Since I have quite a few new readers (and I’m flying to Florida today) I thought I’d re-post one of my most popular entries. From last November, this is PORN STAR KARAOKE. Enjoy or re-enjoy.
*****
There’s a bar tucked away in a Burbank strip mall between a cleaners and donut shop that on Tuesday nights presents “Porn Star Karaoke”. My friend Kevin and I checked it out and needless to say it was a classy affair. Laminated signs listed the rules, one being “No oral sex in the bathrooms”.
I knew we were in for a great evening when I saw the “Porn Star Karaoke” banner on the stage next to a menorah.
The adult world’s elite showed up – twenty gum popping smoking bimbos in halter tops and hot pants, raccoon make up and (as Kevin said) enough silicone in their bodies to be legally considered a Mattel toy. They were accompanied by the usual assortment of buff porn kings who dyed their hair even though they're 25, and fat middle aged guys in pony tails and billowing Hawaiian shirts. They were probably the girls’ dads.
The stars started filing in around 10. Ron Jeremy was there at 6.
The D.J. set the elegant tone for the evening by saying to the first porn crooner, “You’re not allowed to talk about how hot your pussy is”. She took it in good spirits and mimed choking on the microphone. It’s how I always pictured the Rainbow Room.
Musical ability is not why these girls are known as Golden Throats. Not one of them could sing a note. But they did find other ways to bring home their songs. One did Sir Mix-a-lot’s “Baby Got Back” and demonstrated by dropping her pants. If Diana Degarmo did that she’d be an American Idol today.
Two more made out with each other on stage (how else are you gonna fill that instrumental bridge?), while a porn king who looked like Eric Roberts in "Star 80" only sleazier walked right up to the stage with a digital camcorder and filmed extreme close ups of their breasts ("someday I hope to direct").
I was disappointed none of the stars sang Janis Joplin’s heartbreaking classic “Down on Me”.
The place was rocking and yet there was some guy at a table just reading a book. That must've been a helluva book.
They gave away prizes and I won one! It’s the first time in my entire life I’ve ever won anything. How fitting it should be a porn DVD -- the 2 disc collector’s set of ETERNITY starring Stormy Danials, Jessica Drake, and a horse. Plus, it comes with a director’s track. ("I began by shooting extreme close ups of breasts".)
Unfortunately, we had to leave before I could get up and do my medley from “Fiddler on the Roof”. But there’s always next week…and the following week…and the week after that.
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Friday, March 10, 2006
America's REAL first family -- the SOPRANOS
Finally! The SOPRANOS return on Sunday night. God, it’s bad enough Teri Hatcher had to contend with her DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE co-star, Felicity Huffman getting an Oscar nomination, now THIS. Anyway, in anticipation of the new season of the best dramatic series television has ever produced (it’s also maybe the fifth best comedy) here are some random SOPRANO thoughts:
The pressure on creator David Chase to live up to expectations must be enormous…although I’m sure Jon Stewart would say “waaa waaa”.
Interesting that most members of the writing staff are in their 50’s. You mean you don’t lose your talent at 32??
One of the show’s producers should serve as a real inspiration to writers. Matthew Weiner. He was a half hour guy. I worked with him for several years on BECKER. Super talented and funny. A few years ago he decided to reinvent himself and write an hour drama pilot. The networks of course were not the least bit interested but David Chase read it. Matt is now in his second season with the SOPRANOS after having written some of the best episodes from last year. And as a P.S., AMC just gave him the greenlight to make that pilot.
Reprieved from an earlier post – some past credits of the SOPRANOS staff (not saying these are all bad shows, just somewhat different from what you might expect…so I don’t want a lot of comments saying how great Secret Squirrel was.):
The Magician
2 Stupid Dogs
Batman (the animated series)
Cover Me
Swat Kats
Hack
The In-Laws
Baby Blues
American Gothic
DiResti
The New Flipper
The Naked Truth
Living in Captivity
Sister Sister
..... and of course – the Secret Squirrel Show.
Paulie looks the grown-up Butch Munster.
Meadow is now old enough that I don’t feel like a pervert for having a crush on her.
How is Tony going to listen to his oldies in the car now that WCBS-FM is gone? What he SHOULD do is whack all the stupid CBS radio executives who decided to change the station’s format.
More BADA BING scenes. Or at least new episodes of that Cathouse series.
What’s worse than death? Going from the SOPRANOS to the cast of JOEY. RIP Adrianna.
Switched at birth: Tony Soprano and UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland.
Is there a better actress on television than Edie Falco? And if the SOPRANOS was being cast by a network they would probably have insisted on Mel Harris.
Also, if the show were being done for a network the name “Pussy” would have to be changed to “Happy Place”.
I can’t imagine any season being better than the first. How are you going to top Tony’s own mother trying to kill him? I’m still not over it when it happened to me.
I hope Frankie Valli is back.
No wonder sister Janice is such a mess. Tony got the looks in the family.
My favorite character is still Christopher. I hear this year he sees SAW II and is inspired to write a gang related slasher movie. What scares me is that if Christopher were a real person he’d probably be a regular to this blog.
I bet in real life the scariest cast member is Lorraine Bracco.
Even in HD Silvio has no neck.
I don’t care if Cousin Junior ever faces trial or not. I just want the state to take away his drivers’ license. Believe me, he’ll kill more people with his car.
The inside word I hear is that this will be a great season, filled with lots of twists and turns. I can’t wait. It’s been two years…which is probably a longer sentence than Tony would serve for whacking those CBS radio execs.
The pressure on creator David Chase to live up to expectations must be enormous…although I’m sure Jon Stewart would say “waaa waaa”.
Interesting that most members of the writing staff are in their 50’s. You mean you don’t lose your talent at 32??
One of the show’s producers should serve as a real inspiration to writers. Matthew Weiner. He was a half hour guy. I worked with him for several years on BECKER. Super talented and funny. A few years ago he decided to reinvent himself and write an hour drama pilot. The networks of course were not the least bit interested but David Chase read it. Matt is now in his second season with the SOPRANOS after having written some of the best episodes from last year. And as a P.S., AMC just gave him the greenlight to make that pilot.
Reprieved from an earlier post – some past credits of the SOPRANOS staff (not saying these are all bad shows, just somewhat different from what you might expect…so I don’t want a lot of comments saying how great Secret Squirrel was.):
The Magician
2 Stupid Dogs
Batman (the animated series)
Cover Me
Swat Kats
Hack
The In-Laws
Baby Blues
American Gothic
DiResti
The New Flipper
The Naked Truth
Living in Captivity
Sister Sister
..... and of course – the Secret Squirrel Show.
Paulie looks the grown-up Butch Munster.
Meadow is now old enough that I don’t feel like a pervert for having a crush on her.
How is Tony going to listen to his oldies in the car now that WCBS-FM is gone? What he SHOULD do is whack all the stupid CBS radio executives who decided to change the station’s format.
More BADA BING scenes. Or at least new episodes of that Cathouse series.
What’s worse than death? Going from the SOPRANOS to the cast of JOEY. RIP Adrianna.
Switched at birth: Tony Soprano and UCLA basketball coach Ben Howland.
Is there a better actress on television than Edie Falco? And if the SOPRANOS was being cast by a network they would probably have insisted on Mel Harris.
Also, if the show were being done for a network the name “Pussy” would have to be changed to “Happy Place”.
I can’t imagine any season being better than the first. How are you going to top Tony’s own mother trying to kill him? I’m still not over it when it happened to me.
I hope Frankie Valli is back.
No wonder sister Janice is such a mess. Tony got the looks in the family.
My favorite character is still Christopher. I hear this year he sees SAW II and is inspired to write a gang related slasher movie. What scares me is that if Christopher were a real person he’d probably be a regular to this blog.
I bet in real life the scariest cast member is Lorraine Bracco.
Even in HD Silvio has no neck.
I don’t care if Cousin Junior ever faces trial or not. I just want the state to take away his drivers’ license. Believe me, he’ll kill more people with his car.
The inside word I hear is that this will be a great season, filled with lots of twists and turns. I can’t wait. It’s been two years…which is probably a longer sentence than Tony would serve for whacking those CBS radio execs.
Thursday, March 09, 2006
The Lucky Stars Club
Lots of talk this award season over whether this person or that deserved his honor? It reminded me of my “Lucky Stars” club. Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good. Not that these aren’t lovely wonderful people but here are my charter members. Who’s on your list?
Keanu Reeves, Debra Messing, Regis Philbin, Brent Musberger, Ben Affleck, Charlie Sheen, Courtney Cox, Sean Hannity, Rick Monday, Dave Wanstadt, Ashlee & Jessica Simpson, Eric Schaeffer, Andy Rooney, Jennifer Lopez, Jar Jar Binx, the entire administration, Paul Moyer, Debra Messing (deserves to be mentioned twice), Kim on 24, Paris & Nicky Hilton, Tim McCarver, Britney, Craig Kilbourn, Brett Butler, Phil from “the Amazing Race”, anyone hosting “the View”, Bill O’Reilly, Gallagher, Paula Abdul, Paula Marshall, George Lopez, Bob Eubanks, the cast of “Yes , Dear” (especially Anthony Clark), Betty Rubble, Tom Arnold, Don Johnson, Fran Drescher, David Lee Roth, Rick Springfield, the “Govenator”, Richard Gere, Sharon Lawrence, Ren (not Stimpy), Lee Majors, Robin Quivers, Michael Bolton, Tanyon Sturtze, Pat O’Brien, Randy Jackson, Ann Coulter, Kevin Federline, Fergie, Summer Sanders, Suzanne Sommers, Three 6 Mafia, Tony Danza, Phil Simms, George & Carolyn, Nick Lachey, Amarosa, David Caruso, David Brenner, Paul Anka, Matt Clement, Lisa Guerrero, Estaban Loiza, the guy who says “get ready to rummmmble!!”, Pamela Anderson, Ann Heche, Opie & Anthony, Hee-Sop Choi, Nicollette Sheridan, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and of course – the President of the Lucky Stars club – Mr. Charlton Heston.
Keanu Reeves, Debra Messing, Regis Philbin, Brent Musberger, Ben Affleck, Charlie Sheen, Courtney Cox, Sean Hannity, Rick Monday, Dave Wanstadt, Ashlee & Jessica Simpson, Eric Schaeffer, Andy Rooney, Jennifer Lopez, Jar Jar Binx, the entire administration, Paul Moyer, Debra Messing (deserves to be mentioned twice), Kim on 24, Paris & Nicky Hilton, Tim McCarver, Britney, Craig Kilbourn, Brett Butler, Phil from “the Amazing Race”, anyone hosting “the View”, Bill O’Reilly, Gallagher, Paula Abdul, Paula Marshall, George Lopez, Bob Eubanks, the cast of “Yes , Dear” (especially Anthony Clark), Betty Rubble, Tom Arnold, Don Johnson, Fran Drescher, David Lee Roth, Rick Springfield, the “Govenator”, Richard Gere, Sharon Lawrence, Ren (not Stimpy), Lee Majors, Robin Quivers, Michael Bolton, Tanyon Sturtze, Pat O’Brien, Randy Jackson, Ann Coulter, Kevin Federline, Fergie, Summer Sanders, Suzanne Sommers, Three 6 Mafia, Tony Danza, Phil Simms, George & Carolyn, Nick Lachey, Amarosa, David Caruso, David Brenner, Paul Anka, Matt Clement, Lisa Guerrero, Estaban Loiza, the guy who says “get ready to rummmmble!!”, Pamela Anderson, Ann Heche, Opie & Anthony, Hee-Sop Choi, Nicollette Sheridan, Andrew Lloyd Webber, and of course – the President of the Lucky Stars club – Mr. Charlton Heston.
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Diss 'n dat 5
Will someone tell Melissa from AMERICAN IDOL to please cover up her midriff? No one likes to look at that muffin top.
Judging by the even MORE goofy way Paula has been acting lately I wonder if that red Coke glass in front of her is filled with an “adult beverage”. And then refilled every commercial break.
Lost in all the Oscar hoopla is the fact that Paul Haggis has won the best screenplay award for two years running now on SPEC SCRIPTS. It can happen. See ya at Starbucks.
So Barry Bonds has been taking every steroid known to man. Big surprise. Didn’t you notice his head had gotten so big that the only helmet that could fit it is the one on the little bullpen car?
Barry had previously agreed to be the subject of a new ESPN reality show, following him around this season. It’s going to be much more fun now. BEING BONDSADUCE.
I’m still mourning Edgar from 24. Unless you’re an actor with a “co-executive producer” credit in front of your name don’t buy a house. The good news from a writer/producer perspective is that I bet actors don’t say “boo” when they get their weekly scripts. The words “I don’t know if my character would say that” have never been uttered on the 24 stage. And I wouldn’t raise much of a ruckus on LOST either.
