley (pictured). Ryan says he looks like Peter Frampton or Leif Garrett. If you ask me, he’s Heather Graham with a schnoz. He sang “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” through his nose. Next to this guy Neil Sedaka is Springsteen.

The best was saved for last. Michael Johns. Great voice and charisma. Sang “Light My Fire” as a rock song not the theme from “Aladdin”. Should wind up in the top two if he’s not disqualified for getting Paula pregnant.

The girls are next. My thoughts on Friday. And for the tenth year in a row I will be filing my bitchy Oscar review early Monday morning. I guess that means I’ll have to watch them. Shit.


Anonymous said...

Never watched the show. Thanks for bolstering my reason why.

Eric Weinstein said...

Jason Yeager: He must have been 16 when he sired that kid. “Moon River”??? Andy Williams is rolling over in his grave. Oh, that’s right…he’s not dead, but after this, he might want to be. I love Johnny Mercer tunes though, and with music by Henry Mancini, you can’t go wrong…unless you sing it like this.

Tom Quigley said...

I was half expecting Paula to finish all her gushing comments to each one of them with: "Plus, as long as you're over 16, I'll sleep with ya"....

For the record, I was half expecting Ryan Seacrest to say the same thing....

Anonymous said...

Your look-a-likes are tremendous.

What bothers me is that they're doing their usual pimping, this time with Michael Johns (putting him last), and David A.

Why do I think Daniel Noriega is this year's Sanjaya?

Emily Blake said...

Sweet. That Michael Johns guy is a friend of a friend. I'm pretty sure I met him at a party once and gave him my number. He did not call.

Maybe I'll actually watch the show now.

maven said...

Right on re-cap!

Danny Noriega is an 18 year-old who looks like Jane Fonda in Klute." LOL I did wonder where I saw him before.

I agree that David A. will be in the finals.

Anonymous said...

My 7yo daughter is madly in love with Danny Noriega. My husband and I have no idea what to say about that whole situation. Sigh.

I want Michael Johns to have my baby.

Richard Cooper said...

I'm too lazy to bend a coat hanger into the shape of an antenna for my useless tv. So thanks for the recap.

Darth Weasel said...

hey, one good reason to watch the to them, American Karaoke almost...ALMOST...seems watchable. And the similarities are nearly endless. Lots of non-entertainment that we are told is the best thing going today. I mean, think how much poorer the world would be without great stuff like The Piano or Clay Aiken...

Anonymous said...

The cynic in me would say Seacrest is rigging the vote, given which male singers ended up advancing. The real cynic in me says Simon's trying to change to show to "American Sanjaya", in hopes of finding another ambiguous gender/male singer who can create a similar geek show atmosphere among the voters to goose Idol's ratings.

The last few winners haven't exactly gone on to careers of Grammys and riches, and that's got to have the producers worried that if they don't find a new side angle for the show, folks will start tuning out. But if you see Ted McGinley show up next week as one of the singers, you'll know "Idol" is on its downhill slide.

Anonymous said...

Careful Ken. It’s only the first week of Idol, we’re on the cusp of Oscar, and you’re already sounding a little too Mr. Blackwellian. If I’m not mistaken, that first guy actually was Peabo Bryson. IRS auctioned him off to Simon for nonpayment of taxes. That Cheesy guy was actually his sister Bo Peep Bryson singing a Viagra commercial. To complete the transmogrification, David Cook channeled Celine Dion, and Andy Williams was actually rolling over Spider Sabich's grave. But why say it when you can sing

Randy rated Archuleta
Over Danny Noriega,
So away he’ll go.
Off he’s gonna shuffle
Shuffle off the Idol show.

Simon Cowell wasn’t easy
On that other guy Chekezie
And he took it hard.
So off he’s gonna shuffle
Shuffle off with Luke Menard.

Paula Abdul was much nicer
To that Jason Yeager-meister
Acting like a ho.
Now off they’re gonna shuffle,
And he’ll be her little truffle,
Paula’s truffle until next week’s show.

I wouldn't normally be drawn to an S&M spectacle like this, but my wife's really into it. Call me kinky, I like to watch. And there you have it, another reason to neither say it nor sing it. The shredder wasn't working.

Anonymous said...

Jason Yeagher didn't abuse "Moon River" as badly as he's abusing his little son by making him wear that weird "Dreamgirls" hairdo.

I think David Cook will eventually shave his own mop as he continues to morph into Chris Daughtry.

Why did Flock of De Generes look so happy singing "Suspicious Minds?" Granted, it's no "In the Ghetto" on the downbeat scale, but it's not the TeleTubbies theme either.

Robbie Carrico will eventually have to prove his rocker cred to Simon by shooting up onstage. If Carrico keeps advancing, expect one of the more desperate contestants to yank off his bandana, revealing a set of partially healed hair plugs.

Anonymous said...

Ken, you know I'm fond of you. However, due to your statement about middle school girls and orgasms, I contacted a friend of mine from NBC's Dateline. You may find him sitting in your kitchen.

Tallulah Morehead said...

hIf I had Garrett Haley's hair, I wouldn't need to wear a turban.

Jason Yeager should have waited one more year. Then he and his elderly son could have auditioned together, and been the first AI father-son singing team. But the boy needs to STOP getting his hairstyle advice from Garrett.

HAPPY TOGETHER is one of my all-time favorite songs. If that Cook creature ever goes near it again, I shall insert that mike stand INTO him.

I also thought that Luke looks like Hugh Jackman, and no higher praise is possible. His voice doesn't matter as long as he has those cheekbones, and doesn't start wearing Garrett Haley hair.

I'm assuming all the cast will be getting their ganja from Jason Castro. Did his father Fidel resign in shame over his son's hair on American TV?

Jacuzzi lost a dramatic amount of weight since last week. Too bad he shed his singing talent with it.

Danny, Colton, Jacuzzi, and Lief - ah - Garrett Haley need to be gone BEFORE we hit "Shirtless Week", but Luke, Michael Johns, and Robbie Carrico need to be there for it.


Tallulah Morehead said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cap'n Bob said...

I gave up and went to bed after "Moon River." Sounded more like "Old Rivers" to me.

Anonymous said...

My God! No matter how many times Ryan tries to tell us the talent this year is "better than ever", I still thought it sucked!

Alto2 said...

Garrett Haley IS Leif Garrett.

I am a trained singer, but for the life of me, what the hell does "pitchy" mean? Singing is precise: you're on key or you're off (sharp or flat). If these people sing off-key, they should be out.

Anonymous said...

i just wanna say that there is allah who watching all what we do .

Unknown said...

Holy crap, Ken. Your Idol reviews have me in stitches. I'm sore from laughing. Jane Fonda in "Klute" ... middle school girl orgasms ...