In response to yesterday's post

  Interesting reaction to yesterday's post.  

Many of you reacted to the plight of theater owners like AMC with "good riddance."   The experience of going to a theater to see a movie on the big screen has become somewhat of an ordeal.  And theater chains have let it happen and in some respects contributed to it.  

Readers cite high ticket prices, inflated concession prices, cutback on staff, endless trailers, and commercials as some reasons to avoid their local cineplex.  

And then there is the behavior of the patrons.  Texting, fiddling with their iPhones, thus shining distracting lights, talking to one another, talking on the phone, and basically having zero regard for anyone else in the auditorium.   Other than Alamo Drafthouse, I don't know of another theater chain that enforces no cellphone use or talking.   They'll throw people out.  Everyone else does nothing or perhaps issues worthless warnings.  

As one commenter stated, these chains have been getting away with this for years and the time of reckoning has come.  

Maybe you have to be from a certain generation, but I've always had a reverence for movies and the need to see them as they were intended to be shown -- on the big screen in a theater.  My sense is most people in the general public don't feel that way.  Which is a shame but totally understandable given the circumstances.   There's little or no allegiance to theater chains because they don't offer a pleasing experience.  And instead of improving, the experience gets worse and worse over time.  

And the irony of course, is that the audience that theaters are hoping to attract (young people EXCLUSIVELY) are the ones who cause most of the disruptions and the ones least likely to have any loyalty to the theater.  They're the ones no longer interested in going unless it's a big mega-event, and even then that's a few times a year max.   Gone are the Friday night "date night" movies.  

Yes, giant conglomerates are killing the theater business.  But theater owners better take a good hard look at how they contributed and what they can do in the future to get the audience back.  It's certainly worse than I even thought.  So just opening your doors won't do it. 

The Warner Brothers announcement that shocked Hollywood... but not me

Warner Brothers Pictures recently announced they were putting their entire slate of 2021 releases on HBO Max the same time they’re releasing them to theaters.  This has theater chains and filmmakers all up in arms.   For good reason.   Media pundits are calling this unprecedented.  Uh, no.  It’s happened before.  

Let’s go back to the ‘80s and that now quaint form of entertainment -- television.   If you had a hit sitcom the studio would sell it into syndication to the highest bidders.  If you happened to be a writer or actor or director who had a piece of the show you got insanely rich.  The studios would get richer, but that’s fair.  They also laid out all the money above the license fee to produce the show.  And lots of shows fail and the studios lose money.  But still, in success, everybody scored big.  

Then the studios started launching cable networks.  And of course they needed product.  Let’s take MASH — an absolute cash cow in syndication.  Owned by 20th Century Fox.  The studio debuted FX.  The studio decided to run multiple episodes of MASH.  Its value in syndication dropped because no longer were local markets the exclusive provider of the show.  20th made less money on MASH.  But they made more money on FX.  They sold and kept all the advertising.  Anyone who was a profit participant in MASH got screwed.   As a result, Alan Alda sued 20th and won a hefty settlement.   

The point is 20th was more concerned with their cable channel than one of their shows.   This type of thing happens when giant conglomerates take over studios.  

AT&T now owns Time-Warner, which included HBO Max.  The future in broadcast platforms is streaming.  And the competition is fierce.  Once it pretty much was just Netflix and Hulu as a distant second.  Now there’s HBO Max, Apple +, Disney +, Amazon Prime, CBS All Access, Peacock with more on the way.  People aren’t gong to pay $14 a month to seven streaming services.  Maybe they’ll pop for two.  Each of these streaming services is owned by giant behemoths like Apple, Amazon, Viacom, Comcast, and Disney.  They’ve spent billions to launch their services.  In time some are going to go away or be swallowed up.  At the moment, the race is on and the stakes are enormous.  

HBO Max got off to a disappointing start.  I don’t know what their expectations were but they didn’t meet them.  So to give their service a shot in the arm, AT&T has decided to release all new WB movies on HBO Max.  Now they’ll say they’re doing it for the fans.  But that’s utter bullshit.  They’re doing it to bolster HBO Max.   

So what if you’re a profit participant in one of those films?  Forget about the $100,00,000 opening weekend and your cut (once the pandemic is finally over).  It’ll open at a tiny fraction of that.  You get fucked.  You see the pattern?   And add this to that:  the filmmakers who produced the 2021 slate of WB films were always under the impression their films would first be released in theaters.  When you do a picture for Netflix you know it’s destined for the small screen.  But not a WB project.  So the rug was pulled out from under them.  

Oh, and how’d you like to own AMC theaters?  

I’m waiting to see if other conglomerates do the same thing.  The theater experience is slowly coming to an end. Watching a film with lots of other people, all laughing or cheering or gasping or whatever enhances the movie experience.  And that is going away other than big IMAX CGI superhero sequels.  It’s a shame really.  The entertainment industry has always been about money.  But at one time the people in charge also loved movies.  Today, they couldn’t care less.  Which also means they couldn’t care less about YOU.   Not exactly a "happy ending." 

