Hanging out with Queen Elizabeth

 

In light of Meghan & Harry's interview that is stirring up a hornet's nest in Buckingham Palace, I thought I would share my personal brush with the Queen of England. 

In 1991 I was a rookie play-by-play announcer for the Baltimore Orioles. I kept a daily journal that year and sold it as a book. "It's Gone!...No, wait a minute"(my classic home run call unfortunately) was published by Villard and released in ’93. It’s available on Amazon or on a remainder table near you. Thirty years ago this is what happened:

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15, 1991, BALTIMORE

A typical day really, except that the queen of England and the president of the United States attended the game. They saw the A’s win 6-3, although Randy Milligan hit his first home run of the year and then his second.

Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II and His Royal Highness Prince Philip are visiting the United States and wanted to view something that represented the “epitome of America”. That meant either the Shopping Channel or baseball. So our little ol’ ballpark on Thirty-third Street got the nod. The weather was glorious, the traffic horrendous, and the crowd merely moderate (32,501) to see this historic occasion (The queen was not as big a draw as free wristbands.)

The entourage arrived at 6:30 via motorcade and were whisked into a private reception hosted by club owner Eli S. Jacobs (whom I have yet to meet, by the way). The VIP party, which also included Mr. Bush, baseball commish Fay Vincent (who told me before the game that the role of the commissioner in affairs such as these is “to be seen and then leave”), Secretary of Defense Dick Cheney, Mrs. Secretary of Defense, the Governor of Maryland, the British Foreign Secretary, and a number of the queen’s personal valets, secretaries, and foot stools. They all dined on crab cakes and hot dogs. (What, no crumpets and nachos??).

Everyone lingered over dinner for fifteen minutes, and then the royal party moved on to the Orioles dugout to greet the players of both teams.

I did not get to meet the queen. Jon Miller and I were on the air describing the proceedings. At 7:20 a receiving line of players was rushed through (viewed by the crowd on DiamondVision), and to the horror of the Secret Service, the president escorted Queen Elizabeth (or “Sausage” as Prince Philip calls her) up the top step into the on-deck area in full view of the masses. Personally, I feel Harold Baines would be in greater danger than the queen, but the Secret Service men held their breath just the same. The crowd roared its approval.

From there the royal party repaired back to Mr. Jacobs’ sky box on the mezzanine level just to the left of the press box. They sat comfortably behind bulletproof glass as a high school chorus mangled “God Save the Queen” and “The Star-Spangled Banner” over a sound system wracked by feedback.

They stayed for two whole innings, and I sort of felt bad because they were two very boring innings. Five walks, little action. Really, Your Highness, baseball is not that dull! I wanted her to stay longer, but by 8:45 the motorcade had shuttled her away. I also was hoping to have her stop by our booth and possibly read the “Esskay Meats Out-of-Town Scoreboard,” but that was not to be. See if I vote for her in the next election!

All in all it was a very exciting night. In three previous years in the minors the most important dignitary I ever saw attend a game was the Phillie Phanatic.

The Meghan & Harry Interview

It’s always hard for TV writers to write about how hard it is being a TV writer.  Long grueling hours, endless notes, enormous pressure, pushback from actors, etc.  The reason it’s hard is because most people would see this and go “boo hoo.”   They see that TV writers are well compensated, are in a glamorous business, and most people would trade places with them in a second.  So it’s hard to generate any real sympathy for the plight of a TV writer who drives a BMW and lives in Bel Air.  

I was reminded of that last night while watching the Oprah interview with Prince Harry and princess/SUITS’ star, Meghan Markle.   They both seemed lovely enough, and their life in a fishbowl, trapped in an oppressive lifestyle with tabloids ripping you on a daily basis sounds like hell.  Clearly, it’s taken a heavy toll, especially on Meghan.   And now they’ve given up the royal life to live as simple folks on a giant estate in Montecito, California, one of the most exclusive conclaves in the country.   When Oprah Winfrey is your neighbor you’re not living in row houses.  

So of the millions who watched last night (and I sheepishly admit to being one of them), how many were saying, “I’ll trade ya and when can I be trapped in that castle?”  

I suspect a large number.  

But I also imagine an even larger portion of the audience did care.  There’s something so intriguing about royalty, and privilege, and palace dish.   They’re the real-life Ewings and Carirngtons.   It’s a living soap opera.  Fairy tale weddings and family in-fighting, tragedy, scandals, old world protocol, ceremony, and mini-series.

I’m not sure why I watched.  I mean, I liked her on SUITS, but after weathering four years of Trump trauma on a daily basis, whether Meaghan actually once made Kate cry is of zero importance to me.  Theirs was not a story I followed closely, being more concerned that that deranged psychopath didn’t destroy our country.  

Perhaps what drew me was knowing this was one of the few remaining shared experiences we as a country would have.   This was an event.  As such, people felt compelled to watch it live.  And I bet there’s a lot of talk today about it.  If the CDC would let us gather around the water cooler this is what the topic of discussion would be.   So I wanted to be a part of that.   The reality is — for me and you — Harry and Meghan’s lives do not effect me one iota.   They can be in California or England, have two kids or six kids, feed chickens or go over to Oprah’s for a BBQ.  I don’t give a shit.

And yet I watched.  And I’m offering opinions.   But hey, it was just nice to take a break from Mitch McConnell, COVID variants, QAnon, anti-vaxers, moron governors in Texas and Mississippi and hear about squabbles over flower girl dresses.   And as always, Oprah was a master interviewer.  I devoted a lot of my focus to the questions she asked, how she framed them, how she followed up, how she made Meg & Har feel comfortable enough to be truly candid, and how impeccably prepared she was.   No one does it better.  

And if after watching (because I bet you did), your heart can go out to the royal couple for the ordeal “the firm” put them through, we TV writers really do put in insane hours often doing soul-crushing work.  And the BMW is in the shop half the time.  Show us some love. 

Looking for something fun to do this weekend?

Especially at home?  Joely Fisher & Tim Daly are AMERICA'S SEXIEST COUPLE in the Zoom reading of my romantic comedy play.  It's getting rave reviews and is waaaaay more fun than watching dreary Oscar contenders.  Enjoy.

Weekend Post

 Villains are far more interesting than heroes. Just ask Heath Ledger (if you could). Without Lex Luthor Superman is just another boring jock on steroids.

There are villains you love to hate. And then there is Linda Fiorentino in THE LAST SEDUCTION. If I may coin a word, she is a VILF!

THE LAST SEDUCTION is a 1995 film noir treat, written by Steve Barancik and directed by John Dahl (who sadly has been relegated to television while Michael Bay continues to make features). It's probably available on some streaming service. Linda is the ultimate femme fatale, absconding her husband’s drug money (Bill Pullman as Ralph Bellamy) and disappearing into this small town where she turns Peter Berg into her boy toy for utter amusement. In true noir fashion she lures him into committing murder and the twists and turns come fast and furious.

And all the while you love her sultry voice, her chutzpah, smarts, and delicious wickedness. It’s DOUBLE INDEMNITY meets GOODBYE COLUMBUS.

Oh, and it’s one of the sexiest movies this side of first half of BODY HEAT before it dissolved into a jumbled mess.

THE LAST SEDUCTION and Linda should have been up for a gaggle of Academy Awards but due to a technicality (the movie played first on HBO) it wasn’t eligible. But it did win all kinds of Indie Spirit Awards, which everyone knows is far more prestigious.

THE LAST SEDUCTION. See it with someone you want to have sex with or kill.

Friday Questions

It’s Friday Question time.  What’s yours?

Michael starts us off.

When you direct an episode on a show you haven't worked on before, does the showrunner first give you a heads-up on any unusual on-set dynamics such as 2 co-stars who don't get along or an actor who is overly sensitive to feedback?

