My first radio job

I’m starting a new on-going series – tales from my early radio days. Along with Netflix picks, travelogues, Friday questions, excerpts from my 60s book, award reviews, movie previews, early tales of my writing career, and eulogies I’ll be sprinkling these chestnuts in from time to time.

I always contend that the only way I got respect in radio was by getting out of it. There was no Billboard Disc Jockey of the Year award for me in the early 70s. Most of the time there were no jobs.

I can’t say my aspirations upon graduating from UCLA were all that high back then. I wanted to play the hits. My ultimate goal was to do nights in San Diego. Not even Los Angeles or San Francisco. I thought with my voice even San Diego was unrealistic.

And of course, when you just get out of college your career planning is not really long range. It never occurred to me that introducing Cher records four hours a night for fifty years might not be the best use of my time or talent. I just wanted to land at a station with a good jingle package. (Another job well done by a faculty career counselor.)

My first real on-air job came while I was still in college. A friend, John was a disc jockey/chief engineer at the number two rock station in Bakersfield. KERN 1410. (Note: Any AM station 1300 or higher on the dial has the signal range of your WIFI router.) He called to say they had an opening – Saturday nights from 6-midnight for $2.50 an hour!! I gasped at my good fortune. Quickly I called the program director (who was on the air at the time... playing "Gypsies Tramps and Thieves"). He said send a tape. I had one ready to go. It was a composite of shows I had done at the UCLA campus station.

I asked if I could drive up there and play it for him. With such a plum assignment as six hours a week on a station no one listened to in the middle of nowhere in sweltering summer heat for minimum wage I didn’t want to leave anything to chance.

So on the 4th of July in Africa-hot heat I drove the 90 miles up to Bakersfield -- the Jewel of the Central Valley.

The station itself was a shack surrounded by three towers in a giant empty field. The previous tenant was probably the Unibomber. I met the program director, your standard long-haired hippy freak/radio executive who took me into the production studio, which was the size of the bathroom in a Greyhound bus. I was very proud of this tape. It must've taken me twenty hours to assemble. He wound it on the old machine, and hit play. “It’s 6:00 on…” He shut it off. “Yeah, you’re fine. You start Saturday”.

I was ecstatic.

He asked me what name I wanted to use. This threw me a little. Couldn’t I just use Ken Levine? “I dunno, “ he said, “That sounds almost Jewish.” (Almost Jewish???) He suggested instead “R.K. Olsen”. (RKO owned a lot of big stations back then like KHJ, KFRC, and WOR. It was an inside joke for six people on the planet). We settled on Ken Stevens. Who knew I’d be going through Ellis Island in Bakersfield?

Still, this was unbelievable. Our campus station only went to the dorms. This station I could hear in my car! At least for the first six minutes driving back home at midnight.

For three months I commuted every weekend to Bakersfield. My radiator blew twice, my car overheated numerous times, I got a flat tire, snapped three fan belts, and one weekend I received two speeding tickets from the same cop at the same spot coming and going.

But it was worth every dollar I had to borrow to keep this glorious job.

And then they gave me Sundays from noon to six to go along my Saturday night shift. I did that for about a year, sleeping every Saturday night on John's threadbare couch.

At first I was terrible on the air. No tapes exist. But eventually I got comfortable. In other words, I started doing more comedy (LOTS more comedy). The program director left, replaced ironically by my friend, John. He really whipped the station into shape. And the next summer when the ratings came out (they only came out once a year in Bakersfield) KERN amazingly beat the longtime powerhouse KAFY despite their massive signal and better jingles.

And my ratings on Sunday afternoons: a staggering 49 share. Believe me, I owe it all to the comedy. Otherwise I had no pipes and no real style. Still I wonder – if I had gone by the name Ken Levine, would my share have been slightly lower? Maybe 40? Or 8?

More radio tales in the weeks to come. Here’s a hint: “Just shut up and play the records. Stop trying to be funny. You’re not!”

Is Emmy a goddess or the whore from hell?

Congrats to all the Emmy nominees. It’s a wonderful recognition of your outstanding work.

An Emmy can really help make a show a big hit. It sure helped CHEERS.

However…

“Emmy” can also be evil.

She can also destroy a show. I’ve seen this before.

MODERN FAMILY – beware! Emmy might be targeting you in particular for her treachery.

