Monday, March 06, 2006

Oscar Review 2006

If I were in Bhutan or Croatia I’d be watching the Oscars live but here in America’s 50th state they’re on a four hour tape delay. So I was going to go on the internet, see who won, then bet all the Hawaiians. Trouble is, none of them gave a shit. Maybe if even one of the Best Picture nominees played here they’d be remotely interested.

Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny? I hope so. Because if they don’t ask him back, next in line is Larry the Cable Guy.

Tom Hanks spoofed longwinded winner speeches but his own two lasted hours. Is there a teacher of his he did not thank?

You were not allowed to dislike any of the Best Film nominees this year. If you didn’t root for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN you’re homophobic, CRASH --you’re a racist, GOOD NIGHT, AND GOOD LUCK -- you’re a right wing Fascist, CAPOTE -- all of the above. And if you didn’t root for MUNICH you’re Jewish.

George Clooney is the classiest man in Hollywood. I admire him so much I no longer want to kill him.

Russell Crowe is the anti-George Clooney.

Let’s face it, Steven Spielberg has become all about Oscar grubbing. He makes a mediocre movie (well, two), whines loud enough when critics and audiences yawn to still get five nominations, and then has the chutzpah to say, “I guess I’m just so proud of the academy for the courage it must have taken to give us the best-picture nomination.” Courage???!!! To kiss up to the 800 pound gorilla? Real courage would have been for the academy to admit this was an overblown Hollywood misfire and nominate WEDDING CRASHERS instead.

Stevie, instead of making two mediocre movies in one year how about making one great movie every two years?

I loved Charlize Theron’s shoulder purse.

Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.

Philip Seymour Hoffman has deserved an Oscar since BOOGIE NIGHTS.

Did you notice that everyone thanked their mother this year?

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.

Rachel McAdams is a star in training – she hosted the technical awards. Next year maybe she can present the short subject animation award.

When they introduce Tom Hanks why don’t they play the theme from VOLUNTEERS?

KING KONG was a technical triumph. But maybe they should have devoted five less minutes to the effects and focused on the story. Case in point (one of MANY): this film crew goes to a remote island, discovers DINASOURS and brings back a big ape instead. Huh????

Kelly Clarkson? Did you see Dolly Parton? That’s you in thirty years.

They should have run the M&M collagen commercial before the Dolly Parton number.

The set was Maestros without the steaks.

I was hoping the movie about strippers won Best Costumes.

Sandra Bullock’s gown had pockets. And I thought I saw a Snickers in one.

Every year some beautiful woman looks like a raccoon. This year it was Kiera Knightley. Just roll out of bed and show up! Trust me, you’ll still be the prettiest girl in the room.

My vote for best supporting actor: the guy who played Joseph McCarthy in GOOD NIGHT AND GOOD LUCK. He was uncanny!!

When Felicity Huffman lost Teri Hatcher cheered so loud I could hear her across the Pacific Ocean. C’mon, Teri, you had your chance in FORD FAIRLANE.

Jennifer Aniston was there to remind everybody she’s still in movies. See you next year at the Emmys.

William Hurt’s Oscar nomination means he won’t have to guest star again on KING OF QUEENS.

Mazol tov to winner Rachel Weisz. Even seven months pregnant, she looked better than 90% of the women.

Yeah Jennifer Garner is nursing.

Michelle Williams came as Big Bird.

I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein.

And then it won. I’m amazed it did and even more amazed that no one in Three 6 Mafia said “motherfucker” in their acceptance speech?

It was painful and heartbreaking watching Lauren Becall.

But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.

Matt Dillon’s nomination was a make up for his work last year in HERBIE: FULLY LOADED.

Reese Witherspoon is the new Julia Roberts. In ten years she’ll be the new Meryl Streep and in twenty the new Joanne Woodward.

I miss Randy Thomas as the announcer. Chris Rock was the problem last year not Randy.

Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO.

Salma Hayek looked gorgeous but is a terrible presenter. She even had trouble pronouncing the Hispanic names.

I don’t feel bad that Judi Densch lost. You know she’ll be nominated again next year…even if the only role she plays is M in the new James Bond film.

Leave it to a writer to show up in jeans.

