My favorite FRASIER script

Returned home just in time for a big rain storm. Thanks again to Peter Casey. I see my hits are way up. But now that I'm back on my own blog I can expect the traffic to plummet to normal levels.

For you FRASIER fans and new readers, earlier this year I posted an entire act of a FRASIER my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote -- "Room Service". It's the episode where Niles slept with Lilith and of the many FRASIERS we wrote it's my favorite. You've heard the story of FRASIER. Here's what a script looks like. It's longer than my usual posts but what the hell? I love this episode.

********

INT. LILITH’S HOTEL ROOM – MORNING

NILES AND LILITH IN BED.

LILITH

My God. What did we do? What did we do?

NILES

Well, first we –

LILITH

I know what we did. What do we do now?

NILES

Let’s just try to stay calm. These things happen. They happen every day. (losing it) Every day in Arkansas! Why did you have to look so damned bewitching all evening?

LILITH

Oh, so it was my fault, Mr. Sweet-and-Attentive? Why’d you have to drive me home and walk me to my door?

NILES

The way the moonlight bathed your alabaster shoulders –

LILITH

Your sensitive and manly touch –

NILES

Yours too.

LILITH

Take me.

THEY DIVE FOR EACH OTHER BUT THEN PULL UP SHORT.

LILITH

We’ve got to resist this. It’s wrong.

NILES

Of course it is. Last night was simply two wounded people acting out of loneliness and confusion.

LILITH

Not to mention four bottles of wine. But for whatever reasons we’re here, we must never let this happen again.

NILES

Yes, of course. (beat) But just to clarify…because of the ramifications of our indiscretion or, because, you know…?

LILITH

You were fine. My God, you Crane men.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

NILES

(panicking) Who’s that?

LILITH

Don’t panic. No one knows we’re here.

NILES

I told Frasier I was driving you home.

LILITH

(now panicking) Why did you do a stupid thing like that?

NILES

It wasn’t stupid at the time. How did I know the minute we got inside this room you’d be on me like a hawk on a titmouse?

ANOTHER KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

(sotto) Just be quiet.

LILITH GETS UP, THROWS ON HER ROBE, AND CROSSES TO THE DOOR.

LILITH

Who is it?

WAITER (OC)

Room service, Ma’am.

LILITH

(relieved, to Niles) Oh, that’s right. We ordered breakfast last night.

LILITH OPENS THE DOOR AND LETS IN THE ROOM SERVICE WAITER. HE ENTERS, ROLLING A BREAKFAST CART INTO THE ROOM. HE’S A CHIPPER FELLOW.

WAITER

Good morning, Ma’am, Sir.

THE WAITER STARTS TO SET UP BREAKFAST AT THE TABLE.

WAITER

I have eggs Benedict and eggs Florentine.

LILITH

Did you bring ketchup?

WAITER

Oh, No, I’m sorry. Let me go get that for you right now.

NILES

Ketchup on eggs Florentine?

WAITER

(Joking) Oh, your first breakfast together?

LILITH

Just get it!

THE WAITER EXITS. NILES GETS OUT OF BED AND SLIPS ON A BATHROBE.

NILES

Now I remember ordering this. It’s the breakfast I always order after a night of passion.

LILITH

Eggs Benedict…very rich.

NILES

Well, I only have it once a year. (then) Let’s dig in.

THEY SIT AT THE TABLE. THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

LILITH

That was quick.

LILITH CROSSES TO THE DOOR AND IS JUST ABOUT TO OPEN IT WHEN THEY HEAR:

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith, are you awake?

A STARTLED NILES AND LILITH SPEAK IN HUSHED TONES.

LILITH

It’s Frasier!

NILES

What do we do?

NILES NEARLY KNOCKS THE TRAY OVER GETTING UP.

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith?

LILITH

Just a second.

NILES

Why did you answer?

LILITH

I don’t know. I’m not very good at this. Hide in the bathroom.

THEY BOTH DART FOR THE BATHROOM.

NILES

No, not you!

LILITH

Here, take the cart with you.

NILES STARTS TO PUSH THE CART INTO THE BATHROOM. THEN:

NILES

Food in the bathroom?

LILITH

Go!

LILITH SHOVES NILES AND THE CART INTO THE BATHROOM, KNOCKING NILES DOWN.

FRASIER (OC)

Lilith? Lilith?

LILITH

Coming.

LILITH RUNS TO THE DOOR, FEIGNS COMPLETE INSOUCIANCE AND OPENS THE DOOR.

LILITH

Hello, Frasier. What are you doing here?

FRASIER

Surrendering, Lilith.

FRASIER ENTERS. HE HEADS TOWARDS LILITH AND TRIES TO KISS HER.

LILITH

But Frasier –

FRASIER

Oh, don’t punish me because I played hard to get last night. It took everything I had to resist you.

LILITH

But Frasier, this is wrong.

FRASIER

Who cares? Can you honestly say when you were lying in bed last night you weren’t thinking about me?

LILITH CONSIDERS A MOMENT.

LILITH

Yes.

FRASIER

Oh, drop the mask, Lilith. We both know why you came to Seattle. We both know why you dressed so enticingly last night.

FRASIER HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH.

FRASIER

Is someone in your bathroom?

LILITH

No, it’s a …defective toilet. Did that all last night. I’d better check it.

LILITH DASHES INTO THE BATHROOM.

INT. BATHROOM

NILES IS SITTING ON THE TOILET, ASLEEP. THEY TALK IN WHISPERS.

LILITH

Niles!

NILES

(startled awake)

Yes?

LILITH

You fell asleep and flushed the toilet.

NILES

Damn. Is he still here?

LILITH

Yes.

NILES

What does he want?

LILITH

He wants to make love to me.

NILES

Does the man have no scruples? He specifically asked me last night to keep him away from you and then the minute my back is turned he sneaks over here and yes, I’m aware of the irony.

LILITH

I’ll just ask him to leave.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

LILITH RETURNS. FRASIER HAS REMOVED HIS CLOTHES AND IS NOW IN A BATHROBE.

LILITH

Oh dear God.

FRASIER

Oh, drop this charade, Lilith – you’re not even convincing.

LILITH

I think I’m going to be sick.

FRASIER

Well, that had a ring of truth to it…

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WAITER (OC)

Room service.

LILITH

Go away.

WAITER (OC)

I have your ketchup, Ma’am.

LILITH

Not necessary.

WAITER (OC)

Okay, but I need the bill.

LILITH

Later.

FRASIER

Let’s just take care of this.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. THE WAITER ENTERS WITH A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP. DURING THE FOLLOWING THE WAITER NOTICES THERE’S A DIFFERENT MAN IN A BATHROBE.

WAITER

Sorry to disturb you. Here’s your ketchup… Sorry it took so long.

LILITH, WHO’S STANDING BEHIND FRASIER, SIGNALS THE WAITER NOT TO SAY ANYTHING.

WAITER

I’ll still need the bill. Where’s the cart?

LILITH

In the bathroom.

FRASIER

Why is the breakfast cart in the bathroom?

LILITH

Uh…I was going to take a hot bath while I ate.

FRASIER

Still, Lilith…food in the bathroom?

LILITH

Be back in a second.

LILITH GOES INTO THE BATHROOM.

FRASIER

This is a little embarrassing. My ex-wife. We’re sort of reconnecting.

WAITER

Yes, Sir. That’s wonderful.

FRASIER

And who knows? It might work out this time.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

LILITH COMES BACK WITH THE BILL.

LILITH

There you go. There’s a generous, generous tip there for you.

WAITER

Thank you, Ma’am.

FRASIER

Listen, while you’re here, would you please bring me up some eggs Benedict? Silly for her to eat alone.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

THE WAITER EXITS.

FRASIER

Now where were we?

LILITH

Look, I don’t think it’s a good time for this.

FRASIER TAKES LILITH’S HANDS.

FRASIER

Why not, my darling? We’re here. We’re finally alone. You need your Frasier.

FROM THE BATHROOM WE HEAR A LOUD CRASH AS THE BREAKFAST CART GOES OVER.

FRASIER

(crossing to the bathroom) What the hell was that?

LILITH

Frasier, stop. Don’t go in –

INT. BATHROOM

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. NILES IS LYING SPRAWLED ON THE TOPPLED BREAKFAST CART.

FRASIER

Niles!

NILES

(sitting up) Yes?

FRASIER

Oh my God!

LILITH

I’m so sorry. We didn’t mean for this to happen.

FRASIER

Oh my God!

NILES

She’s telling the truth. It was a mistake. A stupid mistake.

FRASIER

Stop it, Niles. I don’t want to hear how or why or – I just want to get out of here.

FRASIER EXITS THE HOTEL ROOM.

LILITH

Frasier! Frasier!

BUT HE’S OUT THE DOOR.

NILES

This is my worst nightmare.

LILITH

You have egg on your face.

NILES

That’s an understatement. I’m mortified. I –

LILITH

No. Actual egg. It’s in your hair, too.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. LILITH OPENS IT AND FRASIER COMES BACK INTO THE HOTEL ROOM.

NILES

I knew you couldn’t stay mad at us.

FRASIER

I’m in a bathrobe, you jackass.

FRASIER BEGINS COLLECTING HIS CLOTHES AS SOMETHING DAWNS ON LILITH.

LILITH

I can understand your shock and – believe me, if I could erase everything that happened last night I would. But if you look at this rationally for a moment, we didn’t technically do anything wrong.

FRASIER

What?! You didn’t do anything wrong?

NILES

I’m a little unclear on that myself but I’m willing to go along with it.

LILITH

You and I are no longer married. Neither is Niles. I won’t say this is my shining hour but we’re not responsible to you or anyone else for our actions.

NILES

(jumping on the bandwagon) Right! And I’m frankly insulted by your outburst.

FRASIER

I can’t believe this! You’re actually defending what you did?

LILITH

Just listen. The past few days have been the worst of my life. I’ve never felt less self-assured, more in need of validation, both as a person and as a woman. And Niles was feeling the same thing.

NILES

Exactly. (realizing) Wait a minute.

LILITH

(to Frasier) Our physical reaction to each other was nothing more than a desperate attempt to reaffirm our own worth.

FRASIER

Very impressive, Lilith. But I happen to be a psychiatrist too. Let me tell you what really transpired. This is a passive-aggressive manifestation of the deep resentments that you both have toward me. You were punishing me for my notoriety. My successful adjustment after our marriage. It is this shared bond that brought you two to your palace of sweet revenge.

