Saturday, July 01, 2006

In the news...

Some things I might be talking about with Elayne Boosler when we host the Stephanie Miller show Monday and Tuesday morning (consult your local listings and Sirius satellite radio):

At the Institute of Food Technologists (with home office probably in the corner booth of a Sizzler’s) on Tuesday, Professor Charles Bamforth presented objective scientific evidence that beer is much healthier than wine. Bamforth is Anheuser-Busch endowed Professor of Brewing Science at the University of California. Where does Norm Peterson get a job like that?

At the erotica convention recently in Los Angeles (the only convention where nobody registers using their real name) Pastor Craig Gross, who runs an anti-pornography ministry handed out “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” bibles. He’d like to see them in hotels but how much reading are you going to be doing when you only have the room for an hour?

Meanwhile, several Los Angeles city officials are outraged and embarrassed because Hooters is planning a bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets. “Hooters for Neuters” is what they’re calling it. So it’s okay to hold an erotica convention in the LA convention center but a fund raiser for a good cause is undignified. If it makes the city officials feel any better there are a lot of 40 year old men who still live with their mothers who think “Hooters for Neuters” is a night saluting them.

A research study has concluded that holding a cellphone to your head while being struck with lightening can cause serious injury. But at least the last sound you hear is your favorite itune.

And a Korean company has invented a cellphone with a breathalyzer, so you can check to see if you’re drunk before the cop does. Here’s how it works: users blow into a small spot on the phone, and if they’ve had too much to drink the phone issues a warning and dispenses hot coffee out of another small spot on the phone. Plus, the LP4100 model has this nifty feature: it also allows you to set up the phone so on certain nights and after a certain time it will block you from calling certain people in your address book. (e.g. ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, Marine recruiter, QVC, me.). And if you fail the blood alcohol test the only call it will let you make is to your wife.

Sometime in October the US population will reach 300,000,000. Still, no one will be watching the CW.

According to “experts” – if you are a woman and you’re wearing a bra, you are probably wearing the wrong size. Who are these “experts” and where do I apply? Apparently this is such a serious problem that Oprah has devoted two shows to it, going so far as to have dramatic “bra interventions”. What joke could I possibly make that’s as absurd as that??

The average American breast has grown from size 34D to 36C. Of course Pamela Anderson alone has shifted the national average.


Anonymous said...

Ken, how about if you break into Beaver Cleaver tomorrow and hit the post a couple times. Maybe play the Sylvers and bust out Boogie Fever for old times sake!

Stephen Gallagher said...

Pamela Anderson and some of those guys who ride around on motorised carts at science fiction conventions.

Mary Stella said...

LAs split decision that an erotica convention was okay, but Hooters for Neuters wasn't reminds me of the time my friend and I wanted to hire the obligatory male stripper for a friend's bridal shower.

We found a dancer who looked like David Lee Roth (her fav at the time). The bride-to-be loved clowns and had once applied to clown school. We thought that, instead of the old, tired "policeman" or "pizza delivery man" ruses, she'd never suspect that the clown delivering balloons was the male dancer.

Said male stripper wouldn't take the gig. Wearing a clown suit was, in his opinion, "too undignified". Alas, we had insulted the man's professional integrity.

Mary Stella said...

Ken, I have Sirius radio, but can't locate the right channel for the Stephanie Miller show. Do you know the channel number? Thanks!

Ann said...

Well, Ken, if you can't see that women wearing the wrong sized bra is a national crisis...

I mean, think about how cranky the wrong shoes make people, or if your briefs were too tight, Ken! Wouldn't exactly put you in *the mood* now would it? Maybe it's in a man's best interest to make sure his woman is wearing a perfectly comfortable bra.

Why, Oprah is providing a public service and, perhaps, preserving the species!

Mary--what a funny story!

By Ken Levine said...

Mary Stella,

I think it's channel 146.

Anonymous said...

Sometime in October the US population will reach 300,000,000. Still, no one will be watching the CW.

Not trying to prove your point, but wtf is CW?

Anonymous said...

Mike...the CW is the TV network formed from the merger of the WB and UPN.