I’ll be celebrating by getting up at 4 in the morning again to go on the radio (co-hosting the Stephanie Miller show with Elayne Boosler). But it will be worth it if I can keep even one person from going out and buying home fireworks.
How many fingers and eyebrows do we have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before people learn?
What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 inch “strike force missile”? Or a “Mad Dog”, “Bazooka Bear”, “Titanium Cracker”, “Dragon’s Wrath”, “Big Mama Jama”, “Brutal Force”,“Nuke Power”, “Pull String Grenade”, “Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”, “Caliber Blast”, “Car Bomb”, “Big Earthquake”, “Jumboshell Fountain”, “Pyrogyro”, “Cracker Jack in a Box”, “Deadly Fire”, “Battle of New Orleans”, “Pay Back”, “Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), “Air Raid”, or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?
Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.
Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshall is someone more impressive than Bob Sagett.
Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. And celebrate the greatness that was America – 1776 to 2000.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Sunday, July 02, 2006
Review: SUPERMAN RETURNS
If you want to hear me and Elayne Boosler co-host the Stephanie Miller Show on Mon and Tues and there's no affiliate in your area, you can listen by going to http://wavz.com/main.html. At some point I'll be giving my review of SUPERMAN RETURNS. It'll sound a little bit like this:
*********
The first three hours of SUPERMAN RETURNS were pretty good. The last two were unnecessary.
In this version Superman had two secret identities – Clark Kent and Jesus Christ. We got the analogy.
It was very exciting and well made but I couldn’t stop thinking -- $250 million dollars, nine or ten scripts, four or five directors for THIS??
They should have gotten Brad Bird to write this. Everything SUPERMAN RETURNS did wrong he did right in THE INCREDIBLES.
This was the graceful Superman. The Man of Steel and Ballet.
Kate Bosworth was the stupidest Lois Lane EVER (which is saying something considering Margot Kidder wandered through people’s backyards for days not knowing who she was). As I’m sure you’re aware from all the articles, Superman returns after a five year absence. And amazingly, so does Clark Kent…on the same day. Yet ace reporter Lois Lane sees absolutely no connection. (Sidebar: If you’re dumb enough to buy Teri Hatcher’s book you realize you’re getting life lessons from Lois Lane?)
When you can finally buy the DVD of this (probably on Thursday) it might be fun to play the drinking game every time Lois hits her head against something.
Maybe the world didn’t miss Superman for the five years he was gone because we have Jack Bauer.
The flying effects were great. But it’s still wrong to not have that whistling wind whoosh when Superman streaks across the sky.
I missed Gene Hackman.
Brandon Routh makes Dean Cain look edgy.
George Reeves is the Sean Connery of Supermen.
Director Bryan Singer said there was an in-depth discussion during pre-production on the size of the hero’s “package”. My question to Mr. Singer: On this movie or all your movies? And the pilot of HOUSE?
Why would ANYONE want to live in Metroplis? Jesus. A day doesn’t go by when there’s not at least one disaster. That town would break FEMA in a month. And the citizens must now be used to them because no one ever heads for cover, no one ever panics, people continue dining at sidewalk cafes even though a car or airplane is hurtling right for them. (Sidebar #2: If Superman landed a plane in Wrigley Field during a Cubs game that Harry Caray was calling here’s how it would have sounded:
HARRY: Time called for a moment, there seems to be a hot dog wrapper on the field.
STEVE STONE: No, Harry, that’s a jumbo jetliner.
HARRY: Holy cow! Well, while the groundscrew removes it, why not head to the kitchen and pop the top off an ice cold Budweiser? You sure that’s not just the tarp, Steve?
STEVE STONE: No, Harry. It’s a plane.
Every article I’ve read about the movie stresses the love story and the emotionally troubled Superman – all wonderful values to have in a film. But the truth is this: Us Superman fans don’t give a shit about that. Just get to the action.
Why doesn’t anyone ever call the Child Protection Agency and blow the whistle on Joan Crawford-worthy mom, Lois Lane? She puts her kid in harm’s way every fifteen minutes.
Even a dead Marlon Brando is better than most live actors today.
I love that Noel Neill and Jack Larson (Lois & Jimmy from the TV series) had cameos. And my neighbor, Eva Marie Saint (although she had nothing to do).
If Kevin Spacey really wanted to kill Superman he would force him to watch BEYOND THE SEA.
For a flashback segment (which wasn’t needed at all) they spent untold millions to build a whole farm and cornfield in Australia when they just as easily could have used any fifteen minutes from SMALLVILLE.
The most exciting five minutes of the night was the SPIDERMAN 3 trailer.
*******
SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE ON:
**********
If Superman were really wheeled into a hospital he’d be stopped at the door and asked to provide proof of health insurance.
Lois Lane gets into the hospital to see Superman but his mother has to stand outside with the crowd?
In the hospital, they can’t hang up Superman’s suit. They just have to drape it over a chair? Was Superman in a Kaiser hospital?
When Lois sees all those wigs I thought she had stumbled into Carl Reiner’s bathroom.
You’d think Superman would be smart enough to put a lock on his Fortress of Solitude. If not Lex Luther, there has to at least be Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by.
When Superman lands back on earth at the beginning of the movie, did he arrive in a spaceship again? Where did he get it? And why did he need it? Is Kansas a no-fly zone?
With those crystals I thought initially that Lex Luthor’s insidious plan to achieve world domination involved opening a New Age store.
I guess this movie disproves the theory that you can’t tug on Superman’s cape. Even Mr. Rogers would have gone medieval if Lex tortured him the way he did Superman.
The last twenty minutes totally petered out. And I’m sorry, I don’t care what his moral code is, if Superman doesn’t KILL Lex Luthor, and by that I mean rip out his entrails, smash him against a wall, set him on fire, and slit his throat with a razor sharp 45 of Mack the Knife then the movie doesn’t have a satisfying ending.
But SPIDERMAN 3 looks REALLY cool!!
*********
The first three hours of SUPERMAN RETURNS were pretty good. The last two were unnecessary.
In this version Superman had two secret identities – Clark Kent and Jesus Christ. We got the analogy.
It was very exciting and well made but I couldn’t stop thinking -- $250 million dollars, nine or ten scripts, four or five directors for THIS??
They should have gotten Brad Bird to write this. Everything SUPERMAN RETURNS did wrong he did right in THE INCREDIBLES.
This was the graceful Superman. The Man of Steel and Ballet.
Kate Bosworth was the stupidest Lois Lane EVER (which is saying something considering Margot Kidder wandered through people’s backyards for days not knowing who she was). As I’m sure you’re aware from all the articles, Superman returns after a five year absence. And amazingly, so does Clark Kent…on the same day. Yet ace reporter Lois Lane sees absolutely no connection. (Sidebar: If you’re dumb enough to buy Teri Hatcher’s book you realize you’re getting life lessons from Lois Lane?)
When you can finally buy the DVD of this (probably on Thursday) it might be fun to play the drinking game every time Lois hits her head against something.
Maybe the world didn’t miss Superman for the five years he was gone because we have Jack Bauer.
The flying effects were great. But it’s still wrong to not have that whistling wind whoosh when Superman streaks across the sky.
I missed Gene Hackman.
Brandon Routh makes Dean Cain look edgy.
George Reeves is the Sean Connery of Supermen.
Director Bryan Singer said there was an in-depth discussion during pre-production on the size of the hero’s “package”. My question to Mr. Singer: On this movie or all your movies? And the pilot of HOUSE?
Why would ANYONE want to live in Metroplis? Jesus. A day doesn’t go by when there’s not at least one disaster. That town would break FEMA in a month. And the citizens must now be used to them because no one ever heads for cover, no one ever panics, people continue dining at sidewalk cafes even though a car or airplane is hurtling right for them. (Sidebar #2: If Superman landed a plane in Wrigley Field during a Cubs game that Harry Caray was calling here’s how it would have sounded:
HARRY: Time called for a moment, there seems to be a hot dog wrapper on the field.
STEVE STONE: No, Harry, that’s a jumbo jetliner.
HARRY: Holy cow! Well, while the groundscrew removes it, why not head to the kitchen and pop the top off an ice cold Budweiser? You sure that’s not just the tarp, Steve?
STEVE STONE: No, Harry. It’s a plane.
Every article I’ve read about the movie stresses the love story and the emotionally troubled Superman – all wonderful values to have in a film. But the truth is this: Us Superman fans don’t give a shit about that. Just get to the action.
Why doesn’t anyone ever call the Child Protection Agency and blow the whistle on Joan Crawford-worthy mom, Lois Lane? She puts her kid in harm’s way every fifteen minutes.
Even a dead Marlon Brando is better than most live actors today.
I love that Noel Neill and Jack Larson (Lois & Jimmy from the TV series) had cameos. And my neighbor, Eva Marie Saint (although she had nothing to do).
If Kevin Spacey really wanted to kill Superman he would force him to watch BEYOND THE SEA.
For a flashback segment (which wasn’t needed at all) they spent untold millions to build a whole farm and cornfield in Australia when they just as easily could have used any fifteen minutes from SMALLVILLE.
The most exciting five minutes of the night was the SPIDERMAN 3 trailer.
*******
SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE ON:
**********
If Superman were really wheeled into a hospital he’d be stopped at the door and asked to provide proof of health insurance.
Lois Lane gets into the hospital to see Superman but his mother has to stand outside with the crowd?
In the hospital, they can’t hang up Superman’s suit. They just have to drape it over a chair? Was Superman in a Kaiser hospital?
When Lois sees all those wigs I thought she had stumbled into Carl Reiner’s bathroom.
You’d think Superman would be smart enough to put a lock on his Fortress of Solitude. If not Lex Luther, there has to at least be Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by.
When Superman lands back on earth at the beginning of the movie, did he arrive in a spaceship again? Where did he get it? And why did he need it? Is Kansas a no-fly zone?
With those crystals I thought initially that Lex Luthor’s insidious plan to achieve world domination involved opening a New Age store.
I guess this movie disproves the theory that you can’t tug on Superman’s cape. Even Mr. Rogers would have gone medieval if Lex tortured him the way he did Superman.
The last twenty minutes totally petered out. And I’m sorry, I don’t care what his moral code is, if Superman doesn’t KILL Lex Luthor, and by that I mean rip out his entrails, smash him against a wall, set him on fire, and slit his throat with a razor sharp 45 of Mack the Knife then the movie doesn’t have a satisfying ending.
But SPIDERMAN 3 looks REALLY cool!!
Saturday, July 01, 2006
In the news...
Some things I might be talking about with Elayne Boosler when we host the Stephanie Miller show Monday and Tuesday morning (consult your local listings and Sirius satellite radio):
At the Institute of Food Technologists (with home office probably in the corner booth of a Sizzler’s) on Tuesday, Professor Charles Bamforth presented objective scientific evidence that beer is much healthier than wine. Bamforth is Anheuser-Busch endowed Professor of Brewing Science at the University of California. Where does Norm Peterson get a job like that?