How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?

Okay, we get it. Hollywood wants us to see movies in the theatre and not on DVD’s. Make better movies. We’ll pay to see them. Otherwise, it’s Netflix.

I don’t care that Jessica Alba has never been in a movie I’ve seen, I love her.

CRASH over BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN? Wow. That was a stunner. Now comes the real fun – the lawsuit among producers over which of them are entitled to the Oscar. Wonder if there will be name calling and racial slurs.

Interesting that the Best Picture of the Year has more coincidences than the Junior Mints episode of SEINFELD.

But I was rooting for them.

In fact, since I’m not a racist, homophobic, or a right wing Fascist I was hoping all FIVE would win. Okay, not MUNICH.

Time to order a Jessica Alba movie on Netflix.

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Start with Sin City.

rorybaldwin said...

Or the one where she is in a bikini the whole time.

I enjoyed the oscars, even if it meant staying up till 5am over here. Thought it was a little slicker than last year. Ed murrow should go after the guy who cuts speakers off midsentence. Time, schmime, it's plain rude.

doggans said...

//Did I like Jon Stewart because I like Jon Stewart? Or was he really good and fresh and funny?//

Probably a mixture of both. He was the best thing to happen to the Academy Awards since the invention of the film projector. Unfortunately, what with all his satirical attacks on Hollywood (and his justly deserved constant mocking of the best song winner), I doubt they'll have him back anytime soon.

//Hilary Swank came as the Corpse Bride.//

But at least she didn't look as masculine as usual.

//I heard “It’s Hard Out Here for a Pimp” and didn’t know whether it was a Best Song nominee or an academy tribute to Harvey Weinstein. //

Heh, nice. Stewart's "Scorsese, zero Oscars..." line was brilliant.

//But not nearly as excruciating as having to sit through Meryl Streep & Lily Tomlin’s endless introduction to Robert Altman.//

I don't know, it did drag a bit, but I thought it was rather appropriate for Altman.

//How could SYRIANA, the most confusing movie in history get a best screenplay nomination?//

Because confusing = profound.

Anonymous said...

Ken

Jon Stewart said Walk the Line is Ray with White People.

You wrote it here once...Didn't you?

Mark

Bill Peschel said...

"Sid Ganis, the President of the Academy, gave an impassioned speech on storytelling and the need for Hollywood to strive for excellence. Mr. Ganis is the producer of DEUCE BIGELOW: MALE GIGOLO."

Everything one needs to know about Hollywood in two sentences.

Jason Looney said...

Since I knew you would have the Oscars covered, I chose to focus instead on The First Annual Ryan Seacrest Oscar Party (on E!).

Cheers.

Tom Qugley said...

I imagine the Religious Right was holding its breath all the way to the end, waiting to hear who won for Best Picture... And I could almost sense the “Praise God!” tears of joy that were shed when “Crash” was announced, just for them to know that a film about two gay cowboys had lost out to a movie dealing with crime, violence, hatred and bigotry... Gore Vidal must have been disappointed, though… I would imagine that he felt that if “Brokeback” had won it would have been somewhat of a vindication for his claim -- and to this day he still goes around telling anyone who will listen -- that similarly to "Brokeback Mountain," his studio-assigned re-write of Karl Tunberg’s “Ben-Hur” script introduced a homosexual subtext to the relationship between Ben-Hur and Messala, thereby turning “Ben-Hur” into Ben-Gay”… William Wyler and Charlton Heston always denied that this was the case, and Wyler even brought in a third writer to do another re-write, but Vidal will probably go to his grave claiming otherwise ... Makes for some interesting speculation, though… If Vidal’s version had actually made it all the way to the screen, I imagine the most memorable line of dialogue in the whole movie would have been something like “Thanks to you, all we got is that sermon on the Brokeback mount!”….

Hey, Ken, I hope you TiVO’d KTLA’s coverage of the Red Carpet so we could get your take on what mindless, inane questions Sam Rubin was asking this year….

The Moviequill said...

I read Spielberg's lips when the camera flashed to him during Ben Stiller's hilarious 'green suit' thing, he mouthed 'who is this guy?'.. it's true, I saw it

Anonymous said...

