Funny Fotos Day

Who doesn't love a little visual humor?

They do charge if you want a rollaway bed for them, however.

This is for real,

If Pole Dancing becomes an Olympic Sport I see her getting the Gold.

From my friend, Russ Woody -- an actual sign in a bathroom in Russia.

Hey, it's hard to find crap that's really fresh.

Ana from 50 SHADES OF GREY -- her car.

An authentic newspaper ad.  Back when the whole family drank beer... even the kids.

Okay.  I just couldn't resist.

And finally, here's a photo I took myself.  On Ventura Blvd. in Studio City they have plaques on the sidewalk like they do in Hollywood.  But in Studio City they salute those great movies and TV shows that were filled there.  Including this one:

Me on WGN ... see how bad my hair was

Why write a movie?

Greetings from Chicago where I’m on the road with the Mariners. Calling tonight’s game on 710 ESPN in Seattle, the M's Radio Network, and MLB.COM. But before that, how about some Friday Questions Chicago Style (even though I have no idea what that means)?

To start off, here’s Paul in Chicago:

Writers Ed Solomon & Chris Matheson, who have written some big feature films, are writing the 3rd Bill & Ted movie...apparently on spec. My question for you: is it the economy that creates a situation where established writers will write a full movie screenplay on spec?

Would YOU, Mr. Established Writer, write a movie script on spec?

I have written several movies on spec. Sold two. I never consider myself too established or important that I can’t write something on spec.

Writing screenplays on speculation has its advantages. You have the freedom to write what you want. You’re not forced to take studio or producer notes. That’s a BIG advantage. And you can make a lot more money if you sell your spec, especially if several studios are interested and a bidding war results. That’s when there are articles about you in the LA TIMES Calendar section and young writers justifiably despise you.

Writing on spec is becoming more and more prevalent because studios are developing fewer scripts in house. It’s much harder to sell a pitch these days. And the only writers who are invited to pitch are on the A list or Lena Dunham.

Pitching itself has become an ordeal. It used to be you could come in with a premise, maybe a rough idea of where it goes, a few jokes and you were in. My partner and I sold a movie pitch about a TV comedy writer who becomes a minor league baseball announcer (know anyone like that?). This was the pitch: BULL DURHAM meets GOOD MORNING, VIETNAM. Sold! Just like that. Today you have to have the whole film outlined, and if it’s a comedy you need to present three or four set comedy pieces. You also are advised to have the one-sheet poster worked out and even a tagline for the movie. Again, that’s if you’re one of the lucky few who is even permitted to pitch.

Now the downside to writing screenplays on spec: If you don’t sell it (and most don’t), you’ve put in a lot of work and probably invested six months or more and for your trouble and passion you get back exactly squat.

And nowadays your agent goes out with the script and if it doesn’t sell in like three days it’s DEAD. That’s not how it used to be. There were more producers and it’s the old story – you just have to sell it to one. So even if 40 producers passed, if one said yes you were off to the races. But now info travels almost instantly around town. So if a producer at Warners passes, five minutes later a hundred other producers get that information. A few of those come in and producers figure “if they didn’t respond to it then I’m sure neither will I.” They either don’t bother reading or read with an expectation that it’s not very good.  And agents are reluctant to send out material that has been exposed.

In a sense, one influential producer who doesn’t respond to your script can kill it for the whole town. One guy.

So clearly, you write as your own risk. But like I said, most screenwriters no longer have a choice these days.

Kevin has a two-part question:

What would it take to get you to write for or show run a sitcom again?

An idea I was burning to do, or a Brinks truck pulling up to my house. I’ve eaten too much take out Chinese food.

Follow up question: Have you ever thought of writing on a Hour long drama say "Justified"?

Would love to if it’s the right show. JUSTIFIED is one of my favorite shows but ironically I don’t think I could write for it. I don’t really know those redneck hillbilly assholes. I love that the show takes me into a world I’d never enter, but as a writer I would have no command of that world. Same with ONCE UPON A TIME. I dig the show but I would need to spend some time in Fairy Tale Land – y’know, just walking around the Queen’s castle, hanging with Little Red Riding Hood and some of the dwarfs, maybe mixing up some magic potions – really get a lay of the land. I’m sure all the ONCE UPON A TIME writers all did that, but I just don’t have the time.

If someone were willing to help me with the legalese I would love to write a GOOD WIFE or SUITS. And MY SO CALLED LIFE isn’t still on the air, is it? I could sooo write that show.

From Mike:

Would Fawlty Towers have stood any chance whatsoever of being made by US TV? Either back in 1974 or today?

It was adapted in the U.S. Several times. One with John Larroquette and the other with (wait for it…) Bea Arthur. Both attempts bombed horribly.

I think the key to FAWLTY TOWERS was John Cleese. Without John, you have well-crafted scripts but no real show. Also, that British sensitivity, the constant civility even in the most trying times. Americans don’t react that way. We should. We’d be funnier.

And finally, we go to Washington D.C. and Robert’s question:

Was there any particular reason that all the barflies in cheers, i.e. had their real name as their characters first name?

It was easier, plain and simple. We only gave them a line or two and never had to worry who played who. Unless the actor’s real name was Sam or Norm or Cliff, in which case he was assigned a different name.

Thanks for the great questions.  What's yours? Leave it in the comments section.

Don't make Usher introduce his own songs

I have one of the most useless talents of all-time. I’m really good at talking over the instrumental intros of records and finishing my sentence just before the singing starts. :08 second intro, :21 second intro – makes no difference. I can nail it. And without looking at a stopwatch or a countdown clock, thank you very much. If there are punctuated shouts in the intro (the Stones and the Boss do this a lot), I talk up to those too. I was the Blue Man Group of radio.

And at one time that was a highly respected skill… among radio people. I don’t think listeners really gave a shit. If I was funny and identified the artist they were happy. But fellow disc jockeys appreciated the timing. I’m sure Benihana chefs bow to the one who can flip discarded shrimp tails into his pocket.

Radio did teach me brevity. When you’ve got a funny concept but only a :16 second intro, there’s no wiggle room. You’ve got to construct the joke to fit :16 seconds exactly. And you learn to really polish your delivery. If you have too many words you wind up rushing and the comedy goes away. If you have too few words you finish your punch line early and then there’s four seconds you’re just standing out there with your whistle in your hand. You develop pace, tailoring your rap to the groove of the song. All of this is great training for a comedy writer.

