How I'm spending my summer vacation...so far

Week one of rehearsal for the 60’s PROJECT is over. Here’s more info on the show from Playbill.com.

http://www.playbill.com/news/article/100830.html (Sorry I don't know how to hyperlink.)

This first week the principles learned their songs. It’s amazing. Most of these kids are Broadway veterans already and they can all sing, dance, read music, and I’m sure when we get up to Connecticut – drink and party.

Meanwhile, my co-writer, Ms. Brenner and I did one last polish of the script before the whole company converges on Monday. After all these months, I can’t wait to actually see and hear it on its feet. But I think the script is ready – and by that I mean “there’s nothing in there that we can’t fix.”

More than any project I’ve ever worked on, a musical is the ultimate collaborative effort. The music, choreography, script, direction, performances, design, visual effects, sound all has to come together. And more than that, the theater’s air conditioning needs to work. I’m sure the next three weeks of rehearsal will be hectic and hopefully not live up to the great Larry Gelbart line – “if Hitler’s still alive I hope he’s out of town with a musical.”

Talk to you from East Haddam, Connecticut.

Tomorrow: my review of PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN II.

The Emmys are only eight weeks away!

Have you been gripped with Emmy fever yet? Are you even aware that the nominations have been announced? I will be reviewing this year’s extravaganza on August 27th. For my weekend post, here is last year’s review:

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You know the Emmys are no longer a big deal when…

…they’re time delayed three hours to the only city that cares.

…The NY TIMES Arts & Leisure section today made absolutely no mention of them.

…No one watched last year’s comedy of the year even AFTER it won.

…WILL & GRACE receives even one nomination.

…Jerry Bruckheimer has won a ton of them.

…Donald Trump is a musical guest.

….And there are more shots of Les Moonves than Jennifer Garner .

Nevertheless, I’m filing my seventh annual bitchy Emmy Awards show review.

Let me be the first to say it because I’m sure a lot of other people will think of it too. LOST WON.

Everybody wore magnolias so they could acknowledge Hurricane Katrina since the television community is deeply concerned. Well, it turned out not everybody wore the magnolias. Maybe half. There’s only so much sacrifice you can ask of Hollywood.

Host Ellen DeGeneres said we now need to laugh. Fine. Then be funny!

Who better to review the outstanding TV season than Black Eyed Peas? I loved the shots of utter bewilderment by the celebrities in the audience. And maybe fear? I couldn’t tell.

And of course Earth, Wind, and Fiber to quote Ellen DeGeneres’ opening joke.

I always wondered what the image of a “cake left out in the rain” would look like. Seems it’s Marcia Cross’ dress.

Felicity Huffman so outclasses those other DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE hens that she’s not in the same show.

The best acting Teri Hatcher has ever done was holding her smile when Felicity won. I bet Ms. H will be a real beaut on the set tomorrow. Picture James Cagney learning his mother died in the prison scene of WHITE HEAT. Then double it.

So much for DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES sweeping the awards. I’m thrilled that an actual comedy won for Best Comedy. RAYMOND was deserving.

I’m always glad when Brad Garrett wins. His speeches are the funniest of any winner on any awards show. And he thanks the writers. I love this man.

Mitch Hurwitz didn’t thank the other writers of ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT even though the script that won for best writing was actually written by the entire staff. Nice.

Originally, the Academy was going to have the writer’s acceptance speeches pre taped, that’s how little regard they had for them. More time for Ellen DeGeneres’ lame bathroom bit.

Sorry that Jeremy Piven lost. He certainly deserved it. I imagine the academy didn’t even want someone PLAYING agent/satan Ari Emmanual to be honored.

Did Eva Longoria steal her gown from the King Tut exhibit?

The hat trick for Alan Alda. This year he lost an Oscar, Tony, and now an Emmy. Maybe his new book can lose a Pulitzer.

William Shatner won an Emmy for playing himself.

“Emmy Idol”??? Was there a writers’ strike I didn’t know about? Because that’s the kind of hilarious idea that insurance actuaries come up with. It was embarrassing…even for the Emmys.

Donald Trump’s singing number was maybe the nadir of the 57 year history of the Emmy awards. And he won “Emmy Idol”. Again, thank you, Red States.

Hugh Jackman is what Craig Ferguson tries to be.

Excellence in television was put into perspective when a YES, DEAR promo appeared on the Awards show.

Wish the Blue Man Group would have sung “Green Acres”.

Glad THE AMAZING RACE won but is there a bigger stiff host than “Phil”? How unbelievably bad were the guys he beat out in auditions?

When Blythe Danner won for HUFF, 99% of America said “What’s HUFF?”

Blythe Danner was the first winner to acknowledge New Orleans. And even better, to protest the war. I officially take back all the things I said about her doing FOLLIES.

Blythe was nominated three times. I’m sorry she only won once. With more acceptance speeches she might have gotten around to how incompetent Bush is and how the public is being raped by the oil companies.

The next winner to acknowledge New Orleans was director Stephen Hopkins…an hour and a half later.

But some people wore magnolias. Well…a few. But they were big. You could really see ‘em.

Debra MESSsing’s hairstyle looked better on Bobby Rydell.

Wow, Paul Newman and I now have the same award.

Doesn’t Jane Alexander play a Roosevelt every year? Next year she’ll win for the Roosevelt Grier story.

Kristen Bell singing FAME made us forget Irene Cara.

I just love that someone named Bucky Gunts won.

I hope Doris Roberts bringing her grandchildren on stage doesn’t start a trend. Next year James Spader might bring up a hundred cats.

Interesting that David Letterman introduced the wonderful Johnny Carson tribute and not Jay Leno who is the host of the TONIGHT SHOW.

Best line of the night: Doris Roberts “I’ve been drunk since the wrap party”.

Next year can the FAMILY GUY host the show and be all the presenters?

Even the seat fillers were bored. Lots of empty seats and people are PAID to occupy them.

Instead of having a CSI actor mangle the theme for the JEFFERSONS, why not use the actual singer, who gets no recognition and can actually sing?

I’m especially thrilled that David Shore won for writing HOUSE since I was on the blue ribbon committee and that was my choice. The writing was as brilliant as any Tony award winning play.

If Halle Berry had worn that blue dress in CATWOMAN more than seven people might have gone to see it. They still would have hated it but at least they’d be in the theatre.

I hope Halle had a driver tonight. Losing and going to parties serving lots of alcohol? No pedestrian is safe.

All winners should lose their acceptance speeches down their jumpers like S. Epatha Merkerson. Finally some spontaneity and genuine emotion…and laughs.

Were the gowns just better this year or was it that they were worn by the casts of GREY’S ANATOMY and THE O.C.?

When you watch the “In Memoriam” feature don’t you always wonder who’s going to be last? Whose death was greater than the other deaths?

