Thursday, February 07, 2008

California Dreamin'

Back from Chicago where I guest lectured in my daughter Annie’s writing class at Northwestern. Getting there was no problem. Arrived on time. Zipped out to Evanston. A lot of “Ron Paul for President” signs in front of homes so that scared me, and the entire city looked like one giant mud slushy but all in all smooth sailing. I understand that the first gas powered automobile (circa 1900) won a race from downtown Chicago to Evanston. It took seven hours. Now, even in rush hour, it only takes five.

Since it was Super Tuesday I was sort of hoping my good buddy Barack Obama would invite me over to his downtown Hyatt suite to await results and watch CELEBRITY REHAB but alas he never called.

Let’s see…what happened Wednesday? Oh yeah, a blizzard.

I was trying to make snow angels in front of the Evanston Radio Shack but I got buried. I’m not used to snow blowing and swirling in my face. That’s for Brett Favre not me!

I was easy to spot as a Californian. No boots, no big overcoat (just a Patagonia jacket, perfect for Dodger Stadium in May), a stocking cap that made me look like a used Q-tip, and an umbrella. The umbrella was what really gave me away. I didn’t realize that it’s not much protection when snow is coming at you sideways. Even Mary Poppins wouldn’t be so stupid.

O’Hare was closed (big surprise). There were a thousand flights cancelled on Wednesday including of all things, mine. Fortunately, I had clothes for three days. I was wearing them all at once.

Northwestern cancelled nighttime classes and activities. Annie said that was the first time in four years they’ve done that. Her writing class went off as scheduled however. My topic was supposed to be character development but as a father I thought it was more important to lecture the kids for three hours on abstinence. They all must’ve been in a hurry to get to their next class because no one thanked me when they left.

More disruption: A nearby mall closed for the first time since 1999. People in Skokie had to make do without their Banana Republic and Cheesecake Factory. A local movie theater closed, but that could be because they were showing RAMBO, not the weather.

In the suburbs (where I was) we got a foot of snow. But at least it covered up all the Ron Paul signs.

And yet, for all the doom and gloom, everyone remained cheerful and friendly. There must be some sort of Kool-aid in the Chicago drinking water. Even the local newscasters still had a smile in their voice as they reported that hundreds of people were trapped in their cars. “I bet they’re setting their GPS systems to Florida.” Ha ha ha. “You said it. And turning now to the brutal slaying in Hyde Park…”

All the leaves are brown. And the sky is gray. Chicago has had a grand total of eleven minutes of sun this month.

One way to take your mind off of things was to workout at the Evanston Athletic Club. They have an indoor pool with a posted set of rules. This is – I kid you not – Rule #1: “All persons who are incontinent must wear rubber shorts.” I think I’d rather swim in Lake Michigan.

With all the snow and salt to clean the roads every car in Chicago looks fifteen years old. You can drive a brand new Beemer off the lot and in five minutes it looks like the jalopy used to deliver Domino Pizzas.

O’Hare was a zoo during my departure. People from Tuesday night still trying to get a flight out. I bet on an average night more people sleep in the O’Hare terminal than every Holiday Inn in America.

But it was all worth it to spend some time with Annie. I wouldn’t have minded being stranded another day…or two. Just not three because it’s supposed to get down to minus one. I’d be on Greyhound so fast my rubber shorts would have to take the next bus.

25 comments :

Dwacon said...

So, no Billy Goat.

No Ed Debevik.

It's almost like not visiting Chicago.

Hope at least you had some echinacea tea... or some elderberry wine (best taken while wearing glittery oversized glasses and a huge top hat).

Barefoot Billy Aloha said...

Lived and worked in "Chicagoland" radio for one winter when I discovered that the local Z-Bart Rustproofing technician the summer before sealed my Volkswagen heating ducts shut. I was sick for three cold, cloudy months. On my way to California, I paid the Illinois Tollway booth attendant my fee...in pennies...and cursed that land forevermore.

When I was a kid, I wondered why our Chicago relatives always looked so white and pale. Chicago and the sun aren't good friends.

Now I know why Hugh Hefner based Playboy in Chicago. The weather is so crappy, there's nothing to do...outside.

Brock said...

Saturday is supposed to hit negative 5, and thats without wind....

Glad I picked this weekend to fly up.

Bryan said...

I love midwest weather this time of year... here in Wisconsin a few weeks ago the high was 3 degrees, low of -4 and at 11:30 in the morning it was -7. Oh yeah, and Madison owns two plows--that or only two work at any given time.

Anonymous said...

Just a passing note...arguably the most famous blizzard in Chicago history was the one that paralyzed the city in more than two feet of snow in a single day, occurring in January 1967. I watched a documentary about it...and realized that TV news footage of that storm was used as establishing shots on MARY TYLER MOORE to indicate the setting would be during severe winter weather. Actually, I knew something was unsual long before...the film was so well photographed, even without HDTV, you could see "Land of Lincoln" written on a car license plate. I wondered "Why would they use Illinois footage for a show set in Minnesota?"

Of course, your pal Harry Shearer did a TV Land promo noting MTM once used an establishing shot of a car dealership, supposedly in Minneapolis...with palm trees in the background.

Anonymous said...

But it’s a dry cold. OK, maybe not. My understanding is the way people stay focused during these blizzards it to hearken back to the good old days of the Chicago killer heat wave of 1995, with it’s 600 heat-related deaths over a five-day period (Heat Wave: A Social Autopsy of Disaster in Chicago, Eric Klinenberg.)

Newscasts reported it to have reached 125F at Midway Airport. I don’t know why TV newscasters all over the country always think I want to know what temperature it is out at the airport any more than what the elephant was doing in my pajamas.