But forget it because it’s all dead. Stations don’t have disc jockeys anymore. And if they do they’re generally not live or they’re Ryan fucking Seacrest (as part of his mission to take the job of as many workers in as many fields as he can).

Their “shows” are a series of pre-recorded voice tracks. There’s no call for talking up to vocals anymore. It’s like being a newspaper typesetter or Kathleen Turner’s body double.

Could personality disc jockeys work with today’s listeners? Sure. Who wouldn’t want a little entertainment on top of their tunes? But it’s a moot point because three companies own every radio station and they’re all looking to operate on the same budget as a lemonade stand. (Someday soon internet radio will be readily accessible in your car and a lemonade stand will be worth more than Clear Channel and Cumulus. I anxiously await that day.)

But terrestrial radio, as we know it today, has changed the music scene. The absence of disc jockeys also means there’s no one to tell you who sang what. You hear a new song you like, you don’t know who sings it. That’s problematic for the artists too. Listeners can’t buy your song if they don’t know whose name to type in. You can’t expect people to whip out their Shazam app every time you get an airplay.

So artist now have been forced to announce themselves in their songs. Usher springs to mind. He’ll sing “Usher, Usher, Usher” at the top of a song. And have you noticed that Lady Gaga manages to get “Gaga” into every song? Million-dollar talent are reduced to wearing Applebee’s name tags. “Hi, I’m Usher.” I say stop that nonsense and leave the introductions to the professionals!

I miss being able to talk up records. I worked hard to perfect that skill. And it’s a shame to just let that very special gift go to waste. So anybody in the West Los Angeles area, if you have a Springsteen cover band, please let me jam with you – and by jam I mean talk over the intro of Hungry Heart. I’ll get your name in, the bowling alley we’re playing in, and even a plug for Fall League sign-ups – all in :19 seconds. Trust me – it will MAKE the song!

Warning: I'm going to be on television

As part of my book promotion for THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s) I'll be on the WGN Mid-Day News on Friday (noon-one) in Chicago and then "Twin-Cities Live" on KSTP Channel 5 in Minneapolis-St.Paul next Tuesday from 3-4.  That one's going to be really fun because it will be live from the Minnesota State Fair.  Hopefully I can wrestle a pig or someone can make a statue of me in butter.

After Labor Day I'll be GOOD DAY L.A. on Channel 11 in Los Angeles.

The point is this:  buy my book already so you don't have to keep seeing me. 

Judging Howard Stern

I don’t know Howard Stern. I only met him once. We were both at a Bar Mitzvah. He wasn’t at my table. Paula Abdul was. (This was before AMERICAN IDOL and by the time the salads were served I was thinking, “Poor girl. She’ll never work again.”)

Howard and I were both disc jockeys who made career stops in Detroit. He was at WWWW (playing Layla every half hour) and I was at WDRQ (playing Seasons in the Sun every ten minutes). 

I thought I was edgy on the air. Double entendres over record intros. “Here’s Olivia Newton-hyphen-John. Boy I’d love to bust her hyphen.” -- that sort of high art. But Howard was far edgier. He’d hassle Scotland Yard, destroy a foreign car, pull outrageous stunts. I give him credit. He was willing to stick his neck out.

Since then of course, he has gone on to become the self-proclaimed King of All Media. Unlike Paula’s success, I was not surprised for a minute.

Back in the ‘90s I used to listen to Howard every morning when he was on the real radio. Once he jumped to satellite I lost touch. But two things reminded me of Howard recently.

I’ve been doing radio interviews for my book and have been on a few Morning Zoo programs. As these teams of three or four chuckleheads try to be funny and provocative all I could think was, “What a bunch of idiots! These morons couldn’t carry Howard Stern’s Altoids tin.”

The other reminder was catching him as a judge on AMERICA’S GOT A LOT OF GALL CALLING THIS TALENT. (That’s the first time I ever saw that show, incidentally. Holy shit! Midgets who belt out notes off key, a group that does light shows with colored flashlight. It’s Cirque du Insane.)

But all you have to do is watch Howard on that panel for five minutes to see why he has become such a mega success. Face it, you have three opportunists at that judges table. There’s Sharon Osbourne, a woman with utterly no talent other than the ability to promote herself. What got her to where she is? She’s married to a vegetable and managed to exploit the exposure into a career as a national celebrity. She’s even on the Columbia Broadcasting System every morning offering her opinions on the news. We’re so far beyond Paddy Chayefsky’s NETWORK that we can no longer even see it in the rearview mirror.

Next to her is Howie Mandel – a has-been comedian who lucked into hosting an inane game show that became a hit for exactly five minutes and from that he’s a television personality again. Seriously, the revival of his career is his ability to say, “Pick a briefcase.”

And then there’s Howard. After years of relative obscurity on satellite radio (for which he was paid the equivalent of the National Debt) he’s decided to once again claim some national exposure and for good measure, he got someone to pony up $10 million for the privilege.

The reason Howard stands out on the panel, the reason he has had such a meteoric rise in radio continually leaving his imitators and competitors in the dust, the reason he’s been able to star in a major Hollywood motion picture even with his nose, and the reason he is probably approaching billionaire status by now is this…

He is smarter than everyone else.

Listen to him on AMERICA’S GOT TALENT (?). A far cry from my Bar Mitzvah table mate. This is the high level of constructive criticism we’re used to: “You can kick it, dawg!” “I don’t know, sweetheart. It just didn’t work for me.” Howard is articulate, insightful, and gives specific feedback to each contestant. And when he gets into tiffs with Mandel it’s like a battle of wits with an unarmed man. Stern destroys him every single time.

Is the feud calculated? Probably. Again, it’s Howard’s savvy. All of his feuds are calculated. The FCC. Leno. Imus. Ellen. Rosie. Dr. Laura. Sherri Shepherd. Andy Dick. When you see that list it’s hard not to take his side. (Would somebody ask if he has time to add Whitney?)

He knows how to generate controversy. He knows how to get attention. And he knows how to win. Oh, and one other tiny thing: Howard Stern is very funny. It’s not just shock value. It’s not just recreating the hilarity of your junior high locker room. He is way funnier than these Morning Zoo buffoons. If he had gone into sitcom writing instead of radio he’d be Larry David today. If he wrote for Broadway he’d be Trey Parker & Matt Stone. If he went into sketch comedy he’d be a very ugly Tina Fey.

