One of those great Hollywood stories

Looking forward to the Sitcom Room seminar this weekend. It’s for would-be writers not looking for short cuts. As opposed to this story:

I was a Story Editor on MASH and was invited to speak to a sitcom writing class at UCLA along with my friend Larry, who at the time was a Story Editor on RHODA. We talked about how to break into the business – the importance of writing great spec scripts. Do’s and don’ts (a lot of which I’ll be discussing this weekend although writing a spec BARNEY MILLER is no longer a “do”.)

We stressed the need for hard work, really studying the shows, setting high standards for yourself. That was the path to a script assignment for one of our shows.

A friend of mine was in the class and overheard the following:

Two coeds talking. Near the end of our discussion one turned to the other.

COED #1: So what do you think, Ken or Larry?

COED #2 (after some consideration): I’ll fuck Larry. I’d rather get a RHODA.

Postscript: Neither of us got lucky that night. And she never got a RHODA. But it was nice to know the students really were taking our career advice seriously.

Dressing like Captain Kirk

Here's another taste of my growing up in the 60s in LA book. Some friends have said, "Why are you posting this? No one will buy a book if they can read it for free?" Well, I'm not sure anyone will buy this book anyway, but what I'm sharing are just small snippets. There's another 90%. Or at least there will be when I finish writing it. Anyway...

January 1967

Historians claim 1967 was a year of growing polarization. The Hippies vs. the Establishment. Hawks vs. Doves. Long hair vs. short hair. But every year was a year of polarization. Those merely joined the list of: Jocks vs. Me. Scholars vs. Me. Musicians vs. Me. Goyim vs. Me. Guys Who Could Get Girlfriends vs. Me.

My wardrobe was starting to change. I wore jeans (when I wasn’t at school or at work so four hours a week). I recall having a gold velour long sleeve shirt for some ungodly reason. Did I want to look like Captain Kirk? Add to the list: Me vs. Me.

The very first Superbowl took place in Los Angeles in January. It didn’t have a Roman Numeral because no one was certain there’d be a Superbowl II. Both CBS and NBC carried it.

Except it was blacked out in L.A. The 100,000 seat Coliseum wasn’t close to selling out. The Superbowl is a major event today but back then it was more of a novelty. The established NFL was far superior to the upstart AFL. It was like when John Ratzenberger was invited to compete in DANCING WITH THE STARS. The mighty Vince Lombardi led Green Bay Packers easily defeated the Kansas City Chiefs 35-10.

But people in Southern California were pissed that access to the telecast was blocked. There were articles in the paper showing how you could string wire hangers together and create antennas strong enough to receive the signal from San Diego. There were probably more deaths that year in Los Angeles from idiots falling off of roofs than car accidents.

I did get to see the game. We visited my grandfather who was in the Veteran’s Hospital in West Los Angeles and somehow they were provided a feed. So me, my little brother, and fifty of the scariest old men you’ve ever seen in ratty blue bathrobes on crutches toting portable oxygen tanks sat in the dayroom and watched one black-and-white TV. I’m proud to say I attended the first ever Superbowl Party.

I can also say I was the first person at Taft (or anywhere where white people lived in the Valley) to discover Wolfman Jack. One night I was tuning around my radio looking for distant signals and came upon this eerie station from Mexico. The music was all hard R&B and Blues and the disc jockey had this macabre otherworldly voice drenched in echo. He called himself the Wolfman and was broadcasting on the “Big X” – XERB. His only sponsor was something called “Mr. Satisfy”, a bottle of pills you could send away to Tijuana for that was guaranteed to give you guys “staying power” in the sack. This was quite a contrast to Dippity-Do hair gel being hawked on KHJ. What I loved most about the Wolfman was how subversive he was, how utterly non mainstream. A few years later he’s starring in George Lucas movies, trading Muddy Waters songs for Bobby Vee oldies on a syndicated radio show, hosting network dance parties, and emceeing shows at Knott’s Berry Farm.

Add to our list: The deeply committed vs. the sell-outs.

At least in the early part of 1967 the deeply committed were still holding strong though.

For the moment.

Boomers may deny it but who’re we kidding? At some point within the next few years the huge majority of us succumbed in some way or another to our own personal “Knott’s Berry Farm”.

The Cartoon IQ Test

From the recent issue of THE NEW YORKER magazine.

It's from their cartoon issue. They have a feature called "the Cartoon IQ Test" I DON'T GET IT.

What it is is a good lesson in what NOT to do when writing a joke. If a punch line is vague it's a bad joke. I feature two of their examples. And here's the key. Even once you know the actual captions these jokes are still not funny.

Audiences have to follow. If they're groping around trying to get what you're going for, you're dead. And trust me, they won't grope for long. No one wants to put in a lot of effort when it comes to a joke. It's clear, you get it, you laugh. It's not clear, you don't bother.

The first example is some sort of metaphor but that's a big leap. In the second one you have no idea what those puddles are. If they are blood he's lost about a pint already. If the puddles are oil then why does a bicycle need to carry that much oil?

I get the sense that this feature is designed to put the blame on you for not getting the jokes. After all, it is the New Yorker, and if you don't get the jokes then you're obviously just not smart enough. But it's not your fault. It's the writer's. These jokes are not "ahead of their time". They're poorly constructed.

This is the kind of stuff we'll deal with this weekend in The Sitcom Room. Looking forward to meeting you attendees.

Anyway, here's the explanation and two examples from the feature:

I Don’t Get It On occasion, we publish a cartoon so ahead of its time that it boggles the mind, making us reconsider the very essence of comedy itself. We present here five of these confusing cartoons, along with their intended meanings. But watch out—each cartoon is accompanied by three unintended meanings. See if you can determine the real one, or just sigh, give up, and check the answers below.

1

1.
The caption is: "Marsha!"

A. The plug is shocked to see someone using a Type A socket with no ground slot, thus increasing the chances of an electrical fire.

B. “Marsha!,” like our “23 skiddoo,” is a hilarious catchphrase that all the kids are saying today.

C. A talking electrical plug? Now, that’s just plain goofy!

D. Using a metaphor, this cartoon shows how funny it is that human sexual intercourse can often feel as cold and mechanical as the transfer of A.C. electricity from a socket to a plug.

2

2.
The caption is: "Maybe you shouldn't try to shave on the way to work."

A. The biker is upset because he has shaved off his prized goatee.

B. The biker accidentally nicked his bike’s oil reserve while shaving.

C. The biker has attempted to multitask by shaving while riding his bicycle to work, and the result is facial lacerations and comical amounts of blood loss.

