My kind of town

Since it was 80 degrees in Los Angeles in late October, I figured, what better time to go to Chicago? Visited our daughter, Annie, who has so many projects and activities going at Northwestern we were lucky to have time to take her out for nice meals and buy her things at Target.

Our stewardess was Roy Rogers’ granddaughter. From one stuffed horse to another, she now works for Southwest Airlines.

I always love going to Chicago. Great food, great people, and statues of baseball announcers. If only their weather didn’t combine the worst of Siberia and Death Valley.

The weather forecast for our arrival was snow. It was 63 degrees and clear. Who are these weathermen and why aren’t they the President’s foreign advisors?

It was the big Northwestern homecoming weekend. In an attempt to silence once and for all those who believe their football program is a perennial embarrassment, the Wildcats took a commanding 38-3 lead over Michigan State late into the third quarter. They lost 41-38. It was the greatest comeback in Division 1-A history. The headline in the Sun-Times was “A Cat-aclysmic collapse”. On the plus side, they weren’t playing the University of Miami so none of their players got hurt in a brawl.

Not a lot of celebrating in Evanston on Saturday night. The big homecoming event was disassociating yourself from the university. 38-3 then lose?????

Stephen Colbert appeared in the homecoming parade. Ferris Bueller did not.

First snowfall this year in Chicago: October 12 – earliest on record. But there’s no Global Warming.

Everyone talks like Joan Cusack.

God has retired. Lyle Dean, the legendary local radio newsman has hung up his headphones after forty years of scaring the shit out of listeners on WGN and most notably, WLS, Chicago (back in their heyday). When HE said it was going to snow, even if it was 63 degrees you’d drive around with chains on your tires. What an incredible voice. What a nice man. A recent publicity photo of him just shows a burning bush.

Lame tourist attraction: the nearby city of Cicero, home of Al Capone. Not much has changed. The mayor is currently serving time.

The LaSalle Bank Chicago Marathon was Sunday. As I watched the only 40,000 healthy people in Chicago take off from the starting line, I thought to myself, “Some of these people have to die before me.” The Boston Marathon has its “heartbreak hill” which is really a killer. The equivalent here is that runners have to go by Gino’s East Pizza.

Temperature at the start of the race: 35 degrees. They should rename the event the Chicago-Read Mental Health Center Marathon.

My daughter’s friend is a theater major at Northwestern. One of her courses this quarter is “Fairies in Musical Theater.” Is a comment even needed???

There’s an egg salad recall in Illinois. People are advised to stick to their diets of gyros, steaks, and pork ribs.

No wonder there are so few Oldies stations anymore. The one in Chicago had a commercial for urinary incontinence.

But at least John Records Landecker is back on the air. Listeners can “save a thousand dollars a year on pads” and hear one of their favorite D.J.’s.

Wind chill factor: nature’s botox.

Sunday is the end of Daylight Savings Time. Chicagoans are being asked to turn their clocks back one hour and take in any ceramic swans that are still on their front lawns.

Nice to see Roger Ebert back reviewing movies in the Sun-Times. Thumbs up on his recovery.

In the Evanston Barnes & Noble the “Diseases” section is right next to the “Cookbooks”. Egg salad recipes appear in both.

Bowling is illegal in Evanston (this is true). So is skipping, snowball fights, and trick or treating. There are a lot of eight year old Spidermen and princesses with rap sheets.

What should be illegal are ceramic swans and blowing a 35 point lead late in the third period. Sarah Lawrence couldn’t do that.

I bet on ebay you can find a lot of Northwestern “Homecoming 2006” garb this week. CHEAP!!

Must go. Light snow flurries have begun and there’s fear they’ll close O’Hare for six months.

Give John Candy his star

Thanks to reader, Doug Thompson for pointing out that there should be a star on the Hollywood Walk-of-Fame for John Candy. Local LA disc jockeys have stars. If you don’t live in the 310 area code do you have any idea who Johnny Hayes is? He has a star.

From what I understand you offer to pay the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce a certain amount of money. It used to be $20,000, I’m sure it’s gone up. The committee then votes. But again, Johnny Hayes has one.

To nominate John Candy here's where you go. If ever a star deserved recognition it's John. Especially now since his body of work is fading into DVD and VHS remainder bins and the TBS late night movie package.

I was privileged to work with John on VOLUNTEERS. He was a true comic genius. "Tom Tuttle from Tacoma" was a two-dimensional character until John got ahold of him. He had that rare ability to play silly and real at the same time.

Doug suggested we get up a grassroots campaign to get John Candy a star. Finally, a cause this election season I can get behind.

Here's an example of John's work from VOLUNTEERS.

Late in the movie. Lawrence Bourne (Hanks) and Beth (Rita Wilson) are rallying the villagers to blow up the bridge they built for the Peace Corps. Tom Tuttle (Candy) has been away, brainwashed by the Communists. He enters the hut with a stick of lit dynamite.

TOM
Fools! Yankee imperialist swine, running dog, lackey, capitalist vermin, foul-breathed counter-revolutionary terrorists. You didn't really think I was gonna let you get away with this? The word of the people will continue to march over that bridge long after we have become specks of useless matter carried on the wind.

LAWRENCE
Tom, guess what? It's my birthday. Can I blow out the candle?

TOM
I'm not afraid to die. Not for a cause. Sure, there'll be stuff I'll miss. Tuna casserole with little potato chips on top. I love those. And Sandra Dee. I've never told anyone, but I like Sandra Dee. And some day I would have gotten her. And she would have left Bobby Darin for me. But now that can never be. Happy birthday, Larry.

(They grab the dynamite stick and put it out.)

LAWRENCE
Bring him over here. I'm gonna light this and shove it down his pants.

Beth leans over Tom and slaps him lightly in the face.

BETH
Tom... Tom, what's wrong? Why did you try to kill us?

TOM
We must unite with the masses. The more of the masses we unite with the better.

LAWRENCE
Here, let me try.

He slaps him hard.

TOM
(singing) America, America, God shed His grace on thee...

Lawrence slaps him again.

TOM
The people's army must become one with the people so that they see it as their own army. Such an army will become invincible.

Lawrence slaps him again.

TOM
(singing)... And crown Thy good with brotherhood...

BETH
Those days he spent in the jungle ... something must have happened out there.

Lawrence slaps Tom.

TOM
Stop! Stop it! I'll read the book, I'll see the film, I'll wash the people's truck. I'll do whatever you say... It's the commies. The commies made me do it. They want the bridge. They used me. Y'see, they wouldn't let me get any snooze time in, they kept talking... they never shut up ... I challenged myself to resist, but who was I kidding...?

BETH
Tom, what are you talking about?

LAWRENCE
Let me hit him again.

TOM
The commies... They're gonna come. They're gonna take over the bridge and the village... And I did it for them. (sobbing) How's that gonna look on my resume? "Peace Corps 1962, turned village over to Communists" ... Who's gonna hire me?

The Prestige

Hello from the Cineplex in Evanston, Illinois where I just saw THE PRESTIGE.

It’s SPY VS. SPY with pretty assistants, it’s TIN MEN with stupendous water chambers. Don’t worry, no spoilers. All I will say is whoa! Never piss off a magician! The only deadly contraption not featured was a guillotine but you could see one of those in Theatre 3 which was showing MARIE ANTOINETTE.

I come away from every Christopher Nolan movie feeling the same way – great premise, lavish production, dazzling sequences, and ultimately – HUH??? What the hell was going on? I felt that in MEMENTO, BATMAN (I also had big Katie Holmes problems in that one), and now this. Nolan is a terrific filmmaker but always seems just too clever for his own good. It’s fine to have a lot of twists and turns, but Chris, we’re watching the movie in REAL TIME, buddy.

As I was watching this I felt I had seen it before. Hugh Jackman, Scarlett Johansson, London, magic – no wait, that was SCOOP. Now if Woody Allen had played the Christian Bale part then you’d have a scary movie.

THE PRESTIGE – Rated PG. Not recommended for doves or rabbits.

Another idiot blogger with World Series thoughts

Some playoff and World Series thoughts for my weekend post as I wing to Chicago to visit my daughter at Northwestern. Back to the usual TV talk and nonsense next week.

I imagine most of the country and certainly Cub fans will be rooting for Detroit.

Why is baseball so great? Because Yadier Molina, who had a .216 average this season gets the biggest hit of the year.

You have to love the NY POST. Their Friday headline: ALL METS ARE OFF.

The Mets scored 2 runs or less in four of the seven games. Losing was a team effort. Don’t blame Aaron Heilman for blowing the series.

Endy Chavez’s catch and starting that double play was every bit as spectacular as Mays’ 1954 World Series web gem. Had the Mets won we would be talking about it for generations.