Last minute holiday laughs

As the holiday season comes to a close and you begin to dread having to take down the tree and all the decorations, grab 90 minutes of late holiday spirit by checking out my Zoom play, ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS.   Start the year with some laughs.

Weekend Post

Edward Anhalt was one of the great screenwriters of all-time. A multi-Oscar winner he amassed a tremendous body of impressive work.

In the early 60’s he learned that producer Hal B. Wallis was planning to make a movie of the play BECKET. That subject matter was Anhalt’s absolute passion. He considered himself an expert on the era. No one knew the period as well. He went to Wallis with an impassioned plea that he and he alone was right for this assignment. Wallis made him a deal. Anhalt could write BECKET but he had another project that also needed a writer. If Anhalt would do that first he could have his coveted assignment. Anhalt happily agreed.

So in the same year Mr. Edward Anhalt wrote BECKET and GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS starring Elvis Presley and Stella Stevens.

Moral of this story: If you’re lucky enough to get an assignment on some horrible cheesy show on some streaming platform no one has ever heard of about kids in leprechaun jr. high take heart. Next year you could be on THIS IS US. 

Thank God it's 2021

Friday Questions return next week.

Usually on New Years Day, I do a feature where I hope this year is for you what last year was for... and then I list all the people who had a great year -- award winners, big successes, championships, etc.  

But last year was truly awful.  I spent 42 weeks of it in lockdown.  My last social activity around people was a funeral in the rain.  If there are two highlights of 2020 the first is that our democracy was saved when Trump lost the election -- and yes, he LOST the election -- over 80,000,000 people hate his fucking guts -- he LOST.   And second, we have two vaccines with more on the way.  

Beyond that, I can't even remember who won Oscars, sports with no fans and shortened seasons with playoff games in neutral sites seem meaningless (even though two LA teams won championships), the pandemic, the economy, a political party willing to abandon the Constitution they were sworn to follow and protect for the sake of showing allegiance to the worst president and traitor this country has ever known -- 2020 sucked.  

So on to 2021.  May this be a year of healing, rebuilding, justice, science, tolerance, and the return of the United States of America.  

Podcast Picks

New podcast episodes begin next week.  In the meantime, here are a few from the archives that are pretty terrific and might hold you over.  Besides, what else is there to do on New Year's Eve?

I spoke with Dennis Palumbo, a successful screenwriter turned therapist.  He's got some great advice in these shitty... I mean "trying" times.

You can find it here.

Next for all you FRASIER fans, Bruce Miller who wrote the theme song discusses the process and shares a never before version.

You can find it here.

And finally, the art of improv comedy.

This is where you'll find it.

Have a SAFE and sane New Year's Eve.  The real celebration comes January 20th.

One last pet peeve for 2020

I bring this up now because if you fall into this category you might want to make a New Year’s Resolution.

I come from the world of broadcasting.   In broadcasting punctuality is paramount.  You can’t be late for your shift.  That’s almost as bad a sin as dead air.   Shows begin at the top of the hour.  You never hear the local news promoted as “Details at elevenish.”   To me, being on time is not just a point of pride but a requirement of the job, like combing your hair and not showing up on crack.  

So in the business world it rankles me when workers make an appointment, either to come to the house, or just a meeting — and they’re considerably late (without a good excuse like a meteor fell on the freeway — and even then, did it block all four lanes?).  To me, it’s a signal that the worker doesn’t give a shit.  If he doesn’t care about showing up on time, how good can his actual work be?  

This extends to personal relationships as well.  Certain people are chronically tardy.  And in many cases they’re not even apologetic about it.  What that says to me is their time is way more important than mine.  I'm sorry, but that’s incredibly rude.  And I’ve dropped people from my life because they do that.

Sure, everyone gets hung up on occasion.  Shit happens.  But text the other person that you’re running late.  Show some consideration.  Don’t just sweep in a half hour late and say you’re famished.   I think keeping people waiting at restaurants (back when we could go to restaurants) has increased because the late arriver just assumes the other person can occupy themselves with their phone.  Still, my time is just as valuable as yours!  

You’re an intelligent person (okay, assuming you also believe in science and don’t give money to the Orange Toxic Sewage), you know that it takes you longer to get out of the house, load the truck, whatever — just back-time accordingly.  You’re meeting someone for dinner at 7:00.  It takes twenty minutes to the get to the restaurant, a half hour to shower and get ready, ten minutes to feed the dog.  That means if you start the process at 6:00 you’re on time.   It’s going to take the same hour if you start at 6:00 or 6:40 — just PLAN.  

