The NEW YORKER has a contest where readers are invited to submit captions to cartoons. I’ve entered this several times, have never been chosen as a finalist and usually think the captions they do select are as lame as Bazooka Bubblegum comics.
But it gave me an idea.
As a grand experiment, I thought today I would institute a comedy writers’ punch line contest. Except I have nothing to give away and therefore don’t want to pick a winner. But I will offer some feedback to the entries.
This could either be a lot of fun or a colossal bust. Submit your entries in the comments section.
And just to make it more interesting, I’ll give you essentially the same set up for four different style shows. It’s not just writing jokes, it’s about tailoring to the characters and style of the show. Do as many or few of the shows as you want.
So here goes:
VERSION ONE: MY NAME IS EARL
Earl enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Earl says?????
VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Larry says?????
VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS
Doug enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Doug says????
VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY
Peter enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Peter says????
Have fun. Be funny.
33 comments :
Earl: Sweetheart, I think your list wins...
Peter: (over his shoulder) See honey, I told you T. J Hooker couldn't be in our bedroom...
MY NAME IS EARL
Earl (VO): Karma is a funny thing and so is Joy's sister. She musta finally heard I won the lottery, 'cuz she showed up to trade a piece of her for a piece of mine.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry: No, no. Absolutely not. Although.... Do you know how to make a Cobb salad? I'm feeling a tad peckish.
KING OF QUEENS
Doug: OK, where's the camera?
FAMILY GUY
Peter: Didn't you used to be on Diff'rent Strokes? Yeah, you were the tall brother.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM:
LARRY: Hi Candy. Comfy? Good. Now before we get down to it...I gotta ask. Are you a Republican?
FAMILY GUY:
PETER: Oh, ah gawd! Oh-ho man! Ah geez! Ha, ha man! Woo! Oh Meg! Good one! Ah that's just...priceless! Ah Meg. You jokester. You're a jokester.
EARL: Raylene, it's good to see you, but if you didn't get your braces off yet, I gotta pass.
CURB: Hi. Charlie Sheen's place is actually two doors down. Both Mediterraneans, though. Understandable mistake - happens all the time. (as she starts to get up) You know what? Why don't you take the sheets with you? They're Italian. Very soft. (beat) And the pillowcases. (beat) And the pillows.
KING: Is my wife under the covers with you oh dear God please say yes.
FAMILY: This reminds me of the time Richard Gere paid me a thousand dollars to spend the weekend with him in a fancy hotel suite.
cut to:
Richard Gere and Peter (dressed as Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman") in the lobby of the Regent Beverly Wilshire. Richard opens a jewelry box. Peter reaches in delicately to take the necklace. Richard snaps the box closed on his hand. But instead of laughing adorably like Julia did... PETER: "Ow! What the hell? You son of a bitch, that hurt!" RICHARD: "I'm sorry. I... I thought it would be cute. PETER: "Well, it was not, Richard. It was not."
Julie NAILED it. I was going to try but am now in awe, and would say we oughta stop right here.
When it's right, it's right.
FAMILY GUY - 3 punchlines
Peter: "Well, that's the last time we invite Charlie Sheen into our home."
Peter: "Huh. That's-- that's okay. I didn't really like those sheets anyway."
Peter: "Yeah, Lois would like me to ask you what your refund policy is."
Apologies to Julie for the Charlie Sheen copy. I hadn't refreshed the page and didn't see your post. Totally unintentional.
AND the sheets comments! You beat me to everything, didn't you? I swear I didn't read yours! Least I got one original...
EARL: Oh. Still here?
LARRY: Oh. Who are, who are--? no, you're a hooker, right? Okay, look, look here... I-I-I would, I really would, okay? Trust me. (HUSHED) You know? With the-- but I er-- yeah, seriously, I-I-I have no money. I'm out. I'm out. That's all... Sooo I'll turn around now, if you want me to, so you can, leave. Get dressed and leave... But if er, maybe some other time we can-- maybe if my wife sees sense and..divorces me, then we'll, we'll talk... But always stay safe..out there.
Earl: Hey Jolene. You know that's Randy's side, right?
Larry: Not in the bed. Out of the bed, not in the bed. You need to leave the bed, get out of the bed... (door slams) Under the bed. Under the bed. Under the... Hello.
Doug: Candy. Why are you lying in my bed? (beat) Arthur. Out. No freebies.
