Saturday, January 28, 2006

Anna of a thousand quotes

Having broadcast major league baseball for seven years I got the chance to meet quite a few “players’ wives”. Usually attractive in that charming “I’m a former prom queen so fuck you” way, they’d go to the games decked to the nines in every piece of jewelry they owned. Every night was prom night, even if it was 100 degrees and “Beer Night” in Kansas City. Most were very sweet, all were very cliquey (starting pitchers wives wouldn’t sit with catchers wives, infielders spouses avoided outfielders spouses, and of course no one sat with relievers wives), and very few were rocket scientists. When I was with the Orioles my wife preferred to sit with Cal Ripken’s mother.

In short, most players wives are a piece of work. But nothing compared to Kris Benson’s better half, Anna.

Kris is a grossly overpaid pitcher recently traded to the Orioles from the Mets for a bag of donuts. The Mets PR director can be taken off of suicide watch now.

This is typical Anna: She always bends over whenever photographers are around - like posing in a low-cut Mrs. Claus outfit, with kids, at the Mets' Christmas party - and she’ll do whatever it takes to grab the spotlight: "How are they going to sit there and say it's so controversial when they sign someone like (Carlos) Delgado, who turns his back on our flag?"

Her publicist quickly called a press conference. Yes, she has a publicist. She employs the same firm that handles Israel's Likud Party. Here was her idea of damage control -- she showed up chewing gum, wearing wicked-witch red shoes, an Orioles jersey over jeans, and when she stood up, for one golden moment, the jersey magically opened to reveal white stitches on a baseball bra.

About the Christmas photo op she told the stunned room, "You guys loved it. Say it, you loved it. One picture. I'm kind of miffed about that. Besides, don't these kids' moms not have breasts?"


There was talk she was going to pose nude for Playboy and the Mets, surprisingly, wouldn’t let her do it.

But my favorite Anna sound byte was her earlier shot at People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA): "I wear fur. I wear dead rabbits and dead minks and dead anything that will keep me warm. I love it. I don't like to be cold, and nothing keeps me warmer than my dead animals. Between my furs and my shoes, I have a whole zoo in my closet. I also love to eat meat. I eat meat twice a day because I need the protein and soy gives me painful gas."

Ohhh Lucy, you got some 'splain' to do!

I think New York is going to miss her. Because for the $22 million that the Mets were paying Kris Benson, these insane quotes are the best thing to come out of the deal. I look forward to her stomach's reaction to crab cakes.


Shawn Bowers said...

Sorry you had to retract the other post. That guy needed to lighten up a bit, yeah? For the record, it was a funny rant despite the crazy folk.

I think we have a new reality show in the making here, though. Baseballers' Wives. I smell a hit. I smell cash money money. And I'll even go 50/50 with you. Now THERE'S a deal that's almost impossible to refuse.

By Ken Levine said...

When people are writing in comparing how hard they have it and how severe their weather they're obviously missing the spirit of the piece. I don't even know why that guy reads this blog. It's obviously not for him.

VP81955 said...

Let me paraphrase a line from Sen. Stuart Symington in 1967, after Charlie Finley moved the Athletics from Kansas City, in Symington's home state of Missouri, to Oakland: With Anna Benson, Baltimore is the luckiest city since Hiroshima.

Then again, as someone from Washington who perceives Peter Angelos (aka "Cuban Pete") as the anti-Christ for his virulent, but ultimately futile, attempts to keep baseball from the other end of the B-W Parkway (only to end up profiting like a rose, thanks to a horribly one-sided cable TV deal arranged by MLB), this train-wreck-to-be couldn't happen to a more appropriate guy.

Anonymous said...

Hey Ken, I'm an aspiring sit-com writer in the UK and this is one of the best blogs I've ever read. I know what you're thinking - "one of?" Hey, what can I tell you, you're good but you're no Kevin Smith.


I'm just chipping in for purely selfish reasons - I read that I missed a rant. I really wish you'd forget the odd whack-job who complains about your posts, the more you take notice of 'em, the more they'll post their humourless, meddlesome, wholly worthless opinions. Your posts make me laugh out loud. Don't bow down to the dullards. This is your blog man!

Take it easy.

Steve C

Stephen Gallagher said...

Out of all her blathering, the only image that stuck with me was the one about painful gas.

Frank Strovel III said...

As a native Baltimorian (Baltimoron?) and lifelong Orioles fan I can only say that if Kris Benson can help the O's in some way, I don't care if Anna wears fur, farts, spreads her legs or writes a memior that's not really true.

Just win, baby!

MaryAn Batchellor said...

Forwarding this one to Tom Hicks. Hope you don't mind.

Chris said...

Give her a beehive and the cats' eye glasses and Anna can be a true hon'