I also see a lot of these people begin to get ready and then get distracted.  They begin another task in the middle thinking it’ll just take a minute.  If you’re that person allow 90 minutes to get ready for a 7:00 appointment.  

Time management is not drug addiction.  Seems to me it just requires effort.  And I say that because if the event or meeting or job is important to the chronically late person, he is always on time.  And you know that’s true.  

I’m not saying you have to be everywhere an hour early.  Just on time.  If you have to be somewhere at 7 and you’ve back-timed to 6, just set an alarm on your phone to remind you and you should be good to go.  

Trust me, your friends, lovers, co-workers, and customers will thank you (and not dump you or fire you).  So please, to whom it may concern: make this a New Year’s Resolution. And don’t start it on January 2nd. 

Year end leftovers

This has been the year of baking, hasn’t it?  Probably more muffins, cookies, brownies, and banana bread were made this year than any other in recorded history (although who would record that history?). 

And as a society we’ve gotten way better at video games this year.   I'm still old school.  Tetris.  

Pictured above is the best movie of the season by far.  SOUL is Pixar's newest gem.  Wonderful and touching and dazzling.  It's on Disney +.  I can't recommend it enough.  

From one of the funniest writers I know, Arnie Kogan, comes this observation:  "Because of COVID the circus is allowing only three people in every clown car."  

I did a lot of writing this year.  It was weird writing for the theatre when there is no theatre and no timetable for when it might return.  

Lots of writers I know basically wrote nothing this year, and I totally understand that too.  Being in lockdown there is a real lack of stimuli.  It’s harder to generate ideas when you can’t get out and experience things and mingle with people.  I hope the stuff I wrote is any good.

I can’t imagine what the Oscars are going to look like next year.  Entertainment Weekly listed their Top 10 movies of the year.  Not only have I not seen any of them; I had never heard of 8 of them.   

Of the limited movies I have watched, SOUL is the best. 

If you haven’t seen my Christmas play, it’s here and I’m told very funny.  

The Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles was packed last week with Christmas shoppers. Worst pandemic in 100 years and LA is the current epicenter.  It’s not like I can blame the Red States for being stupid.  

Hey, BECKER is on the Pluto Channel.  Yes, there’s a Pluto Channel.  Happy searching.  

Advertisers, just so you know:  I will NEVER buy a product I see on a pop-up ad.  NEVER.  NEVER EVER.  Stop it!!!

ABC was the number one network in entertainment programming for the first time in 20 years.  I stress entertainment, because the networks that all had NFL football kicked ass.  

Oh, and ratings were down for all four networks from last year.  And if they went down during a pandemic when we’re all forced to stay home, that can’t bode well for them when we can return to life again. 

This would have been my grandmother’s 124th birthday.  Now that’s a woman who could bake!

Wonder Woman 1984: My review

As a point of reference, I very much liked the first Wonder Woman movie.  That said, WONDER WOMAN 1984 was a complete and utter mess.  As this endless stink burger unfolded, making no sense, and boring the shit out of me even with all the CGI and special effects — I just kept saying to myself: Gal Gadot is very hot.  I get to watch Gal Gadot for two and a half hours. 

That carried me for the first half hour.  The idiocy and excess of this bloated piece of shit overtook even Gal Gadot. 

So this is what studio movie making is these days?  Costumed superheroes facing end-of-the-world doomsday power-mad cliche villains through a series of cartoon action sequences that destroy national landmarks, entire cities, and a thousand cars.  Schmaltzy moments that are laughable. Scripts that are convoluted and make no sense.  Probably on purpose.  That way the writers don’t have to explain things.  The audience might think they were explained but they just missed it.   Like why is Wonder Woman in 1984 and not the ‘40s?  Is she immortal?  Does she never age?   Has she been here all along?  No.  That can’t be because when she appears as Wonder Woman at the beginning of the film (after the twenty minute completely superfluous Amazon prologue with a ponderous CGI action sequence and not even Gal Gadot), the media is baffled as to who this masturbatory vision with a golden lasso is. 

And why 1984?   Why not 1979?  Or 2074?   There was nothing specific to 1984 in the film.  My only guess is there’s a scene where someone uses a vintage ‘80s phone booth.  Maybe they got a deal on the prop and built the picture around that. 

Like most superhero movies, the writers solve story problems by merely tacking on more superpowers.  Wonder Woman and Chris Pine (who delivers every line the exact same way) want to take a super fighter jet to Cairo. (No one questions why Wonder Woman steals a plane?) But how do they do that undetected?   I take you to the story conference:

Hmmm?  How about this?  Wonder Woman can make the plane invisible!  Yeah! Awesome!  Wait, how does she do that?  Do you want to discuss this or go to lunch?  Invisible plane it is!  Do you think we’ll get an Oscar nomination? 

