Monday, February 11, 2008

The return of my AMERICAN IDOL recaps

As expected, with the strike almost over I’ve been getting a lot of email questions. I thought they would all be about the deal points, what this means for the future, etc.? No. Most were wondering when I would lift my ban on AMERICAN IDOL recaps? Honestly, until they get down to actual contestants and voting the show is like watching the ninth sequel of POLICE ACADEMY.

The initial auditions used to be great fun. But not anymore. They say 100,000 people try-out each season. Well, we’ve now seen every one of them. How many times can we laugh at the same joke? How many tears can we shed for the same trailer trash sad sacks?

Daddy’s in prison after killing my sister but I know he’d be proud of me if only I can advance to Hollywood.

I’m sixteen, I have five children. I just got fired from Burger King for being too stupid, and I think I just conceived again in the waiting line, but I know things would improve if I became a star.

It’s either this or I go back to spending my life throwing flowers off the Tallahatchie Bridge.

Christ! And then there are the idiots who bring in puppies or (this season) a day old baby to butter-up the judges. Social Services people should be in the room ready to just confiscate these items and press charges.

The Hollywood auditions might be interesting. I suspect a lot of morons cracking under the pressure of having to learn the words to “She Loves You”. I’ll have to see.

In the meantime, here are some representative pictures from the open audition-freak show. All you need to know about twelve hours of airtime you’ll learn from scanning these for twelve seconds. Now don’t you wish you had those twelve hours back to do something productive like campaign for Fred Thompson?

Let’s get to those ten finalists, Barry Manilow night, the one contestant who has a porn video on the net (that's how you butter-up Simon), and let’s have some fun! More recaps then.


maven said...

Can't wait! So look forward to your recaps, Ken.

Richard Cooper said...

Crap. Okay, maybe I'll watch again, but only to see if Randy looks fatter, or if Simon wears black t-shirts, or if Paula is drunk again.

Michael Jones said...

Last Sunday was the first opportunity for those living in Japan to witness the loser-parade. Tell me again, what is the difference between this show and the Gong Show?

Anonymous said...

"It’s either this or I go back to spending my life throwing flowers off the Tallahatchie Bridge."

But...but...who will remember Billie Joe MacAllister otherwise?

Bitter Animator said...

Paula seems to be drunk more often these days. Or is it just that I'm looking out for it more?

There's something rather entertaining about drunk people on television. Rest in peace, Oliver Reed. You were a legend.

Anonymous said...

I don't usually watch the audition segments but I did happen to see the one with the hairy fat guy in the Princess Leia bikini who had his chest hair waxed off at Paula's request and thought that was pretty funny. (By the way is there anything in this world that doesn't have a website?

I don't know about the group of finalists as a whole, but a couple of the Idol wannabes seemed very promising, visually and vocally. Maybe another Carrie Underwood will come out of this year's crap... ah crop.

Mary Stella said...

I stopped watching the auditions. If I want to experience that much pain, I'll stick a hot fork in my eye.

I'm primed and ready for the finalist rounds to begin and have already signed up for a weekly pool.

Can't wait for your recaps, Ken!

Anonymous said...

Honestly, if it weren't for the AI logo in the background, I would have sworn those were real acts from The Gong Show.

Anonymous said...

"She Loves You" -- best Beatles song EVER!

Emily Blake said...

The hot Australian guy is a friend of a friend. I hope he makes it to the finals so I can join his legion of groupies at the next party.

Alto2 said...

There were lots of horrifying things shown on the AI auditions. I was really pissed off at the father pimping his new baby girl for a spot in Hollywood. What was he thinking? What were the producers thinking? They need some good WRITERS for that show.

Richard Cooper said...

dear l.a. guy,

on behalf of star wars nerds everywhere, thanks for the princess leia metal bikini hot link above.

yeah, baby.

mowrey said...

Speaking of who the fuck cares (re:strike) get off the fucking American Idol kick. It's beneath you.

J-Money said...

I'm pretty sure you could get Paula's vote with a candy necklace. Or a piece of aluminum foil.

You have no idea how impressive the American Idol talent pool is compared to the castoffs that wander to an "America's Got Talent" audition. They make AI's holding room look like the damn Brookings Institution.

And, sadly, I speak from experience.

Tallulah Morehead said...

"There's something rather entertaining about drunk people on television."

A bitter animator after my own heart! I've been saying that for 50 years! You should have seen the game show I hostessed back in 1958, BLOTTO. there wasn't a dry seat in the house.

And the Golden Globes are never the same since Lucy sobered up and died.


Anonymous said...

I often hate myself for watching the audition episodes, which bear almost no relation to the stated purpose of the competition. In fact, they go directly against it, deliberately focusing on the least talented and most delusional so we can yuk it up at home.

Once they get to Hollywood however, it becomes an actual talent contest, and I get hooked.

Anonymous said...

"Tell me again, what is the difference between this show and the Gong Show?"

AI is the most popular show on TV.
Gong Show is long gone.

AI produces one winner per season.
Gong Show produced 5 winners a week.

AI winners selected by viewer votes.
GONG SHOW winners selected by JP Morgan and Jamie Farr.

AI has only singers.
Gong Show had all sorts of performers.

AI has smart, acerbic Brit delivering zingers, drunk has-been performer babbling inanities, and fat man who mistakenly thinks he's hip dispensing "Street" jargon so dense he's unintelligable.
GONG Show had moronic (but SHREWD!) Chuck Barris making witless comments, drunk acerbic American J P Morgan delivering zingers, and Jamie Farr.

AI winners and runners-up have gone on to lucrative, star careers.
Gong Show winners have gone on to The Dating Game.

AI, after audition shows are over, no one can get gonged.
GONG SHOW, you can always get gonged.

For the record, I appeared on an episode of The Gong Show in 1979. We (I was part of a four-man group) were gonged by someone I'd never heard of named Jack Youngblood, apparently an athlete less qualified to judge than I was, or JP, or Jamie, or Chuck. I also shot an appearnce for THE GONG SHOW MOVIE, but mercifully, it wasn't used in the final film.

Anonymous said...

My favorite Gong Show contestant ever: the woman who came out, put a box on her head, and yelped variations on "Help! I can't get this box off my head!" until the gong sounded.

Bitter Animator said...

"You should have seen the game show I hostessed back in 1958, BLOTTO. there wasn't a dry seat in the house."

Talullah, I would love to have seen that show. Sounds like genius to me.