Friday Questions

Halfway through the month, which means we’re much closer to the 20th.  Here are this week’s FRIDAY QUESTIONS.

YEKIMI starts us off.  

I've noticed recently [and this goes back for decades] but it seems that when the credits at the beginning of a TV show/movie roll the director is always listed last. Any reason for this or is it just something that has always been done and Hollywood just doesn't like breaking with tradition?

This is something that has been negotiated by the Directors Guild of America.  If credits come at the start of a movie or TV show, the director receives the last credit.  If the credits are at the end, the director gets the first credit.

Now that’s the rule in America.  Internationally, it might be different.

From kcross:

I remember that you would take improv classes a few years back. Have you tried any since the shutdown? How were they better (or worse)?

Yes.  I’m in Andy Goldberg’s workshop and we’ve been doing Zoom improv since last March.  Usually two-person scenes with everyone else off camera.   

I have to say it works better than I thought it would.   But I do miss being able to do physical comedy or just be active during a scene.    Still, as a placeholder, improv on Zoom has been a great creative outlet.  

Scotty Watson in New York also teaches improv on line and is terrific. 

ReticentRabbit queries:

When an actor directs himself or herself in an episode, how does that work?

First of all, when an actor of a series directs an episode it’s usually one where he’s light in it.   The hard part is obviously an actor having to judge himself and the others while performing.  Sometimes they’ll have someone to rely on off-camera who can provide some feedback.  Otherwise, it’s just their judgement.

The technical part is easier because the Director of Photography or Camera Coordinator can keep an eye on the camera to make sure it’s shooting what the director planned.  

Actors are generally good directors because they know how to talk to other actors.  They’ve also experienced multiple directors so they themselves know what they like and don’t like in a director.  

The only time it got weird was on this one show where supporting actors occasionally got to direct.   Normally a lovely person, this one actor became Jekyll & Hyde when he directed.   Snapping at people, even his fellow cast members.  Then the following week he was back to his usual lovable self.  I don’t know why the rest of the cast didn’t kill him.  

And finally, from DEJ:  

How long would it take you to write a half hour show if you were doing it on your own? You will probably answer, "how long is a piece of string"? but a ball park figure would be of great interest.

It has changed over the years.  It used to take me much longer when I was starting out.  But now, after more years than I care to reveal, I can write a half-hour script in probably four days — three if there was really a time crunch.    

But like I said, in the early days the same script would take me two weeks.  I’ve put in my 10,000 hours (probably times 5).  

What’s your Friday Question? 

EP207: All Things WINGS Part 1

Ken talks to Rob Leszczak, who wrote “The Complete Guide to the TV Sitcom WINGS.”  Between Rob’s research and Ken’s personal recollections of working on WINGS,  it’s a fascinating insider’s look at a sitcom that deserved way more respect than it received.  

 

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Stephen Sondheim -- TV sitcom writer

 In 1953 a new sitcom premiered called TOPPER.  It was based on the movie TOPPER (which was based on a book) about a stuffy buttoned-down banker haunted by two carefree ghosts.  Cary Grant and Constance Bennett played the ghostly couple.   On TV the hot couple was played by Anne Jeffreys & Robert Sterling, and Leo G. Carroll (Mr. Waverly from THE MAN FROM UNCLE) played Cosmo Topper.  

One of the writers was a 23 year-old kid named Stephen Sondheim.  

He showed a lot of promise.  Wrote eleven episodes.  And they're among the best. But he gave up comedy writing to go into song writing.  Pity.  He could have had a very successful career. 

But seriously, how does Stephen Sondheim wind up in Los Angeles writing for TOPPER?   His mentor, Oscar Hammerstein II introduced him to George Oppenheimer, a playwright and screenwriter.  Oppenheimer had been hired to write TOPPER and wanted someone to help him shoulder the load.  

Sondheim got the job although he had never written a professional script.  He moved out to LA and was paid $300 a week.  Once he had saved enough money to rent an apartment in New York he left.  

The rest of course is history.  But for one brief moment Sondheim was slumming as a sitcom writer.  He went on to become one of the greatest Broadway composers of all-time.  And me, I'm singing, "I'm still here."  

Steven Wright on ALMOST PERFECT

Yesterday I posted some great lines from Steven Wright.  And you guys provided a few more.  We used him once on ALMOST PERFECT -- our mid 90's series starring Nancy Travis -- and he was hilarious.  Here, for the first time, is that episode.  Enjoy.