The movie was directed by Patty Jenkins.  She was heralded as such a genius for WONDER WOMAN.  Same director and she has story credit so don’t drop the dead body at the feet of the writers.  What happened to her genius? 

I caught it on HBO Max.  Thank God I didn’t waste money seeing it in a theater.   My guess is this review is not a shock to you.  It was released three days ago and you probably already heard the word-of-mouth.  Other than the 30 year old males who still live in their mother’s basement and have Gal Gadot action figures, which they do God knows with — I can’t imagine anyone loving this movie. 

It was just announced there's going to be yet another sequel.  But fear not, I have the solution that will save the franchise.   Do WONDER WOMAN 2019 and have her fling Donald Trump into the ionosphere where he can burn and disintegrate.  She’d save over 300,000 lives.  Hey, I’d even pay IMAX prices to see that.  

ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS

In case you're still looking to savor the holiday spirit, here's my play, ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS, done with an All-Star Broadway/Hollywood cast for the New Works Virtual Festival as a benefit for the Actors Fund.  And by "All-Stars" I mean George Wendt, Kerry Butler, Max Crumm, Felicia Boswell, Lynne Stewart, and Anoop Desai.  It's a comedy that the Hallmark Channel would never make in a thousand years.  There's sex and drugs and a Yiddish word.  Enjoy.  (You can also scroll down to this week's weekend post.) 

Weekend Post

Pilot notes can be maddening. And we’ve all received them. Usually they’re of the “can we up the stakes?” or “can we make her nicer?” variety. Whatever they can do to make the show more formula. And if the exec just spent the weekend attending the Robert McKee seminar, look out. He’ll try to turn every show into CASABLANCA.

And this happens more than you think. Often times networks have agendas and the purpose of their notes is to steer you in the direction of those agendas.

Case in point: A project David and I once had at Fox. Now I should point out that this was several years ago and they’ve gone through eight or nine regimes and two or three ownership changes since then. So the policy back then is not necessarily the policy they follow today (although I suspect it is).

Our pilot was an upscale workplace comedy featuring three really bright young men. I mean, Aaron Sorkin bright. The network really liked the first draft and had minimal notes. One was, could we do a scene in a restaurant or bar? Just someplace away from their office. Fair enough. We asked if we could adjust one of the scenes we already had and just move it to a bar, and they were fine with that.

Then they said, “Oh, and we want a hot babe. We need a smokin’ hot babe”. We said, “No problem. We’ll need a waitress anyway”. And they said, “Oh, not just for this show. We need her to be a series regular.”

Now this threw us a little. I asked, “To do what?”

And this was their answer:

“We don’t care. We just want a hot babe in the show”.

We busted out laughing.  What else could we do???

Now they could have said, “We feel it would provide balance” or “it would be nice to have a woman’s perspective in this show” but we all knew that was bullshit. They just wanted tits! This was Fox. On a creative level this addition made no sense, but hey, I applaud their honesty.

Eventually they passed on the show, felt it was too sophisticated and more of an NBC series than Fox. On the other hand, there was one character they really loved. Guess which one.

Watch my Christmas play

I'm honored that my holiday play, ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS was selected by the New Works Virtual Festival for a Zoom reading.  It's a benefit for the Actors Fund (a very worthy cause) and stars an All-Star Broadway/Hollywood cast.   Kerry Butler, George Wendt, Felicia Boswell, Lynne Stewart, Max Crumm, and Anoop Desai.. The live stream begins at 4 pm EST/1 pm PST after which it's available to watch anytime.  What better way to celebrate Christmas than with laughter?  

What's also interesting is that below the performance they're scrolling the script.  So if you're a writer or aspiring writer it's a great way to see the text while watching the performance.   

You can always go to their Facebook Page to watch the play.  And here's the link that will activate at 4 pm EST/1 pm PST..  Enjoy.  And Merry Christmas everybody!

 

For your podcast pleasure

 

Usually on Thursday I drop a new episode of my podcast and devote the blog post to it.  But the current episode will be up for the remainder of the year.  So I thought I'd take this space to recommend some previous episodes you might not have heard.  With over 200, I now have a lot to choose from.

This is one of my favorites.  It's a tour of 20th Century Fox.  That lot used to be a magic place.  Relive its rich history and stories.

You can find the episode here.

We lost him earlier this year, but Earl Pomerantz was a wonderful writer and a fascinating individual.  One of the nicest most talented people I ever knew.   Treat yourself to my interview with Earl Pomerantz.

You can find that episode here.

And finally, an early episode where I discuss how I write comedy.

Here's where you go for that.

There are a lot of fun episodes on many different subjects.  Feel free to go down the archive rabbit hole.  What else have you got to do in lockdown?  You can't go to grandma's house this year. 

Happy Christmas Eve!