More terrifying than the threat of nerve gas killing millions of people on 24 is the possibility of a romance between First Lady Martha and Secret Agent Pierce. ICK!!!!!!! Please Agent Pierce, save it for Kim.
Great acting by Kim (Elisha Cuthbert) by the way. When told her father was alive she reacted to this momentous news by just standing there with a blank mongoloid expression, as if waiting for the director to yell “Action”.
Have you noticed that all the new pilots are being cast with recycled TV stars? Oh boy. Justine Bateman, Greg Germann, Jonathon Silverman. They’re back!! Give me the fresh faces. Give me Chloe on 24, those workers on THE OFFICE. Maybe one of the reasons people are so attracted to reality shows is that Paula Marshall isn’t on any of them.
The only reason CRASH won is because they sent out DVD’s to every member of practically every Hollywood union. I think I got three of them. So next year all you studios would be wise to send out those DVD’s to all of us. Even if you think a movie is marginal, play it safe, send a copy to me.
How starved for baseball am I? I drove around yesterday listening to the Venezuela/Dominican Republic game. Since they waited for me to get in the car before starting I’m guessing they’re not drawing a big audience.
Why are the producers of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN so upset? Sure they lost the Oscar but they did win the even more prestigious Golden Globe.
Thanks to Mark from Newsfromme.com and Howard from Hoffmania.com for the shout outs. Welcome new readers. I hope you'll stick around.
Judging by the even MORE goofy way Paula has been acting lately I wonder if that red Coke glass in front of her is filled with an “adult beverage”. And then refilled every commercial break.
Lost in all the Oscar hoopla is the fact that Paul Haggis has won the best screenplay award for two years running now on SPEC SCRIPTS. It can happen. See ya at Starbucks.
So Barry Bonds has been taking every steroid known to man. Big surprise. Didn’t you notice his head had gotten so big that the only helmet that could fit it is the one on the little bullpen car?
Barry had previously agreed to be the subject of a new ESPN reality show, following him around this season. It’s going to be much more fun now. BEING BONDSADUCE.
I’m still mourning Edgar from 24. Unless you’re an actor with a “co-executive producer” credit in front of your name don’t buy a house. The good news from a writer/producer perspective is that I bet actors don’t say “boo” when they get their weekly scripts. The words “I don’t know if my character would say that” have never been uttered on the 24 stage. And I wouldn’t raise much of a ruckus on LOST either.
More terrifying than the threat of nerve gas killing millions of people on 24 is the possibility of a romance between First Lady Martha and Secret Agent Pierce. ICK!!!!!!! Please Agent Pierce, save it for Kim.
Great acting by Kim (Elisha Cuthbert) by the way. When told her father was alive she reacted to this momentous news by just standing there with a blank mongoloid expression, as if waiting for the director to yell “Action”.
Have you noticed that all the new pilots are being cast with recycled TV stars? Oh boy. Justine Bateman, Greg Germann, Jonathon Silverman. They’re back!! Give me the fresh faces. Give me Chloe on 24, those workers on THE OFFICE. Maybe one of the reasons people are so attracted to reality shows is that Paula Marshall isn’t on any of them.
The only reason CRASH won is because they sent out DVD’s to every member of practically every Hollywood union. I think I got three of them. So next year all you studios would be wise to send out those DVD’s to all of us. Even if you think a movie is marginal, play it safe, send a copy to me.
How starved for baseball am I? I drove around yesterday listening to the Venezuela/Dominican Republic game. Since they waited for me to get in the car before starting I’m guessing they’re not drawing a big audience.
Why are the producers of BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN so upset? Sure they lost the Oscar but they did win the even more prestigious Golden Globe.
Thanks to Mark from Newsfromme.com and Howard from Hoffmania.com for the shout outs. Welcome new readers. I hope you'll stick around.
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
My Oscar rant continues
No wonder everyone turns down hosting the Oscars. It’s like walking into a propeller. Jon Stewart did as well as could be expected for any rookie. And yet, I see he’s getting a shitload of criticism.
First complaint: He was nervous at the start. Well, DUH!!!
He was playing to an audience of 5000 clenched sphincters.
He was totally out of his element.
Half the viewing audience was Red State idiots who would have only been happy if the cast of HEE HAW hosted the event.
A billion people who can’t speak English were judging him worldwide.
And the blood of big name past hosts who bombed is what gives the red carpet its color.
Second: He caused the ratings to be down this year. This only reinforces Hollywood’s total disconnect with the public. The ratings were down because no one saw the nominated movies or gave a shit! The Oscars have become the Tonys (except if they were the Tonys BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN would have won).
Third: He’s being blasted for his best line of the night – “Number of Oscars…Three 6 Mafia 1, Martin Scorcese 0”. It’s a racial slur, shows a lack of respect, yada yada.
Gosh, have we learned nothing from our vaunted Best Picture CRASH??? Why can’t we all just learn to get along, people???
Here’s the truth: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is a horrible song. Maybe the worst Oscar winning song EVER. And as for not receiving their proper respect, Three 6 Mafia are the same wordsmiths that gave us such timeless gems as “Slob On My Knob”, “Pussy Got You Hooked”, and “Sippin on Sizzurp”.
GET REAL!
I hope Jon Stewart is asked back. Next year he’ll be less nervous, maybe a movie that isn’t a big lesson will be up for awards, and Martin Scorcese will at least tie the score.
Oh, and one other thing while I’m ranting. All through the show the Academy’s message was bludgeonly clear – see movies on the big screen not on DVD’s. So what do they do? Show montages all night long of classic movies that are ONLY available on DVD. When was the last time you saw KEY LARGO at your local Cineplex?
First complaint: He was nervous at the start. Well, DUH!!!
He was playing to an audience of 5000 clenched sphincters.
He was totally out of his element.
Half the viewing audience was Red State idiots who would have only been happy if the cast of HEE HAW hosted the event.
A billion people who can’t speak English were judging him worldwide.
And the blood of big name past hosts who bombed is what gives the red carpet its color.
Second: He caused the ratings to be down this year. This only reinforces Hollywood’s total disconnect with the public. The ratings were down because no one saw the nominated movies or gave a shit! The Oscars have become the Tonys (except if they were the Tonys BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN would have won).
Third: He’s being blasted for his best line of the night – “Number of Oscars…Three 6 Mafia 1, Martin Scorcese 0”. It’s a racial slur, shows a lack of respect, yada yada.
Gosh, have we learned nothing from our vaunted Best Picture CRASH??? Why can’t we all just learn to get along, people???
Here’s the truth: “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” is a horrible song. Maybe the worst Oscar winning song EVER. And as for not receiving their proper respect, Three 6 Mafia are the same wordsmiths that gave us such timeless gems as “Slob On My Knob”, “Pussy Got You Hooked”, and “Sippin on Sizzurp”.
GET REAL!
I hope Jon Stewart is asked back. Next year he’ll be less nervous, maybe a movie that isn’t a big lesson will be up for awards, and Martin Scorcese will at least tie the score.
Oh, and one other thing while I’m ranting. All through the show the Academy’s message was bludgeonly clear – see movies on the big screen not on DVD’s. So what do they do? Show montages all night long of classic movies that are ONLY available on DVD. When was the last time you saw KEY LARGO at your local Cineplex?
Monday, March 06, 2006
Hawaiian I
Back from a long weekend getaway to the Grand Wailea Hotel in Maui. Please keep watching those CHEERS reruns. Please!!!!
First thing spotted upon leaving the airport – the “Bad Ass Coffee Company”. Yes!! I’m in Hawaii!
The Grand Wailea is now managed by Hilton. In order to give it that Hilton “signature” they’re starting a major renovation – making the walls between each room thinner.
Can Neutrogenia soap be far behind?
Lots of conventioneers here this time of year. You can tell because…
…the bars are always packed.
…you see grown ups going down the water slides …fully clothed.
…at 10:15, noon, and 2:30 you hear “BI BI AMERICAN PIE” coming out of every room.
There are also a lot of 50 year old guys with gorgeous 30 year old blondes who are SAYING they’re at a convention.
A local newscast featured a ski report. To get to Aspen from here you need more than chains.
We commandeered a secluded vacant cabana. (They go for $200 a day. A major GNP in Hawaii is shade.) I was very relaxed but my wife acted like it was 1938 Vienna.
Big doings: The magnificent Queen Elizabeth II was here for a day. She asked directions to Australia then headed out.
Hard to say who’s more famous here – Captain Cook or Captain Morgan.
Sunday night we suffered through the Academy Awards and ordered room service. I asked the waiter if this was his busiest night of the year? He said not even close. It’s worse every night that AMERICAN IDOL is on. Hmmm. Maybe Simon Cowell should host the Oscars.
The Maui newspaper (the Herald-Macadamia I believe) had a big story on which four contestants got voted off of AMERICAN IDOL. News on Iraq came three pages later.
This is whale watching season. It’s a sight not to be missed. There are excursion boats for $30 or you could go out on the QE2 for $25,000. The QE2 provides snacks.
Meanwhile, Britney Spears is vacationing next door at the Four Seasons. Excursion boats are $30.
We were lucky. Fabulous weather. Meanwhile, on Oahu on Thursday one side of the island got no rain while the other got 11 inches in like twenty minutes. The story was on page three because Paula Abdul getting past airport security in Las Vegas was the big headline.
We missed the Maui Celtic Pipes & Drums concert. When you think of Hawaii you naturally think of bagpipes.
Now that Hilton runs the Grand Wailea if you stay here for two weeks you get one free night at the Des Moines Airport Hilton.
I was the only one on the beach reading “Great Pretenders: My Strange Love Affair with ‘50s Pop Music” by Karen Schoemer. All you ever wanted to know about Patti Page including who she is.
The Aloha Spirit is alive: Supposedly Maui police have shot more civilians than all other Hawaiian island police forces combined. “Book him, Dan –“ BANG!!!
Saw a sign on the road that said DOLLARS FOR COLLARS. At first I thought it was a pet shelter but maybe it has something to do with police arrests.
I wonder if Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle is aware of this. (Even elected officials sound like they’re lounge singers at the Lahaina Marriott.)
But I don’t care if it’s a police state, has floods, local news even worse than Fox, and is overpriced – Hawaii is heaven on earth and someday that’s where I want to live. And if you ask what would I do there? The local McDonalds has a big banner that says ALWAYS HIRING.
Aloha,
Kahuna Ken
First thing spotted upon leaving the airport – the “Bad Ass Coffee Company”. Yes!! I’m in Hawaii!
The Grand Wailea is now managed by Hilton. In order to give it that Hilton “signature” they’re starting a major renovation – making the walls between each room thinner.
Can Neutrogenia soap be far behind?
Lots of conventioneers here this time of year. You can tell because…
…the bars are always packed.
…you see grown ups going down the water slides …fully clothed.
…at 10:15, noon, and 2:30 you hear “BI BI AMERICAN PIE” coming out of every room.
There are also a lot of 50 year old guys with gorgeous 30 year old blondes who are SAYING they’re at a convention.
A local newscast featured a ski report. To get to Aspen from here you need more than chains.
We commandeered a secluded vacant cabana. (They go for $200 a day. A major GNP in Hawaii is shade.) I was very relaxed but my wife acted like it was 1938 Vienna.
Big doings: The magnificent Queen Elizabeth II was here for a day. She asked directions to Australia then headed out.
Hard to say who’s more famous here – Captain Cook or Captain Morgan.
Sunday night we suffered through the Academy Awards and ordered room service. I asked the waiter if this was his busiest night of the year? He said not even close. It’s worse every night that AMERICAN IDOL is on. Hmmm. Maybe Simon Cowell should host the Oscars.
The Maui newspaper (the Herald-Macadamia I believe) had a big story on which four contestants got voted off of AMERICAN IDOL. News on Iraq came three pages later.
This is whale watching season. It’s a sight not to be missed. There are excursion boats for $30 or you could go out on the QE2 for $25,000. The QE2 provides snacks.
Meanwhile, Britney Spears is vacationing next door at the Four Seasons. Excursion boats are $30.
We were lucky. Fabulous weather. Meanwhile, on Oahu on Thursday one side of the island got no rain while the other got 11 inches in like twenty minutes. The story was on page three because Paula Abdul getting past airport security in Las Vegas was the big headline.
We missed the Maui Celtic Pipes & Drums concert. When you think of Hawaii you naturally think of bagpipes.
Now that Hilton runs the Grand Wailea if you stay here for two weeks you get one free night at the Des Moines Airport Hilton.
I was the only one on the beach reading “Great Pretenders: My Strange Love Affair with ‘50s Pop Music” by Karen Schoemer. All you ever wanted to know about Patti Page including who she is.
The Aloha Spirit is alive: Supposedly Maui police have shot more civilians than all other Hawaiian island police forces combined. “Book him, Dan –“ BANG!!!
Saw a sign on the road that said DOLLARS FOR COLLARS. At first I thought it was a pet shelter but maybe it has something to do with police arrests.