At the erotica convention recently in Los Angeles (the only convention where nobody registers using their real name) Pastor Craig Gross, who runs an anti-pornography ministry handed out “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” bibles. He’d like to see them in hotels but how much reading are you going to be doing when you only have the room for an hour?
Meanwhile, several Los Angeles city officials are outraged and embarrassed because Hooters is planning a bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets. “Hooters for Neuters” is what they’re calling it. So it’s okay to hold an erotica convention in the LA convention center but a fund raiser for a good cause is undignified. If it makes the city officials feel any better there are a lot of 40 year old men who still live with their mothers who think “Hooters for Neuters” is a night saluting them.
A research study has concluded that holding a cellphone to your head while being struck with lightening can cause serious injury. But at least the last sound you hear is your favorite itune.
And a Korean company has invented a cellphone with a breathalyzer, so you can check to see if you’re drunk before the cop does. Here’s how it works: users blow into a small spot on the phone, and if they’ve had too much to drink the phone issues a warning and dispenses hot coffee out of another small spot on the phone. Plus, the LP4100 model has this nifty feature: it also allows you to set up the phone so on certain nights and after a certain time it will block you from calling certain people in your address book. (e.g. ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, Marine recruiter, QVC, me.). And if you fail the blood alcohol test the only call it will let you make is to your wife.
Sometime in October the US population will reach 300,000,000. Still, no one will be watching the CW.
According to “experts” – if you are a woman and you’re wearing a bra, you are probably wearing the wrong size. Who are these “experts” and where do I apply? Apparently this is such a serious problem that Oprah has devoted two shows to it, going so far as to have dramatic “bra interventions”. What joke could I possibly make that’s as absurd as that??
The average American breast has grown from size 34D to 36C. Of course Pamela Anderson alone has shifted the national average.
At the Institute of Food Technologists (with home office probably in the corner booth of a Sizzler’s) on Tuesday, Professor Charles Bamforth presented objective scientific evidence that beer is much healthier than wine. Bamforth is Anheuser-Busch endowed Professor of Brewing Science at the University of California. Where does Norm Peterson get a job like that?
At the erotica convention recently in Los Angeles (the only convention where nobody registers using their real name) Pastor Craig Gross, who runs an anti-pornography ministry handed out “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” bibles. He’d like to see them in hotels but how much reading are you going to be doing when you only have the room for an hour?
Meanwhile, several Los Angeles city officials are outraged and embarrassed because Hooters is planning a bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets. “Hooters for Neuters” is what they’re calling it. So it’s okay to hold an erotica convention in the LA convention center but a fund raiser for a good cause is undignified. If it makes the city officials feel any better there are a lot of 40 year old men who still live with their mothers who think “Hooters for Neuters” is a night saluting them.
A research study has concluded that holding a cellphone to your head while being struck with lightening can cause serious injury. But at least the last sound you hear is your favorite itune.
And a Korean company has invented a cellphone with a breathalyzer, so you can check to see if you’re drunk before the cop does. Here’s how it works: users blow into a small spot on the phone, and if they’ve had too much to drink the phone issues a warning and dispenses hot coffee out of another small spot on the phone. Plus, the LP4100 model has this nifty feature: it also allows you to set up the phone so on certain nights and after a certain time it will block you from calling certain people in your address book. (e.g. ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, Marine recruiter, QVC, me.). And if you fail the blood alcohol test the only call it will let you make is to your wife.
Sometime in October the US population will reach 300,000,000. Still, no one will be watching the CW.
According to “experts” – if you are a woman and you’re wearing a bra, you are probably wearing the wrong size. Who are these “experts” and where do I apply? Apparently this is such a serious problem that Oprah has devoted two shows to it, going so far as to have dramatic “bra interventions”. What joke could I possibly make that’s as absurd as that??
The average American breast has grown from size 34D to 36C. Of course Pamela Anderson alone has shifted the national average.
Friday, June 30, 2006
Grab your parkas, it's July
Since the MASH frenzy continues, here’s another anecdote. It’s a re-post but for the many new readers I think it’s worth a summer re-run. Besides I have to read a lot of crap this weekend so I won’t sound too stupid co-hosting the Stephanie Miller Show this Monday & Tuesday.
***********
When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.
But….
Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.
This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.
The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.
This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.
If only we could do that today with networks and studios.
***********
When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.
But….
Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.
This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.
The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.
This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.
If only we could do that today with networks and studios.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Goodbye Radar and June
On Monday and Tuesday I will be co-hosting the STEPHANIE MILLER syndicated radio show with the much-funnier-than-me Elayne Boosler. 6-9 AM on the West Coast and 9-Noon in the East. Needless to say, big audiences are expected for morning drive time radio on the 3rd and 4th of July.
I’m amazed by the huge reaction to MASH posts. You all realize that until they moved the show to Mondays it was getting its ass kicked by THREE’S COMPANY?
GOODBYE RADAR was supposed to be the finale of season seven. When the network talked Gary Burghoff into postponing his exit until November sweeps (it was a very short conversation, they just wrote a dollar figure on a piece of paper and handed it to him.) we decided to make it more of an event, thus the two parter. (CBS was lobbying for a twelve parter.)
Our goal was to make his actual departure as emotional as possible while still avoiding a long maudlin scene. Hence the casualties. Each character said goodbye in one sentence. I’m a big fan of tiny moments. Radar leaving his teddy bear to Hawkeye said more than any speech we could have ever written. (And you know how long it takes us to write those damn big speeches.)
The name we gave his girlfriend was Patty Haven, a former girlfriend of mine who left me to run a kennel in Fresno.
90% of the time two parters should really be part-and-a-halfs.
I think the rapid fire pace of the dialogue and story telling on MASH was much better suited for a half hour than an hour.
Saw myself on MY FIRST TIME on TVLand. What was I thinking wearing that purple shirt? I looked like a telletubby.
For the MARY show we hired newcomer Katey Segal over Kathy Bates.
Most of the real dish on Mary Tyler Moore I have I will save for my book. I will then have to spend the next few years hiding like Salmon Rushdie while Mary tries to hunt me down.
Suffice it to say I can’t watch ORDINARY PEOPLE without having Viet Nam flashbacks.
We did make reference to her in a SIMPSONS we wrote. Patty or Selma decided to wear Mary’s classic hairstyle. The town drunk approaches and asks, “Are you Mary Tyler Moore?” She sprays him with mace and he says, “You ARE. You are Mary Tyler Moore!”
Some guys live right. Minnesota Twins’ catcher Joe Mauer is batting an incredible .456 in June and goes home to former Miss USA, Chelea Cooley. Why opposing pitchers aren’t throwing at his head every at bat is beyond me.
The Twins are one of the most exciting teams in baseball. Too bad they play in that giant jello mold.
Caught the Ringo Starr All-Star band concert last weekend. Ringo was charming and it was “far out” hearing those Beatles songs sung by “the actual guy” but he wasn’t the best musician on stage. In fact, he wasn’t even the best drummer on stage. Sheila E. was absolutely phenomenal!! Meanwhile, Edgar Winters looks the same as he did 25 years ago – middle aged and paunchy. The only instrument he didn’t play was the zither.
The only National League team that can beat the American League is the Colorado Rockies. What this means is that the National League should just trade places with the Pacific Coast League.
I was not involved with the final MASH episode. The story was broken into half hour increments and divided up between the writers, who would then each write their segment with Alan Alda.
Booting Star Jones Reynolds off THE VIEW was a good start. Now get rid of the rest of those hens.
It’s hard to not get swept up in World Cup fever when there are all those heart pounding, spine tingling 0-0 games.
When Germany plays Iran, who do you root for?
Check back tomorrow for one of my favorite MASH anecdotes.
I’m amazed by the huge reaction to MASH posts. You all realize that until they moved the show to Mondays it was getting its ass kicked by THREE’S COMPANY?
GOODBYE RADAR was supposed to be the finale of season seven. When the network talked Gary Burghoff into postponing his exit until November sweeps (it was a very short conversation, they just wrote a dollar figure on a piece of paper and handed it to him.) we decided to make it more of an event, thus the two parter. (CBS was lobbying for a twelve parter.)
Our goal was to make his actual departure as emotional as possible while still avoiding a long maudlin scene. Hence the casualties. Each character said goodbye in one sentence. I’m a big fan of tiny moments. Radar leaving his teddy bear to Hawkeye said more than any speech we could have ever written. (And you know how long it takes us to write those damn big speeches.)
The name we gave his girlfriend was Patty Haven, a former girlfriend of mine who left me to run a kennel in Fresno.
90% of the time two parters should really be part-and-a-halfs.
I think the rapid fire pace of the dialogue and story telling on MASH was much better suited for a half hour than an hour.
Saw myself on MY FIRST TIME on TVLand. What was I thinking wearing that purple shirt? I looked like a telletubby.
For the MARY show we hired newcomer Katey Segal over Kathy Bates.
Most of the real dish on Mary Tyler Moore I have I will save for my book. I will then have to spend the next few years hiding like Salmon Rushdie while Mary tries to hunt me down.
Suffice it to say I can’t watch ORDINARY PEOPLE without having Viet Nam flashbacks.
We did make reference to her in a SIMPSONS we wrote. Patty or Selma decided to wear Mary’s classic hairstyle. The town drunk approaches and asks, “Are you Mary Tyler Moore?” She sprays him with mace and he says, “You ARE. You are Mary Tyler Moore!”
Some guys live right. Minnesota Twins’ catcher Joe Mauer is batting an incredible .456 in June and goes home to former Miss USA, Chelea Cooley. Why opposing pitchers aren’t throwing at his head every at bat is beyond me.
The Twins are one of the most exciting teams in baseball. Too bad they play in that giant jello mold.
Caught the Ringo Starr All-Star band concert last weekend. Ringo was charming and it was “far out” hearing those Beatles songs sung by “the actual guy” but he wasn’t the best musician on stage. In fact, he wasn’t even the best drummer on stage. Sheila E. was absolutely phenomenal!! Meanwhile, Edgar Winters looks the same as he did 25 years ago – middle aged and paunchy. The only instrument he didn’t play was the zither.
The only National League team that can beat the American League is the Colorado Rockies. What this means is that the National League should just trade places with the Pacific Coast League.
I was not involved with the final MASH episode. The story was broken into half hour increments and divided up between the writers, who would then each write their segment with Alan Alda.
Booting Star Jones Reynolds off THE VIEW was a good start. Now get rid of the rest of those hens.
It’s hard to not get swept up in World Cup fever when there are all those heart pounding, spine tingling 0-0 games.
When Germany plays Iran, who do you root for?
Check back tomorrow for one of my favorite MASH anecdotes.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
M*A*S*H Misc.