Friday Questions on Wednesday

Since Friday is Christmas I’m doing Friday Questions on Wednesday this week. I hope this doesn’t throw off your calendar for the next year.

Roger Owen Green is up first.

In 2020 fiction, do you address COVID, pretend it didn't happen, or what?

It depends on the show.  If it’s set in present day and you’ve established yourself for several years I’d say you were almost obligated to address it.  Some shows I’ve noticed have dealt with the economy going to shit and the struggles to stay afloat and keep their employees.  Others have had characters contract the virus.   But my heart goes out to those shows.

Unless it was absolutely necessary to set my show or movie or play in the pandemic I would avoid it like, well… the plague.   

People don’t want to watch shows that remind them of COVID.  NBC had that comedy about the pandemic and it died a quick and horrible death.    I think there are numerous projects about “odd couples” forced to live together in lockdown.  I’m super glad I don’t have one of them.  It might’ve seemed like a good idea in April.  Not now.  

I have several plays I’m working on that I began before the pandemic.  I’ve adjusted them all to be set either before or after 2020.

MellaBlue asks:

I was watching an old episode of Cheers the other night, and I was kind of struck by the rather prominent placing of a Budweiser bottle and a Coors bottle. I'd never really noticed "branding" before and I've watched every episode multiple times. So my question is.... was Cheers approached for product placement by liquor companies and did they accept? Or were these bottles just good props with no sort of deal struck with the companies?

Before we went into production, the Charles Brothers said to NBC that for the sake of authenticity we needed to mention specific brands of liquor.  Otherwise, the whole atmosphere of the bar would ring false.  They agreed to it so long as we didn’t overdo it.   

Along those lines, we occasionally got away with showing brand names on bottles.  But we did it sparingly.  And no one approached us for product placement, nor did we ever take money for product placement. 

I have to say, that the NBC Standards & Practices Department was very reasonable and we worked well with them throughout the run of the series.   They understood that we were an adult show, but we were never looking to shock anyone or ruffle feathers simply to attract attention.  

From “Ray’s Profile:”

On the cast list (for my Zoom reading of GUILTY PLEASURES) is Tony Pasquilini as "Etienne." Are credits like this (or, say, Jerry Mathers as The Beaver) negotiated or just added on a whim by the author?

Those are negotiated.  It’s another way to elevate an actor’s credit.  Only one or two people can receive top billing.  But “and by” is a way of separating the actor from other cast members.  

Credit and billing is a huge consideration.  Where in the credits does your client appear?  Is it a shared card?   Is it the same size font as the star's?   It’s often easier to negotiate the money than the credit.  

Chris Thomson wonders:

Did you have private viewing parties for the final episodes of iconic shows you were on?

Like Mash, Cheers and Frasier etc?

For CHEERS we all went back to Boston and watched it at “Cheers.”  That was very cool.  It was private inside, but outside on Boston Common a giant Jumbotron board was set up and thousands more watched from there.  

There was a private party for the MASH finale.  It was in a screening room. I was working on CHEERS that night and was unable to attend.  

But then MASH had a huge wrap party at a local restaurant and I got to hang out with former president Gerald Ford.  That was only slightly surrealistic.  

And finally, from another Chris — Chris G:

Was MASH exceptional in filming so quickly? Did the fact that the wardrobe was mostly uniforms and there were rarely new settings help keep production times that short?

I don’t think so.  We allotted three days to film a half-hour episode. At the time that seemed to be the rule.  And we generally had no problem delivering on that schedule.  And in my limited experience at the time, I knew of no alternative.  That’s just the way it was.  

Happy holidays.  Be safe.  That’s more important than Christmas celebrations. 

The Bee Gees documentary

I have to admit, when I saw there was a new documentary about the Bee Gees on HBO Max I yawned.   Not that I disliked the Bee Gees, but I never got what the excitement was all about.  Their songs were played to death during the disco era and Barry Gibb’s falsetto always sounded like a cat being strangled.  

But more and more people were raving about it so I decided to give it a whirl.  I’m so glad I did.  

THE BEE GEES: HOW DO YOU MEND A BROKEN HEART, directed by Frank Marshall, is one of the best rock documentaries I’ve ever seen.  I actually learned stuff.  I actually got a much better appreciation of their talent.  And I actually found myself engrossed in their story.  

There’s great archival footage and interviews with the Gibb brothers over the years so the story was mostly told in their own words.  (I’m only sorry it wasn’t a documentary for CNN because then they might’ve interviewed me.)

Rock group dynamics are always complex — you have different personalities and backgrounds and ultimate career goals.  But when you add to that family dynamics,  played against the many traps of success you test the very foundation of the family unit.  That's way more important than "should the group break up?"  In the case of the Bee Gees, happily, blood was thicker than platinum.  