Peter: Lois! Come take a look at this - they're playing Rugby in here!
...OK, maybe that last doesn't travel well.
VERSION ONE: MY NAME IS EARL
Earl says "I'm here to...fix the cable."
VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry says: "I...uh...you don't...your legs there...I think I need to lie down. Would you mind scooting?"
VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS
Doug says "SIS?!"
VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY
Peter says "Lois! The hooker got loose again. And bring the big jar of Ben Gay this time."
Okay, let's give this a try. Larry: "Hey. How are you? That's great. Listen, there's clearly been a huge, monumental, terrible mistake here. Would that I could accept your hospitality, but I heard about the Paris Hilton video, and I'm getting that Rick Salomon vibe here all over again. Not sure the world is ready for an unexpurgated One Night With Larry video just yet. I'm going to have ask you to leave."
As she's getting dressed: "Just out of curiosity; how much?"
Yeah, too long I know.
EARL:
I thought you were a daytime hooker Patty.
LARRY:
can't beat julie or author x
VERSION ONE: MY NAME IS EARL
Earl enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed.
Earl: Mom, when did you get into town?
VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed.
Larry: Yeah, great, very exciting. Really. But, uh....could you come back after the game's over? And, by the way, the hour starts then. Okay?
VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS
Doug enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed.
Doug: Hi, Carrrie, you're home early.
VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY
Peter enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed.
Peter: Honey! Come upstairs! Marge Simpson's here!
The previous posts are filet mignon with truffles... I offer a little cheese whiz on crackers...
EARL: Hey, Crabman! I thought you FORGOT my birthday. Add a beer, we got us a perfect day.
CURB:Cheryl!!!! Was Richard Lewis here today???? I think he forgot to take something with him.
KING:Carrie! You didn't tell me your cousin Rosalie was here!
FAMILY:soooo... are you really bad? Or did they just draw you that way?
Earl (VO): I’ve heard some of those fancy motels leave mints on your pillow. Mine leaves candy.
Earl: Nice to see ya again, Candy. Sorry, but Doc Hogue says I gotta cut back on sweets...and Chlamydia.
MY NAME IS EARL
Earl enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Earl says: “Isn’t this a coincidence? You’re number 69 on my list.”
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Larry says:
Larry – “I know you, don’t I? Yeah, didn't you used to date Richard Lewis?”
Hooker – “I was his agent.”
Larry – “Money’s better now, huh?”
KING OF QUEENS
Doug enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Doug says: “You’re not the maid Carrie hired, are you?” (steps out, beat, steps back in) “Because that outfit really threw me for a second there.”
FAMILY GUY
(I’m adding to the set-up. Just before this scenario, Peter said, “This reminds me of that time I found a hooker in my bed.”)
Peter enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Peter says: “For the last time: No Cybill Shepard! I cannot get you another show on TV. No one has that kind of power. Not even Superman.” (cut to another flashback)
Peter says...
"Cleveland, what are you doing here?"
King Of Queens:
Doug walks in and sees the hooker.
"Carrie, did you give your father back his credit card?!"
Nobody's gonna top Julie's, but I'll do my best. I'll just stick to EARL:
"I'm sorry, Mrs. Dawlrymple, but you've got the wrong room again. Bling Dawg is next door."
Earl:
It's tempting, but with my karma, I'd get chlamydia.
King of Queens:
Doug: Arthur's paying you to...you know?
Hooker: Yes.
Doug looks out the door. Takes a couple steps to the bed
Doug: How much to see your...
He mimes boobs with his hands.
Curb:
Larry enters, holding two glasses of champagne. He stops short.
Larry: Oh. You're already on the bed. You have underwear on, right? It's just that those are new sheets.
Family Guy:
Peter: How many times do I have to kill you?!
He pulls out a gun and shoots her. Until the gun goes click.
Earl:
I'm not paying you for the minutes you spent putting your teeth in.
Larry:
If you're the new maid you better make the bed before you leave.
Doug:
You're very nice but i'm really more interested in the cake you crawled out of.
Earl: (VO) I've learned that when you do good things, the Universe rewards you back.
(Looking to the heavens) I 'preciate the sentiment, but I thought we agreed on Asian twins.
The lines I would use...
VERSION ONE: MY NAME IS EARL
Earl enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Earl says, "Mom?"
VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Larry says,"Clearly, you are merely a representation of something. I have no idea what. (beat) Do you?"
VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS
Doug enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Doug says, "Oh... hello there. (turning to door) CAAAARRIE!!"
VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY
Peter enters his bedroom to find a hooker in his bed. Peter says, "(calling out the door) Honey, we're Catholic again. (looks up) Thanks, man."
Man, Julie's was spot on. I was only going to do Family Guy since it's the only show I watch regularly enough. The nice thing about Family Guy is that there are so many ways you could go with a setup like that. The way I would play it is...
Peter enters the room to find a hooker in his bed. He stops and stares blankly at her for a moment. Then another.
PETER: Not tonight, Lois, I have a headache.
He turns off the light and we hear him climb into bed next to the hooker.
Dammit, Ken. I've got a whole scene in my head now. But luckily for you, you just asked for punchlines so that punchline (which is really part of another setup) is all that I'm writing.
JULIE WINS.
EVERYONE STOP POSTING.
--Tenspeed
Thanks for the kind words, you guys. As one of the many, many sitcom writers in L.A. out of a job this year (for the first time in eight years in my case), it's nice to know someone out there still thinks I can write! You really made my day.
Julie
VERSION TWO: CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry says:
Somewhere this has gone horribly wrong. All the hookers in Los Angeles and I get the one with the penis. And would it have killed you to shave? This is a disaster.
VERSION THREE: KING OF QUEENS
Doug says:
This is either the best birthday present ever, or I need to stop eating furry cheese.
VERSION FOUR: FAMILY GUY
Peter (talking into phone):
Hey Jesus, it’s Peter, listen, you are NOT going to believe who’s in my bed…a hooker! Anyways Jesus, could I borrow your shovel?...uh huh...uh huh.....uh huh…say that again?...Oh, “is she dead?” thought you said something else there, wow...(Looks over the hooker who is not dead) That's a “no,” not dead...really? That's what you would do?...Me? I had a totally different call on this one. (Peter hangs up the phone, turns to the hooker and in a very business like manner says) Ma'am I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Alright here's mine. I just want to let you know that yeah, I'm Jewish and I'm probably going to hell after this joke. And we Jews don't even believe in hell. So, let me just apologize in advance.
FAMILY GUY:
PETER walks into his bedroom to see a hooker in bed with LOIS.
PETER: Holy crap! This is almost as awkward as the time I went on a soul searching camping trip to Auschwitz!
CUT TO: INT. INCINERATOR ROOM
PETER roasts sausages in the furnice when two elderly Jews enter and gawk.
PETER: Oh hi. I was wondering if you can help me out. I think there's something wrong with the showers in this place. I don't know maybe someone didn't pay the water bill this month cause there's...there's nothing coming out. I mean really what kind of camp are these people running over here?
Earl (V.O.): Number one-forty-seven: told the only girl who ever had a crush on me that she was a dirty whore.
Larry: That reminds me -- what did the hooker give the Jew to make him climax? A receipt.
Doug: Fifty's a little steep. How much to wear this oven mitt and whisper "baked ziti."
Peter: (on the phone) Hey Quagmire, it's Peter. What's that? I can barely hear you. Satellite phone -- where are you? Tibet? What the hell are you doing in Tibet? Really? More ass than a toilet seat? Wow. Good for you. Me? Oh nothing, just thought I'd call and say hi. So…hi (laughs). Anyway, give me a call when you get back into town…okay…see you later. Oh Quagmire, wait. I almost forgot, you're not going to believe this: there's a hook-- (knock on the door)
Quagmire (O.S.): Giggity.
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
Larry: Quick question for you. Pimps. Pro or con?
LARRY
(pause)I, I thought you ment help you with paperwork I really didn’t… Wow, you must be doing incredibly well to have Dr. Weiz do your teeth.
DOUG
Unless my wife put you up to this I am totally not down with this sort of thing. Did… my wife…(RE: her head shake) just checking.
PETER
Wow, a hooker, in my bed. I feel like Jimmy Swaggart.
Ken:
Hope it is not too late to chime in:
Larry says:
“Omigod. What year is this? Do I still have time left on the 10 year exception?”
Doug says:
“Make yourself at whore…I mean at home.”
Earl says:
“Hmm…did I pay for the ‘gas’ but forget to fill up?”
Earl says:
"Do you give just-got-out-of-prison discounts?"
Doug says:
"Uh, hello, but I asked Carrie for a screw-driver."
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