I wonder if Hawaii Governor Linda Lingle is aware of this. (Even elected officials sound like they’re lounge singers at the Lahaina Marriott.)
But I don’t care if it’s a police state, has floods, local news even worse than Fox, and is overpriced – Hawaii is heaven on earth and someday that’s where I want to live. And if you ask what would I do there? The local McDonalds has a big banner that says ALWAYS HIRING.
Aloha,
Kahuna Ken
Oscar Review 2006
If I were in Bhutan or Croatia I’d be watching the Oscars live but here in America’s 50th state they’re on a four hour tape delay. So I was going to go on the internet, see who won, then bet all the Hawaiians. Trouble is, none of them gave a shit. Maybe if even one of the Best Picture nominees played here they’d be remotely interested.
Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny? I hope so. Because if they don’t ask him back, next in line is Larry the Cable Guy.
Tom Hanks spoofed longwinded winner speeches but his own two lasted hours. Is there a teacher of his he did not thank?
You were not allowed to dislike any of the Best Film nominees this year. If you didn’t root for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN you’re homophobic, CRASH --you’re a racist, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK -- you’re a right wing Fascist, CAPOTE -- all of the above. And if you didn’t root for MUNICH you’re Jewish.
George Clooney is the classiest man in Hollywood. I admire him so much I no longer want to kill him.
Russell Crowe is the anti-George Clooney.
Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg has become all about Oscar grubbing. He makes a mediocre movie (well, two), whines loud enough when critics and audiences yawn to still get five nominations, and then has the chutzpah to say, “I guess I’m just so proud of the academy for the courage it must have taken to give us the best-picture nomination.” Courage???!!! To kiss up to the 800 pound gorilla? Real courage would have been for the academy to admit this was an overblown Hollywood misfire and nominate WEDDING CRASHERS instead.
Stevie, instead of making two mediocre movies in one year how about making one great movie every two years?
I loved Charlize Theron’s shoulder purse.
Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.
Philip Seymour Hoffman has deserved an Oscar since BOOGIE NIGHTS.
Did you notice that everyone thanked their mother this year?
Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.
Rachel McAdams is a star in training – she hosted the technical awards. Next year maybe she can present the short subject animation award.
When they introduce Tom Hanks why don’t they play the theme from VOLUNTEERS?
KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????
Kelly Clarkson? Did you see Dolly Parton? That’s you in thirty years.
They should have run the M&M collagen commercial before the Dolly Parton number.
The set was Maestros without the steaks.
I was hoping the movie about strippers won Best Costumes.
Sandra Bullock’s gown had pockets. And I thought I saw a Snickers in one.
Every year some beautiful woman looks like a raccoon. This year it was Kiera Knightley. Just roll out of bed and show up! Trust me, you’ll still be the prettiest girl in the room.
My vote for best supporting actor: the guy who played Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. He was uncanny!!
When Felicity Huffman lost Teri Hatcher cheered so loud I could hear her across the Pacific Ocean. C’mon, Teri, you had your chance in FORD FAIRLANE.
Jennifer Aniston was there to remind everybody she’s still in movies. See you next year at the Emmys.
William Hurt’s Oscar nomination means he won’t have to guest star again on KING OF QUEENS.
Mazol tov to winner Rachel Weisz. Even seven months pregnant, she looked better than 90% of the women.
Yeah Jennifer Garner is nursing.
Michelle Williams came as Big Bird.
I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.
And then it won. I’m amazed it did and even more amazed that no one in Three 6 Mafia said “motherfucker” in their acceptance speech?
It was painful and heartbreaking watching Lauren Becall.
But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.
Matt Dillon’s nomination was a make up for his work last year in HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.
Reese Witherspoon is the new Julia Roberts. In ten years she’ll be the new Meryl Streep and in twenty the new Joanne Woodward.
I miss Randy Thomas as the announcer. Chris Rock was the problem last year not Randy.
Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.
Salma Hayek looked gorgeous but is a terrible presenter. She even had trouble pronouncing the Hispanic names.
I don’t feel bad that Judi Densch lost. You know she’ll be nominated again next year…even if the only role she plays is M in the new James Bond film.
Leave it to a writer to show up in jeans.
How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?
Okay, we get it. Hollywood wants us to see movies in the theatre and not on DVD’s. Make better movies. We’ll pay to see them. Otherwise, it’s Netflix.
I don’t care that Jessica Alba has never been in a movie I’ve seen, I love her.
CRASH over BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? Wow. That was a stunner. Now comes the real fun – the lawsuit among producers over which of them are entitled to the Oscar. Wonder if there will be name calling and racial slurs.
Interesting that the Best Picture of the Year has more coincidences than the Junior Mints episode of SEINFELD.
But I was rooting for them.
In fact, since I’m not a racist, homophobic, or a right wing Fascist I was hoping all FIVE would win. Okay, not MUNICH.
Time to order a Jessica Alba movie on Netflix.
Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny? I hope so. Because if they don’t ask him back, next in line is Larry the Cable Guy.
Tom Hanks spoofed longwinded winner speeches but his own two lasted hours. Is there a teacher of his he did not thank?
You were not allowed to dislike any of the Best Film nominees this year. If you didn’t root for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN you’re homophobic, CRASH --you’re a racist, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK -- you’re a right wing Fascist, CAPOTE -- all of the above. And if you didn’t root for MUNICH you’re Jewish.
George Clooney is the classiest man in Hollywood. I admire him so much I no longer want to kill him.
Russell Crowe is the anti-George Clooney.
Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg has become all about Oscar grubbing. He makes a mediocre movie (well, two), whines loud enough when critics and audiences yawn to still get five nominations, and then has the chutzpah to say, “I guess I’m just so proud of the academy for the courage it must have taken to give us the best-picture nomination.” Courage???!!! To kiss up to the 800 pound gorilla? Real courage would have been for the academy to admit this was an overblown Hollywood misfire and nominate WEDDING CRASHERS instead.
Stevie, instead of making two mediocre movies in one year how about making one great movie every two years?
I loved Charlize Theron’s shoulder purse.
Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.
Philip Seymour Hoffman has deserved an Oscar since BOOGIE NIGHTS.
Did you notice that everyone thanked their mother this year?
Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.
Rachel McAdams is a star in training – she hosted the technical awards. Next year maybe she can present the short subject animation award.
When they introduce Tom Hanks why don’t they play the theme from VOLUNTEERS?
KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????
Kelly Clarkson? Did you see Dolly Parton? That’s you in thirty years.
They should have run the M&M collagen commercial before the Dolly Parton number.
The set was Maestros without the steaks.
I was hoping the movie about strippers won Best Costumes.
Sandra Bullock’s gown had pockets. And I thought I saw a Snickers in one.
Every year some beautiful woman looks like a raccoon. This year it was Kiera Knightley. Just roll out of bed and show up! Trust me, you’ll still be the prettiest girl in the room.
My vote for best supporting actor: the guy who played Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. He was uncanny!!
When Felicity Huffman lost Teri Hatcher cheered so loud I could hear her across the Pacific Ocean. C’mon, Teri, you had your chance in FORD FAIRLANE.
Jennifer Aniston was there to remind everybody she’s still in movies. See you next year at the Emmys.
William Hurt’s Oscar nomination means he won’t have to guest star again on KING OF QUEENS.
Mazol tov to winner Rachel Weisz. Even seven months pregnant, she looked better than 90% of the women.
Yeah Jennifer Garner is nursing.
Michelle Williams came as Big Bird.
I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.
And then it won. I’m amazed it did and even more amazed that no one in Three 6 Mafia said “motherfucker” in their acceptance speech?
It was painful and heartbreaking watching Lauren Becall.
But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.
Matt Dillon’s nomination was a make up for his work last year in HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.
Reese Witherspoon is the new Julia Roberts. In ten years she’ll be the new Meryl Streep and in twenty the new Joanne Woodward.
I miss Randy Thomas as the announcer. Chris Rock was the problem last year not Randy.
Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.
Salma Hayek looked gorgeous but is a terrible presenter. She even had trouble pronouncing the Hispanic names.
I don’t feel bad that Judi Densch lost. You know she’ll be nominated again next year…even if the only role she plays is M in the new James Bond film.
Leave it to a writer to show up in jeans.
How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?
Okay, we get it. Hollywood wants us to see movies in the theatre and not on DVD’s. Make better movies. We’ll pay to see them. Otherwise, it’s Netflix.
I don’t care that Jessica Alba has never been in a movie I’ve seen, I love her.
CRASH over BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? Wow. That was a stunner. Now comes the real fun – the lawsuit among producers over which of them are entitled to the Oscar. Wonder if there will be name calling and racial slurs.
Interesting that the Best Picture of the Year has more coincidences than the Junior Mints episode of SEINFELD.
But I was rooting for them.
In fact, since I’m not a racist, homophobic, or a right wing Fascist I was hoping all FIVE would win. Okay, not MUNICH.
Time to order a Jessica Alba movie on Netflix.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
The Oscars in Hawaii
I'm in the only place in the world that TAPE DELAYS the Oscars....by four hours. Is that even possible??? So my review will appear early tomorrow morning. Don't tell me who won.
Saturday, March 04, 2006
Oscar Flashback Weekend continues
The Oscars and Joan Rivers are almost upon us. My annual review to follow (assuming I can get online from Hawaii). To get you even more geeked up for the big show than you already are, here’s my Oscar review from 2003. Amazingly, some of the people mentioned are still in the business today.
*******
The theme for this year's Oscarcast, of course, was that darn pesky war. Agonizing question for the creative community -- how do we recognize the men and women giving their lives overseas without letting it spoil our good time? And remember, this IS Hollywood. When President Reagan was shot the morning of the Academy Awards the blazing headline in the next day's Variety was "OSCARCAST POSTPONED". Underneath, in much smaller letters, was "President of the United States shot". Gives you some perspective of this town.
So we had the obligatory ribbons and subdued black prom dresses...although I was expecting some to have duct tape as an accessory.
The real effect of the war was the lack of the red carpet arrivals and thus the pre Oscar warm up show. Personally I'm against the war but if it means keeping Joan and Melissa Rivers away from celebrities then perhaps I should rethink my position. However, I sorely miss Channel 5's local coverage. Hollywood fluff boy, Sam Rubin and his co-host, the obscure Toni Senical, were forced to stay in a studio while rocket scientist Mindy Burbano could only report from the bridge overlooking the entrance. No one-on-one interviews this year, no free Altoids to nominees, no idiotic questions...although Mindy did say, "This is something we haven't seen before -- the limos dropping people off, so that's very unusual."
Let's end this war so we can get back to welcoming celebrities properly!!!
Thank God for Steve Martin. An Oscar host who was actually funny. Not that it was hard to top Whoopi Goldberg. Dustin Hoffman was funnier. I think I liked this year's broadcast because (a) no Whoopi, (b) no Debbie Allen, and (c) Nia Vardalos lost.
Someone tell Cameron Diaz to wash her hair before the show.
The set looked like a bad M.C. Escher drawing.
How could the Visual Effects award go to a picture with talking trees?
Jennifer Connelly seemed somber, supercilious, and humorless this evening. Oh, must be the war.
J-Lo was wearing an actual dress. I look forward to her new revealing dress and new husband every year. .
Not since Bob Hope has an Oscar host lusted after more women.
Mary Steenburgen looked fabulous. Another advantage of Whoopi not being there was that Mary's husband, Ted Danson was able to attend.
The Chicago dance number was very subdued. Only 25 dancers and Wayne Newton's light show. Again, the war.
Jennifer Garner looked even better tonight than she did earlier in the day at the gym. And she looked amazing at the gym.
It was nice that the winner of the Short Film award brought up the writer. We could use some respect. Too bad the writer was wearing a ridiculous pink suit.
Mira Sorvino IS Romy (or was she Michele?).
The winner of the Best Costume award wore the ugliest dress of the evening. It's like she was wrapped in a cat house drape.
I miss Revlon sponsoring. Some good Cadillac commercials however, trying desperately to update their image. I suggest the following new slogan: "Cadillac, it's not just for Jews anymore".
Paul Simon was robbed. Bono was robbed. Was I the only one who found it curious that the one song NOT sung on the broadcast was the one that won. Bet you the "f" word was in it....and I'm not talking about "fictitious".
Congratulations to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Maybe now that she's a distinguished Academy Award winner she'll stop doing those cheesey radio commercials for cellphones. Michael Douglas must be breathing a sigh of relief. As part of her pre-nup if she didn't win an Oscar he had to pay her a million dollars. Makes it easier on him when he ultimately has to pay up for cheating on her.
Whose idea was it to have Instant Replay? The show isn't long enough?
Actors seemed to be walking across the stage slower this evening. Wanting more airtime or the war???
Tough night for Julianne Moore. I think her two nominations cancelled themselves out. She'll be back.
And I hope Diane Lane is back. It kills me that Helen Hunt, Kim Bassinger, Goldie Hawn, Geena Davis, and Cher have Oscars while she doesn't.