LILITH

Allow me to rebut: What a crock.

FRASIER

It is not!

LILITH

This is yet another example of your complete self-absorption and the reason we could not stay together in the first place.

FRASIER

I think I have a right to -- why am I defending myself?

NILES

If you ask me, you’re both off the mark. Last night was all about two people ruled by very strong superegos, tortured by them, who had a chance, however misguided, to break through and rediscover their ids together. Call me an old softy, but that’s how I see it.

FRASIER

(a beat, then) Okay, then… the three of us have certainly analyzed the crap out of this.

LILITH

Where does that leave us?

NILES

Yes. Where do we all go from here?

FRASIER

(after a beat) I don’t know.

THERE’S AN AWKWARD SILENCE. A CELL PHONE RINGS IN THE CLOSET.

NILES

Oh, that’s mine.

NILES GOES TO THE CLOSET TO SEARCH FOR HIS CELL PHONE.

LILITH

You realize if you had simply given in to me last night instead of this morning, the three of us wouldn’t be in this hell?

FRASIER

No, it would be the two of us in a whole different hell.

NILES

(into phone) Niles Crane… Absolutely not. We agreed on a figure… Well that’s too damned bad. I’ve been manipulated enough by you jackals. I’ll see you in court. (hangs up) The very idea that Maris would still think… (realizes) Hey, wait a minute… I’m not sleeping. By all rights the strain of that conversation should have caused me to go out like a light. And instead I feel alert. Almost invigorated.

LILITH

It’s not surprising. Your experience with Maris over the past few months has been emasculating. Last night may have gone a long way toward restoring your self-confidence.

NILES

Yes. And by the same token, you can give up the neurotic assumption that Brian left you because you’re not attractive. You’ve had ample evidence to the contrary.

LILITH

Yes, I have. To hell with Brian. If he wants a doting little wife he can keep Stan.

FRASIER

Well, this just worked out great for everyone, didn’t it? You two solved your problems. The waiter got a handsome tip. Come on, everyone, on my cue… a rousing chorus of “Oh Happy Day.”

LILITH

Please try to understand.

NILES

Yes, what happened was nothing more than –

FRASIER

Oh, stop it, both of you. Enough. It happened, and I’m going to have to deal with it. (then) I suppose in a twisted way there is one positive in this for me. You see, Lilith, I have never stopped desiring you, even though we are completely wrong for each other. But now, from this day forward, whenever I look at your face, I’ll see the back of my brother’s head, and that’s better than a dead horse any day.

LILITH

Well, I’m glad to hear that… I suppose. You know, Frasier –

FRASIER

Enough, Lilith.

LILITH

All right. Maybe I’ll just go have some breakfast.

LILITH GOES INTO THE BATHROOM. THERE’S AN AWKWARD SILENCE. FRASIER AND NILES DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO EACH OTHER. FINALLY:

NILES

Are we okay?

FRASIER

No, we’re not. (beat) But we will be.

NILES

Well that’s enough for now. (then) We’re an odd little family, aren’t we?

FRASIER

Yeah, like the one in Deliverance.

THERE’S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR.

WAITER (OC)

Room service.

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR. THE WAITER ENTERS WITH ANOTHER BREAKFAST CART.

WAITER

Here’s the eggs Benedict, and --

THE WAITER LOOKS AROUND AND NOTICES THERE’S NO LILITH, JUST TWO MEN IN BATHROBES.

WAITER

Ohh-kay.

AND HE TURNS AND EXITS, AS WE:

FADE OUT. THE END.

A touching Christmas story

Winging back to Los Angeles. Thanks again to Peter Casey. I'll have more FRASIER stuff when I get home tomorrow.

In the meantime...

I posted this a year ago but some Christmas stories are just so touching they need to be retold every year. Gather the whole family and enjoy this new holiday tradition.

********
One of the many reasons I became a writer is that I got tired of being fired as a disc jockey. Today marks the anniversary of the last time I signed off my show with “see you tomorrow” and was never heard from again.

1974, I’m Beaver Cleaver on KSEA, San Diego, playing “The Night Chicago Died” and “Billy Don’t Be a Hero” five times a night and seriously considering blowing my brains out. Yes, I know – why “Beaver Cleaver”? Ken Levine sounded too Jewish. (Reelradio.com has some of my embarrassing airchecks.)

The fall rating book came out, the numbers were not good, and at 3:00 I was told to hurry down to the station for an all-important staff meeting at 4:00. We all assembled and were told the station had decided to change formats to gospel and we were all being let go. “Even me?” I said in mock amazement. “Especially you.” “But I could change my name to Eldridge Cleaver.” “I’m going to need your station key”.

Quick aside: a year earlier at KMEN San Bernardino they wanted to get rid of me by moving me from the evening shift to the all-night show. The cheap bastards were hoping I’d quit so they wouldn’t have to pay severance (maybe $300 at most) and be on the hook for unemployment insurance. I asked the program director to at least do the humane thing and fire my sorry ass. “Nope”, he said, “Starting tonight you’re midnight to six.” So I stopped off at the local record store, picked up an LP, and dutifully reported on time for my shift.

Like KSEA, we were a high energy Top 40 station. (Our program director was in love with WLS whose slogan was “the Rock of Chicago” so we became the much catchier “Rock of the Inland Empire”.) I signed on and started playing the hits. Then at 12:30 segued smartly into FIDDLER ON THE ROOF….in Yiddish. The entire album. I was fired during “Anatefka”.

Back to the KSEA staff meeting -- Our morning man, Natural Neil asked when this format change was taking place. A month? A week? The program director looked at his watch and said “45 minutes”. And with that we were all canned. KSEA was gone…along with the promotion we were running at the time --

“Christmas the way it was meant to be!”

FRASIER starring Lisa Kudrow??

Peter Casey, one of the creators of FRASIER, has been kind enough to share with us the complete story of how that classic series came to be. Here’s the final segment. Again, thanks Peter. GREAT stuff and it’s nice to have a couple days off.

**********
As I mentioned earlier, Roz was the least developed of all the main characters in the pilot. We hadn’t really come up with a definitive take on her, so as a result, we told our casting director, Jeff Greenberg, to bring us the whole rainbow coalition of actresses to read for the part. We saw every age and ethnic background. We read dozens of actresses. One thing we felt pretty sure about was that we wanted the character to be ballsy and salty. She was supposed to be someone who Frasier was smarter than, more educated than, but was completely inferior to in the setting of the radio station. That was her stomping ground and she was the alpha dog there.

After all the casting sessions we had narrowed our choice to two actresses; Peri Gilpin and Lisa Kudrow. Lisa didn’t exactly fit the mold of what we were looking for in terms of a strong-willed character, but she was really funny. Her quirkiness made lines that weren’t intended as jokes hilarious. So we brought both of the ladies to NBC for the executives to see. Both read, and in the end it was decided to cast Lisa.

Shortly thereafter we had the first reading of the script. It was the first time we gathered the whole cast together. Paramount and NBC executives were there. Agents and managers were there. And apparently the guardian angel of comedy was somewhere in that room, too, because the reading was hysterical. Huge laughs. Everyone felt we were embarking on something very special. As is always the case, the script was long and there were jokes that either needed sharpening or were just plain duds so we set about re-writing. This is how each day of the pilot production went; the cast would rehearse, the writers would come to the stage in the afternoon for a run-thru, then we’d go back to the offices to re-write and cut.

By the third day of rehearsals it was becoming apparent to Jim Burrows, Kelsey, and the three of us that things weren’t going so well with Lisa as Roz. Although she remained funny in her quirky way, we found that each day we were re-writing the character less strong because Lisa just didn’t play forceful. More importantly, what Jimmy noticed was that Kelsey was pulling back in scenes with her because if he went all out like he usually did, he completely overpowered her. This was a big problem. We didn’t want the star of the show to have to compensate like that in every scene with one of the regulars, so with great regret we called Lisa and told her we were going to have to recast the part. We felt awful because she was a really, really lovely person with whom to work. And I know she was heartbroken that it had come to this, but she handled it with a lot of class. (Our consciences were assuaged the next year when she was cast in FRIENDS)

Jeff Greenberg contacted Peri, who was having lunch at a restaurant, and told her to report to Paramount the next day to play Roz. Jeff said he could hear her scream from across town without needing the phone.

So, finally our cast was set. From that point on through the rest of rehearsals things went smoothly. We re-wrote Roz back to her original character and Peri made it work wonderfully.

Our art director, Roy Christopher, had created amazing sets for us, and he would be rewarded that first year with an Emmy nomination. Frasier’s condo was stylish and contemporary with multi-levels and lots of doors and hallways to provide us with a multitude of exits and entrances. It had a piano (which both Kelsey and David could play) for a big prop and a balcony (equipped to rain when needed) and that gorgeous Seattle skyline (day and night). The radio station was modeled on the KABC radio studios in Los Angeles which we had visited while doing research. Café Nervosa was completely Roy’s creation and was designed so our character could sit and play a scene at any table in the café (after all, you rarely get the same table every time you go into your favorite haunt)

The night we filmed the pilot was magic. We’d had a dress rehearsal that afternoon with an audience (the first time we’d let the public see the show) and it had gone better than we could’ve hoped. They were laughing from the beginning to the end. And when Jimmy Burrows finally called out, “That’s our show!”, the audience rose to their feet for a standing ovation. We all said we should’ve filmed that show because that evening’s audience couldn’t be any better…but they were. Again, big laughs in all the right places and again a standing ovation. Two things about that filming have stood out over the years for me. First, Jane Leeves had invited her friend, Valerie Bertinelli, to the filming. Valerie must’ve really loved the show because you can hear her laugh all the way through the show on the soundtrack. Second, all the NBC executives were in a glassed-in booth above the back of the audience during the filming. At one point during Frasier’s first scene with his father, Martin makes a sarcastic remark about his ratty chair fitting in with Frasier’s expensive furniture because “it’s eclectic.” It’s a great callback joke from earlier in the scene and the audience just erupted. I turned around and looked up to the NBC booth to see their reactions. Not only were they all laughing, but all I could see of Warren Littlefield, the president, was the soles of his shoes because was tilted back in his chair he was laughing so hard. I nudged David Angell, pointed to Warren’s shoes and said, “We’re in.”