D. As the old saying goes, “Shave on the way to work, you're a Grade A jerk.”

The answers are D and C.

P.S.
Me again. In reference to some of the commenters: I don't mean to suggest that all New Yorker cartoons aren't funny. Quite the opposite. For the most part I think they are. In fact, I think they have a very high batting average. And trust me, I am NOT an intellectual. I'm just reacting to this feature. When I read it I thought, "Oooh, what a good learning tool." However, I FULLY agree that the winning entries of their weekly caption contest are usually lame.

What will become of the kids on MAD MEN?

The MAD MEN third season finale airs Sunday night. Another great year. As usual, there’s been a lot of speculation as to what’s going to happen. Will the Drapers split up? Will the Sterlings split up? Will the Campbells split up? Will the Harris’ split up? Will Sterling-Cooper split up? Will the Beatles split up?

But no one seems to speculate on Don & Betty’s kids. So let me be the first. This is how I envision their children will turn out.

SALLY DRAPER – Will reject everything her mother is and stands for. Lives for the day she can put her in a home. Attends Northwestern University in the early 70s and adopts the “Carole King” look – jeans, peasant blouse, long frizzy hair. Infuriates her mother by dating a Black Panther and then really sends her over the side by dating a Jew. She gets back at her dad too by sleeping with Roger and Pete. Develops commitment issues and prefers the company of married men. Sally finds herself the subject of tabloids when Nelson Rockefeller dies between her legs.

BOBBY DRAPER – Will always remain close with his sister. She’s the only person who didn’t completely ignore him. (How ignored was he? Three different actors have now played the part. Did you even notice?) Is freebasing by the time he’s 16, an alcoholic by 17, and a sex change operation by 18, where he changes his name to Sally.

GENE DRAPER – Joins the Army, becomes an Adjutant General, discovers his father’s shady military past, and sends him to Leavenworth for twenty years.

What to you think???

The night our warm-up guy turned on the audience

Tuesday was election day (I learned on Wednesday). I am reminded of the election episode my partner, David and I wrote for the TONY RANDALL SHOW.

I’ll pause for a moment while you say “what the hell was the TONY RANDALL SHOW?" It was an MTM series in the late 70’s starring the late Tony Randall as a judge in Philadelphia. It’ll probably never be shown again but it was a damn funny show. Below is the opening and closing title sequences. (It's amazing we had any time to actually do the show, the opening titles were so friggin' long.)

In this particular episode, Tony’s character runs for Superior Court Judge, his opponent dies during the election but too late for his name to be removed from the ballot. Lo and behold, he wins. Tony was beaten by a dead man. The show played great all week with hardly any changes. We were expecting great things.

And then on show night, in front of the audience – death, nothing, tumbleweeds, crickets.

Needless to say, we were stymied.

One of the executive producers was doing the warm-up, and was so mad he turned on the audience. (It didn’t help that the entire staff was drinking frozen margaritas in the prop room between scenes).

He started saying things like, “Hey, I think your hearse is waiting”, “Hey, wasn’t that moderately amusing?”, and the tag was Tony entering his office which was now completely empty (his furniture moved in anticipation of the certain victory) to which the warm-up man shouted at the audience, “Get it?! What’s different about that room? Anybody?”

It was only after the crowd filed out that we learned the truth. The entire audience was Hispanic, bussed in, and spoke no English.

Remember all the bad things I said about the laugh track? We sure used it that week.

How do we determine screen credits?

Welcome to Friday question day. If you have one the comments section beckons.

gottacook asks:

Ken, since you've been on an arbitration committee, could you perhaps write a little about the process when a credit is contested? Just in a general sense, without mention of any specific movie or TV script?

First off the arbitration process offers great protection to writers. It prevents directors and producers and producers' mistresses from just slapping their names on scripts. To get screen credit you need to earn it.

This is a topic that could fill a book but here’s just the brief overview.

When more than one writer is attached to a project it is up to an arbitration committee to assign credit. WGA members are asked to volunteer their time to serve on these committees. Three arbiters are assigned to each case and at least two of the three will have already done at least two arbitrations. I've probably done ten or fifteen.

If you agree to participate in an arbitration you are sent a packet with whatever pertinent material there is. You never know the identity of the writers. They are referred to as Writer A, Writer B, and so on. If there are two writers you might receive two outlines and two or three drafts. But it could get more complicated. For the movie THE FLINTSTONES there were a ton of writers (maybe as many as twenty). The poor arbitrators were given boxes of scripts. Imagine reading twenty different Flintstones screenplays. I’m getting the vapors just thinking about it.

Along with the scripts, outlines, etc. each writer includes a statement pleading his or her (or their) case. These can be very impassioned. "I sacrificed a kidney so I could more accurately portray what this character was going through", etc.

You are also given the Television Credits Manual. This is your bible. Based on these guidelines you make your decision. It spells out exactly what is considered a teleplay, story, television story (not the same thing), and source material. There is criteria for narration, dialogue, characters, story construction and what constitutes significant changes. Sound complicated? It can be at times. There are consultants on call to help you clarify things.

Another factor -- you must make your determination based SOLELY on the Television Credits Manual. You can’t go by the quality of the work. Just because Writer B’s script is better and funnier doesn’t necessarily mean he deserves to share credit with Writer A.

And the complications continue. You may be arbitrating a pilot. Several writers might have drafts and specific takes on the material. And then there may be source material – adaptations of movies, mini-series, spin-offs. Is a writer entitled to “created by” credit or “developed by” credit? The royalties are different for both.

The arbiter makes his determination then drafts a statement explaining his decision.

The writers involved do have opportunities to appeal but that’s for another post.

Needless to say it’s a subjective process and there are problems and inequities in the system but it’s still the best determination of credits we have. If someone dreams up a better method we’re all ears.

From Stephen:

With studios releasing what seems like every short-lived or classic television to series, and fans practically badgering these studios for more bonus features, i.e. Audio commentaries, are there any shows you have worked on that you would have liked to have done an audio commentary for? I imagine you would have had fun discussing one of the many "Bar Wars" episodes on Cheers.

I guess this blog is sort of my own personal audio track. Yes, it would be fun to share those stories. I have done commentary for our SIMPSONS episodes. It’s a bizarre process. They just screen the episode and you offer drive-by reflections and stories. The show ends, you go home.

