Or "how I caused a MAJOR shitstorm at NBC".
In 1974 I worked in the research department of NBC. We were in the process of testing that year’s pilots. It was not a good batch. FRAUD SQUAD starring Frank Sinatra Jr., (to this day I believe the worst testing show in history. Not only did the audience not like Frank Sinatra Jr. as the head of the LAPD Fraud Squad, they felt he was dishonest), DOCTOR DOMINGO with Desi Arnaz (trading in Lucy for a talking parrot), the BOB CRANE SHOW (Crane goes back to college, coeds beware), etc. NBC was in a big slump and their development slate was a pack of dogs.
One night during this testing period NBC aired a MOW called “A Case of Rape” starring Elizabeth Montgomery. It got huge numbers. So as a goof I wrote an internal memo to the research department recommending NBC do this as a weekly series.
Well, somehow the memo got out and was released to all department heads including the President of the network, Marvin Antonowsky. He was known as the “Mad Programmer”. Probably that incident is how he got his name. Marvin went bat shit. I was summoned to his office to make a formal apology. Wisely, I did not take that opportunity to drop off my spec script.
My tenure at NBC ended a couple of weeks later when I got a disc jockey job in Detroit. And that ended my venture into the corporate world. But who knows? If I didn’t make that faux pas maybe I would have risen up through the ranks. After 33 years I bet I'd be Vice President of Children’s Programming today.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Wendy Wasserstein 1950-2006
Wendy Wasserstein was a trailblazer in American theatre. She represented a group that has long been considered second class citizens, that rarely gets respect or is even taken seriously. That group of course, is comedy writers.
You thought I was going to say women, didn’t you? Well yeah, she did all that too. And you can throw in a voice of our generation. But she did more. She made her mark using comedy.
There is no more haughty self-important community than the New York thea-tah scene. For a play to be important it had to be a “drahhhma”. It had to challenge, elevate, disturb, enlighten (confuse?...bore?). Comedies were crowd pleasing little trifles. Wendy Wasserstein changed that. She wrote thought provoking, challenging, enlightening plays that were real and FUNNY. She won Tonys and Pulitzers and proved that comedy writers could eat at the grown up table too.
I hope they name a theatre after her or an honorary Tony in her name or whatever these people do to pay tribute to their own. A sandwich, a drink at Sardis even. I mean, there are streets on Broadway for Cousin Brucie and Senor Wences for godsakes. Wendy Wasserstein will be greatly missed – by comedy writers, by women, by her generation, by anyone who loves to be transported by the magic and power of the theatre. She deserved a happier ending…and a much longer run.
You thought I was going to say women, didn’t you? Well yeah, she did all that too. And you can throw in a voice of our generation. But she did more. She made her mark using comedy.
There is no more haughty self-important community than the New York thea-tah scene. For a play to be important it had to be a “drahhhma”. It had to challenge, elevate, disturb, enlighten (confuse?...bore?). Comedies were crowd pleasing little trifles. Wendy Wasserstein changed that. She wrote thought provoking, challenging, enlightening plays that were real and FUNNY. She won Tonys and Pulitzers and proved that comedy writers could eat at the grown up table too.
I hope they name a theatre after her or an honorary Tony in her name or whatever these people do to pay tribute to their own. A sandwich, a drink at Sardis even. I mean, there are streets on Broadway for Cousin Brucie and Senor Wences for godsakes. Wendy Wasserstein will be greatly missed – by comedy writers, by women, by her generation, by anyone who loves to be transported by the magic and power of the theatre. She deserved a happier ending…and a much longer run.
Monday, January 30, 2006
Falling stars
Big article in the LA Times CALENDAR section Monday bemoaning the fact that today we have so few legitimate “movie stars” (Hollywood’s version of the Great Depression). Don’t tell that to the actors themselves. As far as they’re concerned they’re bigger and shine brighter than ever. They’re also under the delusion that their stardom will last. Approach one of these thesps to star in a television series and they will take it as an insult.
Well, guess what – sooner or later you’re all coming to us little people of the little screen. That’s right. You may have your Oscar and religion and entourage. You may have your vanity production company, a little yapping dog that you always carry in your purse, and star on Hollywood Blvd in front of the Museum of Bras – but sometime in the future you’re ours.
If there’s such a thing as “Murphy’s Law” I call this “Murphy Brown’s Law”. Candice Bergan, Whoopi, Bette, Geena, Spader, both Sheens …. The list goes on and on.
Movie people consider television the Fredo Corleone of entertainment even though most movie stars today made names for themselves by originally being on TV.
What usually happens is this: their career starts going south. Three straight flops, age catches up (29), a new Flavor-of-the-Month arrives, having a kid by Billy Bob Thornton – these are just the common reasons.
Your agent starts getting inquiries. Instead of laughing in your face he says “she’s not ready yet but maybe in a year”. This means the only offer she’s received in the last few months is the PROJECT GREENLIGHT movie and they want her to read for the 14 year old director. Check back in a week.
The next step is the agent informing the networks that their client “might” be available for someone to build a show around them. This list is distributed to studios and producers. I’m always amused that on this list are always two or three who include the condition “will only meet with A-level writers”. Invariably, these are actors who have never received higher than seventh billing.
A year later they’re in – starring in pilots, reading for pilots, doing a four show guest arc on a prestigious series, joining the cast of an established hit. At first it’s hard, a come down. But then they discover something – television is a great life! Big money, major recognition, steady work, three to six months off – all the things that were there the first time they were in TV and couldn’t wait to leave.
It turns out Fredo’s not so bad after all.
Jack Black – see you in five years. Jennifer Aniston – welcome back in three.
Well, guess what – sooner or later you’re all coming to us little people of the little screen. That’s right. You may have your Oscar and religion and entourage. You may have your vanity production company, a little yapping dog that you always carry in your purse, and star on Hollywood Blvd in front of the Museum of Bras – but sometime in the future you’re ours.
If there’s such a thing as “Murphy’s Law” I call this “Murphy Brown’s Law”. Candice Bergan, Whoopi, Bette, Geena, Spader, both Sheens …. The list goes on and on.
Movie people consider television the Fredo Corleone of entertainment even though most movie stars today made names for themselves by originally being on TV.
What usually happens is this: their career starts going south. Three straight flops, age catches up (29), a new Flavor-of-the-Month arrives, having a kid by Billy Bob Thornton – these are just the common reasons.
Your agent starts getting inquiries. Instead of laughing in your face he says “she’s not ready yet but maybe in a year”. This means the only offer she’s received in the last few months is the PROJECT GREENLIGHT movie and they want her to read for the 14 year old director. Check back in a week.
The next step is the agent informing the networks that their client “might” be available for someone to build a show around them. This list is distributed to studios and producers. I’m always amused that on this list are always two or three who include the condition “will only meet with A-level writers”. Invariably, these are actors who have never received higher than seventh billing.
A year later they’re in – starring in pilots, reading for pilots, doing a four show guest arc on a prestigious series, joining the cast of an established hit. At first it’s hard, a come down. But then they discover something – television is a great life! Big money, major recognition, steady work, three to six months off – all the things that were there the first time they were in TV and couldn’t wait to leave.
It turns out Fredo’s not so bad after all.
Jack Black – see you in five years. Jennifer Aniston – welcome back in three.
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Celebrity Fit Club
I have a new favorite show – CELEBRITY FIT CLUB on VH1. Ohmygod! Reality television at its most absurd...for now. Overweight quasi-celebrities form teams, compete in grueling physical challenges like rolling a big ball 200 yards, and weigh-in before a stern three member board consisting of a doctor, psychologist, and drill sergeant.
I know. It sounds like a sketch.
At the end of the show the teams climb onto the world’s sturdiest balance scale and the squad that has lost the most weight wins. It is the same scale that determined that Los Angeles is heavier than San Francisco.
The host is America’s game show master – Ant. He delighted the audience by doing a dick joke two minutes into the show. Somewhere Wink Martindale is crying.
The weigh-in is a riot. The celebrities (?) get on the scale fully clothed. In the case of jumbo rapper, Bizarre that meant a heavy letterman jacket and enough jewelry around his neck to break a horse. When told he weighed 300 pounds he said, “Yeah, but I feel slimmer”.
Big dramatic moment: Jeff Conaway had a complete meltdown and was tossed off the show. The strain of not being able to eat whole cakes must’ve been too much for him. He was replaced by Gunner Nelson (whose big talent is that he’s Ricky Nelson’s son). Too bad Nelson didn’t replace Conaway on TAXI too.
Nice touch breaking for commercial and showing the trailer for BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2.
Bruce Villanch was another of the celebrities (?). He is enormous now, weighing well over 315 pounds (although to be fair, the camera does add ten pounds). He’s so fat and so out of shape that instead of participating in physical challenges he sits off to the side wearing a heart monitor. Bizarre has asthma so he’s on the bench too. It’s not exactly the Marines.
Then there’s Kelly LeBrock. I gasped. Gravity and middle age is a bitch. I don’t think the WEIRD SCIENCE nerds would be making a robot of her today. Kelly’s target weight loss this week is three pounds. She could achieve that easily by not getting another collagen injection.
Among the other celebrities (?):
Chastity Bono (Chris Farley lives). Growing up she must’ve eaten her meals and mom’s. That explains why both of them look the way they do today.
Countess Vaughn…who I guess is an actress. She’s lost a lot more parts than weight lately.
And former Cosby kid, Tempestt Bledsoe. They should rename the show CELEBRITY CAREER AUTOPSIES.
And of course the psychologist they hired, Dr. Linda -- there to make them feel better about themselves -- is slim and smoking hot. (And by the way, good job with Jeff Conaway, Dr. L.)
For sheer guilty pleasure this show can’t be beat. Grab a bag of Oreo Double-Stuffs and tune in next week when they all participate in life guard drills.
I know. It sounds like a sketch.
At the end of the show the teams climb onto the world’s sturdiest balance scale and the squad that has lost the most weight wins. It is the same scale that determined that Los Angeles is heavier than San Francisco.
The host is America’s game show master – Ant. He delighted the audience by doing a dick joke two minutes into the show. Somewhere Wink Martindale is crying.
The weigh-in is a riot. The celebrities (?) get on the scale fully clothed. In the case of jumbo rapper, Bizarre that meant a heavy letterman jacket and enough jewelry around his neck to break a horse. When told he weighed 300 pounds he said, “Yeah, but I feel slimmer”.
Big dramatic moment: Jeff Conaway had a complete meltdown and was tossed off the show. The strain of not being able to eat whole cakes must’ve been too much for him. He was replaced by Gunner Nelson (whose big talent is that he’s Ricky Nelson’s son). Too bad Nelson didn’t replace Conaway on TAXI too.
Nice touch breaking for commercial and showing the trailer for BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2.
Bruce Villanch was another of the celebrities (?). He is enormous now, weighing well over 315 pounds (although to be fair, the camera does add ten pounds). He’s so fat and so out of shape that instead of participating in physical challenges he sits off to the side wearing a heart monitor. Bizarre has asthma so he’s on the bench too. It’s not exactly the Marines.
Then there’s Kelly LeBrock. I gasped. Gravity and middle age is a bitch. I don’t think the WEIRD SCIENCE nerds would be making a robot of her today. Kelly’s target weight loss this week is three pounds. She could achieve that easily by not getting another collagen injection.
Among the other celebrities (?):
Chastity Bono (Chris Farley lives). Growing up she must’ve eaten her meals and mom’s. That explains why both of them look the way they do today.
Countess Vaughn…who I guess is an actress. She’s lost a lot more parts than weight lately.
And former Cosby kid, Tempestt Bledsoe. They should rename the show CELEBRITY CAREER AUTOPSIES.
And of course the psychologist they hired, Dr. Linda -- there to make them feel better about themselves -- is slim and smoking hot. (And by the way, good job with Jeff Conaway, Dr. L.)