One of the many problems with Tim McCarver is that he never listens to his partner. At least five times a game he will blurt out some observation that Joe Buck made two minutes prior (and articulated better).

For the best coverage, turn down the sound on your TV and listen to Jon Miller on ESPN radio. Except in Los Angeles where the idiotic station doesn't turn off the 7 second delay.

The Yankees have finally determined who was responsible for their collapse. PR man, Rick Cerrone was just fired after eleven years. But A-Rod remains.

I know Detroit is heavily favored but don’t count out the Cardinals. They still have So Taguchi.

I feel I’m living in a world turned upside down. George Bush is our President and Jeff Weaver is in the World Series.

The Tony LaRussa-Scott Rolen feud is no big deal. It’s been blown way out of proportion by the media coverage. Truth is, this kind of stuff happens all the time on every team.

Yadier Molina??????

Who is more upset that the Cardinals won – Mets fans or Fox? Even NBC’s dreaded “scripted fare” might beat them in the 8:00 hour.

Since I’m sure Jim Leyland reads this blog religiously: Start Kenny Rogers in game two. You can use him again at home later in the series. And what a contrast after Justin Verlander in game one.

Another reason why I hate interleague play: It takes a little luster off this match-up when you consider the two teams already met once this year, in June. The Tigers swept the Cardinals in a three game series in Detroit. So Taguchi didn’t play.

Please please PLEASE stop showing those Tommy Lasorda promos!!!

Tiger Stadium has not been torn down yet. I say, for fun, play one of the games there.

Did John Rooney pick the perfect year to move from the White Sox broadcast booth to the Cardinals broadcast booth? He's becoming the Lonnie Smith of radio (Smith played for four different World Series teams -- Philadelphia, St. Louis, Kansas City, and Atlanta).

How much does luck play in all of this? Detroit couldn’t sign Kyle Farnsworth to a multi-year deal and shipped him off. As if that wasn’t fortunate enough, they got Zach Minor from Atlanta for him. Minor made 16 starts this year and really bailed out the rotation.

Detroit has some flameflowers but ask Houston closer, Brad Lidge. Albert Pujols (or “Luis” Pujols, as Tim McCarver calls him) can hit a 100 mph fast ball… a long lonnnnng way.

Jeff Suppan is a free agent after the series. Ca-ching!! Especially since the only other blue chippers are Jason Schmidt and Barry Zito.

Based on the 2004 World Series, don't expect to see LaRussa use Jeff Suppan as a pinch runner anytime soon.

The DH will be a big help to the Cardinals. (Pujols DHing while Duncan plays first???) Maybe the National League throws the All-Star Game every year so they’ll have four DH chances instead of three in the World Series. Nah, they just suck,

Yadier Molina???????

*****

For more (and better) observations, check out my son's blog DirtyWatah.com.

What a great time to pitch NBC

How’s this for good timing? Friday afternoon my partners and I are going to NBC to pitch a comedy pilot.

In fairness, I did say to the assistant setting up the meeting, please don’t schedule it for the day after NBC announces sweeping cutbacks and the firing of 700 loyal employees. But that’s what we’ve got.

I like the executives we’ll be pitching to. They’re smart, alive (not always a given), and supportive. I never take rejection personally. Sometimes they buy, sometimes they don’t. That’s just the nature of the biz. But I hope they’re still there on Monday. I hate when I have to pitch to people packing boxes.

The other part of the NBC announcement was that they were going to discontinue programming comedies and dramas during the 8:00 hour. Too expensive. Better to just run cheap game shows and reality shows. And it’s not like NBC was a haven for comedy anyway. They have only four, with two on life support after only two weeks. Our chances are really good. And making the task even harder, our idea is not a behind-the-scenes look at SNL.

Putting my own little needs aside, eliminating 8:00 comedies seems to me like a really short sighted idea. Remember the last time NBC was in last place? What show completely saved their ass? Hint: it wasn’t THE WEAKEST LINK. COSBY in the 80’s and more recently FRIENDS became the saviors of the network.

In this new “reorganization” I question whether NBC will even need a comedy department. Perhaps those duties could just be added to the Facility Manager’s responsibilities.

Oh well. Maybe our idea will be the one that completely turns things around. Although, at the moment, I’m just hoping the guard at the front gate hasn’t been fired otherwise we’ll never even get in the building.

This week's ratings

GREY’S ANATOMY was number one. It’s a can’t miss concept. ER with sex. CSI is trying to counter but finding it hard to make necrophilia sexy. Perhaps with the right stunt casting…?

1 vs 100 opened big. Three models from DEAL OR NO DEAL are in the “mob” of 100 contestants going against the main player. If the main player answers a question wrong and all three models answer it right the player is not only eliminated, he’s killed for being too stupid to live.

HEROES is a legitimate hit. SMALLVILLE on a real network.

Matthew Perry’s new post-FRIENDS show, STUDIO 60 retained just 54% of its lead in audience. Matt LeBlanc can now feel better about JOEY.

Remember when we all went to CBS for our news? Now we go to COMEDY CENTRAL.

Katie Couric’s newscast is dead last among the big three. Maybe her signoff should be, “Please don’t leave, too.”

TBS will air the NLCS next year. First time a baseball championship series won’t be on over-the-air TV. Maybe that’s because no over-the-air network wanted it. Ratings for this year’s playoffs are so bad a boxing match on SPIKE beat an AL game (seriously). Fox is actually looking forward to the day it can put STAND OFF back on the air.

NBC is crowing that they’re the only network with increased 18-49 audience. What they don’t say is that it’s because of FOOTBALL! MY NAME IS EARL at 41 is not bringing up the average.

If ESPN were eligible, MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL this week would have ranked 27th in the national ratings.

More NBC spin: 30 ROCK (which finished third) drew 32% more 18-49 viewers than E-RING did last year in that time slot. Kick ass! Omitted from the story was that E-RING was immediately cancelled.

New sitcoms are tanking left and right. Is it because audiences no longer want to see sitcoms? No. It’s because audiences no longer want to see BAD sitcoms. Recycled TV stars in inferior vehicles with inferior writing. How many times do we have to see Jere Burns?

Selma Hayek will guest on UGLY BETTY during sweeps. The show will be renamed that night UGLY EVERYONE ELSE.

FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS deserves a better time slot.

THE NINE might not make it to eight.

Going through the ratings I discovered, hey, THE BACHELOR is still on.

And finally…

QUE HAY DE NUEVO on Telemundo finished last at 139. And I thought it was one of their better episodes.

Preparing for MASH

Many years ago on this date I arrived at Ft. Leonard Wood, Missouri to begin my basic training. I got my ass into the reserves eleven minutes after the draft lottery (in which my number out of 366 was 4). I was maybe the worst private EVER. And I made a vow. At the time I thought, as the years go by and bad memories fade into the mist, you only remember the good times and think “it wasn’t that bad.” My vow was that no matter what I forgot it WAS that bad.

If I ever write a book, a large chapter will be devoted to the Army’s futile attempt to turn me into a feared fighting killing machine. What they did teach me was the insane military mindset that proved vital in writing MASH.

But here’s a typical incident. We were not allowed to go to the PX (Post Exchange: Army-speak for the base 7/11). I was always ravenous and would sneak out to the PX at night to buy bags of cookies. If we received homemade cookies in the mail they had to let us keep them (but we had to get rid of them that night).

One delightful evening we’re in the barracks putting sneeze sheets up on our bunks or some other idiotic thing when the Drill Sergeant and Company Commander enter and announce a snap inspection. A bayonet was missing – like one of us was going to steal it because there are so many practical uses for the M-9 Multipurpose bayonet.

We all stood at attention at our lockers. They approached mine, opened it, and an entire bag of Chips Ahoy cookies spilled out onto the Drill Sergeant’s boots. I was in big trouble.

He turned to me angrily and snarled, “Veen, (he could never pronounce Le-Vine) you fuckin’ dud! You know the rules. No cookies unless they’re from home!” Still at attention I responded, “My mother works for Nabisco, sir!”

I spent the next month cleaning latrines with a toothbrush…but it was worth it.

Misc-takes

My email server has been down. At least I hope it's Adelphia's problem and not mine. In any event, I feel completely cut off from the world. I suppose if I really need to get a hold of somebody I could use the phone. But that just seems so...so 2003. I remain helpless and alone.

You can breathe a sigh of relief. None of the LOST sets were damaged in the Hawaii earthquake.

Fox Sports fired baseball analyst, Steve Lyons last week for making “insensitive remarks”. I heard the remarks. They were stupid but not cause for immediate termination. And what did Fox expect? They hired a guy whose nickname is “Psycho”!

