Monday, June 04, 2007

The Simple Life goes to camp


It’s now day three of Paris Hilton’s incarceration. She turned herself in after attending the MTV awards. How bad were the afterparties when jail was the preferred alternative? Like me, I hope you all have yellow ribbons tied to the old oak trees that must be in front of all your homes and apartments.

I wonder how this will compare to “camp”.

In case you haven’t seen it, there’s a new season of THE SIMPLE LIFE on the E! network. And if the premiere is any indication, it should be the best season ever. Since they’re now on episode two, if you missed the lid lifter, let me get you caught up.

First off, Paris and Nicole Richie finally kissed and made up. They met for lunch at a restaurant. It was like…so…weird. Paris brought a peace offering – a pair of sunglasses that made Nicole look like Spiderman. She was touched and really liked them. Paris said, “I know. I have such good taste.” Meanwhile, I kept waiting to see if Nicole was actually going to take a bite.

So with hatchets firmly buried, the stage was set for a new edition of THE SIMPLE LIFE.

This time they’re off to be “camp counselors”. The jolly camp director welcomed them and introduced two male counselors, both good looking guys. Awkward introductions then Paris put the lads at ease by asking, “Do you both have boners?” I swear, I’m not making this up.

Of course there was the obligatory scene of them being repulsed by the conditions, the skuzzy mattresses, lack of privacy, etc. I’m guessing the same scenario played out in jail Sunday night except Paris’ roommate wasn’t named Nicole, she was named Spike.

Then an old school bus pulled in depositing seven morbidly obese “campers”, no one under 350 pounds. This was a fat camp. Nicole Richie in a fat camp. You think I’m making this up but I’m not.

The surprises continue. The head of the program appears – Susan Powter. Remember her? The scary chick with the blond buzz cut who was on every informercial in the 90’s. The Tasmanian Devil of Diet. Now her hair is longer, her face is scarier, and her voice is deeper – approaching Darth Vader country. But she still has that gung ho energy that made me so nervous I wanted to eat an entire pie.

The campers have to dump all of the junk food they packed into a crate. From suitcases and duffel bags come enough cookies, chips, candy, soda, cheese whiz, and Twinkies to stock a large 7/11 or a small Costco. Susan puts the crate in a refrigerator, wraps a thick chain around it, padlocks it, and holds onto the key. Do you want to be the one to take it from her? Not me.

Nicole has a deep heart-to-heart with the campers, explaining that she doesn’t have an eating disorder. Three campers eye her hungrily. I fear for Nicole’s life by episode five.

Now comes Paris & Nicole’s first task. They have to help give the campers enemas. I SWEAR I’m not making this up! I’m not!

The campers lie on their sides and the girls have to lube and insert the tubes up uh, you-know-where. Never losing her sense of humor, Nicole is asked by one camper how big the tube is to which she replies, “the same size as your boyfriend.” We see the reaction of the campers during the application (“WHOOAAAAAAA!) and then follow them to an outhouse with walls that come up to their shoulders. A few of the campers are having trouble doing their er, business and Paris is there to encourage them, saying things like, “plop plop”. One of the guys seemed so thankful.

Reality television has officially hit an all-time low.

That night the campers were all given astronaut portions of healthy food for dinner and Susan Powter turned in, probably to hike in the dark and wrestle a coyote. The campers longed for their junk food. And responsible counselors that Nicole & Paris are, they decided to break into the refrigerator. But it wasn’t easy. It was out in a shed with that pesky padlock. Always resourceful, Paris came up with a plan. They stole the camp director’s truck, and tied the end of the chain to the trailer hitch. The thought here was to drive off and the chain would snap. Brilliant! Except…

The chain didn’t snap. The truck ripped the fridge out of the shed and dragged it bouncing and banging around the campgrounds. Whatever Fritos were inside now had to be dust. Sure enough, they made too much noise. The camp director busted them, threatening to call the police if they ever touched his truck again. Ultimately, is that what Paris is in for? She tried again to break into a refrigerator filled with Ding Dongs?

Okay, you’re now up to date. THE SIMPLE LIFE is probably on seventeen times every day. Grab a snack, and pull up a chair. It’ll help get you through those long days until Paris is free again.

28 comments :

Murph said...

Ken,

Sunset Tan, which follows The Simple Life, is far, far lower on the Circles of Television Hell scale.

But, to its credit, it was able to pull down a sweet cameo by funnyman Chris Kattan.

"funny" and "man" are not two words one might use to describe Kattan, I grant you, but compared to the sissy boys in Sunset Tan...

maven said...

Can't believe how low TV reality has sunk. Personally, I would never watch this (no matter how many times it's aired)! Apparently, Paris is experiencing the "simpliest" life now!

Mr. Hollywood said...

Thank God we all have 7000 HD channels on our DirecTV box's to watch all of this dreck ... on our 9 foot plasma TV screens!
Remember when we just had 3 networks on little black and white TV's and we got to watch shows like The Twilight Zone and Alfred Hitchcock Presents and The Honeymooners and Bilko?

Blarneyman said...

Ken, I have to disagree with you. That show sounds feckin hilarious.

Marvin Gardener said...

Sounds like every other friggin reality show to me. Since it's a reality show it's already as low as it can be, how could it be any lower?

Next season we'll see The Simple Life - Paris in Prison? Her incarceration is just a publicity stunt!

Daniel said...