The tribute to the news anchors was elegant and very moving. But I’m surprised that since the telecast was on CBS that Julie Chen wasn’t included.

Offstage announcer: “In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina, the Academy invites you to go to CBS.COM where you can see bios of all the new SURVIVOR contestants.”

Patricia Arquette looked like Burt Lahr, the cowardly lion in WIZARD OF OZ. What was with that hair? I did like her dress falling off though.

Nice of Channel 2 in LA to show her standing with her Emmy in a promo – before she actually won it on the show.

The shocker was Frances Conroy not winning for SIX FEET UNDER.

How did James Spader beat Hugh Laurie and Ian McShane? How could that happen?

James Spader is getting so large he’s becoming William Shatner.

And finally, what flower can we give everybody to remember the poor men and women on the DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES crew who will be destroyed and ravaged by Hurricane Teri?

Feedback from yesterday

First of all, thanks to all those of you who participated in the punch line exercise. Some great jokes pitched and also some jokes that fell into traps I’ll discuss.

A number of people commented on Julie W.’s, which were all fabulous. In case you missed them:


EARL: Raylene, it's good to see you, but if you didn't get your braces off yet, I gotta pass.

CURB: Hi. Charlie Sheen's place is actually two doors down. Both Mediterraneans, though. Understandable mistake - happens all the time. (as she starts to get up) You know what? Why don't you take the sheets with you? They're Italian. Very soft. (beat) And the pillowcases. (beat) And the pillows.

KING: Is my wife under the covers with you oh dear God please say yes.

FAMILY: This reminds me of the time Richard Gere paid me a thousand dollars to spend the weekend with him in a fancy hotel suite.
cut to:
Richard Gere and Peter (dressed as Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman") in the lobby of the Regent Beverly Wilshire. Richard opens a jewelry box. Peter reaches in delicately to take the necklace. Richard snaps the box closed on his hand. But instead of laughing adorably like Julia did... PETER: "Ow! What the hell? You son of a bitch, that hurt!" RICHARD: "I'm sorry. I... I thought it would be cute. PETER: "Well, it was not, Richard. It was not."

There were other equally good lines contributed too. But all of Julie’s were fresh, funny, within the contexts of those shows, and generally had offbeat unexpected spins.

Here are a few of the traps. I point these out only to identify them so they can be avoided in the future, especially in specs.

I purposely used a hooker in the set up to establish a possible taste trap. With a sexual reference you need to deftly be funny without going over the line. Mentions of 69 and Chlamydia cross that line. If you think a reader might say “Yikes!” when he reads a joke, lose it. Same with the Jewish and ethnic jokes. There’s a fine line between outrageous and inappropriate, even for an out-there show like FAMILY GUY. One contributor pitched a Holocaust joke that NO show would EVER do. Come on. Use your better judgement.

Some people went for the obvious character traits. Earl and his list for example. If it’s the first thing you think of, stop, take a moment, and see if there is something fresher.

Some were too long. One contributor even acknowledged it. The shorter, the better.

Name mentions in general can be a trap. They date the show. That’s one of the problems with MURPHY BROWN in syndication. Willard Scott jokes and Dan Quayle jokes don’t hold up.

There were a number of jokes pitched that quite frankly I didn’t even get. Either they were convoluted or illogical or just weird. If you write a spec, have some friends read it before sending it out. If there are jokes they don’t understand don’t explain them to them. Replace them with clearer jokes.

Did you notice how much easier it was to come up with jokes for Earl and Larry rather than Doug? That’s because Earl and Larry and better defined comic characters, with very well conceived personas. Doug is sort of just, well…a guy. When creating your characters keep that in mind. Peter is easy to write for also because he’s a cartoon and not constrained by reality. But sometimes too much freedom can be worse than too little. There’s a danger of being too silly, too outrageous, too forced.

Again, thanks to all who participated. And you’re welcome to keep participating. And watch these four shows to see if they lift any of the lines pitched.

We need a line for Earl, Larry, Doug, or Peter

The NEW YORKER has a contest where readers are invited to submit captions to cartoons. I’ve entered this several times, have never been chosen as a finalist and usually think the captions they do select are as lame as Bazooka Bubblegum comics.

But it gave me an idea.

As a grand experiment, I thought today I would institute a comedy writers’ punch line contest. Except I have nothing to give away and therefore don’t want to pick a winner. But I will offer some feedback to the entries.

This could either be a lot of fun or a colossal bust. Submit your entries in the comments section.

And just to make it more interesting, I’ll give you essentially the same set up for four different style shows. It’s not just writing jokes, it’s about tailoring to the characters and style of the show. Do as many or few of the shows as you want.

So here goes:

VERSION ONE: MY NAME IS EARL

Earl enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Earl says?????

VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM

Larry enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Larry says?????

VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS

Doug enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Doug says????

VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY

Peter enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Peter says????

Have fun. Be funny.

My All-Star game review

It figured that Fox started the broadcast by showing girls in a hot tub. Nothing says “Play Ball” better than wet bikinis.

The best part of the “Mid Summer’s Classic” was being able to see a game at glorious PNC Stadium without the Pirates playing.

You have to feel sorry for the National League. This is now like kicking your dog.

Not to second guess NL skipper, Phil “I look like one of the inmates on PRISON BREAK” Garner, but he had the tying run on second with two outs and sent Carlos Lee, a .290 hitter to the plate while Normar Garciaparra, who has the league's leading average and after the 7th is batting over .400 is left sitting on the bench.

There’s a new nerd statistic called WPA (Winning Performance After) which measures how clutch each player’s performance is to his team. Nomar Garciaparra’s is through the roof. Guess who has one of the lowest in all of baseball. Yep. All-Star A-Rod.

Would anyone like to guess what color Tim McCarver’s hair is? He gave his usual performance of telling us nothing but the obvious in the most overstated way while mis-identifying or mispronouncing every player he named.

The American League team should have just been named “the Chicago White Sox and Friends”. I think every member of the Palehose made the All-Star squad except Jeff Nelson.

Why would anyone in their right mind keep score of an All-Star game? And that goes for the announcers.

I know we’re supposed to care who wins because of home field advantage in the World Series (yeah, those Tampa Ray Devil Rays and Kansas City Royals were really playing their hearts out for that prize) but truthfully, I couldn’t give a shit. Plus, I’m still so thrilled France lost the World Cup that nothing else matters.

It was fun seeing the two Yankees on the left side of the infield and two Red Sox on the right. And Big Papi played a damn good first base.

For the protection of the American public, Fox was allowed to televise the game in HD only because Randy Johnson wasn’t in it.

How come Los Angeles hasn’t hosted the All-Star game since 1980? Lasorda is no longer managing. It’s safe to come back!

Nice job by Brad Penny, throwing at 98 miles an hour. With the Dodgers he throws one pitch over 86, hurts his side and is out for the year.