A worse offense to me was play-by-play man, Thom Brenneman having the wrong pitcher in the game last Sunday night. Ooops. Thom, as someone who has done that myself I feel your pain. Although it didn’t happen to me on national television…but still. It reminds me of the great story about old time radio sportscaster, Bill Stern, who if he had the wrong receiver running with the football would just have him “lateral” it to the correct guy. Then he screwed up the Kentucky Derby once and someone said, “I guess you can’t lateral a horse.”

Martin Scorsese has announced that THE DEPARTED will be the last big budget movie he will make for awhile. His next film will be an adaptation of Shusaku Endo's novel "Silence," which tells the story of two 17th century Portuguese missionaries who travel to Imperial Japan and witness the persecution of Japanese Christians. If he can’t make a tiny picture like that for under $200,000 there’s something wrong.

I hope Air America stays on the air now that it’s bankrupt. Maybe if they had one affiliate that wasn’t twelve watts at 1590 on the AM dial they could amass some listeners.

Bruce Willis got his star on the Hollywood Blvd. Walk of Fame. He follows recent Hollywood legends Ryan Seacrest, Charlie Tuna, and Porky Pig

The Walt Disney Co. will begin serving more nutritionally balanced meals at its domestic theme parks. However, they insist that churros are a vegetable.

And finally…

XM’s 60’s channel now runs old Wolfman Jack shows, conveniently leaving out the fact that he’s dead. My favorite moments are when he takes requests. What’s the number? “Hello, Wolfman, can I speak to Natalie Wood?”

Jerry Belson 1938-2006

When David and I were starting out, writing spec scripts, we watched the DICK VAN DYKE SHOW every afternoon. We played a little game called “guess the writer”. The writing credit always came at the end. Easiest to predict was scripts written by Garry Marshall & Jerry Belson. They were always funnier, sharper, better. And they were our inspiration. Our career goal was to be the next Marshall & Belson, to have our scripts be considered that cut above.

Jerry passed away last week. He was 68. He always said that on his gravestone it was going to read, “I did it their way”. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. Jerry was truly an original. His work was always a little daring, verrrry dark, his comic voice was always strong. Satisfying the mainstream was not his goal. He’d pitch a joke and Garry would say, “Jerry, only four people will get that,” to which Jerry would say, “More than enough.”

I worked with Jerry on CHEERS. He was an uncredited punch-up man, coming in one day a week. Invariably we would put in eight Belson jokes, five would go because the actors couldn’t deliver them as funny as Jerry did, and the three that remained were the three biggest laughs of the show.

Jerry never spoke. He whined. And he was such a presence that pretty soon everyone around him whined too. I was once in a rewrite session on the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW and there was Jim Brooks, Sam Simon, Ken Estin, and Heide Perlman all whining along with Jerry. It sounded like dueling Jewish mothers.

Jerry once pitched a joke on CHEERS and when the Charles Brothers politely rejected it, he said, “But it got a big laugh on THE ODD COUPLE.” A perplexed Glen Charles asked why he would pitch it here if they used the same joke on THE ODD COUPLE? Jerry’s whiney reply: “Hey, what went before is good, too.”

After one table reading, Shelley Long was upset about the script and came up to the writers room to discuss it. She stated her objections for about five minutes and Jerry just got up and headed for the door, crossing right in front of her. Shelley was stunned. She stopped in mid-sentence and asked where he was going? Jerry said, “Honey, this ain’t in my deal” and walked out. Hardly behavior from a guy who did it “their way”.

Jerry wrote a great movie in the early 70’s called SMILE about a local beauty contest. It was the GUFFMAN of its day. If you get a chance Netflix it. The movie was adapted for a Broadway musical, and as I mentioned in an earlier post, his PLAYBILL bio read, “SMILE fulfills a lifelong dream for Mr. Belson – to be paid twice for the same script.” Jerry was not known for his sentimentality.

Garry Marshall tells the story of how he finally married his wife, Jo Ann, 30 years ago. She had given him an ultimatum: “Marry me or I'm flying to Europe.” As he waited with her at the airport, she repeated the demand.

"What do you want? Should I take off or stay?" she said.

Belson quickly whined: "Can you take off and circle?"

When I won my first Writer’s Guild Award the first person I thanked was Jerry Belson. He was my friend, my colleague, one of my mentors, and in a world of extremely funny people he was one of the funniest.

So many great Jerry Belson stories. His tales of growing up in comedy mecca, El Centro, bragging about writing for Chilly Willy, but my personal favorite is that when my son was born he sent a gift along with a very touching hand written card that said, “Dear Matthew, always remember I was funnier than your father.”

He was.

Don't stab the frog

A post from the beginning of the year worth re-posting.

A reader wondered how we analyze jokes, know when they’re bad, etc.?

The truth is we try NOT to analyze them. We have an expression – “Stabbing the frog”. Remember 10th grade science class? You’d have this cute little frog bouncing around. Then you’d stab him, dissect him, and uncover all the secrets of what makes a frog. Only problem is – the cute little guy is now dead.

Same with comedy. In a writers’ room someone will pitch a joke. We’ll all laugh. Then someone will pick it apart. Someone else will want to change a word. A discussion might ensue. Variations proposed until finally no one can remember what the hell was funny in the first place. So when a staffer starts that, another might yell out “You’re stabbing the frog!” Generally, when someone pitches a line and everyone laughs, just put it in the script like that.

Don’t stab the frog … unless it’s Michigan J.

I personally don’t believe you can analyze comedy. I know there are theories. Absurdity plus irony…or tragedy plus time…or cowboys plus beans. But it all seems ridiculous.

How do you know when a joke will work? Instinct, experience, a keenly honed sense of humor – and then you’re still wrong half the time. That’s one of the reasons why it’s good to have a partner or be in a room with other writers – feedback from people you trust is very valuable.

And there’s a reason you have table readings, runthroughs, test screenings, preview audiences. The only accurate judge of whether something’s funny is an audience.

The tough part for a writer is to be objective. During runthroughs it’s tempting to laugh. You have a stake in the material. Either you wrote it or you know that changing it will mean extra work. You have to be ruthless, leave your ego at the door, and not have tickets to the McCartney concert.

And yet it still amazes me. You’ll have a script that goes through the roof. Next week’s table reading – a steaming turd. Same geniuses that wrote last week’s show. What happened? How did we suddenly become collectively stupid?

Ultimately, you have to do what makes you laugh and hope that others will laugh as well. The scariest script my partner, David and I ever wrote was the “Bar Wars” episode of CHEERS. It was the end of a season, they needed one more script, we banged it out quickly, and turned it in. The next day a Writers Guild strike erupted unexpectedly. Shows were allowed to shoot existing scripts but not rewrite. So they filmed our first draft, word for word. We had no chance to revise it, punch up jokes that didn’t work, make trims, etc. Needless to say, the night of the filming was terrifying. It was here we were going to be exposed as frauds. Fortunately, the show went well (although there were still plenty of little things I would have improved). I was never more relieved in my life. Because if it hadn’t gone well, I was the frog that was going to get stabbed that night.

Ig Nobel Prizes announced!!!

Hollywood isn’t the only town to recognize greatness. Last Thursday night the 16th annual Ig Nobel Prize ceremony was held at Harvard. The Ig Nobel Prize celebrates out-of-the-ordinary research that first make people laugh and then think. Mostly they’re thinking “who the hell signed off on these grants??”

Anyway, here are a few of this year’s winners along with my heartiest congratulations.

ORNITHOLOGY: Ivan R. Schwab and the late Philip R.A. May for exploring and explaining why woodpeckers don't get headaches.

PHYSICS: Basile Audoly and Sebastien Neukirch for their insights into why, when you bend dry spaghetti, it often breaks into more than two pieces.

PEACE: Howard Stapleton for inventing an electromechanical teenager repellant -- a device that makes annoying noise designed to be audible to teenagers but not to adults; and for later using that same technology to make telephone ringtones that are audible to teenagers but not to their teachers.

ACOUSTICS: D. Lynn Halpern, Randolph Blake, and James Hillenbrand for conducting experiments to learn why people dislike the sound of fingernails scraping on a blackboard.

MATHEMATICS: Nic Svenson and Piers Barnes for calculating the number of photographs you must take to (almost) ensure that nobody in a group photo will have their eyes closed

LITERATURE: Daniel Oppenheimer for his report "Consequences of Erudite Vernacular Utilized Irrespective of Necessity: Problems with Using Long Words Needlessly."

And my personal favorite:

MEDICINE: Francis M. Fesmire for his medical case report "Termination of Intractable Hiccups with Digital Rectal Massage”.

My TV reviews

A few thoughts on the TV season so far.