Ken Levine said…
"I understand that the first gas powered automobile (circa 1900) won a race from downtown Chicago to Evanston. It took seven hours. Now, even in rush hour, it only takes five.."

Ken, having read you since I was but a lad, I am convinced that you are as much a master of the above sarcastic joke structure as you are of the unexpected Q-tip metaphor. Is there a name for that "format?"? I know there are names for various techniques in standup. Are there structures in TV sitcom dialogue so classic that they are given specific names?

karigee said...

It's the Midwest, Ken! Smiling is a law, as are canceled flights at O'Hare. You would think they would counteract each other, but no.

Tom Quigley said...

"... The umbrella was what really gave me away. I didn’t realize that it’s not much protection when snow is coming at you sideways. Even Mary Poppins wouldn’t be so stupid...."

Apparently funeral directors ARE that stupid... When my father passed away, his funeral was held the day of a massive blizzard here in Rochester (March, 1999 for those of you who want to keep track of these things)... The wind and snow were so bad that the cemetary workers were unable to erect a canopy over the gravesite... So the funeral director (who I guess had apparently thought the whole situation through beforehand) hauled out a dozen umbrellas and stuck them in a snowbank near the grave, inviting anyone who wanted, to feel free and use one... Well, everyone there realized that in those conditions, an umbrella would offer little to no protection whatsoever, and not a single one of them was even touched...

olucy said...

Obviously our devious plan to keep you here failed. Curses!

But it isn't always thus. Please come back when the city is a little more amenable, like Spring. It's April 22 and 23 this year, so mark your calendar.

Emily Blake said...

A couple of days ago I did a post about how some writers are hilarious in person but don't carry it over to the page, and it was universally agreed upon that you are hilarious both in person and on paper.

Just thought you might like to know.

Anonymous said...

I workout at the Evanston Atheletic Club, but luckily I don't swim there. Yes, we're a happy snow laden people of hearty midwestern stock.

Mike said...

I know this type of thing wouldn't be a problem for you lucky Californians, but I wanted to make clear that you understood that the mall that closed because of the weather -- Old Orchard -- is an outdoor mall (even though the Old Orchard that appears in the movie Mean Girls isn't.)

Glad you enjoyed your trip to our fair city even though the weather treated you so nasty. Though you might not have reason to do so when your daugher isn't around, let me recommend you return when the climate is more inviting...all two months of it.

Anonymous said...

YOu make me homesick for college life. I was a Northwestern student during the blizzard of 1967 mentioned above. I think that was the first time they closed the school in over 100 years.

The Minstrel Boy said...

My topic was supposed to be character development but as a father I thought it was more important to lecture the kids for three hours on abstinence

i did the exact same thing when i was scheduled to talk to my daughter's college music class on how to make it as a professional musician. i looked out at all those eager young faces, and talked about std's, unwanted pregnancies, with a fair poetic rant on the deadly rage of a pissed off father. it took her years to forgive me.

Max Clarke said...

Thank you so much for a reminder of what I left behind. I lived in Illinois and Nebraska, I still have family in Illinois. Moved to the San Francisco Bay Area in 1990, and now they visit me.

The Curmudgeon said...

As the father of one daughter who's graduated from college already, and another who's about to start, the line on abstinence made me laugh out loud.

You sure weren't staying in Evanston if you saw Ron Paul signs.

Always glad to have such distinguished visitors in our fair City of Chicago.

Anonymous said...

Hey, it could have been worse -- You could have driven through the snow to your flight at O'Hare and found all the United Airlines workers carrying Ron Paul signs.

Anonymous said...

I'm happy to report that in the past two hours, Evanston has quadrupled our sunshine allotment for the month of February. We've even got some blue sky! Cause for celebration.

Salt, however, is in short supply so the streets are an icy, slushy mess, like driving over a global warming glacier.

Anonymous said...

One of Carson's best lines (had to be the late Pat McCormick):

"It's so cold outside, there's a guy out on the corner selling thermal bras to witches."

Does not quite hold up under deconstruction, since the witch issue would not seem to be a seasonal phenomenon. But what the hey...

Anonymous said...

buck: I'd say the joke DOES hold up under deconstruction. 'Cause it's SO cold that even witches, who are quite used to having cold mammaries, are desperately resorting to thermal bras.

Anonymous said...

I was easy to spot as a Californian.
Reminds me of when I went to LA in late February about 10 years ago. My Michigan hometown still had about a foot of snow on the ground when I left Metro Airport, and after picking up my rental car at LAX I was stifling in my sweatshirt and heavy coat. The temperature was in the high 60s, and it felt like Summer to me. All the natives were wearing jackets and sweaters outside, but I didn't don anything heavier than a T-shirt for the duration of my stay.

Anonymous said...

Ken - That Kool-Aid in the Chicago drinking water? It's chlorine. It rots the brains of Chicaoans. My mother regards Chicago drinking water as ambrosia. (My mom grew up in the city; I grew up 90 minutes southwest of there.) I will be flying up to the city Thursday for the weekend, so I'll be in the same boat as you. At least I'm flying Southwest.

Anonymous said...

"And yet, for all the doom and gloom, everyone remained cheerful and friendly. There must be some sort of Kool-aid in the Chicago drinking water."

I got stuck at Midway in the Valentine's Day blizzard last year and I notice the same thing. Since nothing had been allowed to land since dawn we were all still in the terminal. And by that I mean all in the bars drinking, buying each other drinks and making new friends. It was actually kind of fun.

The airport personnel weren't all happy-go-lucky, but they were as polite and helpful as they could be. You know, considering that they weren't allowed to admit that their employers were total fuckwits to think there's too much hope left to cancel any flights -- even though every airport east of Chi had closed down hours before. And that they knew they weren't going home that night either -- they were as stuck as we were.

Anonymous said...

Ken, how 'bout posting your comments to the writing class???

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