Yes, although if there’s bad behavior on the set it’s generally well known around town.  I’ve never personally encountered that in all the shows I’ve directed.  Of course I told my agent don’t put me up for ROSEANNE or CYBILL or GRACE UNDER FIRE because who needs the headaches?  

But I like to meet with the showrunner beforehand and find out when he likes runthroughs, what he expects of the cast and me, whether I have the freedom to toss in a joke, how hard the cast likes to rehearse, and maybe a heads-up on an actor who will ask a lot of questions.  By the way, I don’t mind if an actor asks a lot of questions.  That’s his process and that’s my job to answer them.  My goal is to get every actor to peak performance when the cameras are rolling.  

sueK2001 queries:

What are your thoughts on Disney Plus (or any streaming service) putting an "offensive content" label on The Muppets or any retro comedy? 

I think it’s utterly ridiculous.

Children are going to be scarred emotionally by something on THE MUPPET SHOW, but Disney + is fine with kids being turned into donkeys in PINOCCHIO, or Bambi’s mother dying, or Dumbo’s mother being locked up, or the witch in SNOW WHITE scaring the shit out of everybody with the poison apple?  

Let the Snowflakes watch the Hallmark Channel.  

From 71dude:

You said you never worked on any family shows, but do writers generally ask the child actors or their parents before they hand them a potentially embarrassing or puberty-related storyline?

Absolutely!   The parents, the network, the studio, standards & practices, and the child.    There are all kinds of guidelines in place for the protection of minors.  

And finally, Mike Bloodworth has a MASH-related FQ.

Was having only Asian actors play Asian characters a conscious decision on the part of the creators/producers? Was it just coincidence? Had they ever considered using a big name, white guest star in Asian makeup?

It was a conscious decision.  We tried to be as accurate as possible.  And it was nice to give these Asian actors roles because there weren’t too many of them at the time.  

We never once considered putting a non-Asian actor in make up.  Even back then in the writers room we made fun of John Wayne as Genghis Khan in THE CONQUEROR. 

What was fun was meeting veteran actors like Keye Luke who had been in tons of movies and shows.  Imdb lists him in 226 different projects.  He had amazing stories. 

EP214: Meet SIMPSONS writer Mike Scully

Go inside The Simpsons writing room with Mike Scully and hear how the show has evolved over the last 175 years. Mike has also been with other shows including Everybody Loves Raymond and Parks & Rec.

More podcasts on WAVE!

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Allen v. Farrow

Purely out of curiosity, I watched the first episode of the new HBO documentary, ALLEN V. FARROW, which is basically the Woody Allen sex abuse allegations.  Apparently I wasn't alone.  It got a huge rating for HBO upon its premier.  

I will not be watching another installment.  I'll be curious to see if the numbers remain high or if most people, like me, say "one and done."  

The documentary makes a very compelling case that Woody Allen acted inappropriately with his young daughter.  But I don't want to watch it.  The whole thing is just so creepy.  And weird.

God knows what quirks and fetishes he has.  Allen has been able to live a charmed life pretty much doing whatever he's wanted.  We know he married his stepdaughter and that Mia Farrow found nude photos of her in Allen's apartment.  But Mia is also supposed to be rather whacko.  

The documentary portrays her as this loving mother tending to the needs of all these adopted and birth children.  Other accounts by some of the kids say it was a nightmare.  

But as I was watching the first episode, filled with home movies and endless shots of Mia's Connecticut home, I thought to myself: Why do I care?  It's sad, he probably did it, maybe now more will come to light, but why I do need to devote hours and hours to see this?   I wanted to shower after the first episode.  For the photo for this post I didn't even want to show their faces. 

These celebrity expose documentaries seem to be the rage.   There was lots of buzz on the Michael Jackson bizarre sordid story.  But does anything change as a result?   Michael Jackson songs are still selling and still on the radio.  Woody Allen movies are still going to air on TCM.  Will this derail Allen's directing career?  The man is 85.  How many more movies is he going to make?   And for all the rumors, bad press, and scandals, Woody Allen has still managed to find backers and make his movies uninterrupted.   So unless he goes to prison, what's the point?  Other than ratings.  And appealing to our more lascivious nature.  

So for me, not only will I not watch any subsequent episodes, I'm mad at myself for even watching the first one.   Yuch! 

A follow-up to yesteday's post

Several readers brought up other improvised projects, notably "the Interview" episode of MASH and the series CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, and wondered my thoughts on them.  When have I ever been shy about offering opinions (even if I had no idea what I was talking about)? 

"The Interview" segment of MASH was from season 4 and many consider to be the best single episode of the series.  I can't disagree.  Breaking the format, we're watching a documentary with a TV journalist asking questions to members of the 4077 about the war and their perspectives.  Each actor was given the questions and recorded their improvised answers into a tape recorder.   Those recordings were transcribed.

But then Larry Gelbart rewrote them.  He added things, cut things, inserted some jokes, re-phrased some thoughts, etc.  At that point an actual script was printed.   The actors then performed the written text.  So improvisation was just an early part of the process.   That said, what remained of the improv was pure gold.

 CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM works off a detailed outline.  Scenes are improvised and refined during rehearsal.   Larry David also tries to surround himself with actors who are adept at improvisation.  

For my money the results have been mixed.  There are some absolutely HYSTERICAL episodes -- fall-on-the-floor funny.  I could watch them on a loop.  But there are a lot of other episodes that are very uneven, arguments and scenes that feel forced or scenes that wander and get repetitive.  

Improv can be a very useful tool.  I've been doing improv myself for many many years. And if you get a master of it, like Fred Willard in BEST IN SHOW you can produce something absolutely magical.  But I think relying on it can be a trap.  Actors are better at acting and writers are better at writing.  Why not take advantage of the best of both? 

The need for WRITERS

In the new movie, LET THEM ALL TALK, playing on HBO Max, Meryl Streep, who plays a novelist in the film, talks about the importance of just the right words and how it took her sometimes a week before she could find the perfect word.  

What’s ironic about that is that LET THEM ALL TALK is mostly improvisation.  the credited screenwriter had a beat sheet and director Steven Soderbergh let the actors provide the dialogue.

And the result: a boring movie with uninteresting dialogue and scenes that lasted for five minutes that should have lasted for two.  

Where is the respect for those “perfect words?

The movie stars Meryl Streep, Dianne Wiest, and Candice Bergen.  Candice steals the movie, primarily because she was the only character that had a real drive.  Wiest was there to play Monopoly with Bergen.  

Most of the film takes place aboard  the QE2 as it crosses the Atlantic from New York to London.  Soderbergh filmed on the ship during the cruise (prior to the pandemic of course).   And he shot the film on the fly.  

I’ve read a number of interviews where the cast praised the process and how much fun it was.  Fun for them but not the audience.  

How would actors like it if we writers just took starring roles ourselves?  No training, no talent, but who cares?   If we wear the right costume and are lit properly that’s all that matters.  Anybody can act, as I’m sure many actors believe anyone can write.  

The difference is writers KNOW they can’t act at the level required to star in a motion picture.  Many actors think they could write better than writers. 

I went to see the reaction on Rotten Tomatoes and found yet another disconnect between critics and viewers.  On the critics’ scale there was 90% approval.  “Oh, it’s so brilliant.”   Among the public the Rotten Tomatoes scare was 50%.   Talk about a big discrepancy.

I think it was Hitchcock who said, “Movie are life if you took out the boring parts.”   There were lots of boring parts.  The movie takes almost two hours to tell several very minor stories.  

The title is  LET THEM ALL TALK   And that’s all they do.  The title should be LET WRITERS TELL THEM WHAT TO SAY.  
 They'd have a way better movie. 