The Wright stuff

Few comics are as original as Steven Wright.  He also has a unique deadpan delivery.  I got to direct him once in an episode of ALMOST PERFECT where he played a party planner.  Here are some of his famous quotes.  Enjoy.

The Quotes of Steven Wright:

 

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 Thanks to my friend, David Fury, for turning me on to these quotes.

Weekend Post

 
I get a lot of questions about the “Bar Wars” episodes of CHEERS that my partner, David Isaacs and I wrote. So here are the FAQ’s.

Did we purposely plan for the Cheers gang to lose every time?

Yes. Except for the last one. Frustration is much funnier than victory. The trick however, was to find different ways for them to lose – or screw themselves. Guess I grew up watching too many Road Runner cartoons.

What about the last Bar Wars in the final season?

Ultimately, we decided to not only let Cheers win but to demolish Gary’s Olde Towne Tavern once and for all. We’re nothing if not vengeful. Trivia note: That is the only episode of CHEERS that I appear in. I’m sitting at the bar in an early scene.

Who played Gary?

The answer is: which time? We had two actors who played Gary, in no particular order. The first time the character appeared, Joel Polis played him in a 1985 episode called “From Beer to Eternity”. When we wrote the first Bar Wars episode Joe wasn’t available. It was the very end of the season. We had no other scripts so we just had to recast. Robert Desiderio became Gary. For Bar Wars II we went back to Joel Polis and used him one other time. Otherwise, it was Robert Desiderio. Confusing? Not as confusing as WONDER WOMAN 1984.

What is your favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars V. My partner came up with this idea. Sam’s prank kills Gary. Or at least that’s what Sam thinks. If you can’t get laughs with a man digging up a grave you’re not a comedy writer.

What is your least favorite Bar Wars episode?

Bar Wars VI. The gang thinks a wise guy buys Gary’s bar so a prank unleashes the Mafia after them. We were reaching. And sometimes too clever for our own good. In Bar Wars II, there’s a Bloody Mary contest. We had a number of twists and turns, and after turning in the script, the staff added a few more. By the end I think there were maybe six too many. It was the BIG SLEEP of Bar Wars episodes – no one alive can tell you exactly what happened.

Was it hard to plot these episodes?

Yes. Very. These episodes were a bitch to conceive and then hard to write because there was always so much story. By nature, exposition and set ups are not inherently funny and entertaining. We had to pull a lot of jokes out of nowhere.

What was your favorite gag?

Filling Rebecca’s office with sheep. That’s the power of being a writer. You come up with a goofy idea. And voila, there are fifty sheep being herded onto the set. I’m sure the guy who came up with snakes on the plane had the same heady feeling.

There are some Bar Wars type episodes not called Bar Wars. How come?

Those were episodes not originally designed to be bar wars but evolved into them. Or they were competitions not practical joke wars, per se. In other words, I dunno. I’m still trying to figure out BAR WARS II.

And finally, are you that diabolical?

Let’s just say I hope you’re not allergic to sheep.

Friday Questions

First Friday Questions of the new year.  What’s yours?

John Royal leads off.

I have a question about “Becker” (which I still believe to be one of the funniest shows ever). Why didn’t Becker wear a lab coat? Every doctor I’ve ever had has worn either a lab coat or scrubs. And how is working with Ted Danson?

Especially in private practice, there’s no law that a doctor has to wear a lab coat.  Becker was a great doctor who also did things his own way.   Not wearing a lab coat was more in his character.  

To answer your second question: Of all the actors I've ever worked with, Ted is my favorite.  So a "thumbs up" on that. 

Brother Herbert asks:

Reading the Q&A about when filming for M*A*S*H started and wrapped, you mentioned having a "stable of top notch directors" and it got me wondering: How were/are directors assigned to helm episodes? Is it more or less a rotation depending on availability and specific needs for an episode?

All of the above.  Because directors were given a few days to prep, plan their schedule, arrange for particular things required in their episode, etc., they couldn’t direct back-to-back episodes.  

Our primary director was Executive Producer, Burt Metcalfe.  And we had several directors we’d used and liked and depending on their availability we folded them into the schedule.  We also tried to bring on a couple of new directors each year.

Additionally, some of the actors directed.  Alan directed several episodes, Harry Morgan did one a year, and Mike Farrell also got behind the camera.  