"Gangs of New York" was up for a gazillion Oscars. Did you like this movie? Did anyone you ever met like this movie?
Martin Scorcese is starting to look like Woody Allen.
Not enough see-through gowns or slits up to arm pits this year. Considering the crop of movies you gotta give us SOMETHING.
If Peter Jennings talked too long during the news breaks were they prepared to start the music under him?
Halle Berry sure took Adrien Brody's kiss in good fun, didn't she? I hope when he's heading home she'd not driving the car right behind him.
I'm sure you asked it. I'll say it with you: "What is Harrison Ford doing with Calista Flockhart?"
And how many times did they cut to a reaction shot from someone in the audience and you said, "Who's that?" More this year than ever.
The tribute to Oscar winners was awesome and depressing. To me it said this: look how many Oscar winners are out of work."
Is it now an Oscar tradition that the Best Actress winner has to babble and blather on interminably? Let's hope Michael Moore is never nominated for Best Actress.
I love how Olivia de Havilland received a standing ovation. Based on the looks on the faces of the celebrities applauding however, it was clear that most of them had no f'ing clue who she is.
Notice a trend? The serious picture gets Best Director, the popular film gets Best Picture. Same with "Private Ryan" & "Shakespeare In Love".
My pick was "Chicago" although I was hoping "the Hours" won because they sent DVD's to all writers. It's a trend I hope continues.
But as long as Nia Vardelos lost I'm happy.
Next year's Oscar race has begun. Chris Rock's "Head of State" opens Friday along with Delroy Lindo's "The Core".
It just occurred to me, there are dozens of swank Oscar parties going on right now. I'm not invited to any of them. My place in this industry is sitting off to the side writing Oscar reviews for everyone on my email list. Is it any wonder I'm so bitchy?
Until next year because I'm sure I won't be invited to any parties then either....
I wish us all peace and no sequels to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".
Ken Levine
*******
The theme for this year's Oscarcast, of course, was that darn pesky war. Agonizing question for the creative community -- how do we recognize the men and women giving their lives overseas without letting it spoil our good time? And remember, this IS Hollywood. When President Reagan was shot the morning of the Academy Awards the blazing headline in the next day's Variety was "OSCARCAST POSTPONED". Underneath, in much smaller letters, was "President of the United States shot". Gives you some perspective of this town.
So we had the obligatory ribbons and subdued black prom dresses...although I was expecting some to have duct tape as an accessory.
The real effect of the war was the lack of the red carpet arrivals and thus the pre Oscar warm up show. Personally I'm against the war but if it means keeping Joan and Melissa Rivers away from celebrities then perhaps I should rethink my position. However, I sorely miss Channel 5's local coverage. Hollywood fluff boy, Sam Rubin and his co-host, the obscure Toni Senical, were forced to stay in a studio while rocket scientist Mindy Burbano could only report from the bridge overlooking the entrance. No one-on-one interviews this year, no free Altoids to nominees, no idiotic questions...although Mindy did say, "This is something we haven't seen before -- the limos dropping people off, so that's very unusual."
Let's end this war so we can get back to welcoming celebrities properly!!!
Thank God for Steve Martin. An Oscar host who was actually funny. Not that it was hard to top Whoopi Goldberg. Dustin Hoffman was funnier. I think I liked this year's broadcast because (a) no Whoopi, (b) no Debbie Allen, and (c) Nia Vardalos lost.
Someone tell Cameron Diaz to wash her hair before the show.
The set looked like a bad M.C. Escher drawing.
How could the Visual Effects award go to a picture with talking trees?
Jennifer Connelly seemed somber, supercilious, and humorless this evening. Oh, must be the war.
J-Lo was wearing an actual dress. I look forward to her new revealing dress and new husband every year. .
Not since Bob Hope has an Oscar host lusted after more women.
Mary Steenburgen looked fabulous. Another advantage of Whoopi not being there was that Mary's husband, Ted Danson was able to attend.
The Chicago dance number was very subdued. Only 25 dancers and Wayne Newton's light show. Again, the war.
Jennifer Garner looked even better tonight than she did earlier in the day at the gym. And she looked amazing at the gym.
It was nice that the winner of the Short Film award brought up the writer. We could use some respect. Too bad the writer was wearing a ridiculous pink suit.
Mira Sorvino IS Romy (or was she Michele?).
The winner of the Best Costume award wore the ugliest dress of the evening. It's like she was wrapped in a cat house drape.
I miss Revlon sponsoring. Some good Cadillac commercials however, trying desperately to update their image. I suggest the following new slogan: "Cadillac, it's not just for Jews anymore".
Paul Simon was robbed. Bono was robbed. Was I the only one who found it curious that the one song NOT sung on the broadcast was the one that won. Bet you the "f" word was in it....and I'm not talking about "fictitious".
Congratulations to Catherine Zeta-Jones. Maybe now that she's a distinguished Academy Award winner she'll stop doing those cheesey radio commercials for cellphones. Michael Douglas must be breathing a sigh of relief. As part of her pre-nup if she didn't win an Oscar he had to pay her a million dollars. Makes it easier on him when he ultimately has to pay up for cheating on her.
Whose idea was it to have Instant Replay? The show isn't long enough?
Actors seemed to be walking across the stage slower this evening. Wanting more airtime or the war???
Tough night for Julianne Moore. I think her two nominations cancelled themselves out. She'll be back.
And I hope Diane Lane is back. It kills me that Helen Hunt, Kim Bassinger, Goldie Hawn, Geena Davis, and Cher have Oscars while she doesn't.
"Gangs of New York" was up for a gazillion Oscars. Did you like this movie? Did anyone you ever met like this movie?
Martin Scorcese is starting to look like Woody Allen.
Not enough see-through gowns or slits up to arm pits this year. Considering the crop of movies you gotta give us SOMETHING.
If Peter Jennings talked too long during the news breaks were they prepared to start the music under him?
Halle Berry sure took Adrien Brody's kiss in good fun, didn't she? I hope when he's heading home she'd not driving the car right behind him.
I'm sure you asked it. I'll say it with you: "What is Harrison Ford doing with Calista Flockhart?"
And how many times did they cut to a reaction shot from someone in the audience and you said, "Who's that?" More this year than ever.
The tribute to Oscar winners was awesome and depressing. To me it said this: look how many Oscar winners are out of work."
Is it now an Oscar tradition that the Best Actress winner has to babble and blather on interminably? Let's hope Michael Moore is never nominated for Best Actress.
I love how Olivia de Havilland received a standing ovation. Based on the looks on the faces of the celebrities applauding however, it was clear that most of them had no f'ing clue who she is.
Notice a trend? The serious picture gets Best Director, the popular film gets Best Picture. Same with "Private Ryan" & "Shakespeare In Love".
My pick was "Chicago" although I was hoping "the Hours" won because they sent DVD's to all writers. It's a trend I hope continues.
But as long as Nia Vardelos lost I'm happy.
Next year's Oscar race has begun. Chris Rock's "Head of State" opens Friday along with Delroy Lindo's "The Core".
It just occurred to me, there are dozens of swank Oscar parties going on right now. I'm not invited to any of them. My place in this industry is sitting off to the side writing Oscar reviews for everyone on my email list. Is it any wonder I'm so bitchy?
Until next year because I'm sure I won't be invited to any parties then either....
I wish us all peace and no sequels to "My Big Fat Greek Wedding".
Ken Levine
Friday, March 03, 2006
An Oscar Flashback Weekend
Aloha from Hawaii. Oscar weekend is here, and so to get you in the mood, here are a couple of my past bitchy Oscar reviews. Today’s is from 2004. Another tomorrow. Mahalo.
****
Welcome to my seventh annual bitchy Oscar review. I didn't get a chance to actually see all the movies this year. For some reason Carmine Caridi didn't loan me his screener tapes.
The Academy Awards were early this year so ABC could finish higher in the February Sweeps than MSNBC.
But earlier Oscars meant fewer full page ads in the trades begging Academy members for nominations. As if these work. My favorite was a few years ago. A full page ad in both Variety and Hollywood Reporter. "For your consideration for BEST ACTOR: DeForrest Kelley, Doc, STAR TREK:THE WRATH OF KAHN".
Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"
As usual I never watch a second of Joan and Melissa Rivers, the Jewish answer to trailer trash.
Angelina Jolie was resplendent in her elegant gown and tattoos.
Yes, Catherine Zeta-Jones looked spectacular but mark my words, she's only three years away from Haddassah arms.
Samantha Morton wore a MacArthur Park dress....it looked like the cake that was left out in the rain.
I'm sorry the Giant Eye from LORD OF THE RINGS didn't win best supporting actor. The horse from SEABISCUIT wasn't even nominated but did land the starring role in the great new Fox pilot, MR. ED.
Billy Crystal hosted again in a desperate attempt to make us all think he still has a feature career.
Jon Stewart, who has as much of a feature career, should be the emcee.
Crystal did a nice job however although his song parodies stopped being funny and fresh six Oscarcasts ago. It's been three years since he last hosted. He couldn't come up with something new in three years? Again, it's not like he's been off making movies.
Why are the Academy Awards classier than the Golden Globes? Sean Connery gives the welcome speech for the Oscars and someone like Rob Schneider does the honor for the Globes.
Since I'm tired of not being nominated I am writing and producing the can't-miss Oscar candidate for next year. Done in the Pixar style, Tim Robbins and Judi Dench play two retards in Middle Earth, directed by Clint Eastwood. Sweeping battle scenes and a dreary Sting song. And Rene Zellwegger as their best friend, "Squint". Total running time: 5 hours 32 minutes.
Has there ever been an Oscar show with LESS suspense??? I found myself rooting for movies I hated just to see an upset.
The set looked like a giant waffle iron.
Congratulations to Tim Robbins. Glad that he won on ABC, the same network that once fired him from the SHAPING UP sitcom pilot.
Rene Zellwegger is the Academy's new darling. She can do accents and never has dated Billy Bob Thornton.
I love how they showed Nichole Kidman when Rene thanked Tom Cruise. Meow.
The Bob Hope tribute was nice. Now that Tom Hanks has starred in and produced movies about World War II he is the Hollywood representative when it comes to the Army (which is why he introduced the Hope tribute I suppose). I remember when that representative used to be an actor who had actually served in the military.
I see the hip hop revolution lasted all of one year. Even Roberto Bernigni lasted two.
Liv Tyler's hair off to one side was interesting. Who was her designer, Picasso?
I'm still humming that catchy COLD MOUNTAIN theme.
After seeing Johnny Depp's haircut I now know why he wore a hat to the Golden Globes. Is he joining Flock of Seagulls?
My son was surprised the winners for the tech awards didn't have pocket protectors in their tuxedos.
Designer Vera Wang wore a dead raccoon. Which looked good on her, by the way.
Every time I hear Jim Carrey being introduced at one of these events I positively cringe. He is unfunny on a par with Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Lieberman.
I enjoyed the Blake Edwards salute. Nice to see a comedy director honored...even if he did ROUGH CUT, SWITCH, BLIND DATE, A FINE MESS, and S.O.B.
Scarlett Johansson wore the mermaid costume from SPLASH but it still looked fabulous on her.
LORD OF THE RINGS might have won 11 Oscars but MASTER & COMMANDER got the big one -- Sound Editing. Expect a big spike in boxoffice receipts this weekend.
The following women looked beautiful: Diane Lane, Jennifer Garner, Holly Hunter (boy, she didn't look that good at my friend's briss), Naomi Watts, and Susan Sarandon (whose push up bra served as her dress).
Can't say the same for Diane Keaton. What was with the Annie Hall look? She makes a movie celebrating her age then dresses like she did 28 years ago. And looked ridiculous in that outfit THEN.
I hope Alec Baldwin has better luck with his custody battle than he did with the Oscars. Remember when he used to be such a catch? Tonight his companion was one of his brothers, either Billy or Fredo, I don't know them well enough.
Catch phrase of the year: "this was an incredible JOURNEY". No movie was a production, it was a "journey". No one had careers. They were all on "journeys". I'm hoping next year the catch phrase will be "What's Up, Hollywood, what's up? Jump on it! Jump on it!"
No nomination for Russell Crowe this year. Guess he has now slept with and dumped every female member of the Academy.
Was Charlize Theron Jean Harlow or what?
No ribbons this go-round. Causes must be so last year.
Director Peter Jackson looked like Rupert on SURVIVOR. They don't have combs in New Zealand? I pity the poor After-Oscar Party that has a buffet.
Lovely tribute for Kate Hepburn delivered by today's equivalent in talent and stature, Julia Roberts. Seeing that montage you had to marvel. Kate Hepburn had a 70 year career and never once had to do a TV series.
Annie Lennox looked like Peter Pan in drag.
How could LORD OF THE RINGS win for best editing when the movie was 3:30 long? What did they possibly leave out???