Weekend Post

After months of rumors, it was finally announced that FRASIER will indeed return.  Its new home will be Paramount +.  A lot of you have asked whether I'll be involved.  The honest answer is I have no idea.  The writers/showrunners will be Chris Harris and Joe Cristalli.  They both have good credits.  But I've never met either of them.  So I have no idea what their plans are, what the premise is, how many of the original cast members will be back (if any), how many episodes they'll be making, or whether they plan to reach out to former FRASIER writers or just staff it with new people.  

I do know that Kelsey & Alec Baldwin are committed to do a series for ABC next fall that FRASIER veteran, Chris Lloyd will oversee.  So the FRASIER reboot may not happen for awhile.   

All that said, whatever Harris & Cristalli do, I'm thrilled that FRASIER is returning and wish them along with everybody associated with it the very best of luck.  We need a smart sophisticated comedy.  There's a large audience for that that is currently not being served. My hope is it revitalizes the form and more follow.  Keep the flame burning.  

And you know Frasier Crane couldn't just fly off and live happily ever after.  Not in this current world.  I'm sure there will be no shortage of things to frustrate him.  And right there is a great start. 

Friday Questions

Wrapping up February.  Are you staying safe?  Here are this week’s Friday Questions.

-30- is up first.

"You're not writing for you; you're writing for them."

That raises the question--Can you write comedy that you don't think is funny? Is it possible because you're trying to please the audience, your showrunner, get or keep your job? Can writers serve an audience by writing to a formula and turn out jokes to fit a template? Is "hold your nose and type" really possible, no matter how the bills are piling up?

When you start out you’ll take any job.  I would have written on any sitcom that would hire me.  And I’d do my best to give them the type of material they wanted.  Yes, I would not feel comfortable, but I’d still be way more comfortable than holding out and waiting tables and writing spec scripts for shows I admired.

At this point in my career, no.  I would have no interest writing a show I didn’t think was funny, no matter how popular it was.  

But I think it’s less about the quality of the humor and more about the sensibility and characters of the show.   I could not write not a show about today’s high school students.  I don’t really know them, I don’t know their voice, I don’t know what they’re thinking.  

What’s somewhat ironic is when my partner, David Isaacs and I were young we got approached to write a movie about comics during the Borscht Belt Era and turned it down because the characters were too old and we had no handle on them.    I wonder if that assignment is still out there. 

Anthony Strand asks:

Cheers season 9 has several cold openers that take place outside of Cheers on the street. Did the cast actually go to Boston to shoot those scenes? Were they all shot at once?

Yes.  They spent about a week there and filmed a bunch of scenes for multiple episodes.  I don’t think I was on that trip.  And if I were I skipped the shooting, probably to get lobster.  

Here are two from Anonymous.  Please leave your name.

Mr Levine, how much of your writing that was filmed/broadcast no longer survives?

Quite a bit.  Let me know if you ever see JOE AND SONS (pictured: above), THE TONY RANDALL SHOW, AFTERMASH, THE TORTELLI’S, BRAM & ALICE, THE MARSHALL CHRONICLES, IT’S ALL RELATIVE, and the pilots of SNOBS and CHARACTERS.   Same is true with shows I directed.  KRISTIN, LATELINE, ASK HARRIET, BROTHER'S KEEPER, ENCORE ENCORE, STARK RAVING MAD, FIRED UP, CONRAD BLOOM. 

None of the three series we created (MARY, BIG WAVE DAVE’S, and ALMOST PERFECT) are currently in syndication although ALMOST PERFECT was for about ten years and you can still see episodes of all three series on YouTube.  

How many of your appearances on radio or TV, including your work as sportscaster or DJ, survives ?

Very little.  I have a few airchecks of my DJ work, and a few of my baseball play-by-play games.  But considering I was doing it every day for years, only a very small percentage remains.  

From time to time I play portions of my radio work on my podcast.   

On the one hand, I wish I had more.  On the other — when would I listen to it  all?  

But I do have the Dodger game I broadcast with Vin Scully.  That baby is a keeper.  

And a Mariner game I did with Dave Niehaus is an exhibit in the Baseball Hall of Fame (because of him, not me).  And fortunately, I happened to be good that night.  

And finally, from Phil:

David Isaacs was listed as the sole writer for Frasier’s season 6 finale, “Shutout in Seattle”. How come you weren’t involved with those episodes?

He did WHAT?  

No, actually, I was off directing in New York during that period.   Those are two really good episodes.  Turns out he’s a pretty great writer without me.  

What’s your Friday Question? 

A couple of things

 Lots of you have asked me about the FRASIER reboot.  I will discuss that in the Weekend Post.

My Zoom play reading of AMERICA'S SEXIEST COUPLE with Tim Daly & Joely Fisher is getting rave reviews and lots of traffic.  If you haven't seen it, I invite you to check it out.  You can find it here.

In days to come I deal with ALLEN V FARROW, Disney + adding disclaimers on THE MUPPETS, and much more.  

EP213: Elton John Sings Jingles

Jonathan Wolfert, president/founder of Jam Creative Productions is this week’s guest discussing why today’s music is different from yesterday’s (you decide which is better). Also, the unique business of radio station jingles and how they have ties to both Clayton Kershaw and Elton John. Hear Elton John sing radio jingles.

More podcasts on Wave!

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

No pictures tell a story

I had occasion to look back at photos from 2010 to see who was at a particular party I attended.  While there I swiped through my other photos of that year — most I haven’t looked at in a decade.  Memories came back (mostly good), but the thing that struck me was how much I had done during that one random year.  And nothing spectacular.  I won my Nobel Peace Prize a different year.  But it was a year filled with travel, family gatherings, milestones, sightseeing, meeting with friends, ballgames, concerts, restaurants, theatres, rehearsals, writing rooms, TV tapings, improv shows, holiday events, weekly visits to the gym, pretty much everything but a selfie.  

And then I thought about last year.  I did none of that.   Went nowhere, saw no one.  Nobody did.  For the world this has been a lost year.  My photos are very few from 2020, most of them screenshots.  This will go down as the period in our lives of the least nostalgia.  No one will want to relive these “good old days.”

You live long enough you’re going to face some crises.  Wars, the Depression, natural disasters, pandemics.   And as tough as this has been, it’s still only a year and hopefully over by the end of this year.  Wars and Depressions have lasted longer.  

But my point is, to return to all those things we’ve missed, we’ve got to all, collectively, do the things that will get us there.  Get the vaccines when you’re eligible.  It won't result in chips inserted into your brain. Wear masks.  It's not denying your First Amendment rights.  You can still say stupid things with a mask on. Social Distance.  Wash your hands.  Stay out of Mosh Pits.  We know a lot more about the virus than we did a year ago.  We also have an administration that sincerely cares about you and your welfare.  Listen to the experts.  Follow their advice.  They won’t tell you to drink bleach.  Scientists know things.  Their warning on climate change -- ask someone from Texas if he now thinks that's just a hoax. 

These are all a small price to pay to remain healthy and be able to take pictures you’ll actually want to see again in the future. 

Rush Limbaugh is (or now was) really Jim Morrison

This is a repost from June 1, 2017.  In light of Rush Limbaugh's passing (at least he lived long enough to see Biden inaugurated), I've gotten a number of hits on this post.  And I thought you'd find it amusing.  There was a claim in 2017 that Jim Morrison didn't die.  He reinvented himself and Rush Limbaugh was in fact the Lizard King.  That prompted this essay:

Yes, this absurd conspiracy is indeed going around the internet.  Instead of trying to prove that our US president is guilty of obstruction of justice and helped Russia subvert the national election, people are instead insisting that Doors' front man, Jim Morrison, faked his own death in 1971 and resurfaced as right wing talk show host, Rush Limbaugh.  