Occasionally we would marry a particular episode with a director we felt would be strong for that subject matter.  Case in point was getting Charles Dubin to direct our “Point of View” episode.  It still pisses me off that he didn’t win an Emmy for that. He did an absolutely masterful job. 

From Sparks:

Have you ever done product placement in one of your shows? Been asked to? How about dropping in a name of a business you like as a free plug?

I mentioned this several times in the blog and on the podcast, but for the movie VOLUNTEERS we do a scene where Rita Wilson drinks a Coca Cola, but that was only because it was organic to the story.   Later, Coca Cola owned the studio and we were accused of pandering.  But that was eight or nine years after we wrote the scene.

As a show runner, I’ve never been approached to insert a product for payment or a favor.   Nor would I entertain it.  

And finally, from curious Craig:

Friday Question about an actor prepping ancillary skills for a role. I just read that Riz Ahmed spent seven months learning how to play drums for an upcoming movie. I suppose that makes sense if he's the main character and his drumming is a main plot of the film. What about when it's only a smaller part? I've heard lots of stories about actors learning skills before shooting began...I can't think of many right now except Cary Elwes and the grueling sword training he had for The Princess Bride (in which his swordsmanship was just a few scenes in the film). Who decides (studio, the actor, the director) how seriously the actor needs to learn this stuff, and is the actor paid for it all even if it's several months of training before shooting starts?

Sometimes the director will request it, but most often it’s the actor taking it upon himself to really prepare for the role.  I don't know who pays for it.  But the dedication that some actors have to their craft is simply amazing.  And hey, it’s always handy to have fencing skills. 

EP206: CHEERS commentary track: Boys in the Bar

A popular feature.  Ken does a commentary track on the controversial “Boys in the Bar” episode of CHEERS that he and David Isaacs wrote.  Hear about the inspiration, execution, reaction, and behind-the-scenes nuggets.  

Listen to other podcasts similar to this on iTunes!

Listen to the Hollywood & Levine podcast!

Peter Gunn

Being locked down since March I’ve watched or binged most everything.  Now I’m hunting around, looking for anything offbeat.  

On ME-TV I discovered that in the middle of the night on weekends (not exactly primetime), they run episodes of PETER GUNN.  I suspect most of you are saying, “Who?”

PETER GUNN was a private detective show that aired from 1958-61 on two networks (NBC for the first two years, ABC on the third).  114 episodes were made.   (Today, over three years series would be lucky to make 39.)  

Craig Stevens played a PI but not your Raymond Chandler hard-boiled detective.  He was polished, well-dressed, sophisticated — more James Bond than Sam Spade.  

It was created by Blake Edwards, who later went on to write and direct such film classics as THE PINK PANTHER series, THE GREAT RACE, and VICTOR/VICTORIA.  

But the real stars of the show were Henry Mancini, Philip Lathrop and William Spencer.    Who? Who? Who?

Okay, you might’ve heard of Henry Mancini.  He did the music including the iconic theme.   The other two gentlemen were the cinematographers.  

PETER GUNN was the most stylish detective show on the air.  Shot in black-and-white, but the cinematography was eye-popping.  The use of light and shadows would make Orson Welles stand and applaud.  Camera angles are sometimes unusual or from the ceiling.  They really created a cool mood.  And the music was modern jazz.   

The price for all this, of course, is that the show really looks like a time-piece, in the same way that MIAMI VICE does.  But it’s a fun time-piece to watch.  

Also notable is that PETER GUNN is only a half-hour.  And you know what?  You don’t need a full hour to tell detective stories.  So many of them are padded or cluttered with subplots and red herrings.   A half-hour is more than enough time to set up the problem, go through four or five steps and resolve it.   There’s always a fight scene, Gunn is held at gunpoint, and Lola Albright is making out with him.  The scripts are high on banter and Noir.  Double entendres fly.  But what would you expect when your lead character is named two euphemisms for penis?   

Another refreshing change is his relationship with the police lieutenant played by Herschel Bernardi.  They actually get along.  Bernardi never says, “Stay out of it, Gunn!  This is my territory!”   By doing that alone they’re able to cut a half-hour out of each story.  

What struck me most about PETER GUNN was that it had a clear vision.  The look, music, dialogue were distinctive.  I’m guessing Blake Edwards didn’t get a slew of network and studio notes.   I’m betting he didn’t have to get network approval for every writer and director.  Edwards was able to give a directing assignment to a young nobody named Robert Altman.  