David Ippolito, aka That Guitar Man from Central Park, has produced a video to his song "Free Paris" on YouTube. It's so funny. Here is the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XE2IeKiTQGo

Anonymous said...

Ken, it really hurts my brain to think that people as respected as you are watching this. Granted, it does sound funny, but still...

Do you realize what it's like for a young person trying to build a career in Hollywood to realize the writers he looks up to are watching Paris and Nicole at fat camp?

Graham said...

Ken watches so we don't have to! I don't watch much TV (not a snob, just don't have time), but I eagerly await Ken's writeup of AMERICAN IDOL and and rest.

Mary Stella said...

Please, Ken, promise me you'll watch tonight's opener of America's Got Talent. I know it will provide a mother lode of material. I'll get to laugh twice -- once at the show and then again at your blog. Last year the range of "talents" fascinated me. How does one discover that he is a phenomenal finger snappist and what motivates him to spend hours and hours developing the skill? Who knew that jugglers are so whiny?

Anonymous said...

"Do you both have boners?"

There's a pick up line I hadn't heard before...

It rather eclipses, "What's your sign?"

Ken Levine said...

I do check out these shows for the sheer absurdity of them.

Another way of looking at is that I'm falling on the grenade to save your life.

VP81955 said...

Ken Levine said...
I do check out these shows for the sheer absurdity of them.


And to figure out just how in hell these awful series killed (or seriously wounded) the sitcom genre.

Ken Levine said...

I may be delusional but I don't consider these bad cheesy cable reality shows a real threat to sitcoms. They're cheap programming asked to fill a lot of hours.

Remember THE SIMPLE LIFE started on Fox and even after its initial splash Fox saw there was no long term benefit for it.

A bigger threat to sitcoms is network presidents who don't believe in them and instead spend much money than sitcoms would cost to make bad drama shows.

RAC said...

Maybe Nicole will get hired as a prison guard at Paris's county jail and try to bust her out with the refrigerator trick... Without sitcoms like the Andy Griffith show setting up these stereotypical "jail break" scenarios long, long ago, the reality shows wouldn't have anything to shoot. Speaking of shooting, I say we let Barney Fife use that one lonely bullet he keeps in his pocket - to symbolically kill the tv. Long live the sitcom!

James said...

Ken, the girls were just trying to get some food over to their friend Lindsey Lohan over at the Promises Rehab Clinic. How could anyone fault them for that. Their like modern day Robin Hood's.

HouseFrau said...

I love my trashy TV. I am an American Idol junkie. I even watch "The Hills." But I really wish we wouldn't watch or even discuss this show. Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie are so awful. Not awful in a so-bad-it's-good-way. Awful in a we-all-lose-IQ-points-and-moral-character-everytime-we-speak-their-names way.

I have a young daughter and I HATE HATE HATE that these women get any publicity at all.

The only time I appreciated a mention of Paris Hilton was in the South Park episode where they pointed out how Paris is worshipped by young girls because she is a complete slut.

Mary Stella said...

Ken wrote:
Another way of looking at is that I'm falling on the grenade to save your life.

As prime time rolls around, Ken, do you swear to return with your shield or on it? *g*

I feel guilty sacrificing you to watch a show that I refuse to turn on. It should be called The Simpleton Life.

benson said...

I am reminded of a Dick Orkin ad for the RAB.

Interviewer: So what do you like on the television?

Old Man: A goldfish bowl...maybe bowling trophy...

brian t said...

Did I miss a meeting? That must be it...

Melissa said...

thank you for the synopsis. Now I never have to watch it. Your blog is a public service to all.

Todd Mueller said...

The Amish are soooo right. They've got to be laughing at us under those big, black, highly unfashionable hats.

Will Teullive said...

Paris comments on the first 24 hours in the big house...

"I put on that nasty orange jumpsuit. It is waaay too big for me!! All these prison bitches are fat as hell; luckily I packed peach lipstick, so my face will still look good even though my clothes don’t. I told the guards I’m 5’8” and 115 lbs. and I demanded a fitting with the prison designer. Instead they held me down and showed me inmate Vera’s Wang."

John said...

Right. Like Paris Hilton knows how to use a semicolon.

RAC said...

Right. Like Paris Hilton knows how to pack her own bag.

Dante Kleinberg said...

If there were twice as many hours in a day but I only had to work the same number I do now, I might have time to watch a show that's "so bad it's good." Sadly, I don't. Sounds funny though.

Kaitlyn said...

Excuse me but I think the Simple Life is a great show and I don't judge people by what they look like. Even though Nicole is very skinny dosen't make her a bad person so People need to stop being so rude to her about her being skinny!!

Anonymous said...

I ACTUALLY JUSS RECENTLY STARTED WATCHING SIMPLE LIFE. PARIS IS DEFINITELY A FOLLOWER. NICOLE DOES SOMETHING AND PARIS HILTON COPIES. I PERSONALLY THINK NICOLE IS MORE KIND-HEARTED THAN PARIS. NICOLE EATS LIKE A PIG SO ITS NOT HER FAULT SHE'S SKINNY THATS JUSS THE BODY STRUCTURE GOD GAVE HER.

ThatsHot♥ said...

whoah and I just wanted to see Susan Powter lol.... Okay secretly I confess I didn't mind seeing Paris and Nicole either. It strikes me how Paris is so much more imature than her YOUNGER sister Nicole Hilton. (yes i jumped from talking about one Nicole to a different Nicole it's not a typo lol)