By popular demand, more MASH stuff. (I never get this kind of reaction to my Palm Springs travelogues.) Here are some random questions and thoughts:
How did we get the medical jargon? We had a consultant on staff, Dr. Walter Dishell. When writing the script, David and I would just slug in medical nonsense.
HAWKEYE: I think his freebazzber is ruptured.
BJ: You might have to gumenford him and eeknonoogle his interior norgalflagle.
HAWKEYE: Nurse, zignuts. Stat!
Walt would send the script back replacing the zignuts. Eventually we became more proficient in operating procedures and by the end of our tenure we were taking a crack at the jargon ourselves, just calling him and running the scene by him. One of our proudest moments on the show was once writing an OR scene that required no changes. Of course the patient did die.
If you’re writing a spec script like a HOUSE that requires medical-speak, consult a doctor to get it right.
When breaking stories, we would often call Walt and say something like, “Here’s what we need -- a patient that comes in with a bad fever. He becomes delusional that night. The next day he’s better. But that night he dies.” An hour later Walt would call back with Hemorrhagic Fever or some other exotic disease.
At MASH we also had a nurse on stage who served as our technical advisor. That is why you never saw Hawkeye operate with a band saw.
A few people commented on the number of inconsistencies in the show. Yes, a show bible might have been nice. To me there were two BIG inconsistencies: Harry Morgan initially appeared as an insane general (maybe the funniest MASH episode EVER – “The General Flipped at Dawn”) and then later as Colonel Potter. And the other – we’re supposed to believe that eleven years of stories, main characters coming and going, actors aging over a decade, etc. all took place in less than two years.
The theme song, taken from the movie, “Suicide is Painless” was never sung on the series.
The show was shot at Twentieth Century Fox on Stage 9, and on location in Malibu canyon. A later brush fire destroyed most of the exterior sets. The sets from the stage are in the Smithsonian in Washington. I didn’t steal any of the props. I’m an idiot.
It took four days to shoot an episode. One day to read and rehearse, and three to film. One of the three shooting days would be out on location. But only until the end of Daylight Savings Time. After that the days were too short. The final six or seven episodes were always filmed exclusively on the stage, even the exterior scenes.
For my money the best episodes were written by Larry Gelbart and the team of Everett Greenbaum & Jim Frizzell.
I was there for the creation of Charles Emerson Winchester. The idea was to replace Frank Burns with a character that was very much his opposite. We all wanted Charles to be smarter and more gifted as a surgeon than Hawkeye or B.J. and, as opposed to Frank, a worthy adversary.
There were no auditions for the part of part. Producer Burt Metcalfe had seen David Ogden Stiers guesting on an episode of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and thought he’d be perfect. It was only after David was hired that we learned he could do that slight Boston accent.
I named several women characters after old girlfriends. They still hated me.
In the 7th season, for patient names we used the 1978 Los Angeles Dodger roster. In the 6th season there was an episode with four Marine patients. They were the California Angels infield.
MASH tribute sites have trivia contests. I often can’t answer questions from episodes I wrote.
How did we get the medical jargon? We had a consultant on staff, Dr. Walter Dishell. When writing the script, David and I would just slug in medical nonsense.
HAWKEYE: I think his freebazzber is ruptured.
BJ: You might have to gumenford him and eeknonoogle his interior norgalflagle.
HAWKEYE: Nurse, zignuts. Stat!
Walt would send the script back replacing the zignuts. Eventually we became more proficient in operating procedures and by the end of our tenure we were taking a crack at the jargon ourselves, just calling him and running the scene by him. One of our proudest moments on the show was once writing an OR scene that required no changes. Of course the patient did die.
If you’re writing a spec script like a HOUSE that requires medical-speak, consult a doctor to get it right.
When breaking stories, we would often call Walt and say something like, “Here’s what we need -- a patient that comes in with a bad fever. He becomes delusional that night. The next day he’s better. But that night he dies.” An hour later Walt would call back with Hemorrhagic Fever or some other exotic disease.
At MASH we also had a nurse on stage who served as our technical advisor. That is why you never saw Hawkeye operate with a band saw.
A few people commented on the number of inconsistencies in the show. Yes, a show bible might have been nice. To me there were two BIG inconsistencies: Harry Morgan initially appeared as an insane general (maybe the funniest MASH episode EVER – “The General Flipped at Dawn”) and then later as Colonel Potter. And the other – we’re supposed to believe that eleven years of stories, main characters coming and going, actors aging over a decade, etc. all took place in less than two years.
The theme song, taken from the movie, “Suicide is Painless” was never sung on the series.
The show was shot at Twentieth Century Fox on Stage 9, and on location in Malibu canyon. A later brush fire destroyed most of the exterior sets. The sets from the stage are in the Smithsonian in Washington. I didn’t steal any of the props. I’m an idiot.
It took four days to shoot an episode. One day to read and rehearse, and three to film. One of the three shooting days would be out on location. But only until the end of Daylight Savings Time. After that the days were too short. The final six or seven episodes were always filmed exclusively on the stage, even the exterior scenes.
For my money the best episodes were written by Larry Gelbart and the team of Everett Greenbaum & Jim Frizzell.
I was there for the creation of Charles Emerson Winchester. The idea was to replace Frank Burns with a character that was very much his opposite. We all wanted Charles to be smarter and more gifted as a surgeon than Hawkeye or B.J. and, as opposed to Frank, a worthy adversary.
There were no auditions for the part of part. Producer Burt Metcalfe had seen David Ogden Stiers guesting on an episode of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and thought he’d be perfect. It was only after David was hired that we learned he could do that slight Boston accent.
I named several women characters after old girlfriends. They still hated me.
In the 7th season, for patient names we used the 1978 Los Angeles Dodger roster. In the 6th season there was an episode with four Marine patients. They were the California Angels infield.
MASH tribute sites have trivia contests. I often can’t answer questions from episodes I wrote.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
Hawkeye's speech
First off – a programming note: I will be making a rare on-camera appearance Wednesday night at 10 PM on TVLand. The program is called MY FIRST TIME (and no, it's not what you think). TV stars talk about their big break. My partner and I gave Katy Segal her first job on the Mary Tyler Moore comeback disaster we did called MARY. (A show that could be the subject matter for a series called MY WORST TIME.)
Since it appears my entire body of work is destined for TVLAND (if not there already), it is only appropriate that that's where I show up. I taped my segment over a year ago so God knows what I said or how I look. I hope I don’t regret alerting people to this.
*******
Here’s the speech from our first MASH, “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” that took us a week and at least fifty drafts. But launched our career.
Hawkeye was temporarily blind, with no guarantee he’d ever see again. He dealt with it by staying very busy, even being a little manic. Finally, B.J. sits him down in Post Op and they have the following exchange:
********
B.J.
Listen, Hawk, why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you really feel.
HAWKEYE
No you don’t.
B.J.
You don’t want to have time to think about what might happen to you.
HAWKEYE
That’s not it. Sure, when Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my package, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, this crazy accident has taken on another meaning.
B.J.
How?
HAWKEYE
One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But things are happening that take me away from that. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that the sound of rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbeque, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think I’m using this thing to my advantage. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.
Since it appears my entire body of work is destined for TVLAND (if not there already), it is only appropriate that that's where I show up. I taped my segment over a year ago so God knows what I said or how I look. I hope I don’t regret alerting people to this.
*******
Here’s the speech from our first MASH, “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” that took us a week and at least fifty drafts. But launched our career.
Hawkeye was temporarily blind, with no guarantee he’d ever see again. He dealt with it by staying very busy, even being a little manic. Finally, B.J. sits him down in Post Op and they have the following exchange:
********
B.J.
Listen, Hawk, why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you really feel.
HAWKEYE
No you don’t.
B.J.
You don’t want to have time to think about what might happen to you.
HAWKEYE
That’s not it. Sure, when Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my package, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, this crazy accident has taken on another meaning.
B.J.
How?
HAWKEYE
One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But things are happening that take me away from that. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that the sound of rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbeque, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think I’m using this thing to my advantage. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Our first MASH
Last week’s MASH posts sparked a lot of questions about the show. I’m always amazed there’s still such interest in a thirty year old show but I couldn’t be happier. So keep those cards and letters coming in.
A number of people wanted to know how David Isaacs and I got our first MASH assignment. We had sold a JEFFERSONS and a couple of episodes of another series, JOE AND SONS, cancelled one nanosecond after we turned in our second script. (Surprisingly, there are no JOE AND SONS tribute websites.) Our agents moved up to the agency that also represented MASH executive producer, Gene Reynolds. He read and liked our JEFFERSONS and invited us to come in and meet. My partner and I had met in the Army Reserves so we were very comfortable writing a military show. This was season five, Larry Gelbart, had just left, and Gene was looking for new writers. Forget for a moment that the two of us together couldn’t carry Larry Gelbart’s pencil sharpener, we jumped at the chance.
We had a good meeting, were loaded down with research material, and told to come back when we had some stories to pitch. I asked how many stories? At the JEFFERSONS writers were allowed to pitch only three. Gene said as many as we had.
A week later we were back in his office with FIFTY stories. There was no way we were going to walk out of there without a sale. Needless to say, he was a little overwhelmed. By idea number fifteen he put two of them together and gave us the assignment.
We were over the moon. (Quick aside, a little over a year later we became head writers of MASH and wound up using most of those fifty stories.)
The two stories for that initial assignment were:
A gas heater blows up and Hawkeye is temporarily blind.
And Frank bets on baseball games aired by Armed Forces Radio live in the middle of the night then rebroadcast during the day. Thus he bets knowing the outcome. (This came from a true story I heard about from the Far East Network in Viet Nam.) Our spin was that Hawkeye discovers this and he, B.J., Radar, and Klinger do a recreation of a game to fool him.
The episode was called OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND. Our draft was very well received and proved to be the turning point of our career.
It took us two weeks to complete -- one week to write just one speech. But that speech was key to the episode.
Tomorrow – that speech.
A number of people wanted to know how David Isaacs and I got our first MASH assignment. We had sold a JEFFERSONS and a couple of episodes of another series, JOE AND SONS, cancelled one nanosecond after we turned in our second script. (Surprisingly, there are no JOE AND SONS tribute websites.) Our agents moved up to the agency that also represented MASH executive producer, Gene Reynolds. He read and liked our JEFFERSONS and invited us to come in and meet. My partner and I had met in the Army Reserves so we were very comfortable writing a military show. This was season five, Larry Gelbart, had just left, and Gene was looking for new writers. Forget for a moment that the two of us together couldn’t carry Larry Gelbart’s pencil sharpener, we jumped at the chance.
We had a good meeting, were loaded down with research material, and told to come back when we had some stories to pitch. I asked how many stories? At the JEFFERSONS writers were allowed to pitch only three. Gene said as many as we had.
A week later we were back in his office with FIFTY stories. There was no way we were going to walk out of there without a sale. Needless to say, he was a little overwhelmed. By idea number fifteen he put two of them together and gave us the assignment.