If you’re up at 4 in the morning some weekend, check it out.  If nothing else, that theme song will be an earworm that will last for days. 

In response to yesterday's post

  Interesting reaction to yesterday's post.  

Many of you reacted to the plight of theater owners like AMC with "good riddance."   The experience of going to a theater to see a movie on the big screen has become somewhat of an ordeal.  And theater chains have let it happen and in some respects contributed to it.  

Readers cite high ticket prices, inflated concession prices, cutback on staff, endless trailers, and commercials as some reasons to avoid their local cineplex.  

And then there is the behavior of the patrons.  Texting, fiddling with their iPhones, thus shining distracting lights, talking to one another, talking on the phone, and basically having zero regard for anyone else in the auditorium.   Other than Alamo Drafthouse, I don't know of another theater chain that enforces no cellphone use or talking.   They'll throw people out.  Everyone else does nothing or perhaps issues worthless warnings.  

As one commenter stated, these chains have been getting away with this for years and the time of reckoning has come.  

Maybe you have to be from a certain generation, but I've always had a reverence for movies and the need to see them as they were intended to be shown -- on the big screen in a theater.  My sense is most people in the general public don't feel that way.  Which is a shame but totally understandable given the circumstances.   There's little or no allegiance to theater chains because they don't offer a pleasing experience.  And instead of improving, the experience gets worse and worse over time.  

And the irony of course, is that the audience that theaters are hoping to attract (young people EXCLUSIVELY) are the ones who cause most of the disruptions and the ones least likely to have any loyalty to the theater.  They're the ones no longer interested in going unless it's a big mega-event, and even then that's a few times a year max.   Gone are the Friday night "date night" movies.  

Yes, giant conglomerates are killing the theater business.  But theater owners better take a good hard look at how they contributed and what they can do in the future to get the audience back.  It's certainly worse than I even thought.  So just opening your doors won't do it. 

The Warner Brothers announcement that shocked Hollywood... but not me

Warner Brothers Pictures recently announced they were putting their entire slate of 2021 releases on HBO Max the same time they’re releasing them to theaters.  This has theater chains and filmmakers all up in arms.   For good reason.   Media pundits are calling this unprecedented.  Uh, no.  It’s happened before.  

Let’s go back to the ‘80s and that now quaint form of entertainment -- television.   If you had a hit sitcom the studio would sell it into syndication to the highest bidders.  If you happened to be a writer or actor or director who had a piece of the show you got insanely rich.  The studios would get richer, but that’s fair.  They also laid out all the money above the license fee to produce the show.  And lots of shows fail and the studios lose money.  But still, in success, everybody scored big.  

Then the studios started launching cable networks.  And of course they needed product.  Let’s take MASH — an absolute cash cow in syndication.  Owned by 20th Century Fox.  The studio debuted FX.  The studio decided to run multiple episodes of MASH.  Its value in syndication dropped because no longer were local markets the exclusive provider of the show.  20th made less money on MASH.  But they made more money on FX.  They sold and kept all the advertising.  Anyone who was a profit participant in MASH got screwed.   As a result, Alan Alda sued 20th and won a hefty settlement.   

The point is 20th was more concerned with their cable channel than one of their shows.   This type of thing happens when giant conglomerates take over studios.  

AT&T now owns Time-Warner, which included HBO Max.  The future in broadcast platforms is streaming.  And the competition is fierce.  Once it pretty much was just Netflix and Hulu as a distant second.  Now there’s HBO Max, Apple +, Disney +, Amazon Prime, CBS All Access, Peacock with more on the way.  People aren’t gong to pay $14 a month to seven streaming services.  Maybe they’ll pop for two.  Each of these streaming services is owned by giant behemoths like Apple, Amazon, Viacom, Comcast, and Disney.  They’ve spent billions to launch their services.  In time some are going to go away or be swallowed up.  At the moment, the race is on and the stakes are enormous.  

HBO Max got off to a disappointing start.  I don’t know what their expectations were but they didn’t meet them.  So to give their service a shot in the arm, AT&T has decided to release all new WB movies on HBO Max.  Now they’ll say they’re doing it for the fans.  But that’s utter bullshit.  They’re doing it to bolster HBO Max.   