Year one of a show – all the actors are one big happy family. Everyone is pulling for everyone else. Now five are nominated and one isn’t. Right away that can spell trouble. I can hear her cackling. In this case I don’t think it’s going to be a problem because Ed O’Neill has been there before and knows how the game is played.

But now the actors in this one big happy family are in competition with each other. Egos could get bruised. Resentments could surface. How was life on the set of CYBILL when Christine Baranski won an Emmy over Cybill Shepherd? Emmy considers that one of her masterpieces.

I’m hoping in MODERN FAMILY’S case this won’t be an issue. I hope they all realize that Emmys are subjective. Just because someone wins and you lose doesn’t mean they’re any better. And the same is true when you beat them next year. There’s also the factor that actors from one show can cancel each other out so both are robbed. (Jackee won once for God sakes!) Intellectually, everybody knows this. But it’s tough when you’re an actor and it’s your face up there on the screen. So it’s just common nature to think, “They’re rejecting ME.” Please resist that.

Good luck to all the nominees from all the shows. May Emmy smile upon you and if not, the hell with the bitch!

This week in Tweets

This is the kind of crap I Tweet if you choose to follow me on Twitter.

Saw Joe Biden's motorcade yesterday. Didn't realize it. 2 limos and lots of police. I thought it was Lindsay Lohan being taken to County.

LeBron deciding where to go for dinner tonight. ESPN hour special begins in fifteen minutes.

Ballplayer walk-up music is annoying. Mine would be "God Bless America". I would get a standing ovation every time I came to the plate.

Cleveland loses LeBron but still has Betty White.

From my daughter Annie: The new Health Care Bill will impose a 10% tax on Tanning Salon Customers? My heart bleeds for the cast of JERSEY SHORE.

It's "earthquake night" at beautiful Dodger Stadium. Anything to attract fans with the Florida Marlins in town.

Another marriage proposal at Dodger Stadium tonight. I forget whether it was during "Kiss Cam" feature or "Bloopers".

Fireworks are great unless you are a dog.

From the Chutzpah Hall of Fame...

Here's another baseball post for people who don't like baseball. It's about one of the most outrageous characters I've ever met.

This goes back to my minor league days. For the three years I broadcast in the minors for Syracuse and Tidewater. You meet a lot of colorful individuals on that circuit but none even close to the announcer for Louisville (who was replaced by a guy named Joe Buck). This guy, we’ll call him “Louie” had a big booming voice and a style that only can be described as carnival barker. Having crossed into middle age, Louie was still a big skirt chaser, although in those days he generally wound up getting girls in big skirts.

One day Louisville is in Des Moines. He meets some woman at the hotel and they arrange to rendezvous in the lobby at 11 PM after that night’s game.

Unfortunately, the game drags on.

The visiting broadcast booth is right next to the main area of the press box with an open window between the two. Reporters can easily hear the visiting broadcasters.

It’s 10:40. Going into the 8th. The game has at least a half hour to go, then there’s wrapping up the broadcast, shutting down the equipment, and getting back to the hotel. No way will Louie make his 11:00 tryst.

As the two teams are changing sides and the pitcher is making his warm up tosses, the reporters start to hear play-by-play coming from Louie’s booth.

“Bottom of the 8th, Jones up, swings at the first pitch. Fly ball to right. Krellman makes the catch. One out. Next up is Smith. He swings at the first pitch and hits a grounder the first. Two quick outs…” etc.

Louis begins MAKING UP the play-by-play. Sure enough, “his” game is over in ten speedy minutes and he’s out the door. Louie belongs in the “Chutzpah Hall of Fame” for that one stunt alone.

But there were many others. Among them: getting thrown out of a game by an umpire for ragging on him from the press box, getting thrown out of an NBA game and costing his team a technical foul when he did same thing during his brief tenure as the San Antonio Spurs announcer, getting fired from the Minnesota Twins for illegally promoting a drag strip nightly on the broadcast he had ties with, getting canned from a Cleveland sportstalk station for accusing a team of “Jewing down” a player’s agent, and last I heard he was doing TV weather in a small Midwestern town and was arrested for fondling some woman’s breast in a carwash.

As a writer, if you were to put Louie in a script your producer would throw it right back in your face saying he was waaaaay too implausible. And he’d be right…except in minor league baseball. Guys like Louie made all the nine hour bus rides, make up doubleheaders, and dinners at Shoneys worth it.

