Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Fall Movie Preview, Part II

For your popcorn pleasure:

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO – I can’t tell from that ambiguous title what it’s about. Kevin Smith movie. I have high hopes. At least it’s not JAY AND SILENT BOB MAKE A PORNO.

LAKEVIEW TERRACE – Samuel L. Jackson terrorizes his new neighbor. If you hear him say, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men” move! Fast!

THE SOLOIST – Jamie Foxx as a musical prodigy homeless schizophrenic. Not that he’s trolling for another Oscar but his billing is “For Your Consideration, Jamie Foxx”.

MY BEST FRIEND’S GIRL – Dane Cook so avoid as you would any toxic material.

BATTLE IN SEATTLE – Relive those crazy riots that broke out at the 1999 World Trade Organization meeting. Something about Starbucks charging for WiFi.

CHANGELING – directed by Clint Eastwood so I’m in line the first day. I think it’s a drama. Whatever. When’s the first showing?

PING PONG PLAYA – Hollywood is always looking for the next great Ping Pong movie.

THE DAY THE EARTH STOOD STILL – Keanu Reeves plays an alien. Type casting.

BURN AFTER READING – The Coen Brothers are back with an offbeat (big surprise there) comedy. I have high hopes. MICHAEL CLAYTON stars George Clooney and Tilda Swinton are among the heavyweight cast. Apparently, after the shoot George said to her, “Well, maybe one day we’ll get to make a film together when we say one nice thing to each other.”

THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES – Don’t panic. Jerry Seinfeld is nowhere to be found.

QUARANTINE – Horror movie centered in an L.A. apartment building that doesn’t offer cable.

ROCKNROLLA – Another Guy Richie stylized London caper for you to see and go “Huh???”

FILTH AND WISDOM – Meanwhile, the little missus, Madonna makes her directorial debut. Loose adaptation of The Kabbalah – three scheming roommates.

THE CURIOUS CASE OF BENJAMIN BUTTON – Brad Pitt as a man with a bizarre condition that causes him to age in reverse. Could be stunning or an adventure in bad make up.

W. – Oliver Stone, the man who kills flies by shooting bazookas, tackles George Bush with I’m sure his usual light touch.

MAX PAYNE – The video game comes to the screen. Will audiences respond without joysticks?

The Preview wraps up tomorrow.


Anonymous said...

Even though I'm from New Jersey- "Kevin Smith movie" and "porno" should always be mutually exclusive- I'd at least like to see the pornography- for entertainment purposes

Anonymous said...

If W turns out to be terrible (as opposed to merely being about a terrible president), you can swivel around in your seat, so your legs hang over the back and your ehad hangs down off the seat, and watch it upside down, which turns it into the great Fritz Lang-Peter Lorre thriller M.

Who I wonder is more frightening and revolting; Peter Lorre's child-murderer or Bush's presidency? Both had the slogan "No child left behind." But Bush has a far higher casualty-count.

Anonymous said...

ROCKNROLLA – Another Guy Richie stylized London caper for you to see and go “Huh???”

Ritchie seemed to be trying to become a one-man Ealing Studios but with a much different British atitude being romanticized. I think if he had done his work in five years it would have been something, but these gaps between are too long. Same as Tarantino. Too long a time between for what gets delivered.

Anonymous said...

I've done zero research on this, but I'm guessing that should be "LAKEview Terrace" and "FILTH and Wisdom."

When Zack and Miri make their porno, I hope they don't get Kevin Smith to direct it. Who watches porn for the dialogue?

Anonymous said...

Really looking forward to Burn After Reading of all of the. Perhaps I will be talked into the Guy Ritchie one, too. The rest sound like time suckage.

Tom Quigley said...

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO – No doubt Ernest Borgnine will be first in line to see this one... BTW, at age 91, the man's old enough for his very first sexual fantasies to have been about Lillian Gish and Mary Pickford...

Mary Stella said...

Love Kevin Smith movies. I remember an almost "brush with greatness" experience. I walked into his store in Red Bank, NJ, Jay and Silent Bob's Secret Stash, just as he was walking out of the back door -- right by the Buddy Jesus statue. I could have run, screaming, "Kevin! Kevin! Don't go! I just want to tell you I love you" but terrifying people I admire isn't my thing.

As for W, I think they should turn it into a Rocky Horror type viewing experience. Every time George says nookyuhler the audience throws something at the screen.

I can teach Oliver Stone how to kill a fly with a ballpoint pen. (No stabbing.)

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken, off-topic, I was just reading and seeing pics of Frasier Crane behind his microphone for a Dr. Pepper commercial? What's up with that? Has there ever been a character from a (now long) defunct sitcom brought back to do commercials?

TheAma1 said...

Quarantine appears to be a shot-by-shot copy of REC, a great spanish horror movie that came out last year everywhere in the world...except the U.S.

Anonymous said...

I've seen the commercials for Lakeview Terrace, and I don't know why they're trying to market it as a horror. No one's in danger of getting killed. They are only in danger of getting really, really annoyed. That's a comedy.

Anonymous said...

I cannot…repeat CANNOT…wait for W. to come out, if only to watch Richard Dreyfuss chew up the White House as Dick Cheney! I guess I haven’t seen any of his movies lately (Dreyfuss not Cheney) and I miss the guy (Ibid.)