30 ROCK – Uneven but funny. And what an interesting spin, all the people who produce a sketch comedy show aren’t wonks. Alec Baldwin was inspired casting. The other brothers should be pissed now. Not only does he have the looks but also the funny. Tracy Morgan was good too and you could see the comic potential of that wacko character. But when they weren't on, when it was just Tina Fey and misc. cast members, my mind drifted to how much better THE OFFICE is. Still, 30 ROCK is easily the best of the many behind-the-scenes-at-SNL shows this year. I want to coin a new term: Situation Cartoon.

STUDIO 60 – Just continues to get worse. Last Monday night’s episode was absurd. Not a single moment that rang true, either story wise or relationship wise. As my writing partner, David says, “it’s Aaron Sorkin’s COP ROCK.”

TWENTY GOOD YEARS – Baby boomers get one show geared to them and it's this clam. Swell. When John Lithgow passes away the cause of death will surely be “choked on scenery”. His performance is too big for an IMAX screen. And after ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT and LARRY SANDERS, Jeffrey Tambor must feel he’s back in dinner theatre. How does the multi-camera format of television ever hope to survive when the only new four-camera shows the networks are putting on are hackneyed derivative stiffs like this and THE CLASS?

THE NINE – Compelling so far. But I’m getting a little tired of conspiracy cover ups. (I expect the raccoons in MEN IN TREES to start gaslighting Ann Heche.) The cast of THE NINE feels like an expansion baseball team draft. You can pick one from PRISON BREAK, one from EVERWOOD, one from WINGS, etc. But Tim Daly is great, Chi McBride has now been on every one hour drama since 1998, and I guess Kim Raver will no longer be on 24. Good. Jack Bauer’s got enough shit in his life saving the world without having to deal with that harpy.

UGLY BETTY – America Ferrara is a find. But the show should be a half hour. Or move faster than the TV Guide crawl.

TIL DEATH – Brad Garrett have you met Michael Richards, Jason Alexander, MacLean Stevenson, George Wendt, Lisa Kudrow, and the other second bananas who thought America just wanted to see them, the writing wasn’t important?

HELP ME, HELP YOU – Ted Danson deserves better material. Maybe the smarmiest new sitcom on the air (that’s not on Fox). In the pilot he climbs into his ex-wife’s bed while she’s there with another man. The guy leaves and Ted winds up sleeping with her. So does that mean she bangs the boyfriend and then her ex-husband a half hour later? The following week Ted is in the closet overhearing his daughter have sex with that same middle aged boyfriend. And the topper is, the sex lasts for hours. The “ick” meter goes right off the charts.

GREY’S ANATOMY – I’m so thrilled it’s beating CSI. Maybe now CBS will hold off on CSI:DES MOINES and LOS ANGELES CSI OF ANAHEIM.

HEROES – X-MEN with no costume budget. J-Crew models that have super powers. Can do things with mirrors, walk through walls, fly, read people’s minds. In other words, a typical Cirque du Soleil troop. Fun comic book fare.

DEXTER – I hear it’s good. I don’t get SHOWTIME. Who does? I’ll wait for the Emmy consideration DVD.

The NLCS -- Great to hear Joe Buck. Tim McCarver in the first two minutes of Game One calls Albert Pujols "Luis". We must get him off the air.

So far I think I’m like most Americans. A few of the new shows seem promising. I’m not hooked yet but will try them a time or two. My favorite shows are still from last year. And thanks to Tivo I have no idea when anything is on – which night, what time? Nobody does actually. I think the networks make the schedules confusing on purpose. I mean, why else would NBC buy a show called FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS and put it on Tuesday?

Scene from a bad creative marriage (complete)

I talked recently about doing the Mary Tyler Moore comeback vehicle, MARY for CBS in 1985. Got a few requests for a sample of the pilot script (written by David Isaacs and me). And since you’ll never see the show on the air, even as cable channels grow to the thousands, I figured, it’s either here or nothing.

CBS wanted an updated version of her old show, believing that Mary’s audience would only accept a more mature version of Mary Richards. We listened to them instead of doing our original idea. That was our first mistake.

The premise everyone agreed upon was that Mary, a high class fashion writer found herself out of work when her magazine folded. She winds up working at a Chicago tabloid, the kind that views the Sun-Times as if it were the NY Times. We tried to put her in a much funkier, edgier arena than WJM. And we tried to give her a love interest. Our inspiration was HIS GIRL FRIDAY. We wanted someone who was handsome, charming, and kept Mary completely off guard. Was he a cad or just pushing her to be better? We hired James Farentino who was GREAT. Here’s the scene where they meet – Mary’s job interview. To make it easy to read I just re-posted the whole scene.

**********

INT. FRANK DEMARCO’S OFFICE – DAY

THIS IS THE ONE PLACE THEY DIDN’T CLEAN UP AFTER THE CHICAGO FIRE. FRANK IS SITTING BEHIND HIS DESK, ON THE PHONE, GETTING A HAIRCUT.

ALSO PRESENT IS A TALL, THIN MAN WHO WEARS HEAVY BIFOCAL GLASSES. THIS IS TULLY, THE COPY EDITOR.

MARY ENTERS.

(NOTE: THIS SCENE SHOULD PLAY AT 200 MPH)

FRANK
(INTO PHONE) Of course the cop won’t let you take a picture of the body. You slip him fifty bucks, he turns the other way, you go in and get the shot. Do you want the Pulitzer or not?! (TO MARY) Come on in.

MARY
Did I get you at a bad time?

FRANK
(WITHOUT LOOKING UP) Not at all. (TO BARBER) Keep a little in back. (THEN) Tully, how many S’s in “disappear”?

FRANK HANDS HIM A DUMMY SHEET. TULLY HOLDS THE COPY AT ARM’S LENGTH AND STRAINS TO SEE IT.

TULLY
Where?

FRANK
In the headline!

TULLY
Oh. Three.

FRANK
(TO MARY) Unions. I have to keep a legally blind copy editor. (TO TULLY) There’s two! Should be one. Fix it and print it.

TULLY
Big deal, so I’ll take out an “S”.

FRANK
Out!

TULLY EXITS. FRANK EXTENDS HIS HAND.

FRANK
Frank DeMarco.

MARY
Nice to meet you, Mr. DeMarco.

FRANK
Please…Frank. You got some samples of your work?

SHE OPENS HER ATTACHE CASE, HANDS HIM ONE.

MARY
Yes, well, this article from 1980 won an award from the fashion writers of…

THE PHONE RINGS.

FRANK
Hold on. (INTO PHONE) Yeah…

MARY
…America.

FRANK
(INTO PHONE) What do you mean he won’t take fifty bucks? This is Chicago! All right, for one picture we’ll get him floor seats for a Bulls game.

HE HANGS UP.

MARY
Look, if you’re busy I could…

FRANK
(YELLING) Tully!!

TULLY (O.S.)
Coming!

FRANK
Let’s do it now, Mary. This afternoon it’s gonna get crazed.

TULLY POPS HIS HEAD IN.

FRANK
You know the drawing the Sports Department is having for the Bulls tickets?

TULLY
Yeah.

FRANK
We just got a winner.

TULLY
Who?

FRANK
Me.

TULLY
Right.

TULLY EXITS.

BARBER
Finished.

THE BARBER HOLDS UP THE MIRROR.

FRANK
Well, Mary, what do you think?

MARY
About what?

FRANK
The hair.

MARY
Fine.

FRANK
Mary, if you’re gonna work here you have to have an opinion.

MARY
Am I going to be working here?

FRANK
I don’t think so.

THE BARBER PACKS UP TO LEAVE.

BARBER
See you Friday.

FRANK CHECKS HIS POCKETS.

FRANK
Son of a gun, no change. Mary, you got a buck?

MARY
No.

FRANK
I’m getting no help today, Henry. Catch you next time.

THE BARBER EXITS.

FRANK
Mary, just looking at you I can tell you’re a very talented writer.

MARY
I am.

FRANK
But the thing is, see, I’ve only been here three months. It’s my job to turn this turkey around. And that’s fine ‘cause that’s what I like to do. Storm into town, make a lot of noise, rattle some cages, leave a silver bullet, and move on. Look around you. I don’t need fashion talk. Most of our readers use this paper for clothing.

MARY
Then why did you agree to see me?

FRANK
Because I do have an opening, but I don’t think you’re right for it.

MARY
Oh, what is it?

FRANK
You really wanna know?

MARY
Not really, but I’m here so what the hell!

TULLY POPS HIS HEAD IN.

TULLY
Sorry, Frank, the guy’s already picked up his tickets.

FRANK
Thanks, Tully, you’re a big help.

TULLY
You can’t fire me, you know.

FRANK
Get outta here.

TULLY EXITS.

MARY
You know, Frank, you’re probably right. I don’t think I really fit in. Actually, I just came here as sort of a last resort but there must be resorts even worse I can try.

FRANK
I want to start a consumer “Help Line” column. Readers send in all sorts of problems. Our advocate fights like hell, cuts through the red tape, and we print the best stories.