Thank God for Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. I thought the catagory was "Best Original Song" not "Best Original Dirge".
Only surprise: Brian Helgeland didn't win for writing MYSTIC RIVER. He lost out to a movie where a character named Smiegel says "my preciousssssss" forty thousand times.
I was very happy for Sofia Coppola winning the "Best Original Screenplay" award. Just compare LOST IN TRANSLATION with the bogus SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE which explored the same subject matter in a superficial Hollywood way and you appreciate why Sofia won. She featured real people wrestling with real emotions. It's always nice when a fluke wins.
How come Katherine Hepburn got a longer tribute than Gregory Peck? Not that I'm counting lines.
Odd that they gave out the "Best Director" award before the "Best Actor and Actress".
I can't comment on most of the speeches. I Tivoed past them. What does it say when I Tivo through the show but stop at the ABC Natalie Wood biopic promo?
Charlize Theron thanked her mom but not her dad. There's a good reason for this. Her mom shot and killed her dad, who apparently was abusive. (True story) I find it annoying that the announcer spews meaningless Oscar statistics while the winners are walking up to the stage. Wouldn't you love to hear: "Charlize Theron is the first Oscar winner whose mother shot her father"?
Last year Nicole Kidman won for Best Actress with a big nose attached to her face. This year it's Charlize Theron made to look like a skanky whore. How Hollywood is that? Instead of hiring actresses who really are plain or ugly they would rather hire actresses who are gorgeous and load them with make up.
Sean Penn finally won his Oscar. After playing the same meltdown scene in seventeen previous movies they finally gave him one to make him stop.
Bill Murray should have won. It was his best performance since MEATBALLS.
Hope you didn't have any money down on SEABISCUIT.
Until next year, when I'm again at my computer instead of an Oscar party.....
See you at the movies...or at least the video store.
Ken Levine
****
Welcome to my seventh annual bitchy Oscar review. I didn't get a chance to actually see all the movies this year. For some reason Carmine Caridi didn't loan me his screener tapes.
The Academy Awards were early this year so ABC could finish higher in the February Sweeps than MSNBC.
But earlier Oscars meant fewer full page ads in the trades begging Academy members for nominations. As if these work. My favorite was a few years ago. A full page ad in both Variety and Hollywood Reporter. "For your consideration for BEST ACTOR: DeForrest Kelley, Doc, STAR TREK:THE WRATH OF KAHN".
Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"
As usual I never watch a second of Joan and Melissa Rivers, the Jewish answer to trailer trash.
Angelina Jolie was resplendent in her elegant gown and tattoos.
Yes, Catherine Zeta-Jones looked spectacular but mark my words, she's only three years away from Haddassah arms.
Samantha Morton wore a MacArthur Park dress....it looked like the cake that was left out in the rain.
I'm sorry the Giant Eye from LORD OF THE RINGS didn't win best supporting actor. The horse from SEABISCUIT wasn't even nominated but did land the starring role in the great new Fox pilot, MR. ED.
Billy Crystal hosted again in a desperate attempt to make us all think he still has a feature career.
Jon Stewart, who has as much of a feature career, should be the emcee.
Crystal did a nice job however although his song parodies stopped being funny and fresh six Oscarcasts ago. It's been three years since he last hosted. He couldn't come up with something new in three years? Again, it's not like he's been off making movies.
Why are the Academy Awards classier than the Golden Globes? Sean Connery gives the welcome speech for the Oscars and someone like Rob Schneider does the honor for the Globes.
Since I'm tired of not being nominated I am writing and producing the can't-miss Oscar candidate for next year. Done in the Pixar style, Tim Robbins and Judi Dench play two retards in Middle Earth, directed by Clint Eastwood. Sweeping battle scenes and a dreary Sting song. And Rene Zellwegger as their best friend, "Squint". Total running time: 5 hours 32 minutes.
Has there ever been an Oscar show with LESS suspense??? I found myself rooting for movies I hated just to see an upset.
The set looked like a giant waffle iron.
Congratulations to Tim Robbins. Glad that he won on ABC, the same network that once fired him from the SHAPING UP sitcom pilot.
Rene Zellwegger is the Academy's new darling. She can do accents and never has dated Billy Bob Thornton.
I love how they showed Nichole Kidman when Rene thanked Tom Cruise. Meow.
The Bob Hope tribute was nice. Now that Tom Hanks has starred in and produced movies about World War II he is the Hollywood representative when it comes to the Army (which is why he introduced the Hope tribute I suppose). I remember when that representative used to be an actor who had actually served in the military.
I see the hip hop revolution lasted all of one year. Even Roberto Bernigni lasted two.
Liv Tyler's hair off to one side was interesting. Who was her designer, Picasso?
I'm still humming that catchy COLD MOUNTAIN theme.
After seeing Johnny Depp's haircut I now know why he wore a hat to the Golden Globes. Is he joining Flock of Seagulls?
My son was surprised the winners for the tech awards didn't have pocket protectors in their tuxedos.
Designer Vera Wang wore a dead raccoon. Which looked good on her, by the way.
Every time I hear Jim Carrey being introduced at one of these events I positively cringe. He is unfunny on a par with Whoopi Goldberg and Joe Lieberman.
I enjoyed the Blake Edwards salute. Nice to see a comedy director honored...even if he did ROUGH CUT, SWITCH, BLIND DATE, A FINE MESS, and S.O.B.
Scarlett Johansson wore the mermaid costume from SPLASH but it still looked fabulous on her.
LORD OF THE RINGS might have won 11 Oscars but MASTER & COMMANDER got the big one -- Sound Editing. Expect a big spike in boxoffice receipts this weekend.
The following women looked beautiful: Diane Lane, Jennifer Garner, Holly Hunter (boy, she didn't look that good at my friend's briss), Naomi Watts, and Susan Sarandon (whose push up bra served as her dress).
Can't say the same for Diane Keaton. What was with the Annie Hall look? She makes a movie celebrating her age then dresses like she did 28 years ago. And looked ridiculous in that outfit THEN.
I hope Alec Baldwin has better luck with his custody battle than he did with the Oscars. Remember when he used to be such a catch? Tonight his companion was one of his brothers, either Billy or Fredo, I don't know them well enough.
Catch phrase of the year: "this was an incredible JOURNEY". No movie was a production, it was a "journey". No one had careers. They were all on "journeys". I'm hoping next year the catch phrase will be "What's Up, Hollywood, what's up? Jump on it! Jump on it!"
No nomination for Russell Crowe this year. Guess he has now slept with and dumped every female member of the Academy.
Was Charlize Theron Jean Harlow or what?
No ribbons this go-round. Causes must be so last year.
Director Peter Jackson looked like Rupert on SURVIVOR. They don't have combs in New Zealand? I pity the poor After-Oscar Party that has a buffet.
Lovely tribute for Kate Hepburn delivered by today's equivalent in talent and stature, Julia Roberts. Seeing that montage you had to marvel. Kate Hepburn had a 70 year career and never once had to do a TV series.
Annie Lennox looked like Peter Pan in drag.
How could LORD OF THE RINGS win for best editing when the movie was 3:30 long? What did they possibly leave out???
Thank God for Eugene Levy and Catherine O'Hara. I thought the catagory was "Best Original Song" not "Best Original Dirge".
Only surprise: Brian Helgeland didn't win for writing MYSTIC RIVER. He lost out to a movie where a character named Smiegel says "my preciousssssss" forty thousand times.
I was very happy for Sofia Coppola winning the "Best Original Screenplay" award. Just compare LOST IN TRANSLATION with the bogus SOMETHING'S GOTTA GIVE which explored the same subject matter in a superficial Hollywood way and you appreciate why Sofia won. She featured real people wrestling with real emotions. It's always nice when a fluke wins.
How come Katherine Hepburn got a longer tribute than Gregory Peck? Not that I'm counting lines.
Odd that they gave out the "Best Director" award before the "Best Actor and Actress".
I can't comment on most of the speeches. I Tivoed past them. What does it say when I Tivo through the show but stop at the ABC Natalie Wood biopic promo?
Charlize Theron thanked her mom but not her dad. There's a good reason for this. Her mom shot and killed her dad, who apparently was abusive. (True story) I find it annoying that the announcer spews meaningless Oscar statistics while the winners are walking up to the stage. Wouldn't you love to hear: "Charlize Theron is the first Oscar winner whose mother shot her father"?
Last year Nicole Kidman won for Best Actress with a big nose attached to her face. This year it's Charlize Theron made to look like a skanky whore. How Hollywood is that? Instead of hiring actresses who really are plain or ugly they would rather hire actresses who are gorgeous and load them with make up.
Sean Penn finally won his Oscar. After playing the same meltdown scene in seventeen previous movies they finally gave him one to make him stop.
Bill Murray should have won. It was his best performance since MEATBALLS.
Hope you didn't have any money down on SEABISCUIT.
Until next year, when I'm again at my computer instead of an Oscar party.....
See you at the movies...or at least the video store.
Ken Levine
Thursday, March 02, 2006
He's not always a genius
This town is really getting swept up in Oscar Fever. And by this town I mean Wailea, Maui. I’m on vacation. But in anticipation of the big show here’s something I needed to get off my chest.
Ang Lee certainly deserves his directing nomination for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. But I still have to scratch my head. This is the same guy who directed THE HULK people! To refresh your memory, here was my review of that film when it came out.
*****
I made the mistake of seeing THE HULK today. Is it possible that the same guy who directed CROUCHING TIGER and ICE STORM made this steaming pile?? Maybe the worst movie since FREDDY GOT FINGERED. No, it WAS worse. An absolute career ender for all involved.
Jennifer Connelly should give back her Oscar (well, she should anyway).
Nick Nolte was so over-the-top that Bruce Dern in his most crazed "can we kill her now, daddy, can we, can we?" phase was reserved. And he looked better in his mug shot.
Sam Elliott remains the worst American actor since Neil Diamond.
And as for the Hulk itself, I never thought I'd say it but I missed Lou Ferrigno.
The artsy-fartsy scene transitions made the movie look like a Bar Mitzvah video. And it was so relentlessly disjointed, derivative, and stupid that by the end the audience was turning green.
And dialogue? Not to "spoil" anything, but after a twenty minute sequence of the Hulk bouncing from the Grand Canyon to San Francisco pursued by strafing F-16's and helicopters, then a chase sequence through downtown SF resulting in major havoc and a thousand army vehicles -- he finally reverts back to his human self when he reunites with Jennifer Connelly and says with childlike wonder "You found me." Yeah. Amazing. Thank God she had ON STAR.
His mother has a death scene by the way,that Lillian Gish would find too mawkish.
From Stan Lee to Ang Lee this was an unmitigated disaster. I should've seen KELLY & JUSTIN instead.
******
Guess I was wrong about the “career ending” prediction, huh?
Aloha.
Ang Lee certainly deserves his directing nomination for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. But I still have to scratch my head. This is the same guy who directed THE HULK people! To refresh your memory, here was my review of that film when it came out.
*****
I made the mistake of seeing THE HULK today. Is it possible that the same guy who directed CROUCHING TIGER and ICE STORM made this steaming pile?? Maybe the worst movie since FREDDY GOT FINGERED. No, it WAS worse. An absolute career ender for all involved.
Jennifer Connelly should give back her Oscar (well, she should anyway).
Nick Nolte was so over-the-top that Bruce Dern in his most crazed "can we kill her now, daddy, can we, can we?" phase was reserved. And he looked better in his mug shot.
Sam Elliott remains the worst American actor since Neil Diamond.
And as for the Hulk itself, I never thought I'd say it but I missed Lou Ferrigno.
The artsy-fartsy scene transitions made the movie look like a Bar Mitzvah video. And it was so relentlessly disjointed, derivative, and stupid that by the end the audience was turning green.
And dialogue? Not to "spoil" anything, but after a twenty minute sequence of the Hulk bouncing from the Grand Canyon to San Francisco pursued by strafing F-16's and helicopters, then a chase sequence through downtown SF resulting in major havoc and a thousand army vehicles -- he finally reverts back to his human self when he reunites with Jennifer Connelly and says with childlike wonder "You found me." Yeah. Amazing. Thank God she had ON STAR.
His mother has a death scene by the way,that Lillian Gish would find too mawkish.
From Stan Lee to Ang Lee this was an unmitigated disaster. I should've seen KELLY & JUSTIN instead.
******
Guess I was wrong about the “career ending” prediction, huh?
Aloha.
Wednesday, March 01, 2006
M*A*S*H N*O*T*E*S
For those who wanted more MASH stories here’s a good one.
When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.
But….
Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.
This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made a one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.
The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.
This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.
If only we could do that today with networks and studios.
When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.
But….
Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.
This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made a one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.
The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.
This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.
If only we could do that today with networks and studios.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Stabbing the frog
Thanks again to everyone who logged in yesterday. I’m blown away by the response and the very generous comments. Wow. I’m proud to know me. In the days ahead I will try to get to all of your questions.
