AMERICAN IDOL FINALE

At least this year’s AMERICAN IDOL FINALE featured music numbers and actual entertainment. Sure, there was as much suspense as watching the Yule Tide Log but at least the show wasn’t padded with scenes of Simon in the make up chair, Paula walking it off, and former contestants now turned hard news correspondents reporting from filled arenas where thousands of people with no lives assembled because one drunk yelled “tailgate party!”

IDOL is tape delayed here in Hawaii. No wonder there hasn’t been a Hawaiian finalist since season 3. The polls close two hours before they can vote. (and half of them would still be voting for Jasmine Trais while the other half would vote to repeal statehood.)

Was there ever any doubt Jordin was going to win? Especially after she and Blake both had to sing that cringeworthy “This is My Now” power ballad. I do think there’s a place for that song though. It should be playing on an endless loop in Jerry Falwell’s casket for all eternity. And Chris Richardson should record it.

Randy Jackson wore his formal majorette jacket to mark the enormity of the occasion. As William Faulkner might describe Randy: "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." Sorry, dawg, just keepin’ it real.

Meanwhile, over on the season finale of LOST, Kate is strapped naked to a big wooden wheel about to be sacrificed... but back on IDOL Blake Lewis and two beatboxers are doing mouth farts into microphones.

So she wouldn’t forget to take her used bedding to the cleaners, Gwen Stefani wrapped them in a ball and attached it to the back of her dress.

Notice how the Top 12 was used very sparingly unlike previous years? No big Top 12 production numbers that felt like the best of H.R. Puffenstuff.

Kelly Clarkson is the American Idol’s American Idol. The others are just her backup singers. I loved Carrie Underwood’s dress. She could go from the prom to bailing hay in five minutes. Poor Rubin Studdard didn’t even get a solo.

This is the first season there hasn’t been a finalist from the south. Hopefully America has learned its lesson after selecting that grey haired buffoon who has been nothing but a joke and disappointment. Same goes for Taylor Hicks.

Taylor's brown jacket was from Aunt Tillie’s couch. He sang “Give Me Some Slack”. Katharine McPhee is singing “Give Me the Title”.

Six months from now it all begins again. Predictions that the ratings will drop, stadiums filled with the great unwashed, six nights of deluded idiots with big targets on their chests all hoping to be the next Kelly Clarkson or even better, William Hung. The judges looking stunned for the ten millionth time. Great guest judges like Englebert Humperdink and Tiffany. Then Hollywood week. Kids who in a few weeks will be asked to perform live for thirty million people can’t remember the words to “Rockefeller Skank” when singing for three. Late night hissy fits when they’re put into groups of four and given the almost impossible task of preparing the first stanza of the “Shoop Shoop Song” for tomorrow. Then two nights of eliminating groups and individuals, and watching kids with bad teeth cry. And after all that (with five added “re-cap” shows) we’re left with the top 24, 15 of which can’t sing. Thank God we’ve got the summer tour (150 cities in 49 days), CD, Ryan will be on E! 24 hours a day even being featured in the E! TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY of Kristy MacNichol, Haley will be in PLAYBOY, Antonella will be in SHAVED, and Sanjaya as the new co-host of THE VIEW to hold us over.

Meanwhile, on LOST, they’ve discovered Amelia Earhart. But back on IDOL this insane woman in a big bird dress is on stage kissing Ryan.

You voted, didn’t you? Come on. You did.

Maybe it’s because I’m in Hawaii but there’s a wooden tiki at the hotel that looks just like Smokey Robinson now. I don’t think Jack Lord had that much face work done. I loved the medley with Smokey and the six groomsmen.

Melinda Doolittle out sang LaKisha AND Gladys Knight.

No, I will not be recapping SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE?

Teri Hatcher is probably firing her manager because Jerry Springer got more audience reaction shots than she did.