What I’d really like to see is ALMOST PERFECT starring Nancy Travis come out on DVD. We did 34 episodes, more than enough for a DVD. It kills me that it isn’t available and yet you can buy every season of the DORIS DAY SHOW. Who the fuck is looking to buy the complete set of DORIS DAY SHOWS? You can see some of the ALMOST PERFECT episodes on YouTube.

And finally, from Daniel Solzman:

With regards to keeping a sitcom on the air, which has a larger role--ratings, critical acclaim, or awards?

RATINGS!! RATINGS!!! RATINGS!! You can win the Emmy for Best Comedy and still be cancelled if the numbers aren’t there. Just ask ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

Again, because I’m not sure I was clear enough – RATINGS!!!

The new Hollywood is Santa Clarita!

Hooray for Santa Clarita
That screwy, ballyhooey Santa Clarita
...Go out and try your luck,
You might be Donald Duck
Hooray for Santa Clarita

The Walt Disney Company last week announced that it would build a 56-acre production facility in Santa Clarita, which is in the middle of nowhere on the way to Bakersfield. The reason is simple – to cut down on runaway production costs.

When you hear “Santa Clarita” in the news or read about it in the papers it’s usually accompanied by the word “evacuations”. Until now, brush fires have been its claim to fame.

But soon it will be the show business capital of the world!

There are already shows that film out there. All of the CSI’s and NCIS’s, BIG LOVE, and several Fox Family Channel sitcoms. 24 as well, which is perfect for Jack Bauer since Santa Clarita is also the home of the NYX Sleep Disorder Center.

This is all part of the mass exodus from Hollywood due to skyrocketing production costs and tax demands. Shows that once were housed in major studios are now being filmed in New Mexico, Connecticut, and to prove how nuts things are – ABC moved UGLY BETTY from LA to New York. New York is cheaper???

Meanwhile, Paramount Studios is practically a ghost town today.

The once proud Hollywood Lane Parade will soon become the daily commute on the 405 and 5 freeways. I predict that one month after Disney opens their new Santa Clarita studio 80% of its employees will be in traffic school to get their speeding tickets erased from their record.

Lots of folks will be inconvenienced but hey, they still have jobs. It’s the non-industry people who my heart goes out to.

For example: Starline Tour guides. This can’t be easy for them. Instead of saying, “This was where Clark Gable kissed Vivien Leigh in GONE WITH THE WIND”, they’ll now have to say, “This is the warehouse where for years most of the country’s tampons were stored.” It’s just not the same. Not to mention the extra hour driving time to get to that warehouse. And what do they fill with along the way? “If you look to your right, just past the Roscoe exit, you can see the Chevron station where Chloe Sevigny took her car when it once overheated.”

In theory, these new studios mean more room to stretch out. But even with all the acres of extra space you know there still won’t be sufficient parking for writers. They’ll have to leave their cars at the Home Depot and take the shuttle.

But if there is a silver lining to all this production moving to where Moses left his sandals it’s that show runners might receive a little less interference. Network and studio execs tend not to go to places they can’t find.

Still, it’s a little sad. The end of an era. There was always a certain aura and mystique about Hollywood. It’s where they made the “magic” and it was special. The Dream Factory was never adjacent to the glue factory. Alas, in a few years, “Tinsel Town” will be changed to just “Tin Town”.

Hooray indeed.

How I spent my endless summer vacation

Oh no! A baseball post! Don't worry. It's really a humor piece disguised as a sports article disguised as something worth reading. The HuffingtonPost is starting a Sports section and asked me to write something for their inaugural run. Thought I'd share it with you first. Really, it's safe.

It’s hard to believe the World Series is wrapping up. The baseball season is so very short. It has been my pleasure this year to co-host Dodger Talk with Josh Suchon after every game on Talkradio 790 KABC. I kept a journal so I wouldn’t forget all the unforgettable moments. This may differ from the “official” season-in-revue but they miss the really important things.

February 24 – Arrive in Phoenix for Spring Training. Got a great deal on the rental car. Only $49 a day! But with state tax, airport concession fees, stadium tax, airport surcharge, and city tax it comes to $250 a day.

March 12 – Dodgers beat Team Korea. There were more recognizable players on the Korean team.

March 13 – Manny Ramirez re-signs with the Dodgers for $45 million. Immediately pulls a hamstring.

March 14 – I do play-by-play on the Dodgers-Brewers game. My Valentino Pascucci home run call is one for the ages. Plans are made for Pascucciwood section of Dodger Stadium.

April 4 – Valentino Pascucci sent to the minors.

April 6 – Travel to San Diego for opening day. Padres celebrate their 40th anniversary with highlight film of the team’s rich history. It lasts all of two minutes. This is actually not a joke.

April 13 – The home opener. All the local radio and TV sportscasters are there. I never see half of them again. Dodgers crush the Giants 11-1. Orlando Hudson hits for the cycle, prompting several of these noted sportscasters to say, “Orlando Hudson is with the Dodgers?”

May 4 – It’s Dodger magnetic calendar/Heimlich Maneuver chart night – just one of many great giveaways this season.

May 6 – The Dodgers win their record-setting 13th home game in a row. Nothing can stop them now!

May 7 – Manny Ramirez is suspended 50 games for failing a drug test. He took one of the few female fertility drugs not approved by Major League Baseball. Dodgers jump out to a 6-0 lead against Washington in the first inning. Everyone says they’re making a statement. Not sure what that statement is because they lose 11-9.

May 12 – Head groundskeeper bobblehead night. The Dodgers beat New York 3-2 moments after they were trailing 3-2. Mets’ third baseman Ryan Church failed to touch third and instead of scoring a run is called out. The Mets commit 5 errors. But only 4 are costly.

May 22 – Every Friday is Fireworks night at Dodger Stadium. This week’s stirring patriotic theme: the music of the Louisiana Purchase.

May 23 – The Dodgers triumph 5-3 over the Angels. It’s a rare opportunity for Dodger fans to join the rest of the world in chanting “Beat L.A.”

May 28 – The Dodgers sweep the Rockies in Colorado. Juan Pierre, filling in for Manny Remorseful is hitting about .400. And this is without any “help”. Dodger fans are relieved to learn Pierre has no plans to start a family.

June 2 – Dodger fleece straightjacket night proves to be a big draw as they beat somebody 6-5.