First one up -- Jason Looney wondered how we analyze jokes, know when they’re bad, etc.?
The truth is we try NOT to analyze them. We have an expression – “Stabbing the frog”. Remember 10th grade science class? You’d have this cute little frog bouncing around. Then you’d stab him, dissect him, and uncover all the secrets of what makes a frog. Only problem is – the cute little guy is now dead.
Same with comedy. In a writers’ room someone will pitch a joke. We’ll all laugh. Then someone will pick it apart. Someone else will want to change a word. A discussion might ensue. Variations proposed until finally no one can remember what the hell was funny in the first place. So when a staffer starts that, another might yell out “You’re stabbing the frog!” Generally, when someone pitches a line and everyone laughs, just put it in the script like that.
Don’t stab the frog … unless it’s Michigan J.
I personally don’t believe you can analyze comedy. I know there are theories. Absurdity plus irony…or tragedy plus time…or cowboys plus beans. But it all seems ridiculous.
How do you know when a joke will work? Instinct, experience, a keenly honed sense of humor – and then you’re still wrong half the time. That’s one of the reasons why it’s good to have a partner or be in a room with other writers – feedback from people you trust is very valuable.
And there’s a reason you have table readings, runthroughs, test screenings, preview audiences. The only accurate judge of whether something’s funny is an audience.
The tough part for a writer is to be objective. During runthroughs it’s tempting to laugh. You have a stake in the material. Either you wrote it or you know that changing it will mean extra work. You have to be ruthless, leave your ego at the door, and not have tickets to the McCartney concert.
And yet it still amazes me. You’ll have a script that goes through the roof. Next week’s table reading – a steaming turd. Same geniuses that wrote last week’s show. What happened? How did we suddenly become collectively stupid?
Ultimately, you have to do what makes you laugh and hope that others will laugh as well. The scariest script my partner, David and I ever wrote was the “Bar Wars” episode of CHEERS. It was the end of a season, they needed one more script, we banged it out quickly, and turned it in. The next day a Writers Guild strike erupted unexpectedly. Shows were allowed to shoot existing scripts but not rewrite. So they filmed our first draft, word for word. We had no chance to revise it, punch up jokes that didn’t work, make trims, etc. Needless to say, the night of the filming was terrifying. It was here we were going to be exposed as frauds. Fortunately, the show went well (although there were still plenty of little things I would have improved). I was never more relieved in my life. Because if it hadn’t gone well, I was the frog that was going to get stabbed that night.
First one up -- Jason Looney wondered how we analyze jokes, know when they’re bad, etc.?
The truth is we try NOT to analyze them. We have an expression – “Stabbing the frog”. Remember 10th grade science class? You’d have this cute little frog bouncing around. Then you’d stab him, dissect him, and uncover all the secrets of what makes a frog. Only problem is – the cute little guy is now dead.
Same with comedy. In a writers’ room someone will pitch a joke. We’ll all laugh. Then someone will pick it apart. Someone else will want to change a word. A discussion might ensue. Variations proposed until finally no one can remember what the hell was funny in the first place. So when a staffer starts that, another might yell out “You’re stabbing the frog!” Generally, when someone pitches a line and everyone laughs, just put it in the script like that.
Don’t stab the frog … unless it’s Michigan J.
I personally don’t believe you can analyze comedy. I know there are theories. Absurdity plus irony…or tragedy plus time…or cowboys plus beans. But it all seems ridiculous.
How do you know when a joke will work? Instinct, experience, a keenly honed sense of humor – and then you’re still wrong half the time. That’s one of the reasons why it’s good to have a partner or be in a room with other writers – feedback from people you trust is very valuable.
And there’s a reason you have table readings, runthroughs, test screenings, preview audiences. The only accurate judge of whether something’s funny is an audience.
The tough part for a writer is to be objective. During runthroughs it’s tempting to laugh. You have a stake in the material. Either you wrote it or you know that changing it will mean extra work. You have to be ruthless, leave your ego at the door, and not have tickets to the McCartney concert.
And yet it still amazes me. You’ll have a script that goes through the roof. Next week’s table reading – a steaming turd. Same geniuses that wrote last week’s show. What happened? How did we suddenly become collectively stupid?
Ultimately, you have to do what makes you laugh and hope that others will laugh as well. The scariest script my partner, David and I ever wrote was the “Bar Wars” episode of CHEERS. It was the end of a season, they needed one more script, we banged it out quickly, and turned it in. The next day a Writers Guild strike erupted unexpectedly. Shows were allowed to shoot existing scripts but not rewrite. So they filmed our first draft, word for word. We had no chance to revise it, punch up jokes that didn’t work, make trims, etc. Needless to say, the night of the filming was terrifying. It was here we were going to be exposed as frauds. Fortunately, the show went well (although there were still plenty of little things I would have improved). I was never more relieved in my life. Because if it hadn’t gone well, I was the frog that was going to get stabbed that night.
Monday, February 27, 2006
My 100th post
This is my 100th post. Alas, no big tribute issues in the trades. No lovely full page congratulatory ads from my dear friends at the agencies I’ve fired. No pictures of me with Brian Grazer. No fruit baskets. Not even one with Triscuits (the cracker of faint praise).
Fortunately, maintaining this blog has been its own reward. And it does satisfy a goal of mine – to throw my full time and effort into projects that will never pay me a dime. And by the way, that play and musical I’m working on are coming along great too.
When I began this blog I decided I should post every day. All the better to build an audience. My fear was that I’d run out of ideas (which did happen around #67 but I’ve been posting every day anyway). Frankly, I’ve been amazed by the number of people who have found this site and where they’re from. All over the world. Can people in Finland and Reykjavk, Gullbringusysla (wherever that is) really care about Porn Star Karaoke or who I feel should be voted off AMERICAN IDOL? (Brenna!!!!) And I get quite a few hits from “unknown country”. I guess that means the gang from LOST checks in from the hatch.
Folks seem to like when I offer writing tips, which is great because I love to do it. All I ask in return is that you make it and provide me with some laughs sometime down the line.
Thanks to Howard, Mike, Lee, MK, T. Whore, Alex, Matt, and everyone else who has helped me launch this folly. Hopefully the next hundred posts will be, if not as good, at least as often.
Following the Oscars on Sunday night I will file my 9th annual bitchy review. The fact that I’ve never been nominated, even for MANNEQUIN II will have no effect on my objectivity. Although, even I were nominated and won I’d still slam Debbie Allen.
****
But now I have a request. I would like YOU to write. Just a quick comment – who you are, where you’re writing from, what you like, what you don’t, etc. You can say anything…except please read my script. And wait until you READ what I say about BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN before you call me homophobic.
Thanks much. In the meantime I remain...
Never standing down from my comedy watch….
Ken
Fortunately, maintaining this blog has been its own reward. And it does satisfy a goal of mine – to throw my full time and effort into projects that will never pay me a dime. And by the way, that play and musical I’m working on are coming along great too.
When I began this blog I decided I should post every day. All the better to build an audience. My fear was that I’d run out of ideas (which did happen around #67 but I’ve been posting every day anyway). Frankly, I’ve been amazed by the number of people who have found this site and where they’re from. All over the world. Can people in Finland and Reykjavk, Gullbringusysla (wherever that is) really care about Porn Star Karaoke or who I feel should be voted off AMERICAN IDOL? (Brenna!!!!) And I get quite a few hits from “unknown country”. I guess that means the gang from LOST checks in from the hatch.
Folks seem to like when I offer writing tips, which is great because I love to do it. All I ask in return is that you make it and provide me with some laughs sometime down the line.
Thanks to Howard, Mike, Lee, MK, T. Whore, Alex, Matt, and everyone else who has helped me launch this folly. Hopefully the next hundred posts will be, if not as good, at least as often.
Following the Oscars on Sunday night I will file my 9th annual bitchy review. The fact that I’ve never been nominated, even for MANNEQUIN II will have no effect on my objectivity. Although, even I were nominated and won I’d still slam Debbie Allen.
****
But now I have a request. I would like YOU to write. Just a quick comment – who you are, where you’re writing from, what you like, what you don’t, etc. You can say anything…except please read my script. And wait until you READ what I say about BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN before you call me homophobic.
Thanks much. In the meantime I remain...
Never standing down from my comedy watch….
Ken
Sunday, February 26, 2006
American Idle
I admit it unashamedly – I love AMERICAN IDOL. Like most people, I do postgame recaps with friends. Unlike most people, I have a blog so I can spew my demented opinions worldwide. As the musical thinning of the herd continues here are my thoughts:
I was so glad opera girl got the boot…although it would have been fun to hear her perform on Hip Hop night.
And bye bye to Bobby Bennett. I didn’t mind so much that he looked like a Little Richard Macy’s Day Parade balloon. It’s that he sang a Barry Manilow song…by CHOICE.
Sorry to see Becky go. Yeah, she couldn’t sing. But God was she hot. And she has a twin sister so there’s that fantasy.
Every year there seems to be one Sinatra wannabe and he’s always fifteen. Sinatra as a virgin doesn’t work. By the time the real Sinatra was fifteen he had probably already done Peggy Lee. You need that to sing “Summer Wind”.
Same for little Kevin. He sort of reminds me of “Jack” from the Jack in the Box commercials. Or Chicken Little from the recent Disney film. I like him, he can sing. But I just picture his mother standing off stage, fixing his collar, rebuttoning his shirt.
The Vin Diesel guy is a one-trick pony. But then again, so is the real Vin Diesel.
I LOVE Lisa Tucker. Absolute superstar potential. If she’s this amazing at sixteen, watch out. By the time she’s out of the business at twenty-two she’s going to be a legend.
Ditto for little Paris Bennett (hopefully no relation to Bobby “Lounge Lizard” Bennett). Such poise, charisma, and talent. This Cosby kid could go all the way.
Simon thinks Elliott Yamin is the best male vocalist since the series began. If only he didn’t look like the kid who lived under the sink in his house until he was twenty because he felt more “comfortable” there.
I DESPISE Brenna. There’s “sass” and there’s obnoxious insufferable nails-on-a-blackboard shrew. I thought the “Hello gorgeous” Barbra Streisand mimic trollop from last season was annoying but she was Miss Congeniality compared to this relentless car alarm.
Is Ace Young gay? I say he makes it to the final four if he’s not, the final two if he is.
If I press my Tivo “skip” button twice I can bypass Randy’s comments completely. Once for Paula’s.
I hate when anyone sings a Disney song. Please, no more MULAN. Ever!
Best actual singer: Katharine McPhee. Her version of “Since I Fell For You” was spectacular. But Katharine, Barbra Streisand didn’t make that a hit. Lenny Welch did.
Best name ever on AMERICAN IDOL: Kellie Pickler. Although I’m getting a little tired of her crying each week ‘cause her daddy is in prison. Trust me Kellie, your life would be a whole lot worse if he were out. Be thankful that cellmate “Spike” has the role that would have been reserved for you.
I like Mandisa. She’s following in the rather lengthy shadow of Aretha Franklin.
Heather and Kinnik should call Jet Blue and have their reservations ready for Friday morning.
If it doesn’t work out for “Sway” on AMERICAN IDOL there’s always a spot for him as gang member #4 on THE SHIELD.
Gideon with that big shit-eatin’ grin looks like Chief Wahoo, the Cleveland Indians cartoon mascot.
Notice how Randy calls every girl “man”? Press that Tivo button.
Aren’t you secretly rooting for Ayla Brown to get voted off just to see the look on her face? As Ryan gently has to escort her off stage: “What?! Me?! How can that be? I’m student body president. I’m captain of the basketball team. Take your hands off me, you dwarf. I’m a prom queen. My daddy’s a senator. He’s going to get you all. You just wait and see. Have you ever been audited? You’ll be sorry…”
And finally, there’s Taylor Hicks. How can this guy be 29? He looks older than half the members of the WGA who can no longer get work. And his one talent – having seizures – also suggests someone a little long in the tooth. That said, I hope he stays in the competition. Seeing him will remind me every week to tape HOUSE.
Bring back Becky!!
I was so glad opera girl got the boot…although it would have been fun to hear her perform on Hip Hop night.
And bye bye to Bobby Bennett. I didn’t mind so much that he looked like a Little Richard Macy’s Day Parade balloon. It’s that he sang a Barry Manilow song…by CHOICE.
Sorry to see Becky go. Yeah, she couldn’t sing. But God was she hot. And she has a twin sister so there’s that fantasy.
Every year there seems to be one Sinatra wannabe and he’s always fifteen. Sinatra as a virgin doesn’t work. By the time the real Sinatra was fifteen he had probably already done Peggy Lee. You need that to sing “Summer Wind”.
Same for little Kevin. He sort of reminds me of “Jack” from the Jack in the Box commercials. Or Chicken Little from the recent Disney film. I like him, he can sing. But I just picture his mother standing off stage, fixing his collar, rebuttoning his shirt.