I'm not kidding. 

No.  Seriously.

You can look it up. 

Okay, forget that Limbaugh was born in 1951 and Morrison was born in 1943, for this to happen, Morrison would have begun his new life as a top 40 disc jockey in a Pittsburgh suburb.   Later, as all rock stars aspire to do, he worked in the promotions department of the Kansas City Royals.   Later, of course, using a completely different voice he became the radical talk show host he is today.   

What psychedelic drug turns you into a Reagan conservative?

What makes this conspiracy so much fun is that there are nimrods out there who actually believe it.   There are some bizarre YouTube videos claiming to PROVE this theory.  And of course they're all Mad Hatter Productions.  But I'm sorry, unless they can show a bill of sale to Rush Limbaugh for size 50 leather pants I ain't buyin' it. 

Now if you want to claim that Donald Trump is really Captain Beefheart, then hey, I'm listenin'.  

Confessions of a night person

 

The U.S. Army once had a recruiting slogan that proclaimed, “We do more by 9:00 in the morning than most people do all day!” Excuse me, but… that’s an incentive? By 9:00 in the morning I’m hopefully still sleeping.

I must admit I’m a night person. Always have been. Practically every job I’ve ever had since high school was a night job. Of course, now that I think about it, I bet I would have sold more Amway products door to door if I didn’t start out every night at midnight.

I know a lot of writers who are morning people. They get up at dawn, go right to work, and get as much done as the Army without cleaning toilets. Notice in that Army slogan they never specify exactly what they do? The truth is, a lot of potatoes get peeled, floors get buffed, and trenches get dug before 9.

But I prefer working late at night. It’s quiet for one thing, and when I write during the day I’m always wondering – what’s going on out there that I’m missing? I never feel that way when the option is watching "A Little Late with Lilly Singh."

Morning writers contend that they can enjoy the day more knowing they’ve already done their allotted work. That makes great sense to me. Until the alarm clock sounds. Then I’m thinking, “What the fuck?! I don’t get up this early to go to the goddamn Rose Parade. I’m going to drag myself out of bed to write five pages for this play when there's no theatre until maybe the fall?”

Back when I was hosting Dodger Talk on XTRA 1150, I filled in on the morning show for about a month. The program director then offered me the position full-time. I graciously declined. He asked why? I’d be done at 9:00 and then have the whole rest of the day to write and direct. I said, “Yes, but see, here’s the thing: by 9:00 I’M FUCKING DEAD!!!” I don’t know how morning men do it.  I’m just now catching up on the sleep I lost.

There’s also a practical reason why I like to write during the wee hours. Lots of writers feel they have to finish a scene before they can put it down for the day. So they’ll sit for as long as it takes to wrestle that bad boy to the ground.

I’m the opposite. If I’m stuck on a tough story point or a long character speech I just stop – in the middle of a sentence even. I find that it’s much easier to solve story problems when I’m relaxed. So I’ll go to sleep and let my subconscious work on it awhile. Invariably, in the morning, after just mulling it over in bed or taking a shower, the solution will present itself. Then I’ll return to the script to finish the scene.

So maybe I don’t get that much done before 9:00 but from 9:15-9:25 I kick ass!

How about you? Are you a morning or night person, and why?

Weekend Post

My play, AMERICA'S SEXIEST COUPLE is now online!  It's a romantic comedy starring Joely Fisher and Tim Daly.  Also featured is Erik Odom.   

So what's it about? 

Two actors, who were "America's Sexiest Couple" on a popular '90s sitcom reunite for the first time in 25 years.  They face a lifetime of unresolved issues, longings, resentments, and regrets.  Like I said -- a comedy.  

My thanks to the New Works Theatre and Kevin Pollack for hosting this Zoom production.  It's a benefit for the Actors Fund so if you like the play we hope you'll donate to this very worthy cause.  

Thanks much.  Now sit back and enjoy AMERICA'S SEXIEST COUPLE. 

Friday Questions

What?  No holiday this weekend?  Guess you’ll have to settle for Friday Questions.

Matt gets us started.

I noticed David Ogden Stiers did three episodes in "The Mary Tyler Moore Show" final season (as station manager) around the same time he was brought onto MASH. Was he doing both shows at the same time? Or was it a matter of MTM ending in the spring and then joining MASH in the summer/fall? If it's the latter, was he on the radar for MASH because of his appearance in MTM?

David did the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW the year before he began on MASH.  In fact, it was his appearance on MTM that got him the job on MASH.  Producer Burt Metcalfe saw him on that show and thought he’d be perfect for the new character of Charles we were preparing.  

David Isaacs and I were on staff of THE TONY RANDALL SHOW at MTM at the time David was on MARY TYLER MOORE, and we used him in an episode of TR we wrote.  In ours he was a talk show host — Robert W. Cleaver.  

Jason V asks:

How does it affect an actor to be the punchline character in a show? I'm thinking Cliff in Cheers, and of course, Screech in Saved By the Bell.
 
They cry all the way to the bank.

From Jeff:

Ken, I believe you mentioned you were in the audience for All in the Family one time. Being that it's my favorite sitcom ever, would love if you would write about that sometime.

I was in the audience for the episode where Archie and Michael were stuck together in the cellar.   We were out of there in less than an hour.  Both actors knew their lines and as I recall, they went straight through as if it were a half-hour one act play.

One the one hand, I didn’t see a typical episode with all the characters in the living room, but on the other I saw a special episode.  

And I was very impressed.  

I only attended two Norman Lear tapings — that one and THE JEFFERSONS we “wrote.”  In both cases, the actors knew all their lines and the level of professionalism was unmatched.  

And finally, from Brian:

Have you continued to watch Brockmire and what do you think of it?

I watched every episode of BROCKMIRE.  Absolutely loved it at the beginning, liked it in the middle, and hated the last season.

I give them credit for taking a big swing at the plate, but going into the future and making him the commissioner stretched all credibility and reality.  

The first season was magic.  By the end they went off the rails.  That said, I loved Hank Azaria in the role.

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP212: Your Questions, My Answers

Ken answers listeners’ questions ranging from television, actors, to child actors, comedy, continuity, and cop shows.

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Pretend it's a City -- My review

 

Fran Liebowitz is an acquired taste.   When she arrived on the scene in the late ‘70s /early 80’s with her acerbic magazine articles and wildly successful book of comic essays, METROPOLITAN LIFE, she was somewhat of a sensation.   Here was a 30 year-old very funny curmudgeon at a time when New York, Woody Allen, and Jews were enjoying the zeitgeist.   She was a fresh voice.  And I was a fan. 

In the mid ‘80s when my partner, David Isaacs and I were creating a show for Mary Tyler Moore we thought, “wouldn’t it be great to have a Fran Liebowitz-type character for dear sweet Mary to play off of?”   Hence the character we created for Katy Sagal.  She was easily the most fun character to write for in that show.   And why not?  Cranks are funny.  They can say things others thought but were afraid to say.  BECKER was another.  For the ultimate example — Ignatius J. Reilly in the hilarious novel, CONFEDERACY OF DUNCES. 

Fran stopped writing in the ‘80s.  That’s a long time for writers block.  And yet she has somehow managed to remain a public figure and earn a living through speaking engagements.  And freeloading.  She truly has become “America’s Guest.”  Her calendar is filled with dinner party invitations and Hampton weekend invitations from Manhattan and Hollywood movers and shakers.   She’s essentially a court jester, someone to amuse the others at these gatherings.  I sure don’t blame her for accepting.  How would you like to live the “lifestyles of the rich and famous” just by being witty?  I would be pithy at Martin Scorsese’s 4th of the July BBQ, wouldn’t you? 

