Holiday Movie Preview Part 2

THE PRIVATE LIVES OF PIPPA LEE – Robin Wright as a woman who looks back at her life. I wonder if any character says to her, “Well, Pippa, you made some bad mistakes in your life but at least you didn’t marry Sean Penn.”

ARMORED – Armored car robbery by its guards. Actually I wonder why this doesn’t happen 12,000 times a year.

BROTHERS – When Natalie Portman’s husband is missing in Afghanistan, she turns to his brother, Jake Gyllenhaal for solace. Uh oh.

EVERYBODY’S FINE – Robert DeNiro as a widower. That’s what Natalie Portman’s husband is going to be if he ever comes home from Afghanistan and finds her with his Goddamn brother.

THE LAST STATION – It seems like every holiday season we get another Leo Tolstoy biography. Christopher Plummer stars this time as the Tolster.

TRANSYLMANIA – All the finest universities encourage their students to study a semester in Transylvania. Transportation and lodging is provided but students are required to bring their own crosses.

SERIOUS MOONLIGHT – Meg Ryan. Title refers to the only way to light her now.

UP IN THE AIR – I couldn’t think of a better line than the one I used for the Fall Preview so here it is again. George Clooney is a habitual airline traveler who falls for another habitual airline traveler. “We’ll always have Tucson to Detroit with a stop in Dallas”.

THE LOVELY BONES – A low budget Peter Jackson film (which sounds like an oxymoron). A 14-year-old girl is murdered and there’s no giant gorilla or magic gnomes to save her.

AVATAR – The long awaited James Cameron sci-fi $9 billion-dollar 3-D blockbuster. Judging by the trailer, it’s about the Smurfs coming to life.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MORGANS? – Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant in the Witness Protection Program shuttled off to Wyoming where Brits and Jews blend right in.

POLICE, ADJECTIVE – Underground cop in Romania stakes out a pot smoking kid. Tim Lincecum stars.

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE SQUEAKQUEL – “Let’s do it again!” “No, no, let’s not overdo it.” “But we want to do it again!” “No, really.” “We want to do it again!” “AL-VINN!”

THE IMAGINARIUM OF DOCTOR PARNASSUS – Hopefully not this season’s MR. MAGORIUM’S WONDER EMPORIUM.

IT’S COMPLICATED – No it’s not. It’s FORMULA. Because it’s Nancy Meyers. Rom com for middle-agers. Expect a mixture of 60s hits, lame jokes, and cloying sentimentality. I dare you to make it through the trailer.

The Holiday Movie Preview concludes tomorrow.

Holiday Movie Preview!!

Ho ho ho! It's time for this year's Holiday Movie Preview, or what you'll be seeing on HBO in February.

THE MESSENGER – Ben Foster just back from Iraq gets a fun job in the Army’s Casualty Notification service. And you thought those telemarketers were annoying…

OH MY GOD! – Documentary about faith where some of the world’s leading thinkers are interviewed – like Ringo Starr.

PIRATE RADIO – Hey, they finally released it! For a synopsis see my previous Fall, Summer, Spring, and Winter previews.

2012 – The world blows up. So take out those 30-year loans with big balloon payments in five years. Who gives a shit?

UNCERTAINTY – SLIDING DOORS but with coin flips.

WOMEN IN TROUBLE – Damn! No it’s not a women-in-prison movie. When are we going to get more of those? This is a comedy about the lives of ten women intersecting over the course of a day. Why can’t they do the same movie but they’re incarcerated?

RED CLIFF – Cut down from its original five-hour version, this is the story of China’s Han Dynasty. Now it’s half that length. They took out the whole vase industry thing.

BAD LIEUTENANT: PORT OF CALL NEW ORLEANS – I hope Nick Cage has better luck picking movie roles than business managers.

THE BLIND SIDE – Sandy Bullock takes in a homeless black kid who grows up to be a pro football player and he has the heartbreaking task of telling Ms. B. she’s too uh, “mature” to be one of the team’s cheerleaders.

BROKEN EMBRACES – the 149th collaboration between Pedro Almodovar and Penelope Cruz. This time she plays… aw, what difference does it make?

PLANET 51 – The Rock gets to really show off his acting chops. Animated movie about little green men.

STATEN ISLAND – What happens when the ferry’s late?

ME AND ORSON WELLES – Not a remake of JOSIE AND THE WHALE. This stars HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL’S Zac Efron as an actor in the 30s who talks his way into Welles’ Mercury Theater group. Most people have heard of either Zac Efron or Orson Welles. I wonder how many people have heard of both?

NINJA ASSASSIN – Korean superstar Rain stars in what I assume is a martial arts movie.

OLD DOGS – John Travolta and Robin Williams as two guys who have to baby-sit two seven-year-olds. God, haven’t we seen this movie two hundred times already? A better title might be OLD TRICKS.

THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG – Disney’s hand-drawn animated film. Should be enchanting, magical, and holiday fun for the whole family. And then a ride.

More tomorrow.

SITCOM ROOM 4: An unbiased account from the guy who staged it

Thanks everybody for your anniversary wishes and feedback. It's great to know you're out there.
I think the attendees of SITCOM ROOM 4 are just now catching up on sleep. No one ran screaming from the event so I consider it an irrefutable triumph! Thanks to all those who participated. Hope you learned a lot, discovered some talents you didn't realize you had, and had FUN.

Some random thoughts:

For the first time we had more women attendees than men.

We also had three people from other countries. Austria, Australia, and one gentleman flew in from Ireland, arriving just an hour before the seminar began. He then stayed up late into the night rewriting thus simulating what it was like to be on the staff of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

One of our attendees was an Emmy winner. Well, an Emmy contest winner. She was the girl who sent in a video and was selected to be at the Emmycast and do a few on-air comedy bits like sitting behind the Harlem Globetrotters, that sort of hilarity. It’s a good thing she never read my Emmy review.

A few meeting rooms over was the Kevin Trudeau “Make Millions” seminar. The point man for publicizing that was someone named Ken Levine. That didn’t cause too much confusion. For a moment I thought of combining our two seminars – showing the way to make millions as a TV writer or pork belly futures speculator.