June 13 – Interleague play finds the boys taking on their arch-rivals, the Texas Rangers in Arlington. Josh and I do two hours of mid-game “Dodger Light Malfunction Talk” as one of the light towers goes out and the Rangers have to call around for an electrician who (a) will work on a Saturday night, (b) isn’t already hammered, and (c) will accept payment in Rangers tickets.

June 26 – Another big Fireworks Night. The Dodgers beat the Mariners 8-2 and the big crowd sticks around for spectacular pyrotechnics set to the music of Bjork.

July 3 – Travel with team to San Diego/New York/Milwaukee to cover the return of Manny Ramirez. In press conference he drops bombshell by revealing: “God is good and good is God”.

July 4 – As patriotic gesture and ploy to sell more MLB merchandise, all teams asked to wear red caps. The Cardinals and Phillies refuse.

July 7 – In New York, ESPN’s Erin Andrews hit with a foul ball.

July 11 – More big stars news: Ernest Borgnine throws out the first pitch in Milwaukee.

July 12 – Infielder Blake DeWitt sent down to Albuquerque… for the sixth time this season. Passes himself in the airport.

July 14 – All-Star Game. The National League loses for the 67th straight year. President Obama throws out the first pitch. Ernest Borgnine has a better arm. Erin Andrews attends unharmed.

July 16 – The second half begins with Manny’s return to Dodger Stadium. Receives a warm reception. Juan Pierre gets standing ovation. Giveaway: Dodger eyeglass cleaning cloth night.

July 17 – Fireworks Night: A musical salute to the SAW film franchise.

July 22 – Manny Ramirez (now in his second trimester) socks pinch-hit grand slam against Cincinnati on Manny Ramirez bobblehead night. Juan Pierre gets standing ovation.

July 25 – The annual Hollywood Stars game (pictured above). Got to emcee it. Interviewed the lead singer of Good Charlotte and asked how it was to be the lead singer of Creed? A gentle reminder that I’m 200 years old.

August 4 -- Milwaukee Brewer Prince Fielder tries to break into the Dodger clubhouse to beat the crap out of pitcher Guillermo Mota. Security guard alertly recognizes he is not a county census taker and denies entrance.

August 18 – the frozen yogurt machine in the press lounge is on the fritz. Didn’t record whether the Dodgers won or lost. Too upset.

August 23 -- The annual media game. For the first time in six years Fox Sports’ Ben Maller doesn’t wind up in ICU. I do the play-by-play for KABC. It’s the nadir of my sportscasting career.

August 31 – Major brush fires in Los Angeles. Dodgers lose 5-3 to Arizona. Matt Kemp seemingly hits a home run but the ball flies right into the teeth of the soot and stays in the park.

September 12 – Join team in San Francisco. Giants have giveaway: Map of LA that show O.J. Simpson’s house, the Bronco route, Phil Spector’s house, streets to avoid when Halle Berry is driving, the site of the Rodney King incident, and the Spahn Ranch.

September 13 – Blake DeWitt called up for the ninth time.

September 14 – Blake DeWitt flies back to Albuquerque just out of habit.

September 15 – Andre Either hits 4th walk-off homer of the season but the Elias Sports Bureau won’t recognize it because it was hit against the Pirates.

October 3 – Crowd is very loud. I question the wisdom of Dodger Leaf Blower Day. Team snaps 5 game losing streak to clinch the Division title.

October 10 – In St. Louis for celebration as Dodgers sweep Cardinals in the NLDS. There’s no trophy because well...they haven’t actually won anything.

October 21– Worse than the yogurt machine going out -- Dodgers lose the pennant to the Philadelphia Phillies. Long flight home. Players so upset not one spends $200,000 on items from the Sky Mall.

And that’s it for 2009. Great times, great memories, and great team (except at the end). Thanks to the Dodgers and KABC for a terrific year. Next season will be here before you know it. Pitchers and catchers due in February. Manny Ramirez due in January.

But wait! There's MORE!

Here are a few follow-ups to some recent posts.

I ranted that certain actresses just keep getting part after part. One I cited was Kim Raver, who was in 24 and 52 other series. Here she is pictured above starring in three at once. I see that she’s just joined the cast of GREY’S ANATOMY. Seriously. How many network presidents did she pull from burning buildings?

The two most viewed posts from the archives: The Traci Lords Family Show and HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD. Combine them and I think you have the next great reality show. Although I imagine the network would replace Traci Lords with Kim Raver.

On my rant about Social Network Rejection, my daughter/pig lover, Annie reminded me of another indignity. You’ve befriended someone. Unbeknown to you they’ve un-friended you. And then they pop up as a “Suggestion of someone you might know”. Ouch!

Remember way back in March that Phillip Seymour Hoffman movie I was so geeked up to see that was supposed to open in June? And then August? And then September? It’s finally opening next week. I guess the studio thought it was so good it ultimately wanted to move it closer to Veteran's Day.

HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD looks like it’s getting picked up for a second season. This time it might be set in Austin. New title? HOUSE HUSBANDS OF HOLLYWOOD WHO COULDN’T FIND WORK SO THEY SOLD THEIR HOUSE, MOVED TO AUSTIN AND HAVE ENOUGH MONEY TO BUY A BIGGER HOUSE AND LIVE COMFORTABLY ON THE ALIMONY THEY SOON WILL BE GETTING.

Earl Pomerantz is recovering nicely. He greatly appreciates your good wishes.

I did a piece complaining about Time-Warner Cable’s customer service. Recently I received this comment. The coward who wrote it didn’t leave a name (of course). But I guess we have to assume that he’s a Time-Warner Cable employee. Here’s what he writes.

It's called job security you freaking idiots! We (technicians) don't fix your problems all the time because if we fixed all the problems, we wouldn't have jobs.

Plus, most of the trouble calls I go to are people who don't know how to use a freaking remote control, or just want a extra one.

If you actually READ the information that we give you, it tells you how to operate the darn box. If you "never received the information kit", go to the mall and pick it up.

No, do not make an appointment to change your box. That is why you have your service centers (The mall). Everytime someone asks me to change the box, I tell them to go to the mall. They always get upset because now they actually have to DO something. Oh my gosh! Poor you!

Before you ask for a HD box, at least know what HD is, and don't ask for one just because your friend has one.

You people are freaking morons, yeah... "YOU PEOPLE".

Hey, Time-Warner, is this the kind of attitude your support staff has or is he just a giant asshole?