MARY
That’s the job?

FRANK
Sensation sells papers, Mary. But above all what I want for the Eagle is credibility.

THE PHONE RINGS.

FRANK
(INTO PHONE) Yeah…The cop went for it, huh?… Good. Okay, take the picture and tell him you’ll drop by later with his circus tickets… What? Basketball tickets? Where am I gonna get basketball tickets?

HE HANGS UP. MARY IS STUNNED. SHE CAN’T BELIEVE THIS GUY.

MARY
Well I should be going. I’ve been here… (CHECKING HER WATCH) Whoa! Two whole minutes.

FRANK
Sorry to waste your time. But I doubt if a woman with your background could handle auto mechanics, immigration, city hall –

MARY
(IMMEDIATELY) How do you have any idea what I can or cannot do? You don’t know anything about me. I have faced more than my share of crises with a great deal of poise.

FRANK
Personal crises?

MARY
That’s none of your business. And as far as a car mechanic is concerned, I’d rather face one of them than an irate designer any day. Let me tell you about the time –

THE PHONE RINGS.

MARY
Oh for godsakes…

FRANK
(ON PHONE) Yeah… He doesn’t want me going with the story? Tough! He’s an elected official. As long as he’s got his hand in the till, I’m gonna be on his back.

HE HANGS UP.

MARY
… Let me tell you about the time they wouldn’t let me into a showing at… what elected official?

FRANK
It’s confidential but I’ll open my closet if you’ll open yours.

MARY
No, thank you.

FRANK
I knew I was safe. Now, you were saying?

MARY
I was going to tell you about the time…

FRANK
That’s well and good, Mary, but have you ever read the Post? A lot different style than Woman’s Digest.
MARY
I can write anything. I’ve done all kinds of material… short stories, novellas (PROUDLY) .. rejected by some of the finest publishers in this country!

FRANK
Where do you find the time to write all that?

MARY
Oh, nights.. weekends.

FRANK
Don’t you have a social life?

MARY/FRANK
That’s none of your/my business.

FRANK
Bottom line, Mary, I just don’t think you’re tough enough.

MARY
I am tough enough.
FRANK
Prove it.

THE PHONE RINGS. FRANKS REACHES FOR IT BUT MARY BEATS HIM TO IT. SHE GRABS THE PHONE AND YANKS IT OUT OF THE WALL.

MARY
There!

FRANK
I’ll try ya.

MARY
(STILL DEFENSIVE) It sounds like fun.

FADE OUT. END OF ACT ONE.

Wining and dining

L.A. is always crazy nuts during the Columbus Day weekend so the lovely Mrs. L. and I decided to escape to Northern California.

Flew from Burbank airport (now Bob Hope International Airport) Friday morning. Thank God the departure monitors aren’t cute and say “On the road to San Jose”, “On the road to Tucson”, etc. It’s disconcerting enough to hear “Thanks for the memories” when you take off. Departed from the Dottie Lamour terminal. Arrived in Oakland (Bobby Seale International Airport), which is now under construction for your inconvenience.

Struggled to find the rental car lot. No wonder we got lost. It’s on Earhart Street. Who names a street after the most famous woman who disappeared and was never found?

New security rule – all your little liquids must be presented for inspection and must be in a plastic bag. What if you don’t have a plastic bag, you say? No problem. The gift shop has them for the price of a small dinette set.

The Hertz “Never Lost” system hated me for some reason. In the middle of the Oakland Bay Bridge it said, “Make a hard right turn. Now!!!”

This was Fleet Weekend with big air shows at the waterfront. Great fun. Grid locked traffic and being strafed by the Blue Angels.

The Bluegrass Festival also took place in Golden Gate Park. Not that anyone heard any of the performers with an air show roaring overhead and the ground shaking.

Another great San Francisco landmark bites the dust. Tower Records at Columbus & Bay has gone belly up, a victim of the internet. This, two weeks after radio legend KFRC abandoned its heritage to play Ricky Martin records. If Janis Joplin didn’t kill herself 35 years ago or any day since, this would have done it.

At least Capurro’s on Fisherman’s Wharf is still serving the best Italian food in the city. Been there for sixty years and probably safe until you can download cannelloni.

One institution that should close is Sears Fine (?) Food. My son waited an hour for a mediocre steak and when it finally arrived was told they were out of steak knives, it would be another five minutes. Maybe that was because you needed a steak knife even for their famous Swedish pancakes.

After seven corporate sponsor name changes Candlestick Park has returned to its original name – WorstStadiumInAmerica Park.

Big showdown there this weekend as the 49’ers played the Raiders. Week 5 and between them – one win. Kinda like bragging rights between Spam and Head Cheese.

There was a Mariachi Festival in San Jose. The mayor has applied for federal disaster relief.

Needed to get a Bat Mitzvah gift so swung by Telegraph Ave. in Berkeley. Couldn’t decide between the water bong or the color changing hand blown glass pipe. Ultimately went with the pipe. She’s conservative.

Had a lovely dinner Friday night in Berkeley only two blocks from the 119th shooting in the area this year – all part of the city celebration for the A’s winning the AL division title.

Big sex trafficking scandal exposed. Who knew the Asian Massage parlors (that seem to be on every block) were not on the up-and-up? Of course it doesn’t help that most have massage permits issued to them through the San Francisco Department of Public Health.

Nearby Modesto has a minor league baseball team. No joke, they’re the Modesto Nuts. Seems the area is known for its dry fruits with one seed, testicles, and crazy people.

On Sunday drove to Napa Valley (made famous as the setting for ENCORE ENCORE). Knew we were almost there when we saw the first outlet mall. If San Francisco is “Baghdad by the Bay” then Napa is “Tuscany by the Target”.

EVERY place in the Napa Valley has a gift shop selling wine, candles, glasses, sesame mustard, and lavender soap. The Arco also offers brake fluid (but from ’97, a really exceptional year).

There are 260 wineries in the Napa Valley. Mogan David is considered a soft drink factory.

Doesn’t take long to get into that pretentious wine tasting spirit. Stayed at Villagio Inn which was playfully articulate. Had dinner at Brix which was saucy yet aggressive.

Didn’t get to Coppolas’s winery unfortunately. It’s in Geyserville ( or Geezerville). Was hoping Francis Ford would be there, greeting people and assuring them he could ship anywhere. And I could ask him what he was thinking letting Kathleen Turner try to pass for a teenager in PEGGY SUE GOT MARRIED.

During public wine tasting sessions my wife was the only one doing the brucha.

When you tour any winery you’ll notice it smells just like that guy who is always out in front of your local 7/11.

The movie title SIDEWAYS refers to the way wine bottles are stored. The other question about SIDEWAYS no one could answer – how did Sandra Oh become the biggest star to come out of that film?

There’s a Jelly Belly Factory tour. If you go to a few wineries first you’ll be saying, “Jesus, these grapes are chewy.”

Skipped the hot air balloon flight. I just don’t want my obit to read, “died in a balloon.”

All in all, a great time. We celebrated Columbus Day just like Columbus – by getting hopelessly lost at every turn. If Chris had had the “Hertz Never Lost” system they’d be celebrating his day in Rangoon.

How we saved a movie...in ten minutes

To underscore what I said yesterday about “trailer moments”, my writing partner and I were called in last year to help out on a trailer. A major studio was assembling the trailer for their big January comedy and realized, there wasn’t one big joke in the entire movie. What’s astounding is that it took them that long. They couldn’t tell from the script? Or the dailies? Or the rough cut? Or a preview screening?

But once they did realize they had a 90 minute comedy with less laughs than a C-SPAN briefing they snapped into action. But instead of spending the money to fix the film, they decided to improve the trailer. David and I were hired to write ONE JOKE. They would reshoot a scene to include our joke although it wouldn’t make the final cut of the film (because who needs one laugh?).

So we did, the trailer played, the movie was just as bad as always and it became a boxoffice success.

And now I’m praying for a sequel.

How to REALLY write a romantic comedy

You want to write a romantic comedy screenplay and sell it for a million dollars. So you take classes, read books, study story structure, analyze classic screen comedies, even put yourself through a couple of Nora Ephron films, and you think you’re ready.

You’re not.

Because even though those things are important they’re not what’s going to sell your movie. THESE will.

*****

You need a high concept. A BIG hook. To where “the girl is a mermaid” just barely makes the grade. Your characters can be real as long as there’s time travel.

The studio needs to visualize the one-sheet. In other words, the poster. And if you can provide a tag line that would be good too. “What if the girl of your dreams was your grandmother?”

There must be five good “trailer moments”. Studios don’t think in terms of 90 minutes, they think in terms of 90 seconds. There better be pratfalls. Someone in an avocado mask. Hugs and crashes.