We were over the moon. (Quick aside, a little over a year later we became head writers of MASH and wound up using most of those fifty stories.)
The two stories for that initial assignment were:
A gas heater blows up and Hawkeye is temporarily blind.
And Frank bets on baseball games aired by Armed Forces Radio live in the middle of the night then rebroadcast during the day. Thus he bets knowing the outcome. (This came from a true story I heard about from the Far East Network in Viet Nam.) Our spin was that Hawkeye discovers this and he, B.J., Radar, and Klinger do a recreation of a game to fool him.
The episode was called OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND. Our draft was very well received and proved to be the turning point of our career.
It took us two weeks to complete -- one week to write just one speech. But that speech was key to the episode.
Tomorrow – that speech.
Sunday, June 25, 2006
IMPORTANT!! Must read!!!
FINALLY!!! An election that is IMPORTANT and has real significance. The Mascot Hall of Fame is looking for its next inductee.
Yes, there is such a thing as the Mascot Hall of Fame. I don’t know where it is. Probably in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere. As the creator of the Capitol City Goofball on the SIMPSONS I’m frankly a little hurt he is not among those luminaries already enshrined. A write-in vote or sixty thousand from you would be welcomed. The website is www.mascothalloffame.com. And for that matter, Dancin’ Homer deserves some consideration…although, honestly, I think he’s still a year or two away. His ants-in-the-pants dance lacks, well…nuance and elegance.
The three ‘cots already in the Hall are the San Diego Chicken (the Babe Ruth of bulbous belly laughs), the Phillie Phanatic (the perfect blend of pratfalls and Noel Coward), and the Phoenix Gorilla (who thankfully gets more airtime on NBA telecasts than Dyan Cannon).
Among the candidates for this year’s elite class – the Mariner Moose. His claim to fame was breaking his ankle while crashing into the outfield wall while rollerblading behind an ATV during the 1995 ALCS. And now it’s his most requested routine.
Then there’s Clutch the Bear from the Houston Rockets. He is so beloved that fans have stopped spitting on him.
The Cleveland Indian’s Slider is also on the ballet. The ‘95 ALCS was apparently a tough one on mascots. In addition to the Mariner Moose’s crash-with-greatness, Slider fell from the right field wall and had to leave the game with a serious knee injury. The man KNOWS funny. People still talk about it in Cleveland. (Of course, what else is there to talk about in Cleveland?)
And don’t forget KC Wolf from the KC Chiefs. Nicknamed the “Grand Daddy” of NFL mascots (because he had a kid with one of the Dallas Cheerleaders). Imitates Elvis. His 85 inch hips help.
Still, with all due respect to these costumed Chaplins, I still say not one of them is in the same league as the Capitol City Goofball. He INVENTED belly sliding. He can perform seven DIFFERENT dances to “Love Shack”. Kids are entranced when he picks up a live ball and runs around the outfield while livid fielders and security guards chase him.
Vote what’s in your heart of course, but do consider the Capitol City Goofball. And please don’t confuse the Mascot Hall of Fame with American Idol. Many people did and that’s why Taylor Hicks won.
Yes, there is such a thing as the Mascot Hall of Fame. I don’t know where it is. Probably in the back of a Chuck E. Cheese somewhere. As the creator of the Capitol City Goofball on the SIMPSONS I’m frankly a little hurt he is not among those luminaries already enshrined. A write-in vote or sixty thousand from you would be welcomed. The website is www.mascothalloffame.com. And for that matter, Dancin’ Homer deserves some consideration…although, honestly, I think he’s still a year or two away. His ants-in-the-pants dance lacks, well…nuance and elegance.
The three ‘cots already in the Hall are the San Diego Chicken (the Babe Ruth of bulbous belly laughs), the Phillie Phanatic (the perfect blend of pratfalls and Noel Coward), and the Phoenix Gorilla (who thankfully gets more airtime on NBA telecasts than Dyan Cannon).
Among the candidates for this year’s elite class – the Mariner Moose. His claim to fame was breaking his ankle while crashing into the outfield wall while rollerblading behind an ATV during the 1995 ALCS. And now it’s his most requested routine.
Then there’s Clutch the Bear from the Houston Rockets. He is so beloved that fans have stopped spitting on him.
The Cleveland Indian’s Slider is also on the ballet. The ‘95 ALCS was apparently a tough one on mascots. In addition to the Mariner Moose’s crash-with-greatness, Slider fell from the right field wall and had to leave the game with a serious knee injury. The man KNOWS funny. People still talk about it in Cleveland. (Of course, what else is there to talk about in Cleveland?)
And don’t forget KC Wolf from the KC Chiefs. Nicknamed the “Grand Daddy” of NFL mascots (because he had a kid with one of the Dallas Cheerleaders). Imitates Elvis. His 85 inch hips help.
Still, with all due respect to these costumed Chaplins, I still say not one of them is in the same league as the Capitol City Goofball. He INVENTED belly sliding. He can perform seven DIFFERENT dances to “Love Shack”. Kids are entranced when he picks up a live ball and runs around the outfield while livid fielders and security guards chase him.
Vote what’s in your heart of course, but do consider the Capitol City Goofball. And please don’t confuse the Mascot Hall of Fame with American Idol. Many people did and that’s why Taylor Hicks won.
Hollywood Stars night
Yesterday was the big annual Hollywood Stars Night at Dodger Stadium. This is a tradition that dates back to the late 50’s when the Dodgers had just arrived from Brooklyn and were playing in the cavernous Coliseum that seated 100,000 people. Back then, for the price of admission (which was probably $3.00 for the best seat in the house), prior to the Dodger game you could see an exhibition contest that featured Cary Grant, Jack Lemon, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Jr., Jerry Lewis, Walter Matthau, Jackie Gleason (not much range in right field), Danny Kaye, Nat King Cole, and then there was the second tier that only starred in major television hits. (Oh, and Billy Barty)
I remember going one year and Dean Martin was announced as the hitter. A limo pulled onto the field and drove up to home plate. Dino got out, dug in at the plate, called time, and signaled the car. A scantily clad cocktail waitress emerged with a martini on a silver tray. She brought it up to the plate, Dean took a sip, thanked her, and took his swings. Forget the bases, the batter was loaded!
The event was the brainchild of then Dodger marketing wizard, Danny Goodman. Vin Scully told me that when Danny proposed this idea to club owner, Walter O. Malley, Walter said, “Yeah, but will you be able to get stars?” Danny replied, “Are you kidding? I’ll get you stars you’ve never heard of!”
Among this years Hollywood “Stars” – Mia Hamm, James Van Der Beek, Michael Clark Duncan, and Corbin Berson.
I remember going one year and Dean Martin was announced as the hitter. A limo pulled onto the field and drove up to home plate. Dino got out, dug in at the plate, called time, and signaled the car. A scantily clad cocktail waitress emerged with a martini on a silver tray. She brought it up to the plate, Dean took a sip, thanked her, and took his swings. Forget the bases, the batter was loaded!
The event was the brainchild of then Dodger marketing wizard, Danny Goodman. Vin Scully told me that when Danny proposed this idea to club owner, Walter O. Malley, Walter said, “Yeah, but will you be able to get stars?” Danny replied, “Are you kidding? I’ll get you stars you’ve never heard of!”
Among this years Hollywood “Stars” – Mia Hamm, James Van Der Beek, Michael Clark Duncan, and Corbin Berson.
Friday, June 23, 2006
My process
From reader Beth C: “If you have time or are so inclined, could you delve a bit into your process? How long does it take you to write a script? What IS your process? That sort of thing.
*********
I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's, that bastard.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our assistant, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money BEFORE you get divorced.
ADDED THOUGHT:
Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.
You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.
*********
I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's, that bastard.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our assistant, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money BEFORE you get divorced.
ADDED THOUGHT:
Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.
You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
Hot links
I thought for today I’d recommend some of the other blogs and sites on my links list. I’d hyperlink them right in the text but that would require that I’m not a computer retard so you’ll have to click the links on the side. I recommend all of them and if I had the time would include a blurb about each but since I must spend an hour on the phone trying to straighten out a Verizon bill from 1998 I can only offer a sample. So these are a few of the sites I visit and think you’ll enjoy too.
SHOULD’VE ASKED ME -- Michael Markowitz is one the funniest comedy writers on the planet. His site is filled with hilarious observations, Ann Coulter hate, and the latest tech toys.
JANE ESPENSON – A former BUFFY writer who generously offers great advice to writers and reports daily on what she had for lunch.
DIRTY WATAH – My son’s Red Sox blog. Well written, very funny, and a wonderful substitute for therapy for him. If you despise the Yankees more than the Taliban this is the site for you.
A WRITER’S LIFE – Hour writer and mystery author Lee Goldberg offers sage advice to writers and somehow seems to know everything that is going on in the blogosphere. One stop cyber shopping.
POP BYTES -- The holy grail of pop culture. Blogmaster MK knows when Jennifer Aniston is going to use the can even before she does.
JOHN AUGUST – Screenwriter supreme – Tim Burton’s go-to guy. Read him everyday and learn more than NYU and USC writing students.
HOFFMANIA – Who says Democrats aren’t funny? And prolific. Howard Hoffman posts five times a day. Worth checking out…every couple of hours.
KUNG FU MONKEY – John Rogers is the grand poobah of screenwriting blogs. His site is eclectic, unpredictable, challenging at times, and always fun.
LLOYD THAXTON – Return to the 60’s with Lloyd Thaxton, a TV dance show host who was as much Ernie Kovacs as Dick Clark. He brings the same spirit and inventiveness to his reminiscences as he did to his show.
PEOPLE WE LOVE TO HATE – Hilarious often inspired captions to celebrity photos. It’s the bitchy best!
MR. POP HISTORY -- The ultimate research source for the 50’s - 80’s. Week by week. Perfect for reliving every single moment of your life. Pack a sandwich.
L.A. RADIO PEOPLE -- Don Barrett’s comprehensive look at Los Angeles radio, past and present. And you don’t have to be from LA to enjoy (although it helps). For radio geeks like me, this site is a daily must.
GREAT BIG RADIO – What the “Jack” format should be. A streaming variety of tasty music from the 60’s to today. “The Greatest hits and near misses of all-time.”
TABLOID WHORE – Very funny celebrity gossip that may even be accurate.
THE SEXY HUMORIST – Lives up to her title.
COMPLICATIONS ENSUE – Alex Epstein dispenses great advice to writers and offers many thought provoking discussions on the craft. This guy cares.
BOB SASSONE – The webmeister of TV SQUAD has his own blog. After informing the world of the new BAYWATCH DVD or who’s guesting on THE VIEW he still has time to offer his own thoughts, keen observations, and love letters to Amy Sedaris.
********
Happy surfing. And when you visit any of those sites, tell ‘em Kenny sent ya, will ya?