It was a busy weekend at the LAX Hilton. On Sunday the hotel also hosted the Christian Faith Fellowship Service and Glamourcon.

Glamourcon is essentially a convention hall filled with porn stars, Playboy Playmates, “models”, and “actresses” who sign autographs and (for an additional fee) will let you take a picture with them. Among the notables who attended were Ida Ljungqvist (2009 Playmate of the Year, otherwise known in the adult world as “Eyechart”), Hiromi Oshima, Irina Voronina, and Judi Dench.

It was not hard to spot these model/actresses wandering around the hotel. Rarely do you see a platinum blond in 8” heels wearing only a bikini top and anal floss just hanging out in the lobby espresso bar.

One of our writing teams reported there was some porno movie being filmed in the suite across from theirs. Sleazy-looking guys with camera equipment and lights would duck into the room, followed by heavily made-up trollops clad only in bathrobes. You try coming up with a story fix when you hear that kind of commotion next door.

During my Saturday morning lecture most everyone was on their computers. Two or three were actually taking notes. The others were Tweeting or playing Minefield.

The scenes the groups rewrote were performed on Sunday and all were impressive! Every one had good laughs and very imaginative ideas. One had a condom joke and they weren’t even the group next to the porn shoot.

As usual, the writing teams really bonded. After the event they stayed together, either down at the bar or at Glamourcon. I meanwhile, had to dash off and host a three-hour show on KABC radio, talking about the prize fight and all the football games I didn’t see this weekend.

Our panel discussion was a big hit. Tom Straw, Fred Rubin, and Marley Sims regaled the attendees with horror stories and sage advice on how to get into the business, what producers are looking for in specs, new media opportunities, advantages and disadvantages of partnerships, and what it was like writing for Captain Kangaroo. We heard how one showrunner and his star both had bodyguards to protect them from each other (“collaboration” Hollywood style), and maybe the line of the day was from Fred describing an actor who was so bad “he couldn’t say a line the same way once”.

Many thanks to my partner, Dan O’Day; the actors: Andy Goldberg, Barbara Howard, Mark Chaet, and Lucy Adden; the dreaded “studio”: Howard Hoffman; panelists Tom, Fred, and Marley; and production assistants: Dow Chemical & Brock.

All in all it was a great weekend. For me it had a “happy ending” but I’m sure that has a very different meaning at Glamourcon.

The 4th anniversary of my blog!

I can only imagine how much more money I’d be worth if I were on a show that long. But I know I wouldn’t have had as much fun. Since I started back in November of 2005 I have posted 1,645 entries. This is amazing to me because I thought if I post something each day I would run out of ideas in two weeks. But somehow I manage to find new topics, even if I know nothing at all about them. Never let ignorance stand in the way of a good rant.

Anyway, many thanks to all of you for coming here. Without you I’m just writing volumes of material that will never be read – in other words, my spec screenplays.

But it’s been a great ride and I’ve met a lot of terrific new people – fifteen more just this past weekend at the Sitcom Room seminar (hope you guys had as much fun as I did).

As I like to do on these momentous occasions, I’d love to hear from you – especially you new readers and longtime lurkers. Who are you? Where you from? How did you stumble upon this blog? What do you like and don’t like (besides Patty Heaton)? Do you know any good restaurants in Santa Monica? Please leave your responses in the comments section. Thanks much.

On to the next four years. Who knew my little blog would outlive NBC?

Thanks again.

Ken

Sam Spade, Phillip Marlowe, Sherlock Holmes, and Steve Allen

Steve Allen created THE TONIGHT SHOW. He was an enormously talented man. Additionally, he was an accomplished musician and as if that wasn’t enough, a frequent game show panelist. He wrote numerous books on comedy. He won Emmys and God knows what else. He was one of my idols growing up. And one of my comedy writer heroes was his head writer, Stan Burns. But sometimes talent is not limitless. Mr. Allen could do a lot of things but solving crimes wasn't one of them.

Among his many endeavors, he wrote several mystery novels in which he and his wife Jayne Meadows were the two master sleuths. Needless to say there’s just a touch of grandiose ego in these unfathomable tomes. My favorite is MURDER IN VEGAS. Steve and Jayne go to Las Vegas. Steve performs in a big hotel showroom. And the bodies start to fall. The police are baffled. Ah, but not Steverino. Master entertainer by night, dynamite detective by day, Steve Allen does it all. Here are a few ACTUAL hard boiled excerpts. Mickey Spillane, Raymond Chandler – eat your heart out.

********


The first thing I did on coming off stage was to remove my formal dinner jacket and throw it on the couch in my dressing room, picking up a tan windbreaker in its place. From my dressing room closet, I also grabbed a tropical straw hat with a wide brim and a pair of dark glasses: private eye Allen was about to go incognito.
********
In the dream, after having erotic, but unfulfilled designs on an unidentified but highly desirable woman, I was suddenly swimming in an ocean at night…

(There’s an image I could live without – Steve Allen seducing a hot babe. Yikes!)
*********
Jayne reached out once again and felt the leg, a towel-covered thigh, and slowly her hand traced upward over the unconscious form, until coming to a cord wrapped tightly about Christie’s neck. It had been pulled with such vigorous force that Christie’s neck seemed broken, with her head lying to one side at an impossible angle.

Jayne loosened the cord, though she knew it was too late. Her heart was racing. “Oh dear!” she said. It was impossible to fool herself any longer into thinking this was a faint – Christie Hamilton had been murdered.

*********
I cannot claim the distinction of being Jewish, but a whispered “oy” escaped my lips at that moment.
*********
“Mr. Allen… there’s a phone call,” said the pretty slave girl in a pale lavender mini-toga.
********
As for young women, some of them seem to feel that since men are titillated by the revelation of a bit of kneecap, breast, shoulder or navel it logically follows that to quickly proceed to a state of either near or totally nudity is a wise course. They are quite mistaken in this. Or, to put the matter in simpler terms, one Sophia Loren is worth a thousand Madonnas.
*********

(And finally, I kid you not….)

And this young woman too, was obviously trying to sound as if she had spent her early years in a black ghetto. There’s something dumb about that, ladies and germs.