Be sure to include five block comedy scenes. Zany sequences that generally involve destruction, humiliation, emasculation, dogs, and toilets. If they were making SOME LIKE IT HOT today Joe E. Brown would be giving Jack Lemmon a bikini wax. THE SEVEN YEAR ITCH would be Ben-Gay in Marilyn Monroe's panties.

Just as you see it every day in real life, have a group of strangers sing an infectious song from the 60’s and do a perfectly choreographed spontaneous dance number.

New York, Chicago, and Paris -- better than Detroit, Cleveland, and Warsaw.

And finally, it’s not enough anymore to have a happy ending, you need a sappy happy ending. A memorable line of dialogue wouldn't hurt either. "Without you I'm only me." "Before I met you, love was a noun. Now it's a verb."

Follow these guidelines, keep your script under 110 pages and there could be an Ashton Kutcher/Kate Hudson in your future. Good luck!!

Ho-leeee cowww!

Thank you, Tigers. No more Yankees. No more Spike Lee in the crowd. No more Donald Trump in his luxury box. No more John Sterling "theeeee Yankeees winnnn!" Unfortunately, I think no more Joe Torre. But he'll probably be happier than T-bag escaping from prison.

I'd hate to be the program director of the YES Network for the next five months. And I'd sure hate to be A-Rod.

Maybe now the Mets can get front page coverage.

******

On Friday night’s AL division playoff game, Jon Miller had longtime Tiger broadcaster, Ernie Harwell come on to do a few innings. It was great to hear his crackling voice and at 88 Ernie was still as sharp as ever. Certainly sharper than analyst, Joe Morgan. But it brought to mind the days when each team had a distinctive announcer. And no one was more distinctive than the Scooter, Phil Rizzuto.

A former player, Rizzuto never really made the transition to broadcaster. And that was his charm. If there was a player’s name he couldn’t pronounce he’d just call him “Huckleberry”. He could never remember my name during the years I was a colleague so he always just called me “Mash”. When scoring a game he would often write WW following a player’s at bat. That meant “wasn’t watching”.

There are many great Phil Rizzuto stories. You probably have some. Here are my two favorites.

The Yankees were playing at Tiger Stadium one night. It was easy to hit home runs down the left field line. It was just a 340 foot chip shot. On the left field wall was a digital clock. A Yankee hit a home run and Rizzuto almost came out of his seat, saying on the air, “Holy cow, what a poke! He had that over the 808 sign!”

And then there was the day where his post game show was interrupted with the bulletin that Pope John Paul I had died after only a month of service. When he got back on the air, the first thing Rizzuto said was, “Wow. News like that could dampen even a Yankee win.”

C’mon, seriously, wouldn’t you rather hear the Scooter than Tim McCarver?

You're only as good as your last credit

Hello from San Francisco. Well, actually Emeryville but I can see San Francisco.

According to imdb.com I was the location manager on DANTE’S PEAK. This is news to me. I didn’t even see DANTE’S PEAK. Yet imdb has it listed and my agent is still pressing me for his commission. Nor was I the Environmental Production Advisor on FLIPPER although I was brought in to punch up his dialogue, and I was not the Location Manager on JURASSIC PARK even though I still write off Hawaiian trips and use Spielberg as a reference. I don’t know where imdb gets this information (I suspect my mother) but I’ve tried several times to get them to correct it but they won’t. So now when I get calls from other Location Managers (which I do) I just recommend our backyard for whatever they need. I’ve made a tidy sum on production rentals.

Worse are some credits they list that ARE true. How many directing assignments have I missed out on because potential employers saw I did multiple episodes of ASK HARRIET? Someone once said you’re only as good as your worst credit. We have shared credit on MANNEQUIN 2 for godsakes!

And then there are the credits imdb omitted that I am proud of. David and I created and produced a show on CBS in ’93 called BIG WAVE DAVE’S starring Adam Arkin. (Cancelled because they had to make room for the Faye Dunaway comedy and the Peter Scolari comedy. No, I’m not bitter). We wrote on the TRACEY ULLMAN SHOW, the TORTELLIS (okay, they were kind to skip that one), and we wrote and “guest starred” in an episode of OPEN ALL NIGHT. Notable because after that we never “guest starred” again.

OPEN ALL NIGHT was created by Tom Patchett & Jay Tarses (who did the BOB NEWHART SHOW and BUFFALO BILL). They asked us to write an episode. We saw that Jay was also going to be one of the series regulars so we asked if we could be in the show. They said, “Sure, what do we care?” So we wrote ourselves two fabulous parts. We were Sean & Evan, two swinging lawyers trying to pick up female mud wrestlers at a mace class. Tom & Jay didn’t change a word of our dialogue. All they did was add one little sentence in the stage direction:

THE WOMEN GET TIRED OF THESE GUYS AND FLIP THEM OVER THEIR SHOULDERS.

For the entire week of production we were getting thrown around all over the stage. Landing on our backs, landing on our heads. We were black and blue with multiple concussions. I still have a bruise. Finally, after the dress rehearsal just before the filming, Jay came to us and said, “Uh listen boys, we’re going to cut the stunt”.

Not only do I want to see that credit on imdb, I want it listed first.

Un film de

I'm off to San Francisco for a long weekend. Travelogue to follow next week. Assuming the Bates Motel has internet access I'll continue to post this weekend.

********

My daughter has to come up with a couple of screenplay ideas for her writing class at Northwestern. It takes me back to my college days and all those terrible student films.

From what I’ve seen of recent student films, nothing has changed. This is a typical student film:

MUSIC UP: “Lips of an Angel” by Hinder.

FADE IN:

EXT. OIL FIELD – DAY
A well pumps oil. Forty or fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. KITCHEN -- NIGHT
CLOSE ON a knife.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. PARK – DAY
Children frolic and play.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT
A girl is getting stabbed repeatedly. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

CLOSE UP of cellphone as it RINGS and RINGS and RINGS. Forty, fifty times.

SMASH CUT TO:

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

A river of blood.

SMASH CUT TO:

EXT. NEW JERSEY EXPRESSWAY – DAY

A teddy bear is SQUASHED by a truck. ZOOM in on the bear remains.

FADE OUT. THE END

******

Okay, first off, there is no such thing as a SMASH CUT!!! A cut is a cut. How can you cut from one frame to another any faster?

Secondly, why do all these student masterpieces have to be soooo pretentious, ALWAYS feature a murder, rely on symbolism that only they get, and opt for an ear splitting soundtrack? God forbid, a student wanted to do something really different, something wildly controversial, and by that I mean (dare I say it?) “commercial”! Maybe prepare an actual script, include a story, do a comedy. Would the department stone them? I mean, it’s fine to be an “artist” but really, it’s okay not to bore the shit out of an audience.

When I was a student at UCLA the big thing was “the message.” Every film had to have a “message”. It didn’t have to be decipherable, just deep. Like me, my friend, Tom thought this was bullshit. But he knew how to play the game. Here’s his account of his student film.

******

Yes, the 8mm masterwork was "Meat, a film by Chuck Roast." It was an artsy, hand held, quick cut look at America's obsession with eating animal flesh: Hanging carcasses, muddy feed lots, Dad bringing home McBurgers to his glowing family all sitting expectantly at the table, including the dog. It ended with a mound of hamburger exploding in Antonioni-style slow motion.

The film students and faculty loved it and it earned an A.

I think it took about 8 days to make. Lab work by Sav-On.

*******
So my advice to all you future Scorceses about to run off and make your brilliant senior project film, ask yourself the following question: “Where’s the beef?”

When they don't laugh

First off,

If you ever wondered what I sounded like as a disc jockey...

GREAT BIG RADIO will run a one hour sample of my work from 1977 on KTNQ tonight at 7 p.m. West Coast time, 10 p.m. East Coast time. Relive all your favorite stiffs from the 70's and see why I got out of radio.

Now to the real post:

********

To be a TV comedy writer you have to have thick skin. Generally you’re in a room with other comedy writers, all neurotics, competing against each other to get your ideas or jokes in the script. Eight puppies and one sock.

Many times you’ll pitch a joke that doesn’t get a laugh or doesn’t get in. You’re out there with egg on your face. I find it’s best to develop a series of savers. As a public service, here are a few I use. (Note: if you find yourself using all of these in a five minute span consider other employment).

*******

Hey guys, don’t all hoist me on your shoulders at once!

Okay, but you’re denying America pleasure.

Oh God, it’s my prom night all over again.

If Jon Stewart pitched that you’d put it right in.

I hear laughter but I don’t see the pencil moving.

Okay, don’t see your kids tonight. Stay all night. I’m doing this for you. Some thanks I get.

Sure, it’s not funny when I say it. But when (actor) says it…

You’re only mad because you didn’t think of it first.

