Sunday, January 29, 2006

Celebrity Fit Club

I have a new favorite show – CELEBRITY FIT CLUB on VH1. Ohmygod! Reality television at its most absurd...for now. Overweight quasi-celebrities form teams, compete in grueling physical challenges like rolling a big ball 200 yards, and weigh-in before a stern three member board consisting of a doctor, psychologist, and drill sergeant.

I know. It sounds like a sketch.

At the end of the show the teams climb onto the world’s sturdiest balance scale and the squad that has lost the most weight wins. It is the same scale that determined that Los Angeles is heavier than San Francisco.

The host is America’s game show master – Ant. He delighted the audience by doing a dick joke two minutes into the show. Somewhere Wink Martindale is crying.

The weigh-in is a riot. The celebrities (?) get on the scale fully clothed. In the case of jumbo rapper, Bizarre that meant a heavy letterman jacket and enough jewelry around his neck to break a horse. When told he weighed 300 pounds he said, “Yeah, but I feel slimmer”.

Big dramatic moment: Jeff Conaway had a complete meltdown and was tossed off the show. The strain of not being able to eat whole cakes must’ve been too much for him. He was replaced by Gunner Nelson (whose big talent is that he’s Ricky Nelson’s son). Too bad Nelson didn’t replace Conaway on TAXI too.

Nice touch breaking for commercial and showing the trailer for BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2.

Bruce Villanch was another of the celebrities (?). He is enormous now, weighing well over 315 pounds (although to be fair, the camera does add ten pounds). He’s so fat and so out of shape that instead of participating in physical challenges he sits off to the side wearing a heart monitor. Bizarre has asthma so he’s on the bench too. It’s not exactly the Marines.

Then there’s Kelly LeBrock. I gasped. Gravity and middle age is a bitch. I don’t think the WEIRD SCIENCE nerds would be making a robot of her today. Kelly’s target weight loss this week is three pounds. She could achieve that easily by not getting another collagen injection.

Among the other celebrities (?):

Chastity Bono (Chris Farley lives). Growing up she must’ve eaten her meals and mom’s. That explains why both of them look the way they do today.

Countess Vaughn…who I guess is an actress. She’s lost a lot more parts than weight lately.

And former Cosby kid, Tempestt Bledsoe. They should rename the show CELEBRITY CAREER AUTOPSIES.

And of course the psychologist they hired, Dr. Linda -- there to make them feel better about themselves -- is slim and smoking hot. (And by the way, good job with Jeff Conaway, Dr. L.)

For sheer guilty pleasure this show can’t be beat. Grab a bag of Oreo Double-Stuffs and tune in next week when they all participate in life guard drills.


Anonymous said...

I'm so with you on the CFC love, Ken. However, I am a little ticked they replaced Jeff Conaway w/ Gunnar Nelson, who, IMO, is about as out-of-shape as James Frey is honest. (Speaking of which, Ken, any thoughts on THAT moment of amazing television?) I'm sure Gunnar was the best the show's producers could scrounge up at a moment's notice - and hey, it beats another season w/ the "Snapple Lady" - but it just seems like there had to be another, better alternative to the situation.

Anonymous said...

I once worked on a TV sitcom episode, aimed at the junior high age audience (12-16) where Ant was the audience warm-up. In a moment of impeccably good taste and judgment, he started telling dick jokes to these kids, and the adult leaders of two of the junior high groups that were attending the taping pulled their groups out of the studio and left. We finished taping that night with half a house (and he never did warm-up for that show again). I expect that the same thing will happen with the viewership of CFC.

Frank Strovel III said...

Poor Jeff Conaway. He finally found his big break(down).

Why is the winner of "Last Comic Standing" no where to be seen yet we're still dealing with Ant? (Where's my magnifying glass....?)

Anonymous said...

I don't even remember who won LCS.

Shawn Bowers said...

The winner of Last Comic Standing was some guy...some guy with hair. I don't remember.

Actually, wait...that's not true. In a bit of irony, the winner was that huge guy, Ralphie May, who wasn't really funny at all. They should have put HIM on the show and let him and Ant have at it in a battle of obscure non-celebrity wits.

CFC is enjoyable. I catch glimpses of it from time to time...sad as it sounds, I turn to VH1 more and more lately...all their pleasures are guilty, but pleasure is still pleasure.

Shawna said...

They did have Ralphie May on the show...2 fit clubs ago, I think.

The fact I know this, makes me a sad sad person.

Anonymous said...

I love CFC! My understanding is that the contestants are weighed sans their blingesque crap by a doctor prior to the light up "scale" in front of the Triad 'o Doom.. which is just for show.

Unknown said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Unknown said...

You know I wish Jeff could have stayed but they wanted him to take the easy way out and get well...

I'm getting sick of Bruce Villanch's Improv before he weighs in. The only thing missing is a mic and the brick facade...

Anonymous said...


I know it's a typo, but what a coinage! "Autoposies" could be either automatically-appearing flowers whenever you find you've forgotten an important date (like her birthday, your anniversary, the first simultaneous orgasm, whatever) OR they could be a cute name for people who strike a pose whenever a camera appears (or a flash goes off, even if the flash is coming from the sniper-rifle scope that's about to add the poor schlub to the "Dead List").

Either meaning would do for "autoposies," you know. Perhaps another meaning comes to you?


By Ken Levine said...

It could be another name for a car graveyard. I need a better spell checker.

Anonymous said...

Actually, Ken, I think your faulty spell checker let slip through a very apt term to describe the public behavior of those actors who work in a particular television genre, as anyone who's ever been to a daytime soap awards show can attest. As soon as these stars realize they are on camera, or their adoring public is straining to fawn over them, BOOM! Autoposies all over the place... Unfortunately, for the fans who attend those things, autoposies don't necessarily lead to autographies....