Monday, October 30, 2006

Happy Halloween

I must admit I never got into those slasher movies. Seems to me they’re all the same story. The popular kids who were too good to ever go out with you in high school all frolic off to a cabin for some holiday and some disfigured skeesix in a goalie’s mask terrorizes and one-by-one graphically slices them up. Yes, it’s grizzly and horrible but isn’t that sorta what they deserve? Would it kill them to agree to dance with us just once??

Then there’s a sequel where the ones that survived go BACK to the cabin. You’d think maybe they’d hit the MTV beach house the next winter break instead?

And there’s always the backstory explaining how the psychopath became a killer…such as he was a bed wetter or flunked out of Benhinana Chef school.

I have what I believe is a great idea for a slasher movie. I’m sharing it because I’ve had it registered (in other words, you can’t steal it!!!). But it seems to me the key to this genre is creating a truly terrifying slasher. My idea is to hire Gordon from SESAME STREET as the psychopath. Can you imagine how disturbing THAT would be to anyone who grew up with that show?

“You didn’t eat your vegetables!” “AAAAAAAA!!!” Slice! Hack!

“Can you spell ‘help’?” “H-E-L-AAAAAAAAAAA!!” Stab! Slit!

“One of these limbs is not like the others!” Chop!

“Today I’m brought to you by the letters D.O.A.!!”

I can hear the screams now. Freddie and Jason and Chucky, eat (or cut) your hearts out. Plus, I’ve got the sequel all storyboarded. Only this time it’s Maria.

Happy Halloween, kids.

18 comments:

Great Big Radio Guy said...

Saw III? Neither did I.

Thankyew. G'Night!

Herb Popsfarter said...

Oooh yeah... and he commands an army of demonic puppets - who hold the victims down and snicker like Ernie as he plunges the blade deeply into their esophagi. While Bob hangs filleted on the wall next to the blood scrawled words..."Not like the others"

Geez... did I just write that?
Waiter! An order of psychoanalysis to go, please. ;)

Ken Rasak said...

So Maria is a knife-wielding psychopath? Makes sense.

Richard Jensen said...

I smell a "Treehouse of Terror" episode!!

The Master said...

Sure, it's easy for you lib'rals to write yet another, tiresome anti-slasher tirade. Obviously you are a bunch of slash-and-run advocates. I read this blog to learn about who was a sonofabitch on MASH & CHEERS, not to have my pro-slasher sentiments insulted by baseball fans.
Would you prefer that Freddy Krugar was still in power? Huh? Just answer the question.
You know, when you support anti-slasher candidates, the kids who had sex in the cabin win.
I'm never reading this blog again.

Ken Levine said...

To the Master,

GREAT comment. I guess we're just a country divided of red blood states and blue blood states.

The Master said...

Thanks. I'd be flattered if I'd read your response, but I didn't because I'm never reading this blog again. I mean it this time.

Gary Mack said...

Happy Halloween and Happy Blog-anniversary Ken.
A year ago your first post got all this started, so on behalf of all of your other addicted fans, THANK YOU!

Anonymous said...

That would be like having Mr. Rogers show us how to cook humans.....

"Can you say Fava Bean?"

thethirdcoast said...

I'd like to second the happy blog-Anniversary, Ken. Great stuff!

Anonymous said...

I'm onboard and ready to produce the follow up movie,
SLASHER GORDON VS EVIL ERNIE

Slubgob said...

That would be like having Mr. Rogers show us how to cook humans.....

Well, that puts the song "It's You I Like" in a whole new light, doesn't it?

Julie O. said...

Jesus, Ken... that's messed up.

Pitch it with Cap'n Kangaroo and his evil minion, Mr. Greenjeans. That, I'd buy.

Anonymous said...

I'm looking forward to seeing George Wendt as a psycho killer tonight on the SHOWTIME "Masters of Horror" show. From the promos I gather that Norm gets really pissed after a missed beer delivery!

Toby said...

I'd like to see Bruce Campbell as Ash Morgan take his chainsaw through a gaggle of Muppets on 'Sesame Street'. "Felt's back on the menu, boys!"

I always thought the perfect way to screw up some little kid's head was to show him an episode of 'Blue's Clues' with the original guy Steve, and then suddenly cut to the scene in 'Homicide: Life On The Street' where that same actor is found dead in a high school locker room shower.

Sorry, Junior. Steve's dead. Time for bed!

Anonymous said...

“Today I’m brought to you by the letters D.O.A.!! Love that!

Paul Duca said...

It WOULD be scary...as the actor who played Gordon HAS gone to the Other Side.

blogwriter said...

From what I here, the rumours of stdio 60's cancellation has been widely exagerrated. Although that just might be false hope.