Not every bit works (despite Robin’s uncontrollable toady laughter at every single thing he says), and I think he’s on too many hours every day. I’m sure he knows that but when Sirius/XM is paying him Fort Knox it’s a trade-off I’m sure he’s willing to make.

People dismiss Howard as just a shock jock. And I’m sure I’m going to get a bunch of comments saying he’s lame, he’s brutal, he’s not funny, he’s just crass. But look what happened when he left terrestrial radio. CBS had an entire year to replace him… and could choose from anyone in the country. Any morning man, any “zoo keeper”, any stand-up comic, any TV star, any hotshot blogger. And after a year-long exhaustive search they selected David Lee Roth and Adam Carolla. How’d that work out for them?

He may not still be the King of All Media (I wouldn’t be surprised if NBC has less of an audience these days than satellite radio), and you may think he’s an ass, but he’s a SMART ass. And I say that with genuine respect.

Our most dramatic MASH

Here’s a question I’ve been asked numerous times:

MaryAn Batchellor wonders:

How did you come to write the Billfold Syndrome?

The Billfold Sydromee is an episode of MASH my partner David Isaacs and I wrote in 1978. It’s part of the 7th season if you want to find or rent a copy and watch it. And it’s probably airing right now on three cable channels.

Here’s the premise: A young medic arrives at the 4077th with amnesia. Psychiatrist Dr. Sidney Freedman is summoned, who (along with Hawkeye and B.J.’s help) hypnotize the young soldier to bring him back to the exact time and place he lost his memory. They recreate the battle complete with sounds and role playing. It’s maybe the most dramatic scene we’ve even written. I won’t spoil the ending should you not have seen it yet.

There’s also a subplot where Charles learns he’s been passed over for chief of thoracic surgery at Massachusetts General because he’s in Korea. In frustration he vows never to talk to anyone in the camp again, which of course is laying down the gauntlet for Hawk & Beej who then go to outlandish lengths to get him to talk.

A terrific actor – Kevin Geer played the young medic. Alan Alda directed masterfully, wringing every laugh and tear out of the script.

The title “Billfold Syndrome” is a psychiatric expression: Someone looks at his I.D. or billfold and can’t place himself.

This story came right out research. Larry Gelbart, Gene Reynolds, Burt Metcalfe, and then later me and David, interviewed doctors, nurses, corpsmen, soldiers – anyone who served in Korea. Most of the stories done on MASH were inspired from these interviews.

Because we knew it would be heavy subject matter we wanted to do a B-story that was comedic. We kept of file of notions and the Charles story seemed to fit the bill(fold).

David and I got together with a prominent Beverly Hills psychiatrist I knew and he walked us through the hypnosis process step-by-step. We used some of the doctor’s lines verbatim.

Hypnosis is such a tricky area. It can come off very sketchy. We all took great pains to treat it seriously and portray the scene accurately. Again, my thanks to Alan for directing that scene with such sensitivity.

It’s one of my favorite MASH episodes. As a comedy writer I’m often asked, “So can you write drama?” and I always point them to this. No, it’s not CSI:MIAMI but it’s all I got.

THANKS!!

...to everyone who attended my Seattle book party for THE ME GENERATION...BY ME. Even Santa was there. I'm trying to get him to buy 5,000,000 copies and hand them out to the all the kiddies on Xmas morning.  I can't think of a more perfect gift for children than a humorous memoir of the 1960s.

Tonight's the night!

Hello from Seattle. Tonight’s the night of my big book signing at the Mariners’ Team Store at Safeco Field from 5:00-7:00, before the M’s take on Cleveland.  Note:  You don't need a ticket to get into the store.   Happy to sign books, body parts, whatever you got. It’s also a great chance to meet and thank you all for reading this blog. So hopefully a lot of you will swing by because, well…

It could be Torrance all over again.

I’ve touched on this before but during my radio daze I would often have to do live remotes. These were broadcasts from stores designed to bring in customers. In almost one hundred years of radio broadcasting, station personnel have still not realized that watching some schmendrick sit in a store window playing records is not a big draw. Even the lure of free bumper stickers and discount coupons for lube jobs are not enough to get warm bodies into your store. These remotes usually make the stations look bad and force the disc jockeys to violate their restraining orders requiring them to be at least ten yards from any minor.

I’ve done these remotes in hardware stores, tuxedo rental shops, record stores, a Denny’s, and an exclusive country club. That was fun, telling the thirty-five people in Los Angeles who were even eligible to come on by.

When the Dodgers were on XTRA 1150 I co-hosted a pre-game show with Ben Maller (now with Fox Sports Radio). One time we had to do the show from a tire store in Torrance. But since it was a day game from the east and we were on west coast time, the show started at 8:00. The store wasn’t even open until 10:00. We sat there alone in the parking lot, looking like a couple of complete idiots. You can see why I wouldn’t want to repeat that lovely episode.

(Later that same year we did our broadcast from a car dealership in Anaheim, again set up in the parking lot. The dealer also happened to have his gardener there that day. All the listeners heard for a half an hour was a deafeningly loud leaf blower.)

When I had a book come out in 1993 (IT’S GONE… NO, WAIT A MINUTE) I didn’t have any book signings. My publisher (Villard) said no one knows who the hell I am so it makes no sense. My team, ladies and gentlemen!  If you have one of those I'll be happy to sign it too.

Then when I came out with my travel book last year (WHERE THE HELL AM I? TRIPS I HAVE SURVIVED) it turns out there were no more bookstores.  Damn!  Why didn't I write it thirty years earlier? 

I wonder – did they have book signings in other eras? Did Herman Melville appear at the Milwaukee Cream Citys’ Team Store in 1865 and read MOBY DICK?

I have a few friends who ghost-wrote books for celebrities and athletes. If they have a signing I always try to go. One was particularly great. It was for a noted athlete. As is usually the case, the author will read a portion of his book. This athlete stumbled and bumbled and couldn’t pronounce half the words he uh… wrote. I can only imagine the audiobook. Mine is almost eight hours long.  His must be thirty. 

