I saw a number of on-air promos for CBS’s Monday night comedy block. Based on the content and what they were clearly selling, I thought back to the golden age of CBS comedy and wondered what a typical promo for their Saturday night line-up would be like were those shows on the Big Eye today.
INT. BUNKER LIVING ROOM – DAY
ANNOUNCER (VO – BRIGHT)
Saturday is a night of laughs on CBS. First, on ALL IN THE FAMILY, not everything is Bunker-dory…
Archie in his chair. A concerned Michael is holding the front of his pants out and staring down at his crotch. Gloria enters.
Michael, what are you doing?
There’s something wrong with the Meathead’s meat head.
It’s all red.
Let me see.
She peers down his pants.
That’s just my lipstick.
HUGE GIANT ENORMOUS LAUGH
INT. MESS TENT – DAY (BLACK & WHITE)
ANNOUNCER (VO - SOMBER)
And then… on a very special MASH…
Father Mulcahy talking to off-stage reporter.
When the doctors are operating and it’s cold, like it is now, here today, sometimes the doctors will warm their hands over the body. Can anyone look at that and not say…Wow, we have the HOTTEST PATIENTS IN KOREA!? Wooooooo!! Suit up!!
HUGE CANNED LAUGH
INT. MARY’S APARTMENT – NIGHT
ANNOUNCER (VO – SUGGESTIVE)
Then on THE MARY TYLER MOORE SHOW Rhoda gives Mary advice on how to get through those cold Minneapolis nights.
Mary and Rhoda.
Mair, we gotta get you laid.
You know I live vicariously through you, and at the moment I’m very horny.
Rhoda, that’s terrible.
I don’t need to hear the details. Just – you were in bed, you did it. Actually, those probably are the details. I’ll add “had an orgasm” for myself.
HUGE THUNDEROUS LAUGH
INT. DR. HARTLEY’S OFFICE – DAY
And finally, what happens when Bob starts a sexual addiction group on the BOB NEWHART SHOW?
Bob leading the group.
Your wife has a vagina, right, Dr. Hartley?
Well…uh, yes…yes, sh-she does.
What does it look like?
Can you describe it? Peterson’s never seen one.
He hasn’t. Well, uh…(CALLING) Carol, could you come in here for a ..a…minute?
SPASMS OF LAUGHTER
INT. SET – DAY
Big CBS LOGO against a white backdrop behind Klinger, who wears just bra and panties and is waving to the camera with a shit-eatin’ grin.
That’s this Saturday on CBS, the “Tiffany Network”!!