Upfronts and Personal & publicity

Here in New York for my play reading next week. Thanks to BroadwayWorld.com for the nice ink:

UPFRONTS AND PERSONAL READING 2-12-2007

Four Broadway stars will take part in a free reading of Ken Levine's Upfronts and Personal on February 12th at 7:30 PM at CAP21's The Shop (18 West 18th Street).

The reading will star Tony Award-winner Joanna Gleason (Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, Into the Woods), Malcolm Gets (Amour, A New Brain), Chip Zien (Falsettos, Into the Woods) and David Rasche (Regrets Only, Speed-the-Plow).

According to CAP21 notes, the show "is a comedy about how studios and writer/producers get their shows on the network fall schedule. It’s a world of competition, deals, deceit, allies, enemies, compromise, sex, love, death, savvy, ageism, ethics, and a fat guy in a Beefeater suit."

The rest of the article is here.

Also thanks to Playbill.com for their nice piece.

Here's just a sample of the play. When a young writer asks a studio president (who will be played by WINGS' David Schramm) just what are "Upfronts", he says:

"The networks announce their new Fall schedules then the advertisers buy commercial time "up front". Spending billions on nothing more than blind faith. It's like if you put an Off-track betting window in a mental institution."

I may not win a Tony but it was great to get off my chest.

Superbowl XLIXXXCIIXXCLX

I love Superbowls in the rain. Missed PAT’s, back-to-back fumbles twice, wet cheerleaders, and rich people paying five grand for tickets getting soaked.

On HD the long shots through wet lens still looked smeared but the smear was much sharper.

Levine’s law: the team that runs back the opening kickoff for a touchdown loses.

Of the 34,563,563,984,001 people that watched last year’s Superbowl I bet only 2,000,000 can name the two teams. And half of those only remember because they lost money. Pittsburgh and I think…Seattle. Seattle, right? Yeah. Seattle.

Now that the game is over our sports sections can finally focus on fishing!

Ten thousand tedious hours of pre-game coverage and analysis and NOBODY predicted the Colts defense would be the key.

I bet Sunday was the one night of the year you could get into Joe’s Stone Crabs without a two hour wait.

More fun than the game was the Media Day on Wednesday. Here are some of the great questions the players were asked:

To Colts tight end Ben Utect: “Since you play for the Colts, are you going to win one for Barbano?”

To Bears linebacker Brian Urlacher: “What exercises do you do to get such a tight butt and such big biceps?”

To Bears linebacker Brendon Ayanbadejo: “Do you think it’s okay for a man to give another man a massage?”

Since when did Sam Rubin become a sports journalist???

I still can’t forgive the Colts for fleeing Baltimore in the dead of night.

Only one player was under house arrest – Tank Johnson of the Bears. And all he did was illegally keep a semiautomatic rifle, a loaded .45-caliber handgun, four other guns, one ammunition stash of 550 rounds, three arrests in 18 months, then violated probation. But he was given a one game suspension so there you go.

I’d love to see the post game commercial – “ (blank), you’ve just won the Superbowl, now what?” Player: “I’m going to PRISON!!”

The CBS pre-game show featured James Brown (the other one who isn’t buried), Dan Marino, Boomer Esison, Shannon Sharpe, and Katie Couric. Brown tried to give Katie some street cred by pointing out her athletic background – she once was a cheerleader. Will we see her next Sunday on the Grammy’s giving out the best hip hop CD?

Explain to me the point of Cirque de Soleil? Fellini meets the Orange Bowl halftime show.

I don’t care how many Grammy’s Billy Joel has won, the huge woman in the big bird dress who auditioned for AMERICAN IDOL was better.

And then the anachronism now known as Prince – When the Foo Fighters recorded “The Best Of You” there’s a reason they didn’t have you sing the lead and back it with a marching band. And Robert Goulet wants his turquoise suit back.

Speaking of Bob Goulet, good job in that Emeralds nuts spot. Now if only anyone under forty knew who he was.

CBS charged $85,000 a second for Superbowl commercial time. I wanted to call and order a three second spot.

Tickets to one of the suites went for over $200,000. But Cheese Doodles were included.

I loved that both head coaches were African-American.

In the “Boy named Sue” department – you HAD to play football in school if your name was Lovie Smith.

Jim Nance did a fine job announcing the game. You couldn’t ask for anyone better other than Dick Enberg, Al Michaels, Joe Buck, Charlie Jones, Vin Scully, or Keith Jackson.

God, I feel old. I remember when THE A-TEAM premiered after a Superbowl.

Those Coke commercials were fabulous. Great animation, inventive, and I guess they didn’t get the memo because their spots had no talking animals, pratfalls, stupid slackers, lame jokes, and old people riding motorcycles,

I’m only sorry the Flomax commercial didn’t follow the Budweiser commercial.

I wish it were raining so hard that when Tony Dungy got drenched with the Gatorade bucket he wouldn’t realize it.

I’m sure Peyton Manning’s first reaction when the gun sounded was not elation but relief.

Come this time next year if anyone should ask – the Indianapolis Cols and I think… the Chicago Bears.

The Fresh Prince of Rome

Molto bene!

The Lost CHEERS

My now Superbowl tradition. The “Lost scene of CHEERS”. My partner, David Isaacs and I wrote it, it was seen by EIGHTY MILLION people, (almost double the audience of the final episode of CHEERS)… then never shown again.. I’m not even sure if a copy of the film still exists. For the first time in 23 years, here’s the lost script of that scene. Backstory: People forget but Cheers wasn’t always an enormous hit. The first season’s ratings (1982-83) were terrible…as in “dead last”. In today’s world both the CW and Univision would kick our ass. In an effort to get better exposure NBC asked if we’d do a special scene to be aired sometime during the Superbowl pre game show. Pete Axthelm, the distinguished sports columnist for Newsweek and gambling tout for the Peacock agreed to appear. David and I banged out the scene. NBC aired it…right before kick-off. Talk about a good time slot. Enjoy, trivia buffs:

FADE IN:

INT. BAR – EARLY AFTERNOON

CARLA, CLIFF AND NORM ARE AT THE TABLE WATCHING TELEVISION. SAM IS AT THE BAR. DIANE ENTERS.