Nurse! They’re being mean to me again!

The laugh machine will LOVE it.

I bet at JERICO they’d be hysterical.

Fine. I wasn’t meant to be appreciated in my time.

I don’t feel the love, you assholes.

You try being funny when you’re having a stroke.

See it typed. You’ll think differently.

Okay, what if they said it in a funny accent?

I’m sorry. Are there no more seats at the Algonquin Round Table?

So you’re saying perfection isn’t good enough?

Hey, you hired me!

(In Forghorn Leghorn voice) I say, I say, I keep pitchin’ ‘em, boy, and you keep missin’ ‘em.

Jesus, people, doesn’t ANYTHING make you laugh?

You all remember. I used to be funny, right?

And of course, the ultimate saver and perennial crowd pleaser – Go fuck yourself.

Who's who on LOST

LOST is my favorite show. In preparation for Wednesday night’s season premiere, here are the handy character sketches you’ll need to be up to speed and fully enjoy the show.

******

JACK (Matthew Fox) – Handsome doctor who’s the unofficial leader of the castaways. You know that because his name is Jack. All alpha male drama stars are named Jack. God forbid an action hero is named Percy. Is hot for Kate. Still asks for insurance before providing medical aid.

KATE (Evangeline Lilly) – When not murdering people is charming and sexy. Gets caught in nets a lot. I love that about her. Every guy lusts for her even though they know she’s a homicidal fugitive. But, as Mel Gibson would say, “as long as she’s not Jewish.”

JOHN (Terry O’Quinn) – Believes everything is for a reason. Puts him in conflict with Jack who believes the actors are just making the stuff up. Father duped him out of a kidney. Caused a rift. Miraculously able to walk once on the island. Had he claimed it was Scientology would have been shot.

CHARLIE (Dominic Monaghan) – One hit wonder UK rock star. If rescued, the first thing he will do is fire his agent for this gig. Is drug addict. Known to snort trees and bushes. Loves new mother Claire. Nicknamed her baby “Turnip Head”. Doesn’t realize it’s a nickname.

CLAIRE (Emilie de Ravin) – Kidnapped and escaped while pregnant. Suspects captors did alien probe type tests on her. Abductors could get an extra five years tacked onto their sentence for that.

HURLEY (Jorge Garcia) – Been through this before. Survived the cancellation of BECKER. Won a $156 million lottery and has been cursed ever since. Until he won he didn’t realize he was 200 pounds overweight. Vocabulary includes, “Dude” and…well actually, that’s it.

MICHAEL (Harold Perrineau) – African-American. In order to get his kidnapped son back he shot two series regulars. But they were only season two regulars so he’s still considered an okay guy.

WALT (Malcolm David Kelley) – Nine year old son of Michael. Mystic powers. Conjured up a polar bear on the island. Grounded two weeks for that.

SAYID (Naveen Andrews) – Terrorist with heart of gold. Tortured people before it became non PC.

SAWYER (Josh Holloway) – Handsome bad boy. The guy all girls desire until they realize he’s terrible for them and marries an accountant named Percy instead.

JIN-SOON (Daniel Dae Kim) – Korean. Married to Sun. Went into her father’s business as thug. She doesn’t know her Dad is in Asian mafia. Horse head in bed was explained away as fraternity prank. Only speaks in sub-titles.

SUN (Yunjin Kim) Married to Jin-Soon. Learned English by watching MASH. Pregnant but husband is impotent. Someone’s in for a shock during May sweeps. Actually, two people.

MR. EKO (Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbale) – African African. Spiritual, mysterious, strong as hell. In another life the Indian in CUCKOO’S NEST or James Bond’s guide in DR. NO.

One for the Coach

Nick Colasanto, who played the Coach on CHEERS had a background that might surprise you. He directed quite a few episodes of HAWAII 5-0, COLUMBO, STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO, and numerous other hour shows. As an actor he usually played the heavy and had a featured role in RAGING BULL. His TV acting credits include every cop show with a one word title (MCCLOUD, MANNIX, IRONSIDES, COLUMBO, KOJAK, BARETTA, etc.) He was also a very prominent acting teacher in New York.

Director James Burrow said the great thing about Nicky is that you could swear he never saw the joke coming. But boy could he score. Half the time he got laughs on straight lines. Talk about a writer’s dream! And he was a wonderful person. Kind, generous, very much like the character he portrayed.

But Nick had trouble had memorizing scripts. As I mentioned, his lines were hidden everywhere. And I’m reminded of one story which is pretty much quintessential Nick.

After filming an episode one night the cast had to do promos for NBC. It was midnight. Everyone was tired. Not a great time for close ups, but still. Shelly was first. She was given the script, and dutifully pitched her lines.

Nick was next. We knew giving him a script was not a great idea so we talked the promo guy into just feeding Nick the lines right out of camera range.

Everyone got into positions. The promo guy said, “Thursday nights are going to be great on NBC.” Nick repeated it back, really selling it. We all looked at each other impressed. He did that better than Shelley.

The delighted promo man then said, “Friday nights are going to be great on NBC.” Nick parroted it back. The promo guy said, “once again.” Nick looked right into the camera and with great conviction said, “Once again!”

I miss you Coach. Once again.

********

STUDIO 60: week three

The first and only rule in comedy is don't take yourself too seriously. STUDIO 60 is like the Rand Corporation Think Tank doing a late night sketch show. King Arthur couldn't pull Excalibur out of anyone's asshole on that show. Yikes!!

The CHEERS set

My favorite reader comment so far:

I've gotten familiar with Becker through the syndication. Not familiar with "Cheers".

Well, among those who are familiar with CHEERS I received a request to talk about the set.

We filmed CHEERS on Stage 25 at Paramount Studios in Hollywood (but the seedier section of Hollywood).

The set was designed by Richard Sylbert, an Academy Award winner whose credits include CHINATOWN, REDS, WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF, ROSEMARY’S BABY, THE GRADUATE, and (ironically) LILITH.

It was patterned after the Bull & Finch bar in Boston. But the B&F is much smaller, and the bar itself is up against the back wall. The décor, Tiffany lamps, and stained glass is true to the B&F.

Director James Burrows had a lot of input into the design which is why it was so easy to shoot in it. You could bring cameras way up into the set, get many different and interesting angles, and even get shots all the way down the hall.

If you look closely you’ll notice a line that runs down the center of the bar. It’s on a hinge and actually the right half can swing around, allowing room for the right wall to swing back revealing Sam’s office.

There are lights underneath the bar pointing up. It was hard in the first few episodes to see Ted Danson’s eyes.

Nick Colasanto always had a tough time memorizing the script. There were dozens of his lines hidden underneath the bar.

The bar was functional. The CHEERS set was the best ever for show parties.

Whenever an outside set is needed the pool room set is struck.

There is a fourth wall section that was used a couple of times in the first season.

The audience bleachers sat 200. They were raised so even the front row could see over the cameras. To one side was a platform where a small band would play between scenes.

The beer served on tap was warm 3.2 beer. Do not envy George Wendt having to drink that swill every week.

The set was huge. If we wanted to pack the bar we needed 500 people. For our routine customers we used 30-40 extras. Anything else and the bar looked empty.

The guy who had the hardest job on the series was the prop master. Imagine keeping track of all the glasses, drinks, bowls, trays, pretzels, 5.457.432 lemons that Ted cut up every episode, etc.

The phone on the bar would move from end to end depending upon where we needed it.

The Wurlitzer jukebox was not functional. The piano was.

The set was lit differently after the first couple of episodes. Brighter, more inviting. If you have the DVD of the first season, notice the difference between the pilot and episodes later in the year.

In an effort to save money during our first season (when we were getting killed in the ratings not only by SIMON & SIMON but by TUCKER’S WITCH for Godsakes) the studio requested we start shooting the show on tape. A test scene was taped and the set looked ghastly. So much for that brilliant experiment.

The photo over the bar that is supposed to be Sam is really Boston Cy Young winning pitcher Jim Lonborg.

The wooden Indian at the front door was named Techumsa.

When the series finally wrapped I walked over to the stage to watch them strike the set. It was so upsetting I left after maybe two minutes. Of all the shows I worked on, CHEERS was my favorite. And no, I didn’t steal anything from the set. And yes, I’m an idiot. I should have. At least Techumsa.

Weekend loose ends

Congratulations to my beloved Dodgers for getting into postseason play. My wife is a huge Mets fan and my partner is a huge Yankees fan. I should be single and writing solo by mid October.

Vin Scully is the best baseball announcer that will ever be. Modern day baseball has been around for about 108 years. Scully has been there for more than HALF of it. Just think of all the World Series, no-hitters, perfect games, and beach balls this man has seen.