For sheer guilty pleasure this show can’t be beat. Grab a bag of Oreo Double-Stuffs and tune in next week when they all participate in life guard drills.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Anna of a thousand quotes
Having broadcast major league baseball for seven years I got the chance to meet quite a few “players’ wives”. Usually attractive in that charming “I’m a former prom queen so fuck you” way, they’d go to the games decked to the nines in every piece of jewelry they owned. Every night was prom night, even if it was 100 degrees and “Beer Night” in Kansas City. Most were very sweet, all were very cliquey (starting pitchers wives wouldn’t sit with catchers wives, infielders spouses avoided outfielders spouses, and of course no one sat with relievers wives), and very few were rocket scientists. When I was with the Orioles my wife preferred to sit with Cal Ripken’s mother.
In short, most players wives are a piece of work. But nothing compared to Kris Benson’s better half, Anna.
Kris is a grossly overpaid pitcher recently traded to the Orioles from the Mets for a bag of donuts. The Mets PR director can be taken off of suicide watch now.
This is typical Anna: She always bends over whenever photographers are around - like posing in a low-cut Mrs. Claus outfit, with kids, at the Mets' Christmas party - and she’ll do whatever it takes to grab the spotlight: "How are they going to sit there and say it's so controversial when they sign someone like (Carlos) Delgado, who turns his back on our flag?"
Her publicist quickly called a press conference. Yes, she has a publicist. She employs the same firm that handles Israel's Likud Party. Here was her idea of damage control -- she showed up chewing gum, wearing wicked-witch red shoes, an Orioles jersey over jeans, and when she stood up, for one golden moment, the jersey magically opened to reveal white stitches on a baseball bra.
About the Christmas photo op she told the stunned room, "You guys loved it. Say it, you loved it. One picture. I'm kind of miffed about that. Besides, don't these kids' moms not have breasts?"
Nice.
There was talk she was going to pose nude for Playboy and the Mets, surprisingly, wouldn’t let her do it.
But my favorite Anna sound byte was her earlier shot at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA): "I wear fur. I wear dead rabbits and dead minks and dead anything that will keep me warm. I love it. I don't like to be cold, and nothing keeps me warmer than my dead animals. Between my furs and my shoes, I have a whole zoo in my closet. I also love to eat meat. I eat meat twice a day because I need the protein and soy gives me painful gas."
Ohhh Lucy, you got some 'splain' to do!
I think New York is going to miss her. Because for the $22 million that the Mets were paying Kris Benson, these insane quotes are the best thing to come out of the deal. I look forward to her stomach's reaction to crab cakes.
In short, most players wives are a piece of work. But nothing compared to Kris Benson’s better half, Anna.
Kris is a grossly overpaid pitcher recently traded to the Orioles from the Mets for a bag of donuts. The Mets PR director can be taken off of suicide watch now.
This is typical Anna: She always bends over whenever photographers are around - like posing in a low-cut Mrs. Claus outfit, with kids, at the Mets' Christmas party - and she’ll do whatever it takes to grab the spotlight: "How are they going to sit there and say it's so controversial when they sign someone like (Carlos) Delgado, who turns his back on our flag?"
Her publicist quickly called a press conference. Yes, she has a publicist. She employs the same firm that handles Israel's Likud Party. Here was her idea of damage control -- she showed up chewing gum, wearing wicked-witch red shoes, an Orioles jersey over jeans, and when she stood up, for one golden moment, the jersey magically opened to reveal white stitches on a baseball bra.
About the Christmas photo op she told the stunned room, "You guys loved it. Say it, you loved it. One picture. I'm kind of miffed about that. Besides, don't these kids' moms not have breasts?"
Nice.
There was talk she was going to pose nude for Playboy and the Mets, surprisingly, wouldn’t let her do it.
But my favorite Anna sound byte was her earlier shot at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA): "I wear fur. I wear dead rabbits and dead minks and dead anything that will keep me warm. I love it. I don't like to be cold, and nothing keeps me warmer than my dead animals. Between my furs and my shoes, I have a whole zoo in my closet. I also love to eat meat. I eat meat twice a day because I need the protein and soy gives me painful gas."
Ohhh Lucy, you got some 'splain' to do!
I think New York is going to miss her. Because for the $22 million that the Mets were paying Kris Benson, these insane quotes are the best thing to come out of the deal. I look forward to her stomach's reaction to crab cakes.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Why we fight
After yesterday’s post someone wondered why my partner and I still continue to write pilots despite the state of the industry. The facetious but partly true answer lies in a speech I wrote in my play, UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL. It’s about the network upfronts process as played out in a New York hotel suite one of the studios has claimed as its war room. I had a reading of the play last summer and was fortunate enough to put together a sensational cast that included Jason Alexander, Wendie Malick, Ed Asner, Kurtwood Smith, Jennifer Tilly, and Matt Letscher.
At one point Gary (Jason Alexander), a grizzled veteran, is asked the same question by a young writer (Matt Letscher) whose first upfronts has been a nightmare.
GARY
You do it my friend, because more people will see one episode of television you write, even if it finishes dead last in the ratings, than have ever seen all the productions of "Thousand Clowns" put together. And among those millions and millions of viewers there have to be at least one or two of the girls from high school who wouldn't sleep with you. That's why we do it. That's why we'll continue to do it.
***
Touching words I know. Truthfully, writers in television still have way more influence and creative say than screenwriters. And if you’re lucky enough to somehow catch the brass ring, create a show that works – it can be a spectacular (and lucrative) experience.
****
With UPN merging with the Frog this week -- a further example of how huge conglomerates, swallow up, own, and control everything in their path -- I thought I’d post another excerpt from my play,
Here is Walter, the network president’s justification for this new corporate model. Picture Kurtwood Smith as Walter, Jason Alexander as writer Gary and Wendie Malick as writer Beth.
BETH
(to Walter)
So you guys merge with Haleburton and Enron yet?
WALTER
You worried about it?
BETH
No. I just see the trend and worry that someday I'll be living in the "United States of Google".
WALTER
Yeah, yeah. Corporate America, the ultimate evil. Ruining this great country of ours. Here's the story I like to tell. Let's say there's this small town -- real Americana -- Hooterville or Pixley or one of them. They got a nice little Main Street with all these ma and pop businesses. And everyone is real friendly. The owners all know everyone by name. "Becky's getting so big", "I heard little Skip got a telescope", that sort of shit. And then Wal-Mart opens on the edge of town. And everyone goes "who needs Wal-Mart with their big city ways? We're just fine." Well, let me tell you, the first thing Wal-Mart better stock is two-by-fours because that's what the Main Street merchants are going to need to board up their shops. Because the minute Wal-Mart opens people are going to discover that hey, there's more jobs, a much better selection, and at cheaper prices. So what if they don't know my kid's name? I'm saving money!" And what do they do with that extra money? Well it's their choice but they can build better schools, and parks, and roads. So at the end of the day, you look back, and Wal-Mart didn't destroy Hooterville, it saved it.
GARY
That's beautiful. It's like if Michael Milken wrote a children's book.
At one point Gary (Jason Alexander), a grizzled veteran, is asked the same question by a young writer (Matt Letscher) whose first upfronts has been a nightmare.
GARY
You do it my friend, because more people will see one episode of television you write, even if it finishes dead last in the ratings, than have ever seen all the productions of "Thousand Clowns" put together. And among those millions and millions of viewers there have to be at least one or two of the girls from high school who wouldn't sleep with you. That's why we do it. That's why we'll continue to do it.
***
Touching words I know. Truthfully, writers in television still have way more influence and creative say than screenwriters. And if you’re lucky enough to somehow catch the brass ring, create a show that works – it can be a spectacular (and lucrative) experience.
****
With UPN merging with the Frog this week -- a further example of how huge conglomerates, swallow up, own, and control everything in their path -- I thought I’d post another excerpt from my play,
Here is Walter, the network president’s justification for this new corporate model. Picture Kurtwood Smith as Walter, Jason Alexander as writer Gary and Wendie Malick as writer Beth.
BETH
(to Walter)
So you guys merge with Haleburton and Enron yet?
WALTER
You worried about it?
BETH
No. I just see the trend and worry that someday I'll be living in the "United States of Google".
WALTER
Yeah, yeah. Corporate America, the ultimate evil. Ruining this great country of ours. Here's the story I like to tell. Let's say there's this small town -- real Americana -- Hooterville or Pixley or one of them. They got a nice little Main Street with all these ma and pop businesses. And everyone is real friendly. The owners all know everyone by name. "Becky's getting so big", "I heard little Skip got a telescope", that sort of shit. And then Wal-Mart opens on the edge of town. And everyone goes "who needs Wal-Mart with their big city ways? We're just fine." Well, let me tell you, the first thing Wal-Mart better stock is two-by-fours because that's what the Main Street merchants are going to need to board up their shops. Because the minute Wal-Mart opens people are going to discover that hey, there's more jobs, a much better selection, and at cheaper prices. So what if they don't know my kid's name? I'm saving money!" And what do they do with that extra money? Well it's their choice but they can build better schools, and parks, and roads. So at the end of the day, you look back, and Wal-Mart didn't destroy Hooterville, it saved it.
GARY
That's beautiful. It's like if Michael Milken wrote a children's book.
Thursday, January 26, 2006
If you have a pilot...
If you have a comedy pilot in development with one of the major networks here’s probably where you are today.
You sold the idea in September. It used to be you would then construct a story, go in and pitch it to the network two weeks later, work out any kinks with them and then go write your draft.
Now networks want a detailed outline. That means you spend two weeks constructing the story, a week to write the detailed outline, three weeks getting notes from your non-writing producers (“pods”), studio, and network, revising the outline, re-submitting it, waiting another week for everyone’s reaction, and finally getting it approved.
Two months.
You write the first draft. Takes about a month. It always takes longer writing a pilot. You have to discover the characters, feel your way along, and try to jam in story turns that really don’t work but the network/studio/pod wants.
Once you finish the draft I suggest you read it over and enjoy. It might be the last time you recognize it. You submit it to the studio and your pod. Before they even read it a notes call is arranged. There will be notes, that’s a given. Three days go by, you’re lucky if you hear from anyone with at least a reaction. Then comes the conference call. You’re on with seven people -- four execs named David and three junior execs named Stacy.
You get your notes and do another draft. Either the process repeats, or you’re given just a few “polish” notes (one pod started giving us stage direction notes at this time – yeah, he really saved the show), and then your script is submitted to the network. A notes call is immediately arranged. You may think the script is perfect and your studio/pod may think it’s perfect but sight unseen the network knows they will have some problems.
If you’re lucky your agent gets a reaction call. Or the studio or pod. On super rare occasions the network will actually call you, the writer and creator of the show. Usually they dialed by mistake.
This conference call features eleven people – one more David and three Katies. These are the network notes but the lower tier (development department) notes. Once these are done to all eleven peoples’ satisfaction it goes up the ladder, usually to the middle tier VP’s. Writing a pilot is like playing Super Mario Brothers.
Another call. More notes. The script goes back in to the network where it finally is kicked upstairs to the man who will be making the ultimate greenlight decision. All you've accomplished with these previous notes is perhaps this middle tier will send it along with their “recommendation”. Sometimes the man making the decision is only vaguely aware that this project exists. Sometimes he doesn't put a lot of stock in his staff's recommendations. Your future is in his hands.
And that brings us to today. The script is in. You wait. Fox, for example, commissioned 110 scripts this season. They may make thirty pilots (comedy and drama). There may be commitments and penalties attached to certain projects which give them a leg up. Projects from the studio owned by the network have an advantage. Sometimes networks double and triple develop – there may be two other pilots with the exact same arena as yours. One network last year even had two pilots with the same title. Other considerations: their needs, where can your show go, what could they pair it with, do they owe anyone favors, how expensive would the show be, and oh yeah – do they like it?
