Sunday, January 15, 2012

Getting you ready for the Golden Globes

The Golden Globes are tonight.  I will be reviewing them.  I consider it a warm-up for when I review a real awards show -- the Oscars.   But to get you in the mood, here's my review from several years ago.
It’s okay that you didn’t see the show, remember the show or the movies involved. The really famous targets are ageless.

It's the lid lifter to the 2004 Awards season, beginning with the show where the awards can be bought -- the Golden Globes. Winners are selected by the "foreign Press" meaning your busboys at Jerry's Deli. To put the Golden Globes in perspective, Pia Zadora won one. Jaimie Lee Curtiss once threw a big brunch at her house for the "Foreign Press" and copped a best actress award.

They are presented at a hotel owned by Merv Griffin and televised tape delayed to Hollywood with Dick Clark as producer. All meals are prepared on a George Foreman grill.  (Note:  this year they're not tape delayed to the west coast.  We'll be ignoring them LIVE.)

The big incentive for stars to attend is that they do provide dinner. And they can thank the busboys for voting for them.

Three weeks ago I was in that same ballroom to attend a gala dinner honoring the Chairman of Fox Television. Two days later he was fired. It's clearly where Hollywood goes to express its sincere gratitude.

Where else can you see Clint Eastwood and the Queer Eye guys considered peers?

Always glad to see Barbra Streisand...when she doesn't have to talk. And I loved her sheepskin gown. Last worn by Sonny Bono in 1965. Notice how they showed Babs on camera fifty times and her husband (a nominee) maybe twice?

Great that Anthony LaPaglia won...on NBC. This is the same network that refused to approve him for the co-starring role in the short-lived comedy, KRISTIN. Judging by the shot of his wife falling out of her dress, he already has two golden globes.

When Francis Conroy is not the most obscure actor to win an award you know you're in trouble.

Other than Rene Zellweger, none of the other Best Supporting Actresses were in movies that played anywhere other than art houses. What a surprise that she won. The FP loves her. She eats out a lot.

When Rene Zellweger actually thanks the guy who makes sure she doesn't lose anything in her purse then you know these people are taking themselves just a tad too seriously.

The theme this year was "lessons". Every actor learned a "lesson" from either their director or family or guy who made sure they didn't lose anything in their purse.

I'm sorry Diane Lane lost. Stop blaming her for JUDGE DREDD.

How many times did you scream "Get Off!!!" during actors' acceptance speeches? I stopped counting at ten.

Diane Keaton actually prepared that hideous, rambling, incoherent speech of hers. We get it. You're old.

Jaimie Lee Curtiss should have hosted a brunch this year. But it's an honor just to be nominated.

Pacino is starting to look like Frank Zappa. And sound like him. What the hell was his speech about? Even he got lost. I was impressed however, that he acknowledged his twins and actually knew their names.

THE LORD OF THE RINGS TRILOGY did so well I say it's time for a sequel.

Peter Jackson, its director, forgot to thank the talking tree.

Can you imagine if Sofia Coppola had beaten out Peter Weir, Peter Jackson, and Clint Eastwood? Notice how Jackson acknowledged all of his fellow nominees except Coppola? So Coppola and the talking tree both got dissed.

All five Best Actress nominees were blondes. The foreign press loves that exotic American look.

Charlize Theron won for a great performance. Who knew she could play ugly?

For the eleventh straight awards show Jim Carrey wasn't funny. And for the eleventh straight awards show he thought he killed.

LOST IN TRANSLATION -- Best COMEDY??? Good movie but excuse me, aren't comedies supposed to be funny? I guess when you work the back sink at Jerry's nothing is funny.


Johnny Walker said...

At least we have Ricky Gervais to turn the things into a big roast. Surely by now people can't be "offended", right?

What's the betting that a bunch of the presenters have paid writers for a few zingers against Gervais... that won't be very funny?

Jon88 said...

Ah, the Golden Globes. When the nominations are announced, media voices hither and yon expound on how ridiculous are the picks and omissions, and on the artificiality of the HFPA. But yesterday, on the CBS morning show, two major critics offered their predictions, as if the GGs meant anything. So sad.

Breadbaker said...

Wasn't showing Barbra Streisand a million times and not her nominee husband sort of like how much coverage Tim Tebow got cpmpared to the guy who took the pass and ran all those yards through all those guys to actually score the touchdown? I turned on ESPN Sunday Countdown twenty-five minutes before a playoff game started and they were still discussing Tim Tebow.

cshel said...

Ken, just like your TV shows, your rerun blogs are still funny. Looking forward to your review, the pressure is on. For everyone's sake, I hope the GG show is rich with material for you.

Breadbaker - I feel your pain.

I want to see Kim Kardashian hook-up with Tim Tebow next. Think of that reality show. Kim & Tim. The saint and the sinner. KK+TT=TV$$. Scintillating conversation.
Kim - "Should I call my new perfume Wet Trash?"
Tim - "I prayed on it, and Jesus said call it 3:16!"
(Seacrest, listen up.)

Danielle Solzman said...

Looking forward to the review moreso than the actual awards outside of Ricky hosting.

Movies were done better justice this year than last (The Tourist? Really?)

Cap'n Bob said...

Unfortunately for Tebow, Jesus is a New England fan.

Paul Duca said...

Which is why I am more of a Jesus fan.

As Christ said on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE..."If I'm the son of God, then Tom Brady is His nephew"

VP81955 said...

I must admit I am now rooting for a San Francisco-Baltimore Super Bowl so the focus will be on the coaches (they are brothers) instead of the almighty quarterbacks, who get camera time even when they're not involved in the play! (If the owners had become desperate during the lockout, they would like to have signed the QBs from each team to separate punt, pass and kick contests, since quarterbacks are all stupid casual fans seem to care about anyway.)

wv: "therbi" -- actually, I prefer my RBI in multiples...and I'm crossing my fingers that Prince Fielder will get his RBI in a Nationals' uniform this summer.

cadavra said...

Kim will never hook up with Tim. She doesn't schtup white guys.