Our biggest struggle after filming the pilot was cutting it down to time. We were something like six minutes long, which is a lot. We cut and cut and cut some more. We cut things we liked and we cut things we loved. Still, after 6 or 7 passes at the show we were still a minute long. We felt we had cut it to the bare bones. Any more cuts could damage the show so we went to Paramount with our dilemma. Thankfully, they agreed with us and asked NBC to give us some extra time. After viewing what we hoped would be our final cut, NBC agreed to give us that extra minute which was a very big favor. So, how do they come up with that extra minute of programming time for us? Don’t think that all they have to do is cut a commercial or two. Are you crazy? That’s money. No, to give us that extra minute, they asked the three other comedies and one drama on that Thursday night to each cut 15 seconds out of their programs. It’s not something that’s done very often and it’s not something the network likes to do, but for that pilot of Frasier they felt it was worth it.

Well, that about covers the creative process that went into FRASIER. I want to thank Ken Levine, funnyman, baseball announcer, and longtime friend for inviting me as a guest on his blog. And I would also especially like to thank you, the fans of FRASIER. You’re the reason we ran for eleven wonderful years and the reason you can still see the show in syndication. I wish I could buy each of you a grande nonfat double espresso latte with caramel, but then I’d have to create another hit series.

GOOD NIGHT, SEATTLE!!!!

More FRASIER

Why didn’t anybody warn me it’s cold in New York in December?

This is part two of Peter Casey’s three part account of how he and his partners created one of television’s classic sitcoms, FRASIER

*********

Niles wasn’t in the initial concept for the show. He came about through one of the greatest strokes of luck in tv history. Our assistant casting director at the time, Sheila Guthrie, came into our office one day with and 8x10 headshot of David Hyde Pierce and said, “Have you guys thought of Frasier having a brother because this actor really looks like he could be related to Kelsey.” We said we hadn’t thought of that (because we had just done a show, WINGS, about brothers), but was David any good as an actor? She said he was wonderful and left us some tapes of a failed series DHP had been a regular on called THE POWERS THAT BE. We watched the tapes and were blown away so we began creating the character who became Niles. After we had a good outline of the character we arranged to meet David at our offices. We pitched him the character and the series concept (what we had at the time) and asked if he was interested. He said he was so we had the studio set about making a deal with him.

Shortly thereafter, we felt we had a good enough concept to pitch to NBC so a meeting was set up with Warren Littlefield who was president of the network at that time. We went to his office in Burbank. In the meeting were the three of us and John Pike and John Symes representing Paramount Studios, and Warren, Perry Simon, and Jamie Tarses representing NBC. This was immediately encouraging to us because quite often the network will populate these pitch meetings with lots of lower level executives who tend to clog up the room and they frankly never laugh at anything unless the boss does. This was actually a small, influential group for us to pitch to. For years we had told NBC we would never do a family comedy situated in a living room. It wasn’t our style. We were more into the “gang” workplace comedy style of a CHEERS, or TAXI, so when David Lee started the meeting by saying, “You’re not going to believe this, but from the guys who said they’d never do a family comedy…” Perry Simon literally fell off the couch onto the floor. Funny reaction, the ice was broken. We proceeded with our pitch and something amazing happened. The network people never interrupted us. Usually they are constantly butting in with questions or their own suggestions to make it better, but they just listened to us. It was the best pitch I’ve ever been a part of. Each time we’d introduce a new character, we’d reference it with an actor we used as a template. So when we pitched Niles, we said think of David Hyde Pierce. That’s when something else amazing happened. At the mention of DHP’s name, Warren said, “We love him. If you can get him, he’s pre-approved.” This was huge. It meant we didn’t have to go through the tedious process of reading dozens of actors for the part, then bring a couple of them to the network to read for their approval. If the network rejected them, we would read dozens more. With this, if a deal could be struck with DHP, he was in. When we pitched the character of Martin, we said to picture John Mahoney. Warren said if we could get John, he was also pre-approved. Awesome. Martin’s home care worker was based on the therapist from our other idea for Kelsey, so we said to picture Rosie Perez. Warren asked if we ever pictured her as English because NBC loved Jane Leeves. If we went that way, Jane would be pre-approved. Whoa. That’s darn near the whole cast without having to jump through the network casting hoops. The only character we were vague about was Roz because quite frankly we didn’t have a handle on her yet.

When we finished the pitch, there was silence in the room for about a minute as Warren, Perry and Jamie let it sink in. Then they looked at each other and nodded and Warren said, “Go do it”. Incredible. Not a single network note. No changes. They loved it.

About halfway through writing the pilot script, Kerry McCluggage, the new President of Paramount Television, told us that he had spoken with John Mahoney regarding playing Frasier’s father. Kerry had a relationship with John dating back to Kerry’s days at Universal Studios where John had done a dramatic series called “The Human Factor.” John said he would like to meet with us and discuss FRASIER. We said that was great and could Kerry set up a meeting. He told us he had, but there was a catch. John wasn’t coming to meet us. We were going to meet John and that meant the three of us were flying to Chicago because that’s where John lived. The plan was we’d fly in the morning, arrive in the afternoon, have dinner with John, then return to LA the next morning. We were on a roll with the script so we weren’t thrilled about having to break our momentum. On the other hand, dinner in Chicago with John Mahoney sounded pretty cool so we went. It was late January or early February, cold, with snow on the ground, but what did we care? Paramount put us up at The Four Seasons and had provided us with a car and driver. We met John and Kerry at a restaurant called Shaw’s Crab House. Being a member of the Steppenwolf Theatre Company, John was quite a local celebrity, so restaurant patrons were constantly stopping by the table or waving across the room. John was absolutely charming with everyone. Over dinner we pitched John the series concept, went into the character of Martin and his relationship with Frasier, and outlined the plot of the pilot episode. John was definitely interested, but he wouldn’t commit until he had read the pilot. Fair enough. We returned to LA the next morning and resumed writing with renewed enthusiasm picturing John Mahoney as Martin Crane.

It took us another week to finish the script, so two weeks total. I have to say it was one of the easiest scripts I’ve ever written. Everything seemed to flow naturally. This gave us a very good feeling about the project, but of course you never know how others are going to react to it. We sent it over to the Paramount executive offices and the response was overwhelmingly positive. Kerry McCluggage immediately FedEx’d it to John Mahoney. The next day we received an enthusiastic “yes” from John. Months later in LA, John told me he’d read through a two foot stack of pilots before the FRASIER script arrived and our script was so superior that it was the only project he wanted to do. So we had the main male roles cast and we felt great about them. Now it was time to cast our female leads.

As I said earlier, Warren Littlefield had endorsed Jane Leeves for the part of the home care worker. While we were writing the script we still hadn’t made up our minds whether she should be Hispanic or English. We didn’t make that decision until we literally reached the point in the script where Frasier hears the doorbell ring and goes to answer it. At that point there was no more stalling. Our first instinct was to try English so that’s what we did. Daphne turned out to be quite a quirky fun character and we really enjoyed writing her in the pilot. When Kelsey read the script he wasn’t as enthused and was evasive about his reasons. We had Jane come in and read for us and she was fantastic. We loved her immediately and called Kelsey to see if he could come over and read with her. He was kind of grumpy about the whole idea and he arrived at our offices in a bit of a dark mood. We pulled him aside and asked what the problem was and after some hemming and hawing he said that he worried that having an English housekeeper with Frasier would look like the old sitcom “Nanny and the Professor” which he was not a fan of. We felt the Frasier/Daphne relationship was nothing like that and pleaded with him to read with Jane. Finally, he begrudgingly agreed, but said it would be just the two of them in the room. David, David and I would have to wait outside. He went in, closed the door, and we were left in the outer office sweating. About one minute later the door flew open, Kelsey strode past us saying, “She’s in,” and left. We talked to him later and he told us his worries about “Nanny and the Professor” dissolved immediately when they started reading together and that Jane was really funny. Yahoo! We had almost our whole cast and hadn’t been required to take a single network casting meeting. That was going to end in a big way when we tried to cast the character of Roz.

*******

Tomorrow, the concluding chapter of Peter Casey’s look back at the creation of FRASIER.

How FRASIER came to be

While I’m in New York, I have a guest blogger. Be nice to the substitute teacher, kids.

A number of readers have asked about the creation of FRASIER. Instead of giving my version, which has ME responsible for the whole thing, I asked Peter Casey, one of the show’s creators if he wouldn’t mind telling you the real story. Not only was he gracious enough to say yes but he filed a wonderfully detailed and comprehensive account. There’s even stuff that I didn’t know… and I was there. Enjoy!

Ken

*************
Hello, everybody from beautiful Los Angeles, California. Peter Casey here, co-creator of FRASIER. I want to thank Ken Levine for offering me this space on his blog and I especially want to thank those of you who showed such interest in the creation of FRASIER.

As best I can recall, and these days that’s a real iffy proposition, we (David Lee, David Angell, and myself) were approached by Kelsey Grammer in the spring or summer of 1993. He wanted to know if we would be interested in creating a new tv series in which he would star. He felt that CHEERS was coming to an end and it was time for him to have his own show. At the time, the three of us were working on our first creation, WINGS. The previous season on WINGS, Kelsey and Bebe Neuwirth had been guest stars on a very funny episode written by Ken Levine and David Isaacs. We had worked for a number of years with Kels on CHEERS, and he apparently enjoyed the WINGS experience and hoped that we could re-unite.

David, David, and I had always felt that the Frasier character was the most interesting and complex on CHEERS. However, we were skittish about doing a spin off of one of the most popular sitcoms of all time. When we had created WINGS, most of the reviews were favorable, but the phrase, “CHEERS in an airport” was mentioned a few times and not in a favorable fashion. We frankly feared that anything we created for Frasier would pale in comparison to CHEERS. Kelsey wasn’t particularly interested in continuing the character of Frasier either, so we came up with a new concept. Kelsey would play this very high-brow, eccentric multi-millionaire publisher (think Malcom Forbes) in New York who was paralyzed from the waist down in a motorcycle accident. He would run his publishing empire from his bed in his fabulous Manhattan penthouse. His live-in nurse would be a very street smart, dedicated Hispanic woman (we pictured Rosie Perez) who would be a thorn in his side, but bring out the humanity in him.

Kelsey liked it, Paramount hated it. They said we were crazy if we didn’t capitalize on the popularity of CHEERS and the huge audience that would tune in to the finale. They ultimately persuaded Kelsey they were right and when he told us he was willing to do the CHEERS spin-off, we reluctantly agreed.