Ken, I agree with you 100 percent about Speilberg (though I *am* Jewish). However, I felt the same way about George Clooney raking up the accolades about bravely standing up and making a movie that asserted... exactly what 95 percent of the people who he works with/for/next to believe, then kissing up to them in his speech by praising their brave stand and liberalness.

Alina

Boltron said...

The most interesting new Oscar trend: for the second year in a row, the winner of the Best Animated Feature was better than the actual Best Picture winner.

Though I admit I was shocked during the scene where Wallace tells Gromit he'd love a bit of Wensleydale, and then the two of them jack the cheese truck.

Rob Gregory Browne said...

Syriana confusing? Don't know what movie YOU watched.

Tomlin and Streep were hilarious.

Hilary Swank looked pretty damn good from where I sat. Ditto Jessica Alba.

Spielberg's two so-so films? Thought they were both better than most.

I would have given Best Picture to Syriana, but Crash was a good second.

Brokeback, however, should not even have been in the lineup. I don't have an issue with the gender of the couple, but it just wasn't a very good love story, period.

doggans said...

//I read Spielberg's lips when the camera flashed to him during Ben Stiller's hilarious 'green suit' thing, he mouthed 'who is this guy?'..//

To me it looked like he mouthed "No it's not" (in response to Stiller's "This is blowing Spielberg's mind!").

Josie said...

I thought he mouthed, "Get lost"

Cap'n Bob Napier said...

doggans is correct. Perhaps they caught him mouthing more than once and the other fellow/gal are also correct.

How about that endless speech by Reese Witherspoon? When she started thanking her grandmother all I could think of was that I hoped she didn't have a large family.

Keira Knightly's nomination was a joke. Her performance was godawful for the first half of the film, and not strong enough in the second half to wipe out the memory of what she did in the first half. However, I'd marry her right now.

XianE said...

The bikini Jessica Alba movie is "Into The Blue" - she plays Jessica Alba in a bikini. And that's fine.

But these Oscars - gawdawful. Apparently John Stewart has a newborn. It showed. He was slow and flat if you ask me. Maybe two decent jokes all night.

Best song is about how tough it is to be a pimp? Maybe my prudery is showing, but was it really the best song? Did anyone actually listen to it? And when the presenters made jokes about old winning songs that have Beavis&Butthead style double entendre names, well, all those songs were completely innocent. At least it wasn't That Elton John Song. I guess that's something.

But hey, hopefully after two solid years of stroking them certain vocal factions will be assuaged.

Also, I didn't like the swelling music and short speeches. I LIKE to complain about the speeches, sometimes that's all the Oscars give you. With short speeches this year they gave nothing at all.

Finally - the nearly ubiquitous necktie tuxedo is repugnant. Going to the Oscars as a Resevoir Dog is lame, forced and laughable. Why not wear a suit? Why not Business Casual?

To me, the point of the Oscars, if there is one besides self congratualtion, is to link the films of today to a great and continuous tradition whether they deserve it or not.

Part of that tradition is showing up in more or less classic formal wear. I hope this fad wears thin soon, but at least one day it will be funny to look at the early 00s men with their dorky neckties.

shecanfilmit said...

Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams both lost so their marriage should be okay for another year.

I suspect you're so right about this one.

branfordbob said...

I lost it when Salma Hayek was talking about the "Oscar (Mayer) Wieners" a/k/a Oscar winners. You're right, she had just as much trouble with the Hispanic names...I had no idea who had won the award she presented until they moved and the rest of the nominees didn't!

Also...I liked Jon Stewart. Hosting that show is a very tough balancing act, and I thought he handled himself quite well.

jeanne_bean said...

I cringed while Lauren Bacall was speaking. I kept hoping someone would enlarge the font size on the teleprompter for her.

And it annoyed me that the orchestra cut off people's speeches. I thought it was in terribly bad taste if two people won, for only one be able to speak. Would it have killed them to allow each person up to 20 or 30 seconds to thank whomever they wanted??

reid said...

It's now 2007, and lo and behold Ken was right! He said he didn't feel bad for Judi Dench because she'll get a nomination next year. Well, guess who you can find in the Best Actress catagory this morning!