Marshall chose to emphasize their career and not the steep price they paid for it.  That's the part of the story we all did know going in. To one degree or another they all fell prey to drug and alcohol addiction.  This was certainly mentioned but more in passing.   Of the four brothers (including Andy), only one is left.  Was all the money, fame, women, gold records and legacy worth it?   I thought the best moment of the film was when Barry Gibb answered that question.  

Well worth seeing, even if you still have no desire to ever hear “Stayin’ Alive” again. 

We all need a little joy

It's been a rough rough year and we could all use some joy and happiness.  These two videos are just what the doctor ordered.  I don't know who made them, but they are editing geniuses and I so appreciate their efforts.  Both are spectacular.  Set aside ten minutes and enjoy!

Last chance to see my play

The Zoom reading of my play, GUILTY PLEASURES: AN UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY ends Sunday night.  It's a sex romp with laughs.  Did I mention it has sex in it?  

Just click here.

Thanks much.  Now back to this weekend's "weekend post." 

Weekend Post

I get a lot of requests for reprints of Levine/Isaacs scripts. So here is a portion of one of our SIMPSONS, “Dancin’ Homer”, dated 6/05/90. Notice that we had to be very detailed in our descriptions so the artists would have some sense of what we envisioned.

**********

EXT. STADIUM – EVENING

We open on a large stadium marquee that reads:

“SPRINGFIELD WAR MEMORIAL STADIUM, “ ‘TONIGHT BASEBALL, SPRINGFIELD ISOTOPES VS. SHELBYVILLE SHELBYVILLIANS, “ “NUCLEAR POWER PLANT FAMILY NIGHT, “ “SUNDAY AFTERNOON – COHEN BAR MITZVAH.”

A bus driven by OTTO comes roaring by the screen as it enters the stadium parking lot and screeches to a stop. We hear a blaring police car go by.

OTTO
Oooh, well, I think we lost ‘em. (LOOKING AROUND) Hey, and we’re at the ball park. All right! Two birds with one stone. Okay, everybody out!

There’s a loud CHEER from the bus.

INT. BUS – CONTINUOUS

It is crammed with excited NUCLEAR POWER PLANT EMPLOYEES AND THEIR FAMILIES, all with hats, pennants, thermoses, flasks, gloves, etc. THE SIMPSONS are jammed into two rows. Everyone starts to disembark.

ON THE SIMPSONS

As they cross with other fans to the front gate. BART has a mitt, LISA a transistor radio; MAGGIE wears a little baseball cap and uniform jumper. They pass souvenir stands and PROGRAM VENDORS. All the EMPLOYEES who work at the ball park are rundown and toothless.

HOMER
You know, boy, some of the players you see tonight may make it to the big leagues, one day.

BART
What? Aren’t we going to see any washed-up major leaguers?

HOMER
Sure, we get a nice mix here.

LISA
I can’t think of a better place to spend a balmy summer’s night than the old ball yard. There’s just the green grass of the outfield, the crushed brick of the infield, and the white chalk lines that divide the man from the little boy.

HOMER
(CHUCKLES) Lisa, honey, you’re forgetting the beer. It comes in seventy-two ounce tubs here.

MARGE
I hope you’ll space out the tubs this year, Homer.

HOMER
(DEFENSIVE) What are you getting at?

MARGE
Well, last year you got a little rambunctious and mooned the poor umpire.

HOMER
Marge, (HOLDING UP THE TICKET) this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat, it also gives me the right – no, the duty, to make a complete ass of myself.

ENTRANCE TO STADIUM

MR. BURNS and SMITHERS, who holds 3x5 index “prompt” cards, are perched at the gate, greeting the employees and their families, including THE GAMMILLS from “No Disgrace Like Home”.

BURNS
Ah, the Gammills. Good to see you.

GAMMILL
You’re an inspiration to all of us in waste management, sir.

BURNS
(CHUCKLES) Well, take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. (LAUGHS)

Gammill and his brood kow tow and move on.

BURNS
(TO SMITHERS) Put a little smile on his card, Smithers.

SMITHERS
Already there, sir.

Burns spots the Simpsons as they approach. Smithers grabs a card and whispers in Burns’ ear.

SMITHERS
The Simpsons, sir.

BURNS
Ah, well, if it isn’t the Simps.

HOMER
Uh… Simp-sons, sir.

BURNS
(CONSULTING CARD) Hmm, oh , yes… Homer and Marge Simpson. Oh, and these must be Bart, Lisa, and “Expecting”.

SMITHER
(SOTTO) The card needs to be updated, sir.

Burns grumbles.

HOMER
Oh, that’s okay. The baby’s name isn’t important. Let’s go, Marge.

BURNS
Very well. (CHUCKLES) Take your mind off contaminates for one night and have a hot dog. (LAUGHS)

The Simpsons enter the park.