Teacup Pigs

It seems the new rage in domestic pets is pigs –- teacups pigs to be exact (although not really exact because they’re only the size of teacups when they’re born. They grow to be teahouse pigs.). They’re clean, odor-free, very little shedding, won’t destroy your house (always a plus), affectionate, loyal, and won’t bark. Very few burglars are scared off by “oink oink” but what idiot gets a pig for security anyway?

They live to be about fifteen or twenty years and they can be trained to do things like ride skateboards and play golf so they’re perfect for bringing into bars. And if you’re really a sick individual you can teach it to walk around with an apple in its mouth.

Just like a dog they need exercise. You take them for walks on a leash. Think of how much better the Diane Lane movie would have been had it been called MEN WHO LOVE PIGS.

There are downsides to owning a teacup pig. Finding a kennel may be a major challenge. Very few have sties. Getting your folks to pig sit may take some arm-twisting. And apparently they have trouble negotiating stairs. Hitting a golf ball farther than Greg Norman is no problem but two steps between the foyer and living room is a major gadilla.

The big problem is they eat like, well… pigs. Meat, vegetables, Hostess anythings, dog food, even Popeye’s Chicken – you name it, they’ll gulp it. So you have to be careful to limit their consumption otherwise your cute little domestic pet will use your Chihuahua for dental floss.

My daughter, Annie would like a teacup pig. And she’s enlisting your help.

I am currently accepting donations to "Annie Levine's Teacup Pig Foundation." I promise to take good care of the little oinker. I'll walk him, cuddle with him, take him to the market, feed him roast beef, and take him "wee wee wee" all the way home. I'm currently deciding between naming him "Kosher" and "Traif," and would also like your opinion on the matter. Here are some reasons why I should own a micro pig:

1) They're adorable
2) I won't have the biggest nose on my block
3) We'll be Best Boars Forever
4) My dad would get a grand-pig
5) I heard George Clooney has one

How could you need more reason than that?

Love,
Annie

Hey, who stole my flamingo?!

Or...my favorite pitch meeting ever.
In 1978 my partner, David Isaacs and I were head writers of MASH. That fall we also signed on to write a pilot for CBS. Our producer was Allan Carr (pictured above). He was this rather flamboyant character famous for throwing lavish parties in the “King Tut Disco” in his home, producing such films as SATURDAY NIGHT FEVER and GREASE, and winning a Tony for producing LA CAGE AUS FOLLES on Broadway. He looked like composer Paul Williams -- short, cherubic, bespectacled.

We arranged a meeting to pitch our pilot story. Since we were dealing with MASH all day the meeting was set for 6 PM at his Benedict Canyon mansion (“Hillhaven Lodge”, complete with a giant eight foot Oscar statue in the driveway.)

We show up and are told by the butler he’s not ready. The butler ushered us onto the lovely outdoor patio where a bottle of wine was waiting for us as well as a Chasen’s ice mountain of fresh seafood. An hour later we’re still waiting although the bottle is now empty. And we start getting a little giddy. We were wondering how we could steal one of his ceramic flamingos. Would Allan notice the two long flamingo legs sticking out of my briefcase? We were really starting to get punchy.

Finally, we hear “Hello, hello” and quickly put on our serious game faces. A moment later Allan sweeps in wearing nothing but a flowing white caftan…and a layer of thick white cold cream all over his face. Holy shit! We almost lost it.

And now, not only must we somehow maintain decorum, we have to pitch a complete pilot story. Behind Allan sat the flamingos, making it even worse.

We somehow managed to get through it. Imagine this surreal scene – a normal pitch meeting, the producer and writers polishing a story, trading ideas, everyone acting as though there’s nothing unusual even though the producer is in a dress with Crisco dripping from his face.

We wrapped up the meeting, said goodbye, shook hands, he closed the front door, and we rolled around on his front lawn for 45 minutes laughing.

The pilot didn’t go thank God because shortly after that Allan had his stomach stapled. Lord knows what the story meetings were like following that.

Two GREAT quotes!

From Christopher Lloyd, co-creator of MODERN FAMILY. This comes from a current article about the show in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY. If I can read between the lines, I think he's happier at ABC than he was with his previous network.

"Getting notes on creativity from Fox is like getting notes on fashion from the Braille Institute."

And from Jewish Punk Rocker Patrick A. or "Aleph", the 26-year-old founder of Punk Torah, an outreach effort to inspire Jewish spirituality:

"When I'm on stage screaming, hitting my face with a microphone and pouring beer on my head, at least I'm singing about the Torah."

Happy Halloween

This has always been one of my favorite holidays, especially when the kids were little. Taking them trick-or-treating and seeing them so excited and happy was one of the true joys of parenthood. And then eating the candy they collected was fun too. Of course there’s always that one eccentric house. We had a dentist who gave out toothbrushes. Thank goodness he wasn’t a proctologist.

And where I live, near UCLA, there was always a second wave of trick-or-treaters. Later, after the kids had turned in for the night, sorority girls in yummy costumes would ring the bell. I’d be holding the candy bowl for them in one hand and my Emmy in the other.

During Matt & Annie’s elementary school years there was also the annual Halloween carnival. This was a public school catering to the local neighborhood but we were hardly a typical neighborhood. One year I volunteered by making snow cones and Hugh Hefner and his six bimbos strolled up to my cart. He had a kid in the school. A noted soft-porn actress whose children attended the school offered this for the silent auction: A two hour nude session where you could photograph or paint her. The principal graciously declined that offer but I bet it would have brought in a lot more money than the autographed WINGS script I donated.

For the school’s “Haunted House” Gene Simmons participated. He would pop up and stick out that four-foot tongue. One mother was so freaked she literally sued the school.

Ah, good times.

One thing I learned though, Halloween is an OUTDOOR holiday.

My son’s birthday is November 2nd. (Happy upcoming birthday, Matt!). When he turned five Halloween night fell on a Saturday. So for his party we invited a bunch of his friends to the house where I would take them all out trick-or-treating and then they’d come back for pizza and cake. 5-7 PM. No muss. No fuss. Great plan.

Except it rained. No, it POURED.

First off, as parents deposited their kids they asked if we’d take siblings since they couldn’t take them trick-or-treating in the rain. Of course we said yes, and so at 5:00 I had forty screaming crazed children running around my house – chasing each other with hatchets, and fairy wands, and Star Wars phasers. After relentlessly trying to wrangle this supercharged mob I finally sat down on the stairs and took a breath. I was so proud of myself. I had gotten through it. It’s almost 7. Then I checked my watch. 5:20.