Suddenly you are in the cone of silence. You call your agent, you call the studio, you call your pod, the studio calls your agent, the agent calls another agent, your pod calls his wife, you call another studio, the studio calls your pod’s wife. You hear rumors. They like it. You gave them just what they ordered (that’s usually the kiss of death). “He” still hasn’t read it. They want to talk to casting. They’re waiting for a few more things to come in. It’s his nephew’s bar mitzah.
And eventually word comes down that a few projects have gotten picked up. Uh oh. Fewer slots. Why haven’t they called you yet? What does this mean? The mind games begin. The phone calls continue.
Hopefully you’ll hear Monday morning. Or maybe not. Which generally means bad news, horrible news. But it could not mean anything at all.
Enjoy your weekend.
You sold the idea in September. It used to be you would then construct a story, go in and pitch it to the network two weeks later, work out any kinks with them and then go write your draft.
Now networks want a detailed outline. That means you spend two weeks constructing the story, a week to write the detailed outline, three weeks getting notes from your non-writing producers (“pods”), studio, and network, revising the outline, re-submitting it, waiting another week for everyone’s reaction, and finally getting it approved.
Two months.
You write the first draft. Takes about a month. It always takes longer writing a pilot. You have to discover the characters, feel your way along, and try to jam in story turns that really don’t work but the network/studio/pod wants.
Once you finish the draft I suggest you read it over and enjoy. It might be the last time you recognize it. You submit it to the studio and your pod. Before they even read it a notes call is arranged. There will be notes, that’s a given. Three days go by, you’re lucky if you hear from anyone with at least a reaction. Then comes the conference call. You’re on with seven people -- four execs named David and three junior execs named Stacy.
You get your notes and do another draft. Either the process repeats, or you’re given just a few “polish” notes (one pod started giving us stage direction notes at this time – yeah, he really saved the show), and then your script is submitted to the network. A notes call is immediately arranged. You may think the script is perfect and your studio/pod may think it’s perfect but sight unseen the network knows they will have some problems.
If you’re lucky your agent gets a reaction call. Or the studio or pod. On super rare occasions the network will actually call you, the writer and creator of the show. Usually they dialed by mistake.
This conference call features eleven people – one more David and three Katies. These are the network notes but the lower tier (development department) notes. Once these are done to all eleven peoples’ satisfaction it goes up the ladder, usually to the middle tier VP’s. Writing a pilot is like playing Super Mario Brothers.
Another call. More notes. The script goes back in to the network where it finally is kicked upstairs to the man who will be making the ultimate greenlight decision. All you've accomplished with these previous notes is perhaps this middle tier will send it along with their “recommendation”. Sometimes the man making the decision is only vaguely aware that this project exists. Sometimes he doesn't put a lot of stock in his staff's recommendations. Your future is in his hands.
And that brings us to today. The script is in. You wait. Fox, for example, commissioned 110 scripts this season. They may make thirty pilots (comedy and drama). There may be commitments and penalties attached to certain projects which give them a leg up. Projects from the studio owned by the network have an advantage. Sometimes networks double and triple develop – there may be two other pilots with the exact same arena as yours. One network last year even had two pilots with the same title. Other considerations: their needs, where can your show go, what could they pair it with, do they owe anyone favors, how expensive would the show be, and oh yeah – do they like it?
Suddenly you are in the cone of silence. You call your agent, you call the studio, you call your pod, the studio calls your agent, the agent calls another agent, your pod calls his wife, you call another studio, the studio calls your pod’s wife. You hear rumors. They like it. You gave them just what they ordered (that’s usually the kiss of death). “He” still hasn’t read it. They want to talk to casting. They’re waiting for a few more things to come in. It’s his nephew’s bar mitzah.
And eventually word comes down that a few projects have gotten picked up. Uh oh. Fewer slots. Why haven’t they called you yet? What does this mean? The mind games begin. The phone calls continue.
Hopefully you’ll hear Monday morning. Or maybe not. Which generally means bad news, horrible news. But it could not mean anything at all.
Enjoy your weekend.
Wednesday, January 25, 2006
Diss 'n dat 2
I think Kobe’s 81 points in one game is a greater achievement than Wilt Chamberlain’s 100. Wilt scored most of his underneath the basket. Kobe was making shots from the popcorn machine with five guys hanging on him.
Wilt’s record of sleeping with 20,000 women is pretty safe however. At least while Kobe remains married.
I still find it hard to believe that Chamberlain had sex with 20,000 women. Harder to believe if more than six of them were Jewish.
COURTING ALEX should be called DHARMA BECOMES GREG. I don’t get it. Jenna Elfman’s gift is playing wonderfully goofy free spirits. Why make her an uptight unfunny prig? And let’s see, in the show there’s a down to earth bartender and a rigid super bright blond. Hmmm? Where have we seen that before?
I understand playing against type but not when it robs you of what you do best. Imagine Shelley Long as Dharma Finklestein and Jenna Elfman as Diane Chambers. Two superb comediennes but it just wouldn’t work.
If you haven’t seen FOUR KINGS don’t worry. You HAVE seen FOUR KINGS.
24 – So Jack’s cover has been blown. No longer any need to pretend he’s dead. Wouldn’t he call his daughter to let her know? Although maybe he did and got her machine. “Hi, this is Kim. I’m being kidnapped so can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I’ll call you back when I escape.”
MUNICH is taking a lot of heat. Producers are concerned because it’s not a shoo-in for Oscar nominations. They’re upset that the controversy is getting in the way of possible accolades. Damn, Hollywood is a cruel town!
I’d have a lot more respect for Steven Spielberg if just once he’d say, “I don’t care about awards or box office. This is the movie I wanted to make, this is the story I wanted to tell. I’m proud of the results and that’s all that matters.” I’m not holding my breath.
Big article in the LA Times CALENDAR section about this earlier in the week. It mentions that the movie was available for Golden Globe consideration only on the last day. A screening was arranged and only half of the 86 members of the Foreign Press saw it. Yet it still received a writing and directing nomination. Meaning what, it takes like 35 votes to get a nomination? The Golden Globes are a JOKE!!
How come the movies that are big sensations at SUNDANCE and make record deals never seem to be that good or successful when they hit the local Cineplex? Remember when HAPPY, TEXAS was going to be the next great American comedy? And HUSTLE AND FLOW was sure to redefine drama?
This has been floating around the internet lately. You may have seen it. If not, I feel it’s my duty as an American and someone with an IQ of over 50 to show it to you. From a recent President Bush press conference:
Question (WOMAN IN AUDIENCE):
'I don't really understand. How is it the new plan going to fix the problem?'
Verbatim response (PRESIDENT BUSH):
'Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.'
Me: Holy shit!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!
Wilt’s record of sleeping with 20,000 women is pretty safe however. At least while Kobe remains married.
I still find it hard to believe that Chamberlain had sex with 20,000 women. Harder to believe if more than six of them were Jewish.
COURTING ALEX should be called DHARMA BECOMES GREG. I don’t get it. Jenna Elfman’s gift is playing wonderfully goofy free spirits. Why make her an uptight unfunny prig? And let’s see, in the show there’s a down to earth bartender and a rigid super bright blond. Hmmm? Where have we seen that before?
I understand playing against type but not when it robs you of what you do best. Imagine Shelley Long as Dharma Finklestein and Jenna Elfman as Diane Chambers. Two superb comediennes but it just wouldn’t work.
If you haven’t seen FOUR KINGS don’t worry. You HAVE seen FOUR KINGS.
24 – So Jack’s cover has been blown. No longer any need to pretend he’s dead. Wouldn’t he call his daughter to let her know? Although maybe he did and got her machine. “Hi, this is Kim. I’m being kidnapped so can’t come to the phone right now. Leave a message and I’ll call you back when I escape.”
MUNICH is taking a lot of heat. Producers are concerned because it’s not a shoo-in for Oscar nominations. They’re upset that the controversy is getting in the way of possible accolades. Damn, Hollywood is a cruel town!
I’d have a lot more respect for Steven Spielberg if just once he’d say, “I don’t care about awards or box office. This is the movie I wanted to make, this is the story I wanted to tell. I’m proud of the results and that’s all that matters.” I’m not holding my breath.
Big article in the LA Times CALENDAR section about this earlier in the week. It mentions that the movie was available for Golden Globe consideration only on the last day. A screening was arranged and only half of the 86 members of the Foreign Press saw it. Yet it still received a writing and directing nomination. Meaning what, it takes like 35 votes to get a nomination? The Golden Globes are a JOKE!!
How come the movies that are big sensations at SUNDANCE and make record deals never seem to be that good or successful when they hit the local Cineplex? Remember when HAPPY, TEXAS was going to be the next great American comedy? And HUSTLE AND FLOW was sure to redefine drama?
This has been floating around the internet lately. You may have seen it. If not, I feel it’s my duty as an American and someone with an IQ of over 50 to show it to you. From a recent President Bush press conference:
Question (WOMAN IN AUDIENCE):
'I don't really understand. How is it the new plan going to fix the problem?'
Verbatim response (PRESIDENT BUSH):
'Because the -- all which is on the table begins to address the big cost drivers. For example, how benefits are calculated, for example, is on the table. Whether or not benefits rise based upon wage increases or price increases. There's a series of parts of the formula that are being considered. And when you couple that, those different cost drivers, affecting those -- changing those with personal accounts, the idea is to get what has been promised more likely to be -- or closer delivered to that has been promised. Does that make any sense to you? It's kind of muddled. Look, there's a series of things that cause the -- like, for example, benefits are calculated based upon the increase of wages, as opposed to the increase of prices. Some have suggested that we calculate -- the benefits will rise based upon inflation, supposed to wage increases. There is a reform that would help solve the red if that were put into effect. In other words, how fast benefits grow, how fast the promised benefits grow, if those -- if that growth is affected, it will help on the red.'
Me: Holy shit!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!!!
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
UPN/WB we hadly knew ya...or watched ya
First off -- Happy Anniversary to my parents. 58 years on January 25th. There’s been some talk of divorce the last couple of days but I think they’re going to make it. I love you both and wish you many many more.
And speaking of marriages: UPN and the WB are merging.
1 + 1 now = 1
Thank God because here in LA maybe KCOP can go back to showing PERRY MASON reruns like did for thirty years (and got better numbers).
Not since Packard merged with Studebaker has there been anything this exciting. Both were out of the car business within a decade but still. (thanks to Mike McCann for that heads up.)
The name of this new network will be CW. Not great but better than WC which is the British nickname for toilet.
“See FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN followed by GILMORE GIRLS tonight on CW. “
It’s like combining the best of Taco Bell and Popeye’s menus.
Does this mean that GIRLFRIENDS will no longer be on THREE times a week?
What happens to UPN news? Do they sell the three police scanners?
Now what’ll their excuse be when shows get a ,01?
Will the UPN online store have a big closing sale on AMERICA’S TOP MODEL hot shorts with logo?
Garth Ancier is the Reggie Sanders of TV executives.
***
What this really means is….
…you no longer have to Tivo CUTS when WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU is on.
…Lil’ Kim has a harder time getting that sitcom.
…one less major buyer, fewer shows, fewer choices, fewer jobs. And no one’s getting fat ‘cept Mama Cass.
…if you have a midseason show about to premiere on the WB you are fucked.
…if you have a pilot at UPN you’re in trouble, if you have a pilot at the WB you’re fucked.
…the merger of BET and the Hallmark channel can not be far behind.
…there will not be a sequel to “Decade of the WB”, the DVD you can purchase with highlights from the network’s first ten years. (I hope it includes clips from SIMON and CLEGHORNE! and GREETINGS FROM TUCSON.)
…Hollywood can still keep a secret when it wants to.