Okay, we’d do a CHEERS spin-off, but there was no way it was going to stay in Boston. NBC was enamored of this scheduling stunt called the crossover. A crossover is when a character from one series “crosses over” and appears as that character on another series. We did it on WINGS with Norm and Cliff and also with Frasier and Lillith. It was logical because Nantucket is not that far from Boston and we were struggling some in the ratings. It gives the show a temporary bump in the numbers, but you frankly don’t feel good about yourself. You’d like your show to succeed on its own merits and not need a boost from another show. We only did those two on WINGS, but we felt if Frasier stayed in Boston, NBC would be demanding guest appearances from all the CHEERS cast throughout the first season. How could we form our own identity and make people forget we were offspring of CHEERS if those characters were constantly visiting Frasier? So, we decided to move Frasier out west.

Our original city was Denver, but soon after that decision the state of Colorado voted in a law, with which we disagreed, that was very unfavorable toward gays. So we decided to move Frasier even farther west. Kids, it doesn’t get much farther west than Seattle. Ultimately, it was a much better choice. Seattle was pretty cutting edge at that time. It was the center of the grunge scene, the coffee revolution was taking off, it had a great arts community, and their restaurants were exploring new and exciting cuisines. All in all, it was fertile ground for Frasier and an inconvenient schlep across the country for the CHEERS gang. We didn’t have a problem having Lilith visit because she was his ex-wife and they shared a son. It was organic. The other characters would take some fancy footwork, but after the show established itself that first season, we didn’t have a problem doing one CHEERS character a season.

The original concept was for Frasier to work in the radio station surrounded by a group of wacky, yet loveable characters. (The term “wacky, yet loveable” is music to the ears of the network execs. “Stern, yet despicable” gets you shown the door) This idea came from a story idea at CHEERS which we were never able to make work where Frasier sat in for a local Boston radio host. We didn’t want to have Frasier in a private practice because we felt like it would look too much like the BOB NEWHART SHOW. Yet, the more we worked on the radio station concept, it sounded like WKRP IN CINCINNATI. What to do? Well, like a lot of writers we went to our own lives for material. David Lee’s father had recently had a stroke and David, being an only child, was helping his mother by taking on a lot of the responsibility of arranging the care for his disabled dad.

One day David came into the office and pitched the idea of Frasier having to care for an ailing, aging parent, something many people Frasier’s age were facing. We could keep the radio station, but now add a home life. David Angell and I both liked this idea immediately. We had seen very little of Frasier’s home life in CHEERS so this seemed to open up the possibility for lots of stories. Frasier didn’t have much of a family history so we pretty much had free rein to create what we wanted. (It was only after we were in rehearsals for the pilot that Kelsey mentioned that he had said his father was a research scientist in a episode of CHEERS which was produced after the three of us had left the show. At that point we pretty much said, “Screw it. We’re not changing our concept . We’re moving on”)

To create Frasier’s father we wanted to have someone very different than Frasier. Those differences create conflict; conflict creates humor, so we came up with Martin, a down-to-earth, no-nonsense ex-policeman. (We took Martin’s career out of my life. Both my father and grandfather were San Francisco policemen) Initially, some people said how do two such sophisticates as Frasier and Niles come from a guy like Martin? We told them the truth…David Lee is every bit as different from his father as the Cranes.

*********

Tomorrow, the story behind Niles.

Random musings

I’m still on a major high over UCLA’s stunning upset over USC on Saturday. To put it in perspective, imagine VERONICA MARS beating AMERICAN IDOL. Or a rapper without a felony conviction having the number one CD in the country. And my favorite Bruin victory story comes from commenter Great Big Radio Guy. A furniture store in Culver City, H. D. Buttercup, took out an ad in Friday’s L.A. TIMES saying if you bought $2000 worth of furniture anytime before the game, it would be free if UCLA won. I wonder if this Friday they're having a "Going out of business" sale.

They’re still celebrating in Westwood. It’s a wild crazy scene! People are going into Coffee Bean and ordering ice blended mochas WITH whipped cream. Extra police have been called to restore order.

Saw LIGHT IN THE PIAZZA at the Ahmanson. I guess we LA folks are the barefoot hayseed cornpones New York theater people think we are because the audience I saw it with reacted with a collective, “Huh???” THIS won all those Tonys??? Not since little Nell was tied to the railroad tracks has there been a more melodramatic production. In fairness, I’m told in New York it was done in a much more intimate venue (the Ahmanson is the Skydome with chandeliers) with performers who didn’t go to the “Ron Liebman School of Acting”.

How many days till 24 premieres???

I read where clown Emmet Kelly Jr. passed away, a sad event, and my heart goes out to his family and friends. But I just can’t help imaging the funeral procession – one hearse filled with two hundred mourners.

Great quote by David Mamet: “Features are a marathon and TV is running until you’re dead.”

I read where some guy in New Jersey, Gary Broslma, did a little home video and now gets 15,000,000 hits. So I checked my stats and gee, I’m waaaaay behind. Even with my Chicago travelogue. But I figure, if each one of you tells one person about my blog, in another 37,537,952 years I will be at that number. So I’m encouraged.

Are Major League Baseball owners out of their fucking minds?? When Juan Pierre makes more money than Julia Roberts there’s something wrong. There is no way a small market team with no deep pockets like the Pittsburgh Pirates can even compete anymore. They should change their name to the Washington Generals – that’s the team that has lost 4,000 straight games to the Harlem Globetrotters.

I’ve been involved in a couple of interesting discussions lately on other blogs. Jane Espenson and I have been discussing the tone of your spec comedy script on her site, and Lance Mannion and I have been debating Gary Burghoff not wearing his hat in Goodbye, Radar. I know. I do have too much time on my hands.

NBC is trying to tout their new Thursday night comedy line up as the new “Must See TV”. It’s hard to take seriously when Univision is kicking their ass.

I'm always intrigued by what people Googled to get here. My most recent favorites: "Claudine Longet nude", "Bonnie Bernstein nude","Parade deaths", and "Nancy Travis tits".

Eliminate the possession arrows in college basketball.

An idea I had last year worth repeating: For you budding comedy scribes looking to write a spec that will stand out. How about doing a Christmas episode? In the ten million specs I’ve read over the years I can’t recall a single one that’s holiday themed.

I will be heading to New York for the rest of the week. Tried to get reservations at Peter Lugar’s Steakhouse for Friday night. All they had was 10:45 AM… and that’s only because they had a cancellation. I took it but money talks. I’m on the wait list for 11:15.

While I’m away, I’ve got a neat-o surprise for you FRASIER fans. Stay tuned.

Gotta go. Michael Richards is on the phone. Something about wanting to apologize to me personally. How the hell did he get my number??

The great quotes TV LAND missed

In TV LAND’S 100 great quotes and catchphrases (see the last post) they missed a few of my favorites.

“Ooooh Oooh Ooooh.” (Joe E. Ross as Tooty, “Car 54 Where Are You?)

“Gggggggggggggggggg!” (Gale Storm as Margie, “My Little Margie”)

“Hummina, Hummina, Hummina.” (Ralph Kramden, “The Honeymooners”)

“Fuck!” (everyone from “Deadwood”)

“AAAAAAAAAAAAA!” (the one armed man falling from the roller coaster in “the Fugitive”.)

“Boing boing” (Gerald McBoing Boing from his own show)

“Don’t take the car, you’ll kill yourse – “ (line from old Anacin commercial. In the interest of time they cut off the “elf”.)

“Hiyaaaaaah!” (Phil Silvers as Ernie Bilko, “The Phil Silvers Show”.)

“Hey-ohhhh!” (“The Tonight Show)

“Eeep eep!” (Flipper from “Flipper”)

“Uh-ruh-uh-ruh” (White Fang from “the Soupy Sales Show)

“Ooooba-oooba-oooba” (Black Tooth from “the Soupy Sales Show)

“Woof” (Rin Tin Tin from “Rin Tin Tin”)

“Woof…which means Timmy, Grandpa is caught in a bear trap by the stream near that old oak tree – no, not that old oak tree, the other one – and you have to come quick and bring the first aid kit, but put on some pants first.” (Lassie in “Lassie”)

“Waaaaaaa!” (Lucy Ricardo on “I Love Lucy”)

“ “ (Kathy Lee Gifford on “Regis & Kathy)

“Hey, some guy’s scoring from third!” (Harry Carey during a Cubs-Dodger broadcast, WGN)

“And now the boys will play a medley of songs from World War Eye” (Lawrence Welk reading off a cue card from “The Lawrence Welk Show”)

“Okay” (Matt Albie on “Studio 60”)

"Okay" (Danny Tripp on "Studio 60")

"Okay" (Harriett on "Studio 60")

“I don’t think it’s a secret to you that I want Wilson White’s job. I’m gonna be CEO of Atlantic Media and to do that I’ve gotta show White I can delegate when it comes to NBS and particularly the entertainment division. But you saw how fast I fired Wes Mendell? Screw this up and I’ll fire you faster. I’m not like every other heterosexual man in show business, Jordan. I don’t find you charming. And you’ve earned the loyalty of absolutely no one. So you go ahead and take your first steps toward making us all classy again. We’ve been waiting for you.” (Jack Rudolph to Jordan McDeere, the catchphrase of Studio 60”)

TV Land's 100 Greatest Quotes & Catchphrases

I mentioned last week that TV Land has come out with their 100 Greatest Quotes & Catchphrases. Here is the complete list, in alphabetical order. And to answer your next question: No, I did not coin any of these 100 classic lines but have highlighted in red the ones I wish I had written. Tomorrow I present the great ones they missed.