Searing question by Jeannie Zelasko to David Wright’s father upon learning David was once in a food fight: “Was it colorful?” I'm sure they're grooming her for Fox News.

Just when you thought Fox coverage couldn’t get any more repugnant than that insipid animated baseball, they unveil the “Shoulders, knees, and toes” nursery rhyme. KIDS AREN’T WATCHING!! The game is on at 10 at night. Commercials are for FLOMAX to shrink enlarged prostates. Treat fans with at least a modicum of respect.

The Future’s Game is a great idea. It really gives you a preview of the big league stars of tomorrow. But why hold it on the Sunday before the All-Star game when no one is watching and it’s competing with a full slate of ML games? Wouldn’t it be better to play it on Wednesday when there is absolutely NO major sports going on?

If they wanted to make the Home Run Derby really count for something they should award the winner a year’s bye on steroid testing.

David Ortiz said the Home Run Derby would never mess up his swing because, in his own eloquent words, “I swing out of my butt all the time”.

Great not to see Barry Bonds although I always enjoy the hostile reception he receives. And he’s probably hated more in Pittsburgh than anywhere else.

Congratulations to AL skipper, Ozzie Guillan for going the entire All-Star week without calling anyone a fag. And kudos to Joe Buck for not asking what he thought of the Tony Awards.

On my best day I will never be as good a baseball announcer as Joe Buck on his worst day. Another excellent job. And his work in those Holiday Inn commercials proves he’s a better comic actor than anyone on a Fox comedy.

I love that there was a tribute to Roberto Clemente BUT NOT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FRIGGIN’ GAME!! And has commissioner Bud Selig EVER washed his hair? I especially enjoyed when he got his foot caught in the mic cord. Had he taken a header, THAT would have been the time to play “Shoulders, knees, and toes”.

The game was pretty boring until the 9th inning. Normally I love a pitching duel but not in an All-Star game.

Great clutch hit by the All-Star most people never heard of – Michael Young. Maybe that’s because he’s on the Texas Rangers and when was the last time a Texas Rangers’ game was on national television? I think when they were in the playoffs a few years ago but even then I can’t be sure.

The MVP Award looked like the crystals Lex Luthor stole out of Superman’s Fortress of Solitude.

Now that the American League has home field advantage yet again, I think to make the World Series the least bit competitive the American League would have to win 4 of 7 to become champions and the National League would have to win 2.

See you next summer in…I dunno, I’m assuming any park but Dodger Stadium.

A writer's tragedy

From Technodirt.com comes this story that is the screenwriter’s version of the Darwin Awards. Apparently some guy wrote three screenplays (with the delightful titles of COLOR OF TULIP, BLOOD ON ICE, and – keeping with the theme – BLOOD ON SEVEN HILLS). He claims that at one point he was in negotiations to sell the screenplays for $2.7 million. But the talks went nowhere. So he ended up with nothing. Ohh??? There’s no middle ground between $2.7 and nothing?? But that’s not the point.

He later signed up for DSL and the technician installing it “cleaned up some unused items on his desktop” which included -- oh no! - the screenplays.

Oooops!

Data recovery was only partially successful in retrieving them. So the guy sued, claiming the screenplays were worth MILLIONS. He lost. And the jury felt he was also at fault FOR NOT MAKING A BACKUP OF SUCH “VALUABLE” FILES!

Ooooops!

I also question why the skeesix didn’t have a single printed copy. How did he submit them to these potential million dollar buyers? Did he make them come over to his house and read off his screen?

Always backup your scripts. I do it every time I finish a writing session. I also backup my hard drive weekly, and sometimes email the working draft to myself just to be triple sure.

Nothing’s going to stop me from breaking the bank when I sell my latest screenplay -- BLOOD ON MAPQUEST DIRECTIONS TO PISMO BEACH.

MASH spinoff flipout

This is one of my favorite MASH pranks. I wish I had pulled it.

In those days we never had to get story approval from the network. All they asked is that we provide one or two sentence log lines for each episode (like what you’d see in TV Guide). Often we’d be tardy and eventually send them seven or eight at a time, usually after the fact.

In the 8th season, John Rappaport was one of the producers. CBS hounded him for the story synopses and he eventually complied. For one he wrote “Hawkeye is distraught when he learns of the stateside death of his good friend, Trapper.”

The network went nuts. They frantically called and said, “You can’t do that story!” Feigning innocence, John asked “why not?” “Because we have a show premiering in September called TRAPPER JOHN, M.D.” they said. John shrugged and asked why it was his problem. The network rep insisted they can’t do that episode. John said, “But we’ve already shot it.” The network almost exploded. Finally, to prevent any heart attacks, John revealed it was just a joke.

That story could never happen today because most networks demand that show runners send them not just the log lines but full detailed outlines to be approved. I just keep thinking back to the days when there was little or no network interference and it seems to me those shows turned out sort of okay. Good enough for there to be a TVLand. I fear the comedy shows of today will have to rerun years from now on TVLandMine.

New York SATISFACTION

Since I'm in a New York frame of mind...heading there Sunday, here's one of my Gotham travelogues from trips gone by.

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There's an organization called the "Fifth Night Theatre" that stages screenplay readings at the Nuyorican Cafe in the East Village. If selected they provide a casting director, press release, cassette recording, and that theatre that no one can pronounce. I submitted a spec movie I had written called SATISFACTION and it was selected. On Tuesday, May 4h it was performed. Thus my recent trip to Gotham.

Stayed at the Regal Royal which is a fabulous hotel. Every room is a suite. Which was particularly nice because it rained the entire trip. Since the Mariners were in town over the following weekend I decided to stay. I'd much rather spend a ridiculous amount of money for a hotel room for four days than have to drive once to Anaheim.

My partner David flew in for the reading. My agents did not. One of the reasons for doing this was to attract potential buyers. And agents can be helpful to that end. (although in general I consider them "Entertainment Terrorists"). They wanted to come but one of their more important clients needed his laundry picked up they had to stay in LA and do that instead. But they did send me a nice note saying that the agency wished me good luck. That's earning their 10%.

I went to the Cafe for rehearsal. The cab deposited me at 236 E. 3rd Street. Okay, I wasn't expecting Broadway but this was a SLUM. A lot of important movie executives are going to come down here on a Tuesday night in the rain. I was early and no one was around. I went from hoping my reading would be successful to hoping I'd get out of there alive. Finally people started arriving and I got my first look at the Nuyorican Cafe (pronounced: Calf-ay). It was this dive beatnik club. Tiny stage, small wooden tables and chairs. And of course, in a neighborhood that NY Guardian Angels are afraid to enter.