I’ve had the privilege of being involved in 4 O.S. pictures, and contrary to the enfant terrible perfectionist image, he was always extremely nice and kind to me (even though by the 4th he thought I had somebody else's name). I explain it to people that I’m obviously the kind of person anyone can see right away would crap in his pants if somebody even looked at me cross-eyed. And nobody wants THAT. I do think he’s never gotten enough credit for the Scarface remake screenplay.

Anonymous said...

>>MAX PAYNE – The video game comes to the screen. Will audiences respond without joysticks?<<

Joysticks my also be usefull for ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO, if it's any good.


Ronnie Pudding said...

"At least it’s not JAY AND SILENT BOB MAKE A PORNO."

I should've seen that gag coming a mile away, yet it still made me laugh so hard I shot hot coffee out of my nose.

Anonymous said...

"Who watches porn for the dialogue?"

Acually, I've been known to watch some gay porn for the hilarious dialogue, and with exceptionally hilarious unintentional porn comedies, to chapter skip the sex and just run the dialogue scenes for friends. Among the gems:

Man to other man while pulling out an ENORMOUS dildo: "I'm going to f--K you like I f--k my wife!"
(What an unusual marriage he must have, I thought.)
Two men arguing angrily:
Man 1: "F--K YOU!"

Man 2: "F--k me? No. But you can blow me."

Man 1: "Blow you? I --- Well, I have got ten minutes."
Male airline passenger: "Steward! I want to complain. The man in the seat next to me is masturbating."

Steward: "Really? Is he cute? I mean, are you sure he's masturbating? What's he doing?"

Passenger: "He's doing this." [Mimes stroking.]

Steward: "That's not masturbating. That's just hand gestures."
Man to camera as he shows his rear exit: "I know what you want. You want to go where no man has gone before."
(Who knew Star Trek took place up a gay porn actor's butt?)
Guy bottoming: "My grandmother f--ks harder than you."
(This is my all-time favorite line of dialogue, in or out of porn.)
Guy 1: "We'll see if you're gay. Would you rather watch this? [video called CHEERLEADER CHALLENGE] or this? [Video of Judy at Carnegie Hall]

Guy 2: The cheerleaders.

Guy 1: Dude, there's hope for you yet.
Guy 1: You're gay, aren't you? [They kiss.]

Guy 2: "Are you gay too?"

Guy 1: "I'm still straight; but my girlfriend's out for the night."
Guy 2: "I'm not gay. I don't own a single Barbra Strisand album."
Guy 1: "Really?"

Guy 2: "Well, only the Broadway album."
Tom: "Hey Eric?"

Eric: "Yeah Tom?"

Tom: "What are you thinking about?"

Eric: "Not much."

Tom: "Yeah, me too."
Eric: "I love you, dude."

Tom: "I love you too, dude."
Guy 1: "Well I guess I should just face up to it, get myself a Caesar cut and start wearing Lycra in the daytime."

I did not make up any of these. They're all actual dialogue quotes from real gay porn movies.

If only real comedies were as funny.

Anonymous said...

Oh, and speaking of Keanu Reeves in the remake of THE DAY EARTH STOOD STILL, I can hear it now:

"Gort dude, like Klaatu Brarada nikto man."

Will Gort the robot out-act Keanu?

No contest.

Tim W. said...

"Male airline passenger: "Steward! I want to complain. The man in the seat next to me is masturbating."

Steward: "Really? Is he cute? I mean, are you sure he's masturbating? What's he doing?"

Passenger: "He's doing this." [Mimes stroking.]

Steward: "That's not masturbating. That's just hand gestures.""

Whoever wrote that exchange is a genius. Maybe I should start watching gay porn to get some dialogue ideas!

And I really hope W is Oliver Stone's return to greatness. Perhaps he'll try to use only one or two types of film stocks and keep the cuts down to every five seconds or so.

Anonymous said...

That dialogue comes from Falcon's TAKING FLIGHT Part 2. The only writing credit is "From an original concept by Chi Chi LaRue," but it was directed by Chris Steele, who has been writing a lot of, often deliberately amusing, gay porn in recent years, and he's probably the author of the dialogue.

Matthew Rush, who plays the steward, gives a skillful comic performance (Honestly) in the role, clearly aware that he has some juicy comic material to perform (He has other funny scenes throughout what is a two-part, 4-hour porn epic shot in Los Angeles and London. As porn goes, it's big budget.), particularly when contrasted with the hyper-butch roles he usually plays. He's an award-winning international competitive body builder, and is built like an Olympic weight-lifter, 180 degrees away from a flighty effeminate airline steward.

Thanks to this picture, "Hand gestures" has become a running in-joke between me and my friends. As in stuff like, when Marcel Marceau died, one friend of mine suggested he'd died from too many hand gestures.

By knowing all this, I've told you all way too much about me, haven't I?

Tim W. said...

"By knowing all this, I've told you all way too much about me, haven't I?"

Apparently you read my mind. Although, maybe that's fair since we all seem to have gotten a rather large glimpse into yours.

Well, off to bed [hand gestures].
That was a wave, you sick perverts!

deanareeno said...
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