Newspapers are claiming that SURVIVOR caved under pressure by ending their race tribe experiment on week three. Uh…the shows were filmed in early June.

In order to get the TV section in the LA TIMES every week you now have to call and request it. The Sunday paper weighs one ton, 500 pounds of ads (and not all cute model ads either. Tires, and Target and that shit). Is this a new policy to save paper? No wonder the Tribune company is going out of business, the TV section.

What do you think FOX dreads more? Their Brad Garrett numbers or a San Diego-Minnesota World Series?

I was a Padres broadcaster when they won the division in 1996. I handled the post game locker room interviews for local TV. Driving home, drenched head to toe in cheap champagne and wreaking, I thought, man if a cop pulls me over I am really screwed.

I was at ABC the day after Ted Danson’s show premiered. I asked a network exec about the numbers. He said they were great. Later I asked another network exec the same question and she shook her head. Not good. And from this are decisions made.

When JACKASS NUMBER TWO is the number one boxoffice hit you know we’re only eight minutes away from Armageddon.

I can’t wait for the LOST season premiere.

I can more than wait for the return of Tim McCarver. For those, like me, who can’t stand him, this site is for you.

And if you're a Joe Morgan hater, you'll want to click here.

NIP/TUCK is one plotline away from Drs. Troy & McNamara doing a boob job on an extra terrestrial.

Is Katie Couric still anchoring the CBS EVENING NEWS?

Go Bums!!

HOUSE rules

I was walking recently and felt dizzy for a second. I stumbled a beat, regained my balance, the dizziness went away and that was that. No biggie…except my first thought was “Ohmygod, it’s the opening of HOUSE. I have some horrible bizarre medical problem and within hours I will be hanging on for my life.” HOUSE is absolutely the worst show a hypochondriac can watch, and yet…I LOVE IT.

Since this is another low traffic weekend (plus I now optimistically have twelve new readers) I thought I’d re-post an article explaining HOUSE I wrote back in February. Enjoy…or re-enjoy.

*******

If you’re writing a spec episode of HOUSE, here’s the format: Vibrant attractive Fox-friendly hottie in her 30’s suddenly collapses for no reason. Opening credits. House says it’s nothing, send her home. She goes into convulsions. For the next forty minutes the earnest young doctors misdiagnosis her, send her into cardiac arrest, remove something that doesn’t need removing, break into her house for an illegal search, send House in to brow beat and traumatize her, and finally he figures it out. It’s something obscure like she licks stamps with cyanide or swims in a toxic waste dump. Five minutes later she’s cured and goes home. Last scene – ironic music plays over as House sits alone in his…well…house, pensive and tortured.

House must answer every question with a smart remark, the young doctors must roll their eyes at least ten times, House must break the Hippocratic Oath, show up Lisa Edelstein, discuss his love life with the bemused Sean Robert Leonard, and watch garbage TV (otherwise who would know he’s “quirky”?).

Four out of five weeks it’s revealed that the patient was lying all along, covering something up. So instead of just confiding in a doctor they allow themselves to get prodded, probed, cut open, and wrongfully medicated to the point of cardiac arrest and kidney failure.

So you took birth control pills, Julie Warner? You didn’t want to have another baby. Is that worth involuntary flailing, psychotic episodes, internal bleeding, and losing part of your liver? Y’know. your health plan has to pay for this.

The hospital itself is the only one on the planet with glassed in patient rooms. If I was sick in bed and had bedpan accidents I’d sure want people strolling by my room all day. And although they spared no expense on the modern design of the facility, apparently they forgot to include Recovery Rooms and ICU. No matter how major the operation the patient is right back in their private room two hours later entertaining visitors.

And still….it’s my favorite doctor show and I watch it every week religiously. And the episode where the mystery disease was IgA nephrophathy – I guessed it.

Working with Robin Williams

First off, thanks to Defamer.com, James Wolcott, and Lance Mannion for recent referrals. Hopefully, of the thousands of new readers, six will bookmark and stay.

*****

A reader asked me recently to talk about my sordid days doing improv. I started in 1979. Disco was dying and I was looking for the next big thing. My partner, David and I sold a pilot to NBC about a Nichols & May type improv team. The concept was could a man and woman work together and just be friends (long before Sally faked her orgasm for Harry)? To research the arena I called Dee Marcus, director of the improv group OFF THE WALL (still in existence, still performing Friday nights in Santa Monica, and still hilarious) and asked if I could audit a class. She said only if I agreed to participate. I figured, what the hell? I couldn’t be much worse than the other beginners.

I arrived and was blown away by how unbelievably great everyone was. SNL quality people performing over a beauty school at Santa Monica Blvd. and Fairfax. These were the beginners? Shit! I was lucky to get through a scene without pissing on myself (although, I know I passed up a sure laugh) After a few trying weeks of this I learned Dee hadn't put me in the beginners class, she put me in the performance class. These were all the top professionals. (Thanks, Dee) The tip off came when Robin Williams showed up one night.

I stayed in the class for a couple of years, learned an enormous amount, and eventually became part of a comedy troop, THE SUNDAY FUNNIES. We played to crowds often fewer in number than the cast.

After many years of sabbatical I’ve recently started popping in on Andy Goldberg’s class. Of all the improv teachers he’s by far the best. As a comedy writer I recommend improv training. It teaches spontaneity, committing to a character, and creating scenes with beginnings, middles, and ends. The hardest part is going to a deli afterwards and watching your classmates eat fried kreplachs at 11 at night.

One story about Robin. Needless to say, doing scenes with him was an adventure. He is so fast and brilliant he just uses you like a prop. One night I got called up to do a two person scene with him. If you were lucky you sometimes could get in two words. The scene began, he went off in fifteen different directions. I didn't even know what the hell he was talking about. Finally, I heard a beat of silence. He must've been taking a breath. Now's my chance, I thought. I don't know why but the only thing I could think to say was "fuck you". Much to my surprise it got a laugh. He was off and running for two more minutes of inspired word jazz and then it was my turn again. Since it got a laugh the first time I said, "fuck you". It got an even bigger laugh. This became the scene. Robin riffing, me occasionally blurting out "fuck you". And every time I got the biggest laughs.

When the scene was over I worried that Robin would be pissed that I upstaged him. Instead, he took me aside and said, “that was great.” I consider it one of my greatest achievements in comedy.

And I guess he remembers it because every time I see him the first thing he says to me is “Fuck you!”

*****

p.s.

For info on OFF THE WALL just click here.

Loitering at the water cooler

Not to turn this into a STUDIO 60 blog but with all the comments I thought I’d take one more day to offer additional thoughts. Tomorrow, I promise, on to new a new topic – me having to act in a scene with Robin Williams. Picture Fred Astaire and his cane. But for now…

*******

I’m waiting to see Aaron Sorkin write an actual funny sketch. Maybe that Krazy Kristians sketch we’ve heard so much about for two weeks.

Fellow writers, when you saw the scene where Matthew Perry viewed his writing staff as all hacks, didn’t you think in the back of your mind that that’s what Aaron Sorkin thinks of all of us?

And so again I say, let’s see an Aaron Sorkin penned FUNNY sketch.

When have you ever seen a press conference to welcome new showrunners? To get any show biz reporter to show up the network would have to provide a lavish buffet, goody bags, and the only other entertainment story of the day would have to be the DVD release of EMILY’S REASONS WHY NOT. In reality, what are you going to ask these guys? “What are you going to do different?” to which they would respond, “Uh, tune in Friday night and see.”? Then back to Amanda Peet for, “Thank you for coming, ladies and gentlemen. Grab a plate. The food stations are now open. All we ask is that you don’t fill your pockets.”

Brad Whitford, as great as he is, is still Josh from WEST WING to me.

The weeklong countdown clock that Matt Perry says would drive anyone nuts – try having to reset it every 108 minutes and then come talk to me.

In the original pilot script, dated October 6, 2005 the network name was UBS.

Steven Weber is still the best thing in the show. He is soulless and delicious. How does one get from WINGS to this? Do THE SHINING in the middle.

Doesn’t NBS have bigger things to worry about than their Friday night 11:30 pm sketch show? How good can their prime time line up be? Let’s see Amanda deal with Dick Wolf.

If you polled a studio audience of SNL and asked who Gilbert & Sullivan were, I bet most would say two of the Chipmunks.

Is John Mauceri considered stunt casting? Jesus, when we were doing ALMOST PERFECT the network said no to Angie Dickinson.

It’s hard to root for people who are all beautiful, talented, rich, and could get another job in a minute. At least if the gang from WEST WING screwed up there’d be thermonuclear war. Here, the affiliate in Jewhate, Arkansas pre-empts the show.

But for all its flaws I still find STUDIO 60 fascinating and will watch again next week.

And yet, at the end of the day I bet the Tina Fey show will be more realistic and funnier.