My cast started arriving promptly around 2 or 2:30. Some I knew. Chip Zien, who was on ALMOST PERFECT, Lisa LoCicero who should be having the career Paula Marshall is having, and Dan Ingram. This movie is about radio and I was told I needed someone to read the stage directions. When asked whom I wanted I immediately blurted out Dan Ingram. For 40 years he's been a NY institution, 20 of those years on WABC. His timing and humor is truly brilliant. Dan agreed to participate and I am honored.

The rest of the cast was....alright. It's odd to meet them the day of the performance. Some were better than others. A few were just awful. None were whom I would have picked. One I had to gently give this note after an acting choice he made: "No. Anything but THAT". We rehearsed that afternoon, I took them all out to dinner, and then the guests began filing in. Several friends. My sister-in-law and her husband, assorted lower level movie execs from lower level independent studios, and assorted members of the general public (like there's no other entertainment in New York City that they'd want to see THIS??). As they took their seats a sudden wave of fear engulfed me. What if my movie is horrible? I've been to bad table readings. It's the worst 20 minutes of your life. Like having your teeth drilled while inside an MRI tube. And that's just 20 minutes! My movie is two hours. Thoughts flooded my head. What do I need this humiliation for? I'm not getting paid for this? What if Lisa LoCicero gets a better offer in the middle of the show?

The evening began with a short film. It was supposed to be funny but was ghastly. Imagine Pat Summeral doing a warm up. Now I was really panicked.

The actors took the stage, Dan began reading, and suddenly I heard laughter. I was in the clear. Thanks primarily to Dan and Chip the reading went extremely well. I had a drink with my cast and celebrated by going back to the room and rewriting until 9 a.m.

As for the movie execs, they all said get a great bankable cast and they would make the movie. I said "But how do I get a cast if I can't tell them I have a studio committed to making the movie?" They smiled and left.

I'm happy to report that only two people walked out in the middle. My relatives.

The rest of the week was a blur. Highlights included a Peter Lugar steak with the Mariners broadcast crew, lunch with Neil Sedaka, and Thursday morning from 10:15 to 10:26 when it didn't rain.

If you know of a bankable cast please email me back.

Emmy chads

I’m on my way to New York this weekend to begin rehearsals for the musical I co-wrote, the 60’s PROJECT that premieres August 10th at the Goodspeed Theatre somewhere in Connecticut. Weekday daily posts will continue. I assume there will be internet access in Connecticut. This weekend’s rant continues on the theme of the Emmys.

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Lots of articles in the last couple of days about the nominees (such as they are) and the new voting method that created this mess. If it’s any comfort, the Television Academy’s voting procedures have ALWAYS been screwy.

Years ago, blue ribbon panels selected the winners among the five finalists. A small group of volunteers would give up a weekend to gather in a hotel meeting room, screen all the entries, then vote. (Can you imagine drawing the Mini-series category – five seven-hour epics? That’s the kind of sentence you want to give to the Enron defendants. I bet the Mini-series that was shortest always won.)

One year we wrote an episode of CHEERS that was nominated. As it turned out, we had two friends on the blue ribbon committee. Both called after they had voted and said we had definitely won. Our show got more laughs, more buzz, everyone was talking about it. They also questioned why a WONDER YEARS was a nominee because it was more dramatic than comedic.

For the first time I actually prepared a speech. And rented a tuxedo that fit.

We lost….

,,,to the WONDER YEARS.

And it was the first category of the night so we had to sit through the next three agonizing hours of musical tributes to local disaster coverage, and Rosie O'Donnell.

Now, in fairness, THE WONDER YEARS might’ve been a terrific script but it wasn’t a comedy.

The next day I received numerous calls from irate people I had never met saying they were on the blue ribbon panel and something happened. We were robbed. We should demand a recount or audit. But of course, what would be the point of that? Uncover some shenanigans and make them take the Emmy away from the WONDER YEARS writer and give it to us? There was nothing we could do. We were Al Gore.

A year or so later there was some talk about adding a “Dramedy” category because it seemed unfair that funny shows had to compete with heartstring shows. Hmmmm? Wonder why that popped up all of a sudden? Nothing ever came of it.

But for any of these industry award shows I’m always suspicious because none of these Academies are ever held accountable for their results. And since the REAL creativity in Hollywood is what they can do with numbers (FORREST GUMP is supposedly still in the red, don’tcha know), it’s little wonder that the awards are as bogus as the industry bookkeeping.

Maybe the winners should all thank Karl Rove.

My Emmy Vice

This year’s Emmy nominations have been announced. Some random initial thoughts:

How can LOST win last year, have an even better season this year and not even be nominated for Best Drama?

Same with last year’s winners James Spader, Felicity Huffman, and Patricia Arquette (okay, her I get).

I love that DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES was not nominated for either Best Comedy or Best Drama. Maybe Best Sophomore Disappointment? And none of the divas were nominated either (although Felicity Huffman should have been). Expect Teri Hatcher to terrorize her domestic staff and go on a sixty day tantrum.

After the scene where Tommy rapes his wife, say goodbye to ANY Emmys for Denis Leary and RESCUE ME. That’s jumping an entire school of sharks.

And I guess the bloom is off the rose for NIP/TUCK (now so weird it’s entered Bjork country) and THE SHIELD. But Forrest Whittaker deserved not just a nomination but to win.

James Gandolfini was not nominated for Best Actor in a Drama but Chris Meloni was???

Alfre Woodard is the Meryl Streep of the TV Academy. If she were in a mini-series about Little Eva she’d be nominated.

How come PRISON BREAK’S Tea Bag wasn’t recognized by the Academy?

And what a piss poor year for comedy. The nominees are:

ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT – No one watched. And not nearly as good as it’s been in the past. This is like the All-Star balloting when fans select players who are hitting .205 or on the Disabled List yet get votes anyway based solely on reputation. If it loses (which it will) can we FINALLY stop hearing about AD? Please? Pleeeeeease?

CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM – Most uneven, worst season ever. I suspect I’ll get some angry comments but I stand by that statement. Other than scalping tickets for High Holiday services I didn’t laugh once this year. And in seasons past I was often in stitches.

THE OFFICE – Should be the winner. More smiles than laughs but that still puts it way ahead of the field. And what a concept? Cast the show with FUNNY people. Not Paula Marshall.

SCRUBS -- Glad to see the Academy recognizing this show even though NBC obviously doesn’t. Seen better days. And now there’s a better version – it’s called GREY’S ANATOMY.

TWO AND A HALF MEN -- Best of the retro multi-camera old-familiar-rhythm sweetened laugh track sitcoms but that’s like saying Shasta is the best of the fake colas.

Interesting what comedies were NOT nominated: WILL & GRACE (now if they could just rescind all the times it WAS nominated), MY NAME IS EARL (great pilot then 23 faint carbons of it), EVERYONE HATES CHRIS (they’ll blame being on UPN but that’s not why), ENTOURAGE (there must be too many former Ari Emmanuel clients now in the Academy), and HOW I MET YOUR MOTHER (the Emperor’s new sitcom).