Chuckles follow-up from being there that night

Worth mentioning: Mary did that funeral scene absolutely pitch-perfect. AND she did it again -- a second take -- and was also right on the money. One of the greatest comic performances I have ever seen. And then she duplicated it. Extraordinary.

Chuckles Bites the Dust

I imagine you've probably already seen it (many maybe times)but it's sure worth seeing again. This is David Lloyd's classic MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW episode, "Chuckles Bites the Dust". I've seen it forty times. I still marvel.

Everything you wanted to know about Syd Field and Penny Peyser

As I head off to do another SITCOM ROOM seminar, here are a few Friday Q’s and even A’s:

From Sammy Glick (I love THAT name):

Who is Syd Field and what prompted him to write screenplay instructional books? Do you know of anyone who read the book and went on to write a successful screenplay? What did would be screenwriters do before Syd published his book(s)?

Of all the how-to screenwriting books, his have risen to the top. Not sure what he did before. He doesn’t have a lot of credits. Now he teaches at USC and Harvard and makes a shitload of money conducting seminars.

His three-act structure for screenplays is very sound. If you’re looking for a book on the subject, it’s as good or better than any of the others out there. Certainly better than those goofy “How to Write a Screenplay in Eleven Minutes” books.

According to Field’s website there have been a number of former students who have gone on to write successful movies including John Singleton, Kevin Williamson, and Randi Singer just to list three (of the six).

One word of caution: This goes for all screenwriting books. Use them as guides not the gospel. You do need sound structure but don’t slavishly squeeze your vision into one format.

unkystan has a TONY RANDALL SHOW question:

I was wondering why Devon Scott was replaced by Penny Peyser for season two.

Honestly, CBS wanted someone more attractive. Now usually the trade-off is looks for acting ability but I have to say, with no disrespect to Devon, that in this case Penny was better and funnier.

From leor:

This year, Rob Thomas remade his show Cupid, and although that didn't work, do you think a show like Almost Perfect could be more successful if remade now, with perhaps a more sophisticated audience (if you believe that to be the case in the first place)? And would you ever want to revisit a previous effort that you were proud of and felt didn't get a good enough chance?

Actually, Robin Schiff, David Isaacs and I tossed around the idea of rebooting ALMOST PERFECT but it’s a very hard sell. Networks would much rather try something new. We also wondered if it would be as timely now as when it premiered in 1995. A highly successful career woman trying to balance work and a personal life was novel back then. This was even a few years before ALLY MCBEAL. Now there are any number of them.

The other problem for us was casting. Nancy Travis was just so wonderful and special in the role it’s hard to imagine anyone else playing that part. You spoiled us, Nancy, damn you!

There are a couple of unproduced pilots from our checkered past I’d love to see get another shot. I’d also like a subway on the Westside of Los Angeles.

And finally: From Alan Coil:

In regards to the number of writers on a movie (as opposed to a television series), I'm generally of the opinion that a movie with a large number of writers is likely to be a bad movie.

Does this seem to be true, or am I making a generalization based on anecdotal information?

More often than not it is true. There have been exceptions but what you usually end up getting is a mish-mash of styles. And if a LOT of writers are involved that generally means the script is in trouble.

What you lose is a singular voice and vision. You can argue that writers assigned to rewrite are better and more experienced than the original writers and in many cases this is true. Especially when a studio buys a spec. But ultimately, when is art by committee ever much better?

What’s your question?

Directing in New York

Directing multi-camera shows can be a challenge in the best of conditions but in New York, it can really be a test.

A number of years ago I directed several episodes of LATELINE for NBC in New York. It starred now-Senator Al Franken and was filmed at the Kaufman-Astoria Studios in Queens. We were on the stage next to SESAME STREET. Maria is really hot... but I digress.

Multi-camera shows are generally on five-day schedules. The first day is the table reading and maybe a little rehearsing. The next two days are rehearsing with just the actors. The fourth day the full crew arrives and you do the camera blocking. And then the fifth day you rehearse with cameras and shoot the show that night.

Shows are either on a Monday through Friday schedule or Wednesday through Tuesday. I prefer the latter and explain why in this post from my dusty archives.

LATELINE was on that Wednesday to Tuesday schedule. Usually, you finish shooting a show on Tuesday night and a crew comes in and strikes the swing sets during the middle of the night. When you arrive on Wednesday the new sets for that week’s show are already going up.

Not in New York.

We’d finish Tuesday night and then Wednesday afternoon a crew would wander in to swap out the sets. This pretty much obliterated any rehearsal. I said to the line producer, “Don’t you have crews in New York that can strike sets in the middle of the night?” He said ominously, “Yes. But trust me, you don’t want ‘em.”

O-kay.

To get around this I just didn’t rehearse on Wednesdays. We did the table reading and I sent the actors home and made up the time on Thursday.

One week however we got Allison Janney to guest-star. This was before WEST WING. She was just a very highly respected theater actress then (which isn’t exactly chopped liver). We were thrilled that she accepted the part but had one proviso. She had a prior commitment for Thursday she couldn’t get out of. We said, no problem, we’ll just rehearse on Wednesday instead.

So after the table reading we get down to the stage at about noon. Soon after the striking crew arrives. In order to get the sets in and out they had to open the big stage door. That’s usually not a big issue in Hollywood because you’re on a movie lot. But here you’re on a city street.

The huge door is rolled open and now we’re basically rehearsing in a loud construction site on a street in Queens, right across from a Gyro restaurant, dry cleaners, and lamp repair shop.

And this is November. It’s like a giant Nor’ Easter blew in.

So picture the scene. We’re all rehearsing in parkas and gloves. Noisy crew guys are hammering and banging and crashing into things, wheeling sets in and out, and yelling instructions to each other. And passersby are watching. A few really curious spectators decide to just enter the stage and stand behind me as I try to block the scenes.

When we got to the scene where Allison was supposed to seduce Al and they looked like two Eskimos clinging to each other during a blizzard I called a wrap.

And then to top it off, one of the spectators was annoyed and said to me, “Hey, is that it?”

I love New York. But there are times I greatly prefer Culver City.