-"Aaay" (Fonzie, "Happy Days")
-"And that's the way it is" (Walter Cronkite, "CBS Evening News")
-"Ask not what your country can do for you ..." (John F. Kennedy)
-"Baby, you're the greatest" (Jackie Gleason as Ralph Kramden, "The Honeymooners")
-"Bam!" (Emeril Lagasse, "Emeril Live")
-"Book 'em, Danno" (Steve McGarrett, "Hawaii Five-O")
-"Come on down!" (Johnny Olson, "The Price is Right")
-"Danger, Will Robinson" (Robot, "Lost in Space")
-"De plane! De plane!" (Tattoo, "Fantasy Island")
-"Denny Crane" (Denny Crane, "Boston Legal")
-"Do you believe in miracles?" (Al Michaels, 1980 Winter Olympics)
-"D'oh!" (Homer Simpson, "The Simpsons")
-"Don't make me angry ..." (David Banner, "The Incredible Hulk")
-"Dyn-o-mite" (J.J., "Good Times")
-"Elizabeth, I'm coming!" (Fred Sanford, "Sanford and Son")
-"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver ..." (Eddie Haskell, "Leave it to Beaver")
-"God'll get you for that" (Maude, "Maude")
-"Good grief" (Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" specials)
-"Good night, and good luck" (Edward R. Murrow, "See It Now")
-"Good night, John Boy" ("The Waltons")
-"Have you no sense of decency?" (Joseph Welch to Sen. McCarthy)
-"Heh heh" (Beavis and Butt-head, "Beavis and Butthead")
-"Here it is, your moment of Zen" (Jon Stewart, "The Daily Show")
-"Here's Johnny!" (Ed McMahon, "The Tonight Show")
-"Hey now!" (Hank Kingsley, "The Larry Sanders Show")
-"Hey hey hey!" (Dwayne Nelson, "What's Happening!!")
-"Hey hey hey!" (Fat Albert, "Fat Albert")
-"Holy (whatever), Batman!" (Robin, "Batman")
-"Holy crap!" (Frank Barone, "Everybody Loves Raymond")
-"Homey don't play that!" (Homey the Clown, "In Living Color")
-"How sweet it is!" (Jackie Gleason, "The Jackie Gleason Show")
-"How you doin'?" (Joey Tribbiani, "Friends")
-"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" (Alka Seltzer ad)
-"I know nothing!" (Sgt. Schultz, "Hogan's Heroes")
-"I love it when a plan comes together" (Hannibal, "The A-Team")
-"I want my MTV!" (MTV ad)
-"I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." (Larry, "Newhart")
-"I'm not a crook ..." (Richard Nixon)
-"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV" (Vicks Formula 44 ad)
-"I'm Rick James, b****!" (Dave Chappelle as Rick James, "Chappelle's Show")
-"If it weren't for you meddling kids!" (Various villains, "Scooby Doo, Where Are You?")
-"Is that your final answer?" (Regis Philbin, "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire")
-"It keeps going and going and going ..." (Energizer Batteries ad)
-"It takes a licking ..." (Timex ad)
-"Jane, you ignorant slut" (Dan Aykroyd to Jane Curtin, "Saturday Night Live")
-"Just one more thing ..." (Columbo, "Columbo")
-"Let's be careful out there" (Sgt. Esterhaus, "Hill Street Blues")
-"Let's get ready to rumble!" (Michael Buffer, various sports events)
-"Live long and prosper" (Spock, "Star Trek")
-"Makin' whoopie" (Bob Eubanks, "The Newlywed Game")
-"Marcia, Marcia, Marcia! (Jan Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
-"Mom always liked you best" (Tommy Smothers, "The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour")
-"Never assume ..." (Felix Unger, "The Odd Couple")
-"Nip it!" (Barney Fife, "The Andy Griffith Show")
-"No soup for you!" (The Soup Nazi, "Seinfeld")
-"Norm!" ("Cheers")
-"Now cut that out!" (Jack Benny, "The Jack Benny Program")
-"Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!" (Stan and Kyle, "South Park")
-"Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, "The Brady Bunch")
-"One small step for man ..." (Neil Armstrong)
-"Pardon me, would you have any Grey Poupon?" (Grey Poupon ad)
-"Read my lips: No new taxes!" (George H.W. Bush)
-"Resistance is futile" (Picard as Borg, "Star Trek: The Next Generation")
-"Say good night, Gracie" (George Burns, "The Burns & Allen Show")
-"Schwing!" (Mike Myers and Dana Carvey as Wayne and Garth, "Saturday Night Live")
-"Senator, you're no Jack Kennedy" (Lloyd Bentsen to Dan Quayle)
-"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids" (Trix cereal ad)
-"Smile, you're on `Candid Camera"' ("Candid Camera")
-"Sock it to me" ("Rowan & Martin's Laugh-In")
-"Space, the final frontier ..." (Capt. Kirk, "Star Trek")
-"Stifle!" (Archie Bunker, "All in the Family")
-"Suit up!" (Barney Stinson, "How I Met Your Mother")
-"Tastes great! Less filling!" (Miller Lite beer ad)
-"Tell me what you don't like about yourself" (Dr. McNamara and Dr. Troy, "Nip/Tuck")
-"That's hot" (Paris Hilton, "The Simple Life")
-"The thrill of victory, the agony of defeat" (Jim McKay, "ABC's Wide World of Sports")
-"The tribe has spoken" (Jeff Probst, "Survivor")
-"The truth is out there" (Fox Mulder, "The X-Files")
-"This is the city ..." (Sgt. Joe Friday, "Dragnet")
-"Time to make the donuts" ("Dunkin' Donuts" ad)
-"Two thumbs up" (Siskel & Ebert, "Siskel & Ebert")
-"Up your nose with a rubber hose" (Vinnie Barbarino, "Welcome Back, Kotter")
-"We are two wild and crazy guys!" (Steve Martin and Dan Aykroyd as Czech playboys, "Saturday Night Live")
-"Welcome to the O.C., bitch" (Luke, "The O.C.")
-"Well, isn't that special?" (Dana Carvey as the Church Lady, "Saturday Night Live")
-"We've got a really big show!" (Ed Sullivan, "The Ed Sullivan Show")
-"Whassup?" (Budweiser ad)
-"What you see is what you get!" (Geraldine, "The Flip Wilson Show")
-"Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?" (Arnold Drummond, "Diff'rent Strokes")
-"Where's the beef?" (Wendy's ad)
-"Who loves you, baby?" (Kojak, "Kojak")
-"Would you believe?" (Maxwell Smart, "Get Smart")
-"Yabba dabba do!" (Fred Flintstone, "The Flintstones")
-"Yada, yada, yada" ("Seinfeld")
-"Yeah, that's the ticket" (Jon Lovitz as the pathological liar, "Saturday Night Live")
-"You eeeediot!" (Ren, "Ren & Stimpy")
-"You look mahvelous!" (Billy Crystal as Fernando, "Saturday Night Live")
-"You rang?" (Lurch, "The Addams Family")
-"You're fired!" (Donald Trump, "The Apprentice")
-"You've got spunk ..." (Lou Grant, "The Mary Taylor Moore Show")

The battle for Los Angeles

With the big UCLA-USC football game taking place this weekend much was written about the bitter rivalry between these two great institutions (well, UCLA is) and how rare it is to see this city divided. Huh??? For those of us who live here, Los Angeles is teeming with rivalries. Here are just a few examples.

The Eastside vs. the Westside (better known as 310 vs. 323) -- Eastsiders feel the west is snobby, arrogant, privileged. And worse, they can’t afford to live there themselves. Westsiders are, well…just afraid of the Eastsiders. And other than to venture to the Staples Center there’s no reason to go there. This year however, 310 was split into two area codes – 310 and 424. And now things have gotten really ugly. Neighbor at war with neighbor. Bel Air Security will have to hire additional drunk LAPD academy washouts to keep order.

Flood risk homeowners vs. Fire risk homeowners -- Personally, I’m on the side of the fire risk folk. I love every couple of years seeing Barbra Streisand and Barry Diller filling sandbags to save their Malibu Colony homes.

The Lakers vs. the Clippers -- Not very heated because Clipper fans are really Laker fans who can only afford Clipper prices.

The Dodgers vs. the Angels – The Dodgers have Vin Scully. The Angels can actually win playoff games.

SUV’s vs. every other car on the road – Especially when Westside women drive them. As my friend Dave Hackel observed, unless they put a Gelsons at the top of a mountain there’s no reason these women need four-wheel drive. A subset of this rivalry is all cars, (including SUV’s) vs. Hummers. I think we could shoot the several thousand Hummer owners and have room to bury them all in one Hummer.

KFWB vs KNX -- The two all-news stations. What makes this rivalry somewhat absurd is that the same company owns them both. Some newswriters are even asked to contribute to both stations. But to create that division that drives competition they only hire bi-polar newswriters.

Hollywood vs. West Hollywood – It’s a constant tug-of-war to see who is tackier, trashier, and has the most transsexuals.

Pilates vs. “Crunch” – Great animosity exists between women exercisers . On the one hand “Crunch” requires only a half hour, but pilate places provide easier parking for SUV’s.

KLAC vs KSPN – the two All-sports stations fight hard over the fifteen listeners who bother to tune in either one.

The Channel 5 Morning News vs. the Channel 11 Morning News – the limbo bar of local journalism (or is it bimbo bar?). Channel 11 gets the edge because their anchor, Jillian Barberie, also appeared on Fox’s “Skating with the Stars”.

Democrats vs. Republicans – Los Angeles politics that will determine the course of this city now and for our children – Nah, no one gives a shit.

No more agent phone tag

I’m sure agents long for the good old days. Those halcyon days before cellphones and email. Back when it was easy to duck calls from their writer clients and avoid them entirely. They had the drill down pat.

You, the writer/client would call. Step one: the assistant says he’s in a meeting and will call you back. Step two: He calls back at 1 PM, knowing you’re at lunch. Step three: You call back after lunch, and what do you know? He’s out of the office. But he’ll call you back. Step four: The assistant calls you back at 6 to say the agent has been in meetings all afternoon but will call you back first thing in the morning. Step five: He calls at 8:30 the next morning knowing you’re not in the office yet. A variation of Step four is he calls you back at 7:30 at night knowing you’ve left for the day. Repeat this process until the writer just gives up.

But now, with cellphones, there is no “out of the office”. He can reach you at lunch, at 7:30 at night, even 7:30 in the morning. And you can pepper him with email. Agents would give up their citizenship before they give up their Blackberrys. For us "schmucks with an Underwood" (or now an iMac) it’s a beautiful thing.

I must say, I’m one of the few writers who actually likes his agent. But he returned my calls b.c. (before cellphones).

How important you are in the business can be directly correlated to when (if ever) your agent gets back to you. If you call him and he actually gets on the phone, you’ve just won an Oscar. If he calls you back within the hour, your movie just opened big or you have three series on the air. A lunch callback signals that you’re still marketable. Same with an early afternoon callback. But if the fortunes haven’t been smiling lately, if he’s not fielding offers for you, expect the 7 PM call. Always from his car on his way home. Priority level right behind making an appointment to have his golf shoes polished.

Those are great conversations because you can’t hear him on the speaker phone, if he needs to refer to something he left it at the office, and if he’s going over a canyon you get cut off. And they ALL seem to have homes in the canyon. Hey, wait a minute. That could just be Step Six.