A Woody Allen bit you've never seen before

Since Woody Allen seems to be a current topic on this blog I thought I'd share a great bit of his from the mid 60s. From time to time Woody would appear on CANDID CAMERA. For those who never heard of CANDID CAMERA, it's PUNKED but done in the 50s and 60s on CBS.

Woody Allen participated in this segment. He's an executive hiring an unsuspecting secretary.

LeBron is a disloyal a-hole...and Friday questions

Ready for some Friday questions besides why did LeBron pick Miami over the Cavs or Clippers?

Mary Stella gets us started.

This week's TV Guide says The Cosby Show single-handedly brought back the sit-com. Do you agree, disagree or . . .?

I absolutely agree. In the early 80s there was a lot of talk that sitcoms were dead. Many sitcom writers were writing hour MAGNUM P.I. specs hoping to still stay in the business.

Despite how good CHEERS was its first season, the ratings were dismal. They improved slightly the second year, aided by the Emmy for Best Comedy. But then COSBY premiered year three, started getting ungodly numbers like 40 shares and suddenly everything else on NBC’s Thursday night went through the roof… including CHEERS. Sort of like the Cavaliers when LeBron joined them except Cosby won championships. Within a few years all of the networks were flooding their schedules with comedies again and the genre was once again viable. But make no mistake, no sitcom has ever had the impact on network television that COSBY did. And there was no ridiculous hype fest with America's greatest opportunist, Jim Gray to announce which network Cosby would be taking his show on renewal years.

Kirk Jusko queries…

You mentioned the Mary Tyler Moore as being the Holy Grail of sitcoms, and it made me think of a question. Although the show was funny throughout its' seven-year run, I thought it lost a little something after Rhoda (Valerie Harper) left. Not laughs, but, at the risk of sounding a little corny, some heart. I wonder what your opinion is of this.

I don’t think the MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW ever lost heart. The writers were always vigilant about that. I did think that the character of Rhoda lost heart when she spun-off into her own show. Personally, I thought she should have stayed in Cleveland... sorry, I meant Minneapolis. After the first season when it was clear the marriage with Joe wasn’t working, I think the producers had trouble really deciding what the series should be about. It kind of drifted from season to season. She had a much clearer role and function in THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW.

I really missed her on MTM because I loved that Jewish voice. No one could write Rhoda like Treva Silverman. And Treva was not involved in the spin-off.

And finally, from Carson:

My question is about continuity. Sometimes there are glaring continuity issues that always leave me wondering, why doesn’t the actor say, “hey, this isn’t right!” A prime example is from The Andy Griffith Show where the character of Goober Pyle is suddenly, with no explanation and for just one episode, referred to as Goober Beasley. How and why does this happen?

Sometimes it happens when writing staffs change and they are unaware of previous details. I can’t speak for the ANDY GRIFFITH SHOW. I never worked on it. I was Opie’s age.

Usually though, someone from the cast and crew will flag the inconsistency. But not always.

I told this story before but it applies.

In the seventh season of MASH we did an episode called Preventive Medicine. The story seemed very intriguing. The number of arriving wounded had increased because of one careless Colonel. Hawkeye slips him a mickey then to keep him from returning to the front removes his appendix. This was before malpractice suits and HMO’s but there was still that pesky question of ethics. It created a nice debate between Hawkeye and BJ. We did a lot of rewriting on that episode, the cast was happy, we were happy, and they went off to the ranch to make it.

On Friday night my partner, David tuned in to the MASH rerun that CBS was airing at 11:45. After watching a few minutes he came upon a horrible discovery – IT WAS THE EXACT SAME SHOW THAT WE WERE FILMING. Identical. Same plotline, same argument. The only difference was it was better (no surprise there – Larry Gelbart vs. us).

We were mortified. I mean, it’s one thing to steal from other shows, but to steal from your own? We looked like a couple of blithering idiots (y'know, like the owners of the Cavs, Knicks, Bulls, Nets, even Clippers). And again, the amazing thing is that no one on the cast or crew caught it. And a lot of them were there for the original episode.

So it can happen. And when it does we all look like Goobers.

Thanks for the questions. Oh well, Cleveland. You still have Betty White. What’s your question?

Women I love

Yes, it’s a direct ripoff of Esquire but I doubt if my choices match theirs.

GINA BELLMAN – If you just watch her on LEVERAGE you won’t know that in the British version of COUPLING she was absolutely hilarious. Somehow can play both sexy and goofy at the same time. I don’t know how she does that.