Speaking of Scorsese, he’s the producer/director of a seven-part documentary series on Netflix about Fran Liebowitz called PRETEND IT’S A CITY.  Basically it’s seven half-hours of Fran Liebowitz spouting her disgruntled philosophy.   Even fans of Ms. Liebowitz (like me) would argue that three half-hours would have been more than plenty.  Edit, Marty, edit!

We see clips of Fran on talk shows down through the years, along with panel discussions, speaking engagements, and an intimate conversation in the Players Club. 

The series has gotten mixed reviews.  Even the New York Times dismissed her act as tired and tedious.  I found a lot of it amusing but could not totally disagree. 

I see Fran Liebowitz as a stand-up comedian.  She has a definite persona, a definite shtick.  Comics will often drop the persona when they’re not on stage.  Jack Benny wasn’t cheap, Larry David is not an asshole, Joan Rivers wasn’t really "the queen of mean," Steve Martin is not a “wild and crazy guy,” and I can only hope Andrew Dice Clay was just playing a character.  But we are led to believe that Fran Liebowitz actually IS this put upon kvetch in real life.  And if so, she feels like a walking anachronism.  A writer friend put it perfectly — she was once ahead of the curve and is now way behind the curve. 

But if you like the persona, the same way you might like Lewis Black’s angry persona, or Dave Chapelle’s edgy persona — you will get some laughs out of this documentary.  And she talks fast so there’s a lot to choose from.  I enjoyed a good deal of it.  But even if Fran Liebowitz were my all-time favorite comedian/humorist, I sure as hell would not want to sit through a 3 1/2 hour concert.  That’s what this was.   So if you like Fran Liebowitz, binge-watch this series… but maybe one episode a month. 

Residuals

Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post.  It was asked originally by Daniel with a whole bunch of you following-up saying you wanted to know too.  So here you go.  

Daniel’s FQ:

Since you mentioned residuals in your post today, could you explain how they work?

Do you get a monthly check? Quarterly check? Annual check?

There’s no simple answer except maybe “Yes.”   Writers receive residuals based on different formulas depending on whether their shows were re-aired on first run networks, local syndication, cable networks, DVD sales, and streaming.   When in syndication, the amount may vary based on the financial arrangements of the deal.   If FRIENDS sells in syndication for a huge number, writers will receive more than if they wrote for RULES OF ENGAGEMENT which sold for much less.  

Residuals are on a sliding scale.  Especially in first run network reruns you make less each time it airs.  

The good news is that since 1976 or 1977, residuals are in perpetuity.  Prior to that you got ten airings and were done.   Same with actors.  Ed Asner no longer gets residuals on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.  And residuals didn’t even come into play until 1960.  Vivian Vance & William Frawley made no residuals on I LOVE LUCY.  

Interesting side note:  Audrey Meadows, in negotiating her deal with THE HONEYMOONERS in the '50s proposed taking less money but getting a residual.  She wound up making millions, probably more than Jackie Gleason.   I love that story.

I have no idea what the formula is for DVD sales or streaming but it sure ain’t much.  Or additional platforms.  Example:  One of the episodes of EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND I directed was part of American Airlines in-flight programming packaging for six months.  It was shown on every East to West Coast flight for half a year.  So thousands of airings.  I received a check from American Airlines for $1.19.  That doesn’t buy a packet of their crappy salted peanuts.  

How do we receive residuals?  Studios are expected to send the checks to the WGA who then distribute them to us.  The WGA is tasked with policing this, but who are we kidding?   For all the residuals I’ve received I’m sure there’s a lot of money I’ve been cheated out of.  If you know specifically what you’re entitled to but haven’t received yet you can ask the WGA to investigate.  And that has proven to be successful.  

For years my partner and I never got residuals from the TV airings of VOLUNTEERS.  I called them, pointed out how it had run twice on ABC, hundreds of times on HBO, and been seen in syndication on independent over-the-air stations and cable networks.   A month later I got a five-figure check.  Had I not raised the issue I never would have received that money.  

Today writers can go to a website and monitor their own residuals so it makes it easier to keep track of what you’re entitled to.  

You must have writing credit on an episode to receive residuals.  Showrunners and producers don’t receive any royalties.  And if a showrunner or other staff members rewrite your script they have to send the final draft to arbitration.  The arbiters will then decide the credit.  

I should also point out that agents and managers are not entitled to commission residuals.  

Usually we’ll receive a check for multiple episodes (if we’ve written multiple episodes).  So I may get a check that includes recent residuals for seven CHEERS episodes or nine MASH episodes.  They come sporadically.  

I’ve received checks for as low as one cent.  

People ask if I can live off the residuals.  No.  Certainly not now.  Each MASH episode has aired probably a thousand times so I’m getting just a few bucks an airing now.  But still, that’s money I’m making for something I did 40 years ago.  How amazing is that???  

But residuals have been a big part of a writer’s income for the last sixty years.  Especially in an industry where there’s very little security — you go from assignment to assignment and show to show — residuals can get you through some pretty hard times.  

Now however, with everything changing and streaming clearly becoming the wave of the future I worry that writers won’t enjoy the same protection we did.  There are formulas in place, but I hope in upcoming negotiations we can secure a more equitable share.  And then actually see the money.  

That’s a very brief overview.  Someone could probably write an entire book on the residual structure, but book royalties are terrible.

THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT - follow up

When I posted my review of THE QUEEN'S GAMBIT back in November I said I would circle back to the problems I had with it once more people had a chance to see it.  So have you???

Mostly I loved the series.  But I did have a couple of issues.  So with that in mind...

SPOILER ALERT!!!!

One minor and one major quibble.  Minor:  I was thrown that the series was set in Kentucky.  I've spent a good deal of time in Kentucky -- around that period.  And it's the South.  You hear accents there.  If it were set in Indiana, or Illinois, or Upstate New York I wouldn't be bothered at all, but I felt they really missed the flavor and distinctiveness of Kentucky.  

Now my major issue:  And this stems from my writer's background -- all of Beth's problems were solved easily and usually by other people or convenient outside forces.  If she needed money, people would swoop in to provide it.  If she needed strategy support, all of her fellow chess whizzes would converge to provide it (even if they been on bad terms with her).  Angels in her life always showed up at just the right time.  Her ex-classmate, the gay guy she had a crush on -- they could have called the series "You've Got a Friend."  

When the Russian chess masters were plotting against her, they did it in her hotel, down the hall from her room, with the door to their room open.  And Beth happened to pass by at just the right moment to eavesdrop.  

Personal taste, I prefer when characters actively solve their own problems.  Or at least taking those steps.  That's one of the reasons why I love LUPIN on Netflix.  It's great fun watching him ingeniously wriggle out of seemingly impossible situations.   I just think it makes for better storytelling.  

I never read the QUEEN'S GAMBIT book.  Maybe all of those moves are in there and the series is just being faithful to the material.  And like I said, for the most part I loved the series, but that aspect bugged me. 

Weekend Post

It's Valentine's Day weekend.  My birthday is Valentine's Day and usually it's a problem.  I can never go out to a restaurant to celebrate because everyone goes out to restaurants. Prices are usually jacked way up, service is rushed, and there's something very artificial about the whole thing.  But this year, with the pandemic, no one is going out to restaurants on Valentine's Day.  Welcome to my world, kids.   And within a couple of weeks, everyone will have celebrated a birthday during the pandemic.   Not sure what candlelight Zoom dates will be, but Happy Valentine's Day however you celebrate it.  

And in honor of this (potentially) romantic holiday I'd like to offer an explanation for what love really is. It comes from that font of romance -- an episode of TAXI (written by Ken Estin).