EXT. PARK – CONTINUOUS

It’s a typical wooden bandbox minor league ball park, seating maybe five thousand. Ringing the outfield wall are the usual billboards filled with local advertisements: “Springfield Savings – Safe from 1890-1986, 1988-“; “His Royal Majesty Clothing for the Obese or Gangly Gentleman”; “Moe’s Tavern – Hit this sign and win a free well drink”.

The only concession to the modern era is the JumboVision board in left field, which dwarfs the rest of the stadium. The PLAYERS are on the field, leisurely taking batting and infield practice as the stadium organist plays “ALEXANDER’S RAGTIME BAND”.

BART
Oh, wow – there’s Flash Bailor! I gotta get his authograph! He used to be a star.

FLASH BAILOR

He is playing catch. He’s 45, arrogant, and terribly out of shape. He looks like a giant pear. Bart leans over the railing, holding out a ball and a pen.

BART
Hey, Flash! Will ya sign my ball?

FLASH
No.

Bart rejoins the family.

BART
(MUMBLING) Lousy, washed-up, broken-down… old tub of guts… who does he think he is anyway?

HOMER
What’s the matter, boy?

BART
He wouldn’t sign my ball.

MARGE
Well, he’s a fine role model. Bart, give me that ball!

Bart flips her the ball and, with great resolve, she marches down the aisle to the field.

PLAYER #1
Hey, Flash, check out the mature quail heading this way.

FLASH
Hey there, little lady. What can Flash do for ya?

EXT. PARK – STANDS – A LITTLE LATER

Marge rejoins the family, holding the ball.

MARGE
Here you go, Bart.

She hands the ball to Bart.

BART
(READING) “Springfield Kozy Kort Motel, Room 26… How ‘bout it? – Flash.”

HOMER
Wow! Flash Bailor came on to my wife! (IMPRESSED) You’ve still got the magic, Marge.

MARGE
(SMALL GIGGLE)

EXT. BALL PARK – MOMENTS LATER

The plant employees are positioned way down the right field line in the bleachers. There’s a filled section of them… and just a mere sprinkling of other fans throughout the park. There are two empty seats next to the Simpsons. Lisa is holding up Maggie.

HOMER
(TO LISA) What are you doing?

LISA
Trying to get Maggie on the JumboVision.

SERIES OF QUICK CUTS – GRANDSTAND

We see that HUNDREDS OF BABIES are being held up.

BART
(POINTING) Hey, Dad, look!

Homer glances up.

HOMER
Whoa!

ON JUMBOVISION BOARD

Homer fills the screen. He stands up and waves with both hands.

HOMER
Hey, everybody! How you doing? Look at me! I’m Homer Simpson! Heh… heh.

Bart leans into frame and raises two fingers behind Homer’s head. The JumboVision camera starts to pull in on Homer’s open fly.

MARGE
(QUIETLY) Homer… Homer.. X.Y.Z.

HOMER
Examine my zipper? Why? (HOMER LOOKS DOWN) Whoops!

Homer, still on the screen, turns away, zips up his fly and receives a nice OVATION from the crowd.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
(HEAVILY ECHOED) Ladies and gentlemen, throwing out tonight’s first ball, the man whose name is synonymous with our nations’ safest and cleanest energy source, Mr. Montgomery Burns!

Burns and Smithers drive up to the mound in a golf cart that looks like a big baseball. Burns waves to the crowd. There is a slight SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE. As the golf cart brakes, divots of turf fly.

SMITHERS
Ah, they love you, sir.

BURNS
Heh, heh. As well they might. You know, Smithers, when I was a young buck, my patented fadeaway pitch was compared by many to the “trouble ball” of the great Satchel Paige. Spit on this for me, Smither.

Burns hands Smithers the ball.

SMITHERS
One hocker coming up, sir.

Burns rocks into his wind-up.

ON THE SIMPSONS

Who are heckling Burns from their very safe distance.

HOMER
Hey, Burns! Hey, “Rag Arm”!

BART
You throw like my sister, man!

LISA
Yeah, you throw like me!

They LAUGH conspiratorially.

BACK TO BURNS

He wheels and deals. He loses his balance and the ball goes maybe six feet before trickling to a stop.

SMITHERS
I think I could actually hear the air being torn, sir.

BURNS
Oh, shut up.

Homer and Bart are roaring with LAUGHTER. They can barely contain themselves.

BART
What a lame-o!

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Ladies and Gentlemen:, to honor America, will you please rise for our National Anthem…

Homer quickly composes himself.

P.A. ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
…sung tonight by Springfield’s rhythm n’ blues sensation, “Bleeding Bums” Murphy.