If you have little kids enjoy these precious Halloweens. Soon enough they’ll outgrow you, want to be with their friends instead, and trade phasers for tequila shooters. At least I still have my memories… and the sorority girls keep coming around.

One last Halloween note: I’ve always found it odd that Jehovah’s Witnesses don’t believe in this holiday so they stay home…on the only night of the year when people would actually open their doors to them.

Happy Halloween.

Boo!

Working with the director of VOLUNTEERS

It’s Friday question day. Only one today but it required a long answer. What's your question???

From Brian Doan:

I was reading Nicholas Meyer's new memoir on a plane this weekend, and he has very kind things to say about the script you and David Isaacs wrote for VOLUNTEERS, how much he loved working on the film, and how he remains proud of the movie, even if it wasn't the big hit everyone wanted it to be.

Just wondering if you have memories of working with Meyer on the film, or stories you might want to share?

We had a lovely experience working with Nick. Best of all, he really did respect the script and only changed it minimally.

Once a film director comes on board the only input and involvement the writer has is what the director graciously allows. All too often the writer will turn in his last draft and the next thing he sees is the finished product a year later – often with horrifying results.

Nick welcomed our involvement from day one. We got to weigh-in on screen tests. We were encouraged to spend time with Tom Hanks to share our vision of the character.

We were invited to Mexico to watch some of the filming but had to decline because we were busy rewriting JEWEL OF THE NILE at the time. Still, we were permitted to watch the dailies that were sent back to LA.

Once the film went into post production we were invited to editing sessions.

Nick always heard us out. He didn’t always follow our suggestions but that’s more than fair.

Our only real disagreement, and I’ve talked about this elsewhere in the blog, was the moment where he had characters break the fourth wall to read a subtitle. We felt it destroyed the reality of the picture and sapped it of any suspense. He argued that it got one of the biggest laughs in the film. How could we take out one of the biggest laughs? He won that battle.

We won another. There’s a scene where the Peace Corps advisor gives volunteer Beth a gift – a Burmese prince (you can watch it below). The joke is that the little statuette had a huge penis. These actually exist, by the way. I have a collection... no, just kidding.

We’re watching the scene on the moviola (a very small screen) and notice that he cuts to a close-up of the statue. We said, that’s not going to play well on the big screen. The penis will be too big. He argued that if we stayed in the master the joke might not be apparent. We said, fine, we’ll see how it works in the test screening. I'm happy to be wrong if it means a moment works.

So we have the big test screening for several hundred people and that close-up of the penis fills the giant screen. And every woman in the audience gasped and shrieked. David and I bolted for the lobby where we laughed so hard we missed the next ten minutes of the film. Needless to say, it came out.

But how’s this for graciousness? That test screening cut was well over two-hours. The goal was to get it down to 90 or 95 minutes. Nick felt he was too close to it and actually let us take a pass and offer cuts. Many of our suggestions he took. Trust me, that's almost unheard of.

Are there things about VOLUNTEERS I wish were different? Sure. Performances, moments, certain scenes and choices. But there are also things that Nick added to the film that were big improvements over what we had intended.

So all in all, a hugely positive experience. Nicholas Meyer is one of the brightest people I ever met and it was a joy just to be in his company, much less collaborate with him.

I’m also envious that he got his memoir published.

Here’s a ten minute segment of VOLUNTEERS that features the Burmese prince scene. It’s about 5 minutes in. This segment also features the famous “Time” joke.

Shawnee Smith

Not to be a name dropper but as we approach Halloween I can honestly say I’m friends with “the Queen of Scream”, “the Goddess of Gore”, “The Whore of Horror?”(no, that doesn’t sound right). Anyway, it’s Shawnee Smith, star of SAW, SAW II, SAW III, SAW IV, SAW V, and because there are still so many unanswered questions: SAW VI.

She is an absolute sweetheart.

I actually go way back with Shawnee. One of her step-parents lived in the same condo complex as my folks in the 70s. I first worked with her in the mid 80s when she was a regular on the sitcom ALL IS FORGIVEN and I did punch-up work.

Quick aside: ALL IS FORGIVEN is a forgotten gem. Created by the Charles Brothers and Howard Gewirtz and Ian Praiser, it was about life on a soap opera and despite great reviews, NBC cancelled it. They were number one then and although ALL IS FORGIVEN was in the Top 30, it wasn’t high enough in the Top 30 for them. More people probably watched one episode than the number of weekly viewers for Jay Leno. I don’t know if ALL IS FORGIVEN is available on DVD or YouTube or the black market, but it’s worth checking out. Meanwhile…

Shawnee went on to do a bunch of movies and plays – I tried to live off the laurels of doing punch-up on ALL IS FORGIVEN -- and we reconnected when Dave Hackel cast her as the ditzy receptionist in BECKER.

I got to direct quite a few BECKERS and discovered her to be a brilliant comedienne.. Everyone thinks it’s easy playing dumb. It’s not. To make a character dumb but real is exceedingly hard. The irony is you have to be incredibly smart to play dumb. You need expert timing, you need to really commit to the character, and you have to make us believe that the stupid things you say are not stupid to you. For my money, the two comediennes who played dumb to perfection were Judy Holliday and Gracie Allen. Both had IQ’s off the charts.

And now Shawnee's delighting audiences wriggling out of reverse bear traps, knifing people, and sorting through entrails. As Amanda, she’s kind of the Kate Hepburn to Tobin Bell’s Jigsaw.

I couldn’t be more thrilled for her success and once everyone in the world is gruesomely tortured and killed I hope she’s return to comedy.

Here’s a montage of her work on BECKER. For SAW clips you’re on your own.

Netflix pick of the month: BODY HEAT

Okay, I’m going to start talking film noir in a few minutes but let’s cut to the chase – I love BODY HEAT for the sex. That’s why I went to see it, that’s why I went back to see it, that’s why I’m recommending it. There’s noir and great breakout performances but all that is a bonus.

BODY HEAT, released in 1981, marked the directorial debut of Lawrence Kasdan, who also wrote the film. Today he’s known as Jake Kasdan’s dad but back then he was writing STAR WARS sequels and INDIANA JONES movies – enough Hollywood currency to warrant a directing nod.

The movie is very noir. I don’t actually know the definition of that word but it seems to be the genre that encompasses night, mood, lust, guilt, illicit passion, double-crosses, triple-crosses, seduction, and if really done right – a hopelessly confusing plot. BODY HEAT satisfies all of that plus a lot of nudity!