Louie is trying to win back his girlfriend, Zena. He asks if she loves him. She says she doesn’t know what love is. He tells her she’s in luck because he does. And he’s the only person alive who can say that. He’s read what everyone else says love is and they’re always wrong. She finally asks him what it is, and Louie says:

“Love is the end of happiness!

The end. Because one day all a guy’s got to do to be happy is to watch the Mets. The next day you gotta have Zena in the room watching the Mets with you. You don’t know why. They’re the same Mets, it’s the same room…but you gotta have Zena there.”

****
That to me expresses more heartfelt love than any bouquet or bling or blowout dinner.  Which is good this year because you can't have any of those things unless they're delivered.  

Friday Questions

Happy Lincoln’s Birthday (although I’m sure he’d be horrified to see what’s happening now).  Here are some Friday Questions.

Mark Solomon asks:

Ken, I just watched on ME -TV an episode of “Wings” which you directed.
Given your extensive history as a writer primarily (including past episodes
of “Wings”), did you have the latitude during table reads and rehearsals to
suggest or even unilaterally execute script or dialogue revisions that other
episodic Directors-for-hire may not have been granted?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no.  I would always ask the show runner before I started whether it was okay to throw in a joke or maybe change a joke. Some were very receptive; others wanted to see the script exactly as written.  And by the way, that’s fine.  

But I would always check first.  And if the powers-that-be did give me latitude I would always give them a heads-up on any changes right before run-through so they weren’t caught off guard. 

Also, I was never defensive.  I'm there to serve the show runner.  So if he didn't like any of my "improvements," out they came with no push-back from me. 

However, on ALMOST PERFECT, where I also was a show runner, I’d change things left and right.  I’d even move things around in a scene on occasion.  But my co-show-runners were always fine with it since it saved us a lot of rewrite work later that night.  Some script and joke problems were already solved.  

But I would NEVER do that as a freelance director.  

blogward wonders:

I've just (from Scotland) been catching up with the Bob Newhart Show - which was never networked in the UK. Don't get me wrong, I LOVED Frasier, best sitcom of its era, but to my eyes, the production similarities with early 'Newhart' are uncannny - even the credits font is the same as Cheers (Cooper Black!).

As for a stuffy, middle-aged, balding psychologist conducting one-handed consultations on the phone - he's kind of Niles Crane crossed with Dick Van Dyke!

How much do you think that Frasier - and maybe its getting greenlit - initially owed to Bob Newhart? I'm not making accusations of plagiarism, it just never occurred to me that the Frasier style is part of what seems to be a (glorious) US sitcom tradition.

I can’t speak for the creators other than to say to my knowledge THE BOB NEWHART SHOW had no influence on the creation of FRASIER.  First off, Frasier was already established as a psychiatrist on CHEERS.  On FRASIER he doesn’t even have a private practice.  And the other characters and show dynamics are completely different.  Bob Hartley is married, Frasier is not.  Frasier lives with his father, Bob does not.  Bob does not have a brother.  There’s no nutty “Howard” neighbor on FRASIER.  

I love THE BOB NEWHART SHOW.  But I’m pretty certain it was not the inspiration for what became the premise of FRASIER.  

From Vincent Saia:

Ever get a freebee from a sponsor?

No.  Never did, which is too bad because Chevrolet sponsored MASH.

And finally, from Dan in Coquitlam:

Of the many guest star appearances on your TV shows, who made such an impression that you (or the show) wanted to bring back but for whatever reason never re-appeared?

Oh, that’s an easy one.  John Cleese on CHEERS.  He was absolutely hilarious.  We wanted to bring him back and even had a script assigned, but there proved to be a conflict in his schedule and he wasn’t able to do it.  We had to scramble and change the script.  

See that episode if you haven’t already.  It’s one of my absolute favorites.  Written by Peter Casey & David Lee.

What’s your Friday Question?  Happy Lincoln’s birthday and (Sunday) Valentine’s Day.

EP211: The Development of Arrested Development

Part two of the interview with Emmy-winning writer Jim Vallely. Most of the episode centers on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT — the making of one TV’s funniest and most revered sitcoms.

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The Comedy Litmus Test

Recently, I’ve been asked to assess short plays for several theatre festivals.  And of course, over the years, I’ve read hundreds (maybe thousands) of TV spec scripts.  

This just applies to comedies — dramas are a different animal — but most comedies aren’t funny.  They just aren’t.  Now you could say it’s subjective, and that’s very true, but in most cases (especially with short plays), I don’t even see where the laughs are supposed to be.

So I propose this exercise when you write an intended comedy.  This is what I do all the time.  

Imagine an audience watching your play.  They have to all be strangers.  No fair having your mother or boyfriend who’s dying to get laid in the front row.  Or “Uncle Myron” who laughs at everything.  

Total strangers.

They can be your target audience.  You don’t have to bus in state convicts or QAnon idiots.  No one has has to have an oxygen tank. But you can’t write a play about blacksmiths and fill the audience with a hundred blacksmiths.   Play fair.

Total strangers.

You’re allowed to assume it’s a decent crowd willing to laugh out loud.  If you have a bad crowd then nothing is funny.  NOISES OFF would die a horrible death.   So it’s an audience that will give you a fair shake if you present them with something genuinely funny.  

You’re also allowed to assume you have a good cast and director.  I said “good”, not “great.”  Some actors like David Hyde Pierce and Betty White can get laughs out of middling material.  Again, play fair.  Chances are you won’t have David Hyde Pierce.  Don't count on actors to save you. 

Now imagine your play (or spec script) playing to this audience.  And be brutally honest with yourself.  Where do you see them actually laughing?  And what kind of laugh is it?  Is it a smile more than a laugh?  Is it a hip line that only a few will appreciate?  Ideally, how many laughs are there?  Do you go three or four pages between any laughs?   Are the first five pages all set-up and no laughs until the payoffs?  Are the payoffs big enough?  

Are there opportunities for laughs that are missed?  Do you just skirt over comic possibilities?  Is there more to be mined from a certain comic moment?  

How many laughs are sufficient for you?  Are the laughs big enough?  

At this point you might be saying, “Jesus!  That’s a lot of pressure you’re putting on me,” and I would say, “YEP.”   But that’s comedy writing.  People say, “Just please yourself.  Just write what’s funny to you.”  I say: “Bullshit!”  You’re not writing for you; you’re writing for them.  

In reality, unless you have a super hot crowd (and you get those from time to time), not every laugh you imagined will be realized.  But if most don’t, or if your projected big ones don’t, then it’s time to blame yourself, not the audience.  But the good news is — if you’re being truly honest with yourself — you can accomplish that before the world sees your play.  Consider each draft a tryout week in New Haven without having to suffer through bad reviews.  

Try it.  It’s a great Litmus test.  Your comedies will improve considerably.  Or you’ll give that “drama” thing a try.  But you'll know. 

Best of luck. 

My contribution to uniting the country

We are clearly a polarized nation.  (Don’t worry, this isn’t a political rant.)  And you would think it would extend to humor.  The Blue States appreciate urban humor while the Red States go for comedy that’s more rural. 

But I don’t think that’s necessarily true. 

On MASH we frankly didn’t care who was watching. We knew we had high ratings so that was good enough for us.  We never stopped to think, “Will they get this in Iowa?”  We just assumed our audience was intelligent and treated them as such.  We used Yiddish expressions, made obscure references to Adolphe Menjou (pictured above), philosophical jokes, Algonquin Round Table banter, sarcasm, political humor, word play — anything we felt was appropriate for the moment and characters.  

Several TV critics said we were too highbrow for Middle America.  They suggested we make the show more accessible.   We felt they weren't giving the audience enough credit.  They were capable of appreciating a military comedy that wasn't GOMER PYLE. 