For Best Animated Series: Good luck to FOSTER’S HOME FOR IMAGINERY FRIENDS going against FAMILY GUY and the SIMPSONS.

This has to be the first year since 1947 that James Burrows didn’t get the obligatory directing nomination just for entering. Although he did deserve an acting nomination for his role in THE COMEBACK.

Most of the actors and actresses nominated for “Best Guest Stars” were playing themselves. They should just call the award “Best Stunt Casting”.

Most absurd nomination (maybe EVER): Stockard Channing for OUT OF PRACTICE, playing Kelsey Grammer on crack. Were voters confusing funny with scary???

Larry David was nominated but I thought he played himself better in other years.

Cheryl Hines for Best Actress in a COMEDY? Larry David’s REAL wife is funnier. Bill Clinton’s real wife is funnier.

There should also be a new category for “Best Packaging in For Consideration DVD’s.” Each year they get more and more elaborate. I was relieved when the 24 DVD didn’t come in a nerve gas canister.

And finally, I hope THE DAILY SHOW wins for everything, even in categories it’s not nominated for.

Good luck to all the nominees (except Stockard Channing). I’ll be reviewing the Emmys on August 27th. And if you think I’m bitchy now…

the CHEERS names not everyone knows

One CHEERS question I’m often asked is “who are those guys? meaning the other barflies. Here a few of the more notable ones.

Al Rosen -- the old rummy. He was really a championship TV wrestler back in the 50’s. The first line he was ever given was a one word punch line. “Sinatra!” From then on he was known as MAN WHO SAID SINATRA. That was his official character name. Al sometimes needed two or three takes to get his line right but it was always worth it. In one episode we wrote (“the Big Kiss Off”), he was supposed to come out of the back and deliver a joke. The first two takes he went up on the line. The third take he was perfect and got a big laugh. One problem though. In the first two takes he enters holding a drink. In the third he doesn’t but is holding his hand as if he DID have a drink in it. It looks totally bizarre, but we went with it because he got the line right.

The older gentleman always referred to as Phil -- that’s Phil Perlman, Rhea’s dad. Once we started giving him lines he listed himself in the credits as Philip Perlman.

Tom Babson wound up becoming a semi-regular. Cliff was always ragging on him for attending law school. Tom at various times was listed as “Tom”, “Tom Babson”, “Tom Ballard”, “Customer #1”, and “Barney”. But you may know him from KNOTS LANDING where he played “Man”.

In the later years, “Paul” also became a semi regular. He’s Paul Willson, a gifted comic actor and one of the greatest improv artists I have EVER seen. I put him up there with Robin Williams. I feel bad for Paul because we finally built an episode around him but it was the second to the last one of the series. He pops up on a lot of shows. Always funny.

One of the great sports columnists of all-time, Alan Malamud, sat at the bar for eight or nine shows. Local LA sportscaster, Steve Bailey, had a drink from time to time, as well.

I show up in only one scene in one episode, the last Bar Wars.

All of the customers hoped that their parts would expand and become a series regulars as what happened with John Ratzenberger and George Wendt. It was never to be.

And then there’s the bar patron who was supposed to be a series regular and wound up as just an extra. In the pilot from time to time you see an old woman in the background. This was “Mrs. Littlefield”, a colorful politically opinionated spinster. She had a number of lines in the pilot. But the show was long, her character didn’t really score, and her part was cut. All that remains are a few shots of her here and there.

And finally, in a few episodes my father plays an extra. You’ll see him hitting on 25 year old women. My idea. Mom was thrilled.

Radio daze

Thanks again to Elayne Boosler, Rebekah (our producer), and Jeff, (our spark chaser) for making the last two days on the radio such a pleasure. And to the very trusting Stephanie Miller who’s worked so hard to build a large national audience only to leave it to me.

I’ve always loved radio yet hated how transient it is. Like anyone who’s been on the air for more than five minutes, I’ve been fired repeatedly. And today, as I look back nostalgically on my checkered radio career, I am reminded of these events:

I was fired from KSEA in San Diego in 1974 six days before Christmas when the station changed formats and blew out the whole staff. Our promotion at the time: “Christmas the way it was meant to be.”

I was fired from K100 in Los Angeles in 1974. The program director really let me down easy. He called me into his office, didn’t even bother closing the door, and said, “We’re making some changes, babe, and you’re one of ‘em.” Nice.

I was fired from KMEN in San Bernardino in 1973. At first they didn’t want to. It’s not that they wanted me to stay, they wanted me to quit. That way they wouldn’t have to pay any unemployment insurance. So they demoted me to the all-night show. I told the program director to just fire me. Nope, he said. Show up at midnight. Which I did. We were a high energy top 40 station. At 12:30 I said on the air, “Y’know, a lot of stations are playing albums these days. They’re really the cool thing. So I’d like to play an album.” I then played the FIDDLER ON THE ROOF album (Yiddish version) in its entirety. It took the program director fifteen minutes to drive to the station to fire me…and finish my six hour shift.

When KYA San Francisco gave me the heave-ho (new station owners, new direction) they did so while I was on active duty with the reserves. That’s illegal. I almost had to call the Adjutant General’s office to get my severance. When the station manager learned he had to pay me he became enraged and yelled, “I know your type. You’re the type that likes to hang around the coffee machine!” Huh??? What??? He was soon relieved of coffee machine privileges himself.

I did weekends on top 40 Los Angeles powerhouse, KFI, in the early 80’s. In that case I quit the station to devote my fulltime energy to CHEERS. Two years later another disc jockey appeared on that station calling himself Ken Levine. Since the station went to the expense of making a Ken Levine jingle they decided to just re-use the name. I called AFTRA (announcers’ toothless union) and was told there was nothing they could do. For almost a year someone else was on the radio as me. If only he had taken my place in the Army and on the MARY show, too.

And finally, I was doing Saturday nights on TenQ in Los Angeles in 1978 while serving as head writer on MASH. After a truly fun year our program director got the boot. He called me at home to say he didn’t know if any other changes were forthcoming but “I should be okay because I had that MASH thing to hold me over.” Right, thank God for MASH to keep me afloat until my next four hour a week at minimum union wage job came through.

Interestingly, the only way I was able to get respect in radio was to get out of it. Once I was writing for television, suddenly all the bits and jokes I told on the air that resulted in memos to “shut up and just play the music!” were replaced with “hilarious! Just keep doing what you’re doing!” EXACT same jokes and bits.

But all the craziness was worth it for the good times. When I was at K100, I followed one of my disc jockey idols, the Real Don Steele. He had dominated the LA market in the 60’s as one of the KHJ Boss Jocks. Now he was on this insignificant little FM, working his own control board, battling equipment failures, headphones feeding back, low ratings, etc.. He once said to me, “Beaver (yes, that was my air name back then – Beaver Cleaver), do you ever wonder why I, the Real Don Steele, would be sitting in this shithole?” He gazed out the window at the Hollywood skyline and said, “Because when it was good, it was REALLY good.”