And then there’s the story about basketball legend, Charles Barkley. When someone criticized something in his book he claimed he was misquoted in his autobiography.

I will do my best to get through my passages tonight. And worse comes to worst I’ll just lapse into Mariners play-by-play.

See you all at 5. Well, maybe not all of you. Many of you. Some of you. Hopefully more than Torrance.

Now you can talk like a real sitcom writer!

You gotta know the lingo. Sitcom writing rooms have their own terms and expressions and if you ever plan on being in one (either by choice or force) you might want to know a few of them.  I'll sprinkle in more in the weeks ahead but this should get you started.   The only other thing I would add is swear more than in GIRLS. 

Callbacks -- Doing a joke based on something already mentioned in the scene.

Hey May – Supposedly from Carl Reiner and the old DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. It’s an act break so great that a husband yells to his wife in the kichen: “Hey, May, you gotta get in here!”

Swinging in on a rope -- A side character enters the screen, delivers a joke, then leaves. We used to do that a lot with Carla on CHEERS. Sam and Diane are having a discussion. She swings in, takes a shot at Diane, and keeps moving.

Button – Final joke of a scene.

Blow -- Same as button but sounds more “street”.

Pipe – Exposition. We had a character on ALMOST PERFECT whose basic function was to come into the room and deliver pipe. So we named her Piper.   She eventually quit.

Clam -- Overused joke.

Sheboygan – A joke too over-the-top.

B story -- A subplot. Often ensemble shows resort to these to give cast members not involved in the main story something to do in the show and keep them off the writers' backs.

Beats – events that occur in a scene.

House number -- Supposedly from the Norman Lear days. Pitching an idea or joke that’s more of an example than the actual pitch you intend to go in the script. You use it to preface your pitch. It’s a good disclaimer in case everyone in the room thinks it’s a stupid idea and you’re an idiot.

Savers -- Damage control jokes right after your real joke pitch dies a horrible death. It was Johnny Carson's best friend.

Captain Obvious -- Pointing out a problem that even the craft services guy could identify.

Grammar police -- Writers whose only contribution in rewrites is correcting grammar. You want to dangle their participle over a lake of snapping alligators.

Proofer’s Challenge – Some technicality you come across during a rewrite that’s not worth everyone’s time to settle. What food should be on the table? What was the year of that Superbowl? It’s left to the person proofing that night.

Throwing a bone -- Giving an actor a joke because he doesn’t have much to do in a scene or you don’t think he’s very good but have to service him anyway. Usually it's the actor the network forced you to take.

Jan Smithers went to my high school

Hello from Seattle, where I'm calling Mariners games this weekend.  And a reminder -- on Monday I'm having a book signing at the Mariners' Team Store at Safeco Field from 5:00-7:000 PM (before the game with the Indians).  Hope you'll stop by if you're anywhere in the Pacific Northwest.  


In the meantime, here's another snippet from the book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).  It's available in ebook, audiobook, and paperback versions.  Just go to the website, which is chock-full of photos, videos, and other neat stuff.   But for now, let's go back to 1966...
Our high school made national news!

The March 21st edition of Newsweek magazine did their big cover story on “The Teenagers – a Newsweek survey of what they’re really like” and a good portion of it focused on Taft High. The cover featured a pretty coed sitting on the back of a motorcycle glancing over her shoulder at the camera. That girl was Taft senior, Jan Smithers. Jan, of course, would go to play Bailey on WKRP IN CINCINNATI.

The survey determined that there was in fact this so-called “Generation Gap” (who knew???). And it’s widened because the older generation is resistant to listening to and understanding us. Whatever. Taft was mentioned! And our very own Jan was selected as the cover girl!

For five minutes she was the absolute star of the school, eclipsing even the football star, and the girl who played a burn victim on BEN CASEY.

The cover itself was very telling. Yes, we were rebellious, yes we rode motorcycles but they were cute little motorcycles with drivers who wore jean jackets and California golden girls on the back who wore sweaters and white slacks. Hardly Brando in THE WILD ONE.

My all-time favorite sitcom episode

To be answered sometime in this post.  Greetings from Seattle where I’m broadcasting this weekend’s series against the Minnesota Twins on 710 ESPN, the Mariners Radio Network, MLB.COM, and Sirius/XM satellite. But before I fill out my line up card, here are some Friday Questions.

Liggie starts with a baseball broadcaster query:

How long did it take you to get used to calling games while having the producer barking into your earpiece? I have to wear a headset for my job, and I always have trouble concentrating when I'm talking to a customer face-to-face while an unrelated conversation is going on in the radio system.

It was an adjustment when I first started doing television play-by-play I admit. But most of the time the director will only chime in when it’s necessary and he'll be brief. “Replay.” “Promo.”, etc. That said, I had a director when I was in San Diego who drove me nuts. I’d be telling some story on the air and he’d be commenting in my ear. Or trying to top me if I was saying something funny. I finally had to take him aside and tell him I would kill him and his family and his pets if he ever did it again.

When I was with Seattle in the early ‘90s Ken Griffey Sr. was my partner on some telecasts. Ken is a great guy, but at the time was new to broadcasting. The director has the ability to talk to both announcers or either announcer through our headsets. Sometimes the director will talk to the analyst and tell him what graphic or replay is coming up. This would be the case with Kenny, but from time to time he would answer, forgetting that he was on the air. So I’d be talking about something and Ken would randomly blurt out, “When do you wanna do that?” or “No.” And at first I thought, “What the fuck is he doing?” and then I realized.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for Bob Costas, hosting the Olympics, keeping all those names and events straight, and in his case the director must be talking to him non-stop. It’s truly an art.

Kingsley asks:

What's the most important piece of advice you'd give to the director of a brand-new sitcom?

Help the actors find their characters. Show patience, allow for a lot of experimentation, and create a safe, open environment.

Always hanging in the air during a pilot is fear. There’s a lot riding on it. Today especially, actors know they could be fired as early as the network runthrough. So in addition to trying to embody a new character they’re always working with a guillotine over their heads. You need to understand this. They will do their best work if they trust you. Be in control of the set. Set the tone. Let them see you really are on their side and whatever their process is (and each actor has a different one), you’re willing to work within it.

