Friday, February 24, 2006

A GINA weekend

Because of popular demand and a chance for me to take a break, it’s a “Gina weekend”. Today, boys and girls, it’s the scene where agoraphobic anal obsessive Hank (who can only eat the blandest foods and is allergic to everything including smoke) meets Gina for the first time. His friend Richie has arranged the dream date and is walking him to her door. Note: The goal here was to make Gina as SHOCKING as humanly possible. I wanted Hank’s head to explode. She needed to be the absolute opposite of everything he had always envisioned. So again, a hard R rating. But hopefully amusing.

******
INT. HALLYWAY/GINA'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER

They enter from the stairwell. Both are out of breath.

HANK
I'm here. I made it.

RICKY
You going to be okay?

HANK
Yes. Wow. For me to actually do this... Gina must truly be that one special person in my life.

RICKY
Congratulations. May she be as sweet and perfect as you imagine.

Ricky shakes his hand, hands him the flowers, and heads for the elevator. Hank crosses to her door. Ricky gives him one last thumbs-up as the elevator doors CLOSE. Hank takes one more deep breath then KNOCKS.

GINA (O.S.)
Coming.

Gina opens the door. And she's even more adorable and radiant than he had imagined. Even though she's just dressed casual. T-shirt, jeans, sweater around her neck.

GINA
Hi. Give me a second. I've just got to take this tampon out of my snapper.

HANK
What?

GINA
Come on in. You want a cigar?

HANK
(stunned)
Huh? No. No thank you.

He begins coughing.

GINA
Be right back.

Hank is completely thrown. He cautiously enters. She crosses to the bathroom passing a MACAW in a cage.

MACAW
You're a whore!

GINA
Shut the fuck up. (to Hank) He picks up little phrases he hears over and over.

She exits into the bathroom. Hank is beside himself.

HANK
You've been called a whore over and over?

GINA (O.S.)
Ah, much better. Baby can breathe.

He looks around. What the hell is happening here? She re-enters.

GINA
You don't get much sun, do ya? What was your name again? Casper?

HANK
Uh, no. Hank. Hank Niehaus.

GINA
(shaking hands)
Gina Trammell. Nice to meet you, Casper. (then) Are you shaking?

HANK
(covering)
No no. Just a little...chilly.

Gina takes a flask out of her purse.

GINA
You want a good stiff belt?

HANK
(completely flustered)
No, I uh don't drink.

GINA
(offering flask to bird)
You?

MACAW
Tampon in my snapper!

She laughs, takes a swig, then takes a big puff of the cigar that's on the coffee table. Hank coughs.

GINA
God, I love to suck Cubans.

Hank starts to slowly back towards the door.

MACAW
You're a whore!

GINA
Shut up! You're not my mom! (then) So, what's the plan? Dinner or a drink?

HANK
Well, I was thinking dinner, but a drink -- a really really fast drink is fine.

GINA
(considering)
Nah, let's eat. I had dinner but I could go again. Excuse me.

She crosses to the bathroom again. A beat then WE HEAR HER THROW UP. Hank wants out of there soooo bad.

MACAW
I left my wife for you!

An awkward silence then Gina, fully composed, re-enters.

GINA
Okay, so where to?

HANK
Well, I uh, er, made reservations at Burkhardts across the street. They supposedly make a wonderful chicken.

GINA
Oh, that place. Maybe in fifty years when we've both got walkers and are wearing diapers.

HANK
Then uh, well, where would you like to eat?

GINA
I dunno. Maybe Ghanian.

Hank hides his horror.

8 comments:

Adewade said...

Ricky is a jerk.

Ken Levine said...

Without question. His only reason for arranging the date is to get agoraphobic Hank out of his apartment so he can rob him.

Andres said...

snapper = priceless

"you're not my mom" <-- also priceless

the macaw lines are the best.

the ricky lines are a little awkward. actually, just the second ricky line.

i'm tellin you, love hewitt is a shoe-in for the role of gina.

Westacular said...

Ha! Good suggestion, andres. Watching Jennifer Love Hewitt give that tampon line... That would be surreal.

Rob Spalding said...

Reading these excerpts, it almost seems like somebody read the proposal for this, decided to tone everything down somewhat, and then made Along Came Polly.

Or is that just me?

emily blake said...

I am so not the audience for this film. Just watching Frasier screw up makes me uncomfortable. I think I'd shrink right into the floor watching Gina, no matter how funny it may be. And it is funny. But horrifying.

Al said...

I concur...the tampon in my snapper line is great. GREAT

Ken Levine said...

I was on the fence a long time about the "snapper" line. For awhile had a tamer line in there (I don't even remember what it was). But ultimately I thought, especially in this age of hard R AMERICAN PIE/SOMETHING ABOUT MARY type comedies to just go for it. And again, I wanted her to be the maximum JOLT when you first meet her.

Part of what make the line work is if someone like Jennifer Love Hewitt does it. It would be sooo unexpected and you'd immediately think "wow, she's a good sport".

Tomorrow's scene (the last I'll post, promise) is somewhat sweeter. Cracks of vulnerability do start appearing.