The film stars William Hurt as Ned Racine, a two-bit lawyer in a small Florida town who meets Matty Walker (Kathleen Turner), an unhappy rich married woman. There’s an instant smoldering connection. They’re both horny, wildly attracted to each other, and share the same penchant for talking like a Raymond Chandler novel.

It’s hot (100 degrees at night), they’re hot (one reviewer actually used the word “slender” to describe her back then), and the heat is never turned down.

In short order Ned and Matty are in her mansion getting it on as often and graphic as possible. You are so wrapped up in the steamy sweaty animal sex that you don’t ask the question, “Hey, if she’s so rich and lives in a mansion, how come she can’t afford air conditioning?”

Matty eventually talks Ned into killing her husband (that’s how good the sex was) and the plot takes off. If this sounds a little like DOUBLE INDEMNITY that’s because it’s almost a direct lift. But you never saw Fred MacMurray giving it to Barbra Stanwyck from behind.

Some notable other performances: Ted Danson as the tap dancing D.A. (this was well before CHEERS) is a riot and Mickey Rourke as an explosives expert (well before he went nuts) is riveting.

The ending gets very confusing and Byzantine so you might want to rewind and replay it a time or two. Just like guys will be rewinding and replaying the first part of the movie twenty times.

BODY HEAT – see it with someone you hope to get lucky with.

Social Network Rejection

First off, get well soon wishes to Earl Pomerantz. He’s having robots operate on him or something. I’m not sure whether the WGA Health Plan doesn’t cover actual surgeons or robots are next big thing, but in any case – have a full and speedy recovery.

Earl, as many of you know, is a fellow comedy writer and blogger. He asked me to remind you that during his medical “hiatus” he is running “Best of” posts. So it’s a good chance to either acquaint yourself with Earl or catch up. You can find his blog here. Tell him Ken sent ya.

One topic that Earl brought up awhile back that I’ve been thinking about as well is “Social Network Rejection”. You must get this too. I’ll check my Twitter page and see two or three people have unsubscribed. And I wonder – hey, what did I do? Did saying something nice about Patty Heaton cause you to leave? Did you think to yourself, “Jesus, if I see one more goddamn post about MASH I’m going to scream”? After a couple of months did you just realize I'm not the Ken Levine who created BIOSHOCK? Did I misspell just too many words for you? What???

I accept the fact that readers come and go, but still – there’s a tiny part of me that wonders, “should I take this personally?”

Do you feel this way too?

Do you see that four friends have dropped you from Facebook and think, “Gee, sorry I’m not interesting enough for you.” Your next reaction is usually “screw you” but you still wonder… did they drop you but keep Heather who tweets every time she coughs up phlegm?

I mean, face it, we all drop other people. If someone wants me to join 72 causes I usually dump them by cause 20. I used to follow a certain baseball beat writer because I like their writing. Then I started getting a hundred updates a day on the Houston Astros. I couldn’t unsubscribe fast enough.

People drop former romantic partners; that I understand. But other people FIND OUT they’re being a dropped by reading Facebook. When your girlfriend’s status goes from “in a relationship” to “single”, well, there’s now 51 Ways to Leave Your Lover.

The point is, there’s usually a reason. Enough of a reason that you’re willing to seek out the unsubscribe icon and click on it. Not saying the people you purge from your life are not lovely but there’s something about them that clearly bugs the shit out of you.

The other, even greater personal rejection, is when you ask to befriend someone – someone you KNOW, someone who IS a friend in real life – and they ignore or reject you. You’re not asking them to donate a kidney, you’re asking to add your little picture icon to their friends page. This can be particularly painful when members of your immediate family dump your sorry ass.

Or maybe I’m just being too sensitive. I’d start a Facebook Group – “Coping with Social Network Rejection” but what if no one signs up?

Charlize Theron Kisses Woman For $140,000

I can’t get enough of these HuffPost Headlines for the important stories YOU need to follow. Just from today…

Charlize Theron Kisses Woman For $140,000

Billy Mays' Son Sponsoring Contest For Halloween Costumes Of His Dead Dad

Edward Norton's Maasai Marathon, Twitter & Vaselined Nipples

Diddy's Brazilian Vacation: 'Ass! Ass! Ass!'

Faizon Love: No Sock In 'Couples Retreat' Nude Scene

David Cross: I Snorted Cocaine 40 Feet From Obama

A free society depends upon the populace remaining informed.

My trip to Philadelphia

For you new readers, whenever I'm allowed out of the 310 area code I write up a travelogue of my trip. This saves you from having to actually go anywhere yourself. Here's the latest.
If it weren’t for the Dodgers being swept by the Phillies, my sojourn to Philadelphia to cover them would have been sublime. But that “losing the pennant thing” really puts a crimp in your trip.

Philadelphia is the home of Rocky Balboa, Dick Clark, Gogi Grant, Danny Bonaduce (actor, alcoholic), Broderick Crawford (actor, alcoholic), Eddie Fisher (singer, homewrecker), World B. Free, Lola Falana, Betsy Ross, Suzy Kobler, George Jefferson, John Coltrane, Michael Douglas (the former talk show host, not father of the felon), Pink, Teller, Fabian, Chaka Fattah, Chubby Checker (who absurdly believes there should be a statue of himself at the Rock n’ Roll Hall-of-Fame), Mohini Bhardwaj (no description necessary), funnymen Larry Fine, W.C. Fields, and Richard Gere, two of the most admired women in the world – Grace Kelly and Tina Fey, G Love and Special Sauce, and of course Henry “Box” Brown, an abolitionist who escaped slavery by literally mailing himself to Philadelphia from Richmond, Virginia. (Book rate yet!)

Philadelphia is also one of Hollywood’s favorite locations. It’s been the setting for MANNEQUIN and the TONY RANDALL SHOW. THE PHILADELPHIA STORY however, was filmed in Hollywood.

The Eagles are still the number one sports team in this town. And that’s with Michael Vick (who shouldn’t be in the NFL. He should be locked in a room with 15 hungry pit bulls and a pork chop tied around his neck.). On Sunday night the Fightin’ Phils won 11-0 (and the game wasn’t as close as that score would indicate) and most of the coverage in the next day’s sports section was “what’s wrong with the Eagles?” The Phils are the Norman Maine of Philadelphia.

Meant to get out to the Mutter Museum, founded originally to educate doctors of the 19th Century and HMO’s. Big attractions include conjoined twins and a catalog of foreign objects removed from bodies.