Then go home and down a pitcher of margaritas.  

estiv wants to know:

The other night I was watching a Dick Van Dyke Show episode with Allan Melvin in a supporting role, and got to thinking about how many times I had seen him over the years. On shows like MASH and Cheers, what was the feeling about using well-known character actors for individual episodes? Seems like it would be a tradeoff between hiring a known quantity, reliable and professional, versus the fact that such a familiar face could take the audience out of the story, and just make them think, "Oh, him again." How has it worked in your experience? Thanks.

I tend to fall in the “Oh, him again” category. At least at the beginning of casting. I’ll ask the casting director if there isn’t someone we haven’t seen as often? But on many of these occasions we’ll read some fresh faces and realize they’re not nearly as good as the veteran character actor. There’s a reason he gets cast in so many shows.

I remember we had a part on MASH one week. A certain character actor was suggested. We said, “Jesus, he’s been in everything.” Let’s keep looking. After multiple casting sessions we just cried uncle, hire the established guy.

He turned in a fantastic performance. A few years later he got a break starring in a small movie that became a surprise hit and his career took off like a rocket.

The movie? BABE. The actor? James Cromwell… although at the time we knew him he was always “Jamie.”

My heart goes out to character actors. They’re always either over-exposed or under-exposed.

Finally, from GC from France:

What is your favorite sitcom episode, if you have to choose just one?(any show)

The “$99,000 Answer” episode of THE HONEYMOONERS. I was a kid when I first saw it and did not see the final punch line coming. When that joke hit I must’ve laughed for ten minutes straight. I have a lot of favorite episodes from a lot of series for various reasons, but if I had to choose just one that’s the winner. (I hope they show THE HONEYMOONERS in France.)

What’s your question? Leave it in the comments section. Thanks!!

iPartment is iRip Off

It has been brought to my attention that there is a sitcom in China called iPARTMENT that is just a shameless rip off of American sitcoms. The premise is essentially FRIENDS and they wantonly steal jokes from U.S. shows. At times they’ve allegedly lifted entire scenes from HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER.

The iPARTMENT producers of course deny any wrongdoing and claim their series is an homage to American sitcoms. And they’re just using stock sitcom character types. But they’ve already had to apologize to one screenwriter for stealing jokes he posted online.

Critics have said the show is 40 minutes – 30 minutes of directly stealing a US sitcom story and 10 minutes of jokes stolen from other sources.

The producers can deny all they want but how hard will it be to compare a translated episode of their show to the U.S. version they stole? I guess the question is, can you sue China? I doubt if individual writers have the clout but the studios sure do. So will they?  Or are they willing to look the other way so as not to ruffle feathers? It may be more important to establish good relationships with Chinese networks and producers for future ventures.

But again, if the allegations are true, it’s reprehensible – not just to our writers but to China’s writers. iPARTMENT is essentially saying Chinese writers aren’t good enough so they have to steal from America. That’s an unwarranted slap in the face.

And the practice is also utterly stupid.

In the heyday of Top 40 radio, disc jockeys in one market would blatantly steal the acts of disc jockeys in another. If a jock in Buffalo was imitating a jock in San Francisco, how many Buffalo listeners would ever know? That’s why you had Emperor Bob and Emperor Gene and Emperor Don, and Robert W. Morgan and Roger W. Morgan, and the Real Don Steele and the Real Pete McNeal and the True Don Blu.

But today we live in a global world with instantaneous communication. I can sit in Los Angeles and watch iPARTMENT online. Someone in China can recognize the plagiary and with one click alert the entire world. So who are they foolin’?

To implore the producers of iPARTMENT to stop stealing is I’m sure pointless. They’re not creative people, they’re thieves. I can only hope that public pressure and legal consequences force them to stop or better yet, to shut down production.

U.S. writers deserve compensation and Chinese viewers deserve original television.

Felix Hernandez Perfect Game!

To answer all of your questions -- no, I wasn't there to call it.  I go up to Seattle tomorrow and begin work on Friday night.  I've now missed two perfect games and one no-hitter this year.  How's that for timing? 

That said, I'm so thrilled for the King and the Mariners organization.  And Dave Sims on TV and Rick Rizzs on the radio both did a spectacular job of calling the final inning.   I'm equally happy for them.

I'll call the next Hernandez perfecto for sure.

A porn star's salute to America

Here’s a question that sparked an entire post. And it's keeping with this week's somewhat adult oriented theme.  It’s from Paul.

Will you ever write about your experiences at the strip club? As a reluctant patron, have you had any interesting conversations with the employees?

Gee, you make it sound like I’m the Norm Peterson of Gentleman’s Clubs. Okay, yes, I did attend pornstar karaoke one time. You can read about it here.

But I haven’t been to a strip club since shortly after 9-11. That was a rather memorable evening though.

It was a friend’s bachelor party. There were six or seven of us – all comedy writers. One of them must’ve spent ten years of COSBY residuals on lap dances. We never saw him.

The rest of us staked out our positions, sitting stage side. Each dancer would perform her two songs and we’d each hand her a dollar bill. Being comedy writers we would be constantly tossing asides to each other. “Hey, guys, did you see the way she took my dollar? She thinks I’m special.” “Wasn’t she the judge on MATLOCK?” etc. These girls weren’t just hot, they were joke set-ups.

I guess the big attraction at these clubs was a noted porn star appearing. This club was proud to announce that someone I had never heard of was about to perform. The excitement and anticipation was palpable.  All eyes turned to the stage as this porn star came out and did her routine. God, what a klutz. She may have been a virtuoso in three-on-one scenes but Bristol Palin was more graceful.

You can imagine the pithy remarks that flew back and forth within our merry group. Trust me, we were more entertaining than she was… and she was naked.

Then the DJ announced that she had a big finale. A tribute to 9-11 and this proud country.  Oh boy. This had the potential of greatness.

She went backstage for a moment and returned wearing a cowboy hat, toting an inflated kiddie pool.

Along with a couple of key props.

She stood in the center of the pool, nodded to the DJ., and “Proud to be an American” by Lee Greenwood began to blast. With one hand she waved an American flag high over her head. And with the other she poured a bottle of milk down her chest. How the milk running down her naked body was supposed to symbolize patriotism I do not know, but the whole spectacle was surreal. We all completely lost it, laughing hysterically. At one point I looked around the room, expecting everybody to be laughing. No. Everyone else was staring up at the stage, visibly moved, tears in their eyes. This set us off even more.