The Vin Diesel guy is a one-trick pony. But then again, so is the real Vin Diesel.
I LOVE Lisa Tucker. Absolute superstar potential. If she’s this amazing at sixteen, watch out. By the time she’s out of the business at twenty-two she’s going to be a legend.
Ditto for little Paris Bennett (hopefully no relation to Bobby “Lounge Lizard” Bennett). Such poise, charisma, and talent. This Cosby kid could go all the way.
Simon thinks Elliott Yamin is the best male vocalist since the series began. If only he didn’t look like the kid who lived under the sink in his house until he was twenty because he felt more “comfortable” there.
I DESPISE Brenna. There’s “sass” and there’s obnoxious insufferable nails-on-a-blackboard shrew. I thought the “Hello gorgeous” Barbra Streisand mimic trollop from last season was annoying but she was Miss Congeniality compared to this relentless car alarm.
Is Ace Young gay? I say he makes it to the final four if he’s not, the final two if he is.
If I press my Tivo “skip” button twice I can bypass Randy’s comments completely. Once for Paula’s.
I hate when anyone sings a Disney song. Please, no more MULAN. Ever!
Best actual singer: Katharine McPhee. Her version of “Since I Fell For You” was spectacular. But Katharine, Barbra Streisand didn’t make that a hit. Lenny Welch did.
Best name ever on AMERICAN IDOL: Kellie Pickler. Although I’m getting a little tired of her crying each week ‘cause her daddy is in prison. Trust me Kellie, your life would be a whole lot worse if he were out. Be thankful that cellmate “Spike” has the role that would have been reserved for you.
I like Mandisa. She’s following in the rather lengthy shadow of Aretha Franklin.
Heather and Kinnik should call Jet Blue and have their reservations ready for Friday morning.
If it doesn’t work out for “Sway” on AMERICAN IDOL there’s always a spot for him as gang member #4 on THE SHIELD.
Gideon with that big shit-eatin’ grin looks like Chief Wahoo, the Cleveland Indians cartoon mascot.
Notice how Randy calls every girl “man”? Press that Tivo button.
Aren’t you secretly rooting for Ayla Brown to get voted off just to see the look on her face? As Ryan gently has to escort her off stage: “What?! Me?! How can that be? I’m student body president. I’m captain of the basketball team. Take your hands off me, you dwarf. I’m a prom queen. My daddy’s a senator. He’s going to get you all. You just wait and see. Have you ever been audited? You’ll be sorry…”
And finally, there’s Taylor Hicks. How can this guy be 29? He looks older than half the members of the WGA who can no longer get work. And his one talent – having seizures – also suggests someone a little long in the tooth. That said, I hope he stays in the competition. Seeing him will remind me every week to tape HOUSE.
Bring back Becky!!
Writing job opening
Mike McVay, one of truly great guys of radio, asked me if I knew anyone who might be good for this job. I said, “can I post it?” He said “sure”. So what follows is the info. If this is something you might be interested in, best of luck.
****
RADIO WRITER (FT)
TESHMEDIA
Full time radio writer needed. This is NOT a comedy writing position. Need a person who has written long-form radio programs before - countdowns, lifestyle shows, etc. If you are looking for on-air work DO NOT APPLY. We are looking for an individual who loves radio and wants to create something unique. We are the fastest growing nationally syndicated radio show in America. Position would include script writing and editing, topic research, and staff management. This is NOT an entry level position. Must have a writing sample specifically for radio. Must be highly organized. This is a great opportunity for someone with a strong work ethic. Fun, small office, fast paced environment, benefits, and the joy of hearing your hard work on the air included. Knowledge of Prophet and ProTools a plus. Position open to So Cal locals only. No attachments, paste resume into email.
Betsy Chase 13245 Riverside Dr. Suite #305, Sherman Oaks, CA 91423 FAX: 818-906-8374 EMAIL: bcinla@gmail.com
****
RADIO WRITER (FT)
TESHMEDIA
Full time radio writer needed. This is NOT a comedy writing position. Need a person who has written long-form radio programs before - countdowns, lifestyle shows, etc. If you are looking for on-air work DO NOT APPLY. We are looking for an individual who loves radio and wants to create something unique. We are the fastest growing nationally syndicated radio show in America. Position would include script writing and editing, topic research, and staff management. This is NOT an entry level position. Must have a writing sample specifically for radio. Must be highly organized. This is a great opportunity for someone with a strong work ethic. Fun, small office, fast paced environment, benefits, and the joy of hearing your hard work on the air included. Knowledge of Prophet and ProTools a plus. Position open to So Cal locals only. No attachments, paste resume into email.
Betsy Chase 13245 Riverside Dr. Suite #305, Sherman Oaks, CA 91423 FAX: 818-906-8374 EMAIL: bcinla@gmail.com
Saturday, February 25, 2006
The last GINA (I promise)
After this you have to see the movie. (Actually, after this someone has to buy the movie). Thanks again for your very enthusiastic response. Short of a sale that’s the best I could hope for.
Okay, setting the scene: Late in the picture. Late night in Paris. Hank and Gina have been chased, shot at, and find themselves in:
******
EXT. RUE SAINT DENIS – NIGHT
The shady Red Light district of Paris. PROSTITUTES work the street, taking their customers up to seedy apartments, or MINIVANS that are parked along an alley. The scene is rich with smoke, hookers, lonely men, and bouncing SUV's.
Hank and Gina emerge from the Metro Station. The sleeve of his shirt has been ripped and now serves as a bandage.
A DRUNK (American) approaches Gina.
DRUNK
Hi there. Where you gonna be later?
HANK
She's not a whore, buddy!
DRUNK
Hey, I don't give a shit. For your hour she can be Mandy Moore.
HANK
I mean it. She's not a whore! And I'm sick and tired of every jerk just thinking she is!
DRUNK
Screw you!
The drunk hauls off and slugs Hank in the kisser. He goes down like a sack of potatoes. The drunk moves off and Gina crouches down to Hank who now has a pretty good shiner.
GINA
Wow. "My hero." You okay?
HANK
Oh yeah. (takes out pad) I now have a whole section for injuries.
GINA
(touched)
That was incredibly cool. No one's ever done that for me before.
HANK
It'll be some time before I do it again.
This would be a lovely moment if it didn't start to rain.
HANK
Oh for crying out loud! Again? What is it with this darn town? We might as well be in Tacoma.
She helps him to his feet. The rain comes down harder.
GINA
C'mon. Let's get a room for the night.
HANK
How? You have no purse and I'm dead broke.
GINA
Y'know, if Audrey Hepburn were here right now I bet she'd take your hand, look deep into your eyes, and say... MOTHER FUCKER!!
INT. METRO STATION – CONTINUOUS
Along with a few others seeking shelter they enter the station, now soaking wet.
HANK
It just occurred to me. What happens if you're agoraphobic and homeless?
GINA
For you to even think of that tells me you are incredibly deep. And more important, you need to masturbate way more than you do.
They wander through a somewhat dank tunnel. A number of HOMELESS PEOPLE are there, curled up for the night.
GINA
Well? Shall we?
HANK
Here?
GINA
Why not?
HANK
This is like the cast of "Les Miserables".
GINA
Lighten up. These are my "homies", my "peeps". And you're here so chances are they won't rape me.
They sit down along the wall, joining the others. Hank is very uneasy. A FRENCH HOMELESS MAN near him eyes him angrily. Hank half smiles and tries to be friendly.
HANK
Hi. How are ya? Seen the new Rothko exhibit at the Lourve? (man just glares) O-kay. You have a super night now.
Gina spots her disheveled self in the glass reflection of the billboard across the way and GASPS.
HANK
What?
GINA
Me! Holy shit! Is that how I look?
HANK
You look beautiful.
GINA
I look like Alanis Morissette.
HANK
No you don't. There is nothing in this world I would rather look at than you.
GINA
You really mean that, don't you?
HANK
Yes.
Gina is truly moved. They look at each other and something happens. They may not be willing to admit it just yet, but there within the bowels of Paris they fall in love.
They kiss, a long kiss filled with passion and genuine affection.
FRENCH HOMELESS MAN
My ass in the middle!
HANK
(breaking it off)
Right. Okay. Sorry. It's just that you have such a romantic city here that it's hard not to get swept up in the uh...amour of it all. (off his glare) What did we ever do to you other than save your ass in the war?
GINA
Hank! Let's just get some sleep, alrighty?
HANK
(cooling off)
Yeah...sure. (then) Y'know the Krauts were so confident they made hotel reservations.
GINA
We can talk about it in the morning, Snookems.
She snuggles into his shoulder, makes herself comfy. He closes his eyes and quickly drifts off to sleep. There's a look of total contentment on his face.
Gina, however, registers an expression of regret and sadness.
HOMELESS MAN
Why so sad?
GINA
(with heavy heart)
There is no way he'll ever marry me.
Okay, setting the scene: Late in the picture. Late night in Paris. Hank and Gina have been chased, shot at, and find themselves in:
******
EXT. RUE SAINT DENIS – NIGHT
The shady Red Light district of Paris. PROSTITUTES work the street, taking their customers up to seedy apartments, or MINIVANS that are parked along an alley. The scene is rich with smoke, hookers, lonely men, and bouncing SUV's.
Hank and Gina emerge from the Metro Station. The sleeve of his shirt has been ripped and now serves as a bandage.
A DRUNK (American) approaches Gina.
DRUNK
Hi there. Where you gonna be later?
HANK
She's not a whore, buddy!
DRUNK
Hey, I don't give a shit. For your hour she can be Mandy Moore.
HANK
I mean it. She's not a whore! And I'm sick and tired of every jerk just thinking she is!
DRUNK
Screw you!
The drunk hauls off and slugs Hank in the kisser. He goes down like a sack of potatoes. The drunk moves off and Gina crouches down to Hank who now has a pretty good shiner.
GINA
Wow. "My hero." You okay?
HANK
Oh yeah. (takes out pad) I now have a whole section for injuries.
GINA
(touched)
That was incredibly cool. No one's ever done that for me before.
HANK
It'll be some time before I do it again.
This would be a lovely moment if it didn't start to rain.
HANK
Oh for crying out loud! Again? What is it with this darn town? We might as well be in Tacoma.
She helps him to his feet. The rain comes down harder.
GINA
C'mon. Let's get a room for the night.
HANK
How? You have no purse and I'm dead broke.
GINA
Y'know, if Audrey Hepburn were here right now I bet she'd take your hand, look deep into your eyes, and say... MOTHER FUCKER!!
INT. METRO STATION – CONTINUOUS
Along with a few others seeking shelter they enter the station, now soaking wet.
HANK
It just occurred to me. What happens if you're agoraphobic and homeless?
GINA
For you to even think of that tells me you are incredibly deep. And more important, you need to masturbate way more than you do.
They wander through a somewhat dank tunnel. A number of HOMELESS PEOPLE are there, curled up for the night.
GINA
Well? Shall we?
HANK
Here?
GINA
Why not?
HANK
This is like the cast of "Les Miserables".
GINA
Lighten up. These are my "homies", my "peeps". And you're here so chances are they won't rape me.
They sit down along the wall, joining the others. Hank is very uneasy. A FRENCH HOMELESS MAN near him eyes him angrily. Hank half smiles and tries to be friendly.
HANK
Hi. How are ya? Seen the new Rothko exhibit at the Lourve? (man just glares) O-kay. You have a super night now.
Gina spots her disheveled self in the glass reflection of the billboard across the way and GASPS.
HANK
What?
GINA
Me! Holy shit! Is that how I look?
HANK
You look beautiful.
GINA
I look like Alanis Morissette.
HANK
No you don't. There is nothing in this world I would rather look at than you.
GINA
You really mean that, don't you?
HANK
Yes.
Gina is truly moved. They look at each other and something happens. They may not be willing to admit it just yet, but there within the bowels of Paris they fall in love.
They kiss, a long kiss filled with passion and genuine affection.
FRENCH HOMELESS MAN
My ass in the middle!
HANK
(breaking it off)
Right. Okay. Sorry. It's just that you have such a romantic city here that it's hard not to get swept up in the uh...amour of it all. (off his glare) What did we ever do to you other than save your ass in the war?
GINA
Hank! Let's just get some sleep, alrighty?
HANK
(cooling off)
Yeah...sure. (then) Y'know the Krauts were so confident they made hotel reservations.
GINA
We can talk about it in the morning, Snookems.
She snuggles into his shoulder, makes herself comfy. He closes his eyes and quickly drifts off to sleep. There's a look of total contentment on his face.
Gina, however, registers an expression of regret and sadness.
HOMELESS MAN
Why so sad?
GINA
(with heavy heart)
There is no way he'll ever marry me.