DIANE
Morning everyone.

EVERYONE AD LIBS HELLO’S.

DIANE
You boys are here early today.

NORM
Superbowl Sunday, Diane. The only reason for living…not found in a mug.

CLIFF
We’re early because we gotta catch all twelve hours of the Superbowl pre-game show.

CARLA
Started off this morning with the Superbowl Mass. Moved right into NFL ’82.

SAM
The next hour they’re going to trace the family tree of every player on both sides.

DIANE
Ah, the big game. An American tradition. These athletes will test themselves for all they’re worth. They’ll spit farther than they’ve ever spat before. They’ll scratch in places no man has ever dared to scratch. That is entertainment.

CLIFF
Yeah. Superbowl Seventeen. Or as the French would say it, (IN JOHN’S UNIQUE FRENCH ACCENT) “Superbowl Seventeen”.

PETE AXTHELM ENTERS AND APPROACHES THE BAR.

PETE
(TO SAM) Excuse me. Do you have a phone here? I’ve got the only bookmaker on the planet that I can’t get in touch with on Superbowl Sunday.

SAM
Yeah, it’s down the hall.

CARLA
Hey, you’re Pete Axthelm.

PETE
That depends on whether you want to thank me or hit me for my selections this year.

SAM
Welcome to Cheers.

EVERYONE EXCEPT DIANE ACKNOWLEDGES HIM.

CLIFF
Hey, how come you’re not out there in Pasadena?

PETE
I should be. It’s the last time I book a flight through Jimmy the Greek’s travel agency.

DIANE
Excuse me my ignorance, but I don’t know this gentleman. Will you introduce us?

SAM
This is Pete Axthelm. Pete’s the NBC house tout. Picks all the big games. He’s even right every now and then.

PETE
Actually I’m always right. It’s the players and referees that screw it up.

DIANE
Oh, I see. You predict football games.

PETE
That’s right.

DIANE
Oh what a worthy profession. I hope they pay you more than scientists and judges.

EVERYONE REACTS TO DIANE: “HEY, THAT ISN’T FAIR”, “LIGHTEN UP”, “COME ON, DIANE”, ETC.

DIANE
Pardon me, but it just seems ridiculous how you people place so much importance on the outcome of one silly little football game.

THEY CHIDE HER AGAIN: “AW, YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND”, etc.

NORM
So Pete, forget about her, tell us who you like.

PETE
Well, I’m still feeding it all into my delicate computer – it’s a tough one, but I gotta start with that great Miami defense…

DIANE
Miami?! Are you crazy?! That Thiesman person will pick them apart. You call him a prophet?

EVERYONE STARTS TAKING SIDES. A GIANT ARGUMENT ENSUES ON WHO’S GOING TO WIN.

PETE
What’s going on?

NO REACTION.

PETE
Hey, what’s the name of this place?

EVERYONE
Cheers.

THEY ALL GO BACK TO THEIR ARGUMENT.

PETE
(INTO CAMERA) Lots of abuse. I love it. My kind of place. You only find true peace at racetracks and saloons.

FADE OUT.

YOU DUPED

YOU TUBE should be called DUPED YOU. So many of these slice-of-life videos turn out to be hoaxes. The latest is this one. A girl on her wedding day freaks out. I mean, a meltdown even Sean Penn would approve. It’s received over 9,000,000 hits (waaaay more than my Sorkin parody) and causing cyber buzz. But it’s really staged – four actress wannabes from Canada cooked up the whole thing. I applaud their ingenuity but I’m not crazy about this trend of misleading people for attention. I guess what I’m really saying is I WANT TO SEE REAL WEDDING MELTDOWNS!

Daytime television

Hello from New York. Flying Jet Blue gave me a chance to sample 36 channels of daytime television. If you’re like me and rarely watch daytime TV (preferring instead to have a life) here’s what you’re missing.

Commercial breaks on every channel are ten minutes. And they’re all for arthritis medication, urinary leak prevention, cholesterol reducers. Every spot warns of 72 potentially fatal side effects and ends with happy old people riding motorcycles.

Only exception: BBCA. They had lawn mower commercials.

ESPN “Classic’ showed iron man truck pulls. Before ESPN bought that channel they showed great Ali fights and the 1960 World Series.

On the six other ESPN channels there was endless discussion about the upcoming Superbowl. They were interviewing everybody in Miami, including the one Cincinnati Bengal who isn’t under arrest.

THE YOUNG & THE RESTLESS keeps keeping on. Eric Braeden never ages. He must have a portrait of himself somewhere in an attic where he looks like Bob Barker.

And speaking of Bob, it’s time. Walk your dogs, nap in the afternoon, ride a motorcycle.

The Hallmark Channel plays MATLOCK all day long. Comedy Central repeats THE DAILY SHOW and COLBERT REPORT but not enough.

The anchors on THE WEATHER CHANNEL are soooo perky! They all have terminal Mary Hart disease. They could not sound happier telling us about the ice storm in Virginia, the delays at O’Hare, and the golf ball sized hale in Georgia. Wooooo!! Yeah!!!!! Hale!!!! Alllll-right!!!!

It’s impossible to watch A&E without that damn SOPRANOS promo in the corner of the screen for ten out of every fifteen minutes. WE KNOW!!!