And these last two mornings it was just that.

Happy 4th of July!!

I’ll be celebrating by getting up at 4 in the morning again to go on the radio (co-hosting the Stephanie Miller show with Elayne Boosler). But it will be worth it if I can keep even one person from going out and buying home fireworks.

How many fingers and eyebrows do we have to lose? How many trailer parks have to burn down before people learn?

What parent in his right mind with children would set off something called a 12 inch “strike force missile”? Or a “Mad Dog”, “Bazooka Bear”, “Titanium Cracker”, “Dragon’s Wrath”, “Big Mama Jama”, “Brutal Force”,“Nuke Power”, “Pull String Grenade”, “Assorted Color Ammo Smoke”, “Caliber Blast”, “Car Bomb”, “Big Earthquake”, “Jumboshell Fountain”, “Pyrogyro”, “Cracker Jack in a Box”, “Deadly Fire”, “Battle of New Orleans”, “Pay Back”, “Mucho Grande – small” (isn’t that an oxymoron?), “Air Raid”, or of course the ever popular “So X*@! Good”?

Explain to me where these are “safe and SANE”.

Better to go to a city park, ballpark, or Steven Spielberg’s house. Enter a 5K race, cheer on a parade and pray that the grand marshall is someone more impressive than Bob Sagett.

Have a wonderful day. Display your flag proudly. And celebrate the greatness that was America – 1776 to 2000.

Review: SUPERMAN RETURNS

If you want to hear me and Elayne Boosler co-host the Stephanie Miller Show on Mon and Tues and there's no affiliate in your area, you can listen by going to http://wavz.com/main.html. At some point I'll be giving my review of SUPERMAN RETURNS. It'll sound a little bit like this:

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The first three hours of SUPERMAN RETURNS were pretty good. The last two were unnecessary.

In this version Superman had two secret identities – Clark Kent and Jesus Christ. We got the analogy.

It was very exciting and well made but I couldn’t stop thinking -- $250 million dollars, nine or ten scripts, four or five directors for THIS??

They should have gotten Brad Bird to write this. Everything SUPERMAN RETURNS did wrong he did right in THE INCREDIBLES.

This was the graceful Superman. The Man of Steel and Ballet.

Kate Bosworth was the stupidest Lois Lane EVER (which is saying something considering Margot Kidder wandered through people’s backyards for days not knowing who she was). As I’m sure you’re aware from all the articles, Superman returns after a five year absence. And amazingly, so does Clark Kent…on the same day. Yet ace reporter Lois Lane sees absolutely no connection. (Sidebar: If you’re dumb enough to buy Teri Hatcher’s book you realize you’re getting life lessons from Lois Lane?)

When you can finally buy the DVD of this (probably on Thursday) it might be fun to play the drinking game every time Lois hits her head against something.

Maybe the world didn’t miss Superman for the five years he was gone because we have Jack Bauer.

The flying effects were great. But it’s still wrong to not have that whistling wind whoosh when Superman streaks across the sky.

I missed Gene Hackman.

Brandon Routh makes Dean Cain look edgy.

George Reeves is the Sean Connery of Supermen.

Director Bryan Singer said there was an in-depth discussion during pre-production on the size of the hero’s “package”. My question to Mr. Singer: On this movie or all your movies? And the pilot of HOUSE?

Why would ANYONE want to live in Metroplis? Jesus. A day doesn’t go by when there’s not at least one disaster. That town would break FEMA in a month. And the citizens must now be used to them because no one ever heads for cover, no one ever panics, people continue dining at sidewalk cafes even though a car or airplane is hurtling right for them. (Sidebar #2: If Superman landed a plane in Wrigley Field during a Cubs game that Harry Caray was calling here’s how it would have sounded:

HARRY: Time called for a moment, there seems to be a hot dog wrapper on the field.

STEVE STONE: No, Harry, that’s a jumbo jetliner.

HARRY: Holy cow! Well, while the groundscrew removes it, why not head to the kitchen and pop the top off an ice cold Budweiser? You sure that’s not just the tarp, Steve?

STEVE STONE: No, Harry. It’s a plane.

Every article I’ve read about the movie stresses the love story and the emotionally troubled Superman – all wonderful values to have in a film. But the truth is this: Us Superman fans don’t give a shit about that. Just get to the action.

Why doesn’t anyone ever call the Child Protection Agency and blow the whistle on Joan Crawford-worthy mom, Lois Lane? She puts her kid in harm’s way every fifteen minutes.

Even a dead Marlon Brando is better than most live actors today.

I love that Noel Neill and Jack Larson (Lois & Jimmy from the TV series) had cameos. And my neighbor, Eva Marie Saint (although she had nothing to do).

If Kevin Spacey really wanted to kill Superman he would force him to watch BEYOND THE SEA.

For a flashback segment (which wasn’t needed at all) they spent untold millions to build a whole farm and cornfield in Australia when they just as easily could have used any fifteen minutes from SMALLVILLE.

The most exciting five minutes of the night was the SPIDERMAN 3 trailer.

*******

SPOILER ALERT FROM HERE ON:

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If Superman were really wheeled into a hospital he’d be stopped at the door and asked to provide proof of health insurance.

Lois Lane gets into the hospital to see Superman but his mother has to stand outside with the crowd?

In the hospital, they can’t hang up Superman’s suit. They just have to drape it over a chair? Was Superman in a Kaiser hospital?

When Lois sees all those wigs I thought she had stumbled into Carl Reiner’s bathroom.

You’d think Superman would be smart enough to put a lock on his Fortress of Solitude. If not Lex Luther, there has to at least be Jehovah’s Witnesses stopping by.

When Superman lands back on earth at the beginning of the movie, did he arrive in a spaceship again? Where did he get it? And why did he need it? Is Kansas a no-fly zone?

With those crystals I thought initially that Lex Luthor’s insidious plan to achieve world domination involved opening a New Age store.

I guess this movie disproves the theory that you can’t tug on Superman’s cape. Even Mr. Rogers would have gone medieval if Lex tortured him the way he did Superman.

The last twenty minutes totally petered out. And I’m sorry, I don’t care what his moral code is, if Superman doesn’t KILL Lex Luthor, and by that I mean rip out his entrails, smash him against a wall, set him on fire, and slit his throat with a razor sharp 45 of Mack the Knife then the movie doesn’t have a satisfying ending.

But SPIDERMAN 3 looks REALLY cool!!

In the news...

Some things I might be talking about with Elayne Boosler when we host the Stephanie Miller show Monday and Tuesday morning (consult your local listings and Sirius satellite radio):

At the Institute of Food Technologists (with home office probably in the corner booth of a Sizzler’s) on Tuesday, Professor Charles Bamforth presented objective scientific evidence that beer is much healthier than wine. Bamforth is Anheuser-Busch endowed Professor of Brewing Science at the University of California. Where does Norm Peterson get a job like that?