Here’s what we found:  MASH was a way bigger hit in the “flyover states” than the big cities.  Forget Manhattan, those Yiddish expressions were for Omaha.

MASH is still a huge hit in syndication.  You would think over time, considering how ultra-liberal the show was, that maybe now Middle America would sour on the 4077.  Nope.  Doing just as well or better. 

I find that very comforting.  It’s nice to know that in a very small way through MASH I’m helping to unite the country.  And more important -- getting residuals for it.  

My snarky Super Bowl review

In one of the more boring Super Bowls of the LV, Tampa Bay won 31-9, except on Fox News where Kansas City won in a landslide.  

CBS tried to sell the game as an example of unity.  Jim Nantz said, “We all unify to watch the game as one.”  Later, Bruce Springsteen voiced an ad for Jeep extolling the virtues of unity.  Unfortunately, many of the people the Boss was trying to reach hate him because they think he’s Jewish.  

For the first time in LV years people paid attention to the announcers.  Well…maybe for the first half.   Even the 30,000 cardboard cutouts in the stands looked bored the last two hours.  

Jim Nantz deserves more credit than he receives.  He’s incredibly observant and spots things on the field even his analysts don’t.  Just wish he showed some personality.  That’s why Tony Romo gets the big bucks and Ian Eagle was standing by the stratocaster in makeup.  

I love Tony’s enthusiasm, but 80% of his analysis goes right over my head.  He needs to remember he’s talking to mostly casual fans who only know Patrick Mahomes from Allstate commercials.  

Also, I don’t know why networks feel they have to pay any analysts huge salaries.  The same number of people are going to watch the game if Tony Romo or Pee Wee Herman provides analysis.    

When a fan ran out onto the field I was only sorry I wasn’t listening to Kevin Harlan describe it on the radio.   Now there’s a guy who should be getting the mega bucks.  

I skipped the Super Bowl pre-game coverage.  Nineteen hours of Phil Sims and EQUALIZER promos.    If you’re going to devote that much airtime to preview one game (and be wrong as it turned out — so much for “the quarterback duel of the ages”), at least mix in a telethon for Jerry’s Kids.  Phil can gush over Patrick Mahomes and then Jack Jones can sing “Wives & Lovers.”  

Tom Brady wasn’t the only one to come through again. Amanda Gorman’s ode to America’s essential workers was moving and spot on.  

H.E.R. did a beautiful job of “America the Beautiful.”  Eric Church and Bleeding Gums Murphy sang “the National Anthem.”    

The G.O.A.T. version of the “the National Anthem” was done by Whitney Houston in Super Bowl XXLVIXIIXLVIXX.  

Here’s a fun nugget: “Expatriate (or “Ex-Patriot)” Tom Brady is older than Ed Asner was the first three years of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.  Talk about spunk.

Jim Nantz had several fun nuggets.  Example after the coin toss:  “This is the eleventh straight Super Bowl where the winning team has deferred.”   Uh… the winning team always defers.  

Considering both teams wore red on a green field I felt sorry for anyone who was colorblind.  

Another fun Nantz nugget:  Telling us that when Tom Brady got off the bus, he walked out onto the field and gazed.”   And…?  And…?  Ian Eagle would have had a punchline.  

There were two commercials for the same audience:  One inviting passengers to fly to outer space and the other to join Scientology.  

As usual, the Halftime Show was way over-produced and cheesier than any Orange Bowl Halftime.  And the sound was atrocious.  The Weeknd sounded like he was at the bottom of a well.  You couldn’t understand a word he sang.  The golden hall of mirrors simulated the side effects of the second Moderna shot, and then there was the big finale with the “Claude Rains Memorial Invisible Man” dance troupe doing a dinner theatre recreation of “Thriller.”   

And keeping with that theme, the Weeknd’s backdrop looked like lit tombstones in a graveyard.  

If it was a salute to the dead, why not just replay the Prince Halftime Show?  That was spectacular.  

At one point they showed the big full moon over the stadium along with fireworks and I thought it was the opening to THE HONEYMOONERS.  

If they’re just going to have a solo singer, save the money and let Jack Jones sing “Wives & Lovers.”  

The commercials were more of the same.  This year’s theme was cramming as many random celebrities into each spot as they could.  Like mini-Superhero rendezvous.   You had the CBS Avengers climb the Paramount mountain, the Scott’s Miracle Glo X-Men with John Travolta and Martha Stewart, and the Bud Light Justice League of America.  

The Vince Lombardi spot and CGI was very stirring.  However, the only people who recognized Vince Lombardi are the ones now eligible for the vaccine.  

One good thing about Kansas City trailing (except on Fox News) was that we stopped hearing the “tomahawk” chant.   I wonder if they’re going to have to change their name like the Redskins and Indians did.   There has to be something more identified with KC.  I know there’s that Wilbert Harrison big hit song from 1959.  Maybe “the Kansas City Crazy Little Women?”  Just a thought.  

There was the M&M commercial suggesting you could apologize for anything and all would be forgiven with a package of M&M’s.  That would only fly if they showed Donald Trump giving one to everyone in America saying, “I’m sorry for trying to overthrow the country.”  

The worst commercials:  The Jason Alexander sweatshirt (yeah, SEINFELD is in the Zeitgeist), Wayne’s World (why not bring back Rowan & Martin’s LAUGH IN?), and anything with Anthony Anderson’s mother.  I am so sick of Anthony Anderson’s mother.  Oh… and the Cutwater ad that suggested you drink tequila and then go kayaking.  

Not much to say about the game itself.  Lou Grant could’ve marched the Bucs down the field.  Or, according to all the CBS promos — Queen Latifah. 

Weekend Post

This is an annual post.  "The Lost CHEERS" scene.  Season one of CHEERS and my partner David Isaacs and I were asked to write a scene to be aired during the pre-game of the 1983 Super Bowl (carried that year on NBC).  We wrote it, they filmed it, and it aired right before the game.  80,000,000 people saw it.  Nothing I've ever written has been seen by that many people at one time.   

The scene was never re-run and never showed up in any DVD package.  I did not have a copy and I thought it was lost forever.  But the late sportswriter, Joe Resnick, had recorded every Super Bowl.  I asked if I could see that one.  Sure enough the scene was aired close enough to kick-off that it was included in his tape.  I managed to digitize it, and every Super Bowl weekend I feature it.  

So enjoy.  Monday I'll have my review on this year's Super Bowl.

Friday Questions

Leaping into February with Friday Questions.  

Max has a few MASH questions.

Did the sets at the Malibu site have INTERIORS that were used in filming, or were all interior shots in the swamp, mess tent, etc, filmed on the soundstage?

All of the interiors were shot on Stage 9 at 20th Century Fox.   We only shot the exterior scenes we couldn’t film on the stage.  At the most, only a third of an episode was shot at “the ranch” (our Malibu location).  

We also couldn't get a helicopter into the stage.  We weren't MISS SAIGON. 

I’m sure I mentioned this, but of the four years I was associated with the show I went out to the ranch a grand total of once.  Too much writing to do back at the studio.   Although, when I was out there it was a 1000 degrees so I didn't feel all that deprived.  

On the DVDs, all of the episodes have titles, but the titles don't appear anywhere on the actual films in either the opening or closing credits. (This is the case with other shows as well.) Why didn't the episode titles appear in the, uhhh, titles? (If I recall correctly, they WERE used in TV listings back then…)

The decision not to put the titles on the screen was made by Gene Reynolds and Larry Gelbart at the start of the series run.  It’s a decision I agreed with.  Sometimes the title can give away surprises in the episodes.  

Of course when we came up with the titles we had no idea the series would someday be available to buy or rent, or that info on each episode would be available on your various screens.  