CSI: MIAMI is on A&E. It’s 100 degrees, 100% humidity, punishing blinding sun and David Caruso strolls around all in black. At the beginning of every show he surveys the crime scene, is thoroughly disgusted, vows to stop at nothing in solving this travesty then lets his crew do all the work. At the end he swoops back in, is satisfied… but not satisfied enough. Cut to Jerry Bruckheimer’s credit.

A&E also showed my favorite repeat episode of 24. It’s the one where Jack is declared legally dead at the top of the show and by the end is beating the shit out of three guys in a parking lot. But he winces once so you know he’s not 100%.

At THE FOOD CHANNEL they’re whipping up meatloafs, soufflés, and fondues and each dish requires seventeen pans, six bowls, thirty-four kitchen utensils, and $1,000 in raw ingredients. But after watching for fifteen minutes, when the stewardess came around with Mini Wheat Thins I almost dove for the bag.

There were some fun great construction disasters over on THE HISTORY CHANNEL.

Every time I came across the FOX NEWS CHANNEL – click!

TV LAND had GUNSMOKE. It’s always fun to see known actors when they were 20. Loretta Swit before she went all Michael Jackson.

COACH is still on. Who knew?

Watching THE NEWLYWED GAME on the GSN confirms that the 70’s were the single worst decade for fashion. Ohmygod! What were we thinkin’? The wide lapels, bellbottoms, leisure suits, pastel colors all accessorizing our cheesy moustaches and Mr. Kotter hairstyles – we were truly idiots. And as I watched, I couldn’t help thinking – when are they going to bury James Brown already?

BRAVO seemed to have Kathy Griffin’s stand up act on a continuous loop. Visual turbulence.

FOX NEWS again. Click!

There must be ten auto insurance companies I never heard of before today.

And as if all the Medicare, trade college, and ambulance chaser commercials weren’t enough to send me into a major depression and hammer home the subliminal message that I’m a LOSER, I must have seen four sitcoms from the 90’s all written and produced by talented writers who today can’t get work.

“Stewardess, here's my last five dollars. I’ll have a gin & tonic!”

My Sundance kid

I’m winging to New York for a reading of my play and the great weather. New blog entries should continue on a daily basis assuming there’s internet access in Manhattan.

For two weeks I’ve read and heard nothing but insiders accounts of the Sundance Film Festival. So I thought it might be fun to hear an outsider’s account. My son, Matt and his girlfriend, Kim, were right in the heart of the beast. Matt files this report:We happened to be in Park City for the Sundance Film festival. Kim and I wandered down to Main Street, Park City's downtown area, to check out the festivities. All around the area were huge signs for SUNDANCE07. However, once you get there it looks like any other ski resort downtown area, except that it's inundated with classic LA types. How can you tell the people from LA? Because in 30 degree weather they're either wearing a giant parka with three scarves or a tank top and jeans (yes, we saw both). Only by pure chance did some people dress appropriately, and you still knew they were from LA because they wore something that would only be fashionable to people who live in West Hollywood (think rhinestones, lots of rhinestones). Here is where it would be appropriate to wear Uggs, but nobody did.

Sundance is supposed to be a film festival, so theoretically there should be some theaters playing movies. We found one (The Egyptian Theater) with a giant line outside. Tickets are ridiculously expensive and hard to get. If you want to see an agent wait in line while freezing his ass off, Sundance is the place for you.

I grabbed a copy of the movie listings and decided to read a few of the descriptions. Let me share them with you. The first was a movie about the relationship between identical twin brothers and how it changes when one gets a sex change. The next was about a man falling in love with his horse. If either of these gets nominated for an Oscar the movie industry should just shoot themselves.

If you go to one of these festivals, I'd also like to suggest that you avoid any movie which uses the terms "unique perspective", "worlds torn apart", or "weaves together" in it's description. Also, if the movie refers to itself as "cinema" stay far, far away.

I tried a beer called "Polygamy Porter." It's not as good as it sounds.

As we wandered down Main Street I managed to categorize most people into three groups:

1) Agents/Producers/Actors: These are the people walking around with their cell phones attached to their ears and completely unaware of where they are. They are more than happy to push you out of the way, while their wives drag them into the boutique shops to spend their money. Most of the A-list actors had already left for the week because of the SAG awards, which meant we got an even better show: the B and C-list actors. Imagine fifty Angelyne's walking around in the cold. Also, you can distinguish the agents from the rest since they never have to warm up inside, seeing as how they work for the devil.

2) Film Students: These are the 20-somethings with the indie haircuts and the strange piercings. They all think they are being unique, but couldn't look more cookie-cutter. For example, they all wore Sundance 07 shirts and hats. Way to break the mold guys. You could overhear them talking about "beauty", and "symbols" in their "films" (because they would never work on "movies" or G-d forbid "television").

3) Locals: They couldn't be more friendly to your face, but truthfully can't stand Sundance. One local I met wished that it had snowed this year so he could watch the freakshows in their fur coats and high heels slipping down Main Street. They actually raise prices on almost everything for the week of Sundance. You want a burger? That'll be $12. Now I know Park City isn't cheap to start with, but they take full advantage of the situation. Hey, I can't blame them.

So there you have it. Sundance is a big, snooty excuse to go to a ski town, wait outside in the cold and if you're lucky see a movie. If you want my advice, go to Park City, ski the slopes and download some of the Sundance shorts off iTunes to watch on the plane. You may actually enjoy the area, and raise the price of my Apple Computer stock. It's a win-win.

-Matt

P.S. To be fair, there is one movie that looked really interesting at Sundance: "In the Shadow of the Moon." Of course, it's not like I got to watch it. Hooray Netflix.

You can read Matt's Red Sox blog, Dirty Watah. Talk to you tomorrow from Gotham.

How can you tell if an actor's funny?

