AMERICAN IDOL this week

Down to the final three which means the obligatory hometown hero salutes. I thought they were a little muted this year. A few seasons ago the entire state of Florida showed up for Vonzell Solomon’s parade. Today she goes downtown and finds a Denver Boot on her car.

But at least all three this year did receive hometown salutes. Not like last season when poor Katharine McPhee from Sherman Oaks, California had to settle for a assembly in her high school gym. I think they gave her the key to the sports equipment locker. You just know the bell rang and everyone cleared out for lunch, knocking Katharine over to get to that macaroni and cheese at the cafeteria.

My big question of the week is how did they determine the order of who sang when? Seems that whoever gets the pimp spot (last) has the greatest advantage. My Idol history is hazy but it seems to me whoever sings first is dead. Last year Elliott and before that Kimberley Locke and Vonzell “$200 to get my car back?” Solomon. On the other hand, is it best to be first because the only phone number most idiots can remember is 01?

You figured Blake would be second, between the two women.

Remember: It’s okay to watch AMERICAN IDOL and obsess over your favorite as long as YOU DON’T VOTE. Once you pick up that phone you become one of the Pod People. All that’s left for you is killing.

Jordin sang first. Simon picked the one R&B song he knew, “Wishing on a Star” by Rose Royce. It’s a song that didn’t even chart the Hot 100. And then Simon complained that he missed the original arrangement. Jordin could have had bagpipes and zithers playing behind her and most viewers would have thought that WAS the original arrangement. Simon definitely wants Melinda to be in the finals, figures Blake is in regardless because of his fan base, so he subtly tried to submarine Jordin, both with a bad song selection and chickenshit reasons to criticize her.

Paula, on the other hand, was just so happy that her mood elevator took her to the top floor that she loved everyone this week and even thought that Haley gave her best performance.

Lucky Blake got two local salutes. One in his hometown of Bothell, Washington and another in Seattle. Hey, it’s not like these people get out to salute their World Champion Mariners every year.

I thought Blake’s version of “Roxanne” by the Police was mediocre at best. He hit four or five really flat notes. But he had the best finish all year – when he slammed the mic stand on the ground and the mic went flying. I was only hoping it would land on the judges’ table and Paula would scream, “AAAAA!! A SNAKE!!!”

Melinda was spectacular doing one of those Whitney Houston songs that sound like every other Whitney Houston song and has “I Believe” in the title.

Simon asked Ryan if he was drunk yet never asked Paula if she was on laughing gas.

For Jordin’s second song, “She Works Hard for the Money” she came out wearing “Come Vote For Me” pumps that made her look 6’5”. I thought she sang it great, but there was nothing flashy about the song. Submarine number two (this time by the producers). Maybe submarine number three if singing first proves to be the death slot.

Blake gave his best performance on Maroon 5’s, “This Love”. It’s as if Bobby Darin came back as a beatboxer.

Melinda was given the totally unremarkable “Nutbush City Limits” to sing next. If the producers wanted to give her a Tina Turner song there are like a thousand better ones they could have chosen. Even “Ooh Poo Pah Doo” or “I Can’t Believe What You Say (For Seeing What You Do)”.

Boy, those viewer questions were searing, weren’t they? “What’s your all-time favorite song?” Zzzzzzzzzzz. Miss America candidates have to tackle tougher issues. Of course I’m just mad that they didn’t use the question I sent in. “Jordin, if you weren’t allowed to use lethal injections, how do you think we should kill death row inmates?”

Jordin and Melinda both chose to reprise songs they had already sung for their final numbers. This is usually where you hear “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” for the ninth time. Jordin did her British Invasion tune, “I, Who Have Nothing” and I, who still won’t vote, thought it was the performance of the night. Simon, of course, complained that it was an old song. He was fine, however, with Melinda singing the old Peggy Lee 1963 chestnut “I’m a Woman”. I was sure Paula was going to say, “Good song but you spelled woman wrong.” I did like that Melinda, a former backup singer, brought her backup singers on stage. Classy touch.

Blake, always the rebel, did not reprise one of past successes. He did “When I Get You Alone” and what he lacks in sheer vocal power he makes up for in showmanship. I’m telling you – Bobby Darin.

At this point it’s tough to pick who will get voted off. But it doesn’t matter. All three will get recording contracts. All three will launch careers. And for at least the next six months, all three will be able to park in loading zones in their hometowns without getting tickets.

And Kimberley Locke might get a second parade if she wins THE CELEBRITY FIT CLUB.