The first few nights a Nor’easter blew through town and it was colder than Faye Dunaway’s sweater meat. But then the sun came out and temps rose from 30 to 70. It’s not always sunny in Philadelphia but when it is it’s glorious!

I love that the area has regional delicacies – hoagies, soft pretzels, Goldenberg’s peanut chews, Tastykakes, and the most famous of all: Philly Cheese Steaks -- thinly sliced slippery gristle and melted cheese whiz on a long roll and somehow it tastes great. But only in Philadelphia. Everywhere else it’s a grease trap on a bun. There is much debate over who serves the best cheese steak but many locals agree it’s Jim’s.

And then there’s Scrapple. This is a mush of all the pork parts not used elsewhere. And considering what they use in hot dogs that pretty much leaves the sphincter, doesn’t it? Contestants on FEAR FACTOR won’t even eat that crap.

See the Liberty Bell. Yes, it’s a real touristy thing to do but it’s worth it.

City statues pay tribute to the three most honored figures in Philadelphia’s rich history -- Benjamin Franklin, Mike Schmidt, and Sylvester Stallone.

This is the birthplace of two major revolutions – the American and shopping. It is in nearby Westchester that QVC is located, which is why I thought I saw Marie Osmond at baggage claim waiting at the carousel for 42,000 dolls to come down the chute.

Walked by the Eddie Haskell Hair Studio. Didn’t you always wonder whatever happened to that little shit? “I think those highlights look very becoming on you, Mrs. Cleaver. Please give my best to young Theodore when you see him, will you?

Citizens Bank Park, the new home of the Phillies, is a terrific venue, a vast improvement over Veteran’s Stadium, which was the world’s largest spittoon. Beyond centerfield is the skyline of the city. And in a refreshing change from all the other new-designed-to-look-like-old parks, there are actually portions that aren’t luxury boxes. It’s very fan friendly even though the fans are anything but friendly. Philadelphia fans are tough. Their idea of rally towels is torches and pitchforks. But they’re passionate, knowledgeable, and extra intimidating in frigid weather all bundled up in red jackets and hoods. Imagine a Unibomber convention.

And the Phillie Phanatic is the mascot’s mascot. He’s the Chaplin of big furry blobs.

The Phils also have two terrific announcers – Scott Franzke and Tom McCarthy. But I miss Harry Kalas. Not as much as the fan though who showed up at one of the games sporting a Mohawk with the initials “HK” cut into one side. Although he could’ve just been honoring Harvey Korman.

For some reason taxis and even buses have the right-of-way over ambulances in the inner City of Brotherly Love.

The Phillies had a great slogan last year: “Why Can’t Us?”

People say LA is weird but in Sunday night’s game the Fightins’ former catcher Darren Daulton threw out the first pitch. He currently talks to lizards, preaches unconventional theories regarding human existence, and time travels. Even Lauren from THE HILLS doesn’t do that.

In anticipation of the Phillies clinching the pennant the Philadelphia Municipal Authority greased every pole near the stadium so that rambunctious revilers couldn’t climb them. Streetlights, bus signs, even trees were coated with a slippery yellow goo. After how many beers do you ask the question: “Hey, how would a squirrel celebrate?”

The charter flight home was long and somber. Arrived back in L.A. at dawn. Yes, it would have nice to have 20,000 appreciative fans there to greet us but we were more than thrilled just to see the shuttle vans.

Thanks to the Dodgers for a fabulous year. Their season was like NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN. Great movie but the ending sucked. Yet it was still worthy of the Oscar.

Hopefully next year they’ll be greasing the trees around Dodger Stadium.

PARADE

Guest blogger today. My daughter Annie files her review of the hit musical PARADE, now playing at the Mark Taper Forum in LA. It's won numerous Tonys but none of that matters until you've been accepted by the Los Angeles theater crowd. So how did it stack up? Here's Annie's report.
Parade is a musical about the Leo Frank case, which took place in Atlanta in 1913. A young girl named Mary Phagen who worked at a pencil factory was murdered, and Leo Frank, who ran the factory, became the number one suspect primarily because he was Jewish and from Brooklyn. It already sounds like a toe-tapping good time, doesn’t it? Luckily, while it might not be a feel good musical, it is a beautifully written one. Alfred Uhry’s book and Jason Robert Brown’s music and lyrics make the show captivating, touching and thought-provoking. Plus it probably isn’t nearly as depressing as Carrie Fisher’s one-woman show.

This production of Parade began in London's Donmar Warehouse where it had been reworked for a smaller cast and a smaller venue. As a result, there was a lot more double casting than there was in the original production. I found it really confusing. There was only one man playing all of the African-American male parts. My heart goes out to the casting director. She could only find one African-American man in Los Angeles who was able to sing, dance and act? I guess it’s a miracle that she was able to find the one. Also, the guy who played both the lead reporter and the governor of Georgia looked a lot like John Hamm, which begged the question “Jesus, how many secret identities does Don Draper have?!”

I was surprised/concerned at how many children I saw in the audience. I have a little suggestion for parents: please read the synopsis of the musical, not just the title, before taking your 7 year old. Parade isn’t about the balloons at Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Ragtime isn’t a re-usical of Scott Joplin hits, and Les Miserables should be obvious (and yet there are always children there)! But I digress.

I had heard very mixed things about T.R. Knight’s performance as Leo Frank, but I thought he did a very nice job. His acting was excellent, and though I don’t expect him to be doing any duets with Andrea Boccelli soon, his singing was quite good as well. I do feel bad for the guy though. First he gets attacked by Isaiah Washington for being gay, and now the entire South is against him for being Jewish. He can’t win, can he?

Lara Pulver, who played Lucile Frank (Leo’s Wife) and Tony winner Christian Hoff, who played prosecuting attorney, Hugh Dorsey were both wonderful. The role of Hugh Dorsey calls for a very large performance, and Hoff was definitely up to the challenge. He chewed up every inch of scenery --I don’t think there was a single Confederate flag left without teeth marks on it.

I was lucky enough to see this performance from the front row, which at the Taper Forum is basically sitting on the stage. I was very excited about this, until I started getting spit on. I don't mean a little--I mean I was wringing out my shirt by the end. I guess I can't complain that they enunciated poorly.

All and all, it was a very successful production, and one I highly recommend.
--Annie

There you have it. A success! Ends November 15th. Thanks, Annie.