…we’re getting closer to the day when one giant conglomeration controls the entire entertainment industry. Let’s hope Eisner doesn’t come out of retirement.
And speaking of marriages: UPN and the WB are merging.
1 + 1 now = 1
Thank God because here in LA maybe KCOP can go back to showing PERRY MASON reruns like did for thirty years (and got better numbers).
Not since Packard merged with Studebaker has there been anything this exciting. Both were out of the car business within a decade but still. (thanks to Mike McCann for that heads up.)
The name of this new network will be CW. Not great but better than WC which is the British nickname for toilet.
“See FRIDAY NIGHT SMACKDOWN followed by GILMORE GIRLS tonight on CW. “
It’s like combining the best of Taco Bell and Popeye’s menus.
Does this mean that GIRLFRIENDS will no longer be on THREE times a week?
What happens to UPN news? Do they sell the three police scanners?
Now what’ll their excuse be when shows get a ,01?
Will the UPN online store have a big closing sale on AMERICA’S TOP MODEL hot shorts with logo?
Garth Ancier is the Reggie Sanders of TV executives.
***
What this really means is….
…you no longer have to Tivo CUTS when WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU is on.
…Lil’ Kim has a harder time getting that sitcom.
…one less major buyer, fewer shows, fewer choices, fewer jobs. And no one’s getting fat ‘cept Mama Cass.
…if you have a midseason show about to premiere on the WB you are fucked.
…if you have a pilot at UPN you’re in trouble, if you have a pilot at the WB you’re fucked.
…the merger of BET and the Hallmark channel can not be far behind.
…there will not be a sequel to “Decade of the WB”, the DVD you can purchase with highlights from the network’s first ten years. (I hope it includes clips from SIMON and CLEGHORNE! and GREETINGS FROM TUCSON.)
…Hollywood can still keep a secret when it wants to.
…we’re getting closer to the day when one giant conglomeration controls the entire entertainment industry. Let’s hope Eisner doesn’t come out of retirement.
Monday, January 23, 2006
What's Howard Stern doing right this minute?
I love satellite radio. I can blissfully listen for hours without ever hearing “You’re mattress is freeeeeeee”, Skip & Steve, and “this is a Clear Channel station”. Terrestrial stations boast “12 in a row”. Well how about “12,000 in a row”? All for the monthly cost of one ticket to a Queen Latifah movie.
I have XM. Sirius is pretty much the same except Howard Stern will bankrupt them. XM has Major League Baseball which is the big draw for me. Vin Scully vs. Robin Quivers? Talk about a no brainer. (of course so is pneumatic drill vs. Robin Quivers).
To get the most from their big investments, XM and Sirius both are devoting a lot of time and channels to these premiere attractions.
In addition to all the MLB play-by-play, XM also offers a 24/7 baseball talk station. Fine during the season but what the hell do you talk about the other five months…24 hours a day?
“Curt Schilling update: his ankle is still healing. The lines are open. Let’s talk about it…for the next seven hours.”
Forget the players, the hosts need steroids just to get through those shifts.
But their job is cake compared to the team of eight (yes, EIGHT) poor newscasters who have to anchor…
HOWARD 100 NEWS on Sirius.
These former actual journalists must fill four hours a DAY with news about (and only about) Howard Stern.
“Curt Schilling’s ankle is still healing. How will it affect Howard? Let’s go to Julie for this live report.”
WHO GIVES A FUCK???!!!
I’ve always liked and admired Howard Stern. Even way back in Detroit when we were jocks on competing stations (He on W4 and me on WDRQ – “W-Dreck” as I used to aptly call it). I haven’t heard the show but I have to assume it’s a goof. It is a goof, right? Please? Still, those newscasters have to see GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK and want to kill themselves.
And this news (?) show follows a post-game wrap up of Howard’s show and precedes more analysis of the day’s program by (are you ready?)…his parents. (What, Ryan Seacrest didn’t apply?)
Come on! There has to be SOMETHING better Sirius could program. Something not trivial. Something substantial, important, relevant, informative, entertaining -- something the public would really want to hear the remaining sixteen hours a day. Something like….
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY 100 NEWS.
I have XM. Sirius is pretty much the same except Howard Stern will bankrupt them. XM has Major League Baseball which is the big draw for me. Vin Scully vs. Robin Quivers? Talk about a no brainer. (of course so is pneumatic drill vs. Robin Quivers).
To get the most from their big investments, XM and Sirius both are devoting a lot of time and channels to these premiere attractions.
In addition to all the MLB play-by-play, XM also offers a 24/7 baseball talk station. Fine during the season but what the hell do you talk about the other five months…24 hours a day?
“Curt Schilling update: his ankle is still healing. The lines are open. Let’s talk about it…for the next seven hours.”
Forget the players, the hosts need steroids just to get through those shifts.
But their job is cake compared to the team of eight (yes, EIGHT) poor newscasters who have to anchor…
HOWARD 100 NEWS on Sirius.
These former actual journalists must fill four hours a DAY with news about (and only about) Howard Stern.
“Curt Schilling’s ankle is still healing. How will it affect Howard? Let’s go to Julie for this live report.”
WHO GIVES A FUCK???!!!
I’ve always liked and admired Howard Stern. Even way back in Detroit when we were jocks on competing stations (He on W4 and me on WDRQ – “W-Dreck” as I used to aptly call it). I haven’t heard the show but I have to assume it’s a goof. It is a goof, right? Please? Still, those newscasters have to see GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK and want to kill themselves.
And this news (?) show follows a post-game wrap up of Howard’s show and precedes more analysis of the day’s program by (are you ready?)…his parents. (What, Ryan Seacrest didn’t apply?)
Come on! There has to be SOMETHING better Sirius could program. Something not trivial. Something substantial, important, relevant, informative, entertaining -- something the public would really want to hear the remaining sixteen hours a day. Something like….
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY 100 NEWS.
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Bring back TV theme songs!!
There is an meme going around asking us bloggermeisters to list our favorite TV theme songs. And that got me thinking – I MISS TV THEME SONGS.
Networks today, so deathly afraid of tune out, have all but eliminated theme songs and opening credits. They go by so fast you can’t tell the difference between opening titles and vanity production cards. And I think it does a disservice to the shows and the viewers. A good opening title sequence can really set the tone for the show. CHEERS wasn’t just a bar, it was the place where everyone knows your name. If it premiered today you’d see the logo, an animated glass of beer being filled, and ten seconds of “Sweet Caroline”.
It would be a little hard to sell that the Monkees were this goofy playful rock band if the extent of their theme was “Hey hey, we’re the Monkees!” America would be saying “Hey hey, so what?”
Networks complain that sitcoms are all the same then take away their signature feature.
And here’s what they don’t understand -- a good theme and opening title sequence ATTRACTS viewers. Some people tune in specifically because they LIKE the title sequence. That was me with the Drew Carey “Cleveland Rocks” opening. If only the show was that good.
An added benefit in this day of synergy and cross promotion is that they can become hit records on their own. (HAWAII 5-0, WELCOME BACK KOTTER, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE) Think of all the free three minute plugs your show will get when KIIS-FM is playing the shit out of your theme. (I’m not being local here. Every city in America, Canada, Australia, and Yemen has a KIIS-FM).
These themes can become part of pop culture. I bet more Americans know the words to GILLIGAN’S ISLAND than the Star Spangled Banner. Hell, more people can sing the lyrics to CHARLES IN CHARGE. These ditties are burned into our brains. When we’re 90 and can’t remember if we put our pants on we’ll still be able to sing the MASH theme and the JEFFERSONS. (A year ago I would have put BEWITCHED in that category but I think Nora Ephron has permanently killed it. When are they going to stop letting her make movies?)
And ultimately here’s what we’re talking about – twenty more seconds. That’s all. Twenty more seconds. Maybe thirty. God forbid thirty-five. The same amount of time it takes to run a promo for LOVE MONKEY. What would YOU rather watch?
****
Okay, so in no particular order – my ten favorite TV themes.
MASH
PETER GUN
CHEERS
WELCOME BACK KOTTER
DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
MIAMI VICE
DREW CAREY SHOW
MR. LUCKY
MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
TOP CAT
****
One final thought, if you have opening titles then maybe the credits won’t extend so far into the show. Considering how large some of these casts and staffs are it’s not inconceivable that someday on a comedy credits will roll all the way through the tag.
Networks today, so deathly afraid of tune out, have all but eliminated theme songs and opening credits. They go by so fast you can’t tell the difference between opening titles and vanity production cards. And I think it does a disservice to the shows and the viewers. A good opening title sequence can really set the tone for the show. CHEERS wasn’t just a bar, it was the place where everyone knows your name. If it premiered today you’d see the logo, an animated glass of beer being filled, and ten seconds of “Sweet Caroline”.
It would be a little hard to sell that the Monkees were this goofy playful rock band if the extent of their theme was “Hey hey, we’re the Monkees!” America would be saying “Hey hey, so what?”
Networks complain that sitcoms are all the same then take away their signature feature.
And here’s what they don’t understand -- a good theme and opening title sequence ATTRACTS viewers. Some people tune in specifically because they LIKE the title sequence. That was me with the Drew Carey “Cleveland Rocks” opening. If only the show was that good.
An added benefit in this day of synergy and cross promotion is that they can become hit records on their own. (HAWAII 5-0, WELCOME BACK KOTTER, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE) Think of all the free three minute plugs your show will get when KIIS-FM is playing the shit out of your theme. (I’m not being local here. Every city in America, Canada, Australia, and Yemen has a KIIS-FM).
These themes can become part of pop culture. I bet more Americans know the words to GILLIGAN’S ISLAND than the Star Spangled Banner. Hell, more people can sing the lyrics to CHARLES IN CHARGE. These ditties are burned into our brains. When we’re 90 and can’t remember if we put our pants on we’ll still be able to sing the MASH theme and the JEFFERSONS. (A year ago I would have put BEWITCHED in that category but I think Nora Ephron has permanently killed it. When are they going to stop letting her make movies?)
And ultimately here’s what we’re talking about – twenty more seconds. That’s all. Twenty more seconds. Maybe thirty. God forbid thirty-five. The same amount of time it takes to run a promo for LOVE MONKEY. What would YOU rather watch?
****
Okay, so in no particular order – my ten favorite TV themes.
MASH
PETER GUN
CHEERS
WELCOME BACK KOTTER
DICK VAN DYKE SHOW
MIAMI VICE
DREW CAREY SHOW
MR. LUCKY
MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW
TOP CAT
****
One final thought, if you have opening titles then maybe the credits won’t extend so far into the show. Considering how large some of these casts and staffs are it’s not inconceivable that someday on a comedy credits will roll all the way through the tag.
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Hello Muddah, Hello Faddah
How many kids send letters home from college that are entertaining enough to share? My daughter Annie (who you six regular readers have met) is a sophomore at Northwestern and I live for those days I receive emails with the subject heading “Another Annie Rant”. Here’s a recent one. I can’t figure out where she gets this attitude.
***
Today’s Rant: Whole Foods
I must admit that I’m not sure what I hate more: the institution of Whole Foods itself or the religious Whole Foods shoppers. Thus I feel it necessary to examine each.
Despite the fact that I single-handedly keep “Splenda” in business, I am in no way opposed to organic, natural products. What I am opposed to is (a) the idea that everything at whole foods is in some way healthier, and (b) charging an arm and a leg because they’ve written eight lines of BS about all the oh-so-healthy things in their products. This stuff isn’t that damn good for you! I understand that there are no preservatives in pure sugar, but it is still sugar! I could drink a bag of all natural sugar-cane, and I’d still develop diabetes. Oooooh, its oh-so natural. Well I got news for you Whole Foods, I’ll take a couple preservatives if it means that I’ll still have enough money to buy groceries in two weeks.