ELENA KAGAN – Handled the confirmation hearing with aplomb and humor and resisted the strong temptation to call Rep. Senator Tom Coburn a fucking moron for asking her if a law could be passed forcing Americans to eat fruits and vegetables. She has more willpower than me, that’s for damn sure.

JANE LYNCH – Quite possibly the funniest actress currently on the planet. And not just for her work on GLEE. She steals every show she’s in. Check her out in 40 YEAR OLD VIRGIN.

RACHEL MADDOW -- She’s that super smart friend that doesn’t make you feel dumb (even though you are). A fair and balanced political commentator, which makes her something of a revelation these days. When asked her political affiliation she said, "I'm undoubtedly a liberal, which means that I'm in almost total agreement with the Eisenhower-era Republican party platform."

JULIE BOWEN – MODERN FAMILY’S “Claire”. There’s no more thankless role for an actress than the “voice-of-reason TV mom” but Julie nails it. She’s funny, she’s real, and maybe it’s just me but I find her hotter than “Gloria”.

MICHELE TAFOYA – Still the best woman sportscaster out there, even if she can’t dance.

ELIZABETH BANKS – First saw her in WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER and thought, “Wow! This girl is funny!” Only later in the movie did I realize, “Oh, and she’s also beautiful”. But it’s that “funny” thing that makes her a 10.

MARISA TOMEI – Somehow never ages.

DIABLO CODY – JUNO was not a fluke. I miss her commentaries in ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY.

MARY LYNN RAJSKUB – Her “Chloe” was the most original character on television. I know they don’t teach “exasperation, looking bored, eye rolling, and perpetual scowling” in charm school but they sure work for Mary Lynn. She’s also a great guitarist.

CAT DEELY – So you think you can host? She really can.

MY WIFE -- Happy Anniversary, Debby

Woody Allen's best six movies

The Times of London asked Woody Allen to list what he thought were his best six movies. His answer rather floored me.

ZELIG
PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO
HUSBANDS AND WIVES
VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA
BULLETS OVER BROADWAY
MATCH POINT

Now granted Woody Allen has made probably 200 movies. He pops them out like they were Pez tablets. And yes, a lot of them are God awful. It’s even harder to narrow those down to six. But some worthy candidates might be…

HOLLYWOOD ENDINGS
CELEBRITY
SHADOWS AND FOG
SCOOP
THE CURSE OF THE JADE SCORPION
WHATEVER WORKS
DECONSTRUCTING HARRY

And I don’t disagree that several of Mr. Allen’s picks are good films. BULLETS OVER BROADWAY and PURPLE ROSE OF CAIRO. But MATCH POINT? Sorry but that’s just the British reboot of CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS (a great film) with the world’s dumbest police detectives. And you’ve heard me rant about VICKY CHRISTINA BARCELONA before. Lazy storytelling all done through narration. I thought HUSBANDS AND WIVES had its moments (namely the Sydney Pollack subplot) although it was impossible to watch with that jumpy camera technique. The only way to see that movie comfortably is to watch it in an airplane during extreme turbulence. ZELIG was an interesting exercise but hardly a satisfying film.

Plus it seems to me there are so many better movies he could have chosen. Like I said, CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS was a masterpiece. HANNAH & HER SISTERS was brilliant. ANNIE HALL was the perfect romantic comedy. A case could be made for MANHATTAN. And then there are the early funny ones that Allen inexplicitly chooses to distance himself from. Give me SLEEPER, BANANAS, LOVE AND DEATH, and TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN over VICKY any day. Hell, I’d take BROADWAY DANNY ROSE, EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT SEX, RADIO DAYS, and his segment in NEW YORK STORIES over VICKY. I’m convinced Penelope Cruz won an Oscar for that movie not because her performance was so extraordinary, it’s because when she came on the screen the audience woke up.

So here are my six for now. Depending on my mood, the list could change weekly… or hourly.

ANNIE HALL
CRIMES AND MISDEMEANORS
BANANAS
TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN
HANNAH AND HER SISTERS
SLEEPER

Yes, I’m shallow because three of the six are early funny ones. But those are the movies that made me want to go into comedy. So that counts for, y'know... something.

What’s your list?

Netflix pick of the month: MEATBALLS

As we head into summer, here’s my favorite summer camp movie. This is no easy feat as there are probably 4,000 summer camp movies out there. WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER was a definite contender along with CAMP (the genre movie for the GLEE crowd). And for just a sheer summer romp, who could forget FRIDAY THE 13th?

