Wednesday, August 26, 2020

Every RNC speech distilled into one

The majority of people with brains are not watching the Republican National Convention because, well… why? But it is often good to hear the opposition’s point-of-view to know where they’re coming from. So as a public service, here is the transcription of a typical speech delivered at the RNC. I chose one of the very few not delivered by a member of the Trump family.

This one was from Kimberlee Gullible, one of the other women dating Donald Trump Jr. I use all caps whenever she was shouting.

GOOD EVENING, AMERICA! I’M TALKING TO YOU FROM THE LOBBY OF "THE PALIN INSTITUTE AGAINST HIGHER LEARNING." THE AMERICAN FLAGS YOU SEE BEHIND MYSELF ARE COURTESY OF “UNCLE SAM RENTALS,” FOR ALL YOUR PATRIOTIC NEEDS. CALL ‘EM AT 1-800-BIG HOAX.

WE ARE AT A CROSS-HAIRS IN THIS COUNTRY – THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN LIGHT AND UNLIT. THE DEMOCRATS WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOM, YOUR WAY OF LIFE, YOUR RIGHTS, YOUR JOB, YOUR HOME, YOUR CHILDREN, YOUR CHILDREN'S PETS, YOUR W.W.E., YOUR DEATH PENALTY, YOUR MOONSHINE, YOUR MAN CAVE, YOUR VIAGRA, YOUR BLOW-UP DOLLS, YOUR LAWN JOCKEYS, YOUR FOOTBALL!

IF WE DON’T ELECT AGAIN DONALD J. TRUMP YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD WILL NEVER BE SAFE FROM AFRICAN ASIANS AND OTHER PEOPLE OF OTHER PEOPLE COLOR.

DON’T FALL FOR THE LIBTARD DEMOCRAT SOCIALISTS. WE ARE ALL PROUD AMERICANS WHO ARE SELF-DEFICIENT AND DON’T NEED GOVERNMENT HANDOUTS. WE DON’T NEED SOCIAL SECURITY, OR HEALTHCARE, OR UNEMPLOYMENT CHECKS, OR MEDICARE OR CIVIL RIGHTS. THOSE ARE FOR THE WEAK. DONALD J. TRUMP WILL ELIMINATE THEM. HE WILL ALSO DEFUND THE POLICE DEPARTMENT, THE POST OFFICE, AMTRACK, THE C.D.C., AND ESPECIALLY THOSE FREELOADERS IN THE FIRE DEPARTMENT. IMAGINE, BEING PAID TO JUST SIT AROUND WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

THAT LEAVES YOU MORE MONEY TO BUY GUNS AND PLASTIC STRAWS.

NOW, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT THE CORONA-COVID. THE DEMOCRATS WOULD TRY TO BRAINWASH YOU INTO THINKING 180,000 DEATHS IS A BAD THING. PEOPLE DIE. BOO HOO. AND HOW DO WE EVEN KNOW THAT NUMBER IS ACCURATE OR CORRECT? YOU’RE NOT DEAD. ONCE THE PRESIDENT LEARNED OF THIS PLIGHT – THAT BEGAN IN INDO-CHINA BY THE WAY – HE SNAPPED INTO ACTION TELLING PEOPLE IT WOULD GO AWAY. HE DIDN’T WAIT. HE CAME RIGHT OUT WITH THAT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT?  SOMEDAY IT WILL.  WHETHER IT'S NEXT YEAR OR IN TEN YEARS, HE'LL BE RIGHT.

SLEEPY JOE BIDEN WOULD MANDATE EVERYONE WEAR MASKS. PRESIDENT DONALD J. TRUMP WILL GO HIM ONE STEP BETTER. HE’LL MANDATE THAT EVERYONE WEAR WHITE HOODS. THAT’S LEADERSHIP, MY FELLOW HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS.

WE NEED TO GO BACK TO THE DAYS WHEN WASHINGTON WAS KNOWN FOR ITS APPLES AND REDSKINS. WHEN THE AMERICAN DREAM WAS NOT JUST FOR THE RICH BUT ALSO FOR THE WEALTHY. WHEN GLOBAL WARMING WAS A GOOD THING BECAUSE IT GETS COLD IN THOSE TRAILERS. WHEN COAL MINES WERE FLOURISHING. WHEN OUR CHILDREN WENT TO SCHOOL REGARDLESS OF DISEASE OR SHOOTINGS.

SO VOTE FOR DONALD J. TRUMP. DON’T LET THE DEMOCRATS STEAL THE ELECTION. BLOCK POLLING PLACES. BLOW UP MAILBOXES IN SWING STATES. PRESERVE OUR PRECIOUS DEMOCRACY.

I’D SAY MORE, BUT THE FLAGS HAVE TO BE BACK BY 9. THANK YOU. VOTE FOR MY FUTURE FATHER-IN-LAW. AND GIVE ME MY OWN SHOW ON FOX NEWS!!!

18 comments :

Rick Whelan said...

Also "Hee isss mein boyfrrrriend!"