And there are the idiots, the former hippies. The ones who pick up a $20 loaf of bread because it has fibers from the Hicabutusism tree in West Africa, where little magical all-natural fairies plow the soil until the perfect grain is achieved. Get a grip, people. Wonderbread has little magical fairies too, they’re call sweat-shop workers!
Plus, there are the people who will subscribe to anything with “free” written somewhere on the package, and by that I’m obviously not referring to the price. Gluton-free, Carb-free, Nutrion-free. Didn’t Billy Preston teach you that “nothing from nothing leaves nothing?” I believe that these “free” packages should really mention what is going into the product so that you can lose a little bit of Extiohydrosis, or whatever the hell they come up with. If it were up to me, the labels would read a little more like this: “Organic, wheat-free, TONS OF FAT” Though I think that beating the delusional shoppers over the head with the item itself might be a better option.
And for hippies, these people are pretty aggressive with their carts. Knocking people off at the pass to make sure they get their “extra squishy tofu” and their Extihydrosis-free crackers. Weren’t you people fighting against capitalism or was that just a figment of my imagination?
Annie
***
Today’s Rant: Whole Foods
I must admit that I’m not sure what I hate more: the institution of Whole Foods itself or the religious Whole Foods shoppers. Thus I feel it necessary to examine each.
Despite the fact that I single-handedly keep “Splenda” in business, I am in no way opposed to organic, natural products. What I am opposed to is (a) the idea that everything at whole foods is in some way healthier, and (b) charging an arm and a leg because they’ve written eight lines of BS about all the oh-so-healthy things in their products. This stuff isn’t that damn good for you! I understand that there are no preservatives in pure sugar, but it is still sugar! I could drink a bag of all natural sugar-cane, and I’d still develop diabetes. Oooooh, its oh-so natural. Well I got news for you Whole Foods, I’ll take a couple preservatives if it means that I’ll still have enough money to buy groceries in two weeks.
And there are the idiots, the former hippies. The ones who pick up a $20 loaf of bread because it has fibers from the Hicabutusism tree in West Africa, where little magical all-natural fairies plow the soil until the perfect grain is achieved. Get a grip, people. Wonderbread has little magical fairies too, they’re call sweat-shop workers!
Plus, there are the people who will subscribe to anything with “free” written somewhere on the package, and by that I’m obviously not referring to the price. Gluton-free, Carb-free, Nutrion-free. Didn’t Billy Preston teach you that “nothing from nothing leaves nothing?” I believe that these “free” packages should really mention what is going into the product so that you can lose a little bit of Extiohydrosis, or whatever the hell they come up with. If it were up to me, the labels would read a little more like this: “Organic, wheat-free, TONS OF FAT” Though I think that beating the delusional shoppers over the head with the item itself might be a better option.
And for hippies, these people are pretty aggressive with their carts. Knocking people off at the pass to make sure they get their “extra squishy tofu” and their Extihydrosis-free crackers. Weren’t you people fighting against capitalism or was that just a figment of my imagination?
Annie
Friday, January 20, 2006
In honor of Sundance
Okay, I wasn’t there DURING Sundance. I was there in October.
*******
Here’s a travelogue you thought you’d never see – me in Utah. Along with my partner David, and Peter Casey (one of the creators of FRASIER) I am writing a spec holiday movie. Peter has a condo in Park City, Utah and graciously suggested it would be a great place to sequester ourselves and really get some work done. So for four days I was in the land of the Osmonds and Gary Gilmore.
A stewardess was once fired for saying over the PA to passengers “Welcome to Salt Lake City. Please turn your clocks back one hundred years”. Landed in Salt Lake, did just that, then headed up the mountains to Park City, one of America’s premiere posh ski towns. I have never been to any ski towns because I do not ski. I know for many people skiing is an absolute passion but it’s cold, requires a lot of bulky equipment, is costly, and let’s face it: no one ever broke a leg sitting in a movie theatre.
That said, the panoramas were positively breathtaking. I can just see a Park City man coming home from a hard day, stepping out onto his balcony, gazing at the magnificent vista and saying to his wives “Hey, Trixie, Jane, Gloria, you gotta get out here and see this!”
There’s no snow yet so there are no tourists. Peter’s condo is part of a gorgeous lodge. You walk down the deserted hallways, past the cavernous vacant dining room, through the expansive empty lobby and realize…
You’re living THE SHINING.
All that’s missing is the maze. But the quiet was most welcomed and allowed us to get a lot of work done on the script. Thought you’d enjoy a preview. Here’s one of many scenes we wrote.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
I think we have a good chance of selling this one.
Took a tour of nearby Deer Valley. Peter pointed out the chair lift pole that an expert skier crashed into splitting open his skull. He also showed us the spot on the road where trucks spin off if there’s a little ice on the ground. Later I learned that skiers on certain runs must carry beacons so if they’re buried in an avalanche they can be found.
Charles Gibson of GOOD MORNING AMERICA owns a huge house on one of the hills. Circular and all in glass and chrome, it looks the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Jeffrey Katzenberg also owns an impressive chalet. So I guess when he’s not in Hawaii taking my lounge chair he’s up here.
Elayne Boosler says this about Utah: “My favorite store here is maternity gowns for Mother of the Bride”.
Girls in Park City all look like pioneer women.
REDRUM. I don’t know why I just wrote that.
David and I walked down Main Street in Park City (picture Knotts Berry Farm for rich people) and got a number of stares. I’m sure we were the first two Jews of the season. Kinda like the first robin of spring. Soon more Jews would follow and it would be ski season.
REDRUM.
Favorite Main Store establishment: Bad Ass Coffee.
Moose sighting. No, wait, that’s just Merlin Olsen.
During the winter, reservations at most restaurants and emergency rooms are recommended.
Park City is the home of the Sundance Film Festival every January. So for two weeks any rustic or quaint charm is completely obliterated as Hollywood agents, deal makers, opportunists, sharks, managers, hucksters, lawyers, carnies, boot lickers, snake oil salesmen, and Katzenberg invade the area as if it were their personal Baghdad. But if you’re a skier that’s the time to come because no one is on the slopes. Which begs the question: why not hold the film festival in summer when it’s warm and there’s no skiing anyway?
REDRUM. REDFORD.
During Sundance every theatre screens cutting edge independent films. The other 50 weeks they show DODGEBALL.
Not a lot of Sonny Bono records played on the local radio station here.
There are almost as many SUV’s here as in the parking lot of the Encino Gelson’s.
Events I unfortunately will be missing: “Howl-a-Ween Dog Parade” down Main Street featuring a whole pack of costumed canines. And the “Cowboy Poetry Gathering and Buckaroo Fair”. I’m upset about missing that one because who writes better poetry than Gabby Hayes and Chill Wills? Plus they’re going to have a colt starting clinic.
I can’t afford a place here but my agent has one. Hmmmmm?
Thanks again to Peter for being the perfect host.
It stays dark every morning till eight make Jack a dull boy.
The ski lifts carry nobody make Jack a dull boy.
Most restaurants are closed and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
Ken Levine
*******
Here’s a travelogue you thought you’d never see – me in Utah. Along with my partner David, and Peter Casey (one of the creators of FRASIER) I am writing a spec holiday movie. Peter has a condo in Park City, Utah and graciously suggested it would be a great place to sequester ourselves and really get some work done. So for four days I was in the land of the Osmonds and Gary Gilmore.
A stewardess was once fired for saying over the PA to passengers “Welcome to Salt Lake City. Please turn your clocks back one hundred years”. Landed in Salt Lake, did just that, then headed up the mountains to Park City, one of America’s premiere posh ski towns. I have never been to any ski towns because I do not ski. I know for many people skiing is an absolute passion but it’s cold, requires a lot of bulky equipment, is costly, and let’s face it: no one ever broke a leg sitting in a movie theatre.
That said, the panoramas were positively breathtaking. I can just see a Park City man coming home from a hard day, stepping out onto his balcony, gazing at the magnificent vista and saying to his wives “Hey, Trixie, Jane, Gloria, you gotta get out here and see this!”
There’s no snow yet so there are no tourists. Peter’s condo is part of a gorgeous lodge. You walk down the deserted hallways, past the cavernous vacant dining room, through the expansive empty lobby and realize…
You’re living THE SHINING.
All that’s missing is the maze. But the quiet was most welcomed and allowed us to get a lot of work done on the script. Thought you’d enjoy a preview. Here’s one of many scenes we wrote.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
I think we have a good chance of selling this one.
Took a tour of nearby Deer Valley. Peter pointed out the chair lift pole that an expert skier crashed into splitting open his skull. He also showed us the spot on the road where trucks spin off if there’s a little ice on the ground. Later I learned that skiers on certain runs must carry beacons so if they’re buried in an avalanche they can be found.
Charles Gibson of GOOD MORNING AMERICA owns a huge house on one of the hills. Circular and all in glass and chrome, it looks the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Jeffrey Katzenberg also owns an impressive chalet. So I guess when he’s not in Hawaii taking my lounge chair he’s up here.
Elayne Boosler says this about Utah: “My favorite store here is maternity gowns for Mother of the Bride”.
Girls in Park City all look like pioneer women.
REDRUM. I don’t know why I just wrote that.
David and I walked down Main Street in Park City (picture Knotts Berry Farm for rich people) and got a number of stares. I’m sure we were the first two Jews of the season. Kinda like the first robin of spring. Soon more Jews would follow and it would be ski season.
REDRUM.
Favorite Main Store establishment: Bad Ass Coffee.
Moose sighting. No, wait, that’s just Merlin Olsen.
During the winter, reservations at most restaurants and emergency rooms are recommended.
Park City is the home of the Sundance Film Festival every January. So for two weeks any rustic or quaint charm is completely obliterated as Hollywood agents, deal makers, opportunists, sharks, managers, hucksters, lawyers, carnies, boot lickers, snake oil salesmen, and Katzenberg invade the area as if it were their personal Baghdad. But if you’re a skier that’s the time to come because no one is on the slopes. Which begs the question: why not hold the film festival in summer when it’s warm and there’s no skiing anyway?
REDRUM. REDFORD.
During Sundance every theatre screens cutting edge independent films. The other 50 weeks they show DODGEBALL.
Not a lot of Sonny Bono records played on the local radio station here.
There are almost as many SUV’s here as in the parking lot of the Encino Gelson’s.
Events I unfortunately will be missing: “Howl-a-Ween Dog Parade” down Main Street featuring a whole pack of costumed canines. And the “Cowboy Poetry Gathering and Buckaroo Fair”. I’m upset about missing that one because who writes better poetry than Gabby Hayes and Chill Wills? Plus they’re going to have a colt starting clinic.
I can’t afford a place here but my agent has one. Hmmmmm?
Thanks again to Peter for being the perfect host.
It stays dark every morning till eight make Jack a dull boy.
The ski lifts carry nobody make Jack a dull boy.
Most restaurants are closed and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
Ken Levine
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Diss 'n dat
Thanks to SHOWTIME for sending their academy consideration package so early (five months early). Since I and most people I know don’t subscribe to SHOWTIME (HBO has better shows, CINEMAX has better porn) it gave me a chance to sample some of their series.
WEEDS and HUFF are both pretty good shows. Mary Louise Parker plays the most real mom on TV…even when she’s conducting a dope deal. Glad she won the Golden Globe. There’s no greater validation of your work than to be honored by the waiters of Los Angeles who call themselves the Foreign Press.
Elizabeth Perkins also deserved a Golden Globe. She must have a testicle collection at home because she plays that part sooooo well. I guess she lost ‘cause she’s not a big tipper.
Thanks to my remote I really enjoyed THE L WORD. That show really comes alive when you can fast forward, pause, and hit slow-mo at the appropriate moments.