But my nod has to go to MEATBALLS from 1979. Primarily due to Bill Murray. It’s been so long now that many of you readers (perhaps most or close to all) don’t know that Bill Murray was once pulverizingly funny. Hell, a lot of you don’t even know who he is.

Like 98% of screen comics, he got his start on SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE. MEATBALLS was his first movie role and his breakout film. In many ways he was the Seth Rogen of his day – that charming slothy slacker future alcoholic/drug addict.

He plays the insouciant inebriated camp counselor who becomes a mentor/father figure to a shy young camper.

From there it’s like every other camp movie. Hijinks, pratfalls, food jokes, romance, raunch, tender moments, debauchery, teen angst, the elite camp across the lake that always beats them in every competition. And in the end either everybody is ultimately happy and has learned some valuable life lesson or their throats are slashed. There have been so many of these yarns that it’s hard to pinpoint just who lifted what plotline from who? Only the gags and brutal stabbings are different.

But the gags are funny in MEATBALLS. Fresh, original (at the time), and Bill Murray turns in a bravura comic performance.

It was directed by Ivan Reitman and was the movie that put him on the map. He later gave us STRIPES, GHOSTBUSTERS, and best of all -- Jason Reitman.

So sit back and laugh once again at the poison ivy, traumas, and dysentery. Summer camp was never more than fun than in MEATBALLS.

The MASH characters today

Reader Bob Sommers wondered where the characters of MASH would be today? Since the Korean War was almost 60 years ago they'd probably all be dead. Super short blog post.

But here’s the good news: through the miracle of reincarnation they have all come back and are with us here today.

Frank Burns is now Glenn Beck.

Radar O’Reilly is now Bill Gates.

Hot Lips is now Faye Dunaway.

Charles Winchester is George Will.

B.J. Hunnicutt has become Al Gore.

Trapper John is now Mark Cuban.

Father Mulcahy is now Alan Dershowitz (God has a real sense of humor).

Dr. Sidney Freedman is Phil Jackson.

Max Klinger is Marv Albert.

Henry Blake is Bill Clinton.

Hawkeye Pierce is Ken Levine (hey, it’s my blog).

What U.S. senator used to be a Mick Jagger impersonator?

Would love to see him do these moves on the senate floor.

The 4th of July and Buster Keaton

When I was a kid growing up in Woodland Hills, California – a suburb in the San Fernando Valley we always had a July 4th parade. It was not very big. Zero floats. A few school marching bands all playing Stars & Stripes Forever and Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini, girls twirling batons (which proved to be more dangerous to crowds than today’s maple bats), local dignitaries (“Hey, there’s Mr. Neider from Neider’s Auto Body!”), some elementary school classes, and local politicians (“We have a councilman?”).

But for me the REAL reason to stake out my spot on Ventura Blvd was that the grand marshal was always Buster Keaton. He was probably 150 by then but still, there he was. Mostly forgotten today but Buster Keaton was a comic genius in the era of silent films and early talkies. His flair for physical comedy was so inspired that even today I don’t think there’s a single comic who can remotely touch him. If I couldn’t still see George Washington in person at least there was Buster Keaton.

I miss those parades. If you still have one where you live, go. Wave a flag. Cheer. Just duck when the baton twirlers go by.

HAPPY 4th OF JULY EVERYONE!

What celebrities are Tweeting right now...

As a way of thanking my Twitter followers, I scanned these Tweets so you don't have to.

John Stamos | la-nyc
I love mexico! beautiful country, good 'family' people. off to mexican yoga- whatever that is. about 7 hours ago

Barbara Walters
I am feeling great. about 1 month ago

A month ago? I need an update for my chart.

Paris Hilton
What a fabulous day! Great game! Now back to the hotel for a nap and massage before dinner. :) about 5 hours ago

Randy Jackson
Yo.. Thanks for all the cupcakes

Kim Kardashian | on a plane...
Frozen Hot Chocolate! I'm in heaven!!! about 1 hour ago

Thanks. Just HAD to know that.

Kathy Griffin
Thx u guys! Wait for it...Watch D List Tuesday, get tix 2 come c me on tour, buy my book on pb, buy Maggie's book "TIP IT", call EMMY VOTERS 34 minutes ago

Shameless!