A reader wondered how in an audition you could tell if an actor’s funny? The simple answer – does he or she make you laugh? The long answer -- there is no long answer.

It’s hard to explain but truly funny people just give off a vibe. Their attitude, the way they walk, their look – they seem to possess an innate sense of rhythm and timing. And you know it. That’s how we felt when Katey Segal first walked into our office. And Robert Pastorelli. And especially Jenna Elfman.

It gets tough when you're casting a network pilot. The people who audition are all at a certain advanced level. They’re thoroughly professional. They know how to cold read. They know how to sell the jokes. Any one of them would be okay.

But you’re looking for special. The actor who doesn’t have to work hard to get the laughs. The one that just projects a natural comic persona, whether it’s goofiness, or pomposity, or frustration, or in the case of Robin Williams, every emotion known to man and three that aren’t.

Example of “good” vs. “special” – Jim Belushi…John Belushi.

And appearance is important. Check out these photos. Would either of these guys even have to read for you to know they’re funny?

Harder to find are good looking actors who also have comedy chops. It's especially tough finding guys. That's why Paul Rudd and Jason Bateman get seven pilot offers a season. CHEERS with William Devane would have lasted thirteen episodes.

Here's what's not funny: making dolphin noises, mugging, wearing Fruit of the Loom costumes, being in on the joke, crossing your eyes, putting corn stalks in your ears, snorting, splitting watermelons with a sledgehammer, referring to all women as ho's, dropping the "n" bomb, imitating Helen Keller, being loud, did I mention making dolphin noises?

At the end of the day, I’ve always gone by the Nat Hiken test. Hiken, a brilliant comedy writer, created and wrote THE PHIL SILVERS SHOW and CAR 54 WHERE ARE YOU? He used to say that if an actor auditioned and he wanted to go right home and write twenty minutes of dialogue for him, THAT’S the actor you hire.

"Drop it, punk! I've got a hose!"

Have you seen the SOPRANOS on A&E?

TONY: "You motherf-ather, you been sleepin' with that fu-dgin' cun-iver, haven't you, you piece of s-oap? I have a good mind to take this f-utzinheimer gun, shove it right up her sn-oot and blow her s-ocks away!"

And that's just the language.

Now it seems that Congress may take on the BIG issue that confronts this crippled nation (not the war or economy) -- too much violence and gore on TV. I imagine the first step is to form a committee to look into selecting a subcommittee. Then they'll schedule hearings and fact finding missions until it’s finally determined that Tony can't kill anybody, he can just fire warning shots. And 24 can set off a twelve megaton nuclear bomb but not a fifty.

By the way, it will be a bi-partisan committee. THIS they can work together on.

So as they put aside the issues of health care, job outsourcing, and spiraling gas prices to focus on the more important matter of policing police shows and doctoring doctor shows, here are a few questions I would like to submit.

Where should gore-fest NIP/TUCK draw the line? May they show a face lift but not liposuction? Is it okay to see them operate on Kelly Carlson and not Rosie O’Donnell? (Well, in that case, yeah).

And those simulated close up cameras that zoom into peoples’ bodies and crash into aneurisms on CSI and HOUSE – ick!!!

Instead of a gun, should Vic Mackey protect himself only with a fire hose on THE SHIELD?

Is the only acceptable episode of OZ the one where Johnny Cash comes to perform?

For every gunsel that Tony Soprano threatens must he complete 100 hours of anger-management training?

Christopher can no longer slug Lauren Becall? At worst he can make fun of her for doing Fancy Feast cat food commercials?

Instead of torturing suspected terrorists, should Jack Bauer give them treats if they talk?

Men can be IN trees but not fall out of them?

Excuse me, dear elected officials, it is impossible to set guidelines. What show is bloodier, CRIMINAL MINDS or MASH? Name me a more sympathetic protagonist than serial killer DEXTER.

Don’t we have more important things to do than regulate television shows? The offending programs all have disclaimers. And there are alternatives. TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL is still showing on one of those cable networks.

And it embarrasses me to say that all of this nonsense began as a result of my generation. Yes, we baby boomers all became violent homicidal maniacs because according to Congress back then – we watched CAPTAIN VIDEO.

What five year old boy didn't see that Atomic Disentigrator Rifle and not want to kill? And what five year old girl didn't see that Cosmic Ray Vibrator and...oh wait a minute, now we're crossing into too much sex on TV. Motherf-ather! That Captain Video corrupted us all.

My greatest home run call

After hearing all the goofy things I used to do on Syracuse Chiefs broadcasts, a few readers asked me to tell the story again of my "greatest home run call".

For three years in the minors and seven in the majors I did baseball play-by-play. Someday I hope to do it again. The staple of a baseball announcer is his home run call.

I was broadcasting for the Chiefs, the AAA affiliate of the Toronto Blue Jays, in 1988. Our station had a weaker signal than my home Wifi transmitter. At night you couldn’t hear it at the ballpark. When people complained I used to say that this was just the flagship station of the “Worldwide Syracuse Chiefs Radio Network”. I would pause for station identification every half hour and make up all this crap about how popular the Chiefs were in Norway and Bhutan.

We had a third baseman named Norm Tonucci. Sweet kid from Connecticut who was on a year long slump. He came to bat once and I said we had many listeners from Borneo because Norm was a folk hero over there. I then created some story that his father had parachuted behind enemy lines in World War II and single handedly saved the country. I said the currency of Borneo is “Tonuches”, that 90% of male babies and 70% of female babies were named Norm. Every time he came to bat I would reprieve this Borneo connection and night after night he would go 0-3, 0-4, 0-8 (doubleheader).