At the erotica convention recently in Los Angeles (the only convention where nobody registers using their real name) Pastor Craig Gross, who runs an anti-pornography ministry handed out “Jesus Loves Porn Stars” bibles. He’d like to see them in hotels but how much reading are you going to be doing when you only have the room for an hour?

Meanwhile, several Los Angeles city officials are outraged and embarrassed because Hooters is planning a bikini contest to raise money for spaying pets. “Hooters for Neuters” is what they’re calling it. So it’s okay to hold an erotica convention in the LA convention center but a fund raiser for a good cause is undignified. If it makes the city officials feel any better there are a lot of 40 year old men who still live with their mothers who think “Hooters for Neuters” is a night saluting them.

A research study has concluded that holding a cellphone to your head while being struck with lightening can cause serious injury. But at least the last sound you hear is your favorite itune.

And a Korean company has invented a cellphone with a breathalyzer, so you can check to see if you’re drunk before the cop does. Here’s how it works: users blow into a small spot on the phone, and if they’ve had too much to drink the phone issues a warning and dispenses hot coffee out of another small spot on the phone. Plus, the LP4100 model has this nifty feature: it also allows you to set up the phone so on certain nights and after a certain time it will block you from calling certain people in your address book. (e.g. ex-girlfriend, ex-boyfriend, Marine recruiter, QVC, me.). And if you fail the blood alcohol test the only call it will let you make is to your wife.

Sometime in October the US population will reach 300,000,000. Still, no one will be watching the CW.

According to “experts” – if you are a woman and you’re wearing a bra, you are probably wearing the wrong size. Who are these “experts” and where do I apply? Apparently this is such a serious problem that Oprah has devoted two shows to it, going so far as to have dramatic “bra interventions”. What joke could I possibly make that’s as absurd as that??

The average American breast has grown from size 34D to 36C. Of course Pamela Anderson alone has shifted the national average.

Grab your parkas, it's July

Since the MASH frenzy continues, here’s another anecdote. It’s a re-post but for the many new readers I think it’s worth a summer re-run. Besides I have to read a lot of crap this weekend so I won’t sound too stupid co-hosting the Stephanie Miller Show this Monday & Tuesday.

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When my partner, David and I were head writers a precedent had been established during table readings whereby after the cast read the script out loud we went page by page asking if anyone had a problem or issue. Often times these notes resulted in better shows. And we were a collaborative effort.

But….

Sometimes someone in the cast would have a real ticky tack issue with some line. And not to be upstaged, another cast member would have a “problem”. Pretty soon, they all were having “problems”. Page after page after page. We loved and admired the cast and would always be accommodating but inside we were IRKED.

This happened a couple of times and finally we got smart. The next time it occurred we went back to the room, addressed all of their minor concerns, and then made one other little change of our own to the script. We made it a cold show.

The next day filming began at the Malibu ranch. Summer temperatures were routinely in the 90’s and 100’s. Now the cast was all in parkas standing over fire barrels delivering lines about how bitterly cold Korea was in the winter.

This happened maybe twice and we never got a ticky tack note again.

If only we could do that today with networks and studios.

Goodbye Radar and June

On Monday and Tuesday I will be co-hosting the STEPHANIE MILLER syndicated radio show with the much-funnier-than-me Elayne Boosler. 6-9 AM on the West Coast and 9-Noon in the East. Needless to say, big audiences are expected for morning drive time radio on the 3rd and 4th of July.

I’m amazed by the huge reaction to MASH posts. You all realize that until they moved the show to Mondays it was getting its ass kicked by THREE’S COMPANY?

GOODBYE RADAR was supposed to be the finale of season seven. When the network talked Gary Burghoff into postponing his exit until November sweeps (it was a very short conversation, they just wrote a dollar figure on a piece of paper and handed it to him.) we decided to make it more of an event, thus the two parter. (CBS was lobbying for a twelve parter.)

Our goal was to make his actual departure as emotional as possible while still avoiding a long maudlin scene. Hence the casualties. Each character said goodbye in one sentence. I’m a big fan of tiny moments. Radar leaving his teddy bear to Hawkeye said more than any speech we could have ever written. (And you know how long it takes us to write those damn big speeches.)

The name we gave his girlfriend was Patty Haven, a former girlfriend of mine who left me to run a kennel in Fresno.

90% of the time two parters should really be part-and-a-halfs.

I think the rapid fire pace of the dialogue and story telling on MASH was much better suited for a half hour than an hour.

Saw myself on MY FIRST TIME on TVLand. What was I thinking wearing that purple shirt? I looked like a telletubby.

For the MARY show we hired newcomer Katey Segal over Kathy Bates.

Most of the real dish on Mary Tyler Moore I have I will save for my book. I will then have to spend the next few years hiding like Salmon Rushdie while Mary tries to hunt me down.

Suffice it to say I can’t watch ORDINARY PEOPLE without having Viet Nam flashbacks.

We did make reference to her in a SIMPSONS we wrote. Patty or Selma decided to wear Mary’s classic hairstyle. The town drunk approaches and asks, “Are you Mary Tyler Moore?” She sprays him with mace and he says, “You ARE. You are Mary Tyler Moore!”

Some guys live right. Minnesota Twins’ catcher Joe Mauer is batting an incredible .456 in June and goes home to former Miss USA, Chelea Cooley. Why opposing pitchers aren’t throwing at his head every at bat is beyond me.

The Twins are one of the most exciting teams in baseball. Too bad they play in that giant jello mold.

Caught the Ringo Starr All-Star band concert last weekend. Ringo was charming and it was “far out” hearing those Beatles songs sung by “the actual guy” but he wasn’t the best musician on stage. In fact, he wasn’t even the best drummer on stage. Sheila E. was absolutely phenomenal!! Meanwhile, Edgar Winters looks the same as he did 25 years ago – middle aged and paunchy. The only instrument he didn’t play was the zither.

The only National League team that can beat the American League is the Colorado Rockies. What this means is that the National League should just trade places with the Pacific Coast League.

I was not involved with the final MASH episode. The story was broken into half hour increments and divided up between the writers, who would then each write their segment with Alan Alda.

Booting Star Jones Reynolds off THE VIEW was a good start. Now get rid of the rest of those hens.

It’s hard to not get swept up in World Cup fever when there are all those heart pounding, spine tingling 0-0 games.

When Germany plays Iran, who do you root for?

Check back tomorrow for one of my favorite MASH anecdotes.

M*A*S*H Misc.

By popular demand, more MASH stuff. (I never get this kind of reaction to my Palm Springs travelogues.) Here are some random questions and thoughts:

How did we get the medical jargon? We had a consultant on staff, Dr. Walter Dishell. When writing the script, David and I would just slug in medical nonsense.