In memory of David Lloyd

In the famous “Chuckles Bites the Dust” episode of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, Lou and Murray and Sue Ann just can’t stop laughing at the absurd circumstances that led to their clown colleague’s death. At one point Murray asks why they laugh and Lou elegantly responds:

It's a release, Murray. A kind of defense mechanism. It's like whistling in a graveyard. You try to make light of something because it scares you. We laugh at death because we know death will have the last laugh on us.

The man who wrote that passed away himself this morning. David Lloyd has died after a long illness. He was a true giant in the industry and one of the major influences on our career (me and my partner, David Isaacs). Proud to say we received our first rejection letter from David Lloyd. Seven years later we would work together on CHEERS and I mentioned that to him. He was very apologetic. I think his exact words were: “Then I’m sure the script was a piece of shit.”

We wound up working with him for twenty years. Most of what I learned about rewriting and pitching in a room I learned from observing David Lloyd. There’s never been anybody like him. He was a cyclone. Once a week, on his night to consult, he’d sweep into the room (wearing his customary white shirt with red pin stripes) and completely dominate it. Always bringing positive energy, very strong opinions (about EVERYTHING), hilarious anecdotes, and the jokes that would get the best laughs in the show.

He was so bright, and so fast. The show runner would say, “We need a joke here for…” and bam! David would have it before he finished his sentence. He was awe-inspiring and I don’t mind saying – intimidating as hell! If you pitched a bad joke, duck!

So you learned to pitch good jokes. He made you better.

And room writing wasn’t even his best act. David Lloyd also wrote the best first drafts. Normally when a writer turns in a first draft the staff rewrites it to a varying degree. Not David’s. You sent his right down to the stage. When you see a David Lloyd writing credit on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, THE ASSOCIATES, RHODA, PHYLLIS, CHEERS, TAXI, FRASIER, LOU GRANT, BEST OF THE WEST, AMEN, or WINGS you are seeing his original work.

Story meetings with David were unique. Generally the staff and writer pitch out ideas and eventually cobble together a story. The writer takes extensive notes, goes home, and writes the outline. David kept no notes. Ever. Even with a million thoughts flying around. He’d come back three days later with an outline that contained every detail. Contrast that with David and me. Even taking furious notes we still taped the story meetings because invariably we would forget or miss something important. David Lloyd kept it all in his head.

And his outlines themselves were a thing to behold. No other CHEERS writer that I know could get away ending a scene by saying, “Carla says something really crass and stupid here and we move on before the audience hates her.”

David Lloyd attended Yale where he was classmates with such notables as Dick Cavett and Richard Maltby Jr.. He went on to write for Jack Paar, Dick Cavett, and the TONIGHT SHOW. Legend has it (a legend perpetuated by him) that he wanted to come out to California so he dashed off a spec MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW without ever having seen the show and he sold it. And throughout his entire sitcom career he never had an agent. He negotiated his own deals. Like I said, there was no one like him.

He had a passion for the finer things – art, literature, wine, model trains. He was the Algonquin Round Table but funnier and more caustic.

The first sitcom filming my partner and I ever attended was a MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. It just happened to be “Chuckles Bites the Dust”. We walked out of there in awe. I remember saying, “Do you think we could ever write anything that good?” and David answered, “No one can.”

He was right.

I go back to that classic funeral scene. As the preacher is delivering a eulogy Mary begins stifling laughs. The preacher spots her, asks her to stand, and says this:

You feel like laughing, don't you? Don't try to stop yourself. Go ahead. Laugh out loud. Don't you see? Nothing could have made Chuckles the happier. He lived to make people laugh. He found tears offensive. He hated to see people cry. Go ahead, my dear -- laugh.

As Mary (and everyone who ever knew and was touched by him) bursts into tears, we:

FADE OUT.

Here is a link to the script of “Chuckles Bites the Dust”. See for yourself the brilliance that was David Lloyd.

One of those great Hollywood stories

Looking forward to the Sitcom Room seminar this weekend. It’s for would-be writers not looking for short cuts. As opposed to this story:

I was a Story Editor on MASH and was invited to speak to a sitcom writing class at UCLA along with my friend Larry, who at the time was a Story Editor on RHODA. We talked about how to break into the business – the importance of writing great spec scripts. Do’s and don’ts (a lot of which I’ll be discussing this weekend although writing a spec BARNEY MILLER is no longer a “do”.)

We stressed the need for hard work, really studying the shows, setting high standards for yourself. That was the path to a script assignment for one of our shows.

A friend of mine was in the class and overheard the following:

Two coeds talking. Near the end of our discussion one turned to the other.

COED #1: So what do you think, Ken or Larry?

COED #2 (after some consideration): I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather get a RHODA.

Postscript: Neither of us got lucky that night. And she never got a RHODA. But it was nice to know the students really were taking our career advice seriously.

Dressing like Captain Kirk

Here's another taste of my growing up in the 60s in LA book. Some friends have said, "Why are you posting this? No one will buy a book if they can read it for free?" Well, I'm not sure anyone will buy this book anyway, but what I'm sharing are just small snippets. There's another 90%. Or at least there will be when I finish writing it. Anyway...

January 1967

Historians claim 1967 was a year of growing polarization. The Hippies vs. the Establishment. Hawks vs. Doves. Long hair vs. short hair. But every year was a year of polarization. Those merely joined the list of: Jocks vs. Me. Scholars vs. Me. Musicians vs. Me. Goyim vs. Me. Guys Who Could Get Girlfriends vs. Me.

My wardrobe was starting to change. I wore jeans (when I wasn’t at school or at work so four hours a week). I recall having a gold velour long sleeve shirt for some ungodly reason. Did I want to look like Captain Kirk? Add to the list: Me vs. Me.

The very first Superbowl took place in Los Angeles in January. It didn’t have a Roman Numeral because no one was certain there’d be a Superbowl II. Both CBS and NBC carried it.

Except it was blacked out in L.A. The 100,000 seat Coliseum wasn’t close to selling out. The Superbowl is a major event today but back then it was more of a novelty. The established NFL was far superior to the upstart AFL. It was like when John Ratzenberger was invited to compete in DANCING WITH THE STARS. The mighty Vince Lombardi led Green Bay Packers easily defeated the Kansas City Chiefs 35-10.