One night we’re in Oklahoma City and Norm hits a triple. When he came to bat the next time up I talked about how excited the people of Borneo were over the triple. The next pitch he just crushed. And this was my home run call:

“Tonucci swings and there’s a long drive to deep left field. Steve Kemp goes back…to the track…to the wall….NO SCHOOL TOMORROW IN BORNEO!”

Studio B on Wilshire Blvd.

From E! Network's THE SOUP comes this very funny spoof of Aaron Sorkin featuring K.P. Anderson and Joel McHale. Come on, Aaron, it's amusing.

Oooh baby, left turn ahead...

In reading your comments about GPS systems a question occurred to me. If you could pick the voice, who would it be?

At first I thought, maybe someone like James Earl Jones. But considering he’s Darth Vader I could just imagine that heavy breathing while the car was idling at a stop light. And God forbid I don’t follow one of his instructions.

I’m sure men and women would make different selections. I can’t see too many guys going with Barry White. “Oooooh baby, turn left ahead. You know you want to do it. Come on, baby, do it. Turn left. Now. Ohhhh yeah!”

Guys might prefer that late night bedroom voice a la Allison Steele, the sexiest sounding disc jockey in the history of radio.

If you really have esteem issues you might want your mother’s voice. Or your drill sergeant’s. “I can’t BELIEVE you ain’t at that intersection yet, you Goddamn maggot pussy!”

There’s always Simon Cowell but he’d stop you after thirty seconds and tell you it’s pointless to go any further.

And Dick Tufeld, the voice of the robot on LOST IN SPACE. “Danger! Danger! Dead end ahead.”

If you used William Daniels you could pretend you were in Knight Rider.

For just classic great radio voices (you might not know the names but you’d recognize them when you heard them) : Dan Ingram, Robert W. Morgan, Jon Miller, Neil Ross, Randy West, Mike McCann, Gary Burbank, Lyle Dean, Dave Williams, Gary Owens, Bill Drake, Humble Harv, Laurie Allen, Charlie Van Dyke, Howard Hoffman, Mark Elliott, and Rick Dees.

Randy Thomas has great pipes. She’s the “Hooked on Phonics” spokesman. Also the booth announcer for the Academy Awards. “This is Ken’s second trip to Calabasas, first to 10835 Ventura Blvd.” (Randy also will be announcing this year's Superbowl halftime show. If you used her voice you could probably get your car into VIP parking in certain places.)

I always liked that throaty tone of Kirstie Alley. And if you wanted to feel important, how about that guy who does all the movie trailers? “YOU have arrived at YOUR dessss-ti-nationnnnn.”

And then there’s Seth MacFarlane who could give you a lot of voices. Same for Harry Shearer. You’d never fall asleep at the wheel if Robin Williams were reeling off directions in thirty different accents.

Kiefer Sutherland could do it but you’d have trouble hearing him. Half the time you’d be yelling “WHAT??!” at the screen.

People I would least like as my GPS guide: Barbra Streisand, Joan Rivers, Bobcat Goldwait, Gilbert Godfried, Rosie O’Donnell, Fran Drescher, Danny Bonaduce, Judy Tanuta, Joe Cocker, Jaimie White, and Tim McCarver.

But if I had to choose one voice and one voice only… it would have to be Vin Scully. “Pull up a chair, put on your seatbelt and spend a little time…going to 320 Kimber Road.” I might just give an address in New York and let him take him the whole way.

Who would your custom GPS voice be?

In search of Wendy

I don’t know how I lived before Wendy. She’s nurturing, she’s patient, she shows me the way. A lot of times I’ll do stupid things, ignore her advice completely and yet she never gets angry. Never even raises her voice. She just readjusts her thinking to accommodate me. Before you get too excited guys, Wendy is my GPS system. I’ve named her for “Wendy and the lost boys”, which seemed better than “Donna Dashboard” or “mother”.

My big question is just who is this woman? She’s the Lexus GPS voice. Maybe one of you know. I tried tracking it down on the internet but kept running into dead ends.

Do people recognize her voice when she’s in a supermarket or ordering at Shoney’s? How long did it take to record all of that? Jon Miller of ESPN records their baseball video game each year and it takes about three days to update from last year’s edition. By the third day he’s walking into walls.

The funniest day I ever had on the MASH set was when they assembled the cast to do promos for all the affiliates. The show had just gone into syndication and as a courtesy the cast agreed to do quick individual promos. Promos like this:

“Hi, this is Alan Alda. Thanks for watching MASH and now stay tuned for Cindy Zichiweivitz, Bob Bandamama and the rest of the Eyewitness News team on the big one in Biloxi, Channel 17. “

and then…

“Hi, this is Alan Alda. We have your prescription for comedy on MASH followed by Channel 39 Action Central News with Laura Papadacilous, Harold DeBois, Dirk D. Detmeyer sports, and Dr. Happy with the weather – voted the number one news team in Norfolk for the ninth year in a row.”

They had to record 200 of these. Can you imagine?!

By the 20th one they were tripping all over themselves, by the 100th it was a train wreck. Everyone was so punchy, they could not get through a promo without six takes, five of them laughing hysterically.

And, these promos were done at the end of a filming day.

I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life.

So when I hear Wendy lovingly say “make a sharp right in one half mile” I imagine it was after four takes of:

“make a right … oh fuck, sharp right… God damn it, let’s do this fucking thing again. What is a fucking sharp right turn anyway? Like the putz driving is gonna know? He’s probably got his head so far up his ass he doesn’t even know what a right turn is. And he's driving a fucking Lexus. I have a goddamn Kia but this pissant drives a Lexus. It's a fucking joke! Okay, here we go, take five…”

Whoever Wendy is, I have got to meet her. But not during a session.

American Idol so far

Of all the bizarre looking contestants that have tried out for AMERICAN IDOL this season (and there have been shockingly many), none have even come close to Carole Bayer Sager. Yikes! She looked like a trampoline with eyes.

