Monday, January 16, 2006

Join me at the water cooler

In the past I’ve reviewed the Golden Globes. But this year (a) I just don’t give a shit, and (b) 24 was on. I’m more concerned with what happens to Jack Bauer than Jake Gyllenhall.

Didn’t you love the 4 hour premiere explosion-fest? I hope President Palmer had Allstate life insurance. And Michelle had car and life insurance.

Now they’ve just stopped TRYING to approximate how long it takes to get anywhere. Mojave to downtown LA in twenty minutes – during 7 AM rush hour? And LA to Ontario Airport in 12 minutes? You can’t fly there that fast. Why not just “beam” Jack from place to place now?

Could they have found a President who looks more like Nixon? And acts more like Bush? Who needs a mole in the White House when the President is that vain and petulant and stupid?

And it’s great to see every family’s embarrassing “Aunt Carol” as the First Lady. Or was she modeled after Martha Mitchell?

What a break for the Channel 11 newscasters. John Beard, Steve Edwards, the weather guy – they all got to play parts. I was expecting Dorothy Lucey to report on the “lighter side of terrorism”.

So much for my theory that Chloe would be a lot less uptight if she ever got laid.

Sean Astin has gotten big. He COULD play football for Notre Dame these days.

Now Michelle can appear as a patient on HOUSE. “Teri”, Jack’s slain ex appeared as a bag lady that died in that show too. And evil “Nina” was a patient shortly thereafter. At the end of that episode she asked House why he had risked his career to save her. What I wanted him to say was “Because you and I have something in common. We both killed Jack’s wife.”

And I know as a TV writer I’m nailing my own coffin but I admit it, I love AMERICAN IDOL. I’m looking forward to the new season. Especially the auditions. It helps me understand Bush being President when I can see the people who elected him.

I’m starting an office pool. Which contestant will Paula sleep with this year? “Congratulations. You’re going to Paula-wood.”

Re last season: So much for my theory that Paula would be a lot less stupid if she ever got laid.

Ryan Seacrest is taking on so many gigs (including hosting an unfathomable ten hours of Golden Globes pre-show nonsense on E!) that I’m surprised he didn’t star in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN too.

Quick aside: E! TELEVISION should change their name to the GET A LIFE channel.

Quick aside #2: Going around the internet – alternate titles for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. My favorite: YOU HAD ME AT HOWDY.


Lloyd Thaxton said...

Why is it that "24" didn't win anything at the globes. Don't they know that Jack is gay? Didn't they see him hugging that tall white-haired guy at the globes?

And while we are on the subject, How about them Mariah Carey globes?

The golden boy,


Double Dogged said...

Hey Ken, I was turned on to your Blog by my son. I must say I have enjoyed your posts and remember you well when you were in Baltimore.

Almost Perfect was one of my favorite shows. I like Nancy Travis and Kevin Kilner.

I am lookin forward to American Idol tonight.

Anonymous said...

Ken, good choice to pass on the Golden Globes this year. To call them boring would be kind.
Maybe I'm getting to be an "old cocker", but I have very little interest in most of the films and almost all of the TV shows. And since I have worked with members of the foreign press (to call them "journalists" is a bigger joken then you'd hear on most TV shows!), they really should be serving a salad course rather then passing judgement on anything creative!
One final thing: how about some observations on all of this red carpet dreck that preceeds awards shows now. Oy!

Anonymous said...

And even if you weren't "more concerned with what happens to Jack Bauer than Jake Gyllenhall," watching the Globes wouldn't have helped you much in keeping abreast of developments in Jake Gyllenhall's life, seeing as how he wasn't nominated for anything. (Although if you had bothered to watch the show I guess you would've at least known about that little development in Gyllenhall's life ...)

Anonymous said...

I find it odd that the 24 producers always cast an uncomfortably bad young actor in the same role each season. Last year it was the wigged out son of William Devane, Now it's the wigged out son of his sort-a new girlfriend / beard (not John) character.

I do love it when they kill off important characters..immediately. Can you imagine trying that with Everyone Loves Raymond?

BTW, The Globes are bound to suck. Any show that has Shawn Parr as announcer is done on the cheap. Would like to hear Beau Weaver in the role.

Bill Nesbitt

Michael said...

At the end of that episode she asked House why he had risked his career to save her. What I wanted him to say was “Because you and I have something in common. We both killed Jack’s wife.”

That, my friend, is hilarious.

Michael said...

4 Favorite moments from the first four hours.

1. Chloe shooting that guy three times before Jack screams "Chloe, hold your fire!"

2. Trying to figure out what that dude possibly said to Chloe to get her booty-buck naked. I bet that took all night. He must have mad game, son.

3. The booger pumping in and out of Derek's nose when he thought he was going to be executed by the Russians. That's method acting.

4. Sean Astin accidentally calling the head CTU guy "Mr. Frodo". Okay, I mean that up.

By Ken Levine said...


You should've been the announcer. For those who don't recognize Bill's voice by his typing, he's the voice on KFWB.

Anonymous said...

Bone-anza is going to win big this year.

Shawn Bowers said...

I too chose 24 over the Globes. I'm just sad that I missed the surely HILARIOUS opening song parody where they take a popular song and replace the lyrics with obvious observations about the stars arriving. Talk about golden. Whoo boy. Tears are coming to my eyes with but a thought.

Anonymous said...

Lovely to see so many homophobes have found a home. Including, evidently the author of this "blog".

CharlieDontSurf said...

If your going to make lame snarky the world a favor and sack up n use your actual name.

Anonymous said...

best joke at the Globes? Dennis Quaid commenting on Brokeback when he said 'well it rhymes with chick flick'

Frank Strovel III said...

Can a remake of "Rawhide" be far behind?

Anonymous said...

I can understand why you'd skip the Golden Globes but was really waiting for your feedback on the incredibly embarrassing and cringeful pre-show coverage on E! Television. Ryan Seacrest did well to hold it together, but I was hoping for a petition to keep Isaac Mizrahi off the air.. permanently. He was the worst celebrity interviewer ever, in the history of ever, and was totally inappropriate - asking all the ladies what underwear they had on, and even asking Eva Longoria if she'd gone a brazilian or a bikini wax for the event!!

Cunningham said...

From my corner of LA, here at the secret mountain headquarters, 24 was the given for the night. The only way they were getting the remote was from my cold, dead hand.

Fox has an excellent handle on how to promote this show - too bad they couldn't do the same for Arrested Development.

What was really funny though was when it was over, I was going to switch to the Globes, only Fox News came on with the highlights. I watched those instead, got all the information I wanted, then turned on Grey's Anatomy.

It was a good evening...

Anonymous said...

24's President Logan is the liberal fantasy of what President Bush is like. That's why the left keeps losing elections. If they could possibly get past the "Bush is dumb" argument and look into his true failings as president, they might have a chance. As for the American Idol comment: try being less elitist and more funny. Then maybe your career wouldn't be in such sad shape.

By Ken Levine said...

Ouch. Withering. My career is doing just fine, "Anonymous".