Conan O'Brien | Los Angeles
Today's the 25th anniversary of "Back to the Future" - The movie that popularized DeLoreans, Flux Capacitors, & almost nailing your own mom. about 2 hours ago

I don't follow Jay Leno.

Nicole Richie
Just saw my dad "Shakirrrra" on stage. Someone throw me in a dark hole, Im MORTIFIED! Dad you're embarrassing me! about 16 hours ago

Lauren Conrad
For celebrity living at a fraction of the price, check out LivingSocial!

Jessica Simpson | Los Angeles, CA
O HAPPY DAY!!!! about 7 hours ago

This is why you need to follow her.

The Real Paula Abdul | Los Angeles, CA
This is the only July 3, 2010 that you'll ever live, so make it a phenomenal one! xoxoP about 2 hours ago

Hey, it may be insipid but she did get the date right.

Katy Perry/ under a palm tree
Happy birthday to the biggest goat/witch ever lived,

Huh? What?

The actual script for our first MASH

This turned out to be the most important script of our career. It was our first MASH ("Out of Sight/Out of Mind") and it really put us on the map. I'd say honestly that 90% of our writer's draft made it to this shooting script.

So here it is, in its original form. You can read it here.

Many thanks to friend of the blog, Matt Barnett for discovering and sharing this pdf file.

If I could write on any show...

Happy Indie Day. Here are some Friday questions to read in the Emergency Room if you’re planning on using home fireworks this weekend.

Brian starts us off:

What show past or present would you have loved to have written for and is there a show you would turn down?(if you were fortunately enough to be able to turn down work).

I would have killed to have written for THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW. Also BILKO. When David Isaacs and I were breaking in, the holy grail was THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW. They filmed at the Radford lot in the valley. David’s apartment was in Studio City so we would write our specs there and on the way to lunch drive by the MTM stage and say, “We’re coming, Mary!”

Today’s shows: Maybe MODERN FAMILY and DEXTER but that’s kind of a cheat because they’re essentially the same show.

Early in our career we would turn down nothing. We wrote back-up scripts for horrible pilots; we didn’t care. It was work.

And then throughout our career we considered each project individually. There were a lot of factors. Did we like the show? Did we feel our sensibilities meshed with the show? Did we like the people we’d be working with?

The only time I would categorically turn down a project is if I knew I just didn’t understand it. David helped out on a pilot one night. It was an urban show written by white writers. And there was someone in the room whose job it was to take the jokes and turn them into Ebonics. To me that was completely nuts. Hire writers who understood that world and didn’t need translators.

And even then it depends on where you are in your career. Our first assignment remember, was a JEFFERSONS.

Steely Dan (apparently has taken time out from touring) asks:

Do you think that movies and television are two distinct mediums?

Yes, for one main reason: movies take forever to get made, TV shows don't. What I most love about television is that you can “serve it while it’s hot”.

Otherwise, production values on television shows can be as good or better than movies. Even though TV series are essentially serialized, we live in an age of sequels so you can see the same movie characters in five installments. Some movies even film concerts or plays in front of audiences so that’s similar to the multi-camera format in TV.

And the blurring continues as there are now movies of TV series and TV series based on movies.

And finally, from David:

You've said that you and David (Isaacs) verbally talk out the script you're writing and have an assistant in the room taking notes. Do you ever have a situation where the assistant throws out an idea or two? Is this one of those things that is frowned upon under all circumstances, or is it the type of thing where if the assistant has a good line, you're happy to have it?

Generally it is frowned upon but it depends on the relationship you have with the assistant. Along the way we’ve had three great ones – Lana Lewis, Sue Herring, and Ruth Horne. Not only did we value their opinions, we sought them out. Rarely would they pitch “jokes” but sometimes they did and sometimes they got in.

There were other assistants we had that would have lasted a lot longer had they just let us do the talking… even a little.

But Lana, Sue, and Ruth we adored.

One time we were rewriting JEWEL OF THE NILE with Ruth taking the dictation. We were stuck on a story point. Jack (Michael Douglas) was trying to rescue Joan (Kathleen Turner) who was held prisoner in a tower. We pondered for about ten minutes over whether he’d enter this certain chamber, would he be expecting guards and look for a different route, and if so what would that route be, and would there be guards there too? Back and forth, back and forth we went on this issue until Ruth finally just said (as she wrote it down), “Jack enters!” We said, “Okay” and went on from there.