When you meet with your agent is also an indication of your place on the Hollywood Food Chain. Dinner -- you’re the flavor of the month. Lunch – it’s okay to be seen with you. Breakfast – charity.

And of course none of this applies when the agent is trying to recruit you. Then he’s calling you six times a day – asking how your weekend was, wondering if you wanted Laker tickets, telling you you should be having Paul Haggis’ career.

But now with email you can tell him every Monday how your weekend was, whether he asks or not. And when you read in Variety that Haggis signs a multi-million dollar deal to write the next James Bond movie you can find out why you didn’t get that assignment. Make sure your cellphone is on at 7:00, or in this case, more like 9:00.

And while you’ve got him, the Lakers are home against the Spurs on Sunday the 10th.

Oh no! Christmas songs again!

In every radio market at least one station scraps its regular programming to play all Christmas music. I wish it were the right wing talk station but alas it’s usually the New Wave or Celine Dion station. The ratings are always huge. I’m surprised some stations don’t keep the format on all year. But it brings up the question, which Christmas songs do you love and which do you hate?

Personally, I get a warm feeling when I hear Nat King Cole’s “Christmas Song” for the first time each season. By the 50th, not so much. The Phil Spector Christmas album is still my favorite. Putting aside that he killed someone, we thank Phil for a real musical gift.

And Darlene Love's , "I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas" which is a recent parody of her own work on the album is maybe the funniest Christmas song ever.

I fancy the oldies. Brenda Lee’s “Rocking Around the Christmas Tree”, Bobby Helm’s “Jingle Bell Rock”, and the Beach Boys’ “Little St. Nick”.

The Boss’s Xmas ditty is pretty catchy as are the King’s.

Re: “White Christmas”, give me the Drifters over Bing. (Interesting that so many classic Christmas songs were written by Jews.)

Some obscure holiday songs I recommend: “Run Run Rudolph” by Chuck Berry, “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the Four Seasons, “Monster Holiday” by Bobby Boris Pickett (that one always tears me up), and “Santa Claus is Watching You” by Ray Stevens. Super obscure but worth finding is “Lost Winter Dreams” by Lisa Mychols. And for the motherlode of bad taste fun, try to find Claudine Longet singing “Winter Wonderland”. Before she shot skier Spider Sabich in cold blood she and husband, Andy Williams, were the first couple of the season. Their annual family Christmas special was a must-see. They even have a kid named Noel.
Songs I can’t stand: “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano, “Having a Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney, and “the Little Drummer Boy” by anybody. Whey do stations overplay TO DEATH the songs that are the most repetitious? Also, anything sung by kids usually makes me cringe.

I’m only sorry Kurt Cobain left us before he could give the world his Christmas album.

For a more vocal pop sound, you can’t beat Linda Eder’s holiday album. Her version of “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” would bring a tear to a glass eye. Listen for it the next time you’re in an elevator. Streisand is great but there’s more ornamentation than on the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center. Johnny Mathis is a little too sugar plum fairy for my tastes, and you can always count on “Mr. Peace and Goodwill to All Men”, Sinatra. The Carpenters have their fans too. Best new CD: The Manhattan Transfer just released an Acapella album that is gorgeous.

But if I had to pick my all-time favorite Christmas song, the one that most expresses my feelings about the holiday season, it would have to be “The Christmas Song” by the Chipmunks. Sometimes the right song and the right performers just combine for sheer perfection.

What songs do you love or loathe?

Who needs comedy writers?

Is improvisation the savior of the sitcom? A number of articles I’ve recently read suggest that it is. I’m not so sure.

Several cable networks have launched comedies that rely on the actors improv-ing (as opposed to “improving”) within scenes. Their showrunners and network execs tell every reporter who will listen that they’re making groundbreaking television, that the old “set-up, joke, set-up, joke” sitcom format is passé and a thing of the past. They’ve come along to rescue the genre. Thank you soooo much. All that’s fine except for one thing – are these new improv comedies really FUNNY?

So far the answer is no.

Even the same TV critics who hail this new form admit in their reviews that the shows are quiet, amusing in spots, the tone is more naturalistic, the actors are likeable, but there are very few big laughs. And that’s understandable because unless your cast includes Robin Williams, Sasha Cohen, Elaine May, Will Ferrell, or the Christopher Guest road company you are putting too much comedy burden on the actors. It’s not their job. It’s not their gift.

I think we all saw an example last week of just how funny Michael Richards is when allowed to improvise. How beloved would Kramer be if Richards had free reign over that character?

This format does work for a couple of shows. I love THE OFFICE (primarily scripted but with some leeway) and CURB YOUR ENTHUSIAM. But at their core are supremely funny people like Steve Carell and Larry David. And even then, these shows can be uneven. CURB seems to be running out of gas, and I worry that THE OFFICE relies so much on getting laughs from people caught in awkward and embarrassing situations that it might start to get old. I hope they can keep it fresh because like I said, I really enjoy that show.

I did improv for many years. Still do on occasion. I’m pretty good at it. Very quick. But even in my best days I was nowhere near good enough to be a performer on network television. I’m going to do the same job as Ted Danson? Not a chance.

And likewise, I’m sure if you asked Ted to improvise a half hour show that will make ten million strangers laugh he couldn’t do it to save his life. Which is fine because he’s not supposed to. He’s an amazing comic actor.

I agree the old multi-camera sitcom style is stale. But I blame that more on bad writing, mediocre network approved casts, reliance on research, and suffocating interference. SEINFELD was multi-camera. So was FRIENDS, FRASIER, RAYMOND, and any number of shows that still hold up as being really funny. Audiences count the guffaws, not the cameras.

The trick is not to make a sitcom different, it’s to make one BETTER. Whatever the number of cameras, style, or technique. And it all goes back to getting the funniest people you can and allowing them to make the funniest show they can, doing the thing they do best.

In the words of the “Great One”, Jackie Gleason: comedy is the most exacting form of dramatic art, because it has an instant critic: laughter.

Notice he didn't say "smiles".

Dreamgirls

The way to showbiz stardom is not winning a reality show, it’s becoming a runner up. With the release of DREAMGIRLS, Jennifer Hudson’s career will skyrocket past Fantasia’s. Fellow loser, Diana DeGarmo has a nifty Broadway career and will probably eclipse Fantasia too. (Fantasia’s already done the MOW on her life. That’s usually the last stop until Disney on Ice). Meanwhile, Ruben Studdard is eating Clay Aiken’s dust (even with the bad haircut).

And it’s not just AMERICAN IDOL contestants. SURVIVOR winner, Richard Hatch is rotting in jail while runner-up, Elisabeth Hasselbeck is a co-host on THE VIEW (although in this case, I’d rather be Richard).

But of all these close-but-no-cigar players, none will take off like Jennifer Hudson when DREAMGIRLS is released. Her performance was nothing short of mind blowing. I know Jennifer Holiday wowed ‘em on Broadway in this role, but when Hudson (it’s hard to keep my Jennifer H’s straight) sings the big show stopping number it’s as thrilling an experience as you are likely to have in a movie this year. The audience cheered loudly, which is always odd to me because you’re cheering at a screen. Jennifer can’t hear you, folks!!

The movie itself was terrific. When Dreamworks was hyping it with teasers in the theaters a year ago even before they shot one foot of film, I was leery. Recent memories of the giant misfires that were RENT and THE PRODUCERS danced through my head. But writer/director, Bill Condon really pulled it off. DREAMGIRLS is the Supremes meet CHICAGO. It has Oscar written all over it, unless the movie is a bomb and then it’s like “what the hell were they thinking?’ But I got a feeling the movie will be a hit. It’s a little long (I make that complaint so often these days I should just get a stamp), but vibrant and visually exciting throughout. I imagine even the coveted “youth market” will go for this film because a lot of the songs are those Whitney Houston type big belting “Believe in yourself, Follow your dream, The only way I can be me for you is to be me for me” numbers. And Beyonce. Hard to imagine Beyonce not being the best singer in the movie, but even as number two she kicks ass. And she looks scrumptious. Diana Ross never looked that good even in her prime and with all the air brushing in the world.

The third girl, Anika Noni Rose, was also great but so overshadowed by the other two I don’t think even her parents noticed she was in the movie.

Jaimie Foxx played the part Billy D. Williams would have played twenty years ago. Loretta Devine, one of the original DREAMGIRLS, had a small part, a nice nod to the Broadway production. And John Cenatiempo as Thug #1 gave his usual solid performance.

But the real pleasant surprise was Eddie Murphy. Even if this movie sells only three tickets he will get an Oscar nomination, and probably a win. Not only is his acting superb and comic timing impeccable, but Jesus, he can really SING. Think Marvin Gaye before his father shot him. You watch him in DREAMGIRLS and say, “Eddie, what the hell are you doing wasting your talent prancing around in fat suits doing fart jokes?”

The movie musical is once again alive. And if Hollywood wants to do a big screen version of JERSEY BOYS, the story of the Four Seasons, might I suggest casting Bo Bice, Boston Rob, Chris Daughtry, and Johnny Fairplay.

Casino Royale

James Bond is back. Daniel Craig is so good he’ll make you forget all about George Lazenby.

And every other Bond other sans Sean Connery.

CASINO ROYALE was terrific. A little long but great action sequences (that didn’t depend on gadgets) and a Bond girl you could actually believe is smart (unlike the time we were asked to buy that Denise Richards was a nuclear scientist, the single greatest conceit in motion picture history). Eva Green was radiant, and more important, nude in most of Bertolucci’s 2003 release, THE DREAMERS – just ordered from Amazon.

How refreshing that the stakes in CASINO ROYALE were real. There was no madman plot for world domination, no giant secret compound/fortress/Norad that served as the super villain’s lair. (I always wondered how such mega complexes could be constructed and thousands of gun toting guards could be hired without anyone knowing about it. I mean, how did they get the building permits approved?) The Magoffin was $150,000,000 – which is not pocket change but still less than it cost to make the movie.

But the revelation was Craig.

I never bought Roger Moore. I’m sorry, James Bond does not have liver spots. Moore probably needed a stunt double to do his walking scenes. Timothy Dalton never lived up to his potential from THE ROCKETEER. And Pierce Brosnan was good but a little too slick and pretty. Like the Fox television version of 007. If Brosnan wasn’t available they’d insist on Rob Lowe.