Checking out LOST again, a subway system is discovered under the island that leads to…but wait, back on IDOL some nimrod is trying to sing “Silent Night” to the back row without a microphone.

I was surprised Forest Whittaker wasn’t at the Kodak Theatre still giving his Oscar acceptance speech. He’d be up to Paul Robeson.

Highlight of the night for me was Tony Bennett. Fortunately, not in that yellow jacket. He’s also quite the painter. In fact, they sell his work at a gallery here in Wailea. I’m not joking – the sign out front says paintings by
TONY BENNETT
DAVID BOWIE
Picasso (yes, in smaller letters)
And others.

Speaking of “Others”, back on LOST, in addition to the “Others” a new group has emerged, the “Us Too’s”. Oh, but on IDOL a guy who looks like Tweedle Dee and Steve Buscemi’s evil twin are on stage getting an award.

This season Jewel was an audition round celebrity judge. Next year she’ll be an audition round auditioner.

I loved the African Children’s Choir. Send them out on tour and leave the Top 12 home.

Oh no! On LOST, Sawyer has somehow just given birth, but on AMERICAN IDOL, Clive Davis is droning on endlessly about God knows what – song writers and Chris Daugherty and how he discovered the Fifth Dimension – I dunno. And he’s giving Carrie Underwood some award no one has ever heard of.

Gee, I wasn’t laughing at that Kelsey Grammer/Patty Heaton promo for their new sitcom. “Your nails are so long. It’s like there’s a falcon on my wrist!” Uh oh!!! I had the same feeling watching that as I did seeing Sanjaya sing with Joe Perry. And by the way, Sanjaya, let’s just say it. You’re singing is awful and that outfit looked better on Carrie Underwood.

Bette Midler must have bronchitis or something. She was not on her game. And yet, she still managed to command the audience without a single big bird suit.

The Sgt. Pepper tribute was great but weren’t you sort of hoping that as a big surprise, Paul McCartney would appear? Chris Sligh is not the same thing. Paul’s paintings are also available at that Wailea gallery. But I’m still holding out for one of Red Skelton’s clowns.

74,000,000 votes. 60,000,000 for Jordin. 13,500,000 for Blake. And 500,000 for Jasmine.

Highlights of the year: LaKisha singing “You’re Going to Love Me”, Sanjaya getting hair tips from Diana Ross, Antonella’s internet pictures (if only the winner was determined by downloads not votes), J-Lo giving singing advice, Haley’s legs, shots of Jordin’s father playing in the NFL alongside Fantasia, $70 million raised for charity, everything about Chris Sligh but his singing, the shot of me in the audience, Gina singing “Paint It Black”, Simon’s utter SHOCK at learning there were poor people in America (Spago always seems so crowded when he’s there), Paula breaking her nose tripping over her little dog…er, Corey Clark, Elliott Yamin’s dental work, Phil Stacey on country night, Blake Lewis taking chances (good and bad), Jordin’s “I, Who Have Nothing”, and Lulu needing the “Jaws of Life” to pry her out of that dress.

Someday the phenomenon will run its course. AMERICAN IDOL will hang on one year too long. Fewer people will apply. Stadiums will be empty. Ryan will be standing outside the Altoona Hilton begging people to come in off the street and audition, eventually having to offer T-shirts. Paula will have a stroke that goes unnoticed. Guest mentors will include Gary Lewis, Harvey Feinstein, and Bucky Covington. Ryan will be showing off his new face and neck. Hollywood week will be held at the Universal 32 Cineplex, theater 31. Once they go to the much smaller Idoldome (Santa Monica City College studio D), one family and set of friends will have to double for several contestants. They’ll get killed in the ratings by FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS. Their charity event will be so disappointing there will need to be a cents column on the tote board. The final night will be held at Wilshire Blvd. Temple. The big moment will arrive. Ryan will say, “America has spoken, and after 45,000 votes, Apple Paltrow-Martin, you are the next American Idol!”