Finally, she turned to us, stopped waving her flag, and snarled, “What’s so fucking funny?! This is the first time I’ve been scolded by a porn star. None of us were able to compose ourselves to answer.

She finished to thunderous applause. We left shortly thereafter. We didn’t want to be the first guys in the history of strip clubs to be thrown out for excessive laughter. So that was my interesting conversation with one of the employees.  Oh, wait.  There were two conversations.  When I offered my dollar bill she told me to shove it up my ass.

Fifty Shades of Grey

Like everyone on the planet I just finished reading FIFTY SHADES OF GREY. In case you’re one of the eight who haven’t read it yet – it’s a love story about a college graduate, Ana and her kinky boyfriend, billionaire Christian Grey. It’s only told from Ana’s side, and we get her account in minute detail. There’s not an expression she doesn’t over-analyze, a line of dialogue she doesn’t examine for hidden meaning. Add to that, she has her inner goddess and subconscious chiming in every other paragraph. I kept yelling at the Christian character: “Gag her!!”

That said, it’s shattering sales records worldwide. It will sell a lot more books than mine, but it’s my own fault. Silly me, I didn’t have a room of pain in my tract house in Woodland Hills.

Still, I figured a way to get on the bandwagon. Why not write the same book but from Christian’s side? So I did. As a gift to you loyal readers and a way of saying thanks for buying my book (you have bought my book, haven’t you?), I’m going to give it to you for free. See what you think?

I spend most of my time in my giant swank office. I’m the equivalent of Bill Gates and Steve Jobs except I’m also gorgeous looking and not dead. I preside over a massive global conglomerate that feeds the poor (thus making me likeable) and brings in billions. I’m always on the phone speaking generically. “Get me those numbers, Ted.” “That sounds risky, I’ll need to look over the proposal.” “Reschedule the acquisitions team for Monday at 3:00.” So you can plainly see I’m legit.

On Friday night I fly down to Portland to see my brother and pick up some items from a hardware store. I fly my own helicopter. I also play concert piano, have read and can quote the classics, collect fine art and first editions, and look awesome in jeans. It’s clear I’m an expert helicopter pilot because I say things to the tower like, “Charlie-Tango descending to 1000 feet.” Don’t even try to make sense of it. You have to be a pilot.

I go back to Seattle because I need to be at my desk and look over reports when I tell people on the phone, “Have Brian call me tomorrow, and I want a meeting with his people.”

But before you know it I fly back to Portland to speak at a college graduation. My speech goes over well because I’m incredibly charismatic. Those kids hang on every generic word.

Home again in Seattle I drive to Bellvue to have dinner with my equally wealthy step-parents and siblings. They have a large mansion. The food is delicious.  I'm a foodie and wine connoisseur too.  

A few more days of taxing business decisions (“I’m not going forward till I see the projections!”) and I need to take the corporate plane to Savannah, Georgia. As you know, I’m also an expert glider pilot. But my trip is cut short. A business emergency.

I fly back to Seattle and now on the phone I use an angry tone. “Unacceptable!” “Call Gary. We have to re-think this.” That’s me in crisis mode – firm but in complete control.

And that’s about it. Oh wait. During this period I also banged a high-maintenance loony college chick.

Hmmmm. Now I that read it over, it might be a little short for a novel. What do you think? I’ll add a scene where he walks on water.

Join me on the Jim Bohannon Show

I'll be on the Jim Bohannon national radio show tonight for an hour discussing my new book, THE ME GENERATION... BY ME (GROWING UP IN THE '60s).   The show is heard on over 300 radio stations.  Here's a list.  I'll be on live from 11-midnight East Coast time, but the station in your area might air it at a different time.  I don't know.  I plan to just show up, hopefully be hilarious, and sell a lot of books.

Speaking of which...

... check out the website for the book.  It's now loaded with more photos, bizarre videos, audiobook sample, reviews, and of course -- where to go to ORDER yours.   It's the best way to support this free blog and (depending on how fast a reader you are -- spending three or fifty highly entertaining hours.   Thanks much!

Olympic Closing Ceremony: NBC fucks up yet again!

What I love about the Opening and Closing Ceremonies of the Olympics is that it’s a television event the whole world sees at once. Unless you’re on the East Coast of the United States watching NBC. In addition to editing out selected portions and allowing the insipid Ryan Seacrest to host, they broke away before the big finale and the Who to show the pilot of a new sitcom where the big joke was a monkey in a lab coat. There’s a reason NBC is the last network. Even in those rare (once every four years) instances when they get viewers they manage to royally piss them off.

Don’t they realize that interrupting the Closing Ceremonies with a sitcom is the same as flashing a half hour pop up ad? And how many people like pop up ads? When was the last time you bought a product you saw on a pop up ad? On the other hand, how many products have you boycotted because you resented the ad? And how many websites have you stopped visiting because you got tired of the relentless pop up ads?

Whatever goodwill NBC had amassed with their Olympic coverage (and most of it was excellent) they completely squandered. They just reinforced the public’s perception that NBC is clueless. And it breaks my heart. Having spent the better part of twenty years writing for CHEERS, FRASIER, and WINGS it was an honor to be part of the NBC family. They strove for quality. They strove for class. They were the HBO of network television.

And now they’re WHITNEY, comedies with monkeys, and the new face of the franchise is Ryan Seacrest. The once-proud Peacock has been totally plucked.

On the west coast the ceremony was not interrupted by the sneak pop up ad for ANIMAL PRACTICE. I’m guessing they took a raft of shit so quickly backtracked. I feel bad for the producers. How’d you like this deal?

Thirty million people are going to sample your pilot!

Cool!

The only thing is – they’re all going to hate you.

Huh???

Personally, I didn’t see it. I set my DVR for the Closing Ceremonies. It recorded 3 1/2 hours and cut off before the finale.

Of the 3 1/2 hours, an hour and half was recap and Olympic highlights. They couldn’t do that separately? And because they had to show all that rehash they chose to cut out performances by The Kinks’ Ray Davies, Muse, Kate Bush, the Royal Ballet, and a new song by George Michael. One of the big emotional moments apparently was when all the volunteers were saluted. We didn’t see that either, along with some performance pieces that I can’t describe because well…I didn’t see them.