I'm learning French, so with a few episodes, I've switched the language track to French and put on English captions. Even with the little French I understand, I can tell that the dialogue is NOT a straight translation. Do you have any sense how "close" it was to the original? Did translators work at all with the writers or producers in creating foreign language versions of the show or were they pretty much on their own?

Once we turned over the finished episode to CBS for original airing we had absolutely nothing to do with it.   No say on translations, no say on closed captions, and no say on further editing for syndication.  It’s the hack-job editing that always stuck in my craw and why I was so happy that the full episodes are now available on various platforms.   Suddenly the stories make sense again!

And finally, Brian asks:

You and/or David Isaacs have run many shows. Which writers adapted to your voice the quickest?

Not that these names are household words, but I would have to say Robin Schiff, Mike & Linda Teverbaugh, Ken Estin, Tom Straw, Dan Staley & Rob Long, and Larry Balmagia.  

Unfortunately, that ability does none of them any good today.  

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP210: Comedy Writing Legend, Jim Vallely & the Golden Girls

Jim Vallely is one of the funniest people in Hollywood.  He was a big part of The Golden Girls, Two and a Half Men, and Arrested Development.  This week we focus on his unique career path, tips for writers, and life on The Golden Girls.  Next week: Arrested Development.

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"Alts"

Here’s a Friday Question that became an entire post.  

It’s from Douglas Trapasso:

Did a lot of writing/rewriting of Cheers happen directly on set? 

No.  Very very little.  Maybe a new joke or two, if that.  Most weeks, nothing. But that’s a creative choice.  We worked hard all week to get the show ready to film.  We would definitely make changes after the dress rehearsal, but once the cameras rolled and the audience was in place we trusted the material.  

Other shows like FRIENDS and WILL & GRACE did a lot of changing on the stage.  They also had prepared alternative jokes (called “alts”) ready to go.   You can’t argue success so their way was as good as ours.

But we felt that too many changes burned out the actors.  It’s enough that the actors had to memorize the script, perform the script at top efficiency, hit all kinds of marks and accommodate technical demands, without also being thrown thirty new one liners a show at the last second.  

And it really threw guest actors.  Actors not used to performing in front of a studio audience sometimes found the process difficult and maddening.  Throwing them new jokes on the fly only succeeded in rattling them more.  

I won't mention his name, but one time on FRASIER we had a pretty big movie star do a quick two page scene.  In movies he generally plays very cocky and in command.  He was terrified.  It took forever to film that two page scene.  Now imagine if we had also tossed him new lines. 

We also felt that series regulars would become very lax in memorizing the script if they knew it was going to constantly change on filming night.   (Although, on CHEERS, by the last few season they became very lax anyway.)  

There’s also audience management.  Stopping after every take for the writers to huddle for ten minutes takes its toll on the audience.  The novelty of being at a TV taping rubs off very quickly.  

So if you don’t move things along they just check out.  When that happens they don't laugh as much, they don’t follow the story, they just want to go home.   

And they figure out very quickly what you’re doing.  So they begin to laugh hard at any new joke just so the show can move along.  As a result, you don’t even get a true reading as to whether the new joke worked.  

FRIENDS took so long they had two audiences.  One at 4:00.  They got burned out and a second audience came in at 8:00 or 9:00.  But that’s FRIENDS, an insanely beloved show.  Good luck had they tried that on 2 BROKE GIRLS.  

So for those reasons, we chose to rewrite very little on the stage.  We wanted to send the message to the actors that we believed in the material we had given them. We committed and asked them to commit as well.  

Again, this is just a creative choice the Charles Brothers made initially at CHEERS and when my partner, David Isaacs and I were running a show, we made that choice as well.  If you were ever in the audience of one of our shows, you'd thank us.

Saturday Night Flatline

This is rather shocking.  Last Saturday night (January 30th), the four major broadcast networks COMBINED attracted an audience of only 8 million people in primetime.  That is a staggeringly low number.  

In the ‘70s CBS used to draw 30 million all by themselves (with shows like ALL IN THE FAMILY, MASH, THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW, THE BOB NEWHART SHOW, and THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW).  GOLDEN GIRLS in the ‘80s was bringing in 20 million a week on NBC.  

The addition of cable and premium services took enough of a dent into network viewing during this century that networks gave up on Saturday night long ago.  They threw in the towel, programming reruns (from shows aired earlier in the week), cheap news magazines, and reality shows.  

And Fridays are heading in that direction.  Wrestling, reality shows, and more news magazines.  

Face it, networks are one step away from showing informercials on Friday and Saturday nights.  

Broadcast networks, as we’ve known them since the beginning of TV are dead.  

Here’s what I predict will happen:  Each of the major networks (with the exception of Fox) are currently owned by a mega- conglomerate.  They all own a streaming services.  Streaming is the future.  Comcast’s main focus will be on Peacock not NBC.  CBS and ABC are set to become respective bastard children too.   Their competition is Netflix, and Hulu, and Apple, and Amazon, and HBO Max, and whoever else I’m missing.  BRIDGERTON has been seen by 80 million on Netflix we’re told.  Four networks combined get a tenth of that.  

Stick a (tuning) fork in it.   

I think there will be a flip.  Original scripted programming now debuts on the major broadcast networks and then go to their streaming services.  Very soon it will be the other way around.  A new show will premiere on Disney + and then a week later appear on ABC. Broadcast networks will be for the residue, folks that don’t want to pay for additional platforms.   For the Time-Warners and Viacoms they will become an afterthought — a way to pick up some additional change, the way their radio divisions and billboard divisions are.   How long until the Super Bowl is no longer on broadcast TV?    

Y’see, here’s why the conglomerates are so excited about streaming:  They can double dip.  Let’s say NBC has the Super Bowl.  On their broadcast network they collect the advertising revenue.  Should they go to Peacock they rake in the ad money AND you’re paying a subscription fee on top of that.   But wait!  There's more!  The Super Bowl will lure a lot more people to subscribe and THAT’S where the real money is.  

8 million people between CBS, NBC, ABC, and Fox for one night?  Hold a mirror up to the body to see if it’s still breathing.  

RIP Allan Burns

One of the comedy writers I absolutely revered passed away on Saturday.  Allan Burns was 85.  Among his many achievements, Allan was co-creator and co-showrunner of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.    He later went on to do LOU GRANT, get an Oscar nomination for A LITTLE ROMANCE, but before all that wrote Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons.  

He was also one of the nicest men on the planet.  

His writing was hilarious but always rooted in humanity. As funny as THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW was, to me the key was that you always cared — cared about the characters, cared about their problems — and much of that came from Allan.  The laughs were relatable, universal, and never mean spirited.  

When David Isaacs and I were doing that later show for Mary Tyler Moore, Allan was an invaluable resource; gracious with his time and advice.  

I’d go to lunch with him from time to time and never could believe he was treating me as a peer.  This was comedy royalty.  When David and I were starting out, we wrote spec episodes of THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and RHODA.  Allan and his partner Jim Brooks were our idols.  Their shows were the gold standard.  We studied them.  Frankly, I was more impressed meeting Allan Burns than Mary Tyler Moore.  

In a town that runs on schadenfreude, Allan always wanted you to do well.  He derived genuine pleasure out of others success.  He welcomed your ideas, your contributions and was the first to laugh at your jokes.  In a rough and tumble industry Allan was gentle.  Decisive and always striving for excellence but kind and respectful of your feelings.  You did your best work for Allan because you wanted to.  

Allan Burns inspired me to become a TV comedy writer.  I owe so much to him.    And he wouldn’t even let me pay for lunch.  But that’s Allan.  He will be forever missed. From now on when you see Mary throw her hat in the air and it freezes, don't watch the hat, read the names on the screen.