Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Gene Simmons Halloween

This has always been one of my favorite holidays, especially when the kids were little. Taking them trick-or-treating and seeing them so excited and happy was one of the true joys of parenthood. And then eating the candy they collected was fun too. Of course there’s always that one eccentric house. We had a dentist who gave out toothbrushes. Thank goodness he wasn’t a proctologist.

And where I live, near UCLA, there was always a second wave of trick-or-treaters.  After the kids had turned in for the night, sorority girls in yummy costumes would ring the bell. I’d be holding the candy bowl for them in one hand and my Emmy in the other.

During Matt & Annie’s elementary school years there was also the annual Halloween carnival. This was a public school catering to the local neighborhood but we were hardly a typical neighborhood. One year I volunteered to make snow cones and Hugh Hefner and his six bimbos strolled up to my cart. He had a kid in the school. A noted soft-porn actress whose children attended the school offered this for the silent auction: A two hour nude session where you could photograph or paint her. The principal graciously declined that offer, but I bet it would have brought in a lot more money than the autographed WINGS script I donated.

For the school’s “Haunted House” Gene Simmons participated. He would pop up and stick out that four-foot tongue. One mother was so freaked she literally sued the school.

Ah, good times.

One thing I learned though -- Halloween is an OUTDOOR holiday.

My son’s birthday is November 2nd. (Happy upcoming birthday, Matt!). When he turned five Halloween night fell on a Saturday. So for his party we invited a bunch of his friends to the house where I would take them all out trick-or-treating and then they’d come back for pizza and cake. 5-7 PM. No muss. No fuss. Great plan.

Except it rained. No, it POURED.

First off, as parents deposited their kids they asked if we’d take siblings since they couldn’t take them trick-or-treating in the rain. Of course we said yes, and so at 5:00 I had forty screaming crazed children running around my house – chasing each other with hatchets, and fairy wands, and Star Wars blasters. After relentlessly trying to wrangle this supercharged mob I finally sat down on the stairs and took a breath. I was so proud of myself. I had gotten through it. It’s almost 7. Then I checked my watch. 5:20.

If you have little kids enjoy these precious Halloweens. Soon enough they’ll outgrow you, want to be with their friends instead, and trade blasters for tequila shooters. At least I still have my memories… and the sorority girls keep coming around.

One last Halloween note: I’ve always found it odd that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in this holiday so they stay home…on the only night of the year when people would actually open their doors to them.

Happy Halloween.



Hamid said...

"sorority girls in yummy costumes would ring the bell. I’d be holding the candy bowl for them in one hand and my Emmy in the other"

Uh-oh. Here comes Nell.

B McMolo said...

I thought the exact same thing, Hamid!

Wallis Lane said...

Ken, were the sorority girls impressed by the size of your . . . uh, Emmy?

mdv1959 said...

"A two hour nude session where you could photograph or paint her. The principal graciously declined that offer"

I'm guessing there was a private auction for that item.

Jeffro said...

And a "Boo!" to you too, Duuuuude!

Mike said...

It was reported on the news that a woman plans to give out pamphlets to children she judges "fat," warning of the dangers of obesity.

Cap'n Bob said...

When did they start calling it Emmy? I'm way out of the loop.

Charles H. Bryan said...

Y'know, there's that moment, if you're a mentally healthy and somewhat ethical middle aged male, where you simply accept and enjoy being a slightly dirty old man. I know I have. It's usually marked by thinking "Oh, if I were 25 again" followed quickly by "Oh, that's right, I'd be a fumbling moron again". Sorority girls, you have nothing to fear, and on behalf of dirty old men everywhere, I thank you for reminding us that we're not dead yet. No, I won't buy for you.

Anonymous said...

Geez. Ken, you're mildly annoying in the way that you treat women as objects (like this post) and either put down their looks or imply that they're sluts when you don't like their work. Your commenters are just neanderthals. I have got to stop reading the comments. I definitely don't want to be subject to the same kind of crap Nell gets, so I won't coments either. So here's the only thing I'll say -- every time I read a post that puts down a successful woman or treats women as objects, I'm mildly annoyed. One of these days the pleasures of reading this blog may not be worth the unpleasantness any more, and I'll be gone. As it is, it's making me really hesitate to buy your books (even though I like your writing. It's even making me like the shows that I know were written by you a little less, or at least watch them a little more critically, which sucks because they're some of my favorite shows.


Anonymous said...

Yes, I suppose that porn actress was successful for something other than being a slut?

Johnny Walker said...

Mary, I hate the horrible bullying culture that seems to have developed here lately, so I just want to show you some support.

The world keeps changing and what was probably acceptable, or even progressive, 40 years ago is no longer seen the same way (and I imagine I'm going to witness this same thing happen to the things I say as I get older).

I don't think that Ken is anything less than a genuinely kind, good hearted guy. Not to mention tirelessly generous to the readers of his blog.

That said, I do know what you mean. When Ken starts complaining that Lena Dunham is not pretty enough to be naked on TV, my toes curl.

But at the end of the day, this is just one guy's blog, and he happens to be a talented, funny and sweet natured guy to boot, and I don't always have to agree with or like everything he says.

(Which isn't to say I think you shouldn't post your criticism, btw!)