What’s your question? Happy 4th. Don’t blow your fingers off lighting fireworks.

Is King Tut's Penis Missing?

How's that for a grabber?

Happy to say I'm a contributing columnist to the HuffingtonPost. I love when one of my articles is on the front page ahead of Bill Clinton's and Jamie Lee Curtiss'. Better than the rants are the headlines. These are ACTUAL HuffPost headlines from just yesterday. I imagine some are still up.

Is King Tut's Penis Missing?

Chinese Companies 'Renting' White People

Amazing mice learn to SURF

Loveless Chinese Troops Banned From Online Dating

Tiger Woods Attends Daughter's Birthday Party With Another Woman

Cops Mistook Lohan's Cocaine For Breath Mint

Kelly Ripa Pounds An Ice Cream Sundae

Is Glenn Beck The Publishing Industry's Biggest Hope?

Kourtney Kardashian Defends Cosleeping With Her Son

Jeremy Piven Drops His Phone In Toilet At Sushi Restaurant

Death Rays, Sniper Rifles, And Blenders: The 5 WEIRDEST Ways To Destroy The New iPhone

Phillie Phanatic SUED By 75-Year-Old Woman

Marilyn Monroe X-Rays Auctioned: A Breach Of Medical Privacy?

Oil Spill-Inspired Video Game Pokes Fun At Palin, Lets You Fight The Leak

The National Anthem... and this goes for you too, Canada

A recent email I received from reader Corrine:

I have a request.

I think my favorite post of yours is The National Anthem. In fact, I dug it out last night to show a friend after a discussion on our Canadian Anthem last night. Though written for the US anthem, the sentiments could easily apply here as well.

In honor of Canada Day, July 1st, (and, of course, the US celebrations July 4th) could you please repost The National Anthem on July 1st?I spend every night at Dodger Stadium hosting Dodger Talk on KABC radio. That means that every night I’m treated to a different version of the National Anthem. I think I speak for the hundreds of millions of Americans who attend sporting events each year when I say to the performers…

The National Anthem is not a five-minute blues number.

It is not a Mariah Carey overwrought teen power ballad complete with runs and riffs and “yeahs” inserted in the middle. Whitney did it. You will never top it. Don’t try.

The National Anthem is not a song that needs a “hook”. Or your own “personal signature”.

It is not a sultry torch song. Do not use it to impress the chicks. The Star Spangled Banner is not catnip for horny women.

It is not opera. If you need to wear a Viking helmet to get in the mood, rethink.

Nor is it the Grand Ole Opry. Does Yankee Stadium look like a barn dance to you?

Yo! The National Anthem is also not a hip-hop jam. Do not sample “Happy Together” in the middle of it. Do not shout out “Clap your hands, y’all!” when you’re near the end.

It is not meant to be whistled, beat boxed, played on spoons, washboards, ukuleles, kazoos, or sung in Klingon.

The Rat Pack is dead. So should be all versions of the Star Spangled Banner that swing. Francis Scott Key did not envision finger popping and nowhere is the word “kookoo” in the lyrics.

And speaking of the lyrics – LEARN THEM. It’s “perilous fight” not “perilous night”, not “perilous flight”, not “perilous twilights bursting in air”.

The song has an actual melody. Just come close to it…even occasionally. That’s all I ask.

And finally, stop Stop STOP STOP trying to hold the last few notes forever. You’re not stirring. You’re a car alarm that won’t turn off.

The National Anthem is arguably one of the hardest songs to perform. But done well it’s also one of the most powerful. Just sing the friggin’ song.

And let us get on to “play ball!”.

My botched attempt at a summer romance

More from my growing up in the 60s in LA book. Take the Way-back machine to the summer of 69.

I started going out with Rhonda. She lived in Philadelphia and was just out here staying with relatives, one of whom was my friend Jay. Might this be one of those “summer romances” where you meet, fall madly in love, she goes home in September, you’re heartbroken, you remember her always, she forgets you the minute she enters the jetway? But you get laid so she may injure you like no woman ever has but screw it, you got what you wanted.

For date #1, I suggested we see EASY RIDER, a movie that had been getting a lot of buzz. The saga of two hippies (starring Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper) traveling across America had struck a real chord. The ending where rednecks shoot and kill them stunned and startled young audiences. It was the one “You’ve got to see this movie” movie of the summer. But Rhonda had no interest. So we saw her choice instead -- CHITTY-CHITTY BANG BANG starring Dick Van Dyke.