SHOULD’VE ASKED ME -- Michael Markowitz is one the funniest comedy writers on the planet. His site is filled with hilarious observations, Ann Coulter hate, and the latest tech toys.
JANE ESPENSON – A former BUFFY writer who generously offers great advice to writers and reports daily on what she had for lunch.
DIRTY WATAH – My son’s Red Sox blog. Well written, very funny, and a wonderful substitute for therapy for him. If you despise the Yankees more than the Taliban this is the site for you.
A WRITER’S LIFE – Hour writer and mystery author Lee Goldberg offers sage advice to writers and somehow seems to know everything that is going on in the blogosphere. One stop cyber shopping.
POP BYTES -- The holy grail of pop culture. Blogmaster MK knows when Jennifer Aniston is going to use the can even before she does.
JOHN AUGUST – Screenwriter supreme – Tim Burton’s go-to guy. Read him everyday and learn more than NYU and USC writing students.
HOFFMANIA – Who says Democrats aren’t funny? And prolific. Howard Hoffman posts five times a day. Worth checking out…every couple of hours.
KUNG FU MONKEY – John Rogers is the grand poobah of screenwriting blogs. His site is eclectic, unpredictable, challenging at times, and always fun.
LLOYD THAXTON – Return to the 60’s with Lloyd Thaxton, a TV dance show host who was as much Ernie Kovacs as Dick Clark. He brings the same spirit and inventiveness to his reminiscences as he did to his show.
PEOPLE WE LOVE TO HATE – Hilarious often inspired captions to celebrity photos. It’s the bitchy best!
MR. POP HISTORY -- The ultimate research source for the 50’s - 80’s. Week by week. Perfect for reliving every single moment of your life. Pack a sandwich.
L.A. RADIO PEOPLE -- Don Barrett’s comprehensive look at Los Angeles radio, past and present. And you don’t have to be from LA to enjoy (although it helps). For radio geeks like me, this site is a daily must.
GREAT BIG RADIO – What the “Jack” format should be. A streaming variety of tasty music from the 60’s to today. “The Greatest hits and near misses of all-time.”
TABLOID WHORE – Very funny celebrity gossip that may even be accurate.
THE SEXY HUMORIST – Lives up to her title.
COMPLICATIONS ENSUE – Alex Epstein dispenses great advice to writers and offers many thought provoking discussions on the craft. This guy cares.
BOB SASSONE – The webmeister of TV SQUAD has his own blog. After informing the world of the new BAYWATCH DVD or who’s guesting on THE VIEW he still has time to offer his own thoughts, keen observations, and love letters to Amy Sedaris.
********
Happy surfing. And when you visit any of those sites, tell ‘em Kenny sent ya, will ya?
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Potter's P*O*V
Here’s the Potter scene from POV. But the reason this scene was so special was not the words but the superb performance by Harry Morgan.
******
INT. POST OP – NIGHT
Rich is LYING in bed writing a letter to his parents. He writes the date then “Dear Mom and Dad.” Potter steps INTO view and sits down next to Rich.
POTTER
Howdy, Texas. (re letter) Be sure to remind them to clean up your room. You’re going home soon…Now that you’ve got that pad, we can finally have a talk. Which part of the Lone Star you hail from?
Rich scribbles “San Antonio” then hands the pad to Potter.
POTTER
(handing the pad back) You don’t say. Took my medical training at Fort Sam Houston. Good ‘ole San Antone. A bowl of chili down there would keep you alive for days.
Nurse Baker walks up.
NURSE BAKER
Uh, Colonel you forgot to sign this chart.
POTTER
I didn’t forget. I’ll sign it on the way out. Now shoo!
Rich quickly scribbles “you okay?” on the pad and hands it to Potter, who reads it, then looks at Rich.
POTTER
I guess it shows, huh?
Rich SHAKES his head yes.
POTTER
It’s Mildred, my wife back home. Lovely gal. We’ve been married thirty-five years as of last Saturday. Every anniversary, no matter where I am, I manage to call her. Tell her how much I…well, you know. This year…This year I clean forgot. My thoughts are so filled with this damn war that I forgot her on our most important day. I just can’t forgive myself for missing it.
Rich scribbles “call her” on the pad, hands it to Potter, who reads.
POTTER
I’d like to, son. Even picked up the phone about twenty times. But there’s just no excuse my forgetting. I don’t know what to say to her.
Potter is a little misty-eyed. Hawkeye ENTERS and approaches Rich’s bed.
HAWKEYE
Evening, boys.
Potter gets up and moves by Hawkeye.
POTTER
Excuse me, Pierce.
HAWKEYE
(calling after him) Colonel?
Potter ignores him and EXITS. As Hawkeye walks away, Rich rattles the pad to get his attention. Hawkeye turns to him. Rich beckons him over.
HAWKEYE
What? What is it?
Rich scribbles “Forgot his anniversary,” and hands it to Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
Oh, so that’s what’s been getting under Dr. Jekyll’s hide.
Charles ENTERS holding a book.
CHARLES
All right, Pierce, admit it. You broke into my footlocker and read through my personal diary, didn’t you, Swine?
HAWKEYE
Charles, in all the times I’ve broken into your footlocker, I never looked at your diary.
CHARLES
Then who drew these faces in the margins?
HAWKEYE
It’s dry reading. You need illustrations.
******
INT. POST OP – NIGHT
Rich is LYING in bed writing a letter to his parents. He writes the date then “Dear Mom and Dad.” Potter steps INTO view and sits down next to Rich.
POTTER
Howdy, Texas. (re letter) Be sure to remind them to clean up your room. You’re going home soon…Now that you’ve got that pad, we can finally have a talk. Which part of the Lone Star you hail from?
Rich scribbles “San Antonio” then hands the pad to Potter.
POTTER
(handing the pad back) You don’t say. Took my medical training at Fort Sam Houston. Good ‘ole San Antone. A bowl of chili down there would keep you alive for days.
Nurse Baker walks up.
NURSE BAKER
Uh, Colonel you forgot to sign this chart.
POTTER
I didn’t forget. I’ll sign it on the way out. Now shoo!
Rich quickly scribbles “you okay?” on the pad and hands it to Potter, who reads it, then looks at Rich.
POTTER
I guess it shows, huh?
Rich SHAKES his head yes.
POTTER
It’s Mildred, my wife back home. Lovely gal. We’ve been married thirty-five years as of last Saturday. Every anniversary, no matter where I am, I manage to call her. Tell her how much I…well, you know. This year…This year I clean forgot. My thoughts are so filled with this damn war that I forgot her on our most important day. I just can’t forgive myself for missing it.
Rich scribbles “call her” on the pad, hands it to Potter, who reads.
POTTER
I’d like to, son. Even picked up the phone about twenty times. But there’s just no excuse my forgetting. I don’t know what to say to her.
Potter is a little misty-eyed. Hawkeye ENTERS and approaches Rich’s bed.
HAWKEYE
Evening, boys.
Potter gets up and moves by Hawkeye.
POTTER
Excuse me, Pierce.
HAWKEYE
(calling after him) Colonel?
Potter ignores him and EXITS. As Hawkeye walks away, Rich rattles the pad to get his attention. Hawkeye turns to him. Rich beckons him over.
HAWKEYE
What? What is it?
Rich scribbles “Forgot his anniversary,” and hands it to Hawkeye.
HAWKEYE
Oh, so that’s what’s been getting under Dr. Jekyll’s hide.
Charles ENTERS holding a book.
CHARLES
All right, Pierce, admit it. You broke into my footlocker and read through my personal diary, didn’t you, Swine?
HAWKEYE
Charles, in all the times I’ve broken into your footlocker, I never looked at your diary.
CHARLES
Then who drew these faces in the margins?
HAWKEYE
It’s dry reading. You need illustrations.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
P*O*V first scene
Thanks much for your great response to POV. Here’s the first scene. It’s not your typical sitcom beginning. By the way, the first time we see a member of the MASH cast is on page 5. I can imagine the notes we'd get on this today.
*******
(NOTE: THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS SUBJECTIVE CAMERA, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF PRIVATE BOBBY RICH.)
FADE IN
UNDER TITLES WE SEE:
EXT. KOREAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
PRIVATE BOBBY RICH is on patrol with his platoon. There are several Soldiers spread out in front of him. They are all walking very cautiously, on the lookout for trouble. Rich LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE as he walks. (END TITLES). Up ahead, a SERGEANT turns to the Men.
SERGEANT
Spread out. Spread out. Ferguson, Rich – don’t sit on top of each other.
PRIVATE FERGUSON turns to Rich.
FERGUSON
If we were all in a phone booth he’d still tell us to spread out.
RICH
(o.s.) Take a couple of giant steps, Fergy.
Ferguson moves further ahead of Rich. The patrol continues until the shrill SOUND of incoming mortars is HEARD.
SERGEANT
Incoming! Hit the dirt!
An EXPLOSION up ahead. The line starts to scatter, people hitting the ground. Before Rich can find cover there’s another EXPLOSION to his left. Suddenly the ground is yanked out from under him, and he’s LYING ON his side, dazed and wounded. Another EXPLOSION goes off up ahead. (Intermittent EXPLOSIONS continue throughout course of SCENE.) SCREAMING and CONFUSION is HEARD as other Soldiers scramble for better cover. Rich is lying helpless when another SOLDIER crawls up to him and looks him over.
SOLDIER
Rick, Rich, you okay?
The Soldier TURNS Rich OVER ON his back to face him. He looks at Rich’s wound which is in the vicinity of his throat.
SOLDIER
(grimacing at Rich’s wound) Oh, God! (calling out) Medic! Medic!
Rich tries to say something. All he can manage is a low wheezing. The Soldier squeezes Rich’s hand.
SOLDIER
Don’t talk, Rich. You’re hit there. (calling out) Medic! Dammit, Medic! Easy, Rich, easy.
An EXPLOSION goes off nearby. The Soldier covers Rich with his body. MEDIC NUMBER ONE runs up to them.
SOLDIER
Where you been?
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
What’ve we got?
SOLDIER
He took some stuff in his neck. He’s bleeding.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Soldier) Okay, take it easy. (calling out) Litter! (to Rich) You’re gonna be all right, fella. We’ll get you out.
Medic Number One opens Rich’s first-aid pack, removes the pressure bandage, and starts to apply it to Rich’s throat. Rich TURNS his head AWAY.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Don’t fight me. I’m here to help you.
Rich TURNS his head BACK and SEES Medic Number One apply the pressure bandage to his throat. LITTER BEARER arrives. The litter is placed alongside him on the ground.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Let’s get him on. I’ll hold his head…okay move.
Rich feels himself being lifted, and put on the litter.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Rich) Things’ll bounce a bit so hold on…Good luck, fella. (to Soldier and Litter Bearer) Go!
Rich is LIFTED and carried off. The litter BOUNCES ALONG. As the sights and sounds of the battle pass by, Rich BLACKS OUT.
