Okay, that’s it! Uncle! I give up. I’ve seen my last summer blockbuster for the season. Yawned at my last dazzling special effect. Given up trying to figure out what each superhero’s deal was (she can fly and he can turn water into jello? I’m so confused.) Slept through my last hundred million dollar big screen comic book.
SPIDERMAN 3 was bad enough but I made the mistake of sitting through FANTASTIC 4: THE SILVER SURFER. Now I hadn’t seen the first FANTASTIC 4 (opting for the more sophisticated ADVENTURES OF SHARK BOY AND LAVA GIRL instead) so I had no idea how seriously stupid this franchise was. I figured -- Jessica Alba in spandex for 90 minutes, how bad could it be?
This bad: I was rooting for the destruction of the planet.
So the FANTASTIC 4 is a team of superheroes. Aren’t the X-MEN and JUSTICE LEAGUE OF AMERICA the same thing? And what about HEROES? Or when Casper and Wendy the good little witch paired up? Hollywood originality in action again.
Jessica Alba’s power is that she can create force fields (big deal. Elisabeth Hasselbeck can do that just by opening her mouth.) and can become invisible. That’s really bright. Take the most beautiful girl on the planet and hide her.
She’s engaged to an ubernerd scientist, which seemed utterly absurd until I saw what his superpower was. Hey, if I could stretch my limb five feet I could get Jessica Alba too.
Michael Chiklis is Rock Man or Bad Acme Man, I dunno what. The kid from MASK with a tan the color of Robert Evan’s skin. And they’ve got him talking like Mongo in BLAZING SADDLES. “Me want to wallop him!” This is how he parlays his Emmy for THE SHIELD?
Finally there’s hunkalicious, Chris Evans who can fly when he says “Torch on!” Same as with Jessica, you hire this piece of eye candy and half the movie he’s just an exhaust flume.
To insure that the audience knew who the villain was, they hired Julian McMahon (the villain in everything he’s ever done) dyed his hair even blacker than it is, gave him arched eyebrows, had him screw his face into a permanent sneer, and gave him the subtle name Victor Von Doom. All that was missing was a “Cheney for President” button.
As for the Silver Surfer, if you’ve seen the trailer you’ve seen his whole act. His mission is to fly around wreaking havoc and it’s only at the end we learn he’s really John from Cincinnati.
Andre Braugher was also featured. You could almost see his price tag taped to his forehead.
Screenwriters bust their asses to create interesting characters, explore the human condition, make their audiences feel something. And most of their efforts remain unproduced or unsold while dreck like FANTASTIC 4 gets made. And I imagine FANTASTIC 4 MEETS THE LAWNMOWER MAN is already greenlit.
So that’s it for me. No more idiotic stories. No more infantile dialogue. No more cartoons. No more toys. TRANSFORMERS? Not a chance. DIE HARD? Not a cartoon per se but that's because Bruce Willis can no longer fit into a body suit. Pass.
I used to enjoy comic book movies. SUPERMAN, BATMAN, even the first X-MEN. But like every other successful genre, Hollywood has run it into the ground.
They can't kill Superman but they can kill the Golden Goose.
For the rest of the summer I’ll just sit home, download Jessica Alba photos from the internet and catch up on THE WIRE.