Why do they even need a guest judge? It takes FOUR people to determine that the skeesix in the Uncle Sam costume with boxing gloves can’t sing?

I’m still having nightmares over Carole Bayer Sager. Imagine a slingshot that’s been stretched for four blocks.

Last week the guest dead weight was Jewel. She could not have looked more uncomfortable if she were sitting with the Menendez Brothers and O.J. Simpson. Favorite moment: when she mumbled to a contestant that he had no personality.

On the other hand, when Simon is not there just cancel the auditions.

Yes, a lot of these contestants are just chump bait, and they know what they’re in for, but does the camera have to linger on them soooo long? Do we have to see them grovel and beg and cry? I don’t care if the show gets a 70 share, it’s wrong.

Okay, he couldn’t sing but flamboyant Ian Benardo was hilarious. Dump ‘TIL DEATH and put him on the air.

I bet if Joni Mitchell auditioned she’d get three no’s.

Best singer so far: Sundance Head. Best name so far: Sundance Head. For those who didn’t see the show, it’s a guy.

Not only can most kids not sing. Most apparently have never been to a dentist.

Amanda & Antonella, the two hot best friend girls (who we saw frolicking in the ocean in their bikinis .. this is Fox remember) – I’m already calling 1-900-IDOL and voting for them.

Oh please, this season, let one of the theme nights be Bjork. And another be Ethel Merman.

I loved the girl who wanted to be the first AMERICAN IDOL that couldn’t sing.

Where are they now? Kelly Clarkson is an international superstar with Grammys and platinum CD’S. Runner-up, Justin Guarini is hosting IDOL TONIGHT on the TV Guide channel.

Anytime a contestant says they’re going to sing Shakira the judges should just say, “Sorry, it’s a no. Thanks for coming.”

As I watch these auditions I wonder – which one of these kids will be the next AMERICAN IDOL and which will be Paula’s new boyfriend?

Of all the crazies, my favorite contestants were the mother and daughter that looked like Patty & Selma. Runners up: Fidel Castro, girl with the cow, the juggler/serial killer, and the hipster Amish guy.

Give Ian his own show!

Sundance -- does anyone care?

The LA TIMES Calendar section has been devoting an inordinate amount of space to covering the Sundance Film Festival. Review of the movies, latest scuttlebutt, who’s buying what for how much, etc. Only thing is – I can’t see any of these movies, I’m not invited to any of these parties, I don’t stand to benefit from any of the exciting big deals. And a lot of the names they’re throwing around are known only to Endeavor agents. I’m in the industry and I really don’t care. So I can imagine what all the “non pros” think.

Seems to me the only people interested in this coverage are the people who are already there.

When I broadcast minor league baseball I used to often think, “other than the players and the players’ wives, who the hell is really listening to this? Who cares if we win the International League championship?” I don’t even think the wives gave a shit. Plus we were asked to give out of town league scores. “They’re in the third in Rochester and Toledo has a 3-1 lead. Uh oh, pitching change in Pawtucket where Columbus is threatening in the 6th.” Zzzzzzzzzzz.

So I figured I had to do something to make the broadcasts a little more interesting. I’d hear my counterparts filling time by spelling out the players’ backgrounds. What high schools they went to, hometown, batting average in college, that sort of thing. Zzzzzzzzz.

So I decided that since the audience didn’t know any of these guys anyway I would just make stuff up. Who’s going to know?

A typical Syracuse Chiefs broadcast would sound like this:

“Eric Green up there now. That gold medallion around his neck is actually a Tony Award Eric won in 1984 for choreography.”

“Alex Campusano spends his free time inventing new surgical techniques.”

“Colin Washington is warming up in the pen. Most people don’t know this but Colin has seven brothers and six sisters, all of them named Colin.”

“Mario Infante makes the catch. He’s looking forward to our trip next week to Buffalo. Last time he was there was when he went over Niagra Falls in a barrel. It was pretty scary but he said he did win five dollars.”


“Otis Yelding takes a strike. A lot of excitement in the clubhouse before the game when Otis’ boa constrictor got loose. The ball girl didn’t find it too funny though when she found it in the Gatorade bucket. I’m surprised you couldn’t hear her scream back home in Syracuse. Next pitch…low.”

“Geronimo Sanchez strikes out looking. And boy is he hopping mad. He’s yelling at the umpire, and…I think he’s yelling in Hebrew.”

“You know that baby on the cover of Gerber baby food? That was really Scranton manager, Stan Bailor. They used his baby picture for that cover. I think it was only a year later that he started chewing tobacco.”

Hey, gimme a break. It’s a long season.

So for any of you TIMES reporters in Sundance, it’s okay to tell us Robert Redford was seen in a dress, or that one of the movies this year deals with bestiality. Wait a minute. There actually is a bestiality movie this year.

Hmmmmm? At least that’s what they’re saying.

The MASH Oscar show

With the 2007 Academy Award nominations being announced, Oscar Fever has officially begun. Doing my part, today’s topic is the annual MASH Oscar show. You might think that’s the one episode a year we deemed worthy of Hollywood’s highest honor. No. It was the one episode we’d try to bury by airing it up against the Oscars. (At the time both MASH and the Academy Awards were on Monday night.)

Every show has at least one episode a year that is just a clam. The trick is not to have nineteen.

So that is what we’d routinely do. Put our weakest show in that slot. (The scary thing is that whatever terrible number we got back then would probably be good enough for renewal now) However, in season seven we aired a pretty good episode. So why was it there? Read on.

The name of the episode was Preventive Medicine. The story seemed very intriguing. The number of arriving wounded had increased because of one careless Colonel. Hawkeye slips him a mickey then to keep him from returning to the front removes his appendix. This was before malpractice suits and HMO’s but there was still that pesky question of ethics. It created a nice debate between Hawkeye and BJ. We did a lot of rewriting on that episode, the cast was happy, we were happy, and they went off to the ranch to make it.