******
I can also post the Potter scene later in the week if you don’t think I’m going to well once too often. Let me know.
*******
(NOTE: THIS ENTIRE EPISODE IS SUBJECTIVE CAMERA, AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES OF PRIVATE BOBBY RICH.)
FADE IN
UNDER TITLES WE SEE:
EXT. KOREAN COUNTRYSIDE – DAY
PRIVATE BOBBY RICH is on patrol with his platoon. There are several Soldiers spread out in front of him. They are all walking very cautiously, on the lookout for trouble. Rich LOOKS FROM SIDE TO SIDE as he walks. (END TITLES). Up ahead, a SERGEANT turns to the Men.
SERGEANT
Spread out. Spread out. Ferguson, Rich – don’t sit on top of each other.
PRIVATE FERGUSON turns to Rich.
FERGUSON
If we were all in a phone booth he’d still tell us to spread out.
RICH
(o.s.) Take a couple of giant steps, Fergy.
Ferguson moves further ahead of Rich. The patrol continues until the shrill SOUND of incoming mortars is HEARD.
SERGEANT
Incoming! Hit the dirt!
An EXPLOSION up ahead. The line starts to scatter, people hitting the ground. Before Rich can find cover there’s another EXPLOSION to his left. Suddenly the ground is yanked out from under him, and he’s LYING ON his side, dazed and wounded. Another EXPLOSION goes off up ahead. (Intermittent EXPLOSIONS continue throughout course of SCENE.) SCREAMING and CONFUSION is HEARD as other Soldiers scramble for better cover. Rich is lying helpless when another SOLDIER crawls up to him and looks him over.
SOLDIER
Rick, Rich, you okay?
The Soldier TURNS Rich OVER ON his back to face him. He looks at Rich’s wound which is in the vicinity of his throat.
SOLDIER
(grimacing at Rich’s wound) Oh, God! (calling out) Medic! Medic!
Rich tries to say something. All he can manage is a low wheezing. The Soldier squeezes Rich’s hand.
SOLDIER
Don’t talk, Rich. You’re hit there. (calling out) Medic! Dammit, Medic! Easy, Rich, easy.
An EXPLOSION goes off nearby. The Soldier covers Rich with his body. MEDIC NUMBER ONE runs up to them.
SOLDIER
Where you been?
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
What’ve we got?
SOLDIER
He took some stuff in his neck. He’s bleeding.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Soldier) Okay, take it easy. (calling out) Litter! (to Rich) You’re gonna be all right, fella. We’ll get you out.
Medic Number One opens Rich’s first-aid pack, removes the pressure bandage, and starts to apply it to Rich’s throat. Rich TURNS his head AWAY.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Don’t fight me. I’m here to help you.
Rich TURNS his head BACK and SEES Medic Number One apply the pressure bandage to his throat. LITTER BEARER arrives. The litter is placed alongside him on the ground.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
Let’s get him on. I’ll hold his head…okay move.
Rich feels himself being lifted, and put on the litter.
MEDIC NUMBER ONE
(to Rich) Things’ll bounce a bit so hold on…Good luck, fella. (to Soldier and Litter Bearer) Go!
Rich is LIFTED and carried off. The litter BOUNCES ALONG. As the sights and sounds of the battle pass by, Rich BLACKS OUT.
******
I can also post the Potter scene later in the week if you don’t think I’m going to well once too often. Let me know.
Monday, June 19, 2006
M*A*S*H P*O*V
My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote 19 episodes of MASH. I’m often asked which is my favorite and the answer is easy. POINT OF VIEW. It was from the 7th season when we were the show’s head writers.
We wanted to simulate the experience of being in a MASH unit as seen through the eyes of a wounded soldier. The viewer would be the soldier. We would see him get hit, transported by chopper, rushed to OR, recuperating in Post Op, mingling with the doctors and nurses, etc. The actors would talk directly into the camera.
We pitched the idea to our producer, Burt Melcalfe, telling him it would either be the best show of the season or a colossal embarrassment. But we wanted to shake things up. Larry Gelbart had so brilliantly done that a few years before with “The Interview”. We wanted our opportunity to tell a story a different way. To Burt’s credit, he gave us the okay. And this was back in the day when the creative staff of a series decided the show’s stories and direction, not the studio or network. (Allow me a moment of wistful reflection)
First off, though, we needed a story. On the surface it was simple. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?
We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.
It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –
“Thank…you”.
Now the story laid out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!
We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR? So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy.
The cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.
Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.
When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?
The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.
Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I cancelled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.
I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –
“Thank you”.
******
Tomorrow: the opening scene from POV.
We wanted to simulate the experience of being in a MASH unit as seen through the eyes of a wounded soldier. The viewer would be the soldier. We would see him get hit, transported by chopper, rushed to OR, recuperating in Post Op, mingling with the doctors and nurses, etc. The actors would talk directly into the camera.
We pitched the idea to our producer, Burt Melcalfe, telling him it would either be the best show of the season or a colossal embarrassment. But we wanted to shake things up. Larry Gelbart had so brilliantly done that a few years before with “The Interview”. We wanted our opportunity to tell a story a different way. To Burt’s credit, he gave us the okay. And this was back in the day when the creative staff of a series decided the show’s stories and direction, not the studio or network. (Allow me a moment of wistful reflection)
First off, though, we needed a story. On the surface it was simple. A soldier is injured, treated and saved by those lovable medicos at the 4077th. But what’s his injury? Where’s the suspense? And more importantly, how does he connect with our central characters?
We heard of a 1947 movie that used this first-person device called LADY IN THE LAKE. It was a Raymond Chandler mystery with Robert Montgomery as detective Philip Marlowe. Or, more accurately, Robert Montgomery’s voice. So we screened the movie. Holy shit! What we found was that when someone talked to Marlowe it was fine, but when Marlowe spoke the other actors had nothing to do but stare uncomfortably into the camera and try to react (this was not Jayne Meadow’s best work). It was sooooo dicey. Not to mention static, boring, and…well, downright creepy.
It seemed to us the key to making this device work was not having the soldier talk. And that sparked our story. What if the patient is hit in the throat? He can’t speak. He must undergo a series of tricky operations (the suspense) until finally he is able to utter only two words –
“Thank…you”.
Now the story laid out pretty easily. We created a B story where Potter forgets his anniversary and the patient informs Hawkeye which leads to the resolution. That way the soldier is directly involved in the story. One of the show’s highlights for me was how masterful Harry Morgan played the scene in which he confided in the young soldier. Not a dry seat in the house!
We wanted to really utilize the visual, give the viewer a different perspective whenever possible. What did it look like actually being in the chopper, gazing down at the camp, being on a stretcher during the insanity of triage, being wheeled into OR? So much credit for the success of the episode goes to director, Charles Dubin. And remember, he had only three days to film this, not three weeks…or months. And this was 1978, before steady cams. I think D. W. Griffith used this camera to shoot BIRTH OF A NATION. It couldn’t have been heavier or more unwieldy.
The cast was marvelous, really rising to the occasion. It’s hard enough to relate to fellow actors, but to play highly emotional scenes looking directly into a camera has to be nearly impossible. Additionally, scenes all had to play out in one take. We couldn’t cut back and forth between characters and angles and takes. To this day I marvel at their skill.
Trivia note: We gave the patient the name Bobby Rich. Bobby is one of my dearest friends, currently hosting a morning radio show in Tucson.
When the show was completed we watched the finished product in a screening room. I was horrified. There was Radar’s giant head filling this huge screen, addressing all of us tiny ants in the theater. AAAAAAGH!!! As I sat in the dark, contemplating my next career, I wondered how I could reconcile the fact that I personally had destroyed MASH. How’s THAT going to look on my resume?
The show aired on a Monday night during November sweeps. I almost didn’t watch it. When it began I cringed. A few moments into it Radar appeared. And a strange thing happened. The show suddenly worked.
Seeing Radar’s head on a TV screen, the comparable size of most human beings (Only Barry Bonds has a head the size of Radar’s on the silver screen.) the audience was able to buy the conceit. I can’t tell you how relieved I was. By the act break I cancelled my 11 PM flight to Antarctica.
I look back at that show today with great pride. We were allowed to take risks. Encouraged to take risks. And even if the show had been the “GLEN OR GLENDA of television” that it appeared to be that dark day in the screening room, I would still be proud to be a part of it. To the cast and crew and everyone involved in POINT OF VIEW, all I can say is –
“Thank you”.
******
Tomorrow: the opening scene from POV.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
My playbill
I was recently asked to submit my bio for the program for the musical I’m co-writing. The trouble is, if I list that I am primarily a TV writer it’s like putting a big target on my chest for New York theatre critics. So I thought I’d fudge, tailor it a tad for the Broadway theatre crowd. What do you think of this?
*******
Ken is the adopted son of Stephen Sondheim. His godfather was Bob Fosse who he met while walking Gwen Verdon’s dog. He spent his formative years building the sets for LES MISERABLES. A Peace Corps stint followed where for two years he introduced the Broadway musical to poverty stricken villages throughout Cambodia.
Ken returned to New York where he walked Carol Channing’s husband. He became somewhat of a play doctor, coming in uncredited to save A CHORUS LINE, PROOF, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE (originally titled: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH SHLOMO). WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, AVENUE Q., AIN’T MISBEHAVIN’ (additional dialogue), GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS (talking Mamet out of the dance numbers), and THE ODD COUPLE (originally titled: TWO AND A HALF MEN).
An experimental work of his own played two nights in Boston and two nights in St. Louis. It was called the 2004 WORLD SERIES.
He has never seen a television show, watched a movie, or read any book not written by John Simon or Frank Rich.
*******
Ken is the adopted son of Stephen Sondheim. His godfather was Bob Fosse who he met while walking Gwen Verdon’s dog. He spent his formative years building the sets for LES MISERABLES. A Peace Corps stint followed where for two years he introduced the Broadway musical to poverty stricken villages throughout Cambodia.
Ken returned to New York where he walked Carol Channing’s husband. He became somewhat of a play doctor, coming in uncredited to save A CHORUS LINE, PROOF, SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH GEORGE (originally titled: SUNDAY IN THE PARK WITH SHLOMO). WHOSE AFRAID OF VIRGINIA WOOLF?, AVENUE Q., AIN’T MISBEHAVIN’ (additional dialogue), GLENGARRY GLEN ROSS (talking Mamet out of the dance numbers), and THE ODD COUPLE (originally titled: TWO AND A HALF MEN).
An experimental work of his own played two nights in Boston and two nights in St. Louis. It was called the 2004 WORLD SERIES.
He has never seen a television show, watched a movie, or read any book not written by John Simon or Frank Rich.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
Happy Father's Day!!
Especially to my own father, Cliff, who is both my hero and role model.
Note to those wives and kids planning to celebrate: no brunches. That’s Mother’s Day stuff. Let the old man sit in front of the TV and watch the World Cup or Arena football amateur draft in peace.