Not since THE EQUALIZER (whose star had heart problems and needed a stunt double for the walking scenes) has there been a cop show with less action than NUMB3RS. After 45 minutes of studying equations they realize who the killer is, find him, ask him to give up, and he does. Wow! The genius was scheduling the show Fridays at 10 – “Date Night” if you know what I mean.
I love THE DAILY SHOW. The COLBERT REPORT is one joke.
KOST radio got big numbers playing all Christmas music during the holiday season. I’m waiting for the first station to see that and go all Christmas music all year long.
Rhino Records is going out of business. So is Aron Records. This is REALLY the day the music died.
For Boomers who want to remember the good old days when television stations gave a shit about you, Lloyd Thaxton has a blog. (See links) Lloyd was the Ernie Kovacs of teen dance party hosts back in the 60’s. Learn what he and his finger puppets have been up to. Log on.
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY beat me to it. I was going to suggest that Jennifer Aniston is not a movie star.
Last word on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Like the show or don’t like it – America has VOTED.
If any show can knock off LOST its SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES.
I don’t care if Jillian Barberie was falling out of her dress. I’m still rooting for Deborah Gibson.
As co-writer of MANNEQUIN 2 starring Kristy Swanson I hope this show revitalizes the career I myself helped kill.
Sign me up for SKATING WITH WRITERS.
Forrest Whittaker is a great addition to THE SHIELD.
Now that HOSTEL is out I bet reservations for spring break in Slovakia have gone way down.
WEEDS and HUFF are both pretty good shows. Mary Louise Parker plays the most real mom on TV…even when she’s conducting a dope deal. Glad she won the Golden Globe. There’s no greater validation of your work than to be honored by the waiters of Los Angeles who call themselves the Foreign Press.
Elizabeth Perkins also deserved a Golden Globe. She must have a testicle collection at home because she plays that part sooooo well. I guess she lost ‘cause she’s not a big tipper.
Thanks to my remote I really enjoyed THE L WORD. That show really comes alive when you can fast forward, pause, and hit slow-mo at the appropriate moments.
Not since THE EQUALIZER (whose star had heart problems and needed a stunt double for the walking scenes) has there been a cop show with less action than NUMB3RS. After 45 minutes of studying equations they realize who the killer is, find him, ask him to give up, and he does. Wow! The genius was scheduling the show Fridays at 10 – “Date Night” if you know what I mean.
I love THE DAILY SHOW. The COLBERT REPORT is one joke.
KOST radio got big numbers playing all Christmas music during the holiday season. I’m waiting for the first station to see that and go all Christmas music all year long.
Rhino Records is going out of business. So is Aron Records. This is REALLY the day the music died.
For Boomers who want to remember the good old days when television stations gave a shit about you, Lloyd Thaxton has a blog. (See links) Lloyd was the Ernie Kovacs of teen dance party hosts back in the 60’s. Learn what he and his finger puppets have been up to. Log on.
ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY beat me to it. I was going to suggest that Jennifer Aniston is not a movie star.
Last word on ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT: Like the show or don’t like it – America has VOTED.
If any show can knock off LOST its SKATING WITH CELEBRITIES.
I don’t care if Jillian Barberie was falling out of her dress. I’m still rooting for Deborah Gibson.
As co-writer of MANNEQUIN 2 starring Kristy Swanson I hope this show revitalizes the career I myself helped kill.
Sign me up for SKATING WITH WRITERS.
Forrest Whittaker is a great addition to THE SHIELD.
Now that HOSTEL is out I bet reservations for spring break in Slovakia have gone way down.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Red carpetbagging
I missed the Golden Globes this year and the astonishing TEN hour pre-show show on E! How do you fill TEN hours with nothing??? I also hear the red carpet interviewer was bad. Gee, knock me over with a feather.
For the past seven years I have reviewed the Oscars for my friends (this year will be for my blog). Included is always a paragraph or two on the pre game, usually focused on local channel 5, KTLA. Here are some highlights:
*********
I miss Tawny Little. God help me, I do. (Tawny was the number one news anchor at local station KABC ). No one was as stupid hosting the pre Oscar show as Tawny (this hard hitting journalist and former Miss America), although Sam Rubin and his co-host, Mindy Burbano came pretty damn close. These were my favorites: Mindy (to Michael Caine): "Hey, your accent is back!" Sam: "There's the back of Tom Cruise's head!" Mindy to Samuel L. Jackson's wife after noticing that Samuel was wearing a purple tux: "Yes, purple is back, but do you really think it's ever gone away?" And finally, Mindy to 80 year old best actor nominee, Robert Fansworth: "Very nice cane!"
*****
Best part of the show is before the show -- the red carpet celebrity arrivals. Once again Channel 5 featured Hollywood footstool jester Sam Rubin and dim bulb sidekick Mindy Burbano. Sam to composer Hans Zimmer: "You've been nominated LITERALLY 4,000 times." Mindy to Anthony Hopkins (nominated for SILENCE OF THE LAMBS): "Gee, you're not chilling in person."
Mindy to Lena Olin: "Did you have to eat a lot of chocolate while making CHOCOLAT?" Lena: "Yes." Mindy: "So are you tired of chocolate now?" Lena: "Yes." Mindy: "That's sooo sad."
Sam said there were more stars there than are in the heavens (never heard THAT one before) and proved it by interviewing Coco Lee, Nancy O'Dell, and Mary Hart.
Hard to believe every star didn't stop by. After all, they were giving away Altoid tins. Class-eeee.
The ABC pre-show wasn't much better. Host Julie Moran (not exactly Edward R. Murrow in a wig) asked Chow Yung Fat: "How hard was it to learn to fly?"
I don't bother to watch even a second of Joan Rivers and her equally obnoxious and otherwise unemployable daughter, Melissa. I venture to say they reinforce more anti-semitism than the Chabad Telethon.
********
Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"
Sam made a searing observation: "Maybe the calmer people arrive earlier." You're the George Will of Puff, Sam.
His "ditz de jour" Emily kept hitting the celebrities in the nose with her microphone. I guess they don't teach that in beautician's school.
Sam had some incisive celebrity questions himself. To performer Alison Kraus: "Did you rehearse your song?" To Owen Wilson: "Next year is STARSKY & HUTCH going to win a lot of awards?"
In order to lure the celebs to Hooter and Tooter KTLA was again offering packets of M&M's. Sam Rubin's big question to Robin Williams: "Do you like the plain, peanut, or mints better?" Sam majored in journalism at Crossroads.
Channel 5 did not employ a 5 second delay as was evident when Robin Williams said "shit" on the air. In truth, it was the only moment of the show that wasn't shit.
Sam to Will Ferrell's wife: "Do you think Marcia Gaye Hardin is stealing your thunder because she's also pregnant?"
Marcia Gaye Hardin is eight months along with twins and looks huge. So why wear a bright blue dayglow dress? She looked like the Pacific Design Center.
Staying on the "baby" theme, Sam wondered what Holly Hunter would do if she won her second Oscar. "I'll put them together in a dark room and see what happens" to which the lightening quick Sam responded: "Maybe you'll have a Golden Globe".
*********
Sam Rubin, 'Entertainment Groveling Jester to the Stars' for Channel 5, again co-hosted the Oscar arrival show. He said it was "particularly emotional going back to Hollywood." Oh yes, to now be only a block away from the Fredericks of Hollywood "Museum of Bras" and Popeye's chicken restores the event to the luster and dignity it deserves. Sam's co-host this year was Lynda Lopez, who we were told is Jennifer's sister. I guess following in the Joan & Melissa Rivers tradition, you need an untalented family member to co-host one of these shindigs. Bring back Mindy Burbano. At least she asked stupid questions. Ly-lo just stood with her back to the camera blocking every celebrity Sam fawned all over.
Okay, that's not fair. She did ask some stupid questions. To Robert Altman: "Does it get less exciting to go to the Academy Awards?" Or to Hugh Jackman: "Are we over run by Australians tonight?" To Will Smith she made the observation: "You're a little bit smaller than when I saw you last."
But for sheer idiocy it's hard to beat Sam. "And that's the exciting thing about today," Sam gushed, "Some people have been here before and some have never been here before." I wondered why today was exciting. To Sting he asked: "What's distinctive about singing to a BILLION people?" Helen Mirran was queried this by slathering Sam: "How did you make your role so vivid" to which she replied: "It's called acting, darling."
Suck-up Sam's best question of the night was directed towards the lovely Jennifer "I had any trace of humor or personality removed" Connelly. "I hear John and Alicia Nash are here. How are they feeling? And how are you feeling about the way they're feeling?"
*******
The pre-Oscar coverage is always amusing. Most inane (as always) was Hollywood fool/footstool/bootlicker Sam Rubin and his co-host this year, the brainless Toni Senecal (who I assume is Sam’s gushy sycophant counterpart in New York) on KTLA. Sam to Catalina Sandino Moreno: “Did you spend a lot of time getting ready?” Has he ever actually talked to a woman?? Toni then asked her: “It’s your first movie, you’re the first Columbian to ever be nominated – call me crazy – how do you feel?” Toni asked Sophie Okonedo what was the best gift she had received.
Nominees I never heard of or recognized were blowing them off. Maybe if they weren't trying to lure them with Tic Tacs.
The KTLA fashion expert said about Hilary Swank; “It’s a surprise to everyone. She looks fantastic.”
Sam to P. Diddy: “People watching at home, having an Oscar party, what can they learn from you?”
There should be a spam blocker on my TV to save me from ever seeing Joan and Melissa Rivers. This year they’ve been relegated to the TV Guide channel which answers the question “what could possibly be less entertaining than a 24 hour program guide crawl?”
For the past seven years I have reviewed the Oscars for my friends (this year will be for my blog). Included is always a paragraph or two on the pre game, usually focused on local channel 5, KTLA. Here are some highlights:
*********
I miss Tawny Little. God help me, I do. (Tawny was the number one news anchor at local station KABC ). No one was as stupid hosting the pre Oscar show as Tawny (this hard hitting journalist and former Miss America), although Sam Rubin and his co-host, Mindy Burbano came pretty damn close. These were my favorites: Mindy (to Michael Caine): "Hey, your accent is back!" Sam: "There's the back of Tom Cruise's head!" Mindy to Samuel L. Jackson's wife after noticing that Samuel was wearing a purple tux: "Yes, purple is back, but do you really think it's ever gone away?" And finally, Mindy to 80 year old best actor nominee, Robert Fansworth: "Very nice cane!"
*****
Best part of the show is before the show -- the red carpet celebrity arrivals. Once again Channel 5 featured Hollywood footstool jester Sam Rubin and dim bulb sidekick Mindy Burbano. Sam to composer Hans Zimmer: "You've been nominated LITERALLY 4,000 times." Mindy to Anthony Hopkins (nominated for SILENCE OF THE LAMBS): "Gee, you're not chilling in person."
Mindy to Lena Olin: "Did you have to eat a lot of chocolate while making CHOCOLAT?" Lena: "Yes." Mindy: "So are you tired of chocolate now?" Lena: "Yes." Mindy: "That's sooo sad."
Sam said there were more stars there than are in the heavens (never heard THAT one before) and proved it by interviewing Coco Lee, Nancy O'Dell, and Mary Hart.
Hard to believe every star didn't stop by. After all, they were giving away Altoid tins. Class-eeee.
The ABC pre-show wasn't much better. Host Julie Moran (not exactly Edward R. Murrow in a wig) asked Chow Yung Fat: "How hard was it to learn to fly?"
I don't bother to watch even a second of Joan Rivers and her equally obnoxious and otherwise unemployable daughter, Melissa. I venture to say they reinforce more anti-semitism than the Chabad Telethon.
********
Always a highlight for me is the pre-Oscar show with Channel 5's dashboard bobblehead, Sam Rubin and new co-host this year, somebody named Emily Frances. Picture any Hooters waitress in a gown. But she fit right in asking questions stupid enough to rival Sam's. Emily to Phil Collins: "Was winning an Oscar an out-of-body experience?" followed by "When you present an award are you allowed to have a favorite?"
