Friday, June 09, 2006

the Da Vinci Code

Saw the DA VINCI CODE. Now I can tell people I read the book.

No wonder it’s a big hit. Who needs action and suspense when you can have two hours of exposition? And at the end of the day it’s still confusing.

SPOILER ALERT FOR THE THREE PEOPLE WHO DON’T KNOW THE STORY AND STILL CARE TO:

Audrey Tautou is supposedly the last direct heir to Jesus Christ (and don’t you wish if this theory were true the last direct heir would really be Kellie Pickler???). So what was the secret society intending to do if they found her? Kill her? Force her to mate with Billy Graham? Bow down to her? Get her to host the 700 Club?

Audrey, by the way, looked scrumptious. She couldn’t be on the run from the “evildoers” in a thong? If nothing else it would’ve given Paul Bettany a reason to whip himself.

When you can replace the hero (Tom Hanks) with an audio-tour headset you haven’t serviced the lead character very well.

Since this was a movie about questioning faith, it would have been nice if the protagonists found themselves in a situation where their faith was challenged. Even once.

Plus, how much suspense can there be when Indiana Jones has already found the Holy Grail? And it was a cooler one, too. Nazis melt. This one sits under a gift shop.

Is there a French law that you can’t film a movie in Paris without casting Jean Reno?

There’s absolutely no surprise that Ian MacKellen turns out to be the villain. If he were playing Gandhi I’d be saying, “Watch out! He’s got a gun under that robe!”

Towards the end of the movie my mind drifted back to Paul Bettany’s self-flagellation scene and I thought, “Now I know how he felt.”

But regardless of what critics have said (those Godless heathens!) the DA VINCI CODE is such a runaway smash that the producers are rushing a prequel into production. In that movie Tom Hanks will uncover evidence that Audrey Tautou is also the daughter of Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, thus entitling her to 1/58th of his estate to be divided by all his children.

9 comments:

Stephen Gallagher said...

If he were playing Gandhi I’d be saying, “Watch out! He’s got a gun under that robe!”

Nah. He'd be merely pleased to see you.

Tenspeed & Brownshoe said...

Well let's see what happens when they make the virtually identical movie from a book, Angels & Demons.

Predictions:

Angels & Demons will be directed by either Brett Ratner, Sam Mendes, or Robert Zemeckis.

Tom Hanks will return. With a much shorter hair cut.

The girl/pseudo love interest will be played by someone you've never heard of.

The old man in the wheel chair will be Michael Gambon. Or that other guy that I always confuse with Michael Gambon.

It will suck. Not in a bad filmmaking sort of way but in a, "Why did we make this movie?" sort of way.

Tiago said...

Mr Levine,
Be attentive to the World's biggest sport competition:
Soccer world championship ;)

MsDee said...

Next movie will be directed by jerry bruckheimer and have the ultimate cheesy ending and kellie pickler will sing the theme song

love your blog

Zeno said...

I saw the movie before I read the book. That may be the better order in which to do it. The book had some really funny parts, like that business about the Golden Ratio and one's body proportions. I checked, and it seems I must be a grotesque monster. Pretty upset about that, naturally.

The Master said...

I'm still waiting for Gandalf to turn out to be the villain in "Lord of the Rings", but so far, he's still an extremely good guy. And so was James Whale the villain in "Gods & Monsters", because I've hero-worshipped James Whale for more than 40 years?
"Da Vinci", which should be spelled "da Vinci", means "of Vinci", which is the town where Leonardo was born, so the title is, well, illiterate. If it were investigating a mystery involving Joan of Ark, you wouldn't call it "The Of Ark Code". So it's hardly a surprise that the story is idiotic hogwash, when the title reveals an author who is historically uninformed.
Also, after 2000 years of reproduction, pretty much everyone would be a descendant of Jesus, not just one girl, however "hot". Hard to believe so many millions of people have wasted so much money on this tripe.

Kelly J. Compeau said...

Why is everyone so quick to dump on this movie/book? I liked both very much!

Tom Ehrenfeld said...

Actually, the Reno regulations are fairly new, a recent amendment of the French law decreeing that every movie include Gerard Depardieu.

Tom Quigley said...

From what I hear, the box office receipts for “The Da Vinci Code” have been so good that Ron Howard and Tom Hanks are already talking up a sequel, where Jesus and Mary Magdelene take their relationship to a corporate level, and go into business producing a line of fragrances... The name of the new film? “The Givenchy Code”… They figure people will be on the edge of their seats watching Jesus and the Divine Ms. M. develop such fragrances as “Essence of Lazarus,” “The Spirit is Willing,” “The Demon in Me,” “Breezes of Nazareth,” “Eternity,” (for which they’ll probably be hit with a big lawsuit by Calvin Klein) and of course, "The Passion" (for which they'll probably be hit with a big lawsuit by Mel Gibson)…. Naturally, due to the response from religious organizations to the current movie, Ron Howard’s already expecting some special interest groups to be upset by the new film, and they anticipate that movie theaters all over the country will be engulfed by thousands of perfume models gathering outside and protesting the new offering, telling filmgoers “Don’t see this film! It stinks! As a matter of fact, it stinks to High Heaven!” and then asking them if they’d like to sample the latest scent from Britney Spears…