But people in Southern California were pissed that access to the telecast was blocked. There were articles in the paper showing how you could string wire hangers together and create antennas strong enough to receive the signal from San Diego. There were probably more deaths that year in Los Angeles from idiots falling off of roofs than car accidents.

I did get to see the game. We visited my grandfather who was in the Veteran’s Hospital in West Los Angeles and somehow they were provided a feed. So me, my little brother, and fifty of the scariest old men you’ve ever seen in ratty blue bathrobes on crutches toting portable oxygen tanks sat in the dayroom and watched one black-and-white TV. I’m proud to say I attended the first ever Superbowl Party.

I can also say I was the first person at Taft (or anywhere where white people lived in the Valley) to discover Wolfman Jack. One night I was tuning around my radio looking for distant signals and came upon this eerie station from Mexico. The music was all hard R&B and Blues and the disc jockey had this macabre otherworldly voice drenched in echo. He called himself the Wolfman and was broadcasting on the “Big X” – XERB. His only sponsor was something called “Mr. Satisfy”, a bottle of pills you could send away to Tijuana for that was guaranteed to give you guys “staying power” in the sack. This was quite a contrast to Dippity-Do hair gel being hawked on KHJ. What I loved most about the Wolfman was how subversive he was, how utterly non mainstream. A few years later he’s starring in George Lucas movies, trading Muddy Waters songs for Bobby Vee oldies on a syndicated radio show, hosting network dance parties, and emceeing shows at Knott’s Berry Farm.

Add to our list: The deeply committed vs. the sell-outs.

At least in the early part of 1967 the deeply committed were still holding strong though.

For the moment.

Boomers may deny it but who’re we kidding? At some point within the next few years the huge majority of us succumbed in some way or another to our own personal “Knott’s Berry Farm”.

The Cartoon IQ Test

From the recent issue of THE NEW YORKER magazine.

It's from their cartoon issue. They have a feature called "the Cartoon IQ Test" I DON'T GET IT.

What it is is a good lesson in what NOT to do when writing a joke. If a punch line is vague it's a bad joke. I feature two of their examples. And here's the key. Even once you know the actual captions these jokes are still not funny.

Audiences have to follow. If they're groping around trying to get what you're going for, you're dead. And trust me, they won't grope for long. No one wants to put in a lot of effort when it comes to a joke. It's clear, you get it, you laugh. It's not clear, you don't bother.

The first example is some sort of metaphor but that's a big leap. In the second one you have no idea what those puddles are. If they are blood he's lost about a pint already. If the puddles are oil then why does a bicycle need to carry that much oil?

I get the sense that this feature is designed to put the blame on you for not getting the jokes. After all, it is the New Yorker, and if you don't get the jokes then you're obviously just not smart enough. But it's not your fault. It's the writer's. These jokes are not "ahead of their time". They're poorly constructed.

This is the kind of stuff we'll deal with this weekend in The Sitcom Room. Looking forward to meeting you attendees.

Anyway, here's the explanation and two examples from the feature:

I Don’t Get It On occasion, we publish a cartoon so ahead of its time that it boggles the mind, making us reconsider the very essence of comedy itself. We present here five of these confusing cartoons, along with their intended meanings. But watch out—each cartoon is accompanied by three unintended meanings. See if you can determine the real one, or just sigh, give up, and check the answers below.

1

1.
The caption is: "Marsha!"

A. The plug is shocked to see someone using a Type A socket with no ground slot, thus increasing the chances of an electrical fire.

B. “Marsha!,” like our “23 skiddoo,” is a hilarious catchphrase that all the kids are saying today.

C. A talking electrical plug? Now, that’s just plain goofy!

D. Using a metaphor, this cartoon shows how funny it is that human sexual intercourse can often feel as cold and mechanical as the transfer of A.C. electricity from a socket to a plug.

2

2.
The caption is: "Maybe you shouldn't try to shave on the way to work."

A. The biker is upset because he has shaved off his prized goatee.

B. The biker accidentally nicked his bike’s oil reserve while shaving.

C. The biker has attempted to multitask by shaving while riding his bicycle to work, and the result is facial lacerations and comical amounts of blood loss.

D. As the old saying goes, “Shave on the way to work, you're a Grade A jerk.”

The answers are D and C.

P.S.
Me again. In reference to some of the commenters: I don't mean to suggest that all New Yorker cartoons aren't funny. Quite the opposite. For the most part I think they are. In fact, I think they have a very high batting average. And trust me, I am NOT an intellectual. I'm just reacting to this feature. When I read it I thought, "Oooh, what a good learning tool." However, I FULLY agree that the winning entries of their weekly caption contest are usually lame.

What will become of the kids on MAD MEN?

The MAD MEN third season finale airs Sunday night. Another great year. As usual, there’s been a lot of speculation as to what’s going to happen. Will the Drapers split up? Will the Sterlings split up? Will the Campbells split up? Will the Harris’ split up? Will Sterling-Cooper split up? Will the Beatles split up?

But no one seems to speculate on Don & Betty’s kids. So let me be the first. This is how I envision their children will turn out.

SALLY DRAPER – Will reject everything her mother is and stands for. Lives for the day she can put her in a home. Attends Northwestern University in the early 70s and adopts the “Carole King” look – jeans, peasant blouse, long frizzy hair. Infuriates her mother by dating a Black Panther and then really sends her over the side by dating a Jew. She gets back at her dad too by sleeping with Roger and Pete. Develops commitment issues and prefers the company of married men. Sally finds herself the subject of tabloids when Nelson Rockefeller dies between her legs.

BOBBY DRAPER – Will always remain close with his sister. She’s the only person who didn’t completely ignore him. (How ignored was he? Three different actors have now played the part. Did you even notice?) Is freebasing by the time he’s 16, an alcoholic by 17, and a sex change operation by 18, where he changes his name to Sally.

GENE DRAPER – Joins the Army, becomes an Adjutant General, discovers his father’s shady military past, and sends him to Leavenworth for twenty years.

What to you think???

The night our warm-up guy turned on the audience

Tuesday was election day (I learned on Wednesday). I am reminded of the election episode my partner, David and I wrote for the TONY RANDALL SHOW.