So what if you’re a profit participant in one of those films?  Forget about the $100,00,000 opening weekend and your cut (once the pandemic is finally over).  It’ll open at a tiny fraction of that.  You get fucked.  You see the pattern?   And add this to that:  the filmmakers who produced the 2021 slate of WB films were always under the impression their films would first be released in theaters.  When you do a picture for Netflix you know it’s destined for the small screen.  But not a WB project.  So the rug was pulled out from under them.  

Oh, and how’d you like to own AMC theaters?  

I’m waiting to see if other conglomerates do the same thing.  The theater experience is slowly coming to an end. Watching a film with lots of other people, all laughing or cheering or gasping or whatever enhances the movie experience.  And that is going away other than big IMAX CGI superhero sequels.  It’s a shame really.  The entertainment industry has always been about money.  But at one time the people in charge also loved movies.  Today, they couldn’t care less.  Which also means they couldn’t care less about YOU.   Not exactly a "happy ending." 

Last minute holiday laughs

As the holiday season comes to a close and you begin to dread having to take down the tree and all the decorations, grab 90 minutes of late holiday spirit by checking out my Zoom play, ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS.   Start the year with some laughs.

Weekend Post

Edward Anhalt was one of the great screenwriters of all-time. A multi-Oscar winner he amassed a tremendous body of impressive work.

In the early 60’s he learned that producer Hal B. Wallis was planning to make a movie of the play BECKET. That subject matter was Anhalt’s absolute passion. He considered himself an expert on the era. No one knew the period as well. He went to Wallis with an impassioned plea that he and he alone was right for this assignment. Wallis made him a deal. Anhalt could write BECKET but he had another project that also needed a writer. If Anhalt would do that first he could have his coveted assignment. Anhalt happily agreed.

So in the same year Mr. Edward Anhalt wrote BECKET and GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS starring Elvis Presley and Stella Stevens.

Moral of this story: If you’re lucky enough to get an assignment on some horrible cheesy show on some streaming platform no one has ever heard of about kids in leprechaun jr. high take heart. Next year you could be on THIS IS US. 

Thank God it's 2021

Friday Questions return next week.

Usually on New Years Day, I do a feature where I hope this year is for you what last year was for... and then I list all the people who had a great year -- award winners, big successes, championships, etc.  

But last year was truly awful.  I spent 42 weeks of it in lockdown.  My last social activity around people was a funeral in the rain.  If there are two highlights of 2020 the first is that our democracy was saved when Trump lost the election -- and yes, he LOST the election -- over 80,000,000 people hate his fucking guts -- he LOST.   And second, we have two vaccines with more on the way.  

Beyond that, I can't even remember who won Oscars, sports with no fans and shortened seasons with playoff games in neutral sites seem meaningless (even though two LA teams won championships), the pandemic, the economy, a political party willing to abandon the Constitution they were sworn to follow and protect for the sake of showing allegiance to the worst president and traitor this country has ever known -- 2020 sucked.  

So on to 2021.  May this be a year of healing, rebuilding, justice, science, tolerance, and the return of the United States of America.  

Podcast Picks

New podcast episodes begin next week.  In the meantime, here are a few from the archives that are pretty terrific and might hold you over.  Besides, what else is there to do on New Year's Eve?

I spoke with Dennis Palumbo, a successful screenwriter turned therapist.  He's got some great advice in these shitty... I mean "trying" times.

You can find it here.

Next for all you FRASIER fans, Bruce Miller who wrote the theme song discusses the process and shares a never before version.

You can find it here.

And finally, the art of improv comedy.

This is where you'll find it.

Have a SAFE and sane New Year's Eve.  The real celebration comes January 20th.

One last pet peeve for 2020

I bring this up now because if you fall into this category you might want to make a New Year’s Resolution.

I come from the world of broadcasting.   In broadcasting punctuality is paramount.  You can’t be late for your shift.  That’s almost as bad a sin as dead air.   Shows begin at the top of the hour.  You never hear the local news promoted as “Details at elevenish.”   To me, being on time is not just a point of pride but a requirement of the job, like combing your hair and not showing up on crack.  

So in the business world it rankles me when workers make an appointment, either to come to the house, or just a meeting — and they’re considerably late (without a good excuse like a meteor fell on the freeway — and even then, did it block all four lanes?).  To me, it’s a signal that the worker doesn’t give a shit.  If he doesn’t care about showing up on time, how good can his actual work be?  

This extends to personal relationships as well.  Certain people are chronically tardy.  And in many cases they’re not even apologetic about it.  What that says to me is their time is way more important than mine.  I'm sorry, but that’s incredibly rude.  And I’ve dropped people from my life because they do that.

