Sunday, June 21, 2009

Celebrity Sex Tapes

Guys, if you plan on dating actresses make sure you have a good video camera. Spend the extra money and get HD. It’s a good investment. Yes, she may make it and leave you for Brad Cooper or Al Pacino but you’ll still have the sex tape. Riches and notoriety will surely be yours!

And it’s easy because it seems every dumb actress of celebre-wannabe agrees to make a sex tape.

Two latest examples: Leighton Meester of GOSSIP GIRL and Danielle Staub, the “prostitution whore” (so named by a caring fellow cast mate) of REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY. In both cases their Exes are peddling their XXX’s to the highest bidder.

What a great deal! Not only can you brag that you slept with a hot actress you can now make money from it! Sure you might want to lose that spare tire and last longer than twelve seconds (you’re on camera too) and it’s a good idea not to be married at the time, but with the right ingĂ©nue and a zoom lens you could be in the chips!

You’d think the hard part was convincing them to do it. But it’s not. All you have to do is say, “Don’t worry. No one else will ever see this” and you’re in. And that makes sense really. Who WOULD be interested in seeing a future Miss Arkansas on her knees servicing a bartender from El Torito’s?

The only problem is this: There’s concern that the market may soon become flooded. You’ll need that extra something – the Olsen Twins, Carrie Underwood, Nancy Pelosi.

And you better market your tape fast. The nanosecond there’s real money in this CAA will start its own division. Sex tapes will become package deals. You can buy Tanya Harding but you have to also take this new girl from Bally’s Fitness Center we just signed.

So what are you waiting for? You could be the next internet star! Or, network star if the audience continues to dwindle. Who knows? The day may come when an actress will need to star in a sitcom in order to be popular enough for a sex tape.

God, I love this town!


J S Swanson said...

Ken ..
I'm not saying I do have it. And I'm not saying I don't but if I was able to deliver this Sex Tape:

Richard Simmons & Jon minus the 9

could you be of some assistance?

Anonymous said...

This is all well and good, but I have one question...

Who is 'Gossip Girl'?

MirrorJames said...

Good news Ken. With Dustin Lance Black paving the way, even writers can make sex tapes now.

Steph said...

You never hear about unattractive actresses having sex tapes leaked. Like I doubt we'll ever see one with Tilda Swinton.

playfull said...

Nothing is new under the LA sun - I am in possession of some charcoal sketches of a young Tallulah Morehead Circa 1909 holding hands with someone who is clearly not her beau. Or at least i think it is his hand she is holding, the picture is a little smudged there.
These sketches are for sale to the highest bidder (or in fact any bidder) individually or in the form of a flip book.

Unknown said...

If I want to play with matches, I'll play with matches.

Not the Olsen Twins...

wv: derlegra

Es ist das german wort for pantyhose ja ja...

Joe said...

I'm just stunned El Torito's is still around.

WVW - "Shalow" = The correct Sephardic phone greeting.

Jayne said...

I'm still trying to poke out my mind's eye after seeing the Vern Troyer sex tape! ***shudder***

TC said...

For the record, Danielle Staub is neither an actress nor hot. And I even question "real" because there appears to be nothing natural about the woman.

There, I feel better now.

A. Buck Short said...

Consumer alert. Please don’t make the same mistake I did.

Imagine my surprise and excitement when the wife suggested we consider a sex tape to improve the quality of our love life and bring us closer together. Next thing I know she’s back from Condoms to Go (slogan “What, you were expecting to use them here?”) literally with a roll of 2" tape resembling the duct tape everybody stocked up on after 9/11 – except ribbed for her enjoyment.

Not bragging, but I’m married to one of those women who happen to be multi-orgasmic. Had one back in ‘78 and another in 1992 -- although there’s speculation the second may only have been an episode of St. Vitus Dance. I’ve been looking around since the 70s, apparently with little luck, to find that elusive G-spot to try and put an end to this nightmare. The Thompson’s Guide had me somewhere out on Ventura Blvd. The GPS shorted out – twice. The location scout could only tell us where I could park the old “semi” if you catch my drift.

What’s a woman to do? We tried ordering the free week’s supply of those Extenze pills guaranteed to make you larger. We know this to be true, because the word “larger” is somehow integrated exactly 187 times into the 60-second late night TV commercial. “Extenze will make you larger. It’s a scientific fact that Extenze will make you larger. Even if you yourself are not a scientist – you can count on Extenze to make you larger…etc.”

The primary reason this commercial has been so successful is they run it just as you are getting into bed -- thereby making men all over America self-conscious about their level of endowment at the most inopportune time. Guaranteed to debone a guy faster that a team of Tyson Tijuana turkey pluckers. Ah the power of suggestion.

When the “week’s supply” arrives in the mail, I notice there is a precise 12-count in the blister pack. This, of course, also has the exact opposite of the intended effect. “You mean the average guy in America is presented with the opportunity for sexual encounters 12 times a week? Try lifetime supply, mister.

But I’m getting ahead of myself -- and being a little insensitive, which is another part of the problem. The issue in our marriage is the ability to satisfy one’s partner by reaching that sensitive area of hers without the guidance of some latter day Sacajawea – which is also the sound I have every expectation she will exclaim repeatedly upon reaching said destination.

Much to my astonishment, I awaken to find the good woman has taken the Extenze concept literally. There, taped securely to the old Little Lebowski is the two-and-a-half foot reacher/grabber device that came at no extra charge with the Hoveround I had purchased from another late night TV commercial:

It my case it wasn’t so much the lack of mobility as the long-suppressed desire to be part of a drill team. Also the knowledge that the inventor, Tom Kruse, seen in another of their commercials, was not only savvy enough to obtain the above music free by shipping a complimentary to Brian Wilson, but also to have been regularly banging Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes, and Mimi Rogers even though gay (and in the latter case, also twelve).

After again taking the plunge and still failing to find the old Gräfenberg. (“Oh the humanity! The humanity!”) I do what any other self-respecting male would. McGiver-like, I employ the reacher/grabber to free myself from the headboard – all the while truly wishing I were in a position to video those calisthenics. Then march directly into the master bath (a term of figurative as well as literal significance), re-employing said Rube Goldberg reachy/grabby device to snag the bottle of Cialis off the top shelf of the medicine cabinet. Actually it was the generic brand, “See-Alice,” unfortunately remaining awake all night trying to remember which one to take according to the instructions provided within by Grace Slick.

YEKIMI said...

I'm waiting for the inevitable Miss Piggy/Kermit sex tape......

Rick said...

Kermie porked Miss Piggy???

Cap'n Bob said...

Let's qualify this. I'm all for ATTRACTIVE female celebrity sex tapes, but that's it. Watching Richard Simmons or Roseanne Barr would have me gouging out my eyes. You have to admit, though, that the people who do this must have a hidden desire to have them published. No one could be so naive as to trust the guy making them to keep them private.