Friday, February 24, 2006
A GINA weekend
Because of popular demand and a chance for me to take a break, it’s a “Gina weekend”. Today, boys and girls, it’s the scene where agoraphobic anal obsessive Hank (who can only eat the blandest foods and is allergic to everything including smoke) meets Gina for the first time. His friend Richie has arranged the dream date and is walking him to her door. Note: The goal here was to make Gina as SHOCKING as humanly possible. I wanted Hank’s head to explode. She needed to be the absolute opposite of everything he had always envisioned. So again, a hard R rating. But hopefully amusing.
******
INT. HALLYWAY/GINA'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
They enter from the stairwell. Both are out of breath.
HANK
I'm here. I made it.
RICKY
You going to be okay?
HANK
Yes. Wow. For me to actually do this... Gina must truly be that one special person in my life.
RICKY
Congratulations. May she be as sweet and perfect as you imagine.
Ricky shakes his hand, hands him the flowers, and heads for the elevator. Hank crosses to her door. Ricky gives him one last thumbs-up as the elevator doors CLOSE. Hank takes one more deep breath then KNOCKS.
GINA (O.S.)
Coming.
Gina opens the door. And she's even more adorable and radiant than he had imagined. Even though she's just dressed casual. T-shirt, jeans, sweater around her neck.
GINA
Hi. Give me a second. I've just got to take this tampon out of my snapper.
HANK
What?
GINA
Come on in. You want a cigar?
HANK
(stunned)
Huh? No. No thank you.
He begins coughing.
GINA
Be right back.
Hank is completely thrown. He cautiously enters. She crosses to the bathroom passing a MACAW in a cage.
MACAW
You're a whore!
GINA
Shut the fuck up. (to Hank) He picks up little phrases he hears over and over.
She exits into the bathroom. Hank is beside himself.
HANK
You've been called a whore over and over?
GINA (O.S.)
Ah, much better. Baby can breathe.
He looks around. What the hell is happening here? She re-enters.
GINA
You don't get much sun, do ya? What was your name again? Casper?
HANK
Uh, no. Hank. Hank Niehaus.
GINA
(shaking hands)
Gina Trammell. Nice to meet you, Casper. (then) Are you shaking?
HANK
(covering)
No no. Just a little...chilly.
Gina takes a flask out of her purse.
GINA
You want a good stiff belt?
HANK
(completely flustered)
No, I uh don't drink.
GINA
(offering flask to bird)
You?
MACAW
Tampon in my snapper!
She laughs, takes a swig, then takes a big puff of the cigar that's on the coffee table. Hank coughs.
GINA
God, I love to suck Cubans.
Hank starts to slowly back towards the door.
MACAW
You're a whore!
GINA
Shut up! You're not my mom! (then) So, what's the plan? Dinner or a drink?
HANK
Well, I was thinking dinner, but a drink -- a really really fast drink is fine.
GINA
(considering)
Nah, let's eat. I had dinner but I could go again. Excuse me.
She crosses to the bathroom again. A beat then WE HEAR HER THROW UP. Hank wants out of there soooo bad.
MACAW
I left my wife for you!
An awkward silence then Gina, fully composed, re-enters.
GINA
Okay, so where to?
HANK
Well, I uh, er, made reservations at Burkhardts across the street. They supposedly make a wonderful chicken.
GINA
Oh, that place. Maybe in fifty years when we've both got walkers and are wearing diapers.
HANK
Then uh, well, where would you like to eat?
GINA
I dunno. Maybe Ghanian.
Hank hides his horror.
******
INT. HALLYWAY/GINA'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
They enter from the stairwell. Both are out of breath.
HANK
I'm here. I made it.
RICKY
You going to be okay?
HANK
Yes. Wow. For me to actually do this... Gina must truly be that one special person in my life.
RICKY
Congratulations. May she be as sweet and perfect as you imagine.
Ricky shakes his hand, hands him the flowers, and heads for the elevator. Hank crosses to her door. Ricky gives him one last thumbs-up as the elevator doors CLOSE. Hank takes one more deep breath then KNOCKS.
GINA (O.S.)
Coming.
Gina opens the door. And she's even more adorable and radiant than he had imagined. Even though she's just dressed casual. T-shirt, jeans, sweater around her neck.
GINA
Hi. Give me a second. I've just got to take this tampon out of my snapper.
HANK
What?
GINA
Come on in. You want a cigar?
HANK
(stunned)
Huh? No. No thank you.
He begins coughing.
GINA
Be right back.
Hank is completely thrown. He cautiously enters. She crosses to the bathroom passing a MACAW in a cage.
MACAW
You're a whore!
GINA
Shut the fuck up. (to Hank) He picks up little phrases he hears over and over.
She exits into the bathroom. Hank is beside himself.
HANK
You've been called a whore over and over?
GINA (O.S.)
Ah, much better. Baby can breathe.
He looks around. What the hell is happening here? She re-enters.
GINA
You don't get much sun, do ya? What was your name again? Casper?
HANK
Uh, no. Hank. Hank Niehaus.
GINA
(shaking hands)
Gina Trammell. Nice to meet you, Casper. (then) Are you shaking?
HANK
(covering)
No no. Just a little...chilly.
Gina takes a flask out of her purse.
GINA
You want a good stiff belt?
HANK
(completely flustered)
No, I uh don't drink.
GINA
(offering flask to bird)
You?
MACAW
Tampon in my snapper!
She laughs, takes a swig, then takes a big puff of the cigar that's on the coffee table. Hank coughs.
GINA
God, I love to suck Cubans.
Hank starts to slowly back towards the door.
MACAW
You're a whore!
GINA
Shut up! You're not my mom! (then) So, what's the plan? Dinner or a drink?
HANK
Well, I was thinking dinner, but a drink -- a really really fast drink is fine.
GINA
(considering)
Nah, let's eat. I had dinner but I could go again. Excuse me.
She crosses to the bathroom again. A beat then WE HEAR HER THROW UP. Hank wants out of there soooo bad.
MACAW
I left my wife for you!
An awkward silence then Gina, fully composed, re-enters.
GINA
Okay, so where to?
HANK
Well, I uh, er, made reservations at Burkhardts across the street. They supposedly make a wonderful chicken.
GINA
Oh, that place. Maybe in fifty years when we've both got walkers and are wearing diapers.
HANK
Then uh, well, where would you like to eat?
GINA
I dunno. Maybe Ghanian.
Hank hides his horror.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Me and computers
I admit it. When it comes to computers I’m a retard. Someone explains how to run a program, I nod, it all makes sense, then the minute he leaves I’m the guy from MEMENTO. I’m completely helpless over a skill that every 14 year old in America has mastered. And I can work a TIVO so I’m still ahead of most of my friends (you’d think those Masters degrees and Doctorates would account for something). But even if I knew the first thing about using Pro Tools or how to log onto a porn site without getting a raft of spam, I still contend computers are just too complicated.
Case in point: I switched internet providers this week. I’d been having terrible trouble with my DSL provider. In fairness, the culprit was really the phone company (You can call it Verizon now but it’s still General Telephone – the string-and-two-Dixie-cups of telecommunications). But my internet was down every two nights and finally I decided to switch to cable.
I know a lot of internet providers will provide you with a box of equipment and instructions. To me that’s like buying a car from Ikea. A big box arrives on your front lawn that says Toyota. So I of course opted for the installation package. It took this guy (a “trained” professional) two hours at which time he had managed to completely screw up every computer in the house, the router, and my microwave is now on the fritz. He threw up his hands and left, I had to call my computer guy (at “you need a loan” hourly prices), and it took him another two hours to fix things. And there’s still a problem with my email that he says can only be rectified if I upgrade my entire system (which would be a whole day, the cost of a year’s college tuition, and would probably wipe out my Tetris high score results). For a good part of the afternoon this guy (who really knows his shit), recalibrated, reconfigured, pulled down menus and pop up boxes I never knew existed, hooked things up from modems to bay stations to power outlets, typed in IP addresses, user names, passwords, codes, clicked yes and no to thousands of options, and still had to call tech support twice. When I asked if the tech support guys were helpful he said the second guy was. Jesus, even the tech support people don’t know what they’re doing.
There has to be a simpler way. They can invent ipods and blue tooth and instant messaging complete with video – there has to be a computer even I can use. In the meantime, there’s a guy with a perpetual runny nose, lazy eye, and thinning hair at 22, toting around Natalie Portman stills from STAR WARS – and I’m his bitch.
Case in point: I switched internet providers this week. I’d been having terrible trouble with my DSL provider. In fairness, the culprit was really the phone company (You can call it Verizon now but it’s still General Telephone – the string-and-two-Dixie-cups of telecommunications). But my internet was down every two nights and finally I decided to switch to cable.
I know a lot of internet providers will provide you with a box of equipment and instructions. To me that’s like buying a car from Ikea. A big box arrives on your front lawn that says Toyota. So I of course opted for the installation package. It took this guy (a “trained” professional) two hours at which time he had managed to completely screw up every computer in the house, the router, and my microwave is now on the fritz. He threw up his hands and left, I had to call my computer guy (at “you need a loan” hourly prices), and it took him another two hours to fix things. And there’s still a problem with my email that he says can only be rectified if I upgrade my entire system (which would be a whole day, the cost of a year’s college tuition, and would probably wipe out my Tetris high score results). For a good part of the afternoon this guy (who really knows his shit), recalibrated, reconfigured, pulled down menus and pop up boxes I never knew existed, hooked things up from modems to bay stations to power outlets, typed in IP addresses, user names, passwords, codes, clicked yes and no to thousands of options, and still had to call tech support twice. When I asked if the tech support guys were helpful he said the second guy was. Jesus, even the tech support people don’t know what they’re doing.
There has to be a simpler way. They can invent ipods and blue tooth and instant messaging complete with video – there has to be a computer even I can use. In the meantime, there’s a guy with a perpetual runny nose, lazy eye, and thinning hair at 22, toting around Natalie Portman stills from STAR WARS – and I’m his bitch.
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
If I were on SURVIVOR...
If I were on SURVIVOR….
I’d have to give up my religion. Jews don’t camp. And they’d never go to the tropics if there were no cabanas.
For my luxury item I might bring a porta-potty.
I would try to vote off Jeff Probst.
I would write phony tree mail and watch my tribe mates frantically dig up the beach looking for a bogus immunity medallion.
I would fake injuries.
I would start making alliances on the boat ride over to the island.
I would bribe people for everything.
I would tell the producers my name was “Sawyer” and my profession was “Confidence Man”.
They always show close ups of lizards and toads and scurrying crabs. While the rest of the tribe starved or shared one stinking papaya I would eat one of those.
I would lobby to get our tribe name changed to the “Fighting Irish”.
If I ever won a rewards challenge that featured a feast on some yacht or gorgeous luxury hideaway and was allowed to bring one other person – it would always be the pretty girl.
I would not gorge myself with chocolate after not eating anything for three days. The result would be two doubled over nights on my luxury item.
When Jeff asks “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” I’d answer, “Wanna rephrase that just once because you get paid a ton of money and the least you could do is not spout the same idiotic catch phrases every freaking week?”
Another luxury item I might bring is a polygraph machine.
I would tell the producers that Keira Knightley is my girlfriend so they’d bring her over to visit me.
If I won a panel truck I would not sleep in the back of it with my mother. (What were you thinking, Colby??)
I would try to parlay my appearance on SURVIVOR to get a co-hosting job on the VIEW.
If it got down to me and a woman for the final two, if she wins I would immediately propose to her.
I’d have to give up my religion. Jews don’t camp. And they’d never go to the tropics if there were no cabanas.
For my luxury item I might bring a porta-potty.
I would try to vote off Jeff Probst.
I would write phony tree mail and watch my tribe mates frantically dig up the beach looking for a bogus immunity medallion.
I would fake injuries.
I would start making alliances on the boat ride over to the island.
I would bribe people for everything.
I would tell the producers my name was “Sawyer” and my profession was “Confidence Man”.
They always show close ups of lizards and toads and scurrying crabs. While the rest of the tribe starved or shared one stinking papaya I would eat one of those.
I would lobby to get our tribe name changed to the “Fighting Irish”.
If I ever won a rewards challenge that featured a feast on some yacht or gorgeous luxury hideaway and was allowed to bring one other person – it would always be the pretty girl.
I would not gorge myself with chocolate after not eating anything for three days. The result would be two doubled over nights on my luxury item.
When Jeff asks “Wanna know what you’re playing for?” I’d answer, “Wanna rephrase that just once because you get paid a ton of money and the least you could do is not spout the same idiotic catch phrases every freaking week?”
Another luxury item I might bring is a polygraph machine.
I would tell the producers that Keira Knightley is my girlfriend so they’d bring her over to visit me.
If I won a panel truck I would not sleep in the back of it with my mother. (What were you thinking, Colby??)
I would try to parlay my appearance on SURVIVOR to get a co-hosting job on the VIEW.
If it got down to me and a woman for the final two, if she wins I would immediately propose to her.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)