Sure, everyone gets hung up on occasion.  Shit happens.  But text the other person that you’re running late.  Show some consideration.  Don’t just sweep in a half hour late and say you’re famished.   I think keeping people waiting at restaurants (back when we could go to restaurants) has increased because the late arriver just assumes the other person can occupy themselves with their phone.  Still, my time is just as valuable as yours!  

You’re an intelligent person (okay, assuming you also believe in science and don’t give money to the Orange Toxic Sewage), you know that it takes you longer to get out of the house, load the truck, whatever — just back-time accordingly.  You’re meeting someone for dinner at 7:00.  It takes twenty minutes to the get to the restaurant, a half hour to shower and get ready, ten minutes to feed the dog.  That means if you start the process at 6:00 you’re on time.   It’s going to take the same hour if you start at 6:00 or 6:40 — just PLAN.  

I also see a lot of these people begin to get ready and then get distracted.  They begin another task in the middle thinking it’ll just take a minute.  If you’re that person allow 90 minutes to get ready for a 7:00 appointment.  

Time management is not drug addiction.  Seems to me it just requires effort.  And I say that because if the event or meeting or job is important to the chronically late person, he is always on time.  And you know that’s true.  

I’m not saying you have to be everywhere an hour early.  Just on time.  If you have to be somewhere at 7 and you’ve back-timed to 6, just set an alarm on your phone to remind you and you should be good to go.  

Trust me, your friends, lovers, co-workers, and customers will thank you (and not dump you or fire you).  So please, to whom it may concern: make this a New Year’s Resolution. And don’t start it on January 2nd. 

Year end leftovers

This has been the year of baking, hasn’t it?  Probably more muffins, cookies, brownies, and banana bread were made this year than any other in recorded history (although who would record that history?). 

And as a society we’ve gotten way better at video games this year.   I'm still old school.  Tetris.  

Pictured above is the best movie of the season by far.  SOUL is Pixar's newest gem.  Wonderful and touching and dazzling.  It's on Disney +.  I can't recommend it enough.  

From one of the funniest writers I know, Arnie Kogan, comes this observation:  "Because of COVID the circus is allowing only three people in every clown car."  

I did a lot of writing this year.  It was weird writing for the theatre when there is no theatre and no timetable for when it might return.  

Lots of writers I know basically wrote nothing this year, and I totally understand that too.  Being in lockdown there is a real lack of stimuli.  It’s harder to generate ideas when you can’t get out and experience things and mingle with people.  I hope the stuff I wrote is any good.

I can’t imagine what the Oscars are going to look like next year.  Entertainment Weekly listed their Top 10 movies of the year.  Not only have I not seen any of them; I had never heard of 8 of them.   

Of the limited movies I have watched, SOUL is the best. 

If you haven’t seen my Christmas play, it’s here and I’m told very funny.  

The Grove shopping mall in Los Angeles was packed last week with Christmas shoppers. Worst pandemic in 100 years and LA is the current epicenter.  It’s not like I can blame the Red States for being stupid.  

Hey, BECKER is on the Pluto Channel.  Yes, there’s a Pluto Channel.  Happy searching.  

Advertisers, just so you know:  I will NEVER buy a product I see on a pop-up ad.  NEVER.  NEVER EVER.  Stop it!!!

ABC was the number one network in entertainment programming for the first time in 20 years.  I stress entertainment, because the networks that all had NFL football kicked ass.  

Oh, and ratings were down for all four networks from last year.  And if they went down during a pandemic when we’re all forced to stay home, that can’t bode well for them when we can return to life again. 

This would have been my grandmother’s 124th birthday.  Now that’s a woman who could bake!

Wonder Woman 1984: My review

As a point of reference, I very much liked the first Wonder Woman movie.  That said, WONDER WOMAN 1984 was a complete and utter mess.  As this endless stink burger unfolded, making no sense, and boring the shit out of me even with all the CGI and special effects — I just kept saying to myself: Gal Gadot is very hot.  I get to watch Gal Gadot for two and a half hours. 

That carried me for the first half hour.  The idiocy and excess of this bloated piece of shit overtook even Gal Gadot. 

