Einstein couldn't figure out this remote

I just got my new DVR!!

My old one stopped showing program guides, which is a problem if you want to do something crazy like record future shows. So the cable man came out, said “Yeah, everyone’s old DVR’s are starting to break down” (by “old” he means two years). But no worries. He’d just replace it with the brand new (refurbished) model.

Ten minutes later the old was swapped out for the new. Turns out it’s a completely different system and interface. But it offers more recording space and some other advantages but the cable guy couldn’t recall them. Maybe it’s also a toaster. I don’t know. He didn’t either.

Anyway, he showed me the remote and how to access the various features. The old system was complicated. You had to click one button, there were all the channels and categories on the screen and you just scrolled around, zip zip zip.

But the new IMPROVED box – all that complex one button pushing was gone. Replaced by a far easier system!

If you want to turn the TV on you press TV then power then cable. Be careful. If you accidentally hit the cable button twice you could turn off the box, which means your future shows won’t be recorded. If you push power before either TV or cable your garage door opens.

When you want to see what’s on just press guide. That’s the teeny tiny button on the upper left side of the remote. This takes you to a grid. You scroll up and down. Once you find a show you want you hit okay. To get info on that show you must find the info button, a smaller button even then guide. This gives you a synopsis. Another tiny red button allows you to record. Another menu asks if you want to record the series? Another menu provides you options.

With me so far?

How do you play these recorded shows? That’s easy!! Hit the exit button next to the guide button and then hit menu. Or don’t exit guide but hit guide again for the menu. Little icons appear. Scroll through those to find the one you think might possibly mean recorded shows. Maybe the little heart. Nope. Not that one. Find the back key – a pimple of a button on the right side. Hit okay. Try another icon. Nope, that’s sports. Shit. Where’s the back button again? Or I could hit the exit button and start all over. Eventually you find it. A list of your shows appears. Hopefully one or two are the ones you programmed. Scroll to one and hit okay.

Now find the handy play/stop/fast forward/rewind buttons and start your show. When you want to delete you…uh… let’s skip that one for now. Maybe you hit menu then guide or guide and then menu or guide and then volume up. And of course you can always hit exit to take you back or back will take you back as well. The icon might be a red X or skull and crossbones. It’s not the little heart. I know that.

To find shows to record hit the little magnifying glass icon (this is assuming you’re in the guide as accessed by the menu) to find the search engine. This is where you find shows by title. If you use search to find out various instructions and features, you’re shit out of luck. This search allows you to find shows by title. A row of five boxes appears at the top of the screen. Each box will ask you to scroll through the alphabet to find your desired letter. Repeat this process five times. Don’t accidentally hit okay or the cursor will drop down to the show selections. But if you do screw up, no problem. Just hit exit, last (which is back), then exit again, and cable. What could be simpler?

It’s highly likely you’re going to push a wrong button on occasion and suddenly you have the Spanish track or closed-captions. Normally you’d go to search to learn how to solve the problem but the five boxes appear and you realize you’ve doubled-back to the titles of future shows.

Hit menu or guide or exit or last or cable or power. That should take you somewhere where you could push those buttons again and go somewhere else. No wonder they didn’t leave an owner’s manual. This stuff is just toooo easy!

You can fast forward or rewind through current shows. Whatever channel you happen to be on will record from the moment it’s on. Unless you then go to On Demand (I think the icon depicts a little cartoon Pharaoh banishing the Jews). In that case, the channel recording only begins after you leave On Demand (by hitting fast forward then exit then guide then source then mute).

Can you record a show while watching On Demand? There is a way to do it but no one knows how. The creator of this system died and all of his notes were donated to the Magic Castle, where only member magicians can pour through such documents to learn the secrets of pre-taping THE DAILY SHOW.

The remote also features a little yellow triangle button, a blue square, red circle (not to be confused with the other red circle that looks just like it but is record) and a little green diamond. I believe they’re for decorative purposes only. Either that or they run the system. There’s a day button, which I can only assume makes it light outside, two page buttons (maybe this remote will also control your books), and four self-explanatory PIP buttons (that range from swap to +).

There’s also a way to switch over to your DVD player and I’m signed up for the DeVry Institute’s three year college program on using your remote so I’ll have to get back to you on that. I believe DVD players come in the second year.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I think I smell toast burning.