Craig however, was real, he was gritty, and I mean this as a genuine compliment -- an asshole sometimes. You really saw how that job takes its toll on you, both physically and psychically. Although I understand it’s still an easier job than being a staff writer on CYBILL.

With CASINO ROYALE I feel the producers saved the franchise. And just in the nick of time. Because in 2006, James Bond’s biggest rival isn’t Goldfinger, or Ernst Blowfeld, or Dr. No. It’s Jack Bauer.

*****
I'm in a movie reviewing mood. Tomorrow -- DREAMGIRLS.

Maui memories

Usually we go to Hawaii for Christmas. We're not this year, but it's enough to be able to relive past trips. Here's our sojourn from 2001.

*******
"NO SIGHTSEEING!" That's what the kids said when we first piled into our rental car on Maui. No bike rides down crators, no twenty mile scenic drives through the most gorgeous countryside imaginable. I was thrilled. Welcome to another Levine vacation.

This year we went to Maui. Usually we go to the KaHollywood Manderin Oriental Asian but this year they wanted to put us on a waiting list (despite going there for many years). Amazingly, on Sept. 12 they called with the joyous news that rooms were suddenly available. Could they book us for ten days? Or fifty? But by then we had made other plans. Went to the Grand Wailea on Maui but could only get in for five nights so made arrangements to move up the road to the Renaissance (about which we heard good things). That was a mistake but more on that later.

The Grand Wailea is a true luxury resort but HUGE. It should be called the MGM Grand Wailea. Gorgeous accomodations and a sprawling compound. Lagoons, spas, thirty million dollars in sculptures that no one notices and is primarily used as jungle gyms for kids, its own chapel (tan with Jesus), exclusive shops with prices that were staggeringly ridiculous. You'd have a better shot finding a Jew in the Chapel than at the cashier stand of one of these stores. But the big attraction is water slides. My wife could be on those things all day.

Another exclusive feature is their Grand Spa where a massage is just part of the package. Unfortunately the other part is not a "happy ending". It's an absurd beginning. You're invited to go through a series of kelp baths, loofah sponge baths (administered by a guy named Thor), sea salt exfoliation treatment, and a Japanese Furo bath. You're then offered a selection of massages. My favorite: they pour hot oil on your forehead. All this for only five times what a normal massage would cost (WITH a happy ending). Plus, there is a handout of "spa etiquette". Among the entries: "menstraual cycle ladies on their cycle are asked not to utilize the Terme. The Terme may be used on a seperate day".

Their thatched hut tropical lagoon restaurant is actually named (this is no joke) Humuhumunukunukuapua's. Annie says when she goes on SURVIVOR that's going to be her tribe's name. Lobster at $38 a pound, two pound minimum. Not a lot of Jews there either.

Saw a woman with two cellphones. That was new. Fashion tip: women who could pass for Fran Drescher or K.D. Lang should not wear bikinis. And no guy should wear Speedos. I needed a hot oil forehead massage after one day of gazing at this crowd.

Christmas is always a time of tradition at the Grand Wailea. Japanese carolers in the lobby did their best with "Have a Jolly Holly Christmas". You can imagine.

No Hollywood celebrity sighting. We did bump into Mariner relief ace Jeff Nelson and saw more of a sighting of him than we would have liked. We were all in the ocean when a big wave pulled down his bathing suit affording us a moon I'm sure was intended for the New York Yankees.

Alas, on the 26th we moved to the Marriott Renaissance. If the Grand Wailea is a world class hotel, the Renaissance is where KRTH winners stay. And the appalling thing is that they charge practically the SAME as the Grand Wailea with practically none of the amenities. I guess it's Marriott's attempt at luxury and in their mind it's the chain's crown jewel along with the Courtyard in City of Industry. No fear of bumping into big Hollywood celebrities here. Even UPN executives would rather go to the Travelodge up the road. We stayed in the refurbished Tiki Tacky wing.

Their spa treatment was somewhat more streamlined than the Grand Wailea. Cabana boys will rub you down if no one wants an umbrella plunged into the sand.

But much better snorkling at the Renaissance. And scuba lessons when the cabana boys get done setting up the chairs.

Friday night is luau night. All the big hotels (and the Renaissance) hold luas complete with poi, tropical drinks, lots of pork (you do see Jews here) and shows for the tourists. We strolled along the shore and sampled all the shows. At the Grand Wailea hula dancers swayed to a medley of some traditional Hawaiian song and the Battle Hymn of the Republic. At the Outrigger there was an authentic Somoan fire-eater who twirled flaming batons (and you wonder what kind of careers are out there for majorettes...). Finally, the Renaissance where cabana boys on the main stage cut papayas. I couldn't help but notice there were no Hawaiian comics. Although one emcee did ask "how many of you are from out of town?"

All in all another spectacular vacation and it was great to have the whole family together for a week. Hope your holidays were just as nice.

And now we have Marriott points so we can stay a night free at their luxury resort in Lubbock, Texas.

Thanksgiving leftovers

I have a new tag line for ABC's DAY BREAK: "What if you could live one day over and over again and it happened to be the day you watched GROUNDHOG DAY?"

Denmark has a GREAT new way to get motorists to adhere to the speed limits. I like this so much better than radar guns.

I loved CASINO ROYALE and will offer my thoughts on Monday.

Saw the trailer for ROCKY BALBOA. Everyone in the theatre laughed and booed. When is Stallone going to give it up? It's sad already. Like watching 80 year old Paul Anka sing "Puppy Love".

Robert Altman was one of the great American directors. He never won an Oscar for directing. And yet Kevin Costner has. Maybe next year for PRAIRIE HOME COMPANION.

FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION had some laughs but was nowhere near WAITING FOR GUFFMAN or BEST IN SHOW. The Christopher Guest movies have become sketches that are stretched out to the point of Joan River's skin. And am I the only one who finds Eugene Levy one-note and tiresome?

O.J. Simpson said he was doing the new book and reprehensible special for "blood money", to provide for his children financially. Yeah, it's all for the kids. The man's in the holiday spirit already!

Guess I'm not the only one who didn't love THE FOUNTAIN. Neither did the LA Times. Yes, there are some critics who praised it (not many) but I chose to focus on this one.

You will not find me in a mall from now until January 2nd. And not in a Target until February.

TV LAND has announced its 100 greatest TV lines. The medium should be proud. Included are: "Aaay!" (Fonzie, Happy Days), "Bam!" (Emeril), "De plane! De plane!" (Fantasy Island), "Denny Crane" (Boston Legal), "Heh heh..." (Beavis & Butthead), "Holy crap!" (Everybody Loves Raymond), and my favorite, "Oh, my nose!" (Marcia Brady, The Brady Bunch. Oh, and Kennedy's "Ask not what your country can do for you" speech is also included.

STRANGER THAN FICTION is fun while you're watching it. Then you go home and realize NONE of this made any sense. But you could say the same thing for THE BIG SLEEP. I'd recommend both.

Spotted in Westwood: a giant Hummer with a handicap placard.

Michael Richards should never speak unless Larry David writes his dialogue. He can apologize all he wants. He's an idiot. And not funny.

God, I'm sick of turkey.

The Honeymooners

We all have our own cherished Thanksgiving traditions. Enjoying Grandma’s famous stuffing recipe (which oddly tastes a lot like Stove Top), the game of touch football on the lawn (they still talk about the year Uncle Ed’s stitches came loose), weird cousin Marla’s holiday decorations (festive paper turkeys with hatchets), everyone bringing their favorite dish, renewing the argument over whether cousin Marla should be hospitalized, etc. My fondest tradition was watching THE HOONEYMOONERS marathon on one of the local LA channels. The last few years it’s been discontinued but thanks to DVD’s, I now own all 39 classic episodes and can gleefully watch them again for the nine millionth time.

Produced in 1955 for one season only, THE HONEYMOONERS remains my favorite all-time sitcom. I don’t think there’s ever been a more inspired cast than Jackie Gleason, Art Carney, and Audrey Meadows. And Joyce Randolph was okay too.

I wonder what people in their 20’s would think of the show. Would it seem too retro? Would the black-and-white cause a disconnect? Would the comedy still hold up? I’d like to think it would. I’d like to think any generation would marvel at Art Carney demonstrating a golf swing, or Jackie Gleason learning to mambo.

If you’ve never seen THE HONEYMOONERS, or haven’t in a long time, I invite you to get the DVD collection and have your own Thanksgiving marathon. But JUST the classic 39 episodes. The collected sketches from Gleason’s variety show or the “lost episodes” don’t hold up. But those 39, for my money, are sitcom perfection. I’d be interested to hear what you think.

Some of my favorite episodes are:

The Golfer
Better Living Through TV
Oh, my Aching Back
The $99,000 Answer
Young at Heart
Unconventional Behavior
Hello, Mom

I bet as you read this I’m watching one of them right now.

Happy sitcom Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving. I look forward to the holiday, never writing about it. Every sitcom I’ve ever worked on, we’ve had the obligatory Thanksgiving episode. How many variations can you have on the big family dinner going awry? I think I’ve written the “turkey gets burned”, “relatives clash”, “nutty friends invited”, “can’t find a restaurant”, “kids break something”, “Guess who’s Coming to Dinner variation, “Meet the Parents variation”,“football gambler loses big”, “tofu turkey substitute”, “someone accidentally gets dragged seven blocks by the Mr. Potato Head balloon”, “mom’s a terrible cook”, “relative accidentally not invited”, “someone is allergic to something in the stuffing and has a funny seizure”, “power outage”, “thawing frozen turkey last minute”, “food fight”, and “the pilgrim re-enactment” episode fifteen times.

Hopefully, none of these things will happen to you this turkey day. And if they do, at least you’ll have your ACCORDING TO JIM spec script halfway written.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Thanks for reading this blog.

The Santa Claus Lane Parade

When I was a kid growing up in LA, the Thanksgiving weekend always began Wednesday night with the annual Santa Claus Lane Parade down Hollywood Blvd. I looked forward to it every year. Unlike parades with elaborate floats and impressive marching bands, this had Hollywood B-actors, second bananas, local fringe celebrities riding in cars with their names hand painted on the sides, and a few 100 year old guys from an American Legion Post playing trombones. The big finale was the arrival of Santa Claus, usually on a float that looked like a Cub Scout project gone horribly wrong.

The parade began in 1928 as a way to lure shoppers to Hollywood. In the 30’s and 40’s big stars would participate. It was the only time Bette Davis would get within a hundred yards of real people. In 1946, the parade inspired Gene Autry to write “Here Comes Santa Claus, Right Down Santa Clause Lane”.