So this is what studio movie making is these days?  Costumed superheroes facing end-of-the-world doomsday power-mad cliche villains through a series of cartoon action sequences that destroy national landmarks, entire cities, and a thousand cars.  Schmaltzy moments that are laughable. Scripts that are convoluted and make no sense.  Probably on purpose.  That way the writers don’t have to explain things.  The audience might think they were explained but they just missed it.   Like why is Wonder Woman in 1984 and not the ‘40s?  Is she immortal?  Does she never age?   Has she been here all along?  No.  That can’t be because when she appears as Wonder Woman at the beginning of the film (after the twenty minute completely superfluous Amazon prologue with a ponderous CGI action sequence and not even Gal Gadot), the media is baffled as to who this masturbatory vision with a golden lasso is. 

And why 1984?   Why not 1979?  Or 2074?   There was nothing specific to 1984 in the film.  My only guess is there’s a scene where someone uses a vintage ‘80s phone booth.  Maybe they got a deal on the prop and built the picture around that. 

Like most superhero movies, the writers solve story problems by merely tacking on more superpowers.  Wonder Woman and Chris Pine (who delivers every line the exact same way) want to take a super fighter jet to Cairo. (No one questions why Wonder Woman steals a plane?) But how do they do that undetected?   I take you to the story conference:

Hmmm?  How about this?  Wonder Woman can make the plane invisible!  Yeah! Awesome!  Wait, how does she do that?  Do you want to discuss this or go to lunch?  Invisible plane it is!  Do you think we’ll get an Oscar nomination? 

The movie was directed by Patty Jenkins.  She was heralded as such a genius for WONDER WOMAN.  Same director and she has story credit so don’t drop the dead body at the feet of the writers.  What happened to her genius? 

I caught it on HBO Max.  Thank God I didn’t waste money seeing it in a theater.   My guess is this review is not a shock to you.  It was released three days ago and you probably already heard the word-of-mouth.  Other than the 30 year old males who still live in their mother’s basement and have Gal Gadot action figures, which they do God knows with — I can’t imagine anyone loving this movie. 

It was just announced there's going to be yet another sequel.  But fear not, I have the solution that will save the franchise.   Do WONDER WOMAN 2019 and have her fling Donald Trump into the ionosphere where he can burn and disintegrate.  She’d save over 300,000 lives.  Hey, I’d even pay IMAX prices to see that.  

ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS

In case you're still looking to savor the holiday spirit, here's my play, ON THE FARCE DAY OF CHRISTMAS, done with an All-Star Broadway/Hollywood cast for the New Works Virtual Festival as a benefit for the Actors Fund.  And by "All-Stars" I mean George Wendt, Kerry Butler, Max Crumm, Felicia Boswell, Lynne Stewart, and Anoop Desai.  It's a comedy that the Hallmark Channel would never make in a thousand years.  There's sex and drugs and a Yiddish word.  Enjoy.  (You can also scroll down to this week's weekend post.) 

Weekend Post

Pilot notes can be maddening. And we’ve all received them. Usually they’re of the “can we up the stakes?” or “can we make her nicer?” variety. Whatever they can do to make the show more formula. And if the exec just spent the weekend attending the Robert McKee seminar, look out. He’ll try to turn every show into CASABLANCA.

And this happens more than you think. Often times networks have agendas and the purpose of their notes is to steer you in the direction of those agendas.

Case in point: A project David and I once had at Fox. Now I should point out that this was several years ago and they’ve gone through eight or nine regimes and two or three ownership changes since then. So the policy back then is not necessarily the policy they follow today (although I suspect it is).

Our pilot was an upscale workplace comedy featuring three really bright young men. I mean, Aaron Sorkin bright. The network really liked the first draft and had minimal notes. One was, could we do a scene in a restaurant or bar? Just someplace away from their office. Fair enough. We asked if we could adjust one of the scenes we already had and just move it to a bar, and they were fine with that.

Then they said, “Oh, and we want a hot babe. We need a smokin’ hot babe”. We said, “No problem. We’ll need a waitress anyway”. And they said, “Oh, not just for this show. We need her to be a series regular.”

Now this threw us a little. I asked, “To do what?”

And this was their answer:

“We don’t care. We just want a hot babe in the show”.

We busted out laughing.  What else could we do???

Now they could have said, “We feel it would provide balance” or “it would be nice to have a woman’s perspective in this show” but we all knew that was bullshit. They just wanted tits! This was Fox. On a creative level this addition made no sense, but hey, I applaud their honesty.

Eventually they passed on the show, felt it was too sophisticated and more of an NBC series than Fox. On the other hand, there was one character they really loved. Guess which one.