On Friday night David tuned in to the MASH rerun that CBS was airing at 11:45. After watching a few minutes he came upon a horrible discovery – IT WAS THE EXACT SAME SHOW THAT WE WERE FILMING. Identical. Same plotline, same argument. The only difference was it was better (no surprise there – Larry Gelbart vs. us).

We were mortified. I mean, it’s one thing to steal from other shows, but to steal from your own? We looked like a couple of blithering idiots. The amazing thing is that no one on the cast or crew caught it. And a lot of them were there for the original episode.

So that became our Oscar show, not because it was bad but because it was the only original episode of MASH that was also a rerun.

The Oscar nominations

Congratulations to everyone nominated for an Oscar this year.

Here’s how bad I am at predicting Oscar winners. I thought DREAMGIRLS was going to win Best Picture and it wasn’t even nominated.

Diana Ross must’ve been on the nominating committee.

Fantasia is on suicide watch today with Jennifer Hudson being nominated.

Kudos to Will Smith who only does movies he can get nominated in. If Eddie Murphy wins, expect to see Will in DREAMGIRLS 2.

If Eddie Murphy does win don’t expect a repeat with NORBIT.

The “it’s great to be nominated” category this year is Best Actor. Between Leonardo DiCaprio, Peter O’Toole, Will Smith, and Forest Whitaker there must be 20 Oscar losses between them, 15 just for O’Toole.

Speaking of perennial losers – Is this finally the year for Martin Scorsese to win Best Director? He’s the perfect winner too because he’s the only guy who can thank 47 people in under ten seconds.

Mel Gibson may claim APOCALYPTO was denied because of all the Jews in the Academy but he got a Best Make-Up nomination so shut up.

Because of DREAMGIRLS there is real music this year in the music categories. No one in a Lakers jersey will be accepting an Oscar.

BORAT was nominated for Best Adapted Screenplay. By adaptation they mean it was written after they filmed the movie.

Let’s hope there’s never a sequel to UNITED 93.

The ratings for the Oscarcast usually depend on the number of recognizable stars who got nominated. Expect a big rating this year as fans root for their favorite among Djimon Hounsou, Adriana Barraza, Jackie Erle Haley, and Rinko Kikuchi.

I’m not saying they’re not deserving of nominations, I’m just saying remember the days when you could pronounce the nominees?

It used to be to ensure an acting nomination you had to play someone who was physically challenged. Now it’s someone who snorts coke.

Don Cheadle must see all the nominations for BABEL and say, “Hey, what about HOTEL RWANDA? How come we didn’t get all those nominations last year?”

Greg Kinnear must be saying, "Forrest Whittaker and not me???"

Most money wasted on ads for a movie that went nowhere: BOBBY

As everyone is saying, the big surprise was that DREAMGIRLS, with 8 nominations, was not nominated for Best Picture. There always are a few of these oversights, but none more than this year. Here are more very deserving movies and talent were overlooked.

Best Picture:

BUDDHA WILD: MONK IN A HUT
HOW TO EAT FRIED WORMS
JET LI’S: FEARLESS
DA VINCI CODE

Best Actress:

Jordana Brewster in ANNAPOLIS (at 5’ 104 pounds she played a tough Navel Drill Instructor. Think Louis Gossett Jr. in OFFICER AND A GENTLEMAN with perky breasts.)
Sharon Stone in BASIC INSTINCT 2 (best performance from the waist down)
Judi Dench for narrating DOOGAL (is there nothing that woman can’t do?)
Shawnee Smith in SAW 3
Kristin Davis in SHAGGY DOG
Nicole Kidman in FUR (there must still be the backlash from divorcing America’s darling, Tom Cruise)

Best Supporting Actress:

Bitch as “Herself” in SHORTBUS
Cloris Leachman as “Great Gam Gam” in BEERFEST. (I felt sure she’d add to her many Oscars with this one.)

Best Actor:

Will Arnett in LET’S GO TO PRISON
Ray Rivas as “Shabbos Goy” in SHORTBUS

Best Supporting Actor:

Chip Zien as “first guy killed” in UNITED 93. (He laid dead in the aisle the entire movie and never once broke character. That’s concentration!)
Michael Deak as “the monster” in ABOMINABLE. (The tag line should have been Michael Deak WAS Abominable!)

Best original screenplay:
BIG MAMA’S HOUSE 2

Best director:
Barry Sonnenfeld for RV

***********
As always, I will have my bitchy review of the Oscarcast immediately following the ceremony on February 25th. To get you in the mood, here’s last year’s Oscar review. How many of these winners do you even remember?

Ve haf vays of knowing your name

My thoughts on the Oscar nominations coming soon. But first...

If you're ever in Germany, be sure to catch CHEERS.

What I really think of Aaron Sorkin

STUDIO 60 returns with new shows. I hope it does well.

Aaron Sorkin probably doesn’t believe me. He thinks I hate him. He dismissed comments I made in a recent LA TIMES article by saying I wasn’t a “real” comedy writer and was unemployed. I’d like to think that based on my credits and agent that neither is true (although if he found out I did AfterMASH I could see why he might make that claim).

I actually have great respect for Mr. Sorkin. I stopped watching WEST WING when he left because the show just wasn’t as good. Yes, I wrote a parody (If Aaron Sorkin wrote a show about baseball), but I also parodied LOST, 24, and HOUSE and their producers found it amusing.

My criticism of STUDIO 60 was very much in line with everyone else’s – the characters seem too smug, the sketches aren’t funny, Sara Paulson is not convincing as a gifted comedienne – but for whatever reason that article really hit a nerve. (Rumor has it the TIMES is trying to make nice by preparing another article, this one about how people love STUDIO 60.)