Rick Hannon said...

This is offered less in the way of a correction, more of "how can I make that spectacle even sadder" kind of thing. Far from being a high school dropout, she holds a Juris Doctor degree from the University of San Francisco.

D McEwan said...

"Rick Hannon said...
Far from being a high school dropout, she holds a Juris Doctor degree from the University of San Francisco."


She hides it well.

Barry Traylor said...

I think this broad was off her meds.

Viscount Manzeppi said...

Spot on, Ken. Absolutely spot on.

Viscount Manzeppi said...

Rick Hannon said...
This is offered less in the way of a correction, more of "how can I make that spectacle even sadder" kind of thing. Far from being a high school dropout, she holds a Juris Doctor degree from the University of San Francisco.



Most of Don The Con's cult, however, do not.

Troy McClure said...

Every few days I read yet another story about a Trump supporter dying of Coronavirus who had called it a hoax. The latest was a couple who both got it. The husband survived, the wife did not. Even when they got sick, they didn't seek medical help because they believed it was just like a regular flu. The husband is now telling people that Coronavirus is not a hoax.

I suggest readers google Karen Kolbe Sehlke. She wrote a long Facebook post attacking mask wearers and said anyone who believes the Coronavirus warnings should crawl back under their rocks. She concluded her post by saying all anyone needs is prayer and guns.

A few weeks later, Karen Kolbe Sehlke got Coronavirus and died.

I'm shocked. Who knew an AR-15 wouldn't cure Coronavirus?

No wonder the Republicans want to steal the election. They're losing votes every time their supporters die from enormous stupidity.

kitano0 said...

Not making fun of her, or anything, but after all this time in Amerika, why can't Melania speak English any better than she does? She has the resources for a dialect tutor, it would seem.

KB said...

I'll get behind the keeping plastic straws policy. That's all.

mike schlesinger said...

Call me crazy, but shouldn't satire involve exaggeration? That read like The Real McCoy. ;-)

Jeff Maxwell said...

I watched Ms. Guilfoyle’s speech and wondered about the ravages of cocaine. Curious, I did a bit of research on her. She has a decent educational history along with careers as a prosecutor and television host. Both take a hefty amount of focus and work. She could not have accomplished what she has in her life by being stupid, lazy or unaware. By most report cards, she did pretty damn good. So what happened? Don Jr? Maybe these Trump folks have some powerful Cool Aid in their refrigerators.

Oh well, back to trying to figure out what day this is. I’m still in the grey sweatpants. It must be Tuesday?

Troy McClure said...

kitano0

I doubt that the Founding Fathers ever imagined a Slovenian hooker who can't speak English would one day be First Lady.

Mike Doran said...

A Point Here And There:

- I've read that when Lawrence Welk broke into TV, he wanted to take speech lessons to lose his German accent.
His sponsor, Matty Rosenhaus (famed in song and legend) told him not to.
The advice was that the accent made Welk "more real, and more relatable" to family audiences.
It was, as they say, A Different Time ...

- I note from the gossip sheets that Little Don and Big Bad Kim had to escape ongoing marriages to hook up with each other.
Kim's ex is Gov. Gavin Newsom (D., Calif.).
DJTJ's ex is ... a trophy wife, considered easily replaceable (as his Dear Old Deadbeat Dad could have told him).

I'm an Old Guy (70 on Sept. 30).
I stopped expecting perfection from public figures quite a while back.
That said, I believe that the current Republican crop is abusing the privilege just a bit ...

Troy McClure said...

The Republicans present themselves as the party of family values, morality, the military and patriotism.

Trump has raped women and underage girls, cheated on wives with porn stars, bragged about grabbing women's vaginas, diverted money for a cancer charity to himself, and did nothing when he was briefed that Putin was paying bounties to terrorists for killing American soldiers.

Roy Moore, endorsed by Trump, sexually assaulted girls as young as 14 and founded the Foundation for Moral Law which took a donation from a neo-Nazi group led by a Holocaust denier.

Jerry Falwell Jr, who endorsed Trump, watched the pool boy bang his wife and joined in, while at the same time condemning gay people and promoting family values and leading an evangelical university that punishes students for pre-marital sex.

It's good thing hypocrisy meters don't exist. The Republicans would cause an explosion big enough to rip a hole in the fabric of the space time continuum.

Jeff Maxwell said...

I’m not a fan, but, on the other hand, America is a place where a Slovenian hooker who can’t speak English has the right to become First Lady.

In the words of the very funny Russian, Ukrainian comedian, Yakov Smirnoff: “America...what a country!"

D McEwan said...

So is Melanoma Trump an "Anchor Whore"?

Given that his money is the ONLY reason to marry DJ Trump, a man whose self-love excludes him from loving anyone else, Melanoma is the highest-priced whore in the world.

mike schlesinger said...

Trump's lust (and worse) for underage girls seems even more hypocritical when you consider that the QAnon idiots think HE'S going to get rid of all the "Hollywood pedophiles."

Pamela Jaye said...

I really wish blogger had a like button