I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show. Below is the opening and closing title sequences. (It's amazing we had any time to actually do the show, the opening titles were so friggin' long.)

In this particular episode, Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Judge, his opponent dies during the election but too late for his name to be removed from the ballot. Lo and behold, he wins. Tony was beaten by a dead man. The show played great all week with hardly any changes. We were expecting great things.

And then on show night, in front of the audience – death, nothing, tumbleweeds, crickets.

Needless to say, we were stymied.

One of the executive producers was doing the warm-up, and was so mad he turned on the audience. (It didn’t help that the entire staff was drinking frozen margaritas in the prop room between scenes).

He started saying things like, “Hey, I think your hearse is waiting”, “Hey, wasn’t that moderately amusing?”, and the tag was Tony entering his office which was now completely empty (his furniture moved in anticipation of the certain victory) to which the warm-up man shouted at the audience, “Get it?! What’s different about that room? Anybody?”

It was only after the crowd filed out that we learned the truth. The entire audience was Hispanic, bussed in, and spoke no English.

Remember all the bad things I said about the laugh track? We sure used it that week.

How do we determine screen credits?

Welcome to Friday question day. If you have one the comments section beckons.

gottacook asks:

Ken, since you've been on an arbitration committee, could you perhaps write a little about the process when a credit is contested? Just in a general sense, without mention of any specific movie or TV script?

First off the arbitration process offers great protection to writers. It prevents directors and producers and producers' mistresses from just slapping their names on scripts. To get screen credit you need to earn it.

This is a topic that could fill a book but here’s just the brief overview.

When more than one writer is attached to a project it is up to an arbitration committee to assign credit. WGA members are asked to volunteer their time to serve on these committees. Three arbiters are assigned to each case and at least two of the three will have already done at least two arbitrations. I've probably done ten or fifteen.

If you agree to participate in an arbitration you are sent a packet with whatever pertinent material there is. You never know the identity of the writers. They are referred to as Writer A, Writer B, and so on. If there are two writers you might receive two outlines and two or three drafts. But it could get more complicated. For the movie THE FLINTSTONES there were a ton of writers (maybe as many as twenty). The poor arbitrators were given boxes of scripts. Imagine reading twenty different Flintstones screenplays. I’m getting the vapors just thinking about it.

Along with the scripts, outlines, etc. each writer includes a statement pleading his or her (or their) case. These can be very impassioned. "I sacrificed a kidney so I could more accurately portray what this character was going through", etc.

You are also given the Television Credits Manual. This is your bible. Based on these guidelines you make your decision. It spells out exactly what is considered a teleplay, story, television story (not the same thing), and source material. There is criteria for narration, dialogue, characters, story construction and what constitutes significant changes. Sound complicated? It can be at times. There are consultants on call to help you clarify things.

Another factor -- you must make your determination based SOLELY on the Television Credits Manual. You can’t go by the quality of the work. Just because Writer B’s script is better and funnier doesn’t necessarily mean he deserves to share credit with Writer A.

And the complications continue. You may be arbitrating a pilot. Several writers might have drafts and specific takes on the material. And then there may be source material – adaptations of movies, mini-series, spin-offs. Is a writer entitled to “created by” credit or “developed by” credit? The royalties are different for both.

The arbiter makes his determination then drafts a statement explaining his decision.

The writers involved do have opportunities to appeal but that’s for another post.

Needless to say it’s a subjective process and there are problems and inequities in the system but it’s still the best determination of credits we have. If someone dreams up a better method we’re all ears.

From Stephen:

With studios releasing what seems like every short-lived or classic television to series, and fans practically badgering these studios for more bonus features, i.e. Audio commentaries, are there any shows you have worked on that you would have liked to have done an audio commentary for? I imagine you would have had fun discussing one of the many "Bar Wars" episodes on Cheers.

I guess this blog is sort of my own personal audio track. Yes, it would be fun to share those stories. I have done commentary for our SIMPSONS episodes. It’s a bizarre process. They just screen the episode and you offer drive-by reflections and stories. The show ends, you go home.

What I’d really like to see is ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis come out on DVD. We did 34 episodes, more than enough for a DVD. It kills me that it isn’t available and yet you can buy every season of the DORIS DAY SHOW. Who the fuck is looking to buy the complete set of DORIS DAY SHOWS? You can see some of the ALMOST PERFECT episodes on YouTube.

And finally, from Daniel Solzman:

With regards to keeping a sitcom on the air, which has a larger role--ratings, critical acclaim, or awards?

RATINGS!! RATINGS!!! RATINGS!! You can win the Emmy for Best Comedy and still be cancelled if the numbers aren’t there. Just ask ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

Again, because I’m not sure I was clear enough – RATINGS!!!

The new Hollywood is Santa Clarita!

Hooray for Santa Clarita
That screwy, ballyhooey Santa Clarita
...Go out and try your luck,
You might be Donald Duck
Hooray for Santa Clarita

The Walt Disney Company last week announced that it would build a 56-acre production facility in Santa Clarita, which is in the middle of nowhere on the way to Bakersfield. The reason is simple – to cut down on runaway production costs.

When you hear “Santa Clarita” in the news or read about it in the papers it’s usually accompanied by the word “evacuations”. Until now, brush fires have been its claim to fame.

But soon it will be the show business capital of the world!

There are already shows that film out there. All of the CSI’s and NCIS’s, BIG LOVE, and several Fox Family Channel sitcoms. 24 as well, which is perfect for Jack Bauer since Santa Clarita is also the home of the NYX Sleep Disorder Center.

This is all part of the mass exodus from Hollywood due to skyrocketing production costs and tax demands. Shows that once were housed in major studios are now being filmed in New Mexico, Connecticut, and to prove how nuts things are – ABC moved UGLY BETTY from LA to New York. New York is cheaper???

Meanwhile, Paramount Studios is practically a ghost town today.

The once proud Hollywood Lane Parade will soon become the daily commute on the 405 and 5 freeways. I predict that one month after Disney opens their new Santa Clarita studio 80% of its employees will be in traffic school to get their speeding tickets erased from their record.

Lots of folks will be inconvenienced but hey, they still have jobs. It’s the non-industry people who my heart goes out to.

