Thursday, January 29, 2009

How to get to Hollywood on AMERICAN IDOL

It’s EASY!! All you have to do is just....

Be an attractive girl between the ages of 17 and 22.

Wear your hair like the Flock of Seagulls.

Have one of your arms completely tattooed.

Dress kooky. Homeless/rocker/chic/Hillary Duff

Reveal that one parent is in prison and the other is dead (killed in a particularly gruesome way. Be creative.)

Have two kids already.

Be raising them alone.

One is very sick. A mystery disease worthy of HOUSE.

Whichever grandmother raised you died recently… on your birthday. Her last words were “win AMERICAN IDOL so my life will not have been in vain.”

Music is the only thing that saved you from becoming a prostitute or working at Applebee’s.

You live in a dirt poor small town and have to walk everywhere.

You don't have shoes.

Kara has always been your idol. (Learn how to pronounce her name)

You can cry on demand.

You can sing (although this last one is just optional).

Good luck. See ya in Hollywood!


Chip said...

And exclusive this season:

Be an Osmond with MS.

Chip said...

Sorry - to clarify: that's not a slam on people with MS.

VP81955 said...

From the Byrds' "So You Want To Be A Rock 'n' Roll Star" to this? Perhaps Devo and "Idiocracy" had a point after all.

wv: "mulgi": an organic way to dress Middle Eastern.

Godot said...

Yes. This is the liberal ethic. Sickening.

Anonymous said...

What does "liberal" have to do with this?

Cap'n Bob said...

And for the love of God don't sing in any manner except that pop idol style that makes the word "you" sound like it has 15 syllables.

Anonymous said...

Picking up on what Cap'n Bob said: If I were in the age range, I'd be tempted to audition by singing an uber-melismatic version of "Imagine" with new lyrics:

Imagine there's a melody
The one that Lennon wrote
No need to wail like a banshee
No need for 90 extra notes...

You also can't go wrong with the Patti LaBelle via Sam Harris/Star Search version of "Over the Rainbow."

Dave Mackey said...

You nailed it, Dawg. The mercifully-concluded Idol auditions were probably the worst ever, if you're looking for anything resembling a preview of the weeks to come. I've never seen more pets, hangers-on, sisters, brothers, and others NOT INVOLVED WITH THE AUDITIONING swaying audition results or just plain pleading with the judges to let them through to Hollywood (my wife's biggest gripe). I'm sure this year there were a lot of good singers that just got lost in the fog of Fox trying to be entertaining and putting on a good freak show instead of talent auditions.

WV: agasanse - a level-headed Eastern ruler.

Anonymous said...

WVW: acidal-

what happens to our collective digestive systems while watching American Idol auditions. Pass the Pepto please.

Anonymous said...

"I had a hard time finding all the search engine sites to submit my blog url. I have made a free list. Go to step #4."

You've got spam! Almost as good as being labeled porn. Almost, but not quite.

wv: "holangn": an wannabee hooligan

Anonymous said...

"Chip said...
Sorry - to clarify: that's not a slam on people with MS."

Nope, just a slam of one specific guy with MS, one who has already been handicapped by being raised Mormon.

Somewhere, Jerry Lewis is appalled.

Anonymous said...

Sigh. Come for the Idol chat, stay for the free list of url submission sites.

Anonymous said...

At least we didn't see any auditions with puppets or ventriloquist dummies. We saw people with puppets and dummies walking away looking dejected ("They didn't like Bobo."), but we were never subjected to the actual auditions.

And we only saw a few people showing up in gimmicky costumes. Honestly, AI hopefuls, DON'T COME IN COSTUMES OR WITH GIMMICKS. No one who arrived with costumes or gimmicks ever maked it through Hollywood Week, and only Bikini Girl has ever even made it TO Hollywood Week.

Anonymous said...

D: Jerry Lewis is appalled that you've confused MS with MD.

What is it with the Osmonds and those teeth? Do they only breed with other toothy folk (or each other perhaps?). If an Osmond's teeth fail to develop that way, do they put them up for adoption or dump their bodies in Salt Lake or something? Something to chew on.

Anonymous said...

"jbryant said...
D: Jerry Lewis is appalled that you've confused MS with MD."

You're right; Jerry Lewis would be pleased.