What we did get was more Ryan Seacrest shoved down our throats. Bob Costas couldn’t introduce the Pet Shop Boys? At one point Bob said something to the effect of: “Well, we have Ryan Seacrest here. This might be a good time to use him.”

As for the ceremony itself, another giant Super Bowl halftime show. Like I tweeted, they made a big deal of the Spice Girls reunion. It was their first reunion since 2008. Wow! Four whole years! Not exactly Dean & Jerry after twenty years. And how could they pay tribute to the great recording artists of Great Britain and not close the show with Lulu? Although, maybe they did. My DVR cut out. And I imagine if you were watching on the East Coast you probably turned it off when the cat jumped off the skyscraper in ANIMAL PRACTICE.

Please stick around and read the post meant for today. Thanks.

How we break a story

Comedy 101 continues.  Here’s an inside look at the thought process that goes on behind-the-scenes when plotting a half hour sitcom. But first – did you do your homework? You can watch the episode I’m discussing here. Do that first. Then come back and look behind the curtain.

Quick disclaimer: The way we plotted shows back then might be a little different than today. The importance we placed on certain aspects like character motivation are less of a priority on most of today’s sitcoms. Not all but a lot. But the more you’re exposed to dramatic structure the better storytellers you’re going to become. And even if you have no desire to write, you’ll still gain a greater appreciation about what goes into telling a good story.

Here’s how this episode came about. At the start of the season we put together a list of possible story areas. We compiled as many as we could and during the season we just kept adding to the list. Probably 70% of the ideas never get used. But we had some for each character, many for the Kim-Mike relationship (that was our money), some for the office, some for home. A number of these ideas could sustain an entire episode, others could be told in two or three scenes.

So when putting episodes together we would mix and match and try to assemble something that would service all the characters.

We had the notion: Kim has to cook for Mike. We thought this was a valid story. Kim is a career woman and probably couldn’t cook. There’s always fun in watching someone flail around in the kitchen. Logically, that story takes place over two days. Kim decides to cook for Mike on Day One and Day Two she does. Since her cooking would take up much of the episode we needed a show that took place over two days with most of it unfolding the second night.

Then if it’s a Kim and Mike story we needed to find something for the guys in the office. Was there a story at work we could switch back and forth to? This would accomplish two things: service the guys and allow for time lapses in the cooking story.

So we went through the workplace ideas. One idea we had was They blow up a building. And that wasn’t even really an idea. Our line producer Larina Adamson found a stock shot of a building on the New York set being blown up. We could show the building, go to the stock footage, and then just dress the building to look post-explosion. And it would seem like we spent a fortune. How many sitcoms blow up buildings?

The only trouble is: there was no story. We came up with this: We had already established that Gary (Chip Zien) resented that Kim was the showrunner instead of him. What if he’s in charge for the night (because Kim is home cooking), the show is going to blow up the building, and he gives the signal at the wrong time so it blows up before the cameras are rolling? Talk about a fuck up.  Not only will we get the benefit of showing a big explosion, we’ll get a big laugh out of it.

Sound good? Are we ready to plot it out? No. Not yet. It wasn’t enough for us to just have two parallel stories. We wanted them to have some theme tying them together. (This is where a lot of sitcoms today say, “Who gives a shit?” and just starts slapping scenes on the board. But to us it’s important.) What we came up with is that this is an episode that shows that people are talented in one area but not in others and have to accept that.

Now we’re ready.

Establish the premise. Kim wants to cook for Mike. Why? Why would someone who can’t cook decide to do that? Because it’s funny is not an answer. At least to us. She’s needs legitimate motivation. How’s this? They bump into an old girlfriend of Mike’s. She’s married, happy, with kids, and is a great cook. Kim knows that Mike admires that, and is maybe a little envious. Mike assures Kim he’s fine that she’s not that person but it’s unsettling. Where to stage the scene? Instead of constructing another set like a restaurant we decided to go out and shoot on the lost. Paramount has a theater. Perfect. They’re coming out of a movie. We establish that it was a horror movie and Kim loved the gore. Not your typical suzy homemaker. They meet the ex and a seed is planted.

Scene two: that night in bed. Kim still haunted by this. Mike had said the ex was a great cook so Kim decides to make him his favorite meal. What should it be? Something difficult and could give us comedy mileage. Fried chicken. It’s tricky and messy – comic gold.

Scene three: Next day in the office. Establish the building will be blown up the next night. Kim gets the fried chicken recipe. This allows the guys to razz her and reinforce to the audience that she just can’t cook. She leaves putting Gary in charge. Remind the audience that he feels entitled to that job. Makes it funnier when he fucks up.

Scene four: That evening. Kim tries to cook. Again, different from today – we were content to take our time and just enjoy Kim fumbling in the kitchen. Now sitcoms insist on short scenes, blackouts almost. As for the scene itself: we wanted something fresher than just seeing someone screw up a recipe. Lucy did it better. We came up with Kim doing voices and having the food items talk to each other. She gets punchy so it’s believable, but the fun is seeing her being silly. And Mike catching her.

Scene five: Back to the office. Gary must make a tough decision. Blow up the building tonight or take his chances that the weather will hold tomorrow. Tomorrow means Kim is back in charge. Tonight he’s at the helm. He chooses tonight.  His co-workers are nervous.

Scene six: First batch of chicken is done. Kim and Mike sit down to eat. (A couple of notes: the recipe calls for it to be the color of “colonial pine stain”. This was taken from a recipe my wife found. Secondly, this entire script was written over one weekend by me, David Isaacs, and Robin Schiff. After writing these scenes we broke for lunch and had to go to Roscoe’s Chicken & Waffles for fried chicken. There is no greater power than the power of suggestion.) The chicken is raw. Kim wants to try it again. Why? Because we’ve established this isn’t really about making fried chicken, it’s about fighting for the relationship. Also, Kim is a stubborn person used to being successful. This plays into her character. You can do all the funny stuff you want with cooking mishaps but ultimately the problem has to be real and genuinely challenging.

Scene seven: On the set. Establish Gary acting like a big shot. The more full of himself he is, the funnier it is when he fucks up. Just having Gary walk on the set, accidentally give the signal and boom doesn’t give you the most (pun included) bang for your buck. So the building blows up and the cameras weren’t rolling. Sounds like a pretty good act break to me.