For example: Starline Tour guides. This can’t be easy for them. Instead of saying, “This was where Clark Gable kissed Vivien Leigh in GONE WITH THE WIND”, they’ll now have to say, “This is the warehouse where for years most of the country’s tampons were stored.” It’s just not the same. Not to mention the extra hour driving time to get to that warehouse. And what do they fill with along the way? “If you look to your right, just past the Roscoe exit, you can see the Chevron station where Chloe Sevigny took her car when it once overheated.”

In theory, these new studios mean more room to stretch out. But even with all the acres of extra space you know there still won’t be sufficient parking for writers. They’ll have to leave their cars at the Home Depot and take the shuttle.

But if there is a silver lining to all this production moving to where Moses left his sandals it’s that show runners might receive a little less interference. Network and studio execs tend not to go to places they can’t find.

Still, it’s a little sad. The end of an era. There was always a certain aura and mystique about Hollywood. It’s where they made the “magic” and it was special. The Dream Factory was never adjacent to the glue factory. Alas, in a few years, “Tinsel Town” will be changed to just “Tin Town”.

Hooray indeed.

How I spent my endless summer vacation

Oh no! A baseball post! Don't worry. It's really a humor piece disguised as a sports article disguised as something worth reading. The HuffingtonPost is starting a Sports section and asked me to write something for their inaugural run. Thought I'd share it with you first. Really, it's safe.

It’s hard to believe the World Series is wrapping up. The baseball season is so very short. It has been my pleasure this year to co-host Dodger Talk with Josh Suchon after every game on Talkradio 790 KABC. I kept a journal so I wouldn’t forget all the unforgettable moments. This may differ from the “official” season-in-revue but they miss the really important things.

February 24 – Arrive in Phoenix for Spring Training. Got a great deal on the rental car. Only $49 a day! But with state tax, airport concession fees, stadium tax, airport surcharge, and city tax it comes to $250 a day.

March 12 – Dodgers beat Team Korea. There were more recognizable players on the Korean team.

March 13 – Manny Ramirez re-signs with the Dodgers for $45 million. Immediately pulls a hamstring.

March 14 – I do play-by-play on the Dodgers-Brewers game. My Valentino Pascucci home run call is one for the ages. Plans are made for Pascucciwood section of Dodger Stadium.

April 4 – Valentino Pascucci sent to the minors.

April 6 – Travel to San Diego for opening day. Padres celebrate their 40th anniversary with highlight film of the team’s rich history. It lasts all of two minutes. This is actually not a joke.

April 13 – The home opener. All the local radio and TV sportscasters are there. I never see half of them again. Dodgers crush the Giants 11-1. Orlando Hudson hits for the cycle, prompting several of these noted sportscasters to say, “Orlando Hudson is with the Dodgers?”

May 4 – It’s Dodger magnetic calendar/Heimlich Maneuver chart night – just one of many great giveaways this season.

May 6 – The Dodgers win their record-setting 13th home game in a row. Nothing can stop them now!

May 7 – Manny Ramirez is suspended 50 games for failing a drug test. He took one of the few female fertility drugs not approved by Major League Baseball. Dodgers jump out to a 6-0 lead against Washington in the first inning. Everyone says they’re making a statement. Not sure what that statement is because they lose 11-9.

May 12 – Head groundskeeper bobblehead night. The Dodgers beat New York 3-2 moments after they were trailing 3-2. Mets’ third baseman Ryan Church failed to touch third and instead of scoring a run is called out. The Mets commit 5 errors. But only 4 are costly.

May 22 – Every Friday is Fireworks night at Dodger Stadium. This week’s stirring patriotic theme: the music of the Louisiana Purchase.

May 23 – The Dodgers triumph 5-3 over the Angels. It’s a rare opportunity for Dodger fans to join the rest of the world in chanting “Beat L.A.”

May 28 – The Dodgers sweep the Rockies in Colorado. Juan Pierre, filling in for Manny Remorseful is hitting about .400. And this is without any “help”. Dodger fans are relieved to learn Pierre has no plans to start a family.

June 2 – Dodger fleece straightjacket night proves to be a big draw as they beat somebody 6-5.

June 13 – Interleague play finds the boys taking on their arch-rivals, the Texas Rangers in Arlington. Josh and I do two hours of mid-game “Dodger Light Malfunction Talk” as one of the light towers goes out and the Rangers have to call around for an electrician who (a) will work on a Saturday night, (b) isn’t already hammered, and (c) will accept payment in Rangers tickets.

June 26 – Another big Fireworks Night. The Dodgers beat the Mariners 8-2 and the big crowd sticks around for spectacular pyrotechnics set to the music of Bjork.

July 3 – Travel with team to San Diego/New York/Milwaukee to cover the return of Manny Ramirez. In press conference he drops bombshell by revealing: “God is good and good is God”.

July 4 – As patriotic gesture and ploy to sell more MLB merchandise, all teams asked to wear red caps. The Cardinals and Phillies refuse.

July 7 – In New York, ESPN’s Erin Andrews hit with a foul ball.

July 11 – More big stars news: Ernest Borgnine throws out the first pitch in Milwaukee.

July 12 – Infielder Blake DeWitt sent down to Albuquerque… for the sixth time this season. Passes himself in the airport.

July 14 – All-Star Game. The National League loses for the 67th straight year. President Obama throws out the first pitch. Ernest Borgnine has a better arm. Erin Andrews attends unharmed.

July 16 – The second half begins with Manny’s return to Dodger Stadium. Receives a warm reception. Juan Pierre gets standing ovation. Giveaway: Dodger eyeglass cleaning cloth night.

July 17 – Fireworks Night: A musical salute to the SAW film franchise.

July 22 – Manny Ramirez (now in his second trimester) socks pinch-hit grand slam against Cincinnati on Manny Ramirez bobblehead night. Juan Pierre gets standing ovation.

July 25 – The annual Hollywood Stars game (pictured above). Got to emcee it. Interviewed the lead singer of Good Charlotte and asked how it was to be the lead singer of Creed? A gentle reminder that I’m 200 years old.

August 4 -- Milwaukee Brewer Prince Fielder tries to break into the Dodger clubhouse to beat the crap out of pitcher Guillermo Mota. Security guard alertly recognizes he is not a county census taker and denies entrance.