By the 50’s the luster had worn off and instead of Natalie Wood you’d see the kid who played Whitey on LEAVE IT TO BEAVER. Once Bing Crosby was the Grand Marshal. By the late 50’s it was Oscar Levant who by then had a local TV talk show on KCOP, Channel 13. I was never sure if he was waving to the crowd or just having another seizure.

The parade was always televised locally on KTTV, Channel 11 in black-and-white, hosted by Bill Welsh. He’d interview all the “stars” as they passed. That was my favorite part. How do you ask Gypsy Boots what his next project was with a straight face? Gypsy Boots was a local health nut who dressed ridiculously and did anything he could to draw attention to himself. He was the Melrose Larry of his day. His next “project”??? Appear in next year’s parade.

Bill once asked Monty Montana, who had appeared in a bunch of B Westerns, what his next project was? His answer: giving a lasso demonstration at a local elementary school.

I was nine years old. I found this hysterical. Tomorrow I would watch the Macy’s Parade and there would be the original Broadway cast of WEST SIDE STORY, elaborate floats, a 200 member marching band from Ohio State, and those magnificent giant balloons. But tonight I was seeing Bill Welsh ask Iron Eyes Cody about his new book.

I never actually went to the Santa Claus Lane Parade. My parents were not about to wade through a million people so I could see local newscaster, George Putnam, on a horse. But I didn’t care. It was a TV event anyway.

The parade has been renamed the Hollywood Lane Parade and is now on Sunday night. And KTLA, Channel 5 televises it with Bob Eubanks and usually Lee Meriwether. It’s in color. It’s syndicated. It’s not as good. But every so often there’s a flash of the parade’s past cheesy greatness. The 2000 Co-Grand Marshals were Frankie Muniz and Dennis Hopper.

I love holiday traditions. Happy Thanksgiving!!

The Fountain

People ask me why I do a blog and I’ve never had a good answer…until now. If I can save even one person from going to see THE FOUNTAIN then I’ve provided a real public service. Yes, I know I’m going to take a lot of heat in the comments section but I don't care. Some things are too important and warning the population is something I just feel morally bound to do.

As I watched this quest for eternal life I wanted to kill myself.

For you Los Angeles readers, my wife said it was a 90 minute KCRW ad. In other words, artsy-fartsy, overblown, dialogue as bad and stilted as STAR WARS: EPISODE I and GLEN OR GLENDA, and making no sense whatsoever. An utter mish-mash. A complete disaster. It achieved the near impossible, it made Rachel Weisz look bad. And the writer-director, Darren Aronofsky, is her husband! She should sue for spousal abuse.

At least SHOWGIRLS had nudity. And stupifying lines like: "it must be weird, not having anybody cum on you."

Aronofsky is the Emperor’s New Genius. It’s one thing when he makes five-million dollar bizarre little art films. So what if nobody knows what the hell is going on? Everybody’s stoned. It’s the midnight show at the local revival theater, part of a double bill with PINK FLAMINGO. But a $53 million studio holiday release? What was anybody thinking? Forget that THE FOUNTAIN is not remotely commercial. Even the art crowd thinks it’s a turd. It was rejected by Cannes, the New York Film Festival, and when it showed at the Venice Film Festival it received loud angry boos – and these people think every Woody Allen movie is a masterpiece.

When directors start thinking of themselves not as storytellers but “artists” you can almost bet another FOUNTAIN will be hatched. When they want to become the next Kubrick give them a wide berth. If you hear the words “metaphysical journey”, “exploring unanswerable questions”, and “Mayan mythology” RUN!

I saw it at a screening where Aronofsky participated in a Q&A afterwards. He was asked what the theme of the movie was, and he said, “he didn’t know.” HE DIDN’T KNOW???? $53 million dollars and he didn’t know? He said he was still discovering it and that’s the cool part.

Knowing your theme is the first thing they teach you in the Beginning Screenwriting Course at the Learning Annex… for only $53 dollars.

Admirers will say if you want to be challenged by a movie see THE FOUNTAIN. I say see THE FOUNTAINHEAD.

Let the debate begin!

The O.J. special is off

Fox has pulled both the special and the book. I never knew the power I had with this blog. I will try to use it for good.

Thanksgiving travel tips

The Thanksgiving holiday is the peak travel weekend of the year (in America. The rest of the world could give a rat’s ass about Thanksgiving.) So as a public service, here are some travel tips:

Leave for the airport NOW. Especially if your flight is on Wednesday.

Bring no luggage. Wearing the same clothes for a week is a small price to pay.

Southwest has no reserved seating. Get in one of the latter groups boarding. You don’t want to be one of the first to sit then watch as fifty people glance at the empty seat next to you, then to you, and decide to sit somewhere else.

If you have children under the age of five tell your relatives one has an ear ache and make everyone come to YOU.

Those people in the Stand-By line – those are the same people who think they can get rich selling Amway products, and the Tooth Fairy really exists. Don’t fly Stand-By unless you like sleeping in airport terminals for five days.

If you rent from Hertz plan on a two hour wait just to get your car. Unless you’re one of their “preferred” customers in which case allow only one hour.

When rental car companies recommend you use premium gasoline put in regular. It’s cheaper, it’ll run just fine, and it’s not your car.

Before you pull off the road to a Chuck E. Cheese for lunch, remember their namesake is a rat.

Three words of advice if you’re driving a long distance: XM satellite radio. Especially if you’re crossing Texas and want to listen to Air America.

Air travelers: avoid O’Hare. Better to land in Dallas, even if your destination is Chicago.

If you’re dropping someone off at the airport don’t even think you’ll be able to stop. Have your travelers practice the tuck and roll from a moving car. The first couple of times they’ll bounce but by the fourth or fifth try they should have it down.

Watch the DVD of HOSTEL on your laptop. The bigger the screen, the better.

There’s more legroom in Exit rows. When the flight attendants ask if you are willing to help out in case of emergency just say yes. Like it’s going to make a big difference anyway if you crash.

There are NO bargains in the Sky Mall magazine.

When you’re stuck in St. Louis and all flights are grounded (and trust me, you WILL be), grab lunch at Mike Shannon’s.

If you’re flying on an airline that doesn’t have reserved seating never sit next to anyone whose already eating or reading Ann Coulter.

Before you fly to New York and have to negotiate JFK just remember – the parade is on TV. And it’s the same balloons as last year. The only difference is that the stars of NBC’s big new hit from last year, COMMITTED won’t be there.

Never pay to see an in-flight movie starring Debra Messing.

Put a big strip of duct tape on your luggage so you’ll recognize it easily. And it makes a nice fashion statement.

If you’re flying with small children see if there’s such a thing as “Flintstones Valium”.

In-flight alcoholic beverages are expensive. Better to drink heavily at the airport before boarding.

And finally, watch PLANES, TRAINS, & AUTOMOBILES again and think of it as a “best” case scenario.

Happy trails to you all.

The nadir of network television

Has FOX lost its mind? After painstakingly repositioning itself as a quality network, with such fare as HOUSE and 24 and no longer the home of JOE MILLIONAIRE and TEMPTATION ISLAND they go off and schedule an O.J. Simpson special?? Just when you thought no network, not even FOX could sink lower than WHO’S YOUR DADDY? they unleash this.

O.J. will tell how the murders would have gone had he committed them (wink wink). I’m sure it will be rich on detail because, y’ know… he has such a great imagination. I’m surprised he has the time since he’s been on this one man tireless crusade to find the real killer. From what I gather he's narrowed it down to someone on a golf course.

The special stems from an upcoming book published by Judith Regan. To contact Ms. Regan you don't call her, you drive by her street corner and roll down your window.

If this special gets ratings expect to see the sequel with Robert Blake for February sweeps. And then for May, Barry Bonds could talk about what his career would be like if he took steroids.

Personally I’m appalled and only hope the Goldman and Brown families attach every penny this murderer makes from this unconscionable stunt.

The only way to REALLY show your displeasure and disgust is to not watch it. Let's hand O.J. the verdict he deserves.

And as for FOX, they already have as many Simpsons as they need.

The list

Every writer gets stuck. You hit roadblocks. Hard to concentrate with your felony trial pending, that sort of thing. In the past I've talked about a few ways I've tried to break through it. Taking a shower, dumping the problem on my partner, admitting I'm a fraud and giving up. But I found that fellow blogger, Maggie has compiled a far better list of things you could do. And these are actually helpful. In fact, they're fabulous. And for those that care, her post features pictures of Tahmoh Penikett as well, whoever he is.

Here's the post.

And here's just a sample:

7) This one is evil but fantastic: open a new file and write the thing again, without looking at your current draft, no matter how many times you've rewritten it. Oh, so evil! Because you'll hate it and you'll be so mad and then, oh my goodness, you write something SO GREAT! Because you've been working on that story for so long now, you're so ready to write that thing! You're a pro at writing that thing, but you're not letting yourself write it, only rewrite it.

It's like you've been practicing a piece of Bach. Only you recorded your very first time through, and you've been tweaking that recording all this time. Play it again! Write it again! Let your characters talk. They're sick of having the same conversation over and over. What would they do if they had the chance to live that scene over again?

8) Study something fabulous. This is how they train composers. And I know because I went through this at the conservatory. We studied certain pieces of music so closely that when I hear Bartok's Concerto for Orchestra or Wachet Auf or the others, I almost can't breathe. Break it down, diagram it, watch/read it over and over for the structure of it. Write it from memory. (That is a particularly wicked exercise we had to do. Write Bartok from memory!)

9) Start listing things you love. It's simple but it works really, really well. You can put margaritas on there a couple of times if you want! And Joe Flanigan and Tahmoh Pennikett! And Mt. Hollywood and pizza. Blueberry tea and pink kitty toes. The New Zealand All Blacks and the South African national anthem. Kaylee! Vines. Vintage dresses on Ebay. Amelie! Margaritas! Ben Browder! Bagroll! Anglo-Saxon poetry! Royal blue! Cello solo! The point (and I do have one) is to get back to the place where you remember why you're doing this in the first place. Yay!

10) Write something else. Boy howdy, that works great! I'm sure that 95% of writing-is-not-working crankiness is because you want to be writing and aren't. So write! Write ANYTHING! Write about what you would write if you could be writing and exactly how good it would be, because it would do this and this and this and this and this...and because you're a writer, pretty soon you've worked your way out of whatever knot you didn't even know you had.