We come back and see the rubble. It’s not so much fun to be in charge now. Gary has to do some serious tap dancing. Now the fun is watching him try to salvage the situation.

Back to Kim’s kitchen for scene nine. The second batch of chicken is black. Kim needs to salvage a situation too. She calls Mike’s mother for advice. This device allows us to explain to the audience how you really make fried chicken. That way everyone is up to speed. Hey, I didn’t know how to make fried chicken before that script. So what does Kim do now? She races out to buy some.

Scene ten: The set. We see Gary’s plan-B. It’s incredibly weenie. The vice tightens for Gary.

Scene eleven: Kim returns. Mike catches her. At this point we decided to slow things down and just have a real conversation between the two of them. We sprinkled it with little jokes, but we wanted Mike’s reassurance to really land. Still something was left unresolved. Just telling her she’s terrific at other things isn’t enough. We needed to see it in action. Kim gets the call from Gary.

Scene twelve: Kim and Gary on the set. Kim comes up with a good solution right off the top of her head. She is good at this.  Meanwhile, we're told that Gary is a great writer.  Do we need to see an example of that? No. The story’s over.  I think you buy it.  A few jokes to get you out of the show and we’re done.

Okay – extra credit. Go back and watch the show again. Do you see things differently? Lots of thought and care goes into each minute, doesn’t it? And for us the trick is to slide it all in in such a way that you don’t notice. There’s a flow and a logic with surprises and good laughs.

And we try to do that twenty-two separate times. Clearly, it’s hard, which is why a lot of today’s sitcoms don’t do it. They get okay ratings with very sloppy storytelling so for them it’s good enough. But for you as a young writer, strive for better. Seriously, did you really want to get into this business so you could write 2 BROKE GIRLS?   If so, please transfer out of Comedy 101 and see what shop classes are still open. 

Class dismissed.

Comedy 101

Haven't done this in awhile but several of you have requested it. Today I'll show an episode of our CBS show ALMOST PERFECT and tomorrow I'll walk you through the thought process on how we broke the story and why we made the decisions we made.

A quick refresher on ALMOST PERFECT. It's about a high-powered woman in her 30s (Nancy Travis) who is a writer on a TV cop show. On the day she gets the job of her life (showrunner) she meets the guy of her life (Kevin Kilner) and both are a full-time job.

Final note: the show starts 25 seconds in. Enjoy and we'll see you in class tomorrow.

Tweets of the week

In case you missed them or are one of the 3 billion people on the planet not following me, here are some of my Tweets of the Week:

If ANNA KARENINA with Keira Knightley was about one of those Russian girls who dance with long ribbons, I’d go see it.

Shocker! Republicans name VP candidate that I’ve heard of.

HuffPost Headline: Did Ann Curry get fired because of her shoes?

As a kid, the two signs that summer was ending and school would soon be back -- Robert Hall commercials and pre-season football.

Dwight Howard to the Lakers. The Lithuania team would still give them a run for their money.

Congrats to the US Women soccer team. Love the celebration. Girl on girl on girl.

There’s sunshine on Mars. Maybe they should have held the Olympics there.

At 5 Guys drink refills are free. But I could get a large for only 20 more cents. I said are people that stupid and he said yes.

Might have felt an aftershock. Since I don’t have THX and even if I did, the TV was off. I’m guessing aftershock.

I can’t watch women’s gymnastics in Olympics without feeling like Buck Henry as the babysitter on SNL.

Now that we’re on Mars, can they finish the 405 Freeway repairs?

Tonight NASA will land on Mars thus beginning season 25 of SURVIVOR.

Off to Dodger Stadium to see how many Dodgers I recognize from last week.

Code of conduct at Dodger Stadium. Tommy Lasorda telling fans to watch their language. Ask him about Kingman’s performance.

Michael Phelps has won more Olympic gold medals than anyone. But Matthew Weiner vows to overtake him.

What does a showrunner do?

Hi kids. It’s time for some bonus Friday questions. What’s yours?

Reader John asks:

Ken, what's the hardest type of character for you to write for while making them sympathetic? To me, it seems as through character like Becker, or going way back, Phil Slivers' Ernie Bilko are more difficult to handle, because you've got a character who's jammed full of bad personality traits, but who the audience is still supposed to be rooting to succeed (as opposed to the bad personality trait character in the Frank Burns mode, who's going to get his by the end of every episode).

Actually, the hardest characters to write are the ones who are intrinsically good and have a minimum of flaws. When characters are duplicitous, conniving, lascivious, cowardly, vain, self centered, overly ambitious, lazy, or a Scientologist – now you’ve got comedy gold. Case in point, on MASH it was infinitely easier to write Frank Burns than Father Mulcahy. And if the flawed characters are funny that really takes the curse off of them.

Most actors get that. But some don’t. They’re always lobbying the writers to make them nicer because they constantly want to be seen in a good light. What they can’t seem to comprehend is that “nice”= death in comedy.

How many people would watch THE ANGEL IN APT 23?

From Brian comes a question I get frequently.  It's worth repeating the answer:

What exactly does a show runner do?

He oversees the entire production and essentially provides the voice and creative direction of the show. He hires the writing staff, the crew, the directors. He is in charge of the show’s budget. He approves and breaks the stories, assigns them, rewrites them, and decides when the scripts are ready for distribution. He does all of the casting. Deals with the network and studio. Approves sets, wardrobe, music, the Christmas party, opening titles, webisodes, and in single-camera shows tells the director the style he wants.

During runthroughs he has final say. He can ask for scenes to be re-blocked and override a director’s acting notes. He then has final say on the rewrites. If an actor isn’t cutting it it’s his call to fire him.

During filming of a multi-camera show he determines whether a scene still needs more takes or they can move on. On single-camera shows he is either on the set to make that call or can demand a re-shoot if he’s not happy with the dailies.

He also oversees the editing. The editor and director put together their first cut and then the showrunner is in control. He can change that cut at will, if the show is long he determines what gets cut. He then supervises post production – sound, color correction, music.

If the show has a laugh-track he oversees that process as well.

On the one hand you’re thinking, “Wow! How great! He has tremendous creative control.” On the other, you’re thinking, “Jesus! That sounds exhausting. And he has to turn out a show a week? How the hell does he have time to do all of that?”

Answer: He doesn’t. And that’s the real art of showrunning.