August 18 – the frozen yogurt machine in the press lounge is on the fritz. Didn’t record whether the Dodgers won or lost. Too upset.

August 23 -- The annual media game. For the first time in six years Fox Sports’ Ben Maller doesn’t wind up in ICU. I do the play-by-play for KABC. It’s the nadir of my sportscasting career.

August 31 – Major brush fires in Los Angeles. Dodgers lose 5-3 to Arizona. Matt Kemp seemingly hits a home run but the ball flies right into the teeth of the soot and stays in the park.

September 12 – Join team in San Francisco. Giants have giveaway: Map of LA that show O.J. Simpson’s house, the Bronco route, Phil Spector’s house, streets to avoid when Halle Berry is driving, the site of the Rodney King incident, and the Spahn Ranch.

September 13 – Blake DeWitt called up for the ninth time.

September 14 – Blake DeWitt flies back to Albuquerque just out of habit.

September 15 – Andre Either hits 4th walk-off homer of the season but the Elias Sports Bureau won’t recognize it because it was hit against the Pirates.

October 3 – Crowd is very loud. I question the wisdom of Dodger Leaf Blower Day. Team snaps 5 game losing streak to clinch the Division title.

October 10 – In St. Louis for celebration as Dodgers sweep Cardinals in the NLDS. There’s no trophy because well...they haven’t actually won anything.

October 21– Worse than the yogurt machine going out -- Dodgers lose the pennant to the Philadelphia Phillies. Long flight home. Players so upset not one spends $200,000 on items from the Sky Mall.

And that’s it for 2009. Great times, great memories, and great team (except at the end). Thanks to the Dodgers and KABC for a terrific year. Next season will be here before you know it. Pitchers and catchers due in February. Manny Ramirez due in January.

But wait! There's MORE!

Here are a few follow-ups to some recent posts.

I ranted that certain actresses just keep getting part after part. One I cited was Kim Raver, who was in 24 and 52 other series. Here she is pictured above starring in three at once. I see that she’s just joined the cast of GREY’S ANATOMY. Seriously. How many network presidents did she pull from burning buildings?

The two most viewed posts from the archives: The Traci Lords Family Show and HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD. Combine them and I think you have the next great reality show. Although I imagine the network would replace Traci Lords with Kim Raver.

On my rant about Social Network Rejection, my daughter/pig lover, Annie reminded me of another indignity. You’ve befriended someone. Unbeknown to you they’ve un-friended you. And then they pop up as a “Suggestion of someone you might know”. Ouch!

Remember way back in March that Phillip Seymour Hoffman movie I was so geeked up to see that was supposed to open in June? And then August? And then September? It’s finally opening next week. I guess the studio thought it was so good it ultimately wanted to move it closer to Veteran's Day.

HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD looks like it’s getting picked up for a second season. This time it might be set in Austin. New title? HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD WHO COULDN’T FIND WORK SO THEY SOLD THEIR HOUSE, MOVED TO AUSTIN AND HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE AND LIVE COMFORTABLY ON THE ALIMONY THEY SOON WILL BE GETTING.

Earl Pomerantz is recovering nicely. He greatly appreciates your good wishes.

I did a piece complaining about Time-Warner Cable’s customer service. Recently I received this comment. The coward who wrote it didn’t leave a name (of course). But I guess we have to assume that he’s a Time-Warner Cable employee. Here’s what he writes.

It's called job security you freaking idiots! We (technicians) don't fix your problems all the time because if we fixed all the problems, we wouldn't have jobs.

Plus, most of the trouble calls I go to are people who don't know how to use a freaking remote control, or just want a extra one.

If you actually READ the information that we give you, it tells you how to operate the darn box. If you "never received the information kit", go to the mall and pick it up.

No, do not make an appointment to change your box. That is why you have your service centers (The mall). Everytime someone asks me to change the box, I tell them to go to the mall. They always get upset because now they actually have to DO something. Oh my gosh! Poor you!

Before you ask for a HD box, at least know what HD is, and don't ask for one just because your friend has one.

You people are freaking morons, yeah... "YOU PEOPLE".

Hey, Time-Warner, is this the kind of attitude your support staff has or is he just a giant asshole?

Teacup Pigs

It seems the new rage in domestic pets is pigs –- teacups pigs to be exact (although not really exact because they’re only the size of teacups when they’re born. They grow to be teahouse pigs.). They’re clean, odor-free, very little shedding, won’t destroy your house (always a plus), affectionate, loyal, and won’t bark. Very few burglars are scared off by “oink oink” but what idiot gets a pig for security anyway?

They live to be about fifteen or twenty years and they can be trained to do things like ride skateboards and play golf so they’re perfect for bringing into bars. And if you’re really a sick individual you can teach it to walk around with an apple in its mouth.

Just like a dog they need exercise. You take them for walks on a leash. Think of how much better the Diane Lane movie would have been had it been called MEN WHO LOVE PIGS.

There are downsides to owning a teacup pig. Finding a kennel may be a major challenge. Very few have sties. Getting your folks to pig sit may take some arm-twisting. And apparently they have trouble negotiating stairs. Hitting a golf ball farther than Greg Norman is no problem but two steps between the foyer and living room is a major gadilla.

The big problem is they eat like, well… pigs. Meat, vegetables, Hostess anythings, dog food, even Popeye’s Chicken – you name it, they’ll gulp it. So you have to be careful to limit their consumption otherwise your cute little domestic pet will use your Chihuahua for dental floss.

My daughter, Annie would like a teacup pig. And she’s enlisting your help.

I am currently accepting donations to "Annie Levine's Teacup Pig Foundation." I promise to take good care of the little oinker. I'll walk him, cuddle with him, take him to the market, feed him roast beef, and take him "wee wee wee" all the way home. I'm currently deciding between naming him "Kosher" and "Traif," and would also like your opinion on the matter. Here are some reasons why I should own a micro pig:

1) They're adorable
2) I won't have the biggest nose on my block
3) We'll be Best Boars Forever
4) My dad would get a grand-pig
5) I heard George Clooney has one

How could you need more reason than that?

Love,
Annie