Or watch FIELD OF DREAMS.
And now, as a public service, here are some movies NOT to watch on Father’s Day:
FEAR STRIKES OUT
CHINATOWN
SHINE
WALK THE LINE
OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
STAR WARS
Some TV shows and telefilms NOT to watch:
THE MARVIN GAYE STORY
THE BEACH BOYS STORY
Any CBS family comedy
Some unfriendly father plays:
ALL MY SONS
DEATH OF A SALESMAN (any Arthur Miller, actually)
LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
Some books to avoid:
Any Bing Crosby biography
Any Frank Sinatra biography
LOVE STORY (for so many reasons)
Records to skip:
PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE by the Temptations
BOY NAMED SUE by Johnny Cash
MY DAD by Paul Peterson
Any other suggestions are welcome.
Again, happy Father’s Day – the most sacred of the bullshit Hallmark holidays.
Note to those wives and kids planning to celebrate: no brunches. That’s Mother’s Day stuff. Let the old man sit in front of the TV and watch the World Cup or Arena football amateur draft in peace.
Or watch FIELD OF DREAMS.
And now, as a public service, here are some movies NOT to watch on Father’s Day:
FEAR STRIKES OUT
CHINATOWN
SHINE
WALK THE LINE
OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN
DEAD POETS SOCIETY
STAR WARS
Some TV shows and telefilms NOT to watch:
THE MARVIN GAYE STORY
THE BEACH BOYS STORY
Any CBS family comedy
Some unfriendly father plays:
ALL MY SONS
DEATH OF A SALESMAN (any Arthur Miller, actually)
LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT
Some books to avoid:
Any Bing Crosby biography
Any Frank Sinatra biography
LOVE STORY (for so many reasons)
Records to skip:
PAPA WAS A ROLLING STONE by the Temptations
BOY NAMED SUE by Johnny Cash
MY DAD by Paul Peterson
Any other suggestions are welcome.
Again, happy Father’s Day – the most sacred of the bullshit Hallmark holidays.
Friday, June 16, 2006
You have your spec, I have mine
I received a number of email requests from folks saying they missed Gina and other new people wondering who she was. Since it’s another fabulous low-traffic weekend I thought I’d reprise the post that introduced her. Subsequent chapters can be found in the February archives section if you’re interested.
******
The Sunday LA Times CALENDAR section ran a big article on the lack of great parts for women in features. It maintains that studios are reluctant to cast women in romantic comedy parts that shoulder the burden of comedy or make them appear unlikable. I can speak first hand that this is unfortunately true. A few years ago I thought it would be fun to write a balls-out R-rated comedy where the woman was the star. It’s always a man. Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Robin Williams, Rob Schneider( God help me). Why can’t a beautiful actress like Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, even Julia Roberts be the comic star? So I wrote the movie, I DREAM OF GINA, about an agoraphobic (Jimmy Fallon type) with a million neuroses who worships this goddess from afar, only to meet her and discover she is the wildest, raunchiest, most out-there girl on the planet. She winds up dragging him to Paris where adventures and hilarity ensues.
The screenplay was very well received. Several major producers wanted to be attached. I hooked up with one, developed it further with him, and when it was submitted to the studios they all passed saying, “we can’t cast it” and “she’s not likeable.”
With Lucy and Carole Lombard as my witnesses, I swear there’s no reason why women shouldn’t be given the chance to prove they’re just as funny or funnier than men.
******
Below is a sample of I DREAM OF GINA if you’re curious. Gina has just coaxed Hank (who has a fear of heights) to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
*****
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - DAY
The elevator rises to the top platform.
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - MOMENTS LATER
The elevator door opens and a throng of PEOPLE disembark, Gina first. Last off is a rather green Hank.
GINA
Atta boy. You were very brave. Mama's gonna give you a hummer. (then) So let's check out Paree. Would love to hock a loogie off this thing.
She crosses to the railing and spits through the fence.
GINA
(calling)
That's for the six cylinder Peugot!
Hank takes baby steps to join her. He peers over the side.
The entire city appears to be in miniature.
HANK
Oh God.
Hank gets a real blast of vertigo. He clutches the railing for support then begins sliding to the ground.
GINA
Y'know, I'm guessing you're one of those "therapy is for other people" kind of guys.
HANK
(covering)
It's okay. I'm fine. Just a little dehydrated. I could use some water.
GINA
You got it.
She quickly crosses to a French SECURITY GUARD.
GINA
Excuse me, is there a drinking fountain up here?
The guard gestures that he doesn't understand.
GINA
What? You don't speak English? (he looks at her blankly)
How could you not speak English? Who do you think comes to the top of the fucking Eiffel Tower?
HANK
(from the railing)
Uh...Gina. That's okay.
GINA
(to guard)
How many people from Hooterville do you think speak French? This man needs Perrier.
HANK
Not anymore. Really.
GINA
(to guard)
Here's two English words you better learn --(enunciating slowly) Ep-cot Cen-ter. (then) 'Cause that's where we'll all be, motherfucker.
Hank tries to get up but just can't.
HANK
Don't need the water. See? Look. I'm great.
The security guard calls for assistance.
GINA
What, you're going to call for help? Over this? God, that is so France. Well fine. I don't give a shit. Call your whole fucking army.
Two more SECURITY GUARDS join him.
GINA
You don't scare me. (taunting) ACHTUNG!
They begin shouting in French. She responds with a torrent of profanity.
HANK
Remember when I said my fantasy girl in Paris was Audrey Hepburn? Audrey Hepburn never said motherfucker!!
Gina is really into it now. A SMALL CROWD begins to gather. The shouting escalates. Finally:
SECURITY GUARD
That is it! We workers are now on strike! Stop the elevator!
HANK
WHAT?!
GINA
Hah! See I told you. You can speak English!
******
Sarah Silverman was born to play this role!!!
******
The Sunday LA Times CALENDAR section ran a big article on the lack of great parts for women in features. It maintains that studios are reluctant to cast women in romantic comedy parts that shoulder the burden of comedy or make them appear unlikable. I can speak first hand that this is unfortunately true. A few years ago I thought it would be fun to write a balls-out R-rated comedy where the woman was the star. It’s always a man. Will Ferrell, Jim Carrey, Mike Myers, Robin Williams, Rob Schneider( God help me). Why can’t a beautiful actress like Cameron Diaz, Reese Witherspoon, even Julia Roberts be the comic star? So I wrote the movie, I DREAM OF GINA, about an agoraphobic (Jimmy Fallon type) with a million neuroses who worships this goddess from afar, only to meet her and discover she is the wildest, raunchiest, most out-there girl on the planet. She winds up dragging him to Paris where adventures and hilarity ensues.
The screenplay was very well received. Several major producers wanted to be attached. I hooked up with one, developed it further with him, and when it was submitted to the studios they all passed saying, “we can’t cast it” and “she’s not likeable.”
With Lucy and Carole Lombard as my witnesses, I swear there’s no reason why women shouldn’t be given the chance to prove they’re just as funny or funnier than men.
******
Below is a sample of I DREAM OF GINA if you’re curious. Gina has just coaxed Hank (who has a fear of heights) to the top of the Eiffel Tower.
*****
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - DAY
The elevator rises to the top platform.
EXT. EIFFEL TOWER - OBSERVATION DECK - MOMENTS LATER
The elevator door opens and a throng of PEOPLE disembark, Gina first. Last off is a rather green Hank.
GINA
Atta boy. You were very brave. Mama's gonna give you a hummer. (then) So let's check out Paree. Would love to hock a loogie off this thing.
She crosses to the railing and spits through the fence.
GINA
(calling)
That's for the six cylinder Peugot!
Hank takes baby steps to join her. He peers over the side.
The entire city appears to be in miniature.
HANK
Oh God.
Hank gets a real blast of vertigo. He clutches the railing for support then begins sliding to the ground.
GINA
Y'know, I'm guessing you're one of those "therapy is for other people" kind of guys.
HANK
(covering)
It's okay. I'm fine. Just a little dehydrated. I could use some water.
GINA
You got it.
She quickly crosses to a French SECURITY GUARD.
GINA
Excuse me, is there a drinking fountain up here?
The guard gestures that he doesn't understand.
GINA
What? You don't speak English? (he looks at her blankly)
How could you not speak English? Who do you think comes to the top of the fucking Eiffel Tower?
HANK
(from the railing)
Uh...Gina. That's okay.
GINA
(to guard)
How many people from Hooterville do you think speak French? This man needs Perrier.
HANK
Not anymore. Really.
GINA
(to guard)
Here's two English words you better learn --(enunciating slowly) Ep-cot Cen-ter. (then) 'Cause that's where we'll all be, motherfucker.
Hank tries to get up but just can't.
HANK
Don't need the water. See? Look. I'm great.
The security guard calls for assistance.
GINA
What, you're going to call for help? Over this? God, that is so France. Well fine. I don't give a shit. Call your whole fucking army.
Two more SECURITY GUARDS join him.
GINA
You don't scare me. (taunting) ACHTUNG!
They begin shouting in French. She responds with a torrent of profanity.
HANK
Remember when I said my fantasy girl in Paris was Audrey Hepburn? Audrey Hepburn never said motherfucker!!
Gina is really into it now. A SMALL CROWD begins to gather. The shouting escalates. Finally:
SECURITY GUARD
That is it! We workers are now on strike! Stop the elevator!
HANK
WHAT?!
GINA
Hah! See I told you. You can speak English!
******
Sarah Silverman was born to play this role!!!
Thursday, June 15, 2006
NEXT?!
Dealing with rejection is never easy. Especially when starting out. Barry Diller (the Dali Lama of sharks) has the philosophy that when a deal falls through or is rejected, his automatic response is: “Next?!”
Writers need a thick skin, belief in themselves, and five times a week therapy (prom rebuffs linger large). The good news is if you’ve written a spec, all you need is one person to say yes. (I know, you could say that about the prom, too. Get over it already!)
I’ve saved all my rejection letters and wouldn’t you know, a number of the writers who initially said I sucked eventually submitted scripts to me looking for a job years later. (No, I didn’t just send back their rejection letters and flip flop the names…but I wanted to.)
Keep striving to improve, maybe find some constructive use in the rejection (if it’s offered and useful), but never let your worth be decided by someone else. Supposedly, Richard Wagner once wrote back to a critic who panned one of his works by saying (and I’m paraphrasing), “I am currently sitting on the toilet. At the moment your critique is in front of me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
I’ve written spec screenplays that have sold and others that haven’t. I used to ask my agent if they gave any reason for passing. I would hear such explanations as: too broad, not broad enough; too edgy, too soft; too familiar, too out there. And all these regarding the same script. My favorite rejection of all-time was from an idiot studio executive who said this about one of my screenplays:
“The writing was so good it almost fooled me into liking this script.”