Sam made a searing observation: "Maybe the calmer people arrive earlier." You're the George Will of Puff, Sam.
His "ditz de jour" Emily kept hitting the celebrities in the nose with her microphone. I guess they don't teach that in beautician's school.
Sam had some incisive celebrity questions himself. To performer Alison Kraus: "Did you rehearse your song?" To Owen Wilson: "Next year is STARSKY & HUTCH going to win a lot of awards?"
In order to lure the celebs to Hooter and Tooter KTLA was again offering packets of M&M's. Sam Rubin's big question to Robin Williams: "Do you like the plain, peanut, or mints better?" Sam majored in journalism at Crossroads.
Channel 5 did not employ a 5 second delay as was evident when Robin Williams said "shit" on the air. In truth, it was the only moment of the show that wasn't shit.
Sam to Will Ferrell's wife: "Do you think Marcia Gaye Hardin is stealing your thunder because she's also pregnant?"
Marcia Gaye Hardin is eight months along with twins and looks huge. So why wear a bright blue dayglow dress? She looked like the Pacific Design Center.
Staying on the "baby" theme, Sam wondered what Holly Hunter would do if she won her second Oscar. "I'll put them together in a dark room and see what happens" to which the lightening quick Sam responded: "Maybe you'll have a Golden Globe".
*********
Sam Rubin, 'Entertainment Groveling Jester to the Stars' for Channel 5, again co-hosted the Oscar arrival show. He said it was "particularly emotional going back to Hollywood." Oh yes, to now be only a block away from the Fredericks of Hollywood "Museum of Bras" and Popeye's chicken restores the event to the luster and dignity it deserves. Sam's co-host this year was Lynda Lopez, who we were told is Jennifer's sister. I guess following in the Joan & Melissa Rivers tradition, you need an untalented family member to co-host one of these shindigs. Bring back Mindy Burbano. At least she asked stupid questions. Ly-lo just stood with her back to the camera blocking every celebrity Sam fawned all over.
Okay, that's not fair. She did ask some stupid questions. To Robert Altman: "Does it get less exciting to go to the Academy Awards?" Or to Hugh Jackman: "Are we over run by Australians tonight?" To Will Smith she made the observation: "You're a little bit smaller than when I saw you last."
But for sheer idiocy it's hard to beat Sam. "And that's the exciting thing about today," Sam gushed, "Some people have been here before and some have never been here before." I wondered why today was exciting. To Sting he asked: "What's distinctive about singing to a BILLION people?" Helen Mirran was queried this by slathering Sam: "How did you make your role so vivid" to which she replied: "It's called acting, darling."
Suck-up Sam's best question of the night was directed towards the lovely Jennifer "I had any trace of humor or personality removed" Connelly. "I hear John and Alicia Nash are here. How are they feeling? And how are you feeling about the way they're feeling?"
*******
The pre-Oscar coverage is always amusing. Most inane (as always) was Hollywood fool/footstool/bootlicker Sam Rubin and his co-host this year, the brainless Toni Senecal (who I assume is Sam’s gushy sycophant counterpart in New York) on KTLA. Sam to Catalina Sandino Moreno: “Did you spend a lot of time getting ready?” Has he ever actually talked to a woman?? Toni then asked her: “It’s your first movie, you’re the first Columbian to ever be nominated – call me crazy – how do you feel?” Toni asked Sophie Okonedo what was the best gift she had received.
Nominees I never heard of or recognized were blowing them off. Maybe if they weren't trying to lure them with Tic Tacs.
The KTLA fashion expert said about Hilary Swank; “It’s a surprise to everyone. She looks fantastic.”
Sam to P. Diddy: “People watching at home, having an Oscar party, what can they learn from you?”
There should be a spam blocker on my TV to save me from ever seeing Joan and Melissa Rivers. This year they’ve been relegated to the TV Guide channel which answers the question “what could possibly be less entertaining than a 24 hour program guide crawl?”
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
How do you guys write?
I’ve been lucky enough to be in the same partnership for 33 years. Some time ago I got a letter from a young writer named Ken Levine saying, since we had the same name, could I give him any advice? I said, “Yes, find a partner named David Isaacs.”
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our secretary, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money before you get divorced.
ADDED THOUGHT based on the first comment:
Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.
You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.
Writing teams all work differently. Here’s how we work and it’s a tad unusual. A lot of teams will split up the script – one takes one scene or act and the other takes the other. Then they switch. We write head to head and we dictate the script to a secretary who takes great shorthand. We never actually see the script while we’re writing it. This forces us not to obsess over a line. It frees us to pitch out a whole run knowing we can just go back and clean it up. We can juggle beats, move things around more easily. This process also allows us to volley lines back and forth. When people ask if a particular joke was mine and I say I don’t remember I’m not being coy. We shape practically every line together.
It now takes us four or five days to write a half hour. Two or three if we have to. When we started it took two weeks. That’s where 33 years of experience comes in handy.
We work off of an outline, talk out what we’re going to do then just take a shot at it. Next day we see the typed version of what we wrote, proof it, blame the medication, and keep going. After the rough draft is finished we each take a copy, make notes, joke suggestions, cuts, etc. and reconvene for one more pass. Once that’s completed, more often than not we turn it in.
Do we have arguments? Sure. But we never let them get personal. And if we ever have a disagreement over a particular joke and can’t reach a consensus quickly we just toss it out and write something else. It takes less time to come up with a new line than to argue and have one of us ultimately pissed.
And you can't be defensive. The best idea wins even if its the other guy's.
We’re also not afraid to throw stuff out – a line, a run, a whole scene. And scripts can ALWAYS be trimmed. No matter how long our rough draft is we always look for and find cuts.
Although the head to head process works well for us (which isn’t to say it works for everybody) early on in our career we began a practice whereby once a year we took an assignment and divided it up. The purpose was to feel confident that we could write on our own if we had to. We’re partners out of choice not dependency. And it’s amazing – we’ve been writing together so long that when we do split up a script I defy anyone to tell who wrote which act. They’re equally in need of major work.
There are many advantages to having a partner. The obvious ones you know. It’s more social, you have someone to share the burden/blame with, and it’s nice to get feedback (especially in comedy) – in our case not only from each other but our secretary, Lana. On more than one occasion we’ll laugh uproariously at a pitch, I’ll say to Lana, proudly, “Put that in” and she’ll say “Really???”
But here’s the biggest advantage to being in a team -- when you have to bring your car into the shop you know you can always get a ride.
A good partnership is like a marriage except you give up half your money before you get divorced.
ADDED THOUGHT based on the first comment:
Maybe I should start my own match.com on this comment page. If you're looking for a partner leave your contact info, a little about yourself, what you're looking for and who knows? A few of you might hook up.
You must thank me if you ever win an Emmy however. And I mean before your spouses and certainly agents.
Monday, January 16, 2006
Join me at the water cooler
In the past I’ve reviewed the Golden Globes. But this year (a) I just don’t give a shit, and (b) 24 was on. I’m more concerned with what happens to Jack Bauer than Jake Gyllenhall.
Didn’t you love the 4 hour premiere explosion-fest? I hope President Palmer had Allstate life insurance. And Michelle had car and life insurance.
Now they’ve just stopped TRYING to approximate how long it takes to get anywhere. Mojave to downtown LA in twenty minutes – during 7 AM rush hour? And LA to Ontario Airport in 12 minutes? You can’t fly there that fast. Why not just “beam” Jack from place to place now?
Could they have found a President who looks more like Nixon? And acts more like Bush? Who needs a mole in the White House when the President is that vain and petulant and stupid?
And it’s great to see every family’s embarrassing “Aunt Carol” as the First Lady. Or was she modeled after Martha Mitchell?
What a break for the Channel 11 newscasters. John Beard, Steve Edwards, the weather guy – they all got to play parts. I was expecting Dorothy Lucey to report on the “lighter side of terrorism”.
So much for my theory that Chloe would be a lot less uptight if she ever got laid.
Sean Astin has gotten big. He COULD play football for Notre Dame these days.
Now Michelle can appear as a patient on HOUSE. “Teri”, Jack’s slain ex appeared as a bag lady that died in that show too. And evil “Nina” was a patient shortly thereafter. At the end of that episode she asked House why he had risked his career to save her. What I wanted him to say was “Because you and I have something in common. We both killed Jack’s wife.”
And I know as a TV writer I’m nailing my own coffin but I admit it, I love AMERICAN IDOL. I’m looking forward to the new season. Especially the auditions. It helps me understand Bush being President when I can see the people who elected him.
I’m starting an office pool. Which contestant will Paula sleep with this year? “Congratulations. You’re going to Paula-wood.”
Re last season: So much for my theory that Paula would be a lot less stupid if she ever got laid.
Ryan Seacrest is taking on so many gigs (including hosting an unfathomable ten hours of Golden Globes pre-show nonsense on E!) that I’m surprised he didn’t star in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN too.
Quick aside: E! TELEVISION should change their name to the GET A LIFE channel.
Quick aside #2: Going around the internet – alternate titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. My favorite: YOU HAD ME AT HOWDY.
Didn’t you love the 4 hour premiere explosion-fest? I hope President Palmer had Allstate life insurance. And Michelle had car and life insurance.
Now they’ve just stopped TRYING to approximate how long it takes to get anywhere. Mojave to downtown LA in twenty minutes – during 7 AM rush hour? And LA to Ontario Airport in 12 minutes? You can’t fly there that fast. Why not just “beam” Jack from place to place now?
Could they have found a President who looks more like Nixon? And acts more like Bush? Who needs a mole in the White House when the President is that vain and petulant and stupid?
And it’s great to see every family’s embarrassing “Aunt Carol” as the First Lady. Or was she modeled after Martha Mitchell?
What a break for the Channel 11 newscasters. John Beard, Steve Edwards, the weather guy – they all got to play parts. I was expecting Dorothy Lucey to report on the “lighter side of terrorism”.
So much for my theory that Chloe would be a lot less uptight if she ever got laid.
Sean Astin has gotten big. He COULD play football for Notre Dame these days.
Now Michelle can appear as a patient on HOUSE. “Teri”, Jack’s slain ex appeared as a bag lady that died in that show too. And evil “Nina” was a patient shortly thereafter. At the end of that episode she asked House why he had risked his career to save her. What I wanted him to say was “Because you and I have something in common. We both killed Jack’s wife.”
And I know as a TV writer I’m nailing my own coffin but I admit it, I love AMERICAN IDOL. I’m looking forward to the new season. Especially the auditions. It helps me understand Bush being President when I can see the people who elected him.
I’m starting an office pool. Which contestant will Paula sleep with this year? “Congratulations. You’re going to Paula-wood.”
Re last season: So much for my theory that Paula would be a lot less stupid if she ever got laid.
Ryan Seacrest is taking on so many gigs (including hosting an unfathomable ten hours of Golden Globes pre-show nonsense on E!) that I’m surprised he didn’t star in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN too.
Quick aside: E! TELEVISION should change their name to the GET A LIFE channel.
Quick aside #2: Going around the internet – alternate titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. My favorite: YOU HAD ME AT HOWDY.
Sunday, January 15, 2006
2006 Movie Sneaks
The L.A. Times CALENDAR section on Sunday had their annual sneak peak edition of all the upcoming movies for the year. This is always fun to read…unless you’re writing a spec. Then it’s terrifying. Like walking in a mine field. God forbid the movie you’ve spent a year writing and are only ten pages away from finishing has the same premise as the July Owen Wilson/Mandy Moore release. And what a relief when there’s nothing scheduled even remotely similar to yours.
Whew!!