BLEEDING GUMS MURPHY steps up to the microphone at home plate. We see the scoreboard clock behind him reads 7:30. Bleeding Gums launches into a wildly improvisational version of the National Anthem.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “O-oo-hhhhhhhhh… Oh Saaaaayyyyyy can you…” -- I’m askin’ – “Can you s-e-e-e? … by the d-a-a-a-a-a-wn’s”

DISSOVLE TO:

EXT. BALL PARK - NIGHT

Bleeding Gums is still singing. The clock on the scoreboard now reads 7:46.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “…and the rocket’s red glareeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee …the bombs burstin’ … shoot it out… poppin’way up in the air… rrrrrrrrrrr.”

At this, there is mild SCATTERED APPLAUSE from the crowd.

BLEEDING GUMS
(SINGS) “And.. the home.. of the-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e … brave-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e!”

We see the Simpsons amid the crowd. Exhausted the flop into their chairs.

INT. PRESS BOX - CONTINUOUS

DAN HOARD, wearing a loud multi-colored jacket, is at the mike.

DAN HOARD
Hi-de-hi, Springfield! Dan Hoard, mikeside. Tonight – our Isotopes take on the pesky Shelbyville Shelbyvillians. The ‘Topes are looking to snap that darn twenty-six game losing streak, longest in professional baseball. How ‘bout that? -- Our sleepy town is in the record book!

************
Trivia note: I played the voice of “Dan Hoard”. Dan Hoard was my broadcast partner in Syracuse when I was a minor league announcer. He's now the voice of the Cincinnati Bengals and the University of Cincinnati football and basketball.

Friday Questions

On the anniversary of the day I was fired from KSEA radio in 1974 when they pulled the plug on the format and let the entire staff go, thus ending our promotion “Christmas the way it was meant to be” — here are Friday Questions.

Frank Salerno gets it started.

MASH is credited with the first on screen usage of “the smallest violin in the world”.

I know it’s a silent film/melodrama reference.

Whose idea was it to use?

All mine. 

That was an expression often used in my family growing up.   

“This is the world’s smallest violin and it’s playing just for you.”

I don’t remember the script or circumstance but I do recall it was Hot Lips who had the line.  

Dave H has another MASH question.

Ken, when did Mash start filming for a new season (July or August?) and what month did you wrap for the season? Sorry if this has been asked before. And I am saying sorry because I am Canadian. A TV report said it's a Canadian thing. ;)

We started filming right after the 4th of July and finished right before Christmas.  25 episodes.  Each episode received one day of rehearsal and three days of shooting.  After every three episodes there was a built-in “pick up” day to reshoot or get a scene not yet filmed.  There were hiatus weeks every seven or eight episodes, but those shrunk if we needed more “pick up” days.  

In contrast, today half-hour single camera shows require five to six days to shoot.  They’ll start in the summer and wrap in March… and do fewer than 25 episodes.

In the case of MASH, it sure helped to have a fantastic cast, crew, and stable of top notch directors. 

Someone who calls himself Dr. Rosen Rosen turns to a CHEERS question.  

I just have to know more about the "Sinatra" line spoken amazingly by Al Rosen. Do you have any additional information about that line, who wrote it, was it scripted, was it scripted that he said it twice, where the writer's trying to find the right line for Al since he was background up until this point. I love this joke, performance, and the way the cast reacted to it so much that I just had to ask.

I don’t know which writer came up with it.  It was definitely scripted exactly as it aired.  I believe season two.  Al Rosen, who was a regular extra, just had a great look and voice.  

His official character name became “Man Who Said Sinatra.”   David Isaacs and I first used him in a season three episode we wrote.

Al Rosen was a very interesting guy.  A former wrestler.  

And finally, from BG:

I know reboots are kinda passé now, but if you and David Isaacs were offered the chance to head a revival of a past sitcom you worked on, which would it be?

ALMOST PERFECT, the CBS show we did starring Nancy Travis.  Then BIG WAVE DAVE’S.  

It might be hard to reboot MARY since the star, Mary Tyler Moore, is no longer with us.  Or the co-star, James Farentino.   (But happily, John Astin is still going strong.  He’s 90, God bless him.)  

What’s your Friday Question.  May this be “Christmas the way it ought to be.”  

My Zoom play reading for GUILTY PLEASURES: AN UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY continues through Sunday.  Sail away for some sex and laughs.  

Here's the link.  

Free Zoom Reading of my Play! UPDATE

UPDATE: My full-length play, GUILTY PLEASURES: AN UNAPOLOGETIC COMEDY was scheduled to be produced last summer at the Cape May Stage in New Jersey.   It was canceled of course.  But now comes a Zoom reading from the Cape May Stage with a terrific cast.  It is available now and all technical issues have been resolved.  It's a very funny play.  Who couldn't use a laugh these days?  Or a reminder that we once could travel and do things? 

Here's where you go to watch it. 

The cast includes Stacey Harris, Buddy Haardt, Annie Abrams, Dane Oliver, and Tony Pasquilini as "Etienne." 

Enjoy!