How do you react to that other than laugh and drop him a note congratulating him on the success of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY? I no longer ask for explanations. I no longer even wait to hear the reaction on one project before launching into another. I don’t consider any of my screenplays rejected, just “not having sold yet”. (And portions of them make nifty blog entries. Thanks again for all the nice comments on I DREAM OF GINA.)
NEXT?!
Writers need a thick skin, belief in themselves, and five times a week therapy (prom rebuffs linger large). The good news is if you’ve written a spec, all you need is one person to say yes. (I know, you could say that about the prom, too. Get over it already!)
I’ve saved all my rejection letters and wouldn’t you know, a number of the writers who initially said I sucked eventually submitted scripts to me looking for a job years later. (No, I didn’t just send back their rejection letters and flip flop the names…but I wanted to.)
Keep striving to improve, maybe find some constructive use in the rejection (if it’s offered and useful), but never let your worth be decided by someone else. Supposedly, Richard Wagner once wrote back to a critic who panned one of his works by saying (and I’m paraphrasing), “I am currently sitting on the toilet. At the moment your critique is in front of me. In a moment it will be behind me.”
I’ve written spec screenplays that have sold and others that haven’t. I used to ask my agent if they gave any reason for passing. I would hear such explanations as: too broad, not broad enough; too edgy, too soft; too familiar, too out there. And all these regarding the same script. My favorite rejection of all-time was from an idiot studio executive who said this about one of my screenplays:
“The writing was so good it almost fooled me into liking this script.”
How do you react to that other than laugh and drop him a note congratulating him on the success of FROM JUSTIN TO KELLY? I no longer ask for explanations. I no longer even wait to hear the reaction on one project before launching into another. I don’t consider any of my screenplays rejected, just “not having sold yet”. (And portions of them make nifty blog entries. Thanks again for all the nice comments on I DREAM OF GINA.)
NEXT?!
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Springtime in Gotham
Back from New York. I was there all of spring – Sunday through Wednesday.
Can’t say enough about JetBlue. You’ve got to love an airline that announces “we’re now turning off the cabin lights so the flight attendants will appear more attractive.”
Arrived at JFK and drove into the city. That was an adventure. Even the Mapquest instructions said: “Don’t do it! Are you nuts? Didn’t you see BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES? You’re still better off with the cab driver with the turban.”
My purpose for the visit was to attend a table reading of the new musical I co-wrote with Janet Brenner called THE 60’s PROJECT. It’s a sweeping look at the events of the decade featuring the hit music of the era and embarrassing fashions. We open at the Goodspeed Theater in Connecticut in August (good tickets still available). Happy (and relieved) to report the reading went very well. It’s a little long so I think we’re going to cut 1966.
Unlike a TV sitcom table reading, only one actor kept us all waiting 45 minutes.
Unfortunately, the biggest laugh came not from one of our jokes but during Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit.” A cast member said, “When the men on the cheeseboard get up and tell you when to go.” We left it in.
The Mets have one of the best records in baseball and yet all you see are Yankee caps. Meanwhile, the Amazins are finally getting a new stadium to be erected in the parking lot of current eyesore Shea Stadium. Construction has begun, but since that area is always dug up, fans don’t realize it and are still parking there.
When the time comes they won’t have to demolish Shea Stadium, someone will just have to slam a door hard.
Julia Roberts play is closing this weekend. She wasn’t nominated for a Tony. You’ll never see her on Broadway again.
The big new trend is turning Hollywood movies into Broadway musicals. Up next are MARY POPPINS (after its insulin inducing run in London), LEGALLY BLOND, ELF, and (this is not a joke) GLADIATOR. What will the big show stopping number be? “Gonna kill me an emperor”?
Jogged around the Central Park reservoir (okay, I walked). Picking up little snippets of conversation between the tony Upper East side spandex challenged collagen moms I learned that the most powerful person in New York is not the mayor, it’s the Dalton Lower School Admissions Director.
Tuesday night my collaborator, Ms. Brenner, and I went to see HISTORY BOYS, which just won the Tony for Best Play. We hopped in a cab at 90th & Park Ave. at 6:10 to begin the fifteen minute ride downtown. Cutting through the park we discovered that due to a stabbing all traffic was diverted uptown. The first chance to escape the park was at110th on the Westside (in the Columbia or HARLEM district depending on your nationality).
The streets were gridlocked. Spring in New York is not heralded by the first robin but the first construction crew patching up post winter pot holes. So there are construction crews and reduced lanes EVERYWHERE.
Ms. Brenner said “There’s a subway.” I said, “You want a sandwich NOW?” I had forgotten there was a secondary use of the term subway – an underground transportation system. So we scrambled out of the cab ($25 to take us in the wrong direction) and hopped the C train at 110th, not realizing that the stabbing had occurred on the C train at 110th. We were hardly surprised though. Looking around our car, we were trapped with the cast of PRISON BREAK.
Finally got to Times Square (which is now the entire Vegas strip jammed into one block) at 7:30, just in time to wade through the population of Lincoln, Nebraska and Toledo, Ohio who were gawking at the ESPN-Zone, and make our curtain.
Alan Bennett’s HISTORY BOYS was extraordinary! It had it all – funny, compelling, lyrical, pedophilia. Julia Roberts should have been in THAT. Celebrity sightings included Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg (at the theatre, not in the subway), recent Tony winner Cynthia Nixon (which reminds me, I saw a great name for a restaurant: MEX IN THE CITY), Blythe Danner, O.C.’s Peter Gallagher, and the one that blew me away – singer/national treasure, Barbara Cook.
I’m sure I’ll see them all again at the opening of GLADIATOR. And at intermission they’ll all be humming “Take it to the Maximus”.
Post theatre we blew into Edie’s Starlight Diner, a 50’s style eatery with (gulp) aspiring Broadway stars as servers. I knew we were in big trouble when this very flamboyant little ferret in a car hop uniform grabbed the mike and said in the swishiest Jewish accent imaginable: “We didn’t have many singing waiters in Anatevka.” He then proceeded to sing “If I Were a Rich Man” setting Judaism and gay rights back two centuries.
No one in Manhattan has a dog. They all have these miniature little puff balls. I’m sure the stabber would be scared off by any one of ‘em. (“Stop that yipping! Anything but that yipping!”)
All in all a very productive trip. And someday I hope to return to see the Broadway opening of the 60’s PROJECT. And maybe coaxing Barbara Cook to sing “the Shoop Shoop Song” at the party.
Can’t say enough about JetBlue. You’ve got to love an airline that announces “we’re now turning off the cabin lights so the flight attendants will appear more attractive.”
Arrived at JFK and drove into the city. That was an adventure. Even the Mapquest instructions said: “Don’t do it! Are you nuts? Didn’t you see BONFIRE OF THE VANITIES? You’re still better off with the cab driver with the turban.”
My purpose for the visit was to attend a table reading of the new musical I co-wrote with Janet Brenner called THE 60’s PROJECT. It’s a sweeping look at the events of the decade featuring the hit music of the era and embarrassing fashions. We open at the Goodspeed Theater in Connecticut in August (good tickets still available). Happy (and relieved) to report the reading went very well. It’s a little long so I think we’re going to cut 1966.
Unlike a TV sitcom table reading, only one actor kept us all waiting 45 minutes.
Unfortunately, the biggest laugh came not from one of our jokes but during Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit.” A cast member said, “When the men on the cheeseboard get up and tell you when to go.” We left it in.
The Mets have one of the best records in baseball and yet all you see are Yankee caps. Meanwhile, the Amazins are finally getting a new stadium to be erected in the parking lot of current eyesore Shea Stadium. Construction has begun, but since that area is always dug up, fans don’t realize it and are still parking there.
When the time comes they won’t have to demolish Shea Stadium, someone will just have to slam a door hard.
Julia Roberts play is closing this weekend. She wasn’t nominated for a Tony. You’ll never see her on Broadway again.
The big new trend is turning Hollywood movies into Broadway musicals. Up next are MARY POPPINS (after its insulin inducing run in London), LEGALLY BLOND, ELF, and (this is not a joke) GLADIATOR. What will the big show stopping number be? “Gonna kill me an emperor”?
Jogged around the Central Park reservoir (okay, I walked). Picking up little snippets of conversation between the tony Upper East side spandex challenged collagen moms I learned that the most powerful person in New York is not the mayor, it’s the Dalton Lower School Admissions Director.
Tuesday night my collaborator, Ms. Brenner, and I went to see HISTORY BOYS, which just won the Tony for Best Play. We hopped in a cab at 90th & Park Ave. at 6:10 to begin the fifteen minute ride downtown. Cutting through the park we discovered that due to a stabbing all traffic was diverted uptown. The first chance to escape the park was at110th on the Westside (in the Columbia or HARLEM district depending on your nationality).
The streets were gridlocked. Spring in New York is not heralded by the first robin but the first construction crew patching up post winter pot holes. So there are construction crews and reduced lanes EVERYWHERE.
Ms. Brenner said “There’s a subway.” I said, “You want a sandwich NOW?” I had forgotten there was a secondary use of the term subway – an underground transportation system. So we scrambled out of the cab ($25 to take us in the wrong direction) and hopped the C train at 110th, not realizing that the stabbing had occurred on the C train at 110th. We were hardly surprised though. Looking around our car, we were trapped with the cast of PRISON BREAK.
Finally got to Times Square (which is now the entire Vegas strip jammed into one block) at 7:30, just in time to wade through the population of Lincoln, Nebraska and Toledo, Ohio who were gawking at the ESPN-Zone, and make our curtain.
Alan Bennett’s HISTORY BOYS was extraordinary! It had it all – funny, compelling, lyrical, pedophilia. Julia Roberts should have been in THAT. Celebrity sightings included Caroline Kennedy Schlossberg (at the theatre, not in the subway), recent Tony winner Cynthia Nixon (which reminds me, I saw a great name for a restaurant: MEX IN THE CITY), Blythe Danner, O.C.’s Peter Gallagher, and the one that blew me away – singer/national treasure, Barbara Cook.
I’m sure I’ll see them all again at the opening of GLADIATOR. And at intermission they’ll all be humming “Take it to the Maximus”.
Post theatre we blew into Edie’s Starlight Diner, a 50’s style eatery with (gulp) aspiring Broadway stars as servers. I knew we were in big trouble when this very flamboyant little ferret in a car hop uniform grabbed the mike and said in the swishiest Jewish accent imaginable: “We didn’t have many singing waiters in Anatevka.” He then proceeded to sing “If I Were a Rich Man” setting Judaism and gay rights back two centuries.
No one in Manhattan has a dog. They all have these miniature little puff balls. I’m sure the stabber would be scared off by any one of ‘em. (“Stop that yipping! Anything but that yipping!”)
All in all a very productive trip. And someday I hope to return to see the Broadway opening of the 60’s PROJECT. And maybe coaxing Barbara Cook to sing “the Shoop Shoop Song” at the party.
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