I got a goodnight kiss.

Since I knew that time was of the essence I decided to just pull out the stops for date #2. I offered to take her to Disneyland. That should be good for at least some hands-inside-the-sweater action. She didn’t want to go to Disneyland. She had already been there.

But she did want to go to Japanese Village and Deer Park.

What the fuck?!

L.A. had a number of animal-themed attractions back then. Jungleland was way out in Thousand Oaks. The most bizarre was Lion Country Safari. You’d drive around slowly while jungle animals roamed freely around you. Good idea to keep your windows up so the lions wouldn’t stick their heads in your car and eat your children.

In Buena Park, not far from Disneyland, was Japanese Village and Deer Park. This featured a Japanese-themed tranquil Zen-like atmosphere with gardens and koi ponds, and a tea house, and dove pavilion. Deer were allowed to wander. You can’t believe how crushingly boring this place was.

Another goodnight kiss.

For date #3 I suggested Lion Country Safari figuring I would roll down the window on Rhonda’s side of the car. But she wasn’t interested so there was no date #3.

Is it too weird to mourn the closing of a restaurant?

It’s not like you could argue that “it’s all for the best and it’s now gone to a better place”. If there is such a thing as heaven I imagine it’s pretty crowded already without closed restaurants and Montgomery Wards and muffler shops.

But it’s sad just the same.

Anna’s Italian restaurant on Pico Blvd. in West Los Angeles closed Sunday after 37 years of operation. The owners, Tony and Andy sold it to someone who is converting it to something else. I wish Tony and Andy both a long happy prosperous retirement. And at least they sold it and made a nice profit. Tony Soprano didn’t have to burn it down.

Anna’s was very much your neighborhood Italian joint. Homey red leather booths, caricatures of the waiters (many of whom have been there for over twenty years), the horrible Sinatra duets album playing (by that point I don’t think he even knew who the artists were he was singing with), and reasonable prices. Oh, and the food was delicious. They had a minestrone soup that was thick and unlike any other. Great sauces, great pizza, an anti pasta assortment in big wooden compartmentalized plates – what more could you want for God sakes?

When my partner David and I were on MASH, Alan Alda joined us one night for a rewrite. We got done about 8:30. David and I were diving for the Excedrin bottle but Alan was all revved up. So he suggested we go out to dinner at Annas’, which was about a mile from the studio. Anna’s had a good wine selection too (I learned that night).

Shortly thereafter TV GUIDE did a profile on Alan. In it he mentions that rewrite night and dinner at Anna’s. A few weeks later when the issue came out, Tony and Andy were blown away that their little restaurant was mentioned by name in a national magazine. From that day on I was like a God over there.

I’d walk in, Tony would greet me, remember my name, immediately show me to a table, and come around from time to time just to make sure everything was perfect. If you’re Jack Nicholson, that must happen to you in every restaurant you ever enter (except in Boston). For me, it was just this one.

Partly I guess I’m mourning just another reminder of the passage of time. Things we take for granted that will always be there suddenly are gone. I’m sure where you live a favorite haunt or store has gone away. I’m not a big believer in the afterlife – especially when it comes to commercial businesses. But someday, somewhere, I hope to order minestrone soup, take one sip, glance up to the heavens, and know that somewhere in the Great Beyond Anna’s is indeed there, watching over me, wanting to know if I want extra cheese.

Anna’s restaurant 1973-2010 Close in Peace,

the Ken Levine STAND IN LINE FOR YOU service!!

Today’s blog post is sponsored by… me.

Announcing the….

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Or you were one of those people who saw the news stories and said, “look at those idiots” and then in the next breath, “I wish I had a new iPhone”.

Well now you can! Now you stand in line while you sleep. Oh, you may say, “Why would I pay $1000 to get a $400 item?” And I would say to you, “Why stand in line for seven hours when you could wait a couple of weeks and just walk in at your leisure and buy one?”

This offer extends to movie lines. Sure, it’s a little steep to shell out a grand for a twelve dollar movie ticket but if you HAVE to see ECLIPSE the very first showing and it’s so important that you line up two days ahead, so what if you have to cash in your Savings Bonds and dip into your college fund? And we’re talking a movie here. Those things are apt to change from showing to showing. So if you waited say three days and went to a noon matinee when the theater would be completely empty God knows what you’d see? It’s not like a concert where they have a set song list written down on a piece of a paper.

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