HAWKEYE: I think his freebazzber is ruptured.

BJ: You might have to gumenford him and eeknonoogle his interior norgalflagle.

HAWKEYE: Nurse, zignuts. Stat!

Walt would send the script back replacing the zignuts. Eventually we became more proficient in operating procedures and by the end of our tenure we were taking a crack at the jargon ourselves, just calling him and running the scene by him. One of our proudest moments on the show was once writing an OR scene that required no changes. Of course the patient did die.

If you’re writing a spec script like a HOUSE that requires medical-speak, consult a doctor to get it right.

When breaking stories, we would often call Walt and say something like, “Here’s what we need -- a patient that comes in with a bad fever. He becomes delusional that night. The next day he’s better. But that night he dies.” An hour later Walt would call back with Hemorrhagic Fever or some other exotic disease.

At MASH we also had a nurse on stage who served as our technical advisor. That is why you never saw Hawkeye operate with a band saw.

A few people commented on the number of inconsistencies in the show. Yes, a show bible might have been nice. To me there were two BIG inconsistencies: Harry Morgan initially appeared as an insane general (maybe the funniest MASH episode EVER – “The General Flipped at Dawn”) and then later as Colonel Potter. And the other – we’re supposed to believe that eleven years of stories, main characters coming and going, actors aging over a decade, etc. all took place in less than two years.

The theme song, taken from the movie, “Suicide is Painless” was never sung on the series.

The show was shot at Twentieth Century Fox on Stage 9, and on location in Malibu canyon. A later brush fire destroyed most of the exterior sets. The sets from the stage are in the Smithsonian in Washington. I didn’t steal any of the props. I’m an idiot.

It took four days to shoot an episode. One day to read and rehearse, and three to film. One of the three shooting days would be out on location. But only until the end of Daylight Savings Time. After that the days were too short. The final six or seven episodes were always filmed exclusively on the stage, even the exterior scenes.

For my money the best episodes were written by Larry Gelbart and the team of Everett Greenbaum & Jim Frizzell.

I was there for the creation of Charles Emerson Winchester. The idea was to replace Frank Burns with a character that was very much his opposite. We all wanted Charles to be smarter and more gifted as a surgeon than Hawkeye or B.J. and, as opposed to Frank, a worthy adversary.

There were no auditions for the part of part. Producer Burt Metcalfe had seen David Ogden Stiers guesting on an episode of the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW and thought he’d be perfect. It was only after David was hired that we learned he could do that slight Boston accent.

I named several women characters after old girlfriends. They still hated me.

In the 7th season, for patient names we used the 1978 Los Angeles Dodger roster. In the 6th season there was an episode with four Marine patients. They were the California Angels infield.

MASH tribute sites have trivia contests. I often can’t answer questions from episodes I wrote.

Hawkeye's speech

First off – a programming note: I will be making a rare on-camera appearance Wednesday night at 10 PM on TVLand. The program is called MY FIRST TIME (and no, it's not what you think). TV stars talk about their big break. My partner and I gave Katy Segal her first job on the Mary Tyler Moore comeback disaster we did called MARY. (A show that could be the subject matter for a series called MY WORST TIME.)

Since it appears my entire body of work is destined for TVLAND (if not there already), it is only appropriate that that's where I show up. I taped my segment over a year ago so God knows what I said or how I look. I hope I don’t regret alerting people to this.

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Here’s the speech from our first MASH, “Out of Sight/Out of Mind” that took us a week and at least fifty drafts. But launched our career.

Hawkeye was temporarily blind, with no guarantee he’d ever see again. He dealt with it by staying very busy, even being a little manic. Finally, B.J. sits him down in Post Op and they have the following exchange:

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B.J.
Listen, Hawk, why don’t you just settle down for five minutes? I know what you’re trying to do, and I know how you really feel.

HAWKEYE
No you don’t.

B.J.
You don’t want to have time to think about what might happen to you.

HAWKEYE
That’s not it. Sure, when Overman walks in tomorrow and unwraps my package, I hope to God I’ll have my sight back. But in the meantime, this crazy accident has taken on another meaning.

B.J.
How?

HAWKEYE
One part of the world closed down for me, but another part opened up. Sure, I’ve been seeing myself sitting on a corner with a tin cup selling thermometers. But things are happening that take me away from that. This morning I spent two incredible hours listening to a rainstorm. I didn’t just hear it, I was part of it. I’ll bet you never realized that the sound of rain hitting the ground makes the same noise as steaks when they barbeque, or that thunder seems to echo forever. And you can’t believe how funny it is to hear someone slip and fall in the mud. Had to be Burns. Beej, it’s full of trapdoors, but I think I’m using this thing to my advantage. I’ve never spent a more conscious day in my life.

Our first MASH

Last week’s MASH posts sparked a lot of questions about the show. I’m always amazed there’s still such interest in a thirty year old show but I couldn’t be happier. So keep those cards and letters coming in.

A number of people wanted to know how David Isaacs and I got our first MASH assignment. We had sold a JEFFERSONS and a couple of episodes of another series, JOE AND SONS, cancelled one nanosecond after we turned in our second script. (Surprisingly, there are no JOE AND SONS tribute websites.) Our agents moved up to the agency that also represented MASH executive producer, Gene Reynolds. He read and liked our JEFFERSONS and invited us to come in and meet. My partner and I had met in the Army Reserves so we were very comfortable writing a military show. This was season five, Larry Gelbart, had just left, and Gene was looking for new writers. Forget for a moment that the two of us together couldn’t carry Larry Gelbart’s pencil sharpener, we jumped at the chance.

We had a good meeting, were loaded down with research material, and told to come back when we had some stories to pitch. I asked how many stories? At the JEFFERSONS writers were allowed to pitch only three. Gene said as many as we had.

A week later we were back in his office with FIFTY stories. There was no way we were going to walk out of there without a sale. Needless to say, he was a little overwhelmed. By idea number fifteen he put two of them together and gave us the assignment.

We were over the moon. (Quick aside, a little over a year later we became head writers of MASH and wound up using most of those fifty stories.)

The two stories for that initial assignment were:

A gas heater blows up and Hawkeye is temporarily blind.

And Frank bets on baseball games aired by Armed Forces Radio live in the middle of the night then rebroadcast during the day. Thus he bets knowing the outcome. (This came from a true story I heard about from the Far East Network in Viet Nam.) Our spin was that Hawkeye discovers this and he, B.J., Radar, and Klinger do a recreation of a game to fool him.

The episode was called OUT OF SIGHT/OUT OF MIND. Our draft was very well received and proved to be the turning point of our career.

It took us two weeks to complete -- one week to write just one speech. But that speech was key to the episode.

Tomorrow – that speech.