The new batch of shows will veer more towards romantic comedy, Sorkin promises. That might work. Often times there are growing pains in the first year as a show tries to find its groove. Watch early episodes of CHEERS. We did a lot of experimenting. Some episodes focused on Sam & Diane, others were more like BARNEY MILLER where our regulars dealt with colorful characters who entered the bar. It took about half a season until the series really found its way (although it was still getting its ass kicked in the ratings by mighty TUCKER'S WITCH).

I do have empathy for Sorkin. It’s not easy creating in a negative environment. I’ve been there. Everything you do is second guessed, the cast starts looking at you like you killed their puppy, your budget gets cut, you're pre-empted for a RUGRATS prime time special, and your health deteriorates faster than that guy who ate nothing but McDonalds for a month. When a show is going well your hair comes out in clumps, so you can imagine when it’s not. But I think he makes it harder on himself by being so defensive. There's no witch hunt. No one is attacking him personally.

There’s another reason to root for Sorkin. Networks and studios are inserting themselves into the creative process now more than ever before. It's like being eaten to death by moths. Very few showrunners enjoy the autonomy that Sorkin has. So if his show is a success, other writers can point to it and say, “See? If you just leave the creator alone he’ll turn out a better show.” If it's not a hit, you're up until 3:00 in the morning upping the stakes and making the actress they forced you to take more likeable.

So when I say I hope he turns it around I’m being absolutely sincere. I don’t hate Aaron Sorkin. I just wish he didn't take himself, his show, and his critics so seriously. This isn't the White House. You can have a few laughs.

In honor of Sundance

Okay, I wasn’t there DURING Sundance. I was there in October.

*******

Here’s a travelogue you thought you’d never see – me in Utah. Along with my partner David, and a third writer, Mr. Scribe, I am writing a spec screenplay. Mr. Scribe has a condo in Park City, Utah and graciously suggested it would be a great place to sequester ourselves and really get some work done. So for four days I was in the land of the Osmonds and Gary Gilmore.

A stewardess was once fired for saying over the PA to passengers “Welcome to Salt Lake City. Please turn your clocks back one hundred years”. Landed in Salt Lake, did just that, then headed up the mountains to Park City, one of America’s premiere posh ski towns. I have never been to any ski towns because I do not ski. I know for many people skiing is an absolute passion but it’s cold, requires a lot of bulky equipment, is costly, and let’s face it: no one ever broke a leg sitting in a movie theatre.

That said, the panoramas were positively breathtaking. I can just see a Park City man coming home from a hard day, stepping out onto his balcony, gazing at the magnificent vista and saying to his wives “Hey, Trixie, Jane, Gloria, you gotta get out here and see this!”

There’s no snow yet so there are no tourists. Mr. Scribe’s condo is part of a gorgeous lodge. You walk down the deserted hallways, past the cavernous vacant dining room, through the expansive empty lobby and realize…

You’re living THE SHINING.

All that’s missing is the maze. But the quiet was most welcomed and allowed us to get a lot of work done on the script. Thought you’d enjoy a preview. Here’s one of many scenes we wrote.

All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.

I think we have a good chance of selling this one.

Took a tour of nearby Deer Valley. Mr. S. pointed out the chair lift pole that an expert skier crashed into splitting open his skull. He also showed us the spot on the road where trucks spin off if there’s a little ice on the ground. Later I learned that skiers on certain runs must carry beacons so if they’re buried in an avalanche they can be found.

Charles Gibson of GOOD MORNING AMERICA owns a huge house on one of the hills. Circular and all in glass and chrome, it looks the Cat in the Hat’s hat. Jeffrey Katzenberg also owns an impressive chalet. So I guess when he’s not in Hawaii taking my lounge chair he’s up here.

Elayne Boosler says this about Utah: “My favorite store here is maternity gowns for Mother of the Bride”.

Many girls in Park City look like pioneer women.

REDRUM. I don’t know why I just wrote that.

David and I walked down Main Street in Park City (picture Knotts Berry Farm for rich people) and got a number of stares. I’m sure we were the first two Jews of the season. Kinda like the first robin of spring. Soon more Jews would follow and it would be ski season.

REDRUM.

Favorite Main Store establishment: Bad Ass Coffee.

Moose sighting. No, wait, that’s just Merlin Olsen.

During the winter, reservations at most restaurants and emergency rooms are recommended.

Park City is the home of the Sundance Film Festival every January. So for two weeks any rustic or quaint charm is completely obliterated as Hollywood agents, deal makers, opportunists, sharks, managers, hucksters, lawyers, carnies, boot lickers, snake oil salesmen, and ACCESS HOLLYWOOD invade the area as if it were their personal Baghdad. But if you’re a skier that’s the time to come because no one is on the slopes. Which begs the question: why not hold the film festival in summer when it’s warm and there’s no skiing anyway?

REDRUM. REDFORD.

During Sundance every theatre screens cutting edge independent films. The other 50 weeks they show DODGEBALL.

Not a lot of Sonny Bono records played on the local radio station here.

There are almost as many SUV’s here as in the parking lot of the Encino Gelson’s.

Events I unfortunately will be missing: “Howl-a-Ween Dog Parade” down Main Street featuring a whole pack of costumed canines. And the “Cowboy Poetry Gathering and Buckaroo Fair”. I’m upset about missing that one because who writes better poetry than Gabby Hayes and Chill Wills? Plus they’re going to have a colt starting clinic.

I can’t afford a place here but my agent has one. Hmmmmm?

It stays dark every morning till eight make Jack a dull boy.
The ski lifts carry nobody make Jack a dull boy.
Most restaurants are closed and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.
All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.