But for most writers I suspect you’re in that dreaded “middle ground” – there are movies with “areas” that touch upon yours. Hard to tell from the one sentence logline just how close to yours they are. You see there’s a “threesome”. Your comedy is about a threesome. But theirs could be two guys and a girl and yours is two girls and a guy so it’s completely different. You start playing those games with yourself. Will Ferrell runs a restaurant. Your lead character runs a restaurant. Shit! But wait -- they’re two entirely different restaurants. His takes reservations, yours doesn’t.
Whew!
Unless…there’s a scene where Will Ferrell decides to stop taking reservations? Shit! You’re dead.
Now before you jump off the Hollywood sign or toast yourself on your good fortune let me screw with your head.
If there is not one premise in the entire Sneak Peak section that smacks of yours then maybe your idea sucks or is not commercial.
And if your spec does touch on an “area” then maybe you’re on the right track. Do you think studios really give a shit about “original” ideas? If they did why would they make and release CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2 and YOURS, MINE, AND OURS at the same time? (A better question is why release these two stinkburgers at all?)
Why would they make two Iwo Jima pictures? Why did we have both the X-MEN and FABULOUS FOUR? Is there a comic book character short of Little Lulu that they’re not developing?
Why would they make GARDEN STATE and ELIZABETHTOWN? And I see this year there are two or three more “young guys go home to Midwest towns” projects. Isn’t that GARDEN STATE and ELIZABETHTOWN?
Just write the best script you can. Do what’s in your heart, tell the story you want to tell (making sure there’s a part for Vince Vaughn). And if you haven’t read the CALENDAR already then do yourself a favor and toss it in the garbage with the equally infuriating Real Estate section. You’re shooting at a moving target anyway. If your script itself is good (and has a part for Vince Vaughn) it will open doors for you, whether you sell it or not. Many writers get assignments off of specs. So who knows? Next year YOU could have a movie in Sneak Peaks – YOURS, MINE, AND OURS 2.
Whew!!
But for most writers I suspect you’re in that dreaded “middle ground” – there are movies with “areas” that touch upon yours. Hard to tell from the one sentence logline just how close to yours they are. You see there’s a “threesome”. Your comedy is about a threesome. But theirs could be two guys and a girl and yours is two girls and a guy so it’s completely different. You start playing those games with yourself. Will Ferrell runs a restaurant. Your lead character runs a restaurant. Shit! But wait -- they’re two entirely different restaurants. His takes reservations, yours doesn’t.
Whew!
Unless…there’s a scene where Will Ferrell decides to stop taking reservations? Shit! You’re dead.
Now before you jump off the Hollywood sign or toast yourself on your good fortune let me screw with your head.
If there is not one premise in the entire Sneak Peak section that smacks of yours then maybe your idea sucks or is not commercial.
And if your spec does touch on an “area” then maybe you’re on the right track. Do you think studios really give a shit about “original” ideas? If they did why would they make and release CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN 2 and YOURS, MINE, AND OURS at the same time? (A better question is why release these two stinkburgers at all?)
Why would they make two Iwo Jima pictures? Why did we have both the X-MEN and FABULOUS FOUR? Is there a comic book character short of Little Lulu that they’re not developing?
Why would they make GARDEN STATE and ELIZABETHTOWN? And I see this year there are two or three more “young guys go home to Midwest towns” projects. Isn’t that GARDEN STATE and ELIZABETHTOWN?
Just write the best script you can. Do what’s in your heart, tell the story you want to tell (making sure there’s a part for Vince Vaughn). And if you haven’t read the CALENDAR already then do yourself a favor and toss it in the garbage with the equally infuriating Real Estate section. You’re shooting at a moving target anyway. If your script itself is good (and has a part for Vince Vaughn) it will open doors for you, whether you sell it or not. Many writers get assignments off of specs. So who knows? Next year YOU could have a movie in Sneak Peaks – YOURS, MINE, AND OURS 2.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Tag, I'm it
Here’s the meme that’s going around all the screenwriters' blogs. I’m the latest to be tagged.
ONE (1) earliest film-related memory:
Seeing TEN COMMANDMENTS as a mere tyke and being scared shitless. Not by the special effects or torture to the Jews but by the bad over-acting. Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner in the same movie? Even Cinemascope couldn’t contain them. Both had me diving under the seat. And incredibly, they weren’t the worst offenders. That dishonor would go to Ms. Anne Baxter. She gave maybe the single worst most overblown performance in the history of film…rivaling Butty Hutton in THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH. Even Nathan Lane would say, “Whoa, bring it down.” I still haven’t recovered.
TWO (2) favorite lines from movies:
Edward G. Robinson in TEN COMMANDMENTS: “Nnnyyeah, Moses, where’s your God now?”
And any line from TOOTSIE.
THREE (3) jobs you’d do if you could not work in the “biz”:
Teacher
Cartoonist
Morning man at W.O.L.D.
FOUR (4) jobs you actually have held outside the industry:
Amway salesman (Hey, that detergent really works)
Record store clerk
Comic strip artist
Teaching broadcasting
THREE (3) book authors I like:
Philip Roth
John Kennedy Toole
Kurt Vonnegut
TWO (2) movies you’d like to remake or properties you’d like to adapt:
VOLUNTEERS. They never did justice to our script. When the movie came out I wanted to stand in the lobby and just hand out screenplays.
The other movie that I’d like to remake is THE PRODUCERS. Come on. It’s time.
ONE (1) screenwriter you think is underrated:
Steve Gordon. Wrote ARTHUR then tragically died. No one wrote better funnier witty dialogue than Steve.
He also wrote a movie starring Henry Winkler and Kim Darby called THE ONE AND ONLY about a TV wrestler, directed by Carl Reiner. It shows up frequently on HBO. Since most of you with Tivo have Kim Darby on your wish list anyway, check it out when it pops up on your menu.
And TV freaks might vaguely remember a show in the late 70’s called THE PRACTICE starring Danny Thomas as a crusty neighborhood doctor in the Bronx (Becker meets Uncle Tanoose). Steve created and wrote that show and it just crackled. I’m hoping that someday it will resurface on DVD or at least on the Lebanese channel.
Steve Gordon was…and is…an inspiration to me.
ONE (1) earliest film-related memory:
Seeing TEN COMMANDMENTS as a mere tyke and being scared shitless. Not by the special effects or torture to the Jews but by the bad over-acting. Charlton Heston and Yul Brynner in the same movie? Even Cinemascope couldn’t contain them. Both had me diving under the seat. And incredibly, they weren’t the worst offenders. That dishonor would go to Ms. Anne Baxter. She gave maybe the single worst most overblown performance in the history of film…rivaling Butty Hutton in THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH. Even Nathan Lane would say, “Whoa, bring it down.” I still haven’t recovered.
TWO (2) favorite lines from movies:
Edward G. Robinson in TEN COMMANDMENTS: “Nnnyyeah, Moses, where’s your God now?”
And any line from TOOTSIE.
THREE (3) jobs you’d do if you could not work in the “biz”:
Teacher
Cartoonist
Morning man at W.O.L.D.
FOUR (4) jobs you actually have held outside the industry:
Amway salesman (Hey, that detergent really works)
Record store clerk
Comic strip artist
Teaching broadcasting
THREE (3) book authors I like:
Philip Roth
John Kennedy Toole
Kurt Vonnegut
TWO (2) movies you’d like to remake or properties you’d like to adapt:
VOLUNTEERS. They never did justice to our script. When the movie came out I wanted to stand in the lobby and just hand out screenplays.
The other movie that I’d like to remake is THE PRODUCERS. Come on. It’s time.
ONE (1) screenwriter you think is underrated:
Steve Gordon. Wrote ARTHUR then tragically died. No one wrote better funnier witty dialogue than Steve.
He also wrote a movie starring Henry Winkler and Kim Darby called THE ONE AND ONLY about a TV wrestler, directed by Carl Reiner. It shows up frequently on HBO. Since most of you with Tivo have Kim Darby on your wish list anyway, check it out when it pops up on your menu.
And TV freaks might vaguely remember a show in the late 70’s called THE PRACTICE starring Danny Thomas as a crusty neighborhood doctor in the Bronx (Becker meets Uncle Tanoose). Steve created and wrote that show and it just crackled. I’m hoping that someday it will resurface on DVD or at least on the Lebanese channel.
Steve Gordon was…and is…an inspiration to me.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Your guide to 24
For everybody who says “I hear 24 is great but I don’t want to join it in the middle” Sunday night is your chance to start fresh with a whole new day and season.
And if you’re not familiar with the characters, let me quickly get you up to speed.
JACK BAUER (Keifer Sutherland) – Has personally saved the world from nuclear war, a killer virus, deadly terrorist attacks, the destruction of Los Angeles, and a presidential assassination yet has not received so much as a holiday ham from this grateful nation. Now presumed dead he’s living in Mexico under an assumed alias (Rafael Palmiero). Never shown was the most grueling and harrowing 24 hour adventure he has ever had to endure -- the one that occurred after he drank a glass of unfiltered water.
CHLOE -- CTU agent, computer whiz, and my favorite character on television even though I often want to slap her. Could not be more snotty, could not have worse people skills. She’s the template for every US postal employee.
TONY -- CTU agent who fell in love with fellow agent MICHELLE, went to prison for saving her life and then forgot to send her a card for their anniversary or something so she divorced him. They’re now back together. I’m not sure if they’re returning this year. They may go straight to JUDGE JUDY.
NINA, GEORGE, SHERRY, TERI – dead so don’t worry about them.
EDGAR – CTU computer nerd. Overweight although he seems to go 24 hour periods without eating. His mother was contaminated by radiation and had only a few hours to live but he had to get off the phone for “an emergency”.
AUDREY – Jack’s weepy sometimes girlfriend. Issues in the relationship: Jack’s torturing people, Jack letting her ex-husband die, Jack leaving the toilet seat up.
KIMBERLY – Jack’s annoying daughter. Been kidnapped so many times she now brings her own rope and gag. Can not ride in a car unless she’s in the trunk.
DAVID PALMER – Former President of the United States now selling Allstate Insurance.
Let the shootings, explosions, mayhem, suspense, and uninterrupted cellphone service no matter where Jack is begin!!
And if you’re not familiar with the characters, let me quickly get you up to speed.
JACK BAUER (Keifer Sutherland) – Has personally saved the world from nuclear war, a killer virus, deadly terrorist attacks, the destruction of Los Angeles, and a presidential assassination yet has not received so much as a holiday ham from this grateful nation. Now presumed dead he’s living in Mexico under an assumed alias (Rafael Palmiero). Never shown was the most grueling and harrowing 24 hour adventure he has ever had to endure -- the one that occurred after he drank a glass of unfiltered water.
CHLOE -- CTU agent, computer whiz, and my favorite character on television even though I often want to slap her. Could not be more snotty, could not have worse people skills. She’s the template for every US postal employee.
TONY -- CTU agent who fell in love with fellow agent MICHELLE, went to prison for saving her life and then forgot to send her a card for their anniversary or something so she divorced him. They’re now back together. I’m not sure if they’re returning this year. They may go straight to JUDGE JUDY.
NINA, GEORGE, SHERRY, TERI – dead so don’t worry about them.
EDGAR – CTU computer nerd. Overweight although he seems to go 24 hour periods without eating. His mother was contaminated by radiation and had only a few hours to live but he had to get off the phone for “an emergency”.
AUDREY – Jack’s weepy sometimes girlfriend. Issues in the relationship: Jack’s torturing people, Jack letting her ex-husband die, Jack leaving the toilet seat up.
KIMBERLY – Jack’s annoying daughter. Been kidnapped so many times she now brings her own rope and gag. Can not ride in a car unless she’s in the trunk.
DAVID PALMER – Former President of the United States now selling Allstate Insurance.
Let the shootings, explosions, mayhem